Come on in Sporefans! Let me show you this amazing apartment!
What?
A review? Well I’m sorry, but we don’t have time to review the movie I
had in mind. I was going to write about The Landlord. No, not that one, the other one. No, the other other one. That’s right, the one written and directed by Emil Hyde. He
also plays the Motel Clerk in one scene. Yes, I’m aware of the
Apodacaing going on here, but we’ll talk about that in great detail...
right after I show you the view from these windows! Come on over and
see!
Why
am I showing you an apartment Sporefans? Well, ha ha; it’s not because I
went to find the apartment from the movie The
Landlord to get some background information for a review. And
it’s CERTAINLY NOT BECAUSE I AM BEING COERCED BY DEMONS! NOTHING COULD
BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. HA HA HA!
HA!
…
Why don’t I show you the bathroom, Sporefans?
As
you can see, the bathroom comes with a toilet, which is used for the tenant. I mean used by the tenant. Sorry, I’m new to
the realty business; I’m not an old pro like Tyler from The
Landlord, (who was played by Derek Dziak.) Man, I wonder what
ever happened to that guy? I’m pretty sure he wasn’t EATEN BY DEMONS! HA
HA HA! HA HA!
…
HA!
What? I am just showing you how much I like the T-Rex from that movie Jurassic Park!
As
you can see, the bathroom also comes with a bathtub and a shower head.
This makes it easier to clean up bodies... Uh! I mean, to clean your
body. Of course. That is totally what I am saying. HA! So, it may have a
few stains from the previous tenants, but I’m sure we could polish
those right out for you. In fact, it will almost be like they were never
here once we’re through.
Don't worry, that tenant is water soluble.
Over
here we have the kitchen, where nothing bad has ever happened. Don’t
mind that stain on the counter, Sporefans. It is most definitely NOT
from a demon making dinner. You know Sporefans, there was a demon named
Rabisu in The Landlord (who looks amazingly like Rom Barkhordar) who stole Tyler’s credit card to order a dehydrator on late
night T.V. to make people jerky. Why do I mention Rabisu? No reason. No reason at all. It’s not like a demon would ever try to rip off a
tenant’s skin and dehydrate it for later consumption in a small kitchen
like this one. That would be insane.
On top of which nothing BAD has ever HAPPENED HERE!
I mean, I would never try to rent you an apartment INHABITED BY DEMONS!
Unless... of course... you like demon infested apartments?
Because IF you did; and I’m not saying you do, Sporefans. But IF you did, then we might have something to talk about.
There
are advantages to having demon roommates, you know? For example, you
never have to worry about burglars, door to door salesmen, people who
want to talk to you about religion, the mailman... In fact, some demons
are incredibly funny. In The Landlord Tyler had an
interesting relationship with Rabisu, almost as if they were friends. It
might lead you to think that humans and demons might co-exist... when
the latter isn’t eating the former.
"Heeeey! Come on! I'm basically a good guy. OK... demon."
It
could be worse, Sporefans. You might, say... get saddled with a demon
like Lamashtu, (who might look like Lori Myers if she weren’t a demon,
but what am I saying?) a demon who would probably rip the skin off your
arms and fry it while catching your blood in a sacrificial bowl to make
into jam; eventually plucking out your eyes and snacking on them before
sucking the marrow from your bones.
HA! HA HA HA!
Luckily I don’t have bones, Sporefans. But I bet that would probably hurt.
Now,
if you’re interested in learning more about demons, I recommend that
you watch the movie The Landlord as the demons
depicted in the movie are actually based on real mythological demons.
Really REAL DEMONS! HA HA! In fact, if you rent this apartment, I’ll
even throw in a copy of the movie for free!
Wait! Why are you leaving? Come back!
Sporefans,
do you mean to tell me that I’ve spent the last twenty minutes trying
to rent you an apartment that I might be implying... not SAYING, but
implying is inhabited by demons... and the thing that made you want to
leave was when I recommended this movie? Let me tell you that while this
movie appears to have no budget and looks like it was shot in a cheap
college apartment, this movie is actually really, really good.
No. Really.
First
off, the movie is extraordinarily funny. The actors all do an excellent
job of portraying their characters and their comedic timing is
excellent. While the story isn’t a groundbreaking whirlwind of drama and
emotion, it’s an entertaining story that’s well paced with excellent
dialogue. The special effects were adequate, but considering that the
film only had a budget of $22,000 I think they did quite well; in fact I
would say that the special effects were better than some movies put out
by the SyFy channel. Considering that the movie’s budget was $22,000 I
think the entire production was well above the quality you would expect.
I
was amazed at how much I enjoyed the writing, Sporefans. I’ll give you a
quick summation without revealing too much. The
Landlord is about Tyler, a man who rents an apartment infested
by demons. Each of the tenants are eaten...
