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The Tingler

2011-12-29T16:45:00.000-05:00

Welcome back Sporefans. This evening I’ll be reviewing The Tingler, a movie directed by William Castle and starring LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! OH MY GOD!

Did you see it? Did you? I’m sorry, but... THERE IT IS AGAIN! LOOK OUT!

What? Nothing? Well... just be careful. It might come back at any time. What is it? Uh... nothing. Really. Just... Hey, let’s talk about the movie! Ha! Haha!

What? No, I’m not avoiding anything. Let’s just... no, it’s cool. There’s nothing there.

...

The Tingler stars Vincent Price as Dr. Warren Chapin, a man who discovers that when people die from fright the mechanism of their death is a creature that spawns at the base of the spine. Apparently this creature exists within each and every person and grows to cover the whole spine when someone is overcome with intense fear, eventually snapping their spine in half. However, the creature’s growth can be halted when the subject SCREAMS REAL LOUD! So if you’re Paul Reubens or an animatronic talking chair, you’ll probably be fine.

Yes, I know the premise of the movie sounds pretty hokey, but hear me out because William Castle is a mad genius.

It's NOT a tumor!

I was listening to the radio... yes, the radio. We work on a tight budget here Sporefans, there’s no cash for iPods. The morning DJ mentioned that it would be a really great idea to have a movie where something jumps out of the seats and scares the audience. Little did they know that a movie like that already existed: The Tingler. William Castle had buzzers installed in some of the seats in selected theaters. The buzzers were made from surplussed wing defrosters from World War 2 airplanes, so you can imagine the jolt they must have delivered to the posteriors of the audience members. These buzzers went off when the following scene was played at the climax of the movie.

I really dig the movie within’ a movie in The Tingler Sporefans, and I think it’s a really great idea... but none of us are going to be in any movie theaters with buzzers in the seats watching The Tingler because... they're not going to play it. If this was the only great scene in The Tingler, I would understand why you might pass on watching it. However, The Tingler has much more to offer than joy buzzers for your butt!

First off there’s a sce... HOLY CRAP TURN AROUND! NOW! HURRY!

Um...

You know Sporefans, I don’t often endorse products or services, but there’s this really great item you can buy on ThinkGeek.com that I think you all might want to invest in. It’s a rear-view mirror for your monitor. You put one on either side of the monitor, thusly, and then you can see what’s sneaking up behind you. Who. I meant who.

Anyway, on to the...

…

No, it’s just... you have such pretty drapes. That’s all. I was just... admiring your drapery.

The Tingler also offers some great, non-butt related content. For example, it’s the first time you see someone take LSD in a movie. Which you can watch right now!

Sure, it’s not an accurate representation of and LSD trip, but it’s what the populace of the 1950’s thought might happen to you if you took LSD. Apparently they thought LSD just gave you waking nightmares and induced uncontrollable fear. Then again, they also believed that marijuana made you into a laughing psychotic killer with suicidal tendencies. Of course, they also thought that cigarettes were good for you and that they improved lung function. Most unbelievably of all, they thought Frank Capra movies were good.

You know Sporefans, I’d have my brains sucked out by a giant worm than watch a Frank Capra movie. I hope you feel that way too.

However, I think my favorite scene from The Tingler was the one shot with color. Not in color, Sporefans, but with color. In the scene, Martha Higgens (played by Judith Evelyn) is injected with LSD. Her character is a deaf mute woman who owns the movie theater that the Tingler attacks in the climax of the movie and who also happens to have Hemophobia. You know, a fear of blood. The LSD makes her see blood coming out of the faucets, and because she can’t scream the Tingler snaps her spine. Have a look at this awesome scene!

The effect was accomplished by filming parts of the scene in color and applying special make up to the actress and painting the room in monotone grays. This really allowed the color of the blood to “pop” on the screen and was TURN AROUND! TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW!

Did you see it?

All right Sporefans, I have to come clean. I wanted to do something special for this review. Something akin to what William Castle did with his movies. The buzzers in The Tingler were not the only theater theatrics created by William Castle. In The House on Haunted Hill Castle had a skeleton descend on the audience during the last scene. He also gave the audience special glasses in the movie 13 Ghosts that allowed them to view or not view the ghosts in every scene. So I thought to myself... “Spored, how can you reintroduce this sort of theatrical interaction to your readers... on a budget of $17.32?”

The Tingler just wants to be friends with you. Inappropriately. While you sleep.

I just wanted to figure out a way to get you Sporefans in the spirit of The Tingler. Instead, I may have inadvertently destroyed the human race.

And I’m really, very, very sorry about that.

See, I did a little research and I discovered that the monster in The Tingler is actually based on a real creature; the velvet worm. The velvet worm is native to the southern half of the globe and I knew a guy who knew a guy who sent me a box of fifty or so velvet worms. Now, they’re not really big, so they’re not really scary. They could be scary if they weren’t so tiny. And then I thought, “Hey, you know what makes things grow really, really big? Radioactive waste!”

Now you would think it would be hard to find a radioactive waste dump. Actually, it was harder obtaining the worms. Really, they’re all over the place these days. So I just drove past one, cut a hole in the box and chucked over the fence near the glowing green pool. I figured that they’d get to be about a foot long and then they’d be kinda scary.

Instead they grew to about fourteen feet in length.

Have you ever seen a velvet worm eat a security guard? They start by covering their prey in a sticky slime that immobilizes them. Then the worms bite their prey, who are all the while screaming things like “What is that thing?” and “My god, it’s a giant worm!” These screams don’t seem to immobilize the worms at all. Actually, they seem to be attracted to them.

Actually, the end result of being eaten by the giant worms looks a lot like this. But with less hands. They usually eat your hands first.

After the worms bite, they inject their prey with digestive fluids; which kills them pretty quickly. Then they munch down on poor... let’s see here... Calvin Hobbs of East Hanover, leaving his wife and two kids fatherless and destitute. Also, I got a nice wallet out of the... but I digress.

The most frightening thing of all is that these horrible velvet worms hunt in packs. And thanks to their sleek forms they can sneak up silently on their prey. So, again; really sorry about releasing giant killer radioactive stealth worms on the world. My bad. And while most of you are probably safe, taking a good look behind you every now and again might not be such a bad idea.

You know what might be a bad idea? Watching this trailer for The Tingler while there are giant worms on the loose. But you’re probably going to OH MY GOD LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!

Coming soon in 2011

2011-12-21T09:10:00.000-05:00

There should be a new review coming out next week. Sorry for the delay Sporefans. It looks like I've become the busiest person... well... OK, we're all busy. But I'll definitely have something before 2012.

I have until 11:59 on 12/31 right? Right?

Right.

(sigh) Someday Sporefans, I really would like to get back to a review every two weeks. I really do apologize for the absence, but my life has been set to crazy for all of 2011. Let's hope 2012 brings a small portion of sanity.

-Spored

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

2011-10-29T14:52:00.000-04:00

I think I’ve been infected, Sporefans.

I don’t know how else to describe it. I was watching this amazing film, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, and ever since then I just keep making inadvertent jokes about breasts.

How did this happen? Well, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark is pretty much 96 minutes of boob jokes.

Correction; 96 minutes of awesome boob jokes.

Now I understand that some of my readers may not know who Elvira is, so lets take a moment to educate today’s youth. I know, many of you are thinking “how could they not know about Elvira?” But trust me Sporefans, there are many people out in the world who can’t recognize great cultural icons of the 80’s which shape modern society in subtle ways. Or not so subtle ways. One such incident occurred during a conversation I had with a younger reader recently, and it has opened my eyes to our rapidly diminishing cultural awareness.

Spored: So Flash Gordon was on last night. I haven’t seen that movie in years! It was awesome.

Anonymous reader: Flash what?

Spored: Flash Gordon. You know... Based on the old TV show?

Anonymous reader: Ummm....

Spored: Music by Queen?

Anonymous reader: Who?

Spored: What do you mean “who”? Queen. Freddie Mercury? They did the music for the first Highlander movie too.

Anonymous reader: Umm....

Spored: Highlander. You know... “There can be only one!”

Anonymous reader: Only one what?

And then I wept.

Nice... car.

You have to understand Sporefans, that Elvira holds a special place in my bosom. I’ve seen this movie before a long, long time ago; but I completely forgot that it existed. Watching it again not only brought back fond memories of my days as a wee mote, but also brought about a completely new appreciation for the film. It’s buoyantly funny and largely unappreciated; which is why I feel the need to educate the younger Sporefans so that they too might recognize the large contributions that Elvira has made to the dual spheres of culture and cinema.

So before we begin the review proper, I think a little history lesson is in order.

Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) started down the dark path of terrible movies with Elvira’s Movie Macabre in 1981. From 1981 to about 1986 Elvira subjected the public to hordes of B movies injecting her opinion in the spaces bookending the commercial break. The list of films has some great movies; and by great I mean by my standards, not most peoples. Some of the better movies are Village of the Damned, Gamera: Super Monster (I told you it was by my standards) and Empire of the Ants.

If you're going to watch horror movies, you're going to need a good seat.

Now I hate to boast, but the rest of films of her run in the 80’s are not that terrible. I think this is due to the fact that viewers at home had to actually watch these movies with Elvira, and thus were shielded from anything too horribly horrible.

That is... in the 80’s.

You see, Elvira is still out there and still working; and as of 2010 she has another season of Elvira’s Movie Macabre whose film line up starts to fall a little more in sync with mine. There are some great oldies like Don’t Look in the Basement (I liked that one) and Bucket of Blood as well as some really awful stuff. The Satanic Rites of Dracula and of course the classic Manos: the Hands of Fate. Not that I’m saying you jump ship and watch her stuff and not read mine... but even an egotist such as myself must give a nod to such a distinguished set of, um... shows.

There are two of us, and I'm sure you can split your time between us equally. You wouldn't want to neglect a set of reviewers like this, would you?

96 minutes of boob jokes, Sporefans.

There is really no reason for me to put this picture here Sporefans. I just really like it.

In a truly inspiring marketing tactic, Elvira broke the fourth wall going the other way. She took her fictionalized character and made a movie in 1988 about abandoning her life of watching horror to inherit a house bequeathed to her by her long lost grandmother (also played by Cassandra Peterson, but without the wig). The movie takes some inspiration from some classic horror movie tropes, mostly from the comedic variety but with a heavy helping of 1950’s youth antiestablishmentarianism. You can see that concept pretty well developed in Elvira’s interactions with the character Chastity Pariah (played by Edie McClurg) as they wrestle for the attention of the town’s youth.

If you were looking at Elvira's face you'd think there would be a fart joke here.

But you weren't, were you?

Elvira spends most of her time in the movie in the town of Falwell; a sunny, PG rated community with high moral standards and an authoritarian town council who keep all the teenagers from getting to PG-13. Elvira inadvertently tempts the town’s teens with a strange new concept called “fun,” which drives a wedge between the youths and the town elders. The elders are also goaded into harassing Elvira by her great uncle Vincent who wants the tome left to Elvira by her great aunt; which turns out to be a witch’s grimoire. The town elders eventually conclude that all of this “fun” is a product of witchcraft and decide to burn Elvira at the stake.

Will Elvira burn at the stake? Or will she bust right out of trouble?

Will her dog ever get all of it’s fur to grow back?

Vicious!

Will the town’s teenagers ever be able to reproduce without a working knowledge of adult intimacy?

Will I answer any of these questions?

No, actually I won’t. If you want to find out what happens, you’ll have to tune in to the next exciting installment of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark! Its a fun, campy movie which takes from all of the good of the B-movie genre, wraps it up in the bright and wild colors of the 80’s and leaves you laughing. While you’re checking out Elvira, you might also want to take some time to check out Elvira on her website; or if you reside in an area where the show is on television you can always go old school and check it out there. But don’t spend too much time checking out Elvira because she hates it when you stare, even when her tassels rotate in opposite directions at speeds high enough to make an airplane take off.

Oh, and Ms. Peterson, if you’re reading this... what is that delightful movie that appears in a clip in the begging of your first film? The one where the monster gets hit in the eye with a blowtorch? I really want to check that movie out.

Illness

2011-10-17T12:32:00.000-04:00

Sporefans,

I must apologize for not getting the new post up. I had intended to get one ready for mid-October but lately I have been very ill for the last couple of weeks. I am feeling better and I will try and get something ready before Halloween.

In the meantime, why not have some fun with this game I found? I promise it will keep you amused for at least five minutes.

An appetizer of filler

2011-09-06T12:33:00.000-04:00

Hey Sporefans. My apologies for not posting in a couple of months. There is a new post in the works, but I am currently adjusting to a new work schedule as I run around like a mad man on my free time. There is a decided lack of sleep going on around here; and yes, talking mushroom men do sleep.

Or at least I used to.

While I've been away I've discovered this awesome thing called Netflix. In fact I have an altar dedicated to it in my house, but more on that later. Thanks to the great god Netflix, deliverer of entertainment and host of T.V. long forgot I can now watch a bevy of terrible movies anytime I want. However, getting my butt into a seat long enough to craft a review for movies like Nude for Satan and Big Man Japan has been an issue. But rest assured that I am cobbling something together in the few minutes I have every day when I'm not busy and my eyes are still stuck open with toothpicks.

In the mean time, I have something that will help all of you wait for the next review. I discovered a great gaming site called Kongregate that has about a bajillionty-million flash games; most of which are good. Those of you who remember the Goofing off with Spored_to_Death posts from many Friday's past will feel right at home as I shamelessly plug this next game.

Rebuild is a horribly addicting horror strategy game where you are the leader of a group of human survivors fighting off hordes of zombies as you reclaim a city block by block. I was actually really surprised by how good this game was. I have low expectations for flash games, but this one got me hooked early on and will probably do the same for all you zombie fans.

All-righty then. I'm going back to work on the next post. The next review will be extra special, which is why I'm not going to tell you what movie I'm reviewing. However, I will say that it is a movie I saw many years ago, and thanks to Netflix it popped up on my movie radar and I was even more taken with it this time around.

See you all soon, Sporefans. Enjoy the game!

Almighty Thor

2011-07-17T23:09:00.000-04:00

Welcome back Sporefans. Lately everyone has been talking about this “Thor” movie, and I had the opportunity to watch the film. I have to say that I don’t understand how this movie could bring in so much money and be what everyone's been talking about lately. Actually, I don’t understand why anyone would ever pay to see this film. How bad was the movie?

Well, I saw it on SyFy for free and I want my money back.

I should have known something was amiss when I saw Richard Grieco cast as Loki, but I trusted in the people who said, “Thor was awesome, you gotta see it!” and “Aw, man! I loved Thor!” To those of you who said that... you betrayed me and I hate you. I had to wash my eyes twice to get rid of the filth.

And so I watched Almighty Thor.

There are no words that can prepare you for this horror.

The problem with writing a review for this movie is that there’s so much ground to cover. I can’t accurately convey the pain that I experienced while watching Almighty Thor in a traditional review, so what I’ve decided to do is re-write key scenes of the movie so that you can experience my perceptions of the film without actually having to watch it. Hopefully I can convey the terribleness of this film without actually making anyone else have to sit through it.

Our story begins in Asgard, where Loki quests to find the ~~Hammer of Invincibility~~ magical big rock on a stick. Odin (played by Kevin Nash) and his two sons Baldir (Jess Allen) and Thor (~~Owen Wilson~~ err... I mean Cody Deal) rush off to meet Loki on the field of battle. Well, they walk slowly, because Kevin Nash doesn’t have any knees left.

And now I present the following in Sporevision!(tm) ACTION!!!

Loki: Give me the hammer Odin. Just give it to me and I’ll go away.

Odin: NEVER!

Loki: (looks directly at camera and breaks the fourth wall) If you don’t give me the ~~hammer of invincibility~~ magical big rock on a stick, then I’ll make everyone watch another two hours of this movie.

Spored: (from couch) Give him the rock on a stick, you fool! Are you really going to make me watch two hours of this?

Odin: NEVER!

Spored: You rat bastard!

Thus our intrepid heroes set off on a magical quest to wish they were doing something else. Alas, Odin does not give the ~~hammer of invincibility~~ magical big rock on a stick to Loki, but casts it into a portal beyond his reach; but not before both he and Baldir bite it and get out of the movie. I bet they had a good laugh all the way to the bank. But before Kevin Nash could take his five figure paycheck to the nearest ~~First Union~~, ~~Wachovia~~, ~~Wells Fargo~~... knee replacement clinic; he sent his blithering man-boy-god son on a quest to save the universe from certain destruction.

One day's work + total lack of dignity = a pair of new knees for Kevin Nash. Hey, don't blame him; he's the smart one here.

Odin: Thor, my son. You must go and retrieve the ~~hammer of invincibility~~ magical big rock on a stick before the new moon passes, or it will be lost forever.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Odin: No my son, you must retrieve the hammer.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Odin: Thor...

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Odin: Damn it, why did it have to be you that survived.

Meanwhile, Loki laid waste to the stationary armies of Asgard with great balls of fire that rained from the heavens and giant CGI dogs with spiky backs. The stationary army did everything it could to repel Loki to no avail. It tried staying very still, staying in place, not moving, and being very unobtrusive in the background of the frame; but alas it was thwarted by Loki’s ability to ambulate from one place to another.

Stationary army member: Come over here! We shall defeat you!

Loki: No.

Stationary army member 2: Come on. We have milk and cookies!

Loki: No, I’m not coming over there.

Stationary army member: Please! I was only kidding when I said we shall defeat you. We’ll ah... I dunno play a game of cards.

Stationary army member 3: Would someone please put me out. I seem to be on fire.

Stationary army member: Aw. Shame that. Say Mr. Loki, would you be a pal and put him out?

Loki: Well, I suppose... wait a minute!

Stationary army member 2: Ah! We almost had you there!

Stationary army member: Shame too. We could have defeated you.

Stationary army member 3: Does anyone care that I’m still on fire?

While watching the movie Fight Club, I learned that a changeover is when something happens off screen, like changing a reel of film, and the movie continues while the audience is none the wiser. One such event must have occurred, for Thor did finally realize that his father’s dying wish was that he find the ~~hammer of invincibility~~ magical big rock on a stick before it was lost forever. Unfortunately Loki arrived and taunted Thor once, causing him to fly into a fit of rage and attack. In slow motion.

There is a decided lack of fighting with hammers in Almighty Thor. Guns, swords, spears, dogs, fire... check. Hammers... not so much.

Actually, every battle in Almighty Thor occurs in slow motion. Every. One. It. Makes. It. So. You. Don’t. Have. To. Write. So. Much. Plot. But then Thor gets his butt kicked and runs away gibbering like an idiot.

In his rush to escape ~~the event horizon of Richard Grieco’s collapsing career~~ Loki, Thor is tripped by some girl in the woods named Jar... Je... hang on a minute, let me look this up...

Jarnsaxa. Yeah, I can’t pronounce that either, but she’s played by Patricia Velasquez. Anyway, Jarnsaxa trips Thor and then beats him up. The following scene occurs between 3 and 4 PM Eastern standard time. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.

Jar... jes... Gertru... oh, whatever. It's Patricia Velazquez. She's a Valkyrie or something.

Jarnsaxa: Thor, you must come with me to the sacred grove, so that I can give you the training that you need to defeat Loki.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki.

Jarnsaxa: No Thor, you must come with me. We must go to the sacred grove, which will hide our presence from Loki so that I might train you.

Thor: But I wanna fight the Loki!

Jarnsaxa: No Thor, you... hey look. Keys! Jingle, jingle. Get the keys, Thor. Come on, get the keys!

Thor: Hahaha! Jingle... jingle!

Meanwhile, Loki finds the boundary of the hidden grove and delivers his signature line.

Loki: Just give me the hammer Thor, then I’ll just go away.

Jump cut to Thor and Jarnsaxa.

Jarnsaxa: Now that I have given you the training you need to fight Loki, which is evident because you are now wearing slightly different clothes and a cape, we can leave the hidden grove to retrieve the ~~hammer of invincibility~~ magical big rock on a stick. And just in time too, for Loki has found the hidden grove and is even now attempting to break down its magical walls.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Jarnsaxa: No Thor. You are not yet ready. And besides, we must retrieve the ~~hammer of invincibility~~ magical big rock on a stick.

