The Box

What’s in The Box, Sporefans? What’s in The Box?

Nothing good. Not even Frank Langella can save this movie.

As a new rule of thumb I’m going to try and avoid revealing too much about the plots of movies unless its necessary to point out the badness that lies within them. In this case I really need to address something badly thought out in The Box that I can’t do without revealing parts of the plot. If you’re interested in seeing The Box and you don’t trust my evaluation of this movie then stop reading.

But you’re gonna be disappointed. It’ll be like opening up a present in shiny wrapping paper and getting socks.

Ugly wool socks.

That itch.

And they have fleas.

And they’re on fire.

Well they’d both have to be on fire. It’s not like the fire would single out either the socks or the fleas. Fire’s kind of greedy that way.

Still here? Good.

The premise of this movie is that Cameron Diaz and James Marsden receive a box from a stranger with a big red button on it. If they press the button they will receive one-million dollars, tax free; but some one that they don’t know dies. If they don’t press the button, nothing happens. Afterwards Frank Langella takes the box and gives it to some other random person whom Diaz and Marsden don’t know. Come to think of it, there's something awfully familiar about this whole premise.

Well, I do like money... they're probably bad people, right?

I’ll ruin it for you: they press the button.

Of course, after they get their million dollars, bad things start to happen to them. Then weird, ambiguous things start to happen to them. Then some really bad things start to happen to them.

Let's try this again... what have I got in my hand? No, you have to hit the button to answer; use the button!

Now here’s where the holes start to fall out of the plot cheese. Frank Langella is an alien. Also, his character in The Box is an alien, but a much crappier one. In a very Saw-like manner Langella’s character explains to a random skippy, whose job is to be the random skippy who listens to explanations; that the box is a test and that by pushing the button the people are failing the moral choice set up by the Langellien’s alien masters.

It’s also important to know that the Langellien can also control people’s minds, but it’s easy to spot the people who’s minds have been taken over because they all get nose bleeds. Either that or there was a hell of a lot of coke being done at NASA in 1976.

I'm too sexy for this shirt, too sexy for this shirt, so sexy it huuuurts!

Why is this important? Because before Diaz and Marsden get a big steaming square left on their doorstep, people with nose bleeds start to make their lives miserable. For example, Diaz’s character gets fired from her job as a teacher and then the principle gets a nose bleed. Marsden, similarly, looses his chance to become an astronaut via letter, written by someone you never see but who probably had a Kleenex shoved up his or her nose. So you could make the argument that neither of them would have pushed the button if the Langelliens didn’t interfere in their lives in the first place.

Oh, but wait! There’s more!

In the conclusion to this Saw/Arrival hybrid the Langellien makes Diaz and Marsden’s son blind and deaf. Marsden is faced with a choice: kill his wife or let their son live in darkness for the rest of his life. While all of this is going on, somewhere else, some people that Diaz and Marsden don’t know are looking at a box with a big red button on it.

...but they decide not to waste $12.99 at Spencers.

I’ll ruin it for you: they press the button. It’s as surprising in the film as it is here in print. And at exactly the same moment...

Flowers pop out of Marsden’s gun! Marsden and Diaz get free tickets to Hall and Oates, their kid gets his sight back and they all go to the concert on a flying unicorn. The Langelliens come to Earth and spread peace and love and give us the key to eternal life and happiness for all. Then everyone has cake.

Nah, I’m just messing with you. She dies.

I'm calling from SyFy pictures. Ms. Diaz, we heard that you were in this movie and wanted to let you know that we look forward to working with you in the near future.

Hello? Hello?

This is what passes for clever in Richard Kelly’s movie about a big red button. Let’s skip over the improbability of aliens timing the button press to the precise moment Marsden shoots Diaz in the heart. What about free will? What if Marsden said “no” when the other couple pushed the button? And what of the morality of the Langellien who blinds and deafens an innocent child to make a man murder his own wife? And what other terrible choices do the Langelliens foist upon the unsuspecting masses?

“Eat this puppy or I’ll kill this kitten.”

“Chop off your hand or I'll have your eyes shot out with lasers.”

“Jump off this twelve story building or swim with hungry piranhas.”

“Cream or sugar, but not both!!!”

Let's face it boxy... we're not good for each other. No, don't look at me like that. No. You knew what this was! Shhh! Keep it down or Marsden will hear you!

Then again I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I didn’t recognise who Richard Kelly was until someone pointed out that he directed Donny Darko. I’ve never seen Donny Darko, but I’ve heard two people say the following about the movie.

“Yeah, it was good. I liked it.”

“It made me want to gouge out my eyes and vomit until I could un-remember having ever heard of the damned film. I wanted to volunteer for a lobotomy just so I could be spared the pain and suffering of having ever heard of Donny Darko. It made me doubt the benevolence of God and of justice in a moral and civilized society.”

Let's face it people, this movie sucks. And no amount of psychotropic wallpaper will distract anyone from that fact. No, that's not the interior of an alien spacecraft,it's their dining room.

