Their new site is here:
http://www.Nerdocalypse.com
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!!!
First, let me welcome you back to the tome. You’ve probably noticed the shiny new changes. There will be some formatting problems with old posts, but I think you’ll like the new look.
Also, I have some music for you. Go ahead. Play it.
So here’s the deal; with no classes in the way I have until September to write whatever I choose. I have to admit that I have been writing this last semester. As some of you already know, I’ve been cheating on my readers with fiction. I’m sorry, but fiction is just soooo much better in the sack than movie reviews. You should see this thing fiction does with it’s elbows, I mean...
Um. Well... some things might be better left unsaid. There are probably children out there. Not reading this, but out there. Somewhere.
Today I’m outlining my new goals for the coming year. The first order of business is a new poll. The question is, “Should there be ads on the Spored_to_Death tome?” I’m sorry to say this, but being a freelance blogger who writes movie reviews doesn’t pay the bills. Or at all. However, the revenue generated from ads would probably not pay the bills either; but it might be enough to buy a stick of gum. Maybe I can save up for a Pez dispenser.
I’m not going to go crazy with the ads. They would just be banner ads, nothing that would pop up and obscure my wonderful text. That would defeat the point. You would have the option to click on them, or not to click on them. I’ll even see if I can target them to your tastes so you don’t get a bunch of ads for Viagra. Unless you want a bunch of ads for Viagra. Anyway, the poll is as follows, and believe it or not I will abide by the result of it.
Go ahead Sporefans, take my pole. Oh wait, I didn’t mean it like that!
...or did I?
Secondly, many of you are probably wondering how you can obtain some of my wonderful fiction. Some of you would also probably wonder how to stop obtaining my wonderful fiction. Apparently I disturb some of my friends and proof readers. But as I get more compliments than I do complaints I’m going to start assembling my work and submit it for publication. There will be a volume of short stories and then later a novel. The first chapter of the novel got good reviews, so I’m gonna run with it.
If I can’t get a publisher to pick up my book, I’ll release it as an eBook on Lulu.com. I feel that Lulu has a less restrictive censorship policy than Amazon and I have a tendency to write in a very, um... Mamet-esqe diction. Or Tarantino-ese for your film buffs. If possible I’ll release it on multiple fronts, but I’m not editing out all the good stuff just to get a better spot on either a real or virtual bookshelf. Go big or go home.
Finally, I’d like to plug another blog that I’m doing part time work for. They don’t have a name yet, but right now they’re calling themselves the Untitled Nerdy Life Project. Nerdocalypse is in the lead for the official title, and when it gets up and running I’ll post a quick link (update: Oooh look; there it is). I’m doing short pieces on video games in education, video games as narrative and I might even expand to do video games in politics and in society.
I just finished a piece about an exploding chicken.
Their readers will become my readers, and hopefully my readers will become theirs. Just don’t forget to come back here when you’re done. Also its a great chance to see my write about something in a serious manner. I take my video game politics very, very seriously.
Finally, I just want to say that I take to heart the words of my first creative writing professor, “Butts in seats write stories.” My butt’s been in the seat, but for the last three years I’ve been writing for someone else. I keep getting these “grades” but they’re not paying the bills and they’re not satisfying my ego. And I have a rather large ego.
For the first time in a long time I can write what I want, where I want and how I want it! I hope you will all take some small measure of consolation in the fact that I have spent the last couple of years honing myself in my craft. The new reviews are coming, and I think that they’re going better than the old ones. After all, I’ve been spending a lot of time honing.
Up next: Sharktopus.
Also, I have some music for you. Go ahead. Play it.
Contrary to what you might think Sporefans, I am not dead. And I have not forgotten you. I’ve just been very busy with this “edumacation” thing. But that’s about to change. Not because I’ve graduated. Not because I quit. I’m just taking a little break from the book learnin’. I have become sooo very, very S.M.R.T. smart that I keep falling over from all the brains crammed into my head.
So here’s the deal; with no classes in the way I have until September to write whatever I choose. I have to admit that I have been writing this last semester. As some of you already know, I’ve been cheating on my readers with fiction. I’m sorry, but fiction is just soooo much better in the sack than movie reviews. You should see this thing fiction does with it’s elbows, I mean...
Um. Well... some things might be better left unsaid. There are probably children out there. Not reading this, but out there. Somewhere.
Today I’m outlining my new goals for the coming year. The first order of business is a new poll. The question is, “Should there be ads on the Spored_to_Death tome?” I’m sorry to say this, but being a freelance blogger who writes movie reviews doesn’t pay the bills. Or at all. However, the revenue generated from ads would probably not pay the bills either; but it might be enough to buy a stick of gum. Maybe I can save up for a Pez dispenser.
I’m not going to go crazy with the ads. They would just be banner ads, nothing that would pop up and obscure my wonderful text. That would defeat the point. You would have the option to click on them, or not to click on them. I’ll even see if I can target them to your tastes so you don’t get a bunch of ads for Viagra. Unless you want a bunch of ads for Viagra. Anyway, the poll is as follows, and believe it or not I will abide by the result of it.