Thor: But... you just train me. I can no fight?

Jarnsaxa: Oh. Well... ah. Keys! Keys, Thor! Come get the keys!

Thor: Hahaha! Keys!

Thor follows the jingling of the keys.

Thor: I love you lady I met yesterday!

Jarnsaxa: Oh, I love you too, mightiest of the gods!

This goes on for two more hours.

No. Really. This is it! For the next two hours, Jarnsaxa leads Thor around by the nose, jumping into the human world where they fight one mugger and save one woman before heading back to Jarnsaxa’s place to play with guns. Eventually they go find the ~~hammer of invincibility~~ magical big rock on a stick. Loki follows them through the rest of the movie looking very much like the Necromancer from Diablo 2, but with all the gusto of Pepe Le Pew. In fact, I have this rare, behind the scenes clip of Richard Grieco and Cody Deal on the set in Los Angeles.

I AM THE MATRIX! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Cody Deal: So what’s my motivation again?

Director Christopher Ray: You want to fight Loki. But you can’t.

Cody: Oh.

Cody: ...OK.

Chris Ray: And Rich... Richard, my man! How are you feeling?

Richard Grieco: This suit kinda smells funny. I’m getting paid this time, right?

Chris: Of course, of course! I’m just waiting for that check from SyFy to clear. Listen, Rich... I know you’re really struggling with this part.

Richard: Well, Loki seems kinda flat. I mean, all he wants is this rock on a stick thing and then to destroy the world. There’s really not much more to him.

Richard Grieco is clearly thrilled.

Chris: But Rich, you can make him so much more... awesome. You know? Can we try something? Maybe this will help demonstrate my point.

Richard: All right.

Chris: OK. Close your eyes. Now... no, really close them.

Richard: (sigh)... fine.

Chris: OK, now visualize the hammer. It’s not just a hammer Rich. The hammer represents something that you’ve always wanted but never had. Something you feel you deserve, but someone took it away from you.

Richard: Look, this is...

Chris: Stop! It’s not a hammer Rich! It’s not a hammer! It’s a symbol... a thing you’ve always wanted but could never have... and Cody is taking it away from you... but you... you have the power to get it back. You can have that thing Rich.

Chris: No, don’t open your eyes yet! Visualize it! You have the power to take it back! You understand? This is the moment of your victory! All you have to do, Richard listen to me... all you have to do is take what’s rightfully yours from Cody. OK?

Chris: OK? Rich?

Richard:Y... yeah. Yeah! OK.

Chris: OK. Places. Everyone! Places.

Chris: Rich... Richard. Now when I yell action, open your eyes, understand? Are you ready?

Richard: Yeah... I’m ready.

Chris: Action!

Cody: I wanna fight...

Richard: DAMN YOU JOHNNY DEPP, GIVE ME MY CAREER!!!

Cody: Oh holy sh...

Richard: I’ll KILL YOU!!! GIVE ME MY CAREER!!!

Sound technician: Hey, should he be punching Cody like that? I mean...

Chris: Cut! CUT! CUT RIGHT NOW!

Cody: Help!

Richard: I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE GROPING ANGELINA JOLIE AND HELENA BONHAM CARTER IN THOSE MOVIES! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN JACK SPARROW! ME! MEEEE!!!

Chris: Get me a medic, NOW!

Cody: He’s smashing my face! Somebody help me! Its my meal tic...

Sorry Sporefans, the camera cuts out there as all hands were required to pull Richard Grieco off of Cody Deal. I hear that a few weeks after Cody got out of the hospital they resumed shooting, and the character of Loki was given a much more... mellow motivation. Not to mention some medication. And that’s why, to the best of my knowledge, Richard Grieco acts like Pepe Le Pew as Loki in Almighty Thor.

Oh man this is really, really happening. This is my life, and it's ending one second at a time. I'm really making this movie. This horrible, horrible movie. Really. It's not a dream.

Why, God? Why?

I still don’t get it, Sporefans. Why did people pay good money to go see this in theaters? Why would anyone pay to see this ever? Almighty Thor is a horrible two hour waste of time. I heard that this was a really good interpretation of the comic franchise, but all I got was pain. Horrible, unyielding pain the likes of which I haven’t seen in a long time.

What? What’s that Sporefans? You say that there’s another Thor movie and that I’m watching the wrong one? Oh, look at that! You’re right. There is another Thor movie. Well clearly I’ve made a mistake. I mean, I thought that I was watching the Thor movie, not a Thor movie. Well, until I can find this other Thor movie, I can’t say for sure that those people were lying to me. So I guess, for now, I should call off the hit squad.

Where did I leave that number, anyway?

Oh yeah. Here's the trailer. You can watch it. Or don't.

Luvs Yoo a Kitteh

2011-06-21T18:00:00.000-04:00

Greetings Sporefans. Many of you are probably wondering why I haven’t posted a movie review lately. Well, there are many reasons... things have been hectic, I was in a bacon eating contest (took second place), I had to fix a sink... but I wanted to dispel one myth that has been going around the Internets.

That I’ve been abducted by cats from outer space.

I iz not from speece.

No Sporefans, nothing could be further from the truth. First off, there are no such things as cats from outer space. Clearly this is some sort of fantasy, as the only cats that exist in the world are regular, non-outer space cats.

I iz just reglar kitteh. You no trusts me? Why dat?

Now while there are no such things as cats from outer space, there are some very real cats who might need homes; and because everyone likes pictures of cute kittehs, I have included some in this post of cats who might need a place to stay for a while. Say, until the galactic pol... I mean, because they need warm milk and tuna. Ha. Ha ha! What other reason would a cat need a place to stay? Ha ha ha! That’s right. They need good homes in the central Jersey area. Yes, in the central area of New Jersey, only a short drive from Grover’s Mill!

I eatz de tuna. Can? What dat? I eatz whole fish!

Now I just want to assure all of my readers that these are perfectly normal cats. There’s nothing strange about them what-so-ever. They don’t speak or fly in space ships. And they certainly don’t hold tiny laser guns in their tiny paws while making someone write a blog post to find them homes to stay in. That idea is absurd. Certainly nothing like that could ever happen.

Whats u rite? I wan see. It kute?

And if these kittehs do wind up getting nice homes, I’m very certain that they won’t be starting some sort of plot to take over the world by creating a large device that hypnotizes people with waves of cuteness. No, the minds of the people of Earth are certainly safe from being enslaved by feline overlords from the planet Mewownia. Whoever started that rumor on the Internet Has somE serious probLems. Some People have way too Much timE on their hands.

U looks tastee. Can I haz yur soul?

So if you would like a regular, terrestrial, non-alien cat of average cat intelligence, why not leave your name and contact information on the Luvs Yoo a Kitteh page on that Facebook thingie that they’ve got there? I hear there are a lot of good things out there on “The Facebook,” and none of them involve plots to take over the Earth with brainwashing waves of cute. In fact, I’d like to...

Dis not rite. What yoo say on compooter? Someting up!

Hey! What are you doing? No! No! I did my part! No, not the cute ray! not the cute ray!

OH MY GOD THE CUUUUUUUUTEE!!!

Obeys dis kitteh! Takes me home!

Hobo with a Shotgun

2011-05-13T21:52:00.002-04:00

Welcome back Sporefans. Today we’ve got a very, very special review. It’s just this little movie I saw recently about a hobo... with a shotgun. In fact, the movie is called Hobo with a Shotgun.

Starring Rutger Hauer.

Did I mention that this movie is awesome?

Normally I post a trailer for a movie at the end of the review, but the trailer for this movie is so amazing that I’m posting it right here at the beginning. Watch it.

Seriously.

Watch.

It.

If you watched that trailer and you aren’t psyched to see this movie, go see a doctor. You are clearly dead. In fact, I would wager that if you read this blog and you’re not ready to go out and see Hobo with a Shotgun by now, then you have already been killed. By a hobo. With a shotgun.

But... if you insist on some more convincing, read on.

The first thing I should point out is that this movie shares something really important with the film Snakes on a Plane in that it explains the entire premise in it’s title. Rutger Hauer plays a hobo who rides into a town full of crime in the belly of a boxcar. The local crime boss, Drake, (played by Brian Downey, aka Stanley Tweedle on Lexx) has the entire town under his thumb in a grip of fear.

The fear grip, by the way... very hard to do. It takes a strong thumb to pull off. If you’re not experienced you could break your own hand. Off. Completely. Like snapped... Oh! The movie. Right.

The hobo disapproves of my non-sequitor.

The plot of this movie is pretty simple. In fact, if you’ve ever seen one episode of Fist of the North Star, you already know how the hobo is gonna roll. Just replace Kenshiro with a hobo, and random thugs exploding from being punched in the face with random thugs being exploded by a shotgun (warning: both previous links are really, really, REALLY not safe for work) and you’ve got the whole thing figured out.

Like Snakes on a Plane, Hobo with a Shotgun is what I’d like to call a title-premise movie; in that the entire premise of the film is summed up in the title. People’s biggest complaint with Snakes on a Plane was that they were really just waiting through the whole movie to watch Sam Jackson deliver one line, and that the rest of the movie consisted of a bunch of snakes.

What sets Hobo with a Shotgun apart from other title-premise movies is that at no point do you feel like you’re just waiting for the movie to get good. Hobo with a Shotgun delivers throughout the entire movie; although not as seriously as the trailer makes it out to be. Hobo with a Shotgun has just the right mix of action and campiness and feels like your watching a really good (and strangely well written) Troma film with a slightly larger than average budget. Hobo with a Shotgun delivers some camp, but it never gets in the way of the action; it blends seamlessly into it in a perfect mix of comedy and gore.

See? The perfect mix of comedy and gore summed up in one picture. Don't flinch.

So it’s pretty much the opposite of Drag Me to Hell. But that’s a tale of disappointment for another time.

The best example I can give of the interaction between camp and gore in this movie is when Drake is mentoring his son Slick (played by Gregory Smith) on how to rule through fear. He tells Slick that he doesn’t fear him, that he expected better out of the son who will one day take over his reign of terror, and that Slick needs to go out and do something to prove that he can scare the crap out of people. So Slick and his brother Ivan (played by Nick Bateman) go out and do one of the most awful and yet funny things I’ve seen a villain do in a movie... ever.

Random thug number 216 wonders if his ski mask is bullet proof.

I'll spoil it for you: No. No, it's not.

Slick and Ivan board a school bus sporting a flamethrower and pair of boom boxes. (For those of you too young to know this, a boom box is a cheap portable stereo with a tape deck in the middle of it, and I feel old for having to explain that.) The boom boxes are playing Disco Inferno by The Trammps while Slick asks the kids a bunch of questions like, “Do you like cookies?” The kids, being in a movie and thereby unable to realize that they are seconds away from being made into toasty child pastries all yell:

“YEAAH!!!”

Then Slick asks them if they like hobos, and the kids predictably all scream “YEAAH!!!” So he torches them with the flamethrower just as the song hits it’s refrain with “Burn, baby, burn!”

After burning a bus full of school children alive, Slick tells the parents of the town that if they don’t hunt the hobo down that he’ll kill all of the rest of their children. The town turns against the hobo and presents him with an additional difficulty; while he’s being hunted by a bloodthirsty mob, none of the people in the mob are really bad, so the hobo really doesn’t want to shoot them.

While the villains in this movie are excellent, Rutger Hauer stands out as the real star of Hobo with a Shotgun. His character has a subtle depth which lends him a very touching human quality. There are several scenes that start with the hobo alone, cradling his shotgun and pondering the morality of horrors that he has unleashed upon the town.

The hobo contemplates violence. So... much... violence. Why, God? Why?

The scene where the hobo obtains the shotgun is arguably the best scene in the movie. Before he gets the shotgun he tries to stop the criminals by turning them over to local law enforcement, which is predictably corrupt; and attempts to dissuade the local thugs through several more non-lethal means such as a sock full of loose change.

However, fate intervenes with the hobo’s plans and he is forced to make a choice between his future happiness and the life of two innocent bystanders. The hobo spends most of the first half of the movie trying to obtain $49.99 for a used lawnmower. Why? Because he wants to start his own business cutting lawns. Why else would a hobo want a lawnmower?

What? No! That’s sick. Just stop. Seriously. People don’t do that with lawnmowers. No, it doesn’t matter how much tequila they drank... Oh. Tila Tequila. Well, that might be a different story.

Anyway, when the hobo goes to the pawn shop to purchase the used lawn mower, who should walk in but three random thugs in ski masks? (I told you that this was Fist of the North Star with shotguns.) While the hobo stares longingly at his prize the thugs threaten to shoot a young mother and her infant child with a very, very large handgun.

And then, the hobo notices a shotgun hanging from the display rack right next to the lawnmower. The price tag dangles in front of his face: $49.99. He reaches up, takes the shotgun and then... a lot of people die really, really badly.

Now, if you’re the type of person who asks, “Why was the display shotgun loaded with bullets?” and complains, “That makes no sense, it’s dangerous to leave a loaded shotgun in a pawn shop,” then there’s something I need you to do.

Stop reading this review.

Shut down your computer.

Now go help your grandma knit that afghan.

If you have to ask that question then you have clearly missed the point of the entire movie, and that point is:

Hobo + Shotgun = Violence.

I DON'T NEED NO STINKING CAPTION!!!

And really, that’s all you need to know. If you’re not down with Hobo-shotgun interactions, then you shouldn’t be watching this movie. More fun trivia, did you know that Hobo with a Shotgun was one of the fake movie trailers on Grindhouse? I’m putting money on SyFy optioning Werewolf Women of the SS... just without any of the nudity. Failing that, they’ll probably just make something that looks exactly like it and release it at the exact same time that the real film comes out... but who would be foolish enough to mix up the two?

In any event, the following is the UNRATED version of the trailer for Hobo with a Shotgun, so be warned that it does contain lots of gore, and you should probably not be watching this at work. But what you do with it is up to you.

Until next time, stay away from hobos with shotguns. It’s just generally a good idea.

Leprechaun 4: In Space

2011-04-21T01:17:00.000-04:00

This review is dedicated to an Irish friend who got himself into a pickle.

Spored: Greetings Sporefans. Welcome back to the Tome. We recently celebrated Saint Patrick’s Day; a day I had apparently celebrated every year previously but somehow have no memory of. Coincidentally this is the first St. Patty’s day that I celebrated soberly as I’ve had to give up the drink. Apparently there are some things you’re not supposed to do with a doughnut a donkey and a dirigible that landed me into some trouble and... you know, let’s just skip over that part. What’s important is that this year I got to remember the movie we sat down to watch on St. Patty’s day.

Spored: Sporefans, may I present a review for Leprechaun 4: In Space!

Spored: In order to bring you Sporefans the most accurate evaluation of this movie I decided to enlist the help of an expert. We contacted four so-called experts on Leprechauns, but all of them declined to come on the Tome. They all mentioned something about not being taken seriously, and “academic prestige” and yadda, yadda, yadda. I guess they thought being interviewed on the Tome would hurt their reputation; so I decided that if we couldn’t get an expert on Leprechauns that we would just have to go one better.

Spored: I got an actual Leprechaun.

Spored: Allow me to introduce Braden O’Hanrahan, a Leprechaun who agreed to watch Leprechaun 4: In Space and discuss the movie with me. Braden, welcome to the Tome.

Braden: Hey.

Spored: So Braden, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Braden: Well... I don’t know.... what you want me to say? Let’s see... uh... my name’s Braden, I’m 947 years young, I’m from Detroit... uh.... I like cotton candy...

Spored: Detroit? I thought all Leprechauns were from Ireland.

Braden: Well I moved to Detroit in 1847.

Spored: Ahhh! So that’s why you don’t speak with a thick Irish accent... eh laddie?

Braden: Don’t do that.

Spored: What, the accent?

Braden: Yeah. Don’t do that again. Ever.

Spored: OK. So Braden, what’s it like to be a leprechaun? Do you make good money?

Braden: It’s who I am, it’s not a career.

Spored: Oh. So you don’t, like, magic yourself a living?

Braden: No. I work for me money like everyone else.

Spored: And what do you do Braden?

Braden: I’d rather not say.

Spored: Aw, come on. It can’t be that bad.

Braden:... I sell women’s shoes.

Spored: You... ah...

Braden: At the mall.

Spored: Does Ed O’Neill know about this?

Braden: Some days I wish I had died back in Ireland.

Spored: Oookay. Anyway, what I’d like to do is play this movie, Leprechaun 4: In Space and we’ll talk about some of the scenes. I’d like to get your feedback on the movie, but I have to warn the Sporefans that this will create spoilers.

Braden: Spoilers?

Spored: It’s when you reveal something about what happens in a movie that might ruin a surprise or the enjoyment for someone who hasn’t seen it yet.

Braden: You really think you’re gonna have to worry about that?

Spored: You’d be surprised. Some people really like these movies.

Braden: Uh-huh.

Spored: No, really...

Braden: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with. You better have my fifty bucks; I gotta go see a guy after this.

Spored: No, no; I got it. Let’s watch the movie.

Spored: OK, so we’ve got famed actor Warwick Davis playing the Leprechaun and he’s talking to Rebekah Carlton who’s playing Princess Zarina.

Braden: Nice bikini.

Yes. Yes that is a nice bikini.

Spored: Yes. Yes she is wearing a nice bikini. With golden spikes all over it. They’re kinda going for this Princess Leia thing; but in this case, she’s evil.

Braden: Who are the guys with guns?

Spored: Well, they’re space marines. Let’s see, we’ve got Brent Jasmer, Tim Colceri, Miguel Nunez Jr., Debbie Dunning....

Braden: What do leprechauns have to do with space marines?

Spored: The leprechaun in this movie is trying to take over the universe... or a planet. Maybe it’s a galaxy. Anyway, the point is that he’s evil and the space marines are there to stop him.

Braden: How do they know he’s evil?

Spored: If you saw the first three movies, you’d know he’s evil.

Braden: There are more of these things out there?

Spored: Oh yeah, it’s a franchise. There are three before this one, Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2 and Leprechaun 3; and after this one there’s Leprechaun in the Hood and Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood.

Braden: Why the SPORE would anyone make more than one of these?

Spored: Well, they’re a lot of fun to make. Rumor has it that Warwick Davis loves to play the leprechaun because the movies are a blast.

The Leprechaun has himself a light shelall... shalal... cane. He has a light cane.

Braden: It’s not a blast to watch. If fact I’d like to blast me head off rather than keep at this.

Spored: Oh just give it a chance. This movie is a lot of fun. It’s just a silly movie with a few good laughs; it’s not going to be great. And besides, think about how much fun it’s got to be to play a space marine who shoots lasers at Warwick Davis. You have to give Rick Peters and Geoff Mead...

Braden: You’re just looking for a way to name them all, ain’t ya?

Spored: ...and Ladd York.and Mike Cannizzo credit for going out there and pretending to fight an unkillable menace that...

Braden: Unkillable? They just blew him up with a grenade!

Spored: Oh no, he’ll be fine. Just watch.

Braden: And why is it that the leprechaun is all wrinkly and ugly? That’s real biased, ya know? Oh look, now that space marine is peeing on his corpse. This movie SUCKS!

Spored: Ah, come on. It’s all in good fun. Where’s your St. Patty’s day spirit?

Braden: You think this is funny? How would you like it if someone made an ass of you in a movie, eh?

Spored: Hey, it’s funny that you mention that...

Braden: And as for my “St. Patty’s day” spirit, let me tell you... every year kids chase me around screaming “Hey, gimme your lucky charms.” Drunks’ll chase me too, tryin’ to catch me so they can get my “pot o’ gold” from the end of the rainbow. Don’t you Americans know anything about the wee folk? We don’t give out our pots of gold. Hell, I don’t even have a pot of gold anymore.

TEN HUT SPACE MARINES! NOW FAN OUT AND FIND ME THAT POT O' GOLD!

Spored: What happened to your pot of gold?

Braden: It’s a long and very sad tale. Back in Ireland we had a famine.The potato crops all died and my wife, Katey, suffered from starvation and eventually passed on; which is when I decided to make a new sta...

Spored: Oh hey, check this out! In this scene the hot space marine girl and her space marine boyfriend are fooling around near the garbage dump... romantic, right? But remember that this is the same space marine that peed on the leprechaun... so when the female space marine goes to take his pants off the leprechaun EXPLODES out of the dude’s crotch and kills him.