So I decided to skip Donny Darko... for now. But a bigger question here is, why didn’t I know who directed this film until I got to the credits? There has been a rash of what I’d like to call ambush directorials lately; where you watch a movie, realize that you hate it and then in the credits you find out who directed it and say “Aw crap, is that why that films sucked! No wonder!” It’s almost as if they’re embarrassed to put their name on their work. Like it was some big, square steaming pile waiting on your doorstep for you to step on.

One final note: The box was empty.

And just in case you still feel like it, here's the trailer for The Box. If you watch the trailer, you can pretty much skip the movie.

Sharktopus

Last time on the tome we did a review for Mega Shark VS. Giant Octopus where I told you all, Sporefans, that the Shark and the Octopus fought to the death in the briny deep.

Well I was wrong. Very, very wrong. They weren’t fighting. They were doing that thing that your parents were doing when you walked in on them late one night and you didn’t knock and they told you that they were wrestling. 

Naked.

It must have been all that Debbie Gibson music.

One year later, SyFy released the movie Sharktopus! Half shark, half octopus, the Sharktopus stalks the tattered remains of Eric Roberts' career and feeds upon its entrails. Obviously the sharktopus wanted to eat only the Best of the Best.

Sharktopus: The snack that eats you back!

I’m just kidding. Eric Robert’s career is doing just as well as it has since the early nineties. The Sharktopus didn’t really eat it after all; it’s all done with smoke and mirrors. It’s not like Robert’s has sunk to the level of Daniel Baldwin, whose name still sends shudders up the spines of actors fallen upon bad times everywhere.

In fact, Sharktopus is a very watchable movie. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s a good movie, but it’s a fun movie and definitely one you can drink to. And it didn’t kill Eric Robert’s career, although his character did die a grisly death.

How can I claim that a movie about a half-shark half octopus is worth watching? It’s easy if you know what to look for.

No, but a girl in a bikini is a good guess.

Eric Roberts is having fun.

In fact, all of the actors in Sharktopus are having a good time. You can tell by the fact that they’re not retching every time they say their lines, as is the case with many SyFy films. I guess Declan O’Brien learned that the best way to up the palatability of his movies is to play up the camp; something he might have picked up from Roger Corman who has a small appearance in Sharktopus as a guy who doesn’t get eaten. He does something else in the movie that I forgot about since I looked at the cover art for this film; something about products or something. Anyway, Sharktopus clearly prefers to eat girls in skimpy bikinis.

Although on occasion Sharktopus will get busy with a boat.

Gotta say, my favorite part is when Sharktopus climbs out of the water on its tentacles to come after some people on the beach. I hear he’s Big in Japan, for some strange reason.

Don't worry! Sharktopus just wants to give you a big hug because your cameraman just got eaten by... um...

Watching Declan O’Brien redeem himself from his past terrible movie fills me with some sort of positive feeling. Not hope, because that’s too strong a word and has already been appropriated by modern politics... more like nostalgia. Now that I’m thinking about it John “is that gasoline I smell” Polito was in that other movie by O’Brien that I reviewed. And come to think of it, John “is that gasoline I smell” Polito was also in The Crow. So in the spirit of linking unrelated things I’m going to appropriate and parody a small poem that appeared in The Crow to wrap up this review.

Apparently it was originally from Paradise Lost by Milton, who is some writer or something. I dunno.

Avast the mushroom stood,

and saw how awesome foulness was,

and saw Virtue in a tentacled shark who ate people;

saw, and watched it again on his DVR.

Keep your eyes peeled for other "something" vs. "something" movies on Syfy. It looks like they’re trying to pick up the ToHo mantle.


I was going to add the official trailer at the end here, but this one's much better. I think cormaniac2010 clearly demonstrates that Sharktopus is just a misunderstood protector of the environment. With teeth. And tentacles.

Nerdocalypse update

Their new site is here:



http://www.Nerdocalypse.com

RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!!!

First, let me welcome you back to the tome. You’ve probably noticed the shiny new changes. There will be some formatting problems with old posts, but I think you’ll like the new look.


Also, I have some music for you. Go ahead. Play it.

 

Contrary to what you might think Sporefans, I am not dead. And I have not forgotten you. I’ve just been very busy with this “edumacation” thing. But that’s about to change. Not because I’ve graduated. Not because I quit. I’m just taking a little break from the book learnin’. I have become sooo very, very S.M.R.T. smart that I keep falling over from all the brains crammed into my head.

So here’s the deal; with no classes in the way I have until September to write whatever I choose. I have to admit that I have  been writing this last semester. As some of you already know, I’ve been cheating on my readers with fiction. I’m sorry, but fiction is just soooo much better in the sack than movie reviews. You should see this thing fiction does with it’s elbows, I mean...


Um. Well... some things might be better left unsaid. There are probably children out there. Not reading this, but out there. Somewhere.


Today I’m outlining my new goals for the coming year. The first order of business is a new poll. The question is, “Should there be ads on the Spored_to_Death tome?” I’m sorry to say this, but being a freelance blogger who writes movie reviews doesn’t pay the bills. Or at all. However, the revenue generated from ads would probably not pay the bills either; but it might be enough to buy a stick of gum. Maybe I can save up for a Pez dispenser.