Go ahead Sporefans, take my pole. Oh wait, I didn’t mean it like that!
...or did I?
Secondly, many of you are probably wondering how you can obtain some of my wonderful fiction. Some of you would also probably wonder how to stop obtaining my wonderful fiction. Apparently I disturb some of my friends and proof readers. But as I get more compliments than I do complaints I’m going to start assembling my work and submit it for publication. There will be a volume of short stories and then later a novel. The first chapter of the novel got good reviews, so I’m gonna run with it.
If I can’t get a publisher to pick up my book, I’ll release it as an eBook on Lulu.com. I feel that Lulu has a less restrictive censorship policy than Amazon and I have a tendency to write in a very, um... Mamet-esqe diction. Or Tarantino-ese for your film buffs. If possible I’ll release it on multiple fronts, but I’m not editing out all the good stuff just to get a better spot on either a real or virtual bookshelf. Go big or go home.
Finally, I’d like to plug another blog that I’m doing part time work for. They don’t have a name yet, but right now they’re calling themselves the Untitled Nerdy Life Project. Nerdocalypse is in the lead for the official title, and when it gets up and running I’ll post a quick link (update: Oooh look; there it is). I’m doing short pieces on video games in education, video games as narrative and I might even expand to do video games in politics and in society.
I just finished a piece about an exploding chicken.
Their readers will become my readers, and hopefully my readers will become theirs. Just don’t forget to come back here when you’re done. Also its a great chance to see my write about something in a serious manner. I take my video game politics very, very seriously.
Finally, I just want to say that I take to heart the words of my first creative writing professor, “Butts in seats write stories.” My butt’s been in the seat, but for the last three years I’ve been writing for someone else. I keep getting these “grades” but they’re not paying the bills and they’re not satisfying my ego. And I have a rather large ego.
For the first time in a long time I can write what I want, where I want and how I want it! I hope you will all take some small measure of consolation in the fact that I have spent the last couple of years honing myself in my craft. The new reviews are coming, and I think that they’re going better than the old ones. After all, I’ve been spending a lot of time honing.
Up next: Sharktopus.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
Yar! Welcome back ya salty Sporefans for a special sea worthy review. Today we'll be takin' a look at a mighty fine piece of sea farin' film as we review Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, a tale of two fearsome beasties battling over... well, they be just battlin'. To the DEATH!
This tale of terrible terror involves two creatures from the briny deep... if by the briny deep you be meanin' an iceberg, right ahead, where they been frozen since the time before time began. Or for a really long time, whichever be more impressive.
YAR!
Our tale begins in the ancient land of Alaska, where rumor has it if you stand atop certain houses you can see the head of the giant space monster Putin rearing back its gnarled head as it prepares to eat Tokyo; but that is a tale for another time matey. In this ancient land there was a sea faring lass named Emma MacNeil (played by Debbie Gibson. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. Yar.) On an expedition to see what lies under the sea Emma encounters two primordial beasties trapped in an iceberg, right ahead. Out of the Blue there be a government experiment involving sonar and possibly a bowl of petunias that causes some whales to go crazy and smash themselves into said iceberg, right ahead. The force of the frightened whales smashing their wee whale brains all over the giant iceberg, right ahead, causes the ice to crack and crash and releases the two terrible beasties who take flight into the high seas.
Yar! I thought we didn't allow adult content on this blog! Clearly there be something inappropriate goin' on with these here tentacles!
The terrible beasties go their separate ways, wreaking havoc over the high seas like pirates... wreaking.... uh... havoc over the high seas. Note to me-self, next time construct a metaphor with two unrelated things. Yar. To be sure, these be some massive creatures, and though I can try I have Only Words to describe them. The giant shark, also known as the terrible Megalodon leaps out of the briny deep and wraps its terrible Jaws around a passenger jet, tearing the flying tin Dutchman to pieces. Every man, woman and child aboard is then Lost.
Meanwhile, the octopus also known as... the octopus, destroys a sea faring oil derrick. It be like saying "Take that you inanimate platform what extracts oil from the seabed!", but with tentacles. Either that or In His Mind it resembled a giant crab, and the beastie was just hungry. Luckily in the world of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus there be no actual oil which then decimates the Gulf of Mexico. Hey matey, if there be one link you click on in this whole review, click on that last one. It be important.
After the eight legged sea demon feasts upon the giant steely crab of fossil fuel extraction he attracts the attention of a man from beyond the high seas; or more precisely Dr. Seiji Shimada from Japan (Vic Chao). No, he's not attracted to the beastie in that way ye land lubber! Get your head out of the port hole and stop trying to Shock Your Mama! As Dr. Shimada comes from a land plagued by giant creatures who regularly lay waste to their cities, he be a prime candidate to help MacNeil and her cohort Lamar, (Sean Lawler) an on again, off again Irishman. Watch as his accent be slipping the whole movie. This be especially sad because Mr. Lawler actually hails from the emerald isle.