Braden:...

Spored: So Braden, have you ever exploded out of a crotch before?

Braden: What is wrong with you? Here I am, about to tell you the saddest tale of me life; the tale of how my entire family was lost in the Irish potato famine and how I lost my pot of gold, and you sit there and you, you-you-you... ask me if I’ve ever exploded out of a crotch before?

Spored: Well, have you?

Braden: NO!

Spored: Well, you gotta check on these things. I mean, you don’t look like you’ve ever exploded somebody's crotch before. But... you can’t be to careful about these things.

Braden:... You’re a mad man.

Spored: Technically, I’m a mad fungus. But it brings me to another point. In the movie, the leprechaun appears to have near limitless, almost god-like powers. Do you have near limitless, almost god-like powers?

Braden: No. No I do not have near limitless, almost god-like powers.

Spored: Are you sure?

Braden: YES, I’M SURE! If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be sitting here waiting for fifty bucks to pay my bookie so he don’t break me legs!

Spored: OK, no... I just had to ask. OK, let’s just fast forward a bit here. There’s another awesome scene I think we should cover. There’s this character, Dr. Mittenhand. Awesome name that: Mittenhand. Anyway, Guy Siner plays Dr. Mittenhand, a man whose experiments with science has left him more machine than man.

Braden: Right. Well... I see that.

Spored: Now, as cyborgs go, Dr. Mittenhand is kinda lame. He’s pretty much held together with duct tape and hope; but it fits in with the theme and the budget of the rest of the movie. Mittenhand looks like somebody stuck a cardboard box on top of a Roomba, and they clearly want you to know how crappily he’s been thrown together because he keeps leaking fluids all over the floor. I guess it’s not surprising when Dr. Mittenhand and the Leprechaun fight that the Leprechaun wins. Hey Braden, do you think you could beat a cyborg in a fight?

Didn't I see this in an Austin Power's movie?

Braden: I’m not much of a fighter, but... If I were one for betting, I’d put me money on me.

Spored: Really? I guess you have some pretty awesome magical powers to smash that cyborg up good.

Braden: I’ve told you before, I have no powers.

Spored: Then how would you be able to beat up a cyborg?

Braden: You ever notice how no one ever messed with Gary Coleman?

Spored: I never really noticed.

Braden: That guy... I met him once mind you; that guy would kick the crap outta a cyber.

Spored: Cyborg.

Braden: Whatever. My point is, if you mess with Gary Coleman, you get run over by a truck.

Spored: Wow. So you’re pretty bad-ass, huh? Did you ever run anyone over with a truck?

Braden: ...I take the bus, mostly.

Spored: Hey, what about Robocop? Do you think you could beat Robocop in a fight?

Braden: Well...

Spored: I mean if you had a truck. Oh! What about a giant robot with death missiles? Do you think you could beat a giant robot with death missiles? I mean, if you’re a leprechaun and all, you could...

Braden: This is getting stupid.

Spored: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s stick to the topic at hand. Now at the end of Leprechaun 4: In Space the leprechaun, who becomes giant sized, gets shot out of an airlock into the void of space and it kills him. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that the leprechaun could be blown up and have all sorts of horrible things happen to him and then the vacuum of space kills him off?

The Leprechaun... searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation interacts with his unique body chemistry. And now, when The Leprechaun grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. DUN-DUN-DUUUN DUUUN DAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!

Braden: Yeah. I guess. I mean, if you’re talkin’ about the made up leprechaun in the movie that does seem to be a stretch.

Spored: Its funny, because it reminds me of my very first review, a little film called Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness. I guess it’s because the movies end in almost the exact same way. Hey, while you’re here, you wanna watch it? I’ve got a copy...

Braden: Look Mr. Mushroom...

Spored: It’s Mr. Death actually.

Braden: Whatever. The deal was if I sat through this movie and did your interview I’d get fifty bucks. The credits are rolling, I did the interview; now I want my money!

Spored: Well, If I remember correctly, the deal was that you’d get on the show if you were a leprechaun. So far, I haven’t seen any leprechaun powers. You could just as easily be an actor sent over from Warwick Davis’ company for actors of smaller stature.

Braden: All it shows is that you know nothing about wee folk. No gimme my money.

Spored: Come on, I’m not gonna buy that. You gotta have some proof that you’re a real leprechaun.

Braden: I already told ye that I don’t have me pot of gold anymore. I spent it to get to America. I cobble shoes. Did you know the wee folk cobble shoes?

Spored: You sell shoes. I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of kids in South-East Asia who would disagree with your claim to cobbling.

Braden: Look, I’ll be straight with ya. If I don’t have that fifty bucks by six Jimmy Cannoli’s gonna break my hand.

AH! Sure and Begorrah, I farted in me suit!

Spored: No magic, no money.

Braden: The only thing that’s left is for me to grant you three wishes, but I’m not about to let you catch me for...

Spored: GOTCHA!

Braden: LET GO OF ME YOU DAFT FOOL!

Spored: No way! Not until I get three wishes!

Braden: … There’s a special place in Hell for you, you know that?

Spored: Hey, whatever. So I get three wishes, right?

Braden: Yes. Just make it quick.

Spored: OK... I want...

Braden: You have to say “I wish,” or it doesn’t work.

Spored: Oh. Right. I wish for.... a doughnut, a donkey and a dirigible. Does that count as three wishes or...

Braden: Granted.

Donkey: Hee-haw!

Spored: Holy crap, that actually worked. OK, I wish for fifty bucks!

Braden: Gran... hey. Did you even have my money?

Spored: Well... to tell the truth, I’m a little short. Get it? Ha! It’s a little jo-HURK!

Braden: Now you listen here, mushroom man. You wish for two-thousand dollars for your friend Mr. O’Hanrahan. Now. Get it?

Spored: I wish for... gaaak... two-thousand dollars... can’t breathe... for my good friend.... Mr. O’Hanrahan.

Braden: Granted! Thank you friend. See? Isn’t it nice to be nice to people; and not make rude jokes about them?

Spored: Hey... I... I still get one wish, right?

Braden: Hurry up and make it a quick. It’s almost six o’clock.

Spored: I wish for a fully loaded rocket launcher.

Braden: Hey. Wait. Easy now friend. I know I got a little rough on ya, but you shouldn’t of made that joke. It’s a bit of a sore spot for me.

Spored: You have to give me what I wish for right? I want a fully loaded rocket launcher.

Braden: Well, why don’t you just wish for more money? You don’t have to blow me up, you know? Heh. Hey, you could, ah... you could wish for a million, no two million...

Spored: What? No. It’s not for you.

Braden: Eh?

Spored: How do you think I got into trouble with the doughnut the donkey and the dirigible? Speaking of which, hand me that doughnut.

Braden: But... You’re not gonna kill the donkey, are you?

Spored: Whaf? Ham om a feffond? huh?.... That’s some good doughnut. No, no... I’m gonna ride the donkey and blow up the blimp.

Braden: Why in God’s name would you do that?

Spored: Seemed like a good idea last St. Patty’s day.

Braden: So you’re not gonna kill me with a rocket launcher.

Spored: Not unless you wanted to ride in the dirigible.

Braden: Well... in that case: granted. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go place a bet. I feel lucky today.

Spored: Good luck Braden! And as for you, my fine floating friend.

Donkey: Hee-haw!

Spored: Adios......... blimp!

Apologies

2011-04-07T00:31:00.000-04:00

I must apologize Sporefans, but I'm dealing with some personal issues right now. I promise there will be a new review soon. In the meantime, please enjoy this free movie, The Evil of Doctor Satanicus. It's a movie I've reviewed once before and it's a real blast from the past!

Mortuary, 2005

2011-03-10T01:12:00.000-05:00

I’m sorry Sporefans, but I’m afraid that today’s review is not for you. No, today’s review is for my fungal brothers and sisters who dwell in the depths of B-movie exploitative cinema. Well, they would be my brothers and sisters if we weren’t an asexually reproducing species; but they’re still kin and I feel their pain. My fungal friends are misrepresented in movies and are often portrayed as disgusting, infectious and sometimes quite dangerous. This is clearly a distortion of reality and an effort by the “hu-man” to keep us down. However, if you, gentle Sporefans decide to read on, I would greatly appreciate your time and attention on this topic which is most infuriating to myself and my other Fungal-Americans.

A prime example of what I like to call “spore-tation” cinema would be the 2005 film Mortuary, directed by antifungist Tobe Hooper. Denise Crosby stars in Mortuary as Leslie Doyle, a recently widowed single mother of two. She takes her two children, Johnathan and Jamie (Dan Byrd and Stephanie Patton respectively) and moves to an old, abandoned mortuary in California. As they struggle to adapt to their new lives the locals tell them about the legend of Bobby Fowler, the deformed progeny of the last owners who supposedly killed a lot of people and lived inside the graves surrounding the mortuary.

Did I mention that the house comes with FREE coffins?

So far this sounds like the plot to just another box set horror movie, but then there’s a twist. This is the part where I tell you to stop reading if you don’t want to have the movie spoiled. While you ponder your options, here’s a video of a kitten doing something really, really cute.

And now, beware the spoilers: The twist here is that the killer in the movie is not Bobby Fowler, but a large growth of corpse mold which lives beneath the embalming room floor and feeds on the blood of the dead. The corpse mold grows out of control and eventually infects the dead bodies to drink up their precious, tasty blood. After the bodies are infected with the corpse mold they become zombies who attack the living in an effort to infect them and then drink their blood as well.

So in Mortuary, people are literally spored to death.

Are truffles really supposed to HUUURK!!!

I take great umbrage with the inaccuracy with which my people are portrayed in this film. First off, Mr. Hooper, I have never, ever killed a human being; unless you count clowns, which most people don’t. Secondly this movie implies that a fungus can infect the dead and reanimate a corpse making it into a walking servant who feeds humans to a giant fungal maw. Nothing could be further from the truth! My zombies were hired, not created; and receive a rate of pay higher than stipulated in the fair employment for undead workers act of 1996. In fact, the following is a written letter from my zombie employees in regards to how they view their working conditions.

                        Brains,

Brains.... braaaaiiins! Brains... braains. Brains, brains, braaaiiins. Brains.
                         brains,
                             ...Brains.

As you can see, my zombie staff is not a group of infected slaves whose minds are controlled by a vicious fungal overlord. Sure, they have a one track mind, but their minds are their own, and I clearly...

Hey! Hey! Don’t eat that! That’s not a brain! No! No, it’s The Man with Two Brains! Don’t you know who Steve Martin is? No, it’s plastic; not brains. VHS. See? V.H.S. It’s a tape! NOT BRAINS!

I’m sorry folks, we were just having a... workplace misunderstanding. Where was I? Oh, yeah... my zombies are not slaves, they are not infected with a fungus, and they clearly have a mind of their own. Besides, everyone knows that zombification comes from viruses, not fungi.

Zombie: I wanted to talk to her about my working conditions, but all that came out was "Braaains." Apparently this also constitutes sexual harassment. Maybe if I hadn't approached her in my underwear things might have gone better.

So I had to ask myself why any self respecting fungus would work with a known antifungist like Tobe Hooper. I mean, sure he directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; the original one, not the remake. I guess having a horror movie classic under your belt makes people think you’re a pretty big deal. Heh, I mean what else has he done?

Besides Poltergeist.

And Lifeforce.

And Invaders from Mars.

I mean, those aren’t really a big deal, right?

…

OK, well to get the real deal I contacted the corpse mold in the movie Mortuary and it agreed to do a phone interview with me. I’ve transcribed our conversation below for my brother and sister fungi; as well as those Sporefans who have read on and support the cause. What I found was most surprising.

Larry really has some boundary issues.

Spored: So semi-sentient corpse mold, first off... how are the motes? Have you spawned a lot of particulates lately? Are they blooming well?

Corpse Mold: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Well, I’m glad to hear that.

Corpse Mold: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: What? Oh sure, Larry it is then. So tell me Larry, what was it like working with Tobe Hooper?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Seriously? He was cool?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Wow, I really didn’t expect that. I would have thought he would be a total jerk, but it looks like I was wrong. Well... I bet you and Denise Crosby didn’t get along well. I mean, she was eaten by a giant pile of slime or something in Star Trek: The Next Generation, so she’s probably got some very antifungist sentiments.

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: You went out for drinks?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Well, what about the writers? Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch must be totally anti-mold!

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: What do you mean they were a pleasure to work with?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: OK, yes... I agree that this movie is a lot of fun. Okay? Yes, it is a fun, simple but good movie that was great to watch and had a few great moments. But...

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Yes, I did see that part where your fungal tendrils creeped up the drain to feast on the blood of the recently deceased; and yes, it was creepy. But why would you perpetuate the stereotype that fungi will invade human bodies? Don’t you know that you’re making us look like monsters in the eyes of the public? Why would you pretend to do something like that?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Oh.

Apparently Larry really does invade the bodies of the living and recently deceased and makes them into zombies. OK, so not all spores are good. But without fungi, you wouldn’t have penicillin, which we gave to Alexander Fleming in 1928. Without us, you would have no bread, no cheese and no beer.

Seriously, there would be no beer.

Also, we make great medicines. High cholesterol? We can fix that. Overactive immune system? We’re on that too.

Did I mention the beer?

"Living in a world without mushwooms would make me sad. Teddy too!"

While I admit that my interaction with Larry has opened my eyes to the fact that not all spores are beneficial, I still think we deserve props for all the awesome things we do. As a matter of fact, there’s one more thing that fungi do for you, and that’s review movies.

So in summation spores and Sporefans, Mortuary is a fun film worth watching. The human actors in the movie are quite good and I guess I can forgive Tobe Hooper, Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch for their fungal indiscretions... this time. The only thing that strikes my ire, Sporefans, is that jerk Larry; a fungus whose lame weakness was an aversion to salt. What a ridiculous inaccuracy! Many of us are tasty with a well portioned dose of salt! We don’t melt and...

Actually... ZOMBIES! Come hither... I need you to make a special delivery!

See you next time Sporefans.

Salvage

2011-02-16T01:30:00.000-05:00

Spored: Greetings Sporefans. Today I’d like to take some time to talk about a movie that I got out of a four movie box set. Now the way this usually works is that I’ll buy four movies for ten bucks and maybe one of them will be watchable. I was greatly surprised when all four movies from this box set were good. For the next few reviews I’ll be talking about each one of the movies from this box set, starting with the 2006 movie Salvage.

Spored: Now as has been my custom as of late, if a movie is worth watching I will try not to spoil it by talking too much about the plot. This makes reviewing Salvage a bit of a tricky issue as the entire movie is a puzzle; and revealing too much might ruin the experience for you. The premise of the movie is that a girl named Claire Parker (played by Lauren Currie Lewis) wakes up at the counter of her job as an overnight clerk in a convenience store. She punches out and on her way home she is murdered by insane killer Duke Desmond (played by Chris Ferry). In a very Groundhog Day fashion she reawakens at the convenience store and has to experience more gruesome and disturbing events that lead to her being murdered over and over again.

Spored: Now I’m sure some of you are sitting there already trying to think about why this might be happening, and you can see my dilemma in reviewing this film. If I say too much, you might get the ending before watching the movie; If I say nothing, it would be a very short review. So, to fill time and page space I’ve decided to take a part time job as clerk working the graveyard shift in a convenience store in Name Redacted, Arkansas. No, the name of the town hasn’t been redacted, it’s actually called Name Redacted, Arkansas. I felt that this would help me get in tune with the character of Claire and the events that transpired in the film.

Mrph buriphmo if reammy, reammy yfmmy. AHHH! Hey, why does my stomach hurt?

Spored: Plus, I’m short on cash. Did you know it’s hard to find work as a human shaped sentient fungus? People keep talking about health code violations and allergies and other such nonsense.

Spored: Now there are some things that you should know about Name Redacted, Arkansas. I could have just gotten a job as an overnight clerk at any convenience store in the country, provided that they would hire a sentient fungus. But if I did that I wouldn’t be really getting in tune with the creepy nature of this film. That’s why I searched high and low to find the creepiest convenience store in the country. As it happens, the Name Redacted Slurp and Gas sits directly in the middle of five closed sanatoriums for the criminally insane.

Spored: Locals say that if you draw lines and connect the sanatoriums on a map it forms a pentagram. I asked one of the locals why they didn’t just draw a pentagon instead; as they’re easier to draw. He didn’t have an answer, but he did reiterate that this store is cursed and that I was damned for taking a job here. Then he bought a Slim Jim and raided the take a penny tray.

Spored: After having to eat one of the microwave burritos here for dinner, I think he might be right. I do feel a serious sense of foreboding somewhere deep inside me.

Mom? Are you there? I'm filled with a horrible sense of foreboding.

Spored: Other than the terrible burrito, I haven’t had any other experiences with curses or being damned. It’s currently 2:38 in the morning and nothing is happening. I can see why Claire would fall asleep so easily at this job. It also explains why she was attending community college, as this is no way to spend the next fifty years of your... oh look! An actual customer! Greetings ma’am. Welcome to the Name Redacted Slurp and Gas, where we promise you won’t pass by unnoticed. How can I help you this evening?

Aged Female Customer: I need milk. Where’s the milk?

Spored: Milk is in aisle six, in the refrigerator. Listen, if you’ve got a minute there’s this really great movie I’d like to recommend. It was was an official selection at the Sundance film festival...

Aged Female Customer: I don’t give a crap about that! Just let me get my milk!

Spored: Oo...kay... Are you sure? You’re really missing out on this...

Aged Female Customer:...

Spored:No, next aisle! NEXT AISLE! So, yeah. She really doesn’t want to hear about this movie. But there is more to tell. For starters, while you may never have heard of any of the cast, they’re all great at playing their parts. I particularly liked Chris Ferry’s portrayal of Duke Desmond. Also...

Believe it or not, this guy does my taxes.

Aged Female Customer: Hey! Stop talking to yourself!

Spored: Huh? I’m sorry, I was recording this... for... uh...

Aged Female Customer: I don’t care! Why is this milk so expensive?

Spored: Uhh... I guess it’s a little on the expensive side, but...

Aged Female Customer: Are you trying to rip me off?

Spored: Ma’am, I don’t set the prices. I just work here.

Aged Female Customer: Can’t you make it cheaper?

Spored: Well ma’am, I can’t do that. The owner sets the prices.

Aged Female Customer: But the bottle’s all dirty. You should give me a discount for it!

Spored: Ma’am, you can get another bottle if you like. There are others over there in the fridge.

Aged Female Customer: … Fine.

Spored: You know Sporefans, one of the things I liked the most about Salvage was its setting. I don’t know where it was filmed, but Salvage had a great feel to it. You can tell it wasn’t shot on a Hollywood set, but in a small town, most likely due to the movie’s relatively small budget. Wherever they found their shooting location, it was eerily empty. Not empty as in movies like Vanilla Sky where they emptied Times Square which lead to a created unnatural feeling of emptiness. It had a more natural tone because there were some people around, but only very rarely. The lack of people leads to a feeling of isolation that...

What you don't know is that Claire is staring at a leprechaun, a cow, a turntable and Buick doing something really strange. No, you pervert; they're performing Shakespeare. What's wrong with you?

Aged Female Customer: They’re all dirty. All of them! They have smudges all over them!

Spored: Let me take a look... Those aren’t smudges, those are the sell by dates.

Aged Female Customer: What? … So you’re trying to sell me expired milk! Did you rub all those dates off the cartons?

Spored: It’s not expired. It says its not due till next week. See, it’s also stamped on the bottom.

Aged Female Customer: No it’s not!

Spored: Yes it is. Look here. Hey, why is your hand all smudged up?

Aged Female Customer: Give me that! Yes.... yes, this milk isn’t expired. But it is all dirty! I want another one.

Spored: Help yourself. They’re in aisle six.

Aged Female Customer: I know where they are. You don’t have to be rude. Your boss can see how rude you are on that camera, you know?

Spored: Huh? Oh, no that’s made of cardboard. They just like to make it look like we have cameras so we’re less likely to die overnight.

Aged Female Customer: Well... do you have any paper towels?

Spored: Yes, they’re at the end of aisle six, past the milk.

