Contest

Well, I was going to have a review up tonight, but Blogger seems to be having issues with uploading pictures, so it will be postponed until after the contest. I was going to start the contest next week and take the following two weekends off in honor of getting a year older and subsequently one year closer to the grave whose ebon maw yearns to feast upon my bones. No! Not my bones! Noooooo!!!!

Ahem.

Which brings me to this contest. "What contest?" you say? Well I haven't explained it yet. Stop being so impatient you whipper-snappers.

The following contest it open to all. Simply describe the most ridiculous and embarrassing way that you can think of to die. You may enter as many times as you want. If you're going to submit multiple entries, try and submit them in the same post, but there's no limit to how many times you can enter. Its just easier on my ancient eyes.

Also, if you don't have a Blogger account, just leave your usual screen name at the bottom of the comment. We'll try and figure out who's who and what's what at the end. All questions can be addressed to the official Spored to Death email account located in my profile. Hint, it's spored_to_death@hotmail.com . OK, so that's not a hint, I just told you the email. I'm bad at hints.

The contest will run until Friday, August 11th and I will pick the winner on August 12th.

Oh and to make you all think harder and to keep this clean, nothing above an "R" motion picture rating. Keep your filthy, filthy ideas to yourselves. I'll only put up with your filthy ideas, but I draw the line at filthy, filthy ideas. So no giant stone Incan phalluses raining down from the heavens and the like. I mean, think of the children who read these.

Because that's who I'll get to pick the winner. The children.

Anyway, there will be some sort of prize. I haven't determined the prize yet, but I'll think of some type of pittance. Maybe candy. Delicious, delicious candy. Or some type of pin or shirt or something. I don't know, I get to that part later. Maybe I'll tailor the prize to the winner, so if I don't like you I'll send you something bad. Like a package of pop rocks and some soda to snort.

And to get you all started, here's a small example:

"To be simultaniously strangled, electrocuted and trampled in a sheep shearing accident."

Now show the world how twisted you can be! And get off my damn lawn, you kids!

Don't look in the Basement!

Welcome back Spore fans. No doubt you can't wait for another exciting movie review. Either that, or you're just kind of bored and have nothing better to do. Either way, you're here, and I'm reviewing "Don't look in the Basement!", a classic hailing all the way back from 1973 (also known as "The Forgotten" and "Death Ward #13").





Let me tell you a little story about how I came across this movie. I was shopping in the local video store in the $10 or less aisle, when I noticed this 4 pack of movies. Doing some rough math in my head, then on paper, then with a solar powered calculator, a TI-84 graphing calculator and Excel, I found that the average value of each of these movies was roughly $681.93. Then I asked the clerk who said $2.50 for each movie.

"Two dollars and fifty cents for each movie?" I shouted, attracting the attention of everyone in the store. "Damn, these movies have got to absolutely suck! I'll take them!" So with my discounted cinema, I exited the store. OK, so I got thrown out for shouting, my point being that these were some cheap movies and I had no illusions about what I was getting into.




Dr. Why did you give that mental patient an axe? Also, you might want to move two feet to your left really soon.






Imagine my dismay when "Don't look in the Basement" actually turned out to be a pretty decent movie. Gah! That's not what I paid for! But alas, the money was already spent. That and the other movies in the set were pretty good.

Now when I see a title like "Don't look in the Basement", I'm expecting some horrible creature or zombie to be in said basement. But there is no supernatural force in this movie. Just a whole lot of crazy people. The movie is set in an old house that's being used as a new age (in the 70's anyway) sanitarium. Patients and doctors live together in harmony with no locks on the doors and no separation between inmates. So things are pretty peaceful, except for all the killing and maiming going on.



One of these two women are going to get naked in the movie. But which one? You'll have to watch it to find out!






Now there are some moments in "Basement" that are pretty bad and by proxy, memorable. My personal favorite is one scene where a man is beaten to death by a toy boat. But overall, its a pretty good and realistic movie.