I’m not going to go crazy with the ads. They would just be banner ads, nothing that would pop up and obscure my wonderful text. That would defeat the point. You would have the option to click on them, or not to click on them. I’ll even see if I can target them to your tastes so you don’t get a bunch of ads for Viagra. Unless you want a bunch of ads for Viagra. Anyway, the poll is as follows, and believe it or not I will abide by the result of it.




Go ahead Sporefans, take my pole. Oh wait, I didn’t mean it like that!


...or did I?


Secondly, many of you are probably wondering how you can obtain some of my wonderful fiction. Some of you would also probably wonder how to stop obtaining my wonderful fiction. Apparently I disturb some of my friends and proof readers. But as I get more compliments than I do complaints I’m going to start assembling my work and submit it for publication. There will be a volume of short stories and then later a novel. The first chapter of the novel got good reviews, so I’m gonna run with it.


If I can’t get a publisher to pick up my book, I’ll release it as an eBook on Lulu.com. I feel that Lulu has a less restrictive censorship policy than Amazon and I have a tendency to write in a very, um... Mamet-esqe diction. Or Tarantino-ese for your film buffs. If possible I’ll release it on multiple fronts, but I’m not editing out all the good stuff just to get a better spot on either a real or virtual bookshelf. Go big or go home.


Finally, I’d like to plug another blog that I’m doing part time work for. They don’t have a name yet, but right now they’re calling themselves the Untitled Nerdy Life Project. Nerdocalypse is in the lead for the official title, and when it gets up and running I’ll post a quick link (update: Oooh look; there it is).  I’m doing short pieces on video games in education, video games as narrative and I might even expand to do video games in politics and in society.


I just finished a piece about an exploding chicken.


Their readers will become my readers, and hopefully my readers will become theirs. Just don’t forget to come back here when you’re done. Also its a great chance to see my write about something in a serious manner. I take my video game politics very, very seriously.


Finally, I just want to say that I take to heart the words of my first creative writing professor, “Butts in seats write stories.” My butt’s been in the seat, but for the last three years I’ve been writing for someone else. I keep getting these “grades” but they’re not paying the bills and they’re not satisfying my ego. And I have a rather large ego.


For the first time in a long time I can write what I want, where I want and how I want it! I hope you will all take some small measure of consolation in the fact that I have spent the last couple of years honing myself in my craft. The new reviews are coming, and I think that they’re going better than the old ones. After all, I’ve been spending a lot of time honing.


Up next: Sharktopus.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Yar! Welcome back ya salty Sporefans for a special sea worthy review. Today we'll be takin' a look at a mighty fine piece of sea farin' film as we review Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, a tale of two fearsome beasties battling over... well, they be just battlin'. To the DEATH!

This tale of terrible terror involves two creatures from the briny deep... if by the briny deep you be meanin' an iceberg, right ahead, where they been frozen since the time before time began. Or for a really long time, whichever be more impressive.

YAR!

Our tale begins in the ancient land of Alaska, where rumor has it if you stand atop certain houses you can see the head of the giant space monster Putin rearing back its gnarled head as it prepares to eat Tokyo; but that is a tale for another time matey. In this ancient land there was a sea faring lass named Emma MacNeil (played by Debbie Gibson. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. Yar.) On an expedition to see what lies under the sea Emma encounters two primordial beasties trapped in an iceberg, right ahead. Out of the Blue there be a government experiment involving sonar and possibly a bowl of petunias that causes some whales to go crazy and smash themselves into said iceberg, right ahead. The force of the frightened whales smashing their wee whale brains all over the giant iceberg, right ahead, causes the ice to crack and crash and releases the two terrible beasties who take flight into the high seas.

Yar! I thought we didn't allow adult content on this blog! Clearly there be something inappropriate goin' on with these here tentacles!

The terrible beasties go their separate ways, wreaking havoc over the high seas like pirates... wreaking.... uh... havoc over the high seas. Note to me-self, next time construct a metaphor with two unrelated things. Yar. To be sure, these be some massive creatures, and though I can try I have Only Words to describe them. The giant shark, also known as the terrible Megalodon leaps out of the briny deep and wraps its terrible Jaws around a passenger jet, tearing the flying tin Dutchman to pieces. Every man, woman and child aboard is then Lost.

Meanwhile, the octopus also known as... the octopus, destroys a sea faring oil derrick. It be like saying "Take that you inanimate platform what extracts oil from the seabed!", but with tentacles. Either that or In His Mind it resembled a giant crab, and the beastie was just hungry. Luckily in the world of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus there be no actual oil which then decimates the Gulf of Mexico. Hey matey, if there be one link you click on in this whole review, click on that last one. It be important.