Aged Female Customer: ...

Spored: You’re WELCOME!

Spored: Anyway Sporefans, while the setting in Salvage is well chosen, it’s the writing that really makes this film. The Crook brothers, Jeff and Josh, have crafted a great story that keeps you guessing till the end. Just when you think you have the riddle of Salvage figured out, you don’t. Some of you may be able to guess the ending, but something tells me that you’ll have a few wrong guesses before you figure it out. In fact...

You may already have won one-million dollars. No, I'm just kidding... I'm going to kill you.

Scruffy Male Customer: Excuse me sir. Do you have any spaceship fuel?

Spored: Uh... no. I’m sorry, we only have gasoline.

Scruffy Male Customer: Oh. Well do you have any box cutters?

Spored: Uh-huh. Aisle two. We also have this awesome camera, that...

Spored: Man, no one wants to hear me talk today. It’s like I have a badge that says “interrupt me” on it when it clearly says... “Habib?

Spored: Another thing that I enjoyed about Salvage is that all the actors did a really great job selling this story to the audience. It was refreshing to see that people who haven’t made it very far into their careers could deliver such professional performances which complimented the story nicely.

Scruffy Male Customer: Wow, this is just what I wanted! Look how sharp it is? See?

Spored: Yeah, that’s... really sharp.

Scruffy Male Customer: Hey, do you also have human faces here?

Spored: Why yes! Just check the end of aisle six. Speaking of human faces, one of the best scenes in Salvage is when Duke cuts off Claire’s face. I mean, it was really quite graphic...

Aged Female Customer: What are you doing? He’s got a knife! Help! Help!

Scruffy Male Customer: I need your face! Give me your face meats!

Aged Female Customer: AAAAHHH!!!

Scruffy Male Customer: I need it for my spaceship! Don’t make me stay here! I want to go home!

Spored: He starts out by cutting an outline around her face, which is a great effect accomplished with a classic horror movie trick using a sponge and fake blood. The effect comes out beautifully and is much better than it would be using expensive CGI tricks. Then, after Duke digs his fingers into the top of Claire’s scalp the camera cuts to her point of view. You can see that even for a guy as big as Duke it’s really not easy to rip off a human face. There are all these sinews and tendons holding it in place. How do you think you smile? The face ripping is accompanied by these really grotesque popping and tearing noises that make the scene truly disturbing and probably the best shot in the movie.

But I don't WANNA have my face cut off!

Aged Female Customer: This milk has a face on it! I want a discount!

Spored: Uh... What happened to the guy?

Aged Female Customer: Nothing!

Faceless Male Customer: She’s stealing my face-ship. I feel dizzy...

Spored: You know what? I’m going to let you have that face milk for free.

Aged Female Customer: I don’t need your charity!

Spored: OK. How about twenty-five cents?

Aged Female Customer: That’s better. I’d take those paper towels too, but... that have... *ahem*... a pair of testi-

Spored: That’s OK. I’ll clean that up right away.

Aged Female Customer: Such a nice young man! Have a wonderful evening.

Spored: Yeah. You too. Have a nice evening.

Spored: Well Sporefans, it looks like I’m out of a part time job. Until next time, uh... don’t eat the burritos.

Faceless Male Customer: I think I’m gonna be sick.

Spored: Good night!

2012 and the predictions of the magic E-ball

2011-02-03T01:50:00.001-05:00

Greetings Sporefans. Today I’d like to talk about a colossal waste of time, and by that I mean the movie 2012. I’m going to do something unorthodox this week and post the trailer for the movie at the beginning of the review. Take a look at the following:

Congratulations Sporefans; you’ve just seen all of the good parts of the movie. Seriously, that’s pretty much it. The entire one-hundred and fifty eight minutes of the film can be boiled down to about 30 or so minutes of special effects; the best of which you’ve just seen in the two minute trailer. So that’s it; it’s pretty much done. Go home. Do something more productive with your time.

What? You want to know what happens in the other one-hundred and fifty six minutes?

Oh geez... Really? OK. Stuff. Stuff happens.

No, really; it’s all filler. John Cusack plays Jackson Curtis, a divorced limo driver and science fiction writer. He, his wife, their two kids and the wife’s new boyfriend all occasionally run away from the terrible and expensive disasters that permeate the film. In between these action sequences there are long stretches where the writers decided to spend most of the film dithering between introducing their big name, all star cast and resolving the tension between Curtis and the new boyfriend Gordon Silberman (played by Thomas McCarthy) as they fight over Curtis’s ex wife Kate (played by Amanda Peet).

For two hours.

AAAAHHH!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FLY THIS PLANE! AAAAHHH!!! I MEAN I KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE, JUST NOT THIS PLANE! AAAAHHH!!! DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO CONSULT THE MANUAL, OR IS THE WORLD EXPLODING RIGHT BEHIND ME? AAAAHHH!!! IT'S RIGHT BEHIND ME? REALLY? AAAAHHH!!! AND THERE'S REALLY NO OTHER OPTION? AAAAHHH!!! I MEAN, I'D REALLY BE MORE COMFORTABLE IF WE TOOK A CAB OR SOMETHING. AAAAHHH!!! AFTER ALL, I JUST GOT MY PILOT'S LICENSE AND I DON'T WANT TO GET PULLED OVER BECAUSE THE TICKET WOULD BE REALLY EXPENSIVE AND I COULD GET SOME JAIL TIME. AAAAHHH!!! THE FAA DOESN'T SCREW AROUND WITH PEOPLE WHO JUST TAKE OFF IN THESE THINGS, YOU KNOW AND I... WHAT? WE HAVE TO GO NOW? LIKE RIGHT NOW? CAN'T WE JUST TALK THIS OUT FOR A WHILE BECAUSE...

For. Two. Hours.

You would think that an apocalypse would be a little more pressing, but watching 2012 reminded me of the episode of Invader Zim, “Walk for your lives”; where people literally walk away from an explosion because, and I quote, “Explosion is exploding very, very slowly.” Jackson and Gordon spend most of this film in various locations bickering about what they should do next while Kate tries to make them stop bickering. Some other people whom you’ll recognise from much better movies talk about how doomed they all are. Then some stuff blows up, or collapses, or etc., some people die and then the group runs away. They find the next location; lather, rinse, repeat.

Huh? Is the world ending? Man, that's a bummer.

The film concludes when the group finds their way to the secret international arks built atop the Himalayan mountains. Yes, you heard right; giant secret arks built on top of mountains; because nobody would ever notice them up there. They fight to get a group of people who haven’t been invited to live onto the arks before the oncoming wave of doom hits. Then they fight with the door to the ark for ten minutes before narrowly avoiding crashing into a mountain. This all happens very...

...very...

….....very.......

….............slowly.

So by now you know enough not to watch 2012, but I’m not finished yet. Remember in the last review where I mentioned that directors are currently fond of not putting their names on their movies? Well I have an interesting story about watching 2012.

Blackcloud and I decided to watch a movie one night and she suggested that we watch 2012. I hadn’t seen the trailer for the film, but she said it looked like a fun movie full of explosions, so I figured we would just check it out. After two and a half excruciating hours of movie, the credits rolled and that’s when I finally found out who directed 2012. It turns out that 2012 is directed by Roland Emmerich, and then everything fell into place.

President Platt is thankful he's not being eaten by a giant lake alligator.

Now take another look at that trailer at the top of the page. Do you see the words “Directed by Roland Emmerich” anywhere in the trailer? No. You see “From the director of Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow” Now, if you’re me, you know who that is; but not everyone makes that connection right off the bat. Then again, not everyone hates Roland Emmerich as much as I do. So when Blackcloud saw the trailer and didn’t realize who the director was, I didn’t really blame her.

I did ask her why she didn’t just gouge out my eyes with a spork, but I didn’t blame her.

To be fair, there are other versions of the trailer out there that have Emmerich’s name on it; but the one I posted was the most popular on my search of YouTube with about 480,000 views. So if this trailer, which was viewed almost half a million times and is arguably the most popular version of the trailer, why was Emmerich’s name not on it? To put it another way, why didn’t they use other movies like Universal Soldier and Ghost Chase as their comparison movies? Or how about they use the tagline “With music by Thomas Wanker” instead? No, really, the guy who did the music for 2012 is named Thomas Wanker; I did not make that up.

What? No! Oh, Thomas Wanker... no, I was just... the cord was loose and... heh. Yeah.

The answer to these questions is simple: they wanted your money.

“But,” you may be asking yourself, “aren’t there people out there who will protect us from these crazy directors who ambush us by leaving their names off of stuff?” Well there are supposed to be these people called “critics” who tell you which movies to go spend your money on and which ones not to watch. Except... they mostly do a pretty lousy job. Many of them use rating systems with “stars” or “thumbs” to try and sum up the movie experience without the hassle of using “words”. The problem with this type of system is that it usually comes back to bite you in the posterior, because when you put stuff on the Internet, it stays there.

Let’s take Roger Ebert for example. Roger Ebert gushes about 2012, alluding to its overly long lapses in interesting stuff by stating that we’re given time to “savor” the destruction (from Roger Ebert, pulled from http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20091111/REVIEWS/911119994 on 1/30/11). He also makes a point to tell everyone that if they don’t agree with him that they have “ADD”. So Ebert is not only misrepresenting this movie’s allure with his false stars; he takes the stance that if you disagree, something is wrong with you and you should seek medical attention.

Dad, am I really supposed to savor my destruction? Can't we have food instead?

But is this really true? Does being bored by boring crap really mean you have ADD? And should we believe Ebert because he puts gold stars or banana stickers on his review? To put this all in context lets take a look at some other movies that Ebert’s has plastered his stars on. Let’s seee here... what to pick. Oh, I know....He gives The Box... three stars. Seriously? The Box? The movie I just reviewed and compared to getting a pair of itchy, flea ridden socks for Christmas which were also on fire? Did we watch the same movie?

OK, what else out there in main stream movie land sucked and didn’t deserve your money. Hey, how about Hulk, a movie so bad that they had to make another one just to cover up the mistake of making it (hey, that sounds familiar). What does the Eric Bana/Ang Lee version of Hulk get from the magic E-ball? Shake, shake, shake: Three stars. Again; seriously?

Oh, what else is there that everyone went to see that sucked... There has to be some other big budget movie that sucked so hard that... Oh. Yeah.

Waterworld. The world’s driest ocean movie gets... two and a half stars? Keep in mind that this is out of a four star rating system, so two and a half stars is like saying “if you’re bored and you’ve got some extra cash, why not watch this? It’s not terrible.”

But... it is terrible!

Mommy, shouldn't we be running for our lives?

But the most damning piece of evidence that I could find that I think clearly shows that you should never listen to what Roger Ebert tells you is this: The Happening deserves three stars according to him.

This was a movie so bad that the running joke was that the characters committed suicide in the film when they realized that they were in it. I didn’t even make that joke up; everyone I spoke to about the movie said the same thing. It was like this spontaneous allergic reaction to M. Night Shama-mekka-lekka-high-mekka-high-ni-amalan’s horrible movie. And yet it merits three magical stars that supposedly take all the suck out of it.

Hurry kids, we'll hide from the apocalypse in this Winnebago!

Look, I’m not going to use stars, or thumbs, or spores, or motes, or the decapitated heads of my fallen foes as a rating system for the movies I review. I’m not going to tell you if it’s a tour de’ force, or a cinematic masterpiece that will change society or the visionary work of a master cinematographer. I’m just going to tell you if I think you should watch something or if I think you shouldn’t in the most amusing way possible. If you agree with my viewpoint, take my advice; and if you don’t, then do as you please. No one’s threatening to cut off my complimentary supply of overly buttered popcorn if I don’t like their movie.

If you worked hard for your money and you don’t want to waste it on a two hour film that isn’t fun then you shouldn’t throw your money down the crapper to get this movie on DVD or Blu-Ray or rent it from Netflix, or even waste your time if it’s free. If you want to watch stuff blow up, there are plenty of T.V. shows with much better explosions. If you want to watch a movie about the end of the world, SyFy will probably assault you with an entire day of doom filled features at some point on their rotation of themed weekend extravaganzas.

I watch crappy movies. I watch bad movies. And sometimes they’re fun. And if they are, I’ll tell you. But I never tell anyone that a fun crappy movie is awesome and the “best of its kind” because I’m buddy-buddy with the director and I feel sad that his poorly animated giant monster didn’t squish the fictionalized Mayor Mc. Cheese version of me in their badly made, star filled giant monster movie. If you want that, go read Roger Ebert.

Just don't touch his popcorn.

The Box

2011-01-17T18:08:00.000-05:00

What’s in The Box, Sporefans? What’s in The Box?

Nothing good. Not even Frank Langella can save this movie.

As a new rule of thumb I’m going to try and avoid revealing too much about the plots of movies unless its necessary to point out the badness that lies within them. In this case I really need to address something badly thought out in The Box that I can’t do without revealing parts of the plot. If you’re interested in seeing The Box and you don’t trust my evaluation of this movie then stop reading.

But you’re gonna be disappointed. It’ll be like opening up a present in shiny wrapping paper and getting socks.

Ugly wool socks.

That itch.

And they have fleas.

And they’re on fire.

Well they’d both have to be on fire. It’s not like the fire would single out either the socks or the fleas. Fire’s kind of greedy that way.

Still here? Good.

The premise of this movie is that Cameron Diaz and James Marsden receive a box from a stranger with a big red button on it. If they press the button they will receive one-million dollars, tax free; but some one that they don’t know dies. If they don’t press the button, nothing happens. Afterwards Frank Langella takes the box and gives it to some other random person whom Diaz and Marsden don’t know. Come to think of it, there's something awfully familiar about this whole premise.

Well, I do like money... they're probably bad people, right?

I’ll ruin it for you: they press the button.

Of course, after they get their million dollars, bad things start to happen to them. Then weird, ambiguous things start to happen to them. Then some really bad things start to happen to them.

Let's try this again... what have I got in my hand? No, you have to hit the button to answer; use the button!

Now here’s where the holes start to fall out of the plot cheese. Frank Langella is an alien. Also, his character in The Box is an alien, but a much crappier one. In a very Saw-like manner Langella’s character explains to a random skippy, whose job is to be the random skippy who listens to explanations; that the box is a test and that by pushing the button the people are failing the moral choice set up by the Langellien’s alien masters.

It’s also important to know that the Langellien can also control people’s minds, but it’s easy to spot the people who’s minds have been taken over because they all get nose bleeds. Either that or there was a hell of a lot of coke being done at NASA in 1976.

I'm too sexy for this shirt, too sexy for this shirt, so sexy it huuuurts!

Why is this important? Because before Diaz and Marsden get a big steaming square left on their doorstep, people with nose bleeds start to make their lives miserable. For example, Diaz’s character gets fired from her job as a teacher and then the principle gets a nose bleed. Marsden, similarly, looses his chance to become an astronaut via letter, written by someone you never see but who probably had a Kleenex shoved up his or her nose. So you could make the argument that neither of them would have pushed the button if the Langelliens didn’t interfere in their lives in the first place.

Oh, but wait! There’s more!

In the conclusion to this Saw/Arrival hybrid the Langellien makes Diaz and Marsden’s son blind and deaf. Marsden is faced with a choice: kill his wife or let their son live in darkness for the rest of his life. While all of this is going on, somewhere else, some people that Diaz and Marsden don’t know are looking at a box with a big red button on it.

...but they decide not to waste $12.99 at Spencers.

I’ll ruin it for you: they press the button. It’s as surprising in the film as it is here in print. And at exactly the same moment...

Flowers pop out of Marsden’s gun! Marsden and Diaz get free tickets to Hall and Oates, their kid gets his sight back and they all go to the concert on a flying unicorn. The Langelliens come to Earth and spread peace and love and give us the key to eternal life and happiness for all. Then everyone has cake.

Nah, I’m just messing with you. She dies.

I'm calling from SyFy pictures. Ms. Diaz, we heard that you were in this movie and wanted to let you know that we look forward to working with you in the near future.

Hello? Hello?

This is what passes for clever in Richard Kelly’s movie about a big red button. Let’s skip over the improbability of aliens timing the button press to the precise moment Marsden shoots Diaz in the heart. What about free will? What if Marsden said “no” when the other couple pushed the button? And what of the morality of the Langellien who blinds and deafens an innocent child to make a man murder his own wife? And what other terrible choices do the Langelliens foist upon the unsuspecting masses?

“Eat this puppy or I’ll kill this kitten.”

“Chop off your hand or I'll have your eyes shot out with lasers.”

“Jump off this twelve story building or swim with hungry piranhas.”

“Cream or sugar, but not both!!!”

Let's face it boxy... we're not good for each other. No, don't look at me like that. No. You knew what this was! Shhh! Keep it down or Marsden will hear you!

Then again I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I didn’t recognise who Richard Kelly was until someone pointed out that he directed Donny Darko. I’ve never seen Donny Darko, but I’ve heard two people say the following about the movie.

“Yeah, it was good. I liked it.”

“It made me want to gouge out my eyes and vomit until I could un-remember having ever heard of the damned film. I wanted to volunteer for a lobotomy just so I could be spared the pain and suffering of having ever heard of Donny Darko. It made me doubt the benevolence of God and of justice in a moral and civilized society.”

Let's face it people, this movie sucks. And no amount of psychotropic wallpaper will distract anyone from that fact. No, that's not the interior of an alien spacecraft,it's their dining room.

So I decided to skip Donny Darko... for now. But a bigger question here is, why didn’t I know who directed this film until I got to the credits? There has been a rash of what I’d like to call ambush directorials lately; where you watch a movie, realize that you hate it and then in the credits you find out who directed it and say “Aw crap, is that why that films sucked! No wonder!” It’s almost as if they’re embarrassed to put their name on their work. Like it was some big, square steaming pile waiting on your doorstep for you to step on.

One final note: The box was empty.

And just in case you still feel like it, here's the trailer for The Box. If you watch the trailer, you can pretty much skip the movie.

Sharktopus

2011-01-02T21:04:00.000-05:00

Last time on the tome we did a review for Mega Shark VS. Giant Octopus where I told you all, Sporefans, that the Shark and the Octopus fought to the death in the briny deep.

Well I was wrong. Very, very wrong. They weren’t fighting. They were doing that thing that your parents were doing when you walked in on them late one night and you didn’t knock and they told you that they were wrestling.

Naked.

It must have been all that Debbie Gibson music.

One year later, SyFy released the movie Sharktopus! Half shark, half octopus, the Sharktopus stalks the tattered remains of Eric Roberts' career and feeds upon its entrails. Obviously the sharktopus wanted to eat only the Best of the Best.

Sharktopus: The snack that eats you back!

I’m just kidding. Eric Robert’s career is doing just as well as it has since the early nineties. The Sharktopus didn’t really eat it after all; it’s all done with smoke and mirrors. It’s not like Robert’s has sunk to the level of Daniel Baldwin, whose name still sends shudders up the spines of actors fallen upon bad times everywhere.

In fact, Sharktopus is a very watchable movie. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s a good movie, but it’s a fun movie and definitely one you can drink to. And it didn’t kill Eric Robert’s career, although his character did die a grisly death.

How can I claim that a movie about a half-shark half octopus is worth watching? It’s easy if you know what to look for.

No, but a girl in a bikini is a good guess.

Eric Roberts is having fun.

In fact, all of the actors in Sharktopus are having a good time. You can tell by the fact that they’re not retching every time they say their lines, as is the case with many SyFy films. I guess Declan O’Brien learned that the best way to up the palatability of his movies is to play up the camp; something he might have picked up from Roger Corman who has a small appearance in Sharktopus as a guy who doesn’t get eaten. He does something else in the movie that I forgot about since I looked at the cover art for this film; something about products or something. Anyway, Sharktopus clearly prefers to eat girls in skimpy bikinis.

Although on occasion Sharktopus will get busy with a boat.

Gotta say, my favorite part is when Sharktopus climbs out of the water on its tentacles to come after some people on the beach. I hear he’s Big in Japan, for some strange reason.

Don't worry! Sharktopus just wants to give you a big hug because your cameraman just got eaten by... um...