And now I be telling you the tale of many a men eaten by sharks. No, not the tale relayed by Quint in the movie Jaws; another, different tale. For in this tale, there be a lot less of things. For one thing, there be only one shark; but it be a big one! For another thing, there be only one set of instrument panels on any ship in the U.S. Navy, but they be movin' them about to make it look different for a submarine or a battleship or any other type of ship in the fleet. Also, there be some guys who stand about fiddlin' with the knobs that do nothing, mostly to make it look like the knobs be not there for show... provided they actually bother to touch the knobs. This be a mighty fine way to steer a ship... in the Eyes of a Child! Too bad it makes it hard to steer away from the giant shark that devours your ship and crew whole. Yar!
Oh god, the mega shark is attacking! Quick, turn some dials!
As the terrible sea beasties destroy mankind one ship at a time doctors Shimada and MacNeil get to work on a solution to destroy the monsters. While the doctors perform science-type actions with the colored liquids in the ships labs Lamar falls victim to the sandman. Left to their own scientific devices MacNeil and Shimada get to work on a Red Hot experiment in the ship's closet... also conveniently full of dials and knobs. Yar-har-har! Apparently there be plenty of things to twist and turn on the high seas!
After the doctors finish making a model of a giant octopus trapped in a sea chest MacNeil has an epiphany. She comes up with the idea to create pheromones for giant sea beasties, creatures that haven't been alive for millions of years, to lure them away from populated areas. This be accomplished in a matter of seconds by pouring one liquid into another and in true Sci-Fi style the briny juice glows bright green. Its unclear whether the scienctists want to make the creatures fight to the death or get it on, but in this world Anything is Possible.
And that's how glow sticks were invented.
This So-Called Miracle however, fails to keep the creatures from attacking Tokyo and San Fransisco. The on site soap opera sta, er... government representative Allan Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas) suggests going nuclear on these titanic krakens, but the good doctors remember their Godzilla cannon. Aye there be only one way to rid yourself of a giant beastie, and nuclear weapons ain't it. You must make said giant beastie fight yet another giant beasite.... to the DEATH!
NOM NOM NOM!!!
Arr, ain't this be where the movie started? It be obvious to most of us matey that this would be the outcome of the film, given away by havin' the word "versus" in the title. Naturally the viewer would be feelin' ripped off if they got to the end of the film and there be no fight between said giant octopus and mega shark.
"But," you ask, "be this film worth watching?" Initially I'd be sayin' no, but given the scope of other movies I've seen of the course of me many a-years, I Didn't Have the Heart to completely sink this movie. Like light beer, this movie will make you crave the real thing, and by real thing I mean the good ol' fashioned giant monster movies of not so ancient Japan. Still, this movie be havin' some great scenes of giant beasties eatin' things. If ye can get past the problems with the scale of the beasties being out of whack in the movie, the bad acting, the bad writing, the terrible special effects and the absolutely horrible set design... and matey, I mean horrible; then, after all that there might be something worth watching.
Let me put it to you this way Sporefans, when you be done with Megashark versus Giant Octopus you should be askin' yerself but one question: "Why is the rum gone?" Only when you can ask yerself, "How Can This Be? Why is the rum always gone?" will ye be able to appreciate this film. Or ye can just watch the trailer and see stuff get eaten without committing to makin' yer liver walk the plank. Yar.
Aye, if you listen real close you can hear the best line in the movie. Before you click that button, ask yeselves "What does bread do?" I think ye'll be able to spot it. And no, no more Debbie Gibson songs in me paragraphs. I be done with that. Yar.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Audition
Spored: Greetings Sporefans. I know I've been away for a while but I've come back after an exhausting semester to provide you with a great review. Joining me today is a special guest, a newcomer to the Spored to Death Tome, please welcome Ria.
Ria: Hi everyone! Hi! Hi!
Spored: You don't need to wave, this is going to be transcribed into text. No one will be able to see it.
Ria: Hey! You're no fun! I just wanted to give a shout out to all my friends. Hi guys!
Spored: In any event we have a fantastic film we're going to watch tonight. Say Ria, what kinds of movies do you like?
Ria: Well... I like romantic comedies. Movies where a guy and a girl meet and fall in love and its funny and romantic. Do you like romantic comedies?
Spored: No.
Ria: Why not? They're really funny. I go to the movies all the time with my friends and we watch them. Do you know Hugh Grant? He's really good.
Spored: That's highly debatable. Wait, do you even know what we do here? Do you know what kind of movies we watch?
Ria: No, why? Are they good movies? I'd like to watch something good. Maybe with Hugh Grant in it.
Spored: Umm... Well I do have a couple of good movies. By that standard I don't have anything with Hugh Grant in it. Do you like horror movies?
Ria: Ew! Horror movies are gross. I hate blood and guts and stuff.
Spored: Ria, why exactly did you want to help out with this review anyway?
Ria: Well you're famous right? You know famous people, so you must be famous too. I want to be famous. Hi everyone! In case you don't know me, I'm Ria! I go to school at...
Spored: Wait, so you want to help me in with one of my reviews, but you don't like horror movies and you only like romantic comedies.
Ria: And Hugh Grant.
Spored: And... (shudder) Hugh Grant.