After the eight legged sea demon feasts upon the giant steely crab of fossil fuel extraction he attracts the attention of a man from beyond the high seas; or more precisely Dr. Seiji Shimada from Japan (Vic Chao). No, he's not attracted to the beastie in that way ye land lubber! Get your head out of the port hole and stop trying to Shock Your Mama! As Dr. Shimada comes from a land plagued by giant creatures who regularly lay waste to their cities, he be a prime candidate to help MacNeil and her cohort Lamar, (Sean Lawler) an on again, off again Irishman. Watch as his accent be slipping the whole movie. This be especially sad because Mr. Lawler actually hails from the emerald isle.

And now I be telling you the tale of many a men eaten by sharks. No, not the tale relayed by Quint in the movie Jaws; another, different tale. For in this tale, there be a lot less of things. For one thing, there be only one shark; but it be a big one! For another thing, there be only one set of instrument panels on any ship in the U.S. Navy, but they be movin' them about to make it look different for a submarine or a battleship or any other type of ship in the fleet. Also, there be some guys who stand about fiddlin' with the knobs that do nothing, mostly to make it look like the knobs be not there for show... provided they actually bother to touch the knobs. This be a mighty fine way to steer a ship... in the Eyes of a Child! Too bad it makes it hard to steer away from the giant shark that devours your ship and crew whole. Yar!

Oh god, the mega shark is attacking! Quick, turn some dials!

As the terrible sea beasties destroy mankind one ship at a time doctors Shimada and MacNeil get to work on a solution to destroy the monsters. While the doctors perform science-type actions with the colored liquids in the ships labs Lamar falls victim to the sandman. Left to their own scientific devices MacNeil and Shimada get to work on a Red Hot experiment in the ship's closet... also conveniently full of dials and knobs. Yar-har-har! Apparently there be plenty of things to twist and turn on the high seas!

After the doctors finish making a model of a giant octopus trapped in a sea chest MacNeil has an epiphany. She comes up with the idea to create pheromones for giant sea beasties, creatures that haven't been alive for millions of years, to lure them away from populated areas. This be accomplished in a matter of seconds by pouring one liquid into another and in true Sci-Fi style the briny juice glows bright green. Its unclear whether the scienctists want to make the creatures fight to the death or get it on, but in this world Anything is Possible.

And that's how glow sticks were invented.

This So-Called Miracle however, fails to keep the creatures from attacking Tokyo and San Fransisco. The on site soap opera sta, er... government representative Allan Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas) suggests going nuclear on these titanic krakens, but the good doctors remember their Godzilla cannon. Aye there be only one way to rid yourself of a giant beastie, and nuclear weapons ain't it. You must make said giant beastie fight yet another giant beasite.... to the DEATH!

NOM NOM NOM!!!

Arr, ain't this be where the movie started? It be obvious to most of us matey that this would be the outcome of the film, given away by havin' the word "versus" in the title. Naturally the viewer would be feelin' ripped off if they got to the end of the film and there be no fight between said giant octopus and mega shark.

"But," you ask, "be this film worth watching?" Initially I'd be sayin' no, but given the scope of other movies I've seen of the course of me many a-years, I Didn't Have the Heart to completely sink this movie. Like light beer, this movie will make you crave the real thing, and by real thing I mean the good ol' fashioned giant monster movies of not so ancient Japan. Still, this movie be havin' some great scenes of giant beasties eatin' things. If ye can get past the problems with the scale of the beasties being out of whack in the movie, the bad acting, the bad writing, the terrible special effects and the absolutely horrible set design... and matey, I mean horrible; then, after all that there might be something worth watching.

Let me put it to you this way Sporefans, when you be done with Megashark versus Giant Octopus you should be askin' yerself but one question: "Why is the rum gone?" Only when you can ask yerself, "How Can This Be? Why is the rum always gone?" will ye be able to appreciate this film. Or ye can just watch the trailer and see stuff get eaten without committing to makin' yer liver walk the plank. Yar.

Aye, if you listen real close you can hear the best line in the movie. Before you click that button, ask yeselves "What does bread do?" I think ye'll be able to spot it. And no, no more Debbie Gibson songs in me paragraphs. I be done with that. Yar.

Audition

Spored: Greetings Sporefans. I know I've been away for a while but I've come back after an exhausting semester to provide you with a great review. Joining me today is a special guest, a newcomer to the Spored to Death Tome, please welcome Ria.

Ria: Hi everyone! Hi! Hi!

Spored: You don't need to wave, this is going to be transcribed into text. No one will be able to see it.

Ria: Hey! You're no fun! I just wanted to give a shout out to all my friends. Hi guys!

Spored: In any event we have a fantastic film we're going to watch tonight. Say Ria, what kinds of movies do you like?

Ria: Well... I like romantic comedies. Movies where a guy and a girl meet and fall in love and its funny and romantic. Do you like romantic comedies?

Spored: No.

Ria: Why not? They're really funny. I go to the movies all the time with my friends and we watch them. Do you know Hugh Grant? He's really good.

Spored: That's highly debatable. Wait, do you even know what we do here? Do you know what kind of movies we watch?

Ria: No, why? Are they good movies? I'd like to watch something good. Maybe with Hugh Grant in it.