Watching Declan O’Brien redeem himself from his past terrible movie fills me with some sort of positive feeling. Not hope, because that’s too strong a word and has already been appropriated by modern politics... more like nostalgia. Now that I’m thinking about it John “is that gasoline I smell” Polito was in that other movie by O’Brien that I reviewed. And come to think of it, John “is that gasoline I smell” Polito was also in The Crow. So in the spirit of linking unrelated things I’m going to appropriate and parody a small poem that appeared in The Crow to wrap up this review.

Apparently it was originally from Paradise Lost by Milton, who is some writer or something. I dunno.

Avast the mushroom stood,

and saw how awesome foulness was,

and saw Virtue in a tentacled shark who ate people;

saw, and watched it again on his DVR.

Keep your eyes peeled for other "something" vs. "something" movies on Syfy. It looks like they’re trying to pick up the ToHo mantle.

I was going to add the official trailer at the end here, but this one's much better. I think cormaniac2010 clearly demonstrates that Sharktopus is just a misunderstood protector of the environment. With teeth. And tentacles.

Nerdocalypse update

2010-12-22T18:45:00.001-05:00

Their new site is here:

http://www.Nerdocalypse.com

RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!!!

2010-12-22T01:23:00.002-05:00

First, let me welcome you back to the tome. You’ve probably noticed the shiny new changes. There will be some formatting problems with old posts, but I think you’ll like the new look.

Also, I have some music for you. Go ahead. Play it.

Contrary to what you might think Sporefans, I am not dead. And I have not forgotten you. I’ve just been very busy with this “edumacation” thing. But that’s about to change. Not because I’ve graduated. Not because I quit. I’m just taking a little break from the book learnin’. I have become sooo very, very S.M.R.T. smart that I keep falling over from all the brains crammed into my head.

So here’s the deal; with no classes in the way I have until September to write whatever I choose. I have to admit that I have been writing this last semester. As some of you already know, I’ve been cheating on my readers with fiction. I’m sorry, but fiction is just soooo much better in the sack than movie reviews. You should see this thing fiction does with it’s elbows, I mean...

Um. Well... some things might be better left unsaid. There are probably children out there. Not reading this, but out there. Somewhere.

Today I’m outlining my new goals for the coming year. The first order of business is a new poll. The question is, “Should there be ads on the Spored_to_Death tome?” I’m sorry to say this, but being a freelance blogger who writes movie reviews doesn’t pay the bills. Or at all. However, the revenue generated from ads would probably not pay the bills either; but it might be enough to buy a stick of gum. Maybe I can save up for a Pez dispenser.

I’m not going to go crazy with the ads. They would just be banner ads, nothing that would pop up and obscure my wonderful text. That would defeat the point. You would have the option to click on them, or not to click on them. I’ll even see if I can target them to your tastes so you don’t get a bunch of ads for Viagra. Unless you want a bunch of ads for Viagra. Anyway, the poll is as follows, and believe it or not I will abide by the result of it.

Go ahead Sporefans, take my pole. Oh wait, I didn’t mean it like that!

...or did I?

Secondly, many of you are probably wondering how you can obtain some of my wonderful fiction. Some of you would also probably wonder how to stop obtaining my wonderful fiction. Apparently I disturb some of my friends and proof readers. But as I get more compliments than I do complaints I’m going to start assembling my work and submit it for publication. There will be a volume of short stories and then later a novel. The first chapter of the novel got good reviews, so I’m gonna run with it.

If I can’t get a publisher to pick up my book, I’ll release it as an eBook on Lulu.com. I feel that Lulu has a less restrictive censorship policy than Amazon and I have a tendency to write in a very, um... Mamet-esqe diction. Or Tarantino-ese for your film buffs. If possible I’ll release it on multiple fronts, but I’m not editing out all the good stuff just to get a better spot on either a real or virtual bookshelf. Go big or go home.

Finally, I’d like to plug another blog that I’m doing part time work for. They don’t have a name yet, but right now they’re calling themselves the Untitled Nerdy Life Project. Nerdocalypse is in the lead for the official title, and when it gets up and running I’ll post a quick link (update: Oooh look; there it is). I’m doing short pieces on video games in education, video games as narrative and I might even expand to do video games in politics and in society.

I just finished a piece about an exploding chicken.

Their readers will become my readers, and hopefully my readers will become theirs. Just don’t forget to come back here when you’re done. Also its a great chance to see my write about something in a serious manner. I take my video game politics very, very seriously.

Finally, I just want to say that I take to heart the words of my first creative writing professor, “Butts in seats write stories.” My butt’s been in the seat, but for the last three years I’ve been writing for someone else. I keep getting these “grades” but they’re not paying the bills and they’re not satisfying my ego. And I have a rather large ego.

For the first time in a long time I can write what I want, where I want and how I want it! I hope you will all take some small measure of consolation in the fact that I have spent the last couple of years honing myself in my craft. The new reviews are coming, and I think that they’re going better than the old ones. After all, I’ve been spending a lot of time honing.

Up next: Sharktopus.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

2010-08-18T17:30:00.001-04:00

Yar! Welcome back ya salty Sporefans for a special sea worthy review. Today we'll be takin' a look at a mighty fine piece of sea farin' film as we review Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, a tale of two fearsome beasties battling over... well, they be just battlin'. To the DEATH!

This tale of terrible terror involves two creatures from the briny deep... if by the briny deep you be meanin' an iceberg, right ahead, where they been frozen since the time before time began. Or for a really long time, whichever be more impressive.

YAR!

Our tale begins in the ancient land of Alaska, where rumor has it if you stand atop certain houses you can see the head of the giant space monster Putin rearing back its gnarled head as it prepares to eat Tokyo; but that is a tale for another time matey. In this ancient land there was a sea faring lass named Emma MacNeil (played by Debbie Gibson. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. Yar.) On an expedition to see what lies under the sea Emma encounters two primordial beasties trapped in an iceberg, right ahead. Out of the Blue there be a government experiment involving sonar and possibly a bowl of petunias that causes some whales to go crazy and smash themselves into said iceberg, right ahead. The force of the frightened whales smashing their wee whale brains all over the giant iceberg, right ahead, causes the ice to crack and crash and releases the two terrible beasties who take flight into the high seas.

Yar! I thought we didn't allow adult content on this blog! Clearly there be something inappropriate goin' on with these here tentacles!

The terrible beasties go their separate ways, wreaking havoc over the high seas like pirates... wreaking.... uh... havoc over the high seas. Note to me-self, next time construct a metaphor with two unrelated things. Yar. To be sure, these be some massive creatures, and though I can try I have Only Words to describe them. The giant shark, also known as the terrible Megalodon leaps out of the briny deep and wraps its terrible Jaws around a passenger jet, tearing the flying tin Dutchman to pieces. Every man, woman and child aboard is then Lost.

Meanwhile, the octopus also known as... the octopus, destroys a sea faring oil derrick. It be like saying "Take that you inanimate platform what extracts oil from the seabed!", but with tentacles. Either that or In His Mind it resembled a giant crab, and the beastie was just hungry. Luckily in the world of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus there be no actual oil which then decimates the Gulf of Mexico. Hey matey, if there be one link you click on in this whole review, click on that last one. It be important.

After the eight legged sea demon feasts upon the giant steely crab of fossil fuel extraction he attracts the attention of a man from beyond the high seas; or more precisely Dr. Seiji Shimada from Japan (Vic Chao). No, he's not attracted to the beastie in that way ye land lubber! Get your head out of the port hole and stop trying to Shock Your Mama! As Dr. Shimada comes from a land plagued by giant creatures who regularly lay waste to their cities, he be a prime candidate to help MacNeil and her cohort Lamar, (Sean Lawler) an on again, off again Irishman. Watch as his accent be slipping the whole movie. This be especially sad because Mr. Lawler actually hails from the emerald isle.

And now I be telling you the tale of many a men eaten by sharks. No, not the tale relayed by Quint in the movie Jaws; another, different tale. For in this tale, there be a lot less of things. For one thing, there be only one shark; but it be a big one! For another thing, there be only one set of instrument panels on any ship in the U.S. Navy, but they be movin' them about to make it look different for a submarine or a battleship or any other type of ship in the fleet. Also, there be some guys who stand about fiddlin' with the knobs that do nothing, mostly to make it look like the knobs be not there for show... provided they actually bother to touch the knobs. This be a mighty fine way to steer a ship... in the Eyes of a Child! Too bad it makes it hard to steer away from the giant shark that devours your ship and crew whole. Yar!

Oh god, the mega shark is attacking! Quick, turn some dials!

As the terrible sea beasties destroy mankind one ship at a time doctors Shimada and MacNeil get to work on a solution to destroy the monsters. While the doctors perform science-type actions with the colored liquids in the ships labs Lamar falls victim to the sandman. Left to their own scientific devices MacNeil and Shimada get to work on a Red Hot experiment in the ship's closet... also conveniently full of dials and knobs. Yar-har-har! Apparently there be plenty of things to twist and turn on the high seas!

After the doctors finish making a model of a giant octopus trapped in a sea chest MacNeil has an epiphany. She comes up with the idea to create pheromones for giant sea beasties, creatures that haven't been alive for millions of years, to lure them away from populated areas. This be accomplished in a matter of seconds by pouring one liquid into another and in true Sci-Fi style the briny juice glows bright green. Its unclear whether the scienctists want to make the creatures fight to the death or get it on, but in this world Anything is Possible.

And that's how glow sticks were invented.

This So-Called Miracle however, fails to keep the creatures from attacking Tokyo and San Fransisco. The on site soap opera sta, er... government representative Allan Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas) suggests going nuclear on these titanic krakens, but the good doctors remember their Godzilla cannon. Aye there be only one way to rid yourself of a giant beastie, and nuclear weapons ain't it. You must make said giant beastie fight yet another giant beasite.... to the DEATH!

NOM NOM NOM!!!

Arr, ain't this be where the movie started? It be obvious to most of us matey that this would be the outcome of the film, given away by havin' the word "versus" in the title. Naturally the viewer would be feelin' ripped off if they got to the end of the film and there be no fight between said giant octopus and mega shark.

"But," you ask, "be this film worth watching?" Initially I'd be sayin' no, but given the scope of other movies I've seen of the course of me many a-years, I Didn't Have the Heart to completely sink this movie. Like light beer, this movie will make you crave the real thing, and by real thing I mean the good ol' fashioned giant monster movies of not so ancient Japan. Still, this movie be havin' some great scenes of giant beasties eatin' things. If ye can get past the problems with the scale of the beasties being out of whack in the movie, the bad acting, the bad writing, the terrible special effects and the absolutely horrible set design... and matey, I mean horrible; then, after all that there might be something worth watching.

Let me put it to you this way Sporefans, when you be done with Megashark versus Giant Octopus you should be askin' yerself but one question: "Why is the rum gone?" Only when you can ask yerself, "How Can This Be? Why is the rum always gone?" will ye be able to appreciate this film. Or ye can just watch the trailer and see stuff get eaten without committing to makin' yer liver walk the plank. Yar.

Aye, if you listen real close you can hear the best line in the movie. Before you click that button, ask yeselves "What does bread do?" I think ye'll be able to spot it. And no, no more Debbie Gibson songs in me paragraphs. I be done with that. Yar.

Audition

2010-01-18T19:47:00.045-05:00

Spored: Greetings Sporefans. I know I've been away for a while but I've come back after an exhausting semester to provide you with a great review. Joining me today is a special guest, a newcomer to the Spored to Death Tome, please welcome Ria.

Ria: Hi everyone! Hi! Hi!

Spored: You don't need to wave, this is going to be transcribed into text. No one will be able to see it.

Ria: Hey! You're no fun! I just wanted to give a shout out to all my friends. Hi guys!

Spored: In any event we have a fantastic film we're going to watch tonight. Say Ria, what kinds of movies do you like?

Ria: Well... I like romantic comedies. Movies where a guy and a girl meet and fall in love and its funny and romantic. Do you like romantic comedies?

Spored: No.

Ria: Why not? They're really funny. I go to the movies all the time with my friends and we watch them. Do you know Hugh Grant? He's really good.

Spored: That's highly debatable. Wait, do you even know what we do here? Do you know what kind of movies we watch?

Ria: No, why? Are they good movies? I'd like to watch something good. Maybe with Hugh Grant in it.

Spored: Umm... Well I do have a couple of good movies. By that standard I don't have anything with Hugh Grant in it. Do you like horror movies?

Ria: Ew! Horror movies are gross. I hate blood and guts and stuff.

Spored: Ria, why exactly did you want to help out with this review anyway?

Ria: Well you're famous right? You know famous people, so you must be famous too. I want to be famous. Hi everyone! In case you don't know me, I'm Ria! I go to school at...

Spored: Wait, so you want to help me in with one of my reviews, but you don't like horror movies and you only like romantic comedies.

Ria: And Hugh Grant.

Spored: And... (shudder) Hugh Grant.

Ria: Yup! So how many people do you think will see this review? Also, do you think I could get my own column? Ohhh! Do you think I could get a part in a movie? With Hugh Grant?

Spored: Well, lets just try to get through the review first.

Ria: Oh.... OK. So what are we going to watch? Please tell me you aren't planning on anything with zombies. I hate zombie movies! They're so scary!

Spored: Well, as you like romantic comedies I think I have the perfect movie for you. It a very romantic movie that I picked up a while ago but haven't reviewed yet. However, I should warn you that the movie is in Japanese. With subtitles of course.

Ria: Fantastic! I love foreign movies! What's the movie called? Is it funny too? Are there any guys who look like Hugh Grant in it?

Spored: No. There's no one who looks like Hugh Grant because the movie is from Japan and all the actors and actresses are Japanese. And the movie is called, hmmm... lets see here...

Spored: Audition.

Ria: Oh, so its a movie about a play? Or is it a movie about a movie?

Spored: Uh, yeah.... something like that.

Ria: Oh boy!

Spored: Well lets watch. For those of you who don't like spoilers, you should probably watch this movie first. I'll give it the official Spored to Death approval, for what that's worth. Its definitely a film worth watching. For the rest of you who either don't care or have seen this movie already, read on.

Spored: For those of you reading from home Audition is about a man named Shigeharu Aoyama (played by Ryo Ishibashi) who loses his wife to a disease. After years of living alone with his son Shigehiko (played by Tetsu Sawaki), Shigeharu finally decides to start dating again.

Ria: Oh that's so sad. His wife is dead and he had to raise his son on his own. I hope he finds true love.

Spored: Umm... what about his wife?

Ria: Huh? But she's dead!

Spored: (sigh) Nevermind. Not being an outgoing guy Shigeharu turns to his friend Yasuhisa Yoshikawa (played by Jun Kunimora), a film producer for help. Yoshikawa decides to hold an audition for a movie, albeit a movie that will never get made. Shigeharu can then ask the potential actresses questions and follow up with the one he likes best.

Ria: That's not really fair. What about the girls? They wanted to be in a movie! What about their dreams? What if one of the girls wanted to be in the movie so she could meet Hugh Grant?

Shigeharu and Yoshikawa hatch a plan.

Spored: Well its very devious, but they explain that there are plenty of casting calls for movies that never make production; so they'll just play it off as a movie that flopped in studio.

Ria: That doesn't sound very romantic. That Shiggy-hairy guy looks like a creep to me.

Spored: Shigeharu.

Ria: Bless you.

Spored:...

My name is Asami and I'm not crazy. I don't cut people up and torture them. Also I like other stuff that doesn't have to do with cutting people up. Like... Uh...

Spored: Anyway, during the auditions Shigeharu meets a girl named Asami Yamazaki (played by Eihi Shiina) and becomes infatuated with her.

Ria: Yay! They're gonna be so happy together! I can totally tell just by looking at them. Look, they're out on a date! Look, look!

Spored: Yes I can see. Anyway, as the movie goes on Shigeharu falls in love with Asami, but his friend Yoshikawa becomes suspicious of Asami because none of her references check out.

Ria: Hey Spored... why is there a bag in that room?

She's waiting by the phone. Waiting for Shigeharu to call her up and tell her she's not alone. But she's obviously not alone, she has that creepy bag to keep her company.

Spored: Huh? Oh, the room where Asami is listening to the ringing telephone? That's her apartment. Why do you think the bag is there?

Ria: Its kind of a nasty looking bag. It can't be for laundry. Is it garbage? But its in the middle of the room.

Spored: Well....

Ria: Oh my god, it MOVED! What type of movie is this?

Spored: Hey look, she's talking to him on the phone. See, its romantic. Its just what you wanted, right?

Ria: Something about this is creepy! I don't like this movie anymore.

Spored: You're over-reacting. Nothing is wrong. Look, they're going away on a vacation. See, they're happy. See, Asami wants Shigeharu to "love only him."

Shigeharu and Asami meet for drinks and discuss their goals in life. Like... well, you'll see.

Ria: Something about this still seems wrong.

Spored: Keep watching. Give the movie another chance. You'll see, everything turns out OK. Oh look, Asami has gone missing and Shigeharu is looking for her.

Ria: Missing? Does it have to do with that creepy bag? Is it a bag monster? Did she get eaten?

Spored: No, she doesn't get eaten by the bag. Its more like a mystery. There's even a murder with extra body parts, so its like a murder mystery.

Due to the graphic nature of this movie we can't show you exactly what happens in this scene. In place of a still from the movie we have simulated the effects usimg a sleeping kitteh and some zombie parts. Enjoy!

Ria: Extra body parts? Murder? I thought this was a romantic comedy.

Spored: I thought I told you I don't like romantic comedies.

Ria: But you said this movie was romantic!

Spored: Yes. But I never said it was a comedy.

Ria: What kind of movie is this? I don't like this anymore Spored. And I certainly don't like you.

Spored: You're missing the movie! Watch. See? Shigeharu has tracked down Asami's old ballet teacher (played by Renji Ishibashi). He's trying to find Asami. That means he loves her, so its romantic.

Ria: Well... I guess you have go through many trials for true love. Even if it means hanging out with some creepy old man in a wheel chair. I guess you have to hang out with creeps sometimes to meet your true love. Do you think Hugh Grant reads your column?

Spored: Its a blog, actually. And no, I don't think he does.

Ria: That sucks. Hey wait! That old man is hurting a little girl. Is that supposed to be young Asami? That's terrible! No wonder she's so strange! Poor Asami!

Spored: Yes, I believe that is Asami. But keep watching. Shigeharu continues to look for Asami, but can't find her. Yoshikawa tries to dissuade him, but Shigeharu is determined to find her. Oh look! Asami has found the ballet teacher. Do you think they'll have a warm reunion?

Ria: But he hurt her. He's a bad man! And creepy! Just like you Spored.

Spored: Yes, I suppose I am a little creepy.

Ria: Why would you admit that? You're so weird.

Spored: Oh hey. What's that thing Asami has? It looks like some sort of piano wire with a handle on each end.

Ria: Why is she wrapping the wire around his neck? Spored?!

Spored: Well you see, she's...

Ria: OH MY GOD! THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!

Spored: For those of you reading this at home, I don't want to spoil too much, but I will give you three words that will sum up what just transpired.

Spored: Piano.

Spored: Wire.

Spored: Decapitation.

Due to the graphic nature of this scene we can not show you anything. Seriously, there's no way we can show you what just happened. Its just not gonna fly. Instead, have a picture of a cute sleeping kitteh.

Ria: I don't want to watch this movie anymore!

Spored: But if you don't watch the whole movie you can't be in the review.

Ria: What! Why not?

Spored: That's just the way it works. You can't review part of a movie. You have to watch the whole thing, no matter how bad the movie is. That's how we roll at Spored to Death Publishing.

Ria: But its so horrible! I feel sick.

Spored: Yeah. You get used to that.

Ria: This is terrible! Can't we watch something else?

Spored: Well the only alternatives I have for today all involve zombies or blood beasts.

Ria: What's a blood beast? Nevermind, I don't want to know. Hey! There's a guy in that bag! And he's missing his fingers!

Spored: And his feet. And his tongue.

Ria: Gross! Why doesn't he have feet?

Spored: Well obviously he's a chicken man.

Ria: That's not funny!

Spored: Yes it is. Come on, just watch the movie.

If you were looking for a picture of the chicken man, your chick out of luck. Man, that sucked. In the meantime, we have a suitable creative alternative to what happened to the missing pieces from the chicken man. Look how vicious that wild predator is!