Ria: Yup! So how many people do you think will see this review? Also, do you think I could get my own column? Ohhh! Do you think I could get a part in a movie? With Hugh Grant?
Spored: Well, lets just try to get through the review first.
Ria: Oh.... OK. So what are we going to watch? Please tell me you aren't planning on anything with zombies. I hate zombie movies! They're so scary!
Spored: Well, as you like romantic comedies I think I have the perfect movie for you. It a very romantic movie that I picked up a while ago but haven't reviewed yet. However, I should warn you that the movie is in Japanese. With subtitles of course.
Ria: Fantastic! I love foreign movies! What's the movie called? Is it funny too? Are there any guys who look like Hugh Grant in it?
Spored: No. There's no one who looks like Hugh Grant because the movie is from Japan and all the actors and actresses are Japanese. And the movie is called, hmmm... lets see here...
Spored: Audition.
Ria: Oh, so its a movie about a play? Or is it a movie about a movie?
Spored: Uh, yeah.... something like that.
Ria: Oh boy!
Spored: Well lets watch. For those of you who don't like spoilers, you should probably watch this movie first. I'll give it the official Spored to Death approval, for what that's worth. Its definitely a film worth watching. For the rest of you who either don't care or have seen this movie already, read on.
Spored: For those of you reading from home Audition is about a man named Shigeharu Aoyama (played by Ryo Ishibashi) who loses his wife to a disease. After years of living alone with his son Shigehiko (played by Tetsu Sawaki), Shigeharu finally decides to start dating again.
Ria: Oh that's so sad. His wife is dead and he had to raise his son on his own. I hope he finds true love.
Spored: Umm... what about his wife?
Ria: Huh? But she's dead!
Spored: (sigh) Nevermind. Not being an outgoing guy Shigeharu turns to his friend Yasuhisa Yoshikawa (played by Jun Kunimora), a film producer for help. Yoshikawa decides to hold an audition for a movie, albeit a movie that will never get made. Shigeharu can then ask the potential actresses questions and follow up with the one he likes best.
Ria: That's not really fair. What about the girls? They wanted to be in a movie! What about their dreams? What if one of the girls wanted to be in the movie so she could meet Hugh Grant?
Shigeharu and Yoshikawa hatch a plan.
Spored: Well its very devious, but they explain that there are plenty of casting calls for movies that never make production; so they'll just play it off as a movie that flopped in studio.
Ria: That doesn't sound very romantic. That Shiggy-hairy guy looks like a creep to me.
Spored: Shigeharu.
Ria: Bless you.
Spored:...
My name is Asami and I'm not crazy. I don't cut people up and torture them. Also I like other stuff that doesn't have to do with cutting people up. Like... Uh...
Spored: Anyway, during the auditions Shigeharu meets a girl named Asami Yamazaki (played by Eihi Shiina) and becomes infatuated with her.
Ria: Yay! They're gonna be so happy together! I can totally tell just by looking at them. Look, they're out on a date! Look, look!
Spored: Yes I can see. Anyway, as the movie goes on Shigeharu falls in love with Asami, but his friend Yoshikawa becomes suspicious of Asami because none of her references check out.
Ria: Hey Spored... why is there a bag in that room?
She's waiting by the phone. Waiting for Shigeharu to call her up and tell her she's not alone. But she's obviously not alone, she has that creepy bag to keep her company.
Spored: Huh? Oh, the room where Asami is listening to the ringing telephone? That's her apartment. Why do you think the bag is there?
Ria: Its kind of a nasty looking bag. It can't be for laundry. Is it garbage? But its in the middle of the room.
Spored: Well....
Ria: Oh my god, it MOVED! What type of movie is this?
Spored: Hey look, she's talking to him on the phone. See, its romantic. Its just what you wanted, right?
Ria: Something about this is creepy! I don't like this movie anymore.
Spored: You're over-reacting. Nothing is wrong. Look, they're going away on a vacation. See, they're happy. See, Asami wants Shigeharu to "love only him."
Shigeharu and Asami meet for drinks and discuss their goals in life. Like... well, you'll see.
Ria: Something about this still seems wrong.
Spored: Keep watching. Give the movie another chance. You'll see, everything turns out OK. Oh look, Asami has gone missing and Shigeharu is looking for her.
Ria: Missing? Does it have to do with that creepy bag? Is it a bag monster? Did she get eaten?
Spored: No, she doesn't get eaten by the bag. Its more like a mystery. There's even a murder with extra body parts, so its like a murder mystery.
Due to the graphic nature of this movie we can't show you exactly what happens in this scene. In place of a still from the movie we have simulated the effects usimg a sleeping kitteh and some zombie parts. Enjoy!
Ria: Extra body parts? Murder? I thought this was a romantic comedy.
Spored: I thought I told you I don't like romantic comedies.
Ria: But you said this movie was romantic!
Spored: Yes. But I never said it was a comedy.
Ria: What kind of movie is this? I don't like this anymore Spored. And I certainly don't like you.
Spored: You're missing the movie! Watch. See? Shigeharu has tracked down Asami's old ballet teacher (played by Renji Ishibashi). He's trying to find Asami. That means he loves her, so its romantic.