Don't expect to see any big name actors or actresses in this one, as most of them went on to become extras in Logan's Run. Although, Hugh Feagin went on to such great shows as "Walker, Texan Ranger" (WARNING: Watching "Walker, Texas Ranger" may cause blood to leak from your eyes and cause permanent brain damage resulting in a loss of all logic and some motor skills). Another actor, Robert Dracup went on to become a gaffer. Rosie Holotik, the stereotypical sane, hot nurse surrounded by crazies went on to become an extra on a Perry Mason movie. See, Raymond Burr takes care of his fellow B-movie thespians (Bride of the Gorilla, anyone else see it? I thought not).




Hot and sane? What are the odds?!






So overall, this movie was a good deal. I strongly recommend it over, say, being lobotomized. Definitely a diamond in the rough. Unlike what I have in mind for next week. Tune in then to see how much worse things could be.

Automotive Memorial

In memory of my car, Lucky, who wasn't.

Sayonara pal.

Godzilla 2000

I have a confession to make. I'm a huge Godzilla fan. I love to watch Godzilla movies, and I can pretty much sit around all day watching them.

There is, of course, one exception to that rule. That wretched miscarriage starring Mathew Broderick. That abomination should have been aborted by the film company in the back seat of a 79' Chevy Nova in the studio parking lot with a rusty wire hanger. Luckily, I'm not going to review that vile sideshow freak of a movie born from the mind of Roland Emmerich. How could I after I saw this on imdb: "Roland Emmerich admitted that he did not like the original Godzilla movies - he only agreed to the project after being promised to be able to do what ever he wanted with the series." I'll leave his movie where it belongs, writhing in a pile of its own filth.

And Roland, if you're reading this: screw you.

Now I know what you're thinking. How can a movie that cost only $1 million be superior to a movie that cost $130 million? Doesn't more money mean a better movie?

No Virginia, it does not.

In any event, Godzilla 2000 is everything that a Godzilla movie should be (pay attention Rol, maybe you'll learn something). To wit: you have a guy in a rubber suit, stomping on Tokyo, breathing fire and fighting another guy in a rubber suit. Also, you get an insane military commander hell bent on destroying the King of the Monsters, aliens hell bent on eating Godzilla to absorb his powers, and product placement out the wazoo.



Time for a hug.







Godzilla isn't about fancy-scmancy CGI effects and big named actors. Godzilla is about simple struggles of good and evil, about the Japanese people being masochistically philosophical about a 400 ton nuclear monster that crushes their cities, and its about really bad amateur pro-wrestling. In the world of Godzilla, good always wins, humanity's hubris is punished, and construction companies make HUGE amounts of money rebuilding Japan.

Old school fans of Godzilla will notice that the big green guy is noticeably meaner looking now. The suit started changing with the start of the Heisei or VS series (starting with Godzilla 1984) of movies, presenting Godzilla as a bigger, meaner, actually frightening looking monster. Godzilla 2000, first of the "Millennium Series" takes the new look a step further, and for the first time in any of the movies, Godzilla is actually green.

With the new look comes a new attitude. Gone are the days were Godzilla is the lovable, goofy protector of Japan. The new Godzilla is here for one reason, and one reason only: To kick ass. Gone are the fights in barren wastelands. Now most of the battles take place in populated areas resulting in casualties. Monsters who used to just roar in agony and fall over after being hit with Godzilla's radioactive breath, now explode into flames and die horribly.

If you've never been a fan of giant monster movies, you'll probably never understand the joy of watching one of your favorite childhood memories adapt and succeed to the changing times. But something tells me that you might be a closet Godzilla fan. You don't want to admit it, but somewhere deep down inside, you like watching a man in a rubber suit stomp on finely crafted models. Late at night you when you claim that you're not tired, I know you're watching. Alone in the dark pre-dawn hours after every one else is safely and snugly tucked in to bed, you change the channel to watch the big green guy stomp mercilessly all over the small screen.

You know you do.
















And someday, you'll admit it.