Ria: Why did Shiggy-hairy just fall down? And why is the Asami wearing that leather apron? What's going on?

Spored: Well if you were paying attention you would have figured out that Asami drugged him and that she's a psychopath. Oh hey look, this is the part with the needles!

Ria: What needles? I don't like needles!

Spored: Those needles. I don't want to ruin too much for the Sporefans...

Ria: I'm going to be sick!!!

Spored: Hold on, I'll pause the movie for you.

Ria: I hate you!

Spored: Bathroom's down the hall.

Spored: While Ria is out of the room let me just say that Audition is truly a disturbing film. I regret that we did not post pictures of the horrific events at the end of the movie, but I felt that it would ruin the most shocking parts of this film for the people who want to watch it and haven't seen it yet. Also, my editor told me that it might be too graphic for some readers and suggested that we put up pictures of cute cats instead. Being a cat, my editor volunteered to be in the replacement pictures.

Spored to Death Publishing Editor in Chief: Meow.

Behold the most vicious of all furry predators! Its the editor in chief!

Spored: Isn't she adorable?

Ria: Is it over?

Spored: No, I paused the movie for you, remember?

Ria: I don't want to watch it anymore. I don't care if I don't get in the review. I've had enough.

Spored: And to think I spared you from some of the more horrible movies in my collection. Don't you want to be famous anymore? Don't you want to meet... oh, who was it now... don't tell me... was it Hugh Durrant?

Ria: No, it was Hugh Grant! And what do you mean you spared me? There are movies worse than this?

Spored: Well, they're no where near as violent... but until you've seen Half-Caste you don't know what real pain is.

Ria: Look I don't care about your stupid movies, I just...

Spored: Hey, can I lend you me a hand with this?

Ria: Huh? With what?

Spored: Oh wait, you don't have a hand to lend. But check out Audition, Shigeharu can lend me a foot.

Ria: Ahh! His foot! That's so gross!

Spored: See, there's only a few minutes left. Hey, what are you doing?

Ria: I've had it with your stupid review, and your stupid gross movies. You're just... just...

Spored: Stupid?

Ria: Yeah! Stupid! I'm leaving! And I never want to see another movie from you as long as I live!

Spored: I didn't make this movie. It was from a talented director named Takashi Miike.

Ria: Whatever! I'm leaving.

Spored: If that's the way you want it, go ahead. Here, I'll have one of my zombies show you out. NOM!

Ria: I don't want to hear any more of your stupid jokes Spored! There's no such thing as OH MY GOD A ZOMBIE!

This is Nom, our newest employee at Spored to Death Publishing. Nom has a bright future here at Spored to Death Publishing, chiefly because we pay him in brains. Keep an eye out for Nom in future reviews.

Nom: Brains?

Spored: Nom, please show the lady out.

Nom: Brains.

Ria: Get away from me! Holy crap! Get away from me you zombie bastard!

Nom: Brains?

Ria: Why won't this door open! Help! Open the door!

Spored: You're pushing it. You have to pull the door open. Here, let me help y...

Ria: Stay back! You're... you're... evil.

Spored: Well, yeah. Didn't you know that?

Ria: I never want to see you again. Being famous isn't worth having your brains eaten. Stay away from me, you zombie sympathizer.

Spored: But... I'm a fun guy. Get it? Fungi?

Ria: Oh god... and you make puns too!

Ria: You're the most terrible person I've ever met, you know that?

Spored: Thanks for stopping by! Hey, watch the stairs.

Spored:... Wow, I bet that hurt.

Spored: Well.... that went well, don't you think Nom?

Nom: (nods) Brains.

Spored: Well Sporefans, tune in again for our next review. I've got a very special guest review from Blackcloud in the works. For once she made me sit through a terrible movie. Tune in next time, same fungal time, same fungal channel.

Nom: Brains.

Spored: Oh yeah, its a blog not a channel. Thank you Nom.

Nom: Brains.

And now for your viewing pleasure, the trailer to Audition. Also, for those not faint of heart, check out the clip of the movie. Yes, that clip. Not safe for work. Warning! This clip will pretty much ruin the movie for you, but as I know some of you won't bother watching the movie in total, I'm giving you the option to see what all the fuss is about. Use it at your own risk. Also, for some reason its in German.

The Manitou

2009-12-18T16:04:00.018-05:00

Hello again Sporefans. I know I've been AWOL for a while, and I wish I had some exciting story for you about where I've been... but I've just been busy with school work. This week I have a guest review by Mr. Danger and in a short while I will have a new review up on the site. I'm not telling what the movie will be, but I think you'll enjoy it.

In some bad news, I've decided not to hold the Spored to Death awards this year because I've been busy and I haven't written that many reviews. In exchange for that I'll try and get a few reviews pumped out over the holiday season to make up for it. But for now please enjoy the following review of The Manitou.

The Manitou (1978)

Now we all have different interpretations of the term "classic". You may think of the word as a work that stands the test of time, rising above its peers. In my own interpretation, a movie featuring a Native American midget who started out as cancerous tumor on a woman’s back, fits this bill. Now that’s classic.

Even Turner Classic Movies agrees with me with its screening of the 1978 gem The Manitou directed by William Girdler. Now I know the only reason this was screened was because some intern was drunk at the channel and hit play by accident, but if viewed in fast forward to its completion and stopping at only the crazy scenes, you too may also come to appreciate or dare I say love the Manitou.

According to dictionary.com, a Manitou is a supernatural being that controls nature; a spirit, deity, or object that possesses supernatural power. That is what fortunate teller Harry Erskine is facing in this movie.

Karen Tandy seems to have a really nasty skin condition growing out of her back. I wipe some skin lotion on that sucker and call it day, but Tandy’s not that lucky. Enter Erskine, the Hell blazing John Constantine of this piece.

He knows something wrong with this broad because his other clients are speaking different languages and floating up and falling down stairs. Apparently, that’s no ordinary tumor but rather the reincarnation of a 400-year old medicine man growing out of this lady’s back.

If you were born in this fashion, you would want revenge too.

Erskine then recruits a Indian doctor, John Singing Rock, to bring logic to the events that are about to transpire.

Once the Manitou is born in the form of a 3 foot tall Indian and kills the doctors delivering him, he is encased by Singing Rock in a magical circle. This buys Erskine the time he needs to deal with this magical menace. Erskine and Singing Rock conclude that the Manitou is weak to the magic made by the white man. The Manitou attacks them with nature effects but somehow is weak to the typewriters they throw at him. If you play role playing video games, you know how this goes.

Singing Rock concludes that the Manitou is weak to white man magic….technology. So the remaining doctors fire up the hospital’s super computer, hoping that its energies will weaken our small bundle of Indian hate.

Erskine and Signing Rock return to the Manitou, who has now turned the hospital floor into a winter wonderland. He even froze his nurse to death in the process. This sets up the final battle between man and Manitou. Big man vs. little man. Outer space eyeball god vs. topless woman. Wait…what?

Tandy is revived by white man magic to fight a space god. Manitou is puzzled before blowing up, Signing Rock gets his Tobacco and we all good home happy. Classic!

And now here's the thrilling conclusion to The Manitou!

Belfry Beads Jewelry

2009-10-12T12:06:00.001-04:00

Hey,

My friend over at Belfry Beads has set up a blog. Check out her work. Guys, buy something for that special girl in your life. Ladies, point to stuff and make your guy buy you something special.

As for the rest of you, well... reproducing via a cloud of spores means you never need to buy jewelry, but some of the stuff is pretty so why not at least take a look?

Remember the site:

http://belfrybeads.blogspot.com/

Executive Koala

2009-10-01T16:02:00.027-04:00

Greetings Sporefans. You may have been wondering where I've been lately. I took a brief vacation and am now back in school with a vengeance. My vacation wasn't totally uncreative, and those of you who have a copy of the game Little Big Planet (check out this dinosaur level, one of my favorites) can take a look at the level I created while I was whiling away the hours sitting on my butt. Do a search for Death Kitchen and you should find a level created by Spored_to_Death. Check out those toasters! Of death!

In any event I wanted to pop in between reading novels and get a quick review done. By now most of you must have read the Otakon 2009 review. You have read it, haven't you?

You haven't? Why? Why hast thou forsaken me?

Go ahead and read it now. I'll wait.

See, that wasn't all that bad. Now on to the review. This next review is for a movie I picked up at Otakon. I know, I know; I said that I was going to review the movie about the killer elevator, but I need to watch that another time when I'm less inebriated. In the mean time we can take a look at Minoru Kawasaki's Koara kacho or Executive Koala in English.

This movie is about a koala who works in a pickle company. Yes, that's really what this movie is about; I'm not making this up. The koala's name is Tamura, and he starts the movie working to get the company to agree to import Korean kimchi because he believes there is a youth market for it in Japan. His boss, who happens to be a giant white rabbit, agrees to the idea.

Everything seems to be going well, until Tamura's girlfriend turns up dead. This is unfortunate enough, but it appears that Tamura's wife also died under mysterious circumstances years ago. Is the koala a victim of an elaborate plot, or a murderer with multiple personality disorder?

To find out the answer to this we went to the local zoo to interview some koalas. Unfortunately the intern we sent into the cage was ripped to bits by the koalas. Sadly the only thing that survived the encounter was a tape recorder that we had the foresight to place into a hard plastic box which we had strapped to our recently deceased intern before he went inside. Below is the transcript from that tape recorder, which contains the final words of Brad, our recently deceased intern.

Brad: Uhh... excuse me... little guy? Can I ask you a question.

*noises, sounds of leaves being eaten*

Brad: Hey. You're kinda cute. So... uh... have you seen the movie Executive koala? It's a movie about a talking koala. You can't talk can you?

Your suffering will be legendary, even in Australia!

At this point we should note that Brad really wasn't very bright.

Brad: Say, can I pet you? Its OK. Its OK. Look, I won't hurt you. See? Friend. Friend.

*shrill cry, followed by screaming*

Brad: OH SWEET JESUS, MY EYES! GET HIM OFF ME! MY EYES!!!

That's about all we got from the interview. Sadly we didn't really get much insight into the mind of Tamura, a man-sized walking, talking koala. But we did learn that real koalas are vicious little creatures that will rip out your eyes and urinate into your skull. And no, we're not just using a cliche, Brad literally had a skull full of koala pee. How will this help you understand the movie? Well it won't, but we had to do something with our intern... he was drinking too much of our free coffee... which isn't actually free by the way, I pay for it...

But I digress.

This will be the best review about a talking koala businessman ever!

Executive koala follows the Japanese school of absurdist humor, and during the course of the movie Tamura will be brainwashed, unbrainwashed, fight kung-fu style, go to prison, get beat up, buy convenience food from a talking frog and avenge his koala ancestors. If you're intimidated by this title you might want to skip Kawasaki's other films The Rug Cop (as in toupee) and The World Sinks Except Japan, but I should tell you that after Executive koala I'll be looking forward to these other titles.

See how hard the koala works for your amusement?

By the time we finished watching the movie the only thing The Damned and I wanted to do was watch it over again. Having developed a taste for Japanese absurdist humor over the years, I can tell you that Executive koala is eighty-five minutes of high-grade crazy goodness. However, I realize that this type of movie isn't for everyone. Its far more absurd than even Zebraman, and doesn't have the same child-like appeal of watching a zebra based superhero; but it does show that the Japanese have absurdist humor down to an art form.

He's not creepy at all!

...or a wife beater.

To sum it up, Executive koala is very much like kimchi, not everyone can eat it, but if you can you'll probably enjoy it.

And here, of course, is the trailer for Executive Koala. Enjoy!

Otakon 2009

2009-08-20T19:53:00.038-04:00

Welcome back Sporefans. As you may recollect last year we went to Baltimore to check out Otakon 2008. Well this year we went back for Otakon 2009, and I tried to write you a review of the events that transpired, but... my memory seems to be a bit hazy. We've had to reconstruct some of the events of that weekend using a device called a "Facsimile Intention Corporeality Invention Origination Node", or F.I.C.T.I.O.N. for short. This isn't to be confused with "fiction", which is stuff I just make up. The key difference here is... we have a device.

So sit back and enjoy the weekend that I lost in Baltimore. I'm sure that this machine will pump out something close to the truth. I think.

-Spored

The sun crept through the heavy curtains of the hotel room, trying in vain to remind the sleeping guests that a bright Summer afternoon was waiting for them just a short elevator ride away. Dr. McMonkey sipped thoughtfully on a juice packet, contemplating the number of scantily clad girls he would see at this year's Otakon. He crept up to the bed of one of his sleeping friends and began to shake the mattress.

"Hey. Hey! It's time to get up," Dr. McMonkey whispered, "We have to go to the convention! Its almost one in the afternoon!"

"Ngghhh," Blackcloud moaned from under the covers, "Its too early. Wake up Spored first." She rolled over and her tail pulled the blanket around her head, covering her eyes and furry cat ears.

"Hey Spored, wake up."

Spored was splayed across a makeshift mattress on the floor. Dr. McMonkey shook him in an effort to rouse him.

"Come on Spored, time to get up," he said cheerfully, "The convention's starting! There are girls in costume all over the place! Plus there's the Kanon concert we have to go see. And I mean, HAVE to! Come on, get up!"

Spored remained motionless on the floor. Dr. McMonkey shook Spored again, "Come on Spored, you have to get up so you can write your review! Plus, you wanted to go to the dealer's room and check out the games, right?" He shook Spored once again, but he remained motionless.

"Hey... Spored?"

As Dr. McMonkey looked down at his friend he felt something awful forming in the pit of his stomach.

"Somethings wrong," he said, shaking the bed again, "Blackcloud, get up. Somethings wrong with Spored!"

"What do you mean somethings wrong? He's just drunk," she sat up in bed, her tail twitching in agitation. "Spored, get up. You said you'd take a shower first."

Spored did not move.

"Spored, get up now," Blackcloud said again, getting out of bed, "You drank too much again. You always drink too much," She walked over to the makeshift mattress and kicked Spored in the leg. A cloud of spores shook off of his body and drifted silently for a moment before getting caught in the draft of the air conditioner. She tried tickling his nose with her tail. There was no reaction, so she kicked him again.

"Spored get up."

Dr. McMonkey watched Spored remain motionless, the sick feeling in his stomach growing stronger. "What if there's something wrong?" he said, trying to be helpful, "I brought my medical bag. I could go get it."

"Don't be ridiculous, he's drunk. Spored get up! Now!" She kicked him again, this time squarely in the stomach. Her ears twisted backwards as she grew angry. Spored flopped over onto his back but there was no response.

"Spored, come on!" she kicked him in the ribs. Another cloud of spores fumed from his body, but there was no other reaction.

"I've got my bag. Let me go get my bag," said Dr. McMonkey as he hurried into the small adjacent room.

"Spored! Spored... this isn't funny anymore. Get up. Say something! Come on, get up," she cried. She knelt down next to Spored and held her hand to his face. Her ears perked forward, listening for a response. He didn't appear to be breathing. "Spored, you're scaring me, get up. Please get up!"

"Back away," said Dr. McMonkey, "I'll handle this!" He probed through his Sailor Moon emergency medical kit until he located his stethoscope. He put the pink plastic ear plugs into his ears and grabbed Spored's leg. With one hand Dr.McMonkey deftly removed Spored's sock and stuck the freezing metal disk against the bottom of Spored's foot.

He waited.

"There's no pulse," he said gravely, "I think... no... he's dead! I'm sure of it."

"That's ridiculous," Blackcloud hissed, "He can't be dead. He just... can't!"

"He has no pulse. He can't be alive without a pulse, can he?"

"But..." she swallowed fighting back tears, "He was sitting here drinking last night. I just saw him."

"Dead. I'm sure of it."

They stared at each other, each waiting for the other one to say something. Blackcloud looked down at Spored's body, waiting for him to pop up, groggy and pissed off at being kicked in the stomach. The only sound was the hum of the air conditioner pumping cool air into the room. A few stray spores danced in its artificial breeze.

"What do we do? Do we call the police? I mean..." Dr. McMonkey scratched his head, "I've never dealt with a dead body before. What should I do?"

"How did he die? There aren't any marks on his body," she knelt over Spored examining him, "There are no ligature marks on his neck."

"What's a ligature mark?"

"It's like on CSI, when someone is strangled they have marks on their neck," She grabbed one of Spored's eyelids and opened it, "And their eyes get all red like they've been smoking weed too, but his eyes are normal looking... He hasn't been shot or stabbed either," she paused thoughtfully, "Could he have been poisoned?"

"Ummm.... shouldn't we call the police? Like the real police?" Dr. McMonkey wrung his hands together, "I mean, he's dead. We can't do anything for him, right?"

"No! No, its up to us! We've got to find out who killed Spored_to_Death!" Blackcloud said, standing up to meet Dr. McMonkey's gaze. "We have to, as a matter of pride! He was our friend and we let him get murdered right under our noses. We have to find his murderer and make them pay! And besides..."

"Yes?"

"The room's in his name. If they find out he's dead we won't be able to stay for the convention!"

"Urk!" cried Dr. McMonkey falling face first into the floor in shock.

"Look, I want to go to the convention too, but this seems wrong," Dr. McMonkey said while righting himself. He braced himself on the bed and pulled his face off the floor, "I mean, he's dead. Really dead! We can't just go and leave him here! Room service will find him and then call the police, and then we'll look like the prime suspects!"

"Relax," Blackcloud giggled as her ears perked forward, "I have a plan."

"Oh god."

"Did you ever see the movie Weekend at Bernie's?" she asked.

"Um. You mean the one where they bring the dead guy around for a weekend and pretend he's alive?" The doctor scratched his beard in thought, "That'll never work. That was just a movie, and not a very good one either."

"Do you have any better plans?" Blackcloud asked, twitching her tail rapidly to show her annoyance, "Because if you do, you better start talking now."

"Well," Dr. McMonkey said while looking around the room, "We could hide him I guess. Or maybe... I don't know. I really don't know."

"Well then get his shoes on. You're lucky he died in his clothes; otherwise you'd have to dress him."

"Ew," he said while replacing Spored's missing sock. A cursory glance around the room revealed that Spored's boots were close by, so Dr. McMonkey grabbed them and tried not to breathe through his nose while putting on the dead man's shoes.

"We should find some sunglasses for him too," said Blackcloud while she rummaged though her bag, "That way no one will be able to tell what he's staring at."

"Okay his shoes are on," said the doctor, "Are you ready? Lets pick him up. Grab his arm and throw it over your shoulder."

"Like this?"

"Yeah, that's right," said the doctor, bracing himself, "Alright, on three we'll lift him up and move to the elevator. One, two... THREE!"

"Urk!"

"Holy crap!" cried Blackcloud as she tried to lift up her end.

"My back!" screamed the doctor, "Put him down! Put him DOWN!"

"Who would have thought a mushroom would be so heavy," said Blackcloud as she dropped Spored's body back to the floor, "This isn't going to work. We just can't pick him up."

"We could hide him in the mini-fridge," the doctor said hopefully.

"No, they'll check in there," Blackcloud mused as she walked around the body. "I've got it. Grab a leg. We'll drag him."

"You're kidding?"

"Nope," said Blackcloud grabbing a leg, "He'll be fine. We'll just pretend he's tired."

"We're so busted," Dr. McMonkey said picking up his other leg.

"Prop open the door," said Blackcloud, "Use your bag."

"But my medicines are in there."

"No buts. Prop open the door."

"Fine," said the doctor, wedging the pink bag in the gap between the door and the floor, "I hope nothing breaks in there."

"Shh! It'll be fine. Come on!"

They pulled Spored's body out into the hallway and called the elevator. Blackcloud waited in front of the four bronze doors for a car to arrive on their floor. Dr. McMonkey picked up his bag and closed the door to the room. After a few minutes one of the elevator doors slid open.

"Come on, hurry!" hissed Blackcloud.

"I'm coming!"

They each grabbed a leg and pulled Spored's body into the elevator, but it was too small to accommodate him while lying down. Just as they realized that he wasn't going to fit the elevator door closed on Spored's head.

"Oh my god!" said Blackcloud "He's going to get killed like in that movie with the killer elevator!"

"Did he ever write a review for that?" the doctor asked.

"Now's not the time! His head is going to..."