What? What plate? Oh. I’ll clean that up later.
Each
of the tenants are eaten by the demons, usually before Tyler can
collect any rent. Tyler shares ownership of the apartment building with
his sister Amy (played by Michele Courvais), a somewhat crooked cop who
is used to cracking down on supernatural predators who dwell in the
neighborhood.
Everything
is going gre.... smoothly, until Tyler meets Donna (played by Erin Myers), a young woman on the run who wants to rent the apartment. Tyler
is torn between his growing affections for Donna and his need to feed
his cannibalistic demon overlords.
Be careful ladies. You don't want it to accidentally go off in your hands.
Now
Sporefans, I am aware that Emil Hyde is Apodacaing in this movie. To
Apodaca a movie is to take a great risk, but I believe that Emil Hyde
won against some pretty steep odds and this movie came out well. Do you
remember why it’s a risk to Apodaca a movie Sporefans?
When
a writer decides to direct his own movie, and produce it, and then
takes a role in their film they are removing other people who might
provide critical feedback that would correct glaring problems that could
hamper or ruin the movie. The less feedback the Apodacaing
director/writer/producer/actor receives, the more likely their final
product will be seriously flawed. That’s why it is usually a bad idea to
Apodaca a movie, because the person in charge has less outside
perspective to help them fix problems that they would miss on their own.
This is a vitally important part of the creative process because people
who create are very close to what they are creating and sometimes can
not accurately convey what they think they’re conveying to their
audience.
I
can see your eyes glazing over Sporefans. OK, so that was a really
long-winded explanation. That’s why I brought this instructional video!
Now why don’t you just take a seat on this couch and watch the movie
while I go fetch you some milk and cookies. Did you know that the smell
of warm cookies can help entice prospective tenants when they’re making
decisions on whether to lease an apartment? Now have a seat... don’t
worry, the couch has been cleaned! Let me just pop in this movie...
And
now I present to you Sporefans, The Severe Risks of Apodacaing
Your Movie: a guide for independent directors. Presented in
Sporevision.
A
man in a pinstripe suit with spectacles appears on the television.
You’re not sure, but it looks like he might have a couple of bumps on
either side of his forehead. In fact... nah, it couldn’t be...
Well...
The bumps on his forehead do kind of look like horns.
Horny
Man: Hello and welcome prospective directors! I’m so glad you’ve
decided to take our training course on the dangers of “wearing too many
hats!” I know so many of you up and coming independent film makers are
pressed to make due with miniscule budgets, but one of the biggest
pitfalls a new director can face is not having any feedback.
Horny
Man: Over the course of this video we will introduce you to the dangers
of taking on too much responsibility when making your vision come to
life. In fact, let’s check in with an up and coming director who happens
to be on his set at this very moment.
The
screen star wipes and a man wearing a pirate outfit with a black cape
brandishing a ninja sword and a laser gun at something just off
screen.
Pirate Ninja Vampire Spaceman: You’ll never know the secret magic of the ancient ninjas! Now let the girl go!
The camera pans roughly to a someone wearing a squid costume with robot legs.
Robot Alien Squid Zombie: I will learn your secrets if I eat your braaaaiiins! Now...
The
actor in the squid costume trips over one of the suit’s tentacles and
lands on a scantily clad woman with large... eyes.
Busty McSpacegirl: Get off me! That hurt! Do you know how much these implants cost? If you pop one of these, I’ll...
Pirate
Ninja Vampire Spaceman: Cut! CUT! That was wrong. All WRONG! Bill, you
came in too early! Hey! I need someone to fix this suit so the tentacles
don’t get in the way of the robot legs! Jack! The lights are too dim on
that shot!
Pirate Ninja Vampire Spaceman: Laura, sweetie are you OK? I hope you didn’t get hurt.
Busty McSpacegirl: Stop touching my breasts! I swear to god, this movie better make me a star or my agent is gonna sue the fu...
Horny
Man: Ohhh, it looks like our director has bitten off more than he can
chew. This just isn’t good. It looks like his film might fall all to
pieces. He’s losing control of his set, his story is getting away from
him and it looks like he’s going to be facing a sexual harassment
lawsuit. As you might surmise, this movie isn’t going to come out well.
Let’s just skip ahead to see what happens on opening night.
Credits
are rolling on a screen in a darkened theater. A badly produced rock
song, strongly featuring both the bass guitar and the kazoo attacks the
audience from every speaker in the room. The house lights come up, and
the disoriented and pale audience members shakily rise to their
feet.
Audience Member 1: What the hell did I just watch? That movie didn’t make any sense!
Audience
Member 2: That wasn’t a movie. It’s like someone vomited images into my
eyes and infected my brain with... with... stuff that brains get
infected with.