Zardoz

For those of you who haven't seen Zardoz, its a movie about a post -apocalyptic future where humans are stratified into 3 classes: Poor slobs, killers, and immortal superhuman psychic hippies who live in domes under the control of a supercomputer. Confused? We haven't even started.

I mean, I didn't even talk about the floating head that spits guns out of its mouth.

But in order to really appreciate the... goodness of this movie, you have to take into account who stars in it. And that would be Sean Connery.

Somehow, when Mr. Connery accepts his award for lifetime achievement from the American Film Institute, I don't think they'll be showing clips from this movie. I could be wrong, but it doesn't look like his finest achievement.

So in honor of Mr. Connery's award, I decided that it would be a great idea to interview him. Sadly, Mr. Connery was unavailable to be interviewed by a meager blogger like myself. So I did the next best thing.

I found a Sean Connery impersonator.

Hopefully, through channeling the spirit of Connery and the heavy use of drugs, I got what I hoped were approximations of the answers that Sean Connery would give in an interview.

Also, in order to comply with Blogger's policies, I'm forced to remove all obscenities that were used in the interview. In their place you will find the words Spore, Spored or Sporing. I believe that all of my readers with their lovably filthy minds will be able to interpret which "colorful anecdote" was used. Plus I get to rip off the Smurfs.

So without further ado, here's my "interview" with "Mr. Connery".

SPORED TO DEATH: So “Mr. Connery”, how was your trip in?

"Mr. Connery": The accommodations were disastrous. I’m an important man Spore damn it and sending me on a flight that has a stop over in that city from hostel was unacceptable. But I did kill a man on my way here. He kept yammering on the plane, so I cut off his head and sucked out his powers. There can only be one you know!

SPORED TO DEATH: So we’re reviewing the movie “Zardoz”.

"Mr. Connery": What now?

SPORED TO DEATH: How do you feel about this movie?

"Mr. Connery":Oh right, the barbarian movie. Well it was chance to work with John Boorman. Now this guy directed Deliverance. That movie with Burt Reynolds, hicks and butt love, and I thought yes this movie can have all of that greatness and me. Which would make the greatness level rise to even greater levels.

SPORED TO DEATH: Why is that?

"Mr. Connery": Cause the opportunity was there. Barbarians + future world + Connery = greatness.

SPORED TO DEATH: So I hear you took this role because it was hard to find work after doing the James Bond films. Is that true?

"Mr. Connery": I was at the top of my game after James Bond. I was turning down roles left and right. Once, I said "I’m not doing this Spore" straight to a Warner brothers guys’ face. I then said "see ya suckers" and I shot out of the office with the rocket jet strapped to my back.

SPORED TO DEATH: So in one scene, you actually shoot the director, John Boorman, who’s portraying a farmer. How did that feel?

"Mr. Connery": The feel of really killing man is so awesome. When I do it on film it kind of makes up for not doing it for real, but not really.

SPORED TO DEATH: What about the floating head that spews out guns? What did you think of that? Y’know, "Zardoz" himself.

"Mr. Connery": What now? I was drunk at the time. But by the sound of that, the Boorman must have been wasted 24/7.

SPORED TO DEATH: What do you think of Zardoz’s philosophy of “The penis is bad, the gun is good”?

"Mr. Connery": I believe both are good for shooting. Particularly at women. P.S.: Me? Not gay.

SPORED TO DEATH: So what was your favorite scene in this movie? Was it the one where you impregnated 20 women while simultaneously absorbing all the knowledge of the human civilization through osmosis?

"Mr. Connery": I already have the knowledge. I just wanted to impregnate the 20 women. I wish Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass was one of them. P.S. Me? Not gay.

SPORED TO DEATH: You keep saying that. If that's true then why did you let them braid your chest hair?

"Mr. Connery": To make me look manlier. Which is an insane level of manliness.

SPORED TO DEATH: All right, moving on. So what about that line “Stay behind my aura!”?
"Mr. Connery": Was dubbed in post. Original line was stay behind my ass.