The door slid open silently and there was a chime from the control panel. "Door obstruction," said a female voice, "Please clear the doorway in order to resume normal operation."

"Oh. Or it could just not work."

"Wow," the doctor said, "This elevator is smarter than your average elevator."

"Thank you," replied the elevator. Blackcloud and Dr. McMonkey looked at each other for a moment before folding Spored in half. The doors closed a moment later and they let Spored's body rest against them. Dr. McMonkey pressed the button for the lobby.

"I hope no one else needs this elevator, or we're going to have a lot of explaining to do," said the doctor quietly.

"Shh! The elevator will hear you!"

They spent the remainder of their descent in silence. The elevator decided to play some soothing music to ease the tension. After a few moments the elevator arrived at the lobby.

"Shouldn't we..." began Blackcloud when the door opened and Spored fell backwards and landed on the floor in front of a half dozen guests.

"Oh my god," cried one of the guests, "That man is drunk and passed out in the middle of the day!"

"Are you sure he's OK," said another guest, "He looks kinda dead."

"Oh no!" said Blackcloud as she jumped over Spored and out of the elevator. "He's just a raging alcoholic. We have to get him to the treatment center so he'll be ready to drink some more tonight."

"Treatment center?" asked one of the guests.

"She means the bar!" cried Dr. McMonkey, "Everyone stand back, I'm a doctor! This man need alcohol, stat. Quickly nurse, grab his arms! We'll pull him out of the way and get him to a bar, stat!"

"Do you want me to call an ambulance?" asked one of the hotel staff.

"No need! I am this man's personal physician, and I know what's best for him. Clear the way, come on, come on!" cried the doctor grabbing Spored's arm. They dragged him from the car and into the lobby. "You could call a cab for us, we'll need to get over to the convention center. We'll need a lot of liquor to fix him up!"

A little girl tugged on her mother's arm. "Mommy," she asked, "Is that man going to be OK?"

"Don't worry," Blackcloud whispered to the little girl, "He's a writer."

The mother pulled the little girl away from the group, "Stand back Marissa. Don't get near the writer. You'll get a disease or something." Blackcloud shot the woman a scathing look and helped pull Spored out the door into the street.

After a brief cab ride Blackcloud and Dr. McMonkey arrived at the convention center. They dragged Spored's body out onto the searing sidewalk and began looking for the entrance. Bits of Spored's shirt began to tear away as they dragged him over the concrete toward the doors.

Typical citizens on the streets of Baltimore.

"So how are we going to find out who killed Spored?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the best thing to do when you need information is to ask someone," replied Blackcloud. "Hmmm... hey, those guys might know something," she said pointing to two large figures surrounded by people with cameras.

"You mean the Italian plumber and the giant blue hedgehog?" asked the doctor, "Why would they know anything?"

"Well we won't know until we ask," replied Blackcloud. She paused to brace herself as she dragged Spored's body over a large rock and through a puddle of mud. His head landed in the puddle and his hair got soaked with mud. "Besides," she continued, "There are a lot of people around them. Maybe they've heard something."

"I don't know about this."

"It'll be fine," she smiled and began waving at the two figures, "Excuse me! Excuse me!"

"Hey! Its-a a cat girl and a guy with-a pink bag," said the plumber cheerfully, "How canna I help-a you?"

"We were just wondering if you'd seen anyone who might have killed our friend," Blackcloud said while grabbing a fistful of Spored's hair and pulling him into a sitting position. "Have you ever seen anyone who attacked this guy?"

"Your friend is dead?" asked the hedgehog, "That's a real shame. You know, if he had some rings on him he would have been fine. You know, rings... they take the edge off of things." The hedgehog's face twitched and his hands clenched briefly. "Hey... you don't have any rings on you, do you? Not that I NEED rings you know, I just... its just that its been sooo long since I've had some rings. You know how you can get when you don't have any rings right? I mean, when you have rings you feel invincible, like you can jump into fire or on some spikes and you'll be fine... but without them, you could die at any time, you know. And then what? I'll tell you what! Game over man! Game frickin' over!"

"What issa wit you and the rings alla da time," replied the plumber, "I never hadda da rings and I'mma OK. You gotta a real problem, ya know?"

"I got a problem? I got a problem! Listen to you, slapping your face and your name on every frickin' thing you see," the hedgehog was gritting his teeth and pushing his finger into the plumber's chest, "Kart racing, tennis, volleyball, fighting games, role playing games, golf, children's games, typing instruction games, art games and kids games. Looks like some body's overcompensating for having a tiny linguine!"

"Shut-uppa you face!"

"Hey man, at least I'm honest with myself. What are you, the Gene Simmons of video games? You have to slap your brand on everything like you're marking your territory! That's an awful lot coming from a guy who used to be a second banana to a gorilla."

"I'm scared," whispered Dr. McMonkey.

"We should go," said Blackcloud quietly as she grabbed Spored's leg.

"You-a two bit washed up a-junkie," the plumber ranted, waving his arms wildly in the air, "You'da be starvin' in the street if-a I hadn'a taken you in."

"I'd still have a career if you weren't so busy indoctrinating children into your little cult! Maybe you should've stared earlier. Ever think about sticking your face on an ultrasound machine?"

"You shut-uppa you face right now!"

"Make me, you walking stereotype!" said the hedgehog pushing the plumber.

As Blackcloud opened the door and started to drag Spored inside the plumber threw a punch at the hedgehog. The hedgehog fell backward, but got up, rolled into a ball and spun in place for a moment before taking off and slamming into the plumber's face. She did not wait to see the outcome.

"OK, this is really weird," said the doctor, "Not only did they not have any information, but they didn't seem to care that Spored was dead."

"Maybe they thought it was part of our costume," Blackcloud said while looking through her bag for her map, "It might help keep us from having to tangle with the authorities if we use that to our advantage." She unfolded the map and looked over it. "Where do you think we should go first?"

"We should go to the dealer's room."

"Will that help us find Spored's killer?" she asked.

"Huh? Oh yeah. Yeah, sure. Plus... its the dealer's room."

"Why do I get the feeling that you're not really interested in finding Spored's killer," said Blackcloud, twitching her tail rapidly.

"Oh no. No, I totally want to find his killer," said Dr. McMonkey holding his hands up in mock surrender, "It's just that the dealer's room will be full of people we can ask for help. Also, they have plushies."

"What?" cried Blackcloud. Her eyes widened and she grabbed the doctor by his lapels, "You mean cute, adorable, squishie, soft plushies that I can buy and take home and hug over and over again!" She paused and let go of the doctor's lapels, taking a moment to brush off her shirt. "I mean, yes. There will be a lot of people there. And perhaps, maybe we can look at plushies while we ask them questions."

"OK, let's head to the dealer's room!" cheered the doctor as he grabbed one of Spored's legs.

"Yes, lets go!" said Blackcloud. As she grabbed Spored's other leg. She barely noticed the face of the Italian plumber being pushed up against the glass door of the convention center, leaving a red smear as he slumped down onto the pavement. She glanced back in time to see the hedgehog being handcuffed by police and shoved into the back of a squad car.

The dealer's room was at the bottom of a long flight of stairs. Blackclould looked down the steps at the bottom thinking about what might happen if she and the doctor tried to drag him down. She pictured Spored's head hitting every single one of the steps, bouncing off the thin layer of carpet covering the concrete. In her mind's eye she saw Spored springing a leak and dripping blood... or whatever it was he had in place of blood all over the steps. She could see the guard at the front door asking some pointed questions about why her friend was bleeding all over the convention center carpet. This could be a problem, she thought, How are we going to get him down there without breaking him open like a pinata?

"Hey, what are you waiting for?" called Dr. McMonkey as he coasted down the escalator, "Lets go! YAY!"

"Oh," she dragged Spored's body over to the escalator. How did I miss that?

At the bottom Dr. McMonkey grabbed a leg and helped her drag Spored into the dealer's room. The guard stopped them at the doors, but only to check to see if Spored was wearing his Otakon ID badge. As they passed through the doors they saw the dealer's room. It was a vast, man made cavern packed with people moving among the stalls of Anime related goods. The sound of thousands of shoppers reflected off the distant ceiling, creating an echo that added to the incessant din that filled the room. Rows of people moved slowly from one stall to another, crowding around each table to get a view of the products displayed before moving through the crowd to yet another table.

"YAY!" cried the doctor, "I mean, um... lets ask some questions."

"Sure. Right after I check out those plushies."

"Oh look they're so cute!"

"How much for this one?"

"Oh wow its a pirate radish!"

"Isn't that awesome?"

"Hey lets go over here!"

"Check out that gloomy bear! Its so cute."

"Oh my god, kawaiii!"

"Hey, lets get one of those too!"

"Oh hey, I need that shirt."

"My bag's getting pretty full," said Blackclould, "Hang on a second." She looked through her bag which was quickly filling up with plushies and tried to reorganize its contents. A bag of catnip fell out of her bag. "Oh, how did that get in there?" she giggled and tried to stuff it back inside, but there was no room left.

"What's the matter?" asked the doctor.

"It doesn't fit," she replied, "Come on, why isn't... hey, hang on a second, I have an idea." She took the small bag of catnip and stuck it in Spored's pocket. "See, he doubles as an extra purse!"

"That's awesome. I mean, it still sucks that he's dead, but... awesome!"

"See, now I have my own Spored_to_Death bag! He's an accessory!"

"Does that mean we can buy more stuff?"

"Yay, stuff!"

"Look at this, isn't it cute?" asked the doctor.

"Hey, check out this House T-shirt! Its awesome!"

"Hey look at all the manga!"

"Come over here! Check this out! Isn't that a squishable? Look this is what they look like when they're all packed up!"

"Hey, look. Ninjas!" cried the doctor.

"Hello," said the male ninja.

"Wow, real ninjas," said Blackcloud, "Can we get a picture?"

"Sure," said the female ninja. She stood next to her companion and they posed, "One, two, three, cheese!"

Blackcloud took a picture of the ninjas. Then she remembered that she was supposed to do something other than buy things in the dealer's room. "Oh yeah, I have a question to ask you guys. Did you see anyone who might have..."

Which was when she realized that Spored's body was missing.

"Oh crap," she said quietly.

"Did we see anyone who might have what?" asked the male ninja.

"Oh my god. Um... We had a friend with us," Blackcloud said, "He was just lying here on the floor a second ago."

"Uhh... there wasn't anyone lying there," said the female ninja as she scratched her head. "Oh! Do you mean that guy who was lying on the floor over by the bathrooms?"

"Oh yeah, the mushroom guy," added the male ninja.

"I thought you were dragging him," Blackcloud said to the doctor.

"I thought you had him," replied the doctor.

"Where did you see him again?" asked Blackcloud.

"Over by the bathrooms," said the female ninja, "Near the stall with the Hello Kitty teacups."

"Hey," said the male ninja, "Look at the time. We've got to go!"

"Oh, right!" replied the female ninja. "Good luck finding your friend," she said cheerfully before both ninjas disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Holy crap," said Dr. McMonkey, "I think they might have been real ninjas!"

"Never mind that," Blackcloud said, grabbing the doctor's arm, "We have to go find Spored!"

***

Spored woke up on the floor. This was no real surprise as he had fallen asleep on the floor; if by "falling asleep" you meant passing out through severe alcoholic inebriation. But there was something different about this floor. For one thing, the floor that Spored had fallen asleep on was the floor of the hotel room. This floor had no carpet, which made it only slightly less comfortable.

For another thing, he was being stepped on by people who were all crowding around looking at Hello Kitty wallets.

Spored wrestled his way up into a standing position and tried to make sense of his situation. He was surrounded by Otaku purchasing small trinkets and branded implements from various stalls in a room that could easily hold a hockey rink. "Oh, I'm in the dealer's room," he concluded as he brushed himself off. I must have been trashed last night, he thought. How did I get here? Did I do anything that I would regret? Am I wanted by the police again?

The last thought prompted him to look for the nearest exit. Normally he would have stayed to purchase something, but the thought of immanent incarceration coupled with the throbbing headache from last night's drinking made escape his highest priority. He waded through scores of people, looking for a sign marked exit.

Instead he found this:

"Where the hell is the exit?" he asked. The sign remained silent, ignoring his request for information. Spored found the nearest wall. He moved toward the wall and when he reached it he turned and followed it. The room only has four walls, He mused while moving through the crowd, If I follow one I should find a door. Hopefully. Maybe.

The throngs of people crowded around toys and games, manga filled shelves next to super-deformed character plushies, and more than one merchant was displaying swords and other medieval weaponry. Spored tried to keep his bearings in the room, but the throbbing in his skull made it hard to concentrate. Then, at the end of one wall Spored saw a large group of people all heading for a set of doors. "Bingo," he grinned and moved into the crowd.

Once outside Spored found the escalators to the street level and exited the convention center. He moved across the street, aiming for the two bars sitting next to each other. He stared at them, trying to decide which one to go into, and finally decided with the toss of a coin. The coin told him to take the bar on the right, and he was in no mood to argue with currency, so he moved to the bar and took a seat.

The bar was teeming with people in costume, so it took some time before the bartender got over to him. Girls with tails sat around tables next to guys with spiky hair and swords. Guys dressed like giant furry creatures sat next to women with guns wearing clothes that had more in common with dental floss than swimwear. Orders came and went, currency changed hands, and Spored eagerly eyed the bottles draped behind the bar. Eventually Spored managed to catch the bartender's attention.

"What'll it be?" asked the bartender.

"Can I have a pint?"

"Sure. What's your poison?" the bartender smiled beneath his mutton-chop mustache, "We've got a couple of great local brews on tap,"

"I'll take a whiskey," said Spored.

"I thought you wanted a pint?" the bartender's brows furrowed.

"Yes," said Spored, "A pint of whiskey. But now that you mention it, I'll take one of those beers as well."

"Sir," said the bartender while giving Spored his best stop screwing with me stare, "We don't normally serve whiskey in pint glasses."

"Well then I shall require the largest glass you can put whiskey into, and then fill it with whiskey. The cheapest will do," said Spored. He leaned in a whispered almost conspiratorially, "You see, I have one hell of a hangover."

"Oh. And drinking a pint of whiskey will fix that, will it?"

"Well, it should take the edge off at least."

The bartender stared at the mushroom silently for a moment. "Okay pal, its your liver," he said as he poured whiskey into the pint glass. "One pint of whiskey. What kind of beer did you want?"

"Surprise me," replied the mushroom.

"OK," said the bartender turning to the tap. "So are you in town for the convention?" When there was no response he turned back to see the mushroom put the empty pint glass down on the bar. "Jesus buddy," he said softly.

As the bartender stared at the talking mushroom man in a mixture of amazement and horror the door to the bar opened and half a dozen cat girls entered. They flicked their tails and talked animatedly while adjusting their outfits. At any moment one of them could have a wardrobe failure much like the one Janet Jackson had at the Superbowl.

"Did you see that guy staring at me in the last workshop?" the first one said while pulling up her top, "What a pervert! He just kept staring at my chest for an hour!"

"Oh, and there was that guy in the hall outside the dealer's room who kept staring at our tails!" said the second one while setting her giant spiked mace down for a second to fix her shirt, "Can you believe that guy! Ecchi!"

"My god," said the third one clutching a giant mallet, "This convention is just full of perverts!"

"They're everywhere!" shrieked the one in glasses with a mace, "I bet they're all going to the hentai shows tonight!"

"Oh my god, you'd never get me to go to one of those!"

"Ya-da!"

"Hey, my pants keep riding up! Can we find a bench to sit at so guys won't keep staring at my legs!"

The bartender found himself staring at the cat girls. He didn't know what "ecchi" meant, but he was sure that he didn't want to get caught checking them out, so he studied the beers on tap for a few moments. He poured a beer and tried not to look. He failed. He was torn between the amount of skin the cat girls were showing and the size of the weapons they brought with them to the bar. He contemplated asking them not to bring their weapons inside, but decided against it.

"How much do I owe you?" asked Spored.

"What?" said the bartender as he set down the beer, "Oh. Yeah, the whiskey. Well it was quite a lot. We don't usually price for..." his voice trailed off as one of the cat girls bent over to pick something up off the floor.

"Hey this beer is fantastic!"

"Huh? Yeah, its brewed right here in Baltimore," the cat girl retrieved whatever it was she was looking for and the bartender decided to direct his gaze elsewhere. "Listen, why don't we just say $35 for the whole thing."

"Sounds fair," replied Spored as he dug through his pocket and pulled out some rumpled bills. He felt something in his pocket that seemed unfamiliar and took it out with the money. "Hey, what's this? I've got catnip in my pocket."

Spored rifled through the rumpled bills and left enough on the counter for his tab and a tip. He stared up at the bartender who backed away without taking the money. The bartender's eyes were fixed on something behind Spored and he seemed afraid of whatever it was.

"What did you say, you pervert?" asked a voice from behind him. Spored spun the bar stool around and stared a cat girl straight in the chest.

"Oh. Hello."

"What are you looking at, pervert?" she hissed.

"Pervert?" asked Spored, feeling a little tipsy from imbibing all the whiskey at once, "Look here, I'll have you know that I'm not a pervert... although I happen to think like one occasionally."

"What did you say?"

"Hmmm... I guess that sounds pretty bad," he cocked his head to one side, "Look, let me buy you a drink."

"Now you want to get me drunk?"

"I dunno," replied Spored, "Which answer is less likely to get me hit?"

"What?"

"Hey," said the cat girl with glasses, "He won't stop staring at your chest!"

"What? Hey, stop staring at my chest!", hissed the cat girl, "My eyes are up here!"

"Oh yeah," said Spored drunkenly, "Mammals have eyes. I keep forgetting that."

Then they were upon him, a flurry of furry fury armed with gigantic weapons enveloped Spored. To the untrained eye it looked like one of those old comics where a fight was represented by a cloud of smoke with limbs poking out of it occasionally. This is exactly what it looked like to Spored, who's eyes were not only untrained but horribly drunk. Eventually there was blissful darkness; but before that there was a whole lot of pain.

***

"Where could he have gotten off to?" Blackcloud looked up and down the street for Spored's body, but he was no where to be found.

"You don't suppose he got up and left?" asked Dr. McMonkey while shrinking back nervously, "I mean, he's not a zombie, right?"

"I don't know. How should I know?"

"Well, I mean zombies aren't real, are they?"

"What about the ones that Spored has working at the office?" Blackcloud grabbed Dr. McMonkey's wrist and led him back up to the first floor of the convention center.

"You mean they're not guys in costume?"

"No. Haven't you ever noticed that Spored pays them in brains?" she stopped in mid-stride, "I guess I should say paid them in brains now." She bit her lip and looked around the floor for signs of a body, drag marks, even foot prints.

"Hey, why don't we ask that guy over there?" the doctor chimed in.

"Who?"

"The guy in the butterfly costume," the doctor replied, pointing to a man in a giant yellow costume standing next to a woman who looked remarkably like Jacqueline Onassis.

"Oh. Of course. They obviously must know where Spored's body is."

"They do?"

"I was being sarcastic!"

"You don't have to be mean about it!" the doctor grabbed his bag and started off in the direction of the butterfly man. Blackcloud watched him go, feeling a little bad about snapping at him.

"Hey. Excuse me. Sir?" the doctor asked.

"What? I'm little busy right now," replied the butterfly man, "Hey, hang on a second. Have you seen a guy in a pink shirt with glasses, bald... probably on drugs?"

"No, I can't say that I have."

"What about a really big blond guy in an ugly shirt? Looks like he eats kittens and craps hate."

"No. I'm sorry, I haven't seen anyone around here that looks like that."

"Honey, you can't expect random people to know the location of your arch nemesis," replied the Jackie O. look-a-like in an incredibly deep voice, "The chances of finding people like that is really next to zero."

"Well what else do you want me to do?" replied the butterfly man, "I mean we've been walking around for hours, and its not like they run a booth or something."

"You really think that its pointless to ask people if they've seen your friends around?" asked the doctor, "You mean... there's no hope?"

"Oh sweetie," said the Jackie O. look-a-like, "Did you loose somebody too?"

"Yes" said Dr. McMonkey barely able to hold back a tear.

"Well who did you lose?"

"My friend," said the doctor, "He's kind of a mushroom guy. And he was kind of... dead."