Spored: Umm... Well I do have a couple of good movies. By that standard I don't have anything with Hugh Grant in it. Do you like horror movies?

Ria: Ew! Horror movies are gross. I hate blood and guts and stuff.

Spored: Ria, why exactly did you want to help out with this review anyway?

Ria: Well you're famous right? You know famous people, so you must be famous too. I want to be famous. Hi everyone! In case you don't know me, I'm Ria! I go to school at...

Spored: Wait, so you want to help me in with one of my reviews, but you don't like horror movies and you only like romantic comedies.

Ria: And Hugh Grant.

Spored: And... (shudder) Hugh Grant.

Ria: Yup! So how many people do you think will see this review? Also, do you think I could get my own column? Ohhh! Do you think I could get a part in a movie? With Hugh Grant?

Spored: Well, lets just try to get through the review first.

Ria: Oh.... OK. So what are we going to watch? Please tell me you aren't planning on anything with zombies. I hate zombie movies! They're so scary!

Spored: Well, as you like romantic comedies I think I have the perfect movie for you. It a very romantic movie that I picked up a while ago but haven't reviewed yet. However, I should warn you that the movie is in Japanese. With subtitles of course.

Ria: Fantastic! I love foreign movies! What's the movie called? Is it funny too? Are there any guys who look like Hugh Grant in it?

Spored: No. There's no one who looks like Hugh Grant because the movie is from Japan and all the actors and actresses are Japanese. And the movie is called, hmmm... lets see here...

Spored: Audition.
















Ria: Oh, so its a movie about a play? Or is it a movie about a movie?

Spored: Uh, yeah.... something like that.

Ria: Oh boy!

Spored: Well lets watch. For those of you who don't like spoilers, you should probably watch this movie first. I'll give it the official Spored to Death approval, for what that's worth. Its definitely a film worth watching. For the rest of you who either don't care or have seen this movie already, read on.

Spored: For those of you reading from home Audition is about a man named Shigeharu Aoyama (played by Ryo Ishibashi) who loses his wife to a disease. After years of living alone with his son Shigehiko (played by Tetsu Sawaki), Shigeharu finally decides to start dating again.

Ria: Oh that's so sad. His wife is dead and he had to raise his son on his own. I hope he finds true love.

Spored: Umm... what about his wife?

Ria: Huh? But she's dead!

Spored: (sigh) Nevermind. Not being an outgoing guy Shigeharu turns to his friend Yasuhisa Yoshikawa (played by Jun Kunimora), a film producer for help. Yoshikawa decides to hold an audition for a movie, albeit a movie that will never get made. Shigeharu can then ask the potential actresses questions and follow up with the one he likes best.

Ria: That's not really fair. What about the girls? They wanted to be in a movie! What about their dreams? What if one of the girls wanted to be in the movie so she could meet Hugh Grant?










Shigeharu and Yoshikawa hatch a plan.


Spored: Well its very devious, but they explain that there are plenty of casting calls for movies that never make production; so they'll just play it off as a movie that flopped in studio.

Ria: That doesn't sound very romantic. That Shiggy-hairy guy looks like a creep to me.

Spored: Shigeharu.

Ria: Bless you.

Spored:...










My name is Asami and I'm not crazy. I don't cut people up and torture them. Also I like other stuff that doesn't have to do with cutting people up. Like... Uh...


Spored: Anyway, during the auditions Shigeharu meets a girl named Asami Yamazaki (played by Eihi Shiina) and becomes infatuated with her.

Ria: Yay! They're gonna be so happy together! I can totally tell just by looking at them. Look, they're out on a date! Look, look!

Spored: Yes I can see. Anyway, as the movie goes on Shigeharu falls in love with Asami, but his friend Yoshikawa becomes suspicious of Asami because none of her references check out.

Ria: Hey Spored... why is there a bag in that room?










She's waiting by the phone. Waiting for Shigeharu to call her up and tell her she's not alone. But she's obviously not alone, she has that creepy bag to keep her company.


Spored: Huh? Oh, the room where Asami is listening to the ringing telephone? That's her apartment. Why do you think the bag is there?

Ria: Its kind of a nasty looking bag. It can't be for laundry. Is it garbage? But its in the middle of the room.

Spored: Well....

Ria: Oh my god, it MOVED! What type of movie is this?

Spored: Hey look, she's talking to him on the phone. See, its romantic. Its just what you wanted, right?

Ria: Something about this is creepy! I don't like this movie anymore.

Spored: You're over-reacting. Nothing is wrong. Look, they're going away on a vacation. See, they're happy. See, Asami wants Shigeharu to "love only him."











Shigeharu and Asami meet for drinks and discuss their goals in life. Like... well, you'll see.


Ria: Something about this still seems wrong.

Spored: Keep watching. Give the movie another chance. You'll see, everything turns out OK. Oh look, Asami has gone missing and Shigeharu is looking for her.

Ria: Missing? Does it have to do with that creepy bag? Is it a bag monster? Did she get eaten?