Ria: Well... I guess you have go through many trials for true love. Even if it means hanging out with some creepy old man in a wheel chair. I guess you have to hang out with creeps sometimes to meet your true love. Do you think Hugh Grant reads your column?
Spored: Its a blog, actually. And no, I don't think he does.
Ria: That sucks. Hey wait! That old man is hurting a little girl. Is that supposed to be young Asami? That's terrible! No wonder she's so strange! Poor Asami!
Spored: Yes, I believe that is Asami. But keep watching. Shigeharu continues to look for Asami, but can't find her. Yoshikawa tries to dissuade him, but Shigeharu is determined to find her. Oh look! Asami has found the ballet teacher. Do you think they'll have a warm reunion?
Ria: But he hurt her. He's a bad man! And creepy! Just like you Spored.
Spored: Yes, I suppose I am a little creepy.
Ria: Why would you admit that? You're so weird.
Spored: Oh hey. What's that thing Asami has? It looks like some sort of piano wire with a handle on each end.
Ria: Why is she wrapping the wire around his neck? Spored?!
Spored: Well you see, she's...
Ria: OH MY GOD! THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!
Spored: For those of you reading this at home, I don't want to spoil too much, but I will give you three words that will sum up what just transpired.
Spored: Piano.
Spored: Wire.
Spored: Decapitation.
Due to the graphic nature of this scene we can not show you anything. Seriously, there's no way we can show you what just happened. Its just not gonna fly. Instead, have a picture of a cute sleeping kitteh.
Ria: I don't want to watch this movie anymore!
Spored: But if you don't watch the whole movie you can't be in the review.
Ria: What! Why not?
Spored: That's just the way it works. You can't review part of a movie. You have to watch the whole thing, no matter how bad the movie is. That's how we roll at Spored to Death Publishing.
Ria: But its so horrible! I feel sick.
Spored: Yeah. You get used to that.
Ria: This is terrible! Can't we watch something else?
Spored: Well the only alternatives I have for today all involve zombies or blood beasts.
Ria: What's a blood beast? Nevermind, I don't want to know. Hey! There's a guy in that bag! And he's missing his fingers!
Spored: And his feet. And his tongue.
Ria: Gross! Why doesn't he have feet?
Spored: Well obviously he's a chicken man.
Ria: That's not funny!
Spored: Yes it is. Come on, just watch the movie.
If you were looking for a picture of the chicken man, your chick out of luck. Man, that sucked. In the meantime, we have a suitable creative alternative to what happened to the missing pieces from the chicken man. Look how vicious that wild predator is!
Ria: Why did Shiggy-hairy just fall down? And why is the Asami wearing that leather apron? What's going on?
Spored: Well if you were paying attention you would have figured out that Asami drugged him and that she's a psychopath. Oh hey look, this is the part with the needles!
Ria: What needles? I don't like needles!
Spored: Those needles. I don't want to ruin too much for the Sporefans...
Ria: I'm going to be sick!!!
Spored: Hold on, I'll pause the movie for you.
Ria: I hate you!
Spored: Bathroom's down the hall.
Spored: While Ria is out of the room let me just say that Audition is truly a disturbing film. I regret that we did not post pictures of the horrific events at the end of the movie, but I felt that it would ruin the most shocking parts of this film for the people who want to watch it and haven't seen it yet. Also, my editor told me that it might be too graphic for some readers and suggested that we put up pictures of cute cats instead. Being a cat, my editor volunteered to be in the replacement pictures.
Spored to Death Publishing Editor in Chief: Meow.
Behold the most vicious of all furry predators! Its the editor in chief!
Spored: Isn't she adorable?
Ria: Is it over?
Spored: No, I paused the movie for you, remember?
Ria: I don't want to watch it anymore. I don't care if I don't get in the review. I've had enough.
Spored: And to think I spared you from some of the more horrible movies in my collection. Don't you want to be famous anymore? Don't you want to meet... oh, who was it now... don't tell me... was it Hugh Durrant?
Ria: No, it was Hugh Grant! And what do you mean you spared me? There are movies worse than this?
Spored: Well, they're no where near as violent... but until you've seen Half-Caste you don't know what real pain is.
Ria: Look I don't care about your stupid movies, I just...
Spored: Hey, can I lend you me a hand with this?
Ria: Huh? With what?
Spored: Oh wait, you don't have a hand to lend. But check out Audition, Shigeharu can lend me a foot.
Ria: Ahh! His foot! That's so gross!
Spored: See, there's only a few minutes left. Hey, what are you doing?
Ria: I've had it with your stupid review, and your stupid gross movies. You're just... just...
Spored: Stupid?
Ria: Yeah! Stupid! I'm leaving! And I never want to see another movie from you as long as I live!
Spored: I didn't make this movie. It was from a talented director named Takashi Miike.
Ria: Whatever! I'm leaving.
Spored: If that's the way you want it, go ahead. Here, I'll have one of my zombies show you out. NOM!