"Wait, you mean the guy who was lying face down on the floor of the bar across the street?" interrupted the butterfly man, "Seriously? You know that guy?"

"Oh my god, really!" the doctor grabbed the butterfly man's hand and shook it vigorously, "Thank you, thank you so much!" Then he turned and ran off.

"That, by far, is the weirdest thing I've seen all day," the Jackie O. look-a-like whispered quietly.

"Yeah, I know," the butterfly man replied, "Its like some contrived plot device."

Dr. McMonkey ran up to Blackcloud. She started to apologize for snapping at him when he grabbed her wrist and starting pulling her toward the door, "Come on, he's across the street!"

"What?"

"Yeah, the butterfly guy said he saw Spored in the bar."

"You mean, he's alive?"

"No, he said he was on the floor, so he's probably still dead," the doctor said pushing the door open.

"Stop yanking me around!" Blackcloud pulled her arm out of the doctor's hand, "And what do you mean by "still dead"? He can't come back to life. Right?"

"Lets just go, OK! What if the killer is trying to hide the body?"

"In a bar?"

"Well..."

"Or... what if the killer is trying to frame us?"

The doctor looked at Blackcloud in shock. "I didn't think of that."

"Come on, lets go," she said racing up to the crosswalk. She hit the button to cross the street and waited impatiently for the light to change. Dr. McMonkey clutched his bag, and tried to stay close to Blackcloud. She shifted from one foot to another, watching the light. When it changed she grabbed the doctor and ran for the other side. The other pedestrians looked on as they pushed through the crowd.

When they reached the other side of the street Blackcloud paused in front of two bars. "That butterfly guy didn't say which bar, did he?"

"No."

She looked around. There was a crowd of people standing around something in the bar on the right. "That one!" She grabbed the doctor and they pushed inside.

As she pushed through the crowd Blackcloud saw Spored's body on the floor in a pool of blood. "Oh my god, Spored!" she knelt next to him and almost picked up his head, but he was covered in blood and she stopped herself before she got covered in it.

"Hey, do you know this guy?" someone asked.

Suddenly she was very conscious of the fact that everyone was staring at her. Oh crap, I can't let them find out that I know he's already dead! She put her hand on Spored's back and shook him. "Spored? Spored, speak to me!"

The bartender leaned over the bar, "Hey, I've called for an ambulance. They should be here any minute."

Blackcloud gripped Spored's shirt and shook him harder, "Spored, come on get up!" This isn't good, she thought, If the paramedics get a look at his body, its all over. What do I do?

"Stand back," cried Dr. McMonkey as loud as he could, "I'm a doctor! Move, move now! Move out of the way!"

Yes! she thought.

"OK, lets see here... " Dr. McMonkey said as he knelt down next to Spored's body, "Oh my god! This man needs immediate medical attention!"

"Uh, yeah!" replied the bartender, "we can see that."

"No, no! What I mean is... there's no time to wait for an ambulance!" the doctor grabbed one of Spored's legs, "You, girl. You're his friend, right? Grab his leg. We have to hurry!"

"Hey doc," said the bartender as he came out from behind the bar, "Maybe you should wait for the ambulance."

"No time! Now, grab the leg, we have to flee... I mean hurry!"

Blackcloud didn't wait for further encouragement, she grabbed Spored's leg and they ran out the door.

"Man, this place gets crazier every year," said the bartender.

"Quick, we'll lose them in the convention!" said the doctor as he pulled Spored's body across the street.

"Wait! The traffic!" Blackcloud tried to pull back but the doctor was already half way across the street before she could stop him. She wanted to close her eyes but knew it would probably result in them all being run over by a car. Instead she ducked her head and pulled the body across six lanes of traffic, leaving the crowd of gawkers behind at the bar.

They bolted through the doors of the convention center and rushed though a large group of people. They moved up some stairs and Blackcloud listened to Spored's head thump against each step as they ascended. She looked to her right and met the gaze of several people riding the escalator in the same direction. "Crap!"

When they got to the top she pulled the party towards the enclosure for the restrooms and grabbed Dr. McMonkey by the collar. "Stop, stop. I think we lost them."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, pretty sure," she panted, letting her ears droop down at her side, "That was close. You did some quick thinking back there."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she smiled and her ears perked up a bit, "If it weren't for you, we'd probably be in jail right now. Or... worse."

"What could be worse than jail?" Dr. McMonkey asked, clutching his bag in both hands.

"Well, as I figure it, the killer must know that we're on his... or her trail. That's why they had to move Spored's body," she looked around cautiously, "I think the killer might be watching us."

"Oh no," Dr. McMonkey hid his face behind his bag, "I don't want to die!"

"Relax! The killer can't get us here," Blackcloud stood up straight and preened her tail, "We're in public. No killer who was worried about being caught would attack us at the con."

"So we're safe as long as we're at the con?"

"Yes, I think so. But we have to stop fooling around," Blackcloud smacked her fist into her open palm, "We're in serious danger here."

"Um... is there another type of danger?" asked the doctor, "I mean, if we have to be in danger..."

"This is it! The time is upon us! We are going to rise to the occasion and catch Spored's killer!" she put her left arm around the doctor's shoulder and made a fist with her right, punching up at the air to show her determination, "The time has come to become real detectives! We came to this convention as guests, but by the end of the day we're going to be heroes! We'll forever be known as the dynamic duo that cracked the first ever Otakon murder mystery of mystery!"

"We're detectives now?"

"At the end of this day we're going to see Spored_to_Death's killer in chains. Or, whatever they use now when they arrest killers. The time has come to quit fooling around!"

"Yeah!" added the doctor.

"Nothing can stop us now! We have a strength of will, we have the pure determination required to become first class detectives!"

"YEAH!"

"From now on, the only thing we will think about is catching the killer! We will succeed! Nothing will distract us ever again!"

"YEAAAH!!!"

There was a chime and then a voice from overhead interrupted their moment of solidarity, "May I have your attention please. Seating for the Kanon Wakeshima concert will begin shortly. Please assemble to get in line for the concert.

Blackcloud felt the doctor go rigid. She looked over at him and his jaw was hanging open. He had dropped his bag and his hands were hanging slack at his sides. His eyebrows tried to crawl up his forehead and his eyes widened to the point where she thought they might pop out of his skull and dance around. A sound started to build in the back of his throat. It was very quiet at first, but it grew in volume in a matter of seconds.

"eeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

"What?" she grabbed his arm, "What's the matter with you? What's wrong? Are you having a seizure?"

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohymyghod," he gasped, "KanonWakeshimaishereohmygodIforgotabouttheconcertohmygod,holycrap,holycrap, wehavetogo,wehavetogo,WE HAVE TO GO NOW!!!"

"But... the killer..."

Dr. McMonkey stared at Blackcloud with eyes that held fanaticism bordering on madness. "We! Have! To! GO!"

"Okay," she said quietly.

They dragged Spored over to the seating area. A polite woman in a maid's outfit asked them to stand in line. "Miss, Sir," said the maid, "I'm sorry, but your friend needs to stand up in line. He's over the tape."

Blackcloud looked the maid straight in the eyes, "Its not my friend, its my handbag."

"Oh," replied the maid. She stared at Blackcloud and then down at Spored's body. "Could you please pick it up then? Its over the line."

"I'm sorry, but its very heavy. I don't think I can hold it the whole time."

"Hmmm..." hummed the maid quietly. She put her index finger under her chin and appeared to be lost in deep contemplation. "Oh, I know!" she cried. Then she kicked Spored's body in the ribs, pushing him slightly over the line, "My it is heavy, isn't it?" She kicked him again, and then again, moving him slowly in between the taped lines of the floor. Her foot became a flurry of kicks, pushing the fungus man into position until no part of his body came over the taped line.

"There we are, all better!" the maid chirped and moved on to the next group of people.

Frogs know the importance of standing in line.

The seating proceeded without further incident, but the maid did occasionally stop back to kick Spored's body back into position. As a fungus he was not the most structurally sound piece of Mother Nature's engineering and required occasionally prodding to remain in position. Once the seating began Blackcloud and Dr. McMonkey pulled Spored's body with them into the concert hall, but were stopped before they took their seats by an Otakon staff member.

"I'm sorry miss, but your... bag... is too big," said the staff member, "If you can't stuff it under a seat then I'll have to ask you to leave it at the end of the aisle."

"Well..." Blackcloud began, but Dr. McMonkey shot her a pleading look, and she was not able to resist his "puppy dog eyes of sadness" technique, "All right. Just don't lose him... it! I mean it!"

The Otakon staff member took Spored's body and left it at the end of the aisle. Other people filed into the aisle, occasionally stepping on him. Blackcloud was about to protest when the lights dimmed.

The voice of Otakon announced that the concert would begin shortly and to note that on the left of the auditorium was the area for the after show autographs. Then there was silence. Blackcloud waited. Dr. McMonkey waited. Dr. McMonkey scratched himself. Blackcloud looked up at the television screens on either side of the stage and watched a yellow rodent with a lightning tail crowd surf over the audience. Someone got shocked by the rodent. Then there was some more waiting.

Then there was even more waiting.

Finally the room grew dark, and the voice of Otakon announced that the opening band for Kanon would be a local band from the Baltimore area known as Geist. The room was silent and dark.

And then it wasn't.

The audience collectively got their brains blown to the back of the auditorium by a wave of sound which was punctuated by pulsing lights that shot through their eyes into their now vacant skulls.

Figuratively.

It was as if a tidal wave of metal crashed into the audience, at once catching them up and lifting them into another world; a world that had existed parallel to ours but had been kept in check by the forces of daylight and social order. Once in the darkened seats the audience was at the mercy of this other realm; a realm that was illuminated by a angry neon light; fueled by the music being wrought from instruments that seemed too small to make sounds of that caliber. They were swept up, taken away on the sea of music and transported into a world created by the five figures on stage, hewn together on a raft of collective consciousness.

And most of them weren't even on drugs. Most of them.

In the shadows of the concert hall an Otakon staff member tripped over something at the end of an aisle. His startled cry was muffled by the band's finale. He rose to his feet and stared at the offending object. In the dim light he couldn't quite make out what the object was, but he thought it looked like a person.

The voice of Otakon boomed overhead and once again announced that the area to the left of the stage would be set up for autograph signing. The Otakon staff decided that this offending person, if it was indeed a person, should be removed from an area where others could trip on it. Therefore he saw no reason not to drag the prone form in front of the autograph area and leave it there, for better or for worse.

"Jerk," he commented before once again stalking the aisles to ensure that everyone had a safe and enjoyable time.

***

There was a roar of clapping and cheering, so naturally Spored tried to take a bow. Unfortunately he was unable to move due to tremendous pain which wrapped his body like a warm comforter. Of pain.

After the cheering subsided a slow, melodic tune reverberated through Spored's body. He wondered why there was music until a voice began to sing. His kept his eyes closed and let the voice wash over his tired form. I get it, he thought, I was beaten to death by those cat girls. I must be going to heaven. The voice was beautiful and slow, and when it paused it was replaced by the somber tones of a cello.

Huh? I always thought angels played harps.

The song ended and the voice said it would announce the name of its partner, who was called "Mikazuki," and indicated that the name should be remembered.

Why would I need to know that? Spored thought, Is there a test to get into heaven? This is getting strange. He opened his eyes and was greeted with another unfamiliar ceiling. Is the music coming from an alarm clock? Spored swatted about but his hand only contacted a tiled floor.

Something isn't right, he thought, I need to figure out what's going on. He pushed his palms against the floor and pushed himself half upright. There was a warm glow so he let his gaze move toward the light. A figure stood onstage, wearing an ornate dress. She sang softly, holding the attention of the audience as she swirled her skirts and moved lithely across the stage. Spored watched her sing, transfixed by her grace, until the strength in his arm gave out and the back of his head smacked against the cold tile floor.

Huh... I guess this is the Kanon Wakeshima concert. How did I get here? Spored gathered his resolve and forced himself into a sitting position. For that matter, why am I not in a hospital? And where did my friends go? They wouldn't leave me on a cold tile floor.

Would they?

The song came to an end and the audience clapped and cheered for Kanon. Spored realized that his head hurt and clapped his hands over his ears until they subsided in their aural assault. Then, Kanon announced that the next song would be her last song of the concert.

Which is when roughly fifty percent of the audience got up from their seats and started moving towards him. Fast.

What's going on? Spored looked about, confused, until his eyes fixed on a sign that had one word printed on it.

The sign read, "Autographs."

"Oh crap."

By the time he turned his head back to the stage a tidal wave of Otaku were upon him. A knee inadvertently found his face, crushing his nose and sending his head back down to the floor. A wave of feet trampled over him as the Otaku jockeyed for position overhead. Spored managed to gain some leverage by biting the ankle of one unlucky fan. As the fan recoiled it made a small hole as others looked down to see what was going on beneath their feet. Not having enough time to stand Spored did the only thing he could think of; he grabbed the nearest ankle and pulled himself forward.

The trampling lessened in intensity, but resumed as the need for autographs outweighed the temporary curiosity of the horde of Otaku. To keep himself alive Spored grabbed another ankle and pulled himself along, swimming beneath a sea of fans.

"Hey, that guy's getting ahead!" screamed one fan. Spored looked behind him and saw a body hit the floor and start to mimic his fan swimming tactics. When other Otaku began to notice people getting through underneath them some of them tried to mimic the feat as well. But while the fans were moving toward the autograph table, Spored made for the door. After escaping the sea of Otaku he turned, watching as a knot of flesh formed at the base of the autograph area. Otakon staff valiantly tried to disassemble the Gordian knot of arms and legs as more fans piled on, looking for purchase.

Spored had hardly noticed that Kanon had started singing again amidst the chaos. She kept her attention on the fans who remained in their seats. They had come to the concert to see her sing, and Spored reasoned that it was more polite for fans to wait for her to end her performance. While it was true that there would only be a limited amount of time to get in line for autographs, wasn't it more important to watch a performer do what they came half way around the world to do: perform?

Please forgive their zeal, they mean no disrespect, he thought. It occurred to him that it might be possible to convey that sentiment directly, but it would mean getting all the way to the back end of the sea of Otaku that had formed in one corner of the auditorium. Spored noted that the knot of Otaku was quickly becoming a living Katamari and decided against it. Instead he left as quickly as possible.

He wandered around for some time, looking for his friends. He asked a particularly tall gentleman if he had seen them, but the gentleman started ranting about being some sort of shape shifting master, so Spored pressed on alone.

Eventually he found his way to the art room. It was full of artists sequestered in stalls, busily sketching and sewing cute and adorable things. Spored caught the sight of a particularly tall fellow and decided to ask him about seeing his friends.

"Excuse me," he asked, "I'm looking for a cat girl and a doctor with a pink Sailor Moon bag," as Spored examined the tall man, he determined that it was actually a giant robot. Having already had a strange day he decided to ask the robot anyway.

"So, big guy... have you seen them?"

The robot remained resolutely silent. Perhaps it had not seen them. Or perhaps it was waiting for something. Or someone. Perhaps it was waiting for a special person, a person who would send out a call for the robot, and the robot would rise up from the streets and fight along side that person. Perhaps that person would come to terms with their incredibly convoluted past, and find the determination to rise up and wrest control of their own destiny. The destiny of a man. Yes a man... with the most common name in the English language.

Or perhaps the robot was just being a jerk.

Either way it stared out into space with its cold robotic eyes, ignoring Spored's question. He snorted and gave the robot the finger. It did not hit him, which was a first for the day.

Spored made his way toward the exit, plotting his next move. A rumbling in his stomach told him that he should find nourishment, and not the liquid kind. As he walked past a stall with a poster board inviting fans to draw on it he heard two familiar voices.

The pig with the eye lasers wins. Pew Pew!

"Oh my god, we're dead! The killer's gonna find us and butcher us to death until we die from it. To death!"

"Get a hold of yourself," Blackcloud hissed while grabbing the doctor by the lapels and slapping him across the face with her tail, "We've just got to find Spored's body, find some clues, not get distracted, catch the killer, save the... ohh! Sheeps!"

"No, no! There's no time for cuteness, we're gonna die!" the doctor wailed.

Spored walked up behind them, quietly enjoying the scene.

"But its not a sheep, its a picture of a cat dressed up in a sheep outfit," Blackcloud picked up the picture and cradled it, "I want it! Ohhh! How much is this one?"

"No!" the doctor tried to pull Blackcloud away from the table, but the power of the cute artwork kept Blackcloud clutching the table with her claws, "Oh god, we're gonna get killed until we die to death from it! We have to go, remember? Spored's dead!"

"Oh. Oh, that's right," she said dropping the picture. "Spored..."

"What?"

They turned. Spored stood before them with his hands in his pockets, staring at them as if they had lost their minds.

"You're alive!" the doctor screamed, hugging him.

"You jerk!" screamed Blackcloud, punching him in the face.

She looked at him bewildered that he didn't fall over from the punch, "What the heck? How are you still standing?"

"I spent some time building up my defense against cat girl punches," he smirked, "Anyway, I'm starving, lets go eat!" He started in the direction of the exit.

"But where were you all day?" Blackcloud asked as she caught up to him, "I mean, we took you to the con, and then you were missing, and then we found you, and you went missing again..."

"Hey, how do you build up resistance to cat girl punches?" asked Dr. McMonkey, "Just out of curiosity. I'm not going to use that knowledge for perverted means."

"No, you would never do that," laughed Spored.

"So what happened to you?" Blackcloud asked, "Don't dodge my question!"

"I dunno," he replied, "I woke up, had some whiskey and a really nice beer. Then I got beat up by cat girls. Then I woke up again and got trampled by fans. And then I was here."

"So, you don't remember any of the concert?" Dr. McMonkey pushed open the doors and they walked out into the warm night air.

"I remember some of it."

"So what do we do now?" Blackcloud asked.

"I think we should go to a nice restaurant," said Spored, "I'm starving. I don't think I ate all day!"

"Can I have fish?" asked Blackcloud.

"Can I have black pudding?" asked the doctor.

"I... uh... sure. I guess."

"You know Spored, something seems missing," the doctor flung his bag over his shoulder, "Like something important. Something we missed."

"Well I missed a lot, but I don't know what you mean," Spored crossed the street through a thong of Otaku.

"Yeah, something does seem off," Blackcloud concurred, "Its like... there's something we forgot to do."

"Look, whatever it is we can figure it out..."

"YOU!" screamed a voice from behind them.

Spored turned slowly and saw that there were half a dozen nuns standing behind them. The nuns let their hands rest on their rulers, which were secured to their persons in ruler-shaped sheathes.

"Um..." Spored began.

"You're that PERVERT from last year!" the largest nun in the middle withdrew a yardstick from her waist and held it with both hands like a sword, "We remember you!"

"That one in the middle, right?" asked a smaller nun as she pulled two twelve inch rulers from her waist and held one in each hand, "That's the one?"

"Hey, I don't know you ladies, all right!" Spored took a step back.

"Yeah that's him," said another nun as she pulled some small rulers from her sleeve, "Get him!"

"There's been some ki..." Spored managed before a ruler connected with his face, and once again he felt the hard unyielding embrace of the sweet, sweet pavement.

The End.

Um... my apologies Sporefans, this F.I.C.T.I.O.N. generator appears to be broken. None of this happened, and none of it could possibly happen. This is the most ridiculous, ludicrous, half-baked plot I've ever seen. There is no way that any of the events depicted here could possibly have happened at this years Otakon. This thing isn't worth the fifteen bucks I paid for it!

Perhaps next year I'll have a team of monkeys write the Otakon review instead.

Oh, and please enjoy the video. Of all the one's I looked at, I liked this one the best!

Upcoming events

2009-07-29T13:45:00.001-04:00

Greetings Sporefans. By now you're wondering where the latest review is. Our next review will cover Otakon 2009, and much like last year's Otakon review it will be gigantic. Please be patient and rest assured that there will be plenty for you to read very soon, with lots of great shots from this year's Otakon convention.

Also coming soon will be a review of The Shaft aka Down Featuring Naomi Watts and eventually we hope to tackle Twilight, although that movie will require a little bit of prep work and a lot of intestinal fortitude. So stay tuned Sporefans, there's still much more to come!

If we survive the movies, that is.