SPORED TO DEATH: If they were going to remake this movie, or make a sequel, would you be interested in playing the role of Arthur Frayn, better known as Zardoz?

"Mr. Connery": I rather play Sporing Aquaman Spore damn it! Dude talks to fish.

SPORED TO DEATH: Don’t you think that you’re a little too old to play Zed?

"Mr. Connery": Some say I can still play a 40 year old. The women still love me. Hell, the loincloth still fits.

SPORED TO DEATH: You kept the loincloth?

"Mr. Connery": I always try to keep some trinkets from these movies. From Entrapment I keep the laser beam Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass went under.




"Hell, the loincloth still fits." -"Mr. Connery"







SPORED TO DEATH: This movie has nothing to do with Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass. Why do you keep bringing it up?

"Mr. Connery": Trust me, that fine ass is something to be worshipped. Particularly when its going under a laser beam. Do you believe the ass should go under the laser beam? Or maybe a laser ass! Now that would be something! I'd just love to see that, wouldn't you?

SPORED TO DEATH: No, I wouldn't. I don’t believe in laser asses, or that they would be a good idea. What kind of a ridiculous question is that?

"Mr. Connery": Trying to think up ideas for my next bond movie. That Brosnan guy wimped out on them. I figure its only a matter of time before they come crawling back to me.

SPORED TO DEATH: Oh I get it. You mean asses in laser beams. Wait, what?

"Mr. Connery": Hmmmm……ass….laser beam. Yesss.....

SPORED TO DEATH: I think we should change the subject. This is getting a little out of hand. What would the children who read this blog think?

"Mr. Connery": The illiteracy rate is so high in American schools, I wouldn’t worry about young children reading anything. I mean, Hell, if I made some kind of mechano-mother with exploding nipples, and put up a big sign that said "DO NOT BREASTFEED! WARNING! EXPLOSIVE NIPPLES!", the little Sporing rats would do it anyway.

SPORED TO DEATH: What are you talking about? There’s no such thing as explosive nipples.

"Mr. Connery": Tell that to Goldfinger.

SPORED TO DEATH: (sigh) So in conclusion, would you recommend Zardoz as a movie for people to watch?

"Mr. Connery": If they can’t find Highlander 2: the Quickening at Blockbuster… Then yes.

SPORED TO DEATH: Why do you have a rubber duck in a sweater with you? Never mind. I really don’t want to know.

"Mr. Connery": It keeps me warm and sa…..fffffe.

Update

This week's post will be a little late, but it will be something special. Also, in the coming week's I hope to review the one movie I've never been able to get through. Actually, even I can't watch more than 15 minutes of it. But I'll get through it all, for you guys. Most of you know what movie I'm talking about. Don't spoil it for the rest of them.

Anyway, the coming review will be for the movie "Zardoz". Sorry for the delay.

Beast of the Yucca Flats

Today's movie is "The Beast of the Yucca Flats", starring Tor Johnson. This is a classic movie, full of Tor Johnson, the desert, a couple of policemen... some coyotes.

OK, so its a little sparse.

But it has Tor Johnson. So you have to watch it.

Tor plays a Russian scientist, defecting to the U.S. when an atomic blast turns him into: Tor Johnson, with some ripped clothes and a couple of small radiation burns. I think the picture on the left is actually touched up a bit, as Tor's make-up job is no where near this good in the actual movie.

One thing of note, this movie was filmed entirely without sound. The sound was dubbed in after filming, which would account for two incredibly obvious things. Number one is the lack of dialogue. The actors almost never have to speak aloud. This movie has less dialogue than a Rambo flick.

The second thing is the narration. You might think this was a nature movie from all the voice over work, but its not. Its an extreme low budget horror movie.

Now, to give you a taste of how the narration adds flavor to this flick, let me run off a few quotes for you.