Ria: I don't want to hear any more of your stupid jokes Spored! There's no such thing as OH MY GOD A ZOMBIE!
This is Nom, our newest employee at Spored to Death Publishing. Nom has a bright future here at Spored to Death Publishing, chiefly because we pay him in brains. Keep an eye out for Nom in future reviews.
Nom: Brains?
Spored: Nom, please show the lady out.
Nom: Brains.
Ria: Get away from me! Holy crap! Get away from me you zombie bastard!
Nom: Brains?
Ria: Why won't this door open! Help! Open the door!
Spored: You're pushing it. You have to pull the door open. Here, let me help y...
Ria: Stay back! You're... you're... evil.
Spored: Well, yeah. Didn't you know that?
Ria: I never want to see you again. Being famous isn't worth having your brains eaten. Stay away from me, you zombie sympathizer.
Spored: But... I'm a fun guy. Get it? Fungi?
Ria: Oh god... and you make puns too!
Ria: You're the most terrible person I've ever met, you know that?
Spored: Thanks for stopping by! Hey, watch the stairs.
Spored:... Wow, I bet that hurt.
Spored: Well.... that went well, don't you think Nom?
Nom: (nods) Brains.
Spored: Well Sporefans, tune in again for our next review. I've got a very special guest review from Blackcloud in the works. For once she made me sit through a terrible movie. Tune in next time, same fungal time, same fungal channel.
Nom: Brains.
Spored: Oh yeah, its a blog not a channel. Thank you Nom.
Nom: Brains.
And now for your viewing pleasure, the trailer to Audition. Also, for those not faint of heart, check out the clip of the movie. Yes, that clip. Not safe for work. Warning! This clip will pretty much ruin the movie for you, but as I know some of you won't bother watching the movie in total, I'm giving you the option to see what all the fuss is about. Use it at your own risk. Also, for some reason its in German.
Ria: Hi everyone! Hi! Hi!
Spored: You don't need to wave, this is going to be transcribed into text. No one will be able to see it.
Ria: Hey! You're no fun! I just wanted to give a shout out to all my friends. Hi guys!
Spored: In any event we have a fantastic film we're going to watch tonight. Say Ria, what kinds of movies do you like?
Ria: Well... I like romantic comedies. Movies where a guy and a girl meet and fall in love and its funny and romantic. Do you like romantic comedies?
Spored: No.
Ria: Why not? They're really funny. I go to the movies all the time with my friends and we watch them. Do you know Hugh Grant? He's really good.
Spored: That's highly debatable. Wait, do you even know what we do here? Do you know what kind of movies we watch?
Ria: No, why? Are they good movies? I'd like to watch something good. Maybe with Hugh Grant in it.
Spored: Umm... Well I do have a couple of good movies. By that standard I don't have anything with Hugh Grant in it. Do you like horror movies?
Ria: Ew! Horror movies are gross. I hate blood and guts and stuff.
Spored: Ria, why exactly did you want to help out with this review anyway?
Ria: Well you're famous right? You know famous people, so you must be famous too. I want to be famous. Hi everyone! In case you don't know me, I'm Ria! I go to school at...
Spored: Wait, so you want to help me in with one of my reviews, but you don't like horror movies and you only like romantic comedies.
Ria: And Hugh Grant.
Spored: And... (shudder) Hugh Grant.
Ria: Yup! So how many people do you think will see this review? Also, do you think I could get my own column? Ohhh! Do you think I could get a part in a movie? With Hugh Grant?
Spored: Well, lets just try to get through the review first.
Ria: Oh.... OK. So what are we going to watch? Please tell me you aren't planning on anything with zombies. I hate zombie movies! They're so scary!
Spored: Well, as you like romantic comedies I think I have the perfect movie for you. It a very romantic movie that I picked up a while ago but haven't reviewed yet. However, I should warn you that the movie is in Japanese. With subtitles of course.
Ria: Fantastic! I love foreign movies! What's the movie called? Is it funny too? Are there any guys who look like Hugh Grant in it?
Spored: No. There's no one who looks like Hugh Grant because the movie is from Japan and all the actors and actresses are Japanese. And the movie is called, hmmm... lets see here...
Spored: Audition.
Ria: Oh, so its a movie about a play? Or is it a movie about a movie?
Spored: Uh, yeah.... something like that.
Ria: Oh boy!
Spored: Well lets watch. For those of you who don't like spoilers, you should probably watch this movie first. I'll give it the official Spored to Death approval, for what that's worth. Its definitely a film worth watching. For the rest of you who either don't care or have seen this movie already, read on.
Spored: For those of you reading from home Audition is about a man named Shigeharu Aoyama (played by Ryo Ishibashi) who loses his wife to a disease. After years of living alone with his son Shigehiko (played by Tetsu Sawaki), Shigeharu finally decides to start dating again.
Ria: Oh that's so sad. His wife is dead and he had to raise his son on his own. I hope he finds true love.
Spored: Umm... what about his wife?
Ria: Huh? But she's dead!