Audience Member 3:...
Audience Member 1: Are you alright man?
Audience Member 3:(whispers) I can no longer believe in a just and merciful god.
A
demon in a pinstripe suit throws open the double doors of the theater
and points a black taloned hand at the director sitting in the front
row.
Demon in a pinstripe suit: THERE! That is the man responsible for this abomination! GET HIM!
Audience Member 1: Yeah! Grab that guy!
Audience Member 2: Don’t let him get away.
Audience Member 3: (curls into a ball and whispers) Oh death... where is thy sting?
Demon in a pinstripe suit: GET HIM! RIP HIS FACE OFF! FRY IT WITH SOME SHALLOTS AND MAKE A PAN SAUCE OUT OF HIS CHEEK FAT!!!
Audience Member 1: Yeah! Cut his face off!
Audience Member 2: Yeah! Wait, what?
The audience surrounds the director and attacks!
Director: Help me! Someone! HEEEELLLP!!!
The
Horny Man walks back on screen. A spot of red skin on his cheek
disappears as he dabs at it with a handkerchief.
Horny
Man: Ahhh... what a pity. If only the young director had some help
making his movie, perhaps things wouldn’t have turned out so badly.
Well, let’s give him another chance, shall we? Now we will go back in...
Horny Man: Oh, excuse me! Let us travel back in time and see what might have been if our young director had some help.
Pirate Ninja Vampire Spaceman: You’ll never know the secret magic of the ancient ninjas! Now let the girl go!
The camera pans roughly to a someone wearing a squid costume with robot legs.
Robot Alien Squid Zombie: I will learn your secrets if I eat your braaaaiiins! Now...
The
actor in the squid costume trips over one of the suit’s tentacles and
lands on a scantily clad woman with large... eyes.
Busty McSpacegirl: Get off me! That hurt! Do you know how much these implants cost? If you pop one of these, I’ll...
Pirate
Ninja Vampire Spaceman: Cut! CUT! That was wrong. All WRONG! Bill, you
came in too early! Hey! I need someone to fix this suit so the tentacles
don’t get in the way of the robot legs! Jack! The lights are too dim on
that shot!
Co-writer: OK, Steve? Steve! Wait. I think we need to talk about some issues here.
Pirate Ninja Vampire Spaceman Steve: Issues? We’re in the middle of filming! Can’t this wait until we wrap?
Co-writer: No, Steve, I don’t think it can.
Producer: Yeah, we’ve been talking and... well I didn’t want to say this but your movie su...
Co-writer: We think you might have been overreaching. Right?
Producer: Oh. Yeah. Overreaching. That’s... accurate. I guess.
Pirate
Ninja Vampire Spaceman Director Steve: What do you mean “overreaching?”
Look this is my vision. People will really identify with these
characters, and I think we’re on the way to having the next great
breakout film!
Co-writer:
Steve, your main character is a ninja vampire from space who becomes an
Earth pirate to save his intended space prey from being sodomized by an
undead tentacle alien who also seeks the ancient powers of ninja arts
by ingesting his brains.
Busty McSpacegirl: You bruised my nipple! You JERK!
Producer: Lenny, can you get some ice for our space girl?
Lenny: Right away boss!
Pirate
Ninja Vampire Spaceman Director Steve: But, this is an epic story... I
mean... how could you possibly have a character that’s cooler than a
vampire pirate space ninja? Wait! What if he’s a ghost?
Co-writer: No, Steve... see, this is what I’m talking about here. It’s too much.
Producer: It also costs too much.
Co-writer:
Yeah, but what I’m trying to get at is that it’s just too much for one
character. Maybe... maybe if we just limit it to just two things. Okay?
Producer: Like a ninja spaceman.
Co-writer:
Or... OR! How about a vampire pirate? Think about it, we could have him
on a ghost ship... that way it only comes out at night. And we wouldn’t
have to worry about having the crew expose him to sunlight.
Vampire
Pirate Steve: Yeah. Yeah, that does sound good. But can the female lead
still be from space? And what about the tentacle zombie overlord from
the cyborg universe?
Robot Alien Squid Zombie: Actually I could use a piss.
Producer: Someone help Mick out of the suit please.
Robot Alien Squid Zombie: (waves tentacles excitedly) Oh sweet lord, thank you!
Co-writer: Well, I don’t think we can keep the space girl, but the zombie tentacle overlord could be an ancient evil squid god.
Vampire
Pirate Director Steve: OK. OK, that could work. I think I could live
with that. And... what if instead of a space girl, she was also ghost?
Co-writer: Yes. Yes, you’re catching on. A ghost fits the theme a lot better.
Producer: There is one more thing.
Vampire Pirate Director Steve: What? What’s wrong now?