"A man runs, someone shoots at him." -Narrator

"Touch a button. Things happen. A scientist becomes a beast." -Narrator

"Boys from the city. Not yet caught by the whirlwind of Progress. Feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs. " -Narrator

"Always on the prowl. Looking for something or somebody to kill. Quench the killer's thirst." -Narrator

See the pattern? With the exception of the first quote, which is a one-liner (Probably because its an action sequence and there wasn't need for more), each of these is a three sentence statement. You'd figure that with a movie lacking any real dialogue to move the story along, that the narrator might want to flesh things out a bit.

You know, with words.

But no, he keeps it short, concise. Kind of like Hemingway looking for the perfect sentence. As a matter of fact, I like it so much, I'm going to write the rest of this review in Beast of the Yucca Flats narration style (get ready for some pain, kids).

A movie. Someone moves onscreen. And something happens.

Tor Johnson. He's in a movie. And its not a good one.

The Beast. He kills people. By choking them.

Some random girl at home. She takes a shower. Nipple in the mirror.














Don't shower in a horror movie. Bad things happen. You get choked to death by Tor Johnson before you ever get a speaking line.

The Sheriff and his war buddy. Not too smart. Also probably gay.

Get in a plane. Look for a killer in the desert. With no ID and no clues.

Some guy with his wife and kids driving in the desert. Kids get out and run off. Leave them there.

Guy goes to look for his kids. Not what I would have done. Gets shot at by some guy in a plane.

See Tor walk. See Tor sleep. See Tor angry.




Tor finds a stick. Tor walks with a stick. Tor still angry.








So do you feel it? Feel the pain? The pain of this movie?

Can I stop now? Stop typing like this? Can I stop at all? Ever? Ha, fooled you. OK, so it loses a little in translation without moving pictures. But, given this ham handed editing job, you've got to hand it to Tor for making the movie watchable. Because he's the only reason it is.

Shameless Plug

Thanks to a shameless plug I posted on a bulletin board for Anima RO (See my links. Also why aren't you downloading and playing it right now?), I hope that my fan base will grow somewhat. You know, more than the like 3 or 4 people who read my reviews now.

Good God! I might get a fifth reader!

Anyway, as most people don't comment on my reviews, I really have no accurate way to tell if I'm entertaining or just posting into the ether. So this post is to get all you Spored_to_Death readers to introduce yourselves to everyone. And to give me a reason to keep watching and subjecting everyone to the filth I regularly watch.

Aw, hell. I'd subject everyone to it anyway. This is just an excuse to do it.

Also, this is a good opportunity to get people to suggest movies for me to review. I've got a few options for this week. I'll be viewing the new version of "The Hills have Eyes", but something tells me it won't be as bad as I'd like. I'm also thinking of reviewing "Pieces", Satan's School for Girls", "Horror Rises from the Tomb" and "Little Corey Gorey". We'll just have to see what my victims, er roommates feel like watching with me this weekend.

Starship Troopers 2 and the introduction of the Fecal Sequel

OK kids, its time for a lesson in sequels. Yup. Sit down and let your uncle Spore tell you about a bad movie, and how it changed my way of looking at the Hollywood phenomenon known as a "Sequel".

It all started when I saw this movie, "Starship Troopers". It wasn't a bad movie. It wasn't a great movie. It was OK. It starred that Casper Van Dien. You might remember him from Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness.

Well, after the movie Starship Troopers, someone must have come up to Casper and said, "Hey. Casper van Dien. You've just finished making the movie Starship Troopers. Wanna be in the sequel?"

At which point, Casper must have said "Hell no! I'm moving on to bigger and better things!"

(note: I'm making all this up. Practically as I go. I have no information about what might have transpired at the end of shooting Starship Troopers. I just have a healthy imagination and a blog. But you knew that already, didn't you?)

So, after that, someone did a bad thing. And I watched it. I watched it all. Then I drank until I couldn't feel feelings anymore.