Spored: (sigh) Nevermind. Not being an outgoing guy Shigeharu turns to his friend Yasuhisa Yoshikawa (played by Jun Kunimora), a film producer for help. Yoshikawa decides to hold an audition for a movie, albeit a movie that will never get made. Shigeharu can then ask the potential actresses questions and follow up with the one he likes best.
Ria: That's not really fair. What about the girls? They wanted to be in a movie! What about their dreams? What if one of the girls wanted to be in the movie so she could meet Hugh Grant?
Shigeharu and Yoshikawa hatch a plan.
Spored: Well its very devious, but they explain that there are plenty of casting calls for movies that never make production; so they'll just play it off as a movie that flopped in studio.
Ria: That doesn't sound very romantic. That Shiggy-hairy guy looks like a creep to me.
Spored: Shigeharu.
Ria: Bless you.
Spored:...
My name is Asami and I'm not crazy. I don't cut people up and torture them. Also I like other stuff that doesn't have to do with cutting people up. Like... Uh...
Spored: Anyway, during the auditions Shigeharu meets a girl named Asami Yamazaki (played by Eihi Shiina) and becomes infatuated with her.
Ria: Yay! They're gonna be so happy together! I can totally tell just by looking at them. Look, they're out on a date! Look, look!
Spored: Yes I can see. Anyway, as the movie goes on Shigeharu falls in love with Asami, but his friend Yoshikawa becomes suspicious of Asami because none of her references check out.
Ria: Hey Spored... why is there a bag in that room?
She's waiting by the phone. Waiting for Shigeharu to call her up and tell her she's not alone. But she's obviously not alone, she has that creepy bag to keep her company.
Spored: Huh? Oh, the room where Asami is listening to the ringing telephone? That's her apartment. Why do you think the bag is there?
Ria: Its kind of a nasty looking bag. It can't be for laundry. Is it garbage? But its in the middle of the room.
Spored: Well....
Ria: Oh my god, it MOVED! What type of movie is this?
Spored: Hey look, she's talking to him on the phone. See, its romantic. Its just what you wanted, right?
Ria: Something about this is creepy! I don't like this movie anymore.
Spored: You're over-reacting. Nothing is wrong. Look, they're going away on a vacation. See, they're happy. See, Asami wants Shigeharu to "love only him."
Shigeharu and Asami meet for drinks and discuss their goals in life. Like... well, you'll see.
Ria: Something about this still seems wrong.
Spored: Keep watching. Give the movie another chance. You'll see, everything turns out OK. Oh look, Asami has gone missing and Shigeharu is looking for her.
Ria: Missing? Does it have to do with that creepy bag? Is it a bag monster? Did she get eaten?
Spored: No, she doesn't get eaten by the bag. Its more like a mystery. There's even a murder with extra body parts, so its like a murder mystery.
Due to the graphic nature of this movie we can't show you exactly what happens in this scene. In place of a still from the movie we have simulated the effects usimg a sleeping kitteh and some zombie parts. Enjoy!
Ria: Extra body parts? Murder? I thought this was a romantic comedy.
Spored: I thought I told you I don't like romantic comedies.
Ria: But you said this movie was romantic!
Spored: Yes. But I never said it was a comedy.
Ria: What kind of movie is this? I don't like this anymore Spored. And I certainly don't like you.
Spored: You're missing the movie! Watch. See? Shigeharu has tracked down Asami's old ballet teacher (played by Renji Ishibashi). He's trying to find Asami. That means he loves her, so its romantic.
Ria: Well... I guess you have go through many trials for true love. Even if it means hanging out with some creepy old man in a wheel chair. I guess you have to hang out with creeps sometimes to meet your true love. Do you think Hugh Grant reads your column?
Spored: Its a blog, actually. And no, I don't think he does.
Ria: That sucks. Hey wait! That old man is hurting a little girl. Is that supposed to be young Asami? That's terrible! No wonder she's so strange! Poor Asami!
Spored: Yes, I believe that is Asami. But keep watching. Shigeharu continues to look for Asami, but can't find her. Yoshikawa tries to dissuade him, but Shigeharu is determined to find her. Oh look! Asami has found the ballet teacher. Do you think they'll have a warm reunion?
Ria: But he hurt her. He's a bad man! And creepy! Just like you Spored.
Spored: Yes, I suppose I am a little creepy.
Ria: Why would you admit that? You're so weird.
Spored: Oh hey. What's that thing Asami has? It looks like some sort of piano wire with a handle on each end.
Ria: Why is she wrapping the wire around his neck? Spored?!
Spored: Well you see, she's...
Ria: OH MY GOD! THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!
Spored: For those of you reading this at home, I don't want to spoil too much, but I will give you three words that will sum up what just transpired.
Spored: Piano.
Spored: Wire.
Spored: Decapitation.
Due to the graphic nature of this scene we can not show you anything. Seriously, there's no way we can show you what just happened. Its just not gonna fly. Instead, have a picture of a cute sleeping kitteh.
Ria: I don't want to watch this movie anymore!
Spored: But if you don't watch the whole movie you can't be in the review.
Ria: What! Why not?
Spored: That's just the way it works. You can't review part of a movie. You have to watch the whole thing, no matter how bad the movie is. That's how we roll at Spored to Death Publishing.