Co-writer: Ah. Well. Steve. We, ah...
Producer: We’re gonna replace you as the male lead.
Vampire Pirate Director Steve: WHAT?!
Co-writer:
Steve, steve! Listen! If you want to take charge of this film... really
take charge of it, you need to be on the other side of the camera.
Producer: Besides, you’re as ugly as sin and the worst actor I’ve ever seen.
Co-writer: SHUT UP TED!
Co-writer:
Look Steve, we talked to the casting director and we found someone who
we think will be much better suited to the part. He’s an actor in a local theater, he’s trained in fencing and he, well... he actually looks like a vampire.
Director Steve: But... this is MY movie.
Co-writer:
Yes. And it still is. But if you want people to be able to see what you
have in that great lumpy head of yours, then you need to be able to see
what they will see. In that chair.
The Co-writer points to the director’s chair.
Director
Steve: Yeah... yeah! I think I see what you mean now! All right, we’re
starting over tomorrow! Let’s get this movie made!
Star wipe to the Horny Man in the pinstripe suit.
Horny Man: Wasn’t that heartwarming? Let’s see how the audience reacts to the movie this time.
Credits
are rolling on a screen in a darkened theater. A decent but unoriginal
rock song accompanies the credits. The house lights come up, and the
audience members slowly rise to their feet.
Audience Member 1: Huh. That wasn’t that bad. I didn’t really like it, but I’ve seen worse.
Audience
Member 2: That was pretty awesome! That sword fight at the end with the
Vampire Pirate chopping all the tentacles off the monster! The blood! It
was great.
Audience Member 3: (quietly) Maybe I won’t kill myself today.
Audience Member 1: Did you say something?
Audience Member 3:What? Oh. Nothing. I’m fine... just. Fine.
A
demon in a pinstripe suit throws open the double doors of the theater
and points a black taloned hand at the director sitting in the front
row.
Demon in a pinstripe suit: THERE! That is the man responsible for this film! GET HIM!
Audience Member 1: Yeah! Grab that guy!
Audience Member 2: Don’t let him get away.
Audience Member 3: (curls into a ball and whispers) Why has the world gone mad?
Demon in a pinstripe suit: GET HIM! RIP HIS FACE OFF! FRY IT WITH SOME SHALLOTS AND MAKE A PAN SAUCE OUT OF HIS CHEEK FAT!!!
Audience Member 1: Yeah! Cut his face off!
Audience Member 2: Yeah! Wait, what?
The
audience surges for the director and attacks! The director shoves the
co-writer and the producer at the approaching angry mob and escapes
through the fire exit.
Co-writer: MY FACE! WHY, GOD? WHYYY?!
Producer: CURSE YOU STEVE! I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL!!!
Horny
Man: (cleaning blood from his spectacles) As you can see, it is a wise
director who makes use of his staff. Because of this our director can
spend the rest of his life proudly proclaiming that he made a good film.
Remember future directors... strive to make every film your best film
yet!
The camera closes in on the Horny Man’s face. The Horny Man’s eyes burn with a slight red glow.
Horny Demon: You never know when it will be your last.
The End.
The
cookies are ready Sporefans! Did you enjoy the film? Can you see now
why Apodacaing a movie comes with great risk? So now you know why Emil
Hyde is a much better director than he first appears to be. He could
have offended his audience, but in the end he really did “save face”!
Wait where are you going?
Oh, come on that pun wasn’t that bad! You haven’t even tried one of the cookies yet!
What kind of cookies? I dunno, I just found some cookie dough in the fridge. Let me try one. They’re... um...
You know what? Don’t eat those.
Before
you turn your back on this amazing opportunity Sporefans, I’m asking
you to give The Landlord a try. I know some other
movies may have more polish and fresher paint, but The
Landlord showcases a lot of people who have real potential in
the film business. Here, take this free copy of the movie. Or you could
just watch it on Netflix.
Hang on, my cell is going off. Let me just see who it is.
“From
Hell.” I think I need to take this Sporefans. Look, here’s an
application for the apartment and don’t forget to watch The
Landlord. Now, if you’ll excuse me...
Hello?
Yes. No, I don’t think they’re going to take the apartment. Well why
did you even hire me in the first place? I’m a movie reviewer, not a
realtor. I don’t even know the first thing about renting out apartments!
Well
you try finding someone who wants to rent an apartment that drips blood
from the walls every Tuesday. Yes. Yes, that IS a problem for most
people.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. No, I’m keeping the advance. You signed the contract. In blood
as I recall. Well I don’t care whose blood it was, it’s still legally
valid. No. Well you go pick out a lawyer, I’m sure you know a few
thousand of them.
What? Well you can take this job and go to He...
Still here Sporefans? Well if you’re going to stick around, why not watch this trailer for The Landlord?