Spored: No, she doesn't get eaten by the bag. Its more like a mystery. There's even a murder with extra body parts, so its like a murder mystery.










Due to the graphic nature of this movie we can't show you exactly what happens in this scene. In place of a still from the movie we have simulated the effects usimg a sleeping kitteh and some zombie parts. Enjoy!


Ria: Extra body parts? Murder? I thought this was a romantic comedy.

Spored: I thought I told you I don't like romantic comedies.

Ria: But you said this movie was romantic!

Spored: Yes. But I never said it was a comedy.

Ria: What kind of movie is this? I don't like this anymore Spored. And I certainly don't like you.

Spored: You're missing the movie! Watch. See? Shigeharu has tracked down Asami's old ballet teacher (played by Renji Ishibashi). He's trying to find Asami. That means he loves her, so its romantic.

Ria: Well... I guess you have go through many trials for true love. Even if it means hanging out with some creepy old man in a wheel chair. I guess you have to hang out with creeps sometimes to meet your true love. Do you think Hugh Grant reads your column?

Spored: Its a blog, actually. And no, I don't think he does.

Ria: That sucks. Hey wait! That old man is hurting a little girl. Is that supposed to be young Asami? That's terrible! No wonder she's so strange! Poor Asami!

Spored: Yes, I believe that is Asami. But keep watching. Shigeharu continues to look for Asami, but can't find her. Yoshikawa tries to dissuade him, but Shigeharu is determined to find her. Oh look! Asami has found the ballet teacher. Do you think they'll have a warm reunion?

Ria: But he hurt her. He's a bad man! And creepy! Just like you Spored.

Spored: Yes, I suppose I am a little creepy.

Ria: Why would you admit that? You're so weird.

Spored: Oh hey. What's that thing Asami has? It looks like some sort of piano wire with a handle on each end.

Ria: Why is she wrapping the wire around his neck? Spored?!

Spored: Well you see, she's...

Ria: OH MY GOD! THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!

Spored: For those of you reading this at home, I don't want to spoil too much, but I will give you three words that will sum up what just transpired.

Spored: Piano.

Spored: Wire.

Spored: Decapitation.










Due to the graphic nature of this scene we can not show you anything. Seriously, there's no way we can show you what just happened. Its just not gonna fly. Instead, have a picture of a cute sleeping kitteh.


Ria: I don't want to watch this movie anymore!

Spored: But if you don't watch the whole movie you can't be in the review.

Ria: What! Why not?

Spored: That's just the way it works. You can't review part of a movie. You have to watch the whole thing, no matter how bad the movie is. That's how we roll at Spored to Death Publishing.

Ria: But its so horrible! I feel sick.

Spored: Yeah. You get used to that.

Ria: This is terrible! Can't we watch something else?

Spored: Well the only alternatives I have for today all involve zombies or blood beasts.

Ria: What's a blood beast? Nevermind, I don't want to know. Hey! There's a guy in that bag! And he's missing his fingers!

Spored: And his feet. And his tongue.

Ria: Gross! Why doesn't he have feet?

Spored: Well obviously he's a chicken man.

Ria: That's not funny!

Spored: Yes it is. Come on, just watch the movie.










If you were looking for a picture of the chicken man, your chick out of luck. Man, that sucked. In the meantime, we have a suitable creative alternative to what happened to the missing pieces from the chicken man. Look how vicious that wild predator is!


Ria: Why did Shiggy-hairy just fall down? And why is the Asami wearing that leather apron? What's going on?

Spored: Well if you were paying attention you would have figured out that Asami drugged him and that she's a psychopath. Oh hey look, this is the part with the needles!

Ria: What needles? I don't like needles!

Spored: Those needles. I don't want to ruin too much for the Sporefans...

Ria: I'm going to be sick!!!

Spored: Hold on, I'll pause the movie for you.

Ria: I hate you!

Spored: Bathroom's down the hall.

Spored: While Ria is out of the room let me just say that Audition is truly a disturbing film. I regret that we did not post pictures of the horrific events at the end of the movie, but I felt that it would ruin the most shocking parts of this film for the people who want to watch it and haven't seen it yet. Also, my editor told me that it might be too graphic for some readers and suggested that we put up pictures of cute cats instead. Being a cat, my editor volunteered to be in the replacement pictures.

Spored to Death Publishing Editor in Chief: Meow.










Behold the most vicious of all furry predators! Its the editor in chief!


Spored: Isn't she adorable?

Ria: Is it over?

Spored: No, I paused the movie for you, remember?

Ria: I don't want to watch it anymore. I don't care if I don't get in the review. I've had enough.

Spored: And to think I spared you from some of the more horrible movies in my collection. Don't you want to be famous anymore? Don't you want to meet... oh, who was it now... don't tell me... was it Hugh Durrant?

Ria: No, it was Hugh Grant! And what do you mean you spared me? There are movies worse than this?

Spored: Well, they're no where near as violent... but until you've seen Half-Caste you don't know what real pain is.