Ria: But its so horrible! I feel sick.
Spored: Yeah. You get used to that.
Ria: This is terrible! Can't we watch something else?
Spored: Well the only alternatives I have for today all involve zombies or blood beasts.
Ria: What's a blood beast? Nevermind, I don't want to know. Hey! There's a guy in that bag! And he's missing his fingers!
Spored: And his feet. And his tongue.
Ria: Gross! Why doesn't he have feet?
Spored: Well obviously he's a chicken man.
Ria: That's not funny!
Spored: Yes it is. Come on, just watch the movie.
If you were looking for a picture of the chicken man, your chick out of luck. Man, that sucked. In the meantime, we have a suitable creative alternative to what happened to the missing pieces from the chicken man. Look how vicious that wild predator is!
Ria: Why did Shiggy-hairy just fall down? And why is the Asami wearing that leather apron? What's going on?
Spored: Well if you were paying attention you would have figured out that Asami drugged him and that she's a psychopath. Oh hey look, this is the part with the needles!
Ria: What needles? I don't like needles!
Spored: Those needles. I don't want to ruin too much for the Sporefans...
Ria: I'm going to be sick!!!
Spored: Hold on, I'll pause the movie for you.
Ria: I hate you!
Spored: Bathroom's down the hall.
Spored: While Ria is out of the room let me just say that Audition is truly a disturbing film. I regret that we did not post pictures of the horrific events at the end of the movie, but I felt that it would ruin the most shocking parts of this film for the people who want to watch it and haven't seen it yet. Also, my editor told me that it might be too graphic for some readers and suggested that we put up pictures of cute cats instead. Being a cat, my editor volunteered to be in the replacement pictures.
Spored to Death Publishing Editor in Chief: Meow.
Behold the most vicious of all furry predators! Its the editor in chief!
Spored: Isn't she adorable?
Ria: Is it over?
Spored: No, I paused the movie for you, remember?
Ria: I don't want to watch it anymore. I don't care if I don't get in the review. I've had enough.
Spored: And to think I spared you from some of the more horrible movies in my collection. Don't you want to be famous anymore? Don't you want to meet... oh, who was it now... don't tell me... was it Hugh Durrant?
Ria: No, it was Hugh Grant! And what do you mean you spared me? There are movies worse than this?
Spored: Well, they're no where near as violent... but until you've seen Half-Caste you don't know what real pain is.
Ria: Look I don't care about your stupid movies, I just...
Spored: Hey, can I lend you me a hand with this?
Ria: Huh? With what?
Spored: Oh wait, you don't have a hand to lend. But check out Audition, Shigeharu can lend me a foot.
Ria: Ahh! His foot! That's so gross!
Spored: See, there's only a few minutes left. Hey, what are you doing?
Ria: I've had it with your stupid review, and your stupid gross movies. You're just... just...
Spored: Stupid?
Ria: Yeah! Stupid! I'm leaving! And I never want to see another movie from you as long as I live!
Spored: I didn't make this movie. It was from a talented director named Takashi Miike.
Ria: Whatever! I'm leaving.
Spored: If that's the way you want it, go ahead. Here, I'll have one of my zombies show you out. NOM!
Ria: I don't want to hear any more of your stupid jokes Spored! There's no such thing as OH MY GOD A ZOMBIE!
This is Nom, our newest employee at Spored to Death Publishing. Nom has a bright future here at Spored to Death Publishing, chiefly because we pay him in brains. Keep an eye out for Nom in future reviews.
Nom: Brains?
Spored: Nom, please show the lady out.
Nom: Brains.
Ria: Get away from me! Holy crap! Get away from me you zombie bastard!
Nom: Brains?
Ria: Why won't this door open! Help! Open the door!
Spored: You're pushing it. You have to pull the door open. Here, let me help y...
Ria: Stay back! You're... you're... evil.
Spored: Well, yeah. Didn't you know that?
Ria: I never want to see you again. Being famous isn't worth having your brains eaten. Stay away from me, you zombie sympathizer.
Spored: But... I'm a fun guy. Get it? Fungi?
Ria: Oh god... and you make puns too!
Ria: You're the most terrible person I've ever met, you know that?
Spored: Thanks for stopping by! Hey, watch the stairs.
Spored:... Wow, I bet that hurt.
Spored: Well.... that went well, don't you think Nom?
Nom: (nods) Brains.
Spored: Well Sporefans, tune in again for our next review. I've got a very special guest review from Blackcloud in the works. For once she made me sit through a terrible movie. Tune in next time, same fungal time, same fungal channel.
Nom: Brains.
Spored: Oh yeah, its a blog not a channel. Thank you Nom.
Nom: Brains.
And now for your viewing pleasure, the trailer to Audition. Also, for those not faint of heart, check out the clip of the movie. Yes, that clip. Not safe for work. Warning! This clip will pretty much ruin the movie for you, but as I know some of you won't bother watching the movie in total, I'm giving you the option to see what all the fuss is about. Use it at your own risk. Also, for some reason its in German.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)