Ria: Look I don't care about your stupid movies, I just...

Spored: Hey, can I lend you me a hand with this?

Ria: Huh? With what?

Spored: Oh wait, you don't have a hand to lend. But check out Audition, Shigeharu can lend me a foot.

Ria: Ahh! His foot! That's so gross!

Spored: See, there's only a few minutes left. Hey, what are you doing?

Ria: I've had it with your stupid review, and your stupid gross movies. You're just... just...

Spored: Stupid?

Ria: Yeah! Stupid! I'm leaving! And I never want to see another movie from you as long as I live!

Spored: I didn't make this movie. It was from a talented director named Takashi Miike.

Ria: Whatever! I'm leaving.

Spored: If that's the way you want it, go ahead. Here, I'll have one of my zombies show you out. NOM!

Ria: I don't want to hear any more of your stupid jokes Spored! There's no such thing as OH MY GOD A ZOMBIE!











This is Nom, our newest employee at Spored to Death Publishing. Nom has a bright future here at Spored to Death Publishing, chiefly because we pay him in brains. Keep an eye out for Nom in future reviews.


Nom: Brains?

Spored: Nom, please show the lady out.

Nom: Brains.

Ria: Get away from me! Holy crap! Get away from me you zombie bastard!

Nom: Brains?

Ria: Why won't this door open! Help! Open the door!

Spored: You're pushing it. You have to pull the door open. Here, let me help y...

Ria: Stay back! You're... you're... evil.

Spored: Well, yeah. Didn't you know that?

Ria: I never want to see you again. Being famous isn't worth having your brains eaten. Stay away from me, you zombie sympathizer.

Spored: But... I'm a fun guy. Get it? Fungi?

Ria: Oh god... and you make puns too!

Ria: You're the most terrible person I've ever met, you know that?

Spored: Thanks for stopping by! Hey, watch the stairs.

Spored:... Wow, I bet that hurt.

Spored: Well.... that went well, don't you think Nom?

Nom: (nods) Brains.

Spored: Well Sporefans, tune in again for our next review. I've got a very special guest review from Blackcloud in the works. For once she made me sit through a terrible movie. Tune in next time, same fungal time, same fungal channel.

Nom: Brains.

Spored: Oh yeah, its a blog not a channel. Thank you Nom.

Nom: Brains.


And now for your viewing pleasure, the trailer to Audition. Also, for those not faint of heart, check out the clip of the movie. Yes, that clip. Not safe for work. Warning! This clip will pretty much ruin the movie for you, but as I know some of you won't bother watching the movie in total, I'm giving you the option to see what all the fuss is about. Use it at your own risk. Also, for some reason its in German.

The Manitou

Hello again Sporefans. I know I've been AWOL for a while, and I wish I had some exciting story for you about where I've been... but I've just been busy with school work. This week I have a guest review by Mr. Danger and in a short while I will have a new review up on the site. I'm not telling what the movie will be, but I think you'll enjoy it.

In some bad news, I've decided not to hold the Spored to Death awards this year because I've been busy and I haven't written that many reviews. In exchange for that I'll try and get a few reviews pumped out over the holiday season to make up for it. But for now please enjoy the following review of The Manitou.



The Manitou (1978)

Now we all have different interpretations of the term "classic". You may think of the word as a work that stands the test of time, rising above its peers. In my own interpretation, a movie featuring a Native American midget who started out as cancerous tumor on a woman’s back, fits this bill. Now that’s classic.














Even Turner Classic Movies agrees with me with its screening of the 1978 gem The Manitou directed by William Girdler. Now I know the only reason this was screened was because some intern was drunk at the channel and hit play by accident, but if viewed in fast forward to its completion and stopping at only the crazy scenes, you too may also come to appreciate or dare I say love the Manitou.






According to dictionary.com, a Manitou is a supernatural being that controls nature; a spirit, deity, or object that possesses supernatural power. That is what fortunate teller Harry Erskine is facing in this movie.

Karen Tandy seems to have a really nasty skin condition growing out of her back. I wipe some skin lotion on that sucker and call it day, but Tandy’s not that lucky. Enter Erskine, the Hell blazing John Constantine of this piece.

He knows something wrong with this broad because his other clients are speaking different languages and floating up and falling down stairs. Apparently, that’s no ordinary tumor but rather the reincarnation of a 400-year old medicine man growing out of this lady’s back.

If you were born in this fashion, you would want revenge too.










Erskine then recruits a Indian doctor, John Singing Rock, to bring logic to the events that are about to transpire.

Once the Manitou is born in the form of a 3 foot tall Indian and kills the doctors delivering him, he is encased by Singing Rock in a magical circle. This buys Erskine the time he needs to deal with this magical menace. Erskine and Singing Rock conclude that the Manitou is weak to the magic made by the white man. The Manitou attacks them with nature effects but somehow is weak to the typewriters they throw at him. If you play role playing video games, you know how this goes.

Singing Rock concludes that the Manitou is weak to white man magic….technology. So the remaining doctors fire up the hospital’s super computer, hoping that its energies will weaken our small bundle of Indian hate.

Erskine and Signing Rock return to the Manitou, who has now turned the hospital floor into a winter wonderland. He even froze his nurse to death in the process. This sets up the final battle between man and Manitou. Big man vs. little man. Outer space eyeball god vs. topless woman. Wait…what?

Tandy is revived by white man magic to fight a space god. Manitou is puzzled before blowing up, Signing Rock gets his Tobacco and we all good home happy. Classic!

And now here's the thrilling conclusion to The Manitou!

Belfry Beads Jewelry

Hey,

My friend over at Belfry Beads has set up a blog. Check out her work. Guys, buy something for that special girl in your life. Ladies, point to stuff and make your guy buy you something special.

As for the rest of you, well... reproducing via a cloud of spores means you never need to buy jewelry, but some of the stuff is pretty so why not at least take a look?

Remember the site:

http://belfrybeads.blogspot.com/

Executive Koala

Greetings Sporefans. You may have been wondering where I've been lately. I took a brief vacation and am now back in school with a vengeance. My vacation wasn't totally uncreative, and those of you who have a copy of the game Little Big Planet (check out this dinosaur level, one of my favorites) can take a look at the level I created while I was whiling away the hours sitting on my butt. Do a search for Death Kitchen and you should find a level created by Spored_to_Death. Check out those toasters! Of death!

In any event I wanted to pop in between reading novels and get a quick review done. By now most of you must have read the Otakon 2009 review. You have read it, haven't you?

You haven't? Why? Why hast thou forsaken me?

Go ahead and read it now. I'll wait.

See, that wasn't all that bad. Now on to the review. This next review is for a movie I picked up at Otakon. I know, I know; I said that I was going to review the movie about the killer elevator, but I need to watch that another time when I'm less inebriated. In the mean time we can take a look at Minoru Kawasaki's Koara kacho or Executive Koala in English.














This movie is about a koala who works in a pickle company. Yes, that's really what this movie is about; I'm not making this up. The koala's name is Tamura, and he starts the movie working to get the company to agree to import Korean kimchi because he believes there is a youth market for it in Japan. His boss, who happens to be a giant white rabbit, agrees to the idea.

Everything seems to be going well, until Tamura's girlfriend turns up dead. This is unfortunate enough, but it appears that Tamura's wife also died under mysterious circumstances years ago. Is the koala a victim of an elaborate plot, or a murderer with multiple personality disorder?

To find out the answer to this we went to the local zoo to interview some koalas. Unfortunately the intern we sent into the cage was ripped to bits by the koalas. Sadly the only thing that survived the encounter was a tape recorder that we had the foresight to place into a hard plastic box which we had strapped to our recently deceased intern before he went inside. Below is the transcript from that tape recorder, which contains the final words of Brad, our recently deceased intern.


Brad: Uhh... excuse me... little guy? Can I ask you a question.

*noises, sounds of leaves being eaten*

Brad: Hey. You're kinda cute. So... uh... have you seen the movie Executive koala? It's a movie about a talking koala. You can't talk can you?











Your suffering will be legendary, even in Australia!


At this point we should note that Brad really wasn't very bright.


Brad: Say, can I pet you? Its OK. Its OK. Look, I won't hurt you. See? Friend. Friend.

*shrill cry, followed by screaming*

Brad: OH SWEET JESUS, MY EYES! GET HIM OFF ME! MY EYES!!!


That's about all we got from the interview. Sadly we didn't really get much insight into the mind of Tamura, a man-sized walking, talking koala. But we did learn that real koalas are vicious little creatures that will rip out your eyes and urinate into your skull. And no, we're not just using a cliche, Brad literally had a skull full of koala pee. How will this help you understand the movie? Well it won't, but we had to do something with our intern... he was drinking too much of our free coffee... which isn't actually free by the way, I pay for it...

But I digress.











This will be the best review about a talking koala businessman ever!


Executive koala follows the Japanese school of absurdist humor, and during the course of the movie Tamura will be brainwashed, unbrainwashed, fight kung-fu style, go to prison, get beat up, buy convenience food from a talking frog and avenge his koala ancestors. If you're intimidated by this title you might want to skip Kawasaki's other films The Rug Cop (as in toupee) and The World Sinks Except Japan, but I should tell you that after Executive koala I'll be looking forward to these other titles.








See how hard the koala works for your amusement?


By the time we finished watching the movie the only thing The Damned and I wanted to do was watch it over again. Having developed a taste for Japanese absurdist humor over the years, I can tell you that Executive koala is eighty-five minutes of high-grade crazy goodness. However, I realize that this type of movie isn't for everyone. Its far more absurd than even Zebraman, and doesn't have the same child-like appeal of watching a zebra based superhero; but it does show that the Japanese have absurdist humor down to an art form.









He's not creepy at all!










...or a wife beater.


To sum it up, Executive koala is very much like kimchi, not everyone can eat it, but if you can you'll probably enjoy it.

And here, of course, is the trailer for Executive Koala. Enjoy!