And when I woke up, I thought about this and all the other stuff I watched, and I came up with this idea. You see, when a movie in Hollywood makes a lot of money, they make a sequel to it. Sometimes more than one. As the sequels are produced, they generally degrade in quality, like a photocopy. Sometimes, the sequels are planned and it works out. Other times the sequels are shot only because the first movie made a lot of money. Or even just some money. But when a movie is shot many years later for purely financial reasons, chances are that the sequels will degrade the quality of the product. No matter what that product is.

Sometimes its not so bad. And other times it really sucks.

But what if you have a movie that's not to bad, but then make a sequel that just bombs? Well, then you have a "Fecal Sequel". Yes kids, a Fecal Sequel is when you go from OK to poop in one movie. A movie so bad that it kills the entire franchise. No, it doesn't count if the first movie sucks. It has to be a sequel, and it has to kill it outright. Not a long slow painful death. It has to kill off a possible franchise in one blow.

So in conclusion, Starship Troopers 2 is a shining example of a Fecal Sequel. And I made that term up all by myself (how does one copyright a phrase?). But I will give Starship Troopers 2 one thing. It did one thing that made me happy, ever so briefly amidst the 2 hours of misery that I remember through an alcoholic haze. I got to see Kelly Carlson naked.

Slaughter Party

What is it with "the little people" lately? First, these guys go on vacation to Ireland and proffer promises of bringing us back dead leprechauns. Then, this other guy has a review about an Irish pro-wrestler and his leprechaun buddy who pops out from under the ring.

But I got them all beat.







Top that.












Last night I had a choice, between watching Slaughter Party and Hostel. I chose poorly, but only because I love all of you so very, very much. Little did I know that when I selected Slaughter Party for last night viewing that Mighty Mike Murga would be spending the next 76 minutes chasing around half naked women with a knife. Thank God for Troma films!

Like the evil monkey on Family Guy, Craig (played by Murga) doesn't start out evil. He's actually a pretty normal guy. He smokes a lot of weed, drinks and apparently likes to watch episodes of Lizzie McGuire... without any pants on.

But when a mad doctor (played by Ford Austin) kills (and eats) his friends and then forces himself upon Craig, well, you get this:






Snake has discovered the "Underwear" Camouflage and face paint.







After that, its all blood, screaming, and necrophilia. And lots of it. Sure there's some sort of plot mixed in there, but don't bother with it. Its full of the classic plot holes, time changes, girl gets really tan half way through the movie, teleporting midget, etc., etc...

But there are a few memorable scenes in this movie. Keep your eyes out for Ron Jeremy who has a fantastic scene. Also, there's a guy played by Seymore Butts (credited as Adam Glasser). So yeah, it looks like when you succeed in the porn industry you wind up in Troma films. Hopefully Jenna Jameson will sign on with them soon.

So if you decide to take it upon yourself to see Slaughter Party, make sure you get yourself good and drunk, otherwise you might remember watching most of this. Of course, if you don't like extreme gore you can always watch something else. Like Hostel.

Memorial Day

Sorry kids, no review this weekend. The madness has set in. I refer, of course, to this. So between that, moving a friend, and some car troubles, I didn't really get around to reviewing something this week.

OK, so it was mostly the Ragnarok Online. I encourage you all to join me on this game. But it would probably be better if you got the install files from me, or at least found the 0329 version (not the version they offer through the site, as its glitchy). You don't need a social life this Summer, do you? Join me in the addiction.

Also, apologies to the two cast members from "The Evil of Dr. Satanicus" who's picture didn't make the review. Sorry guys, the pic was in the first draft, but it just didn't jive in the final edit. So to make amends I'm adding said picture to this post.

Also, check out my new pic in the user profile.

The Evil of Dr. Satanicus

Ever wonder what it is that makes bad movies so desirable to watch? Is it the improvised props due to budget constrictions? Is it the bad dubbing? The sets that are sometimes barns and sometimes basements? The costumes that occasionally change every other shot? The plot, so full of holes that it makes swiss cheese look solid and sturdy by comparision?

Whatever it is that attracts us to these movies like moths to a red light in someone's doorway, beckoning us and scores of souless men to come hither and either burn to death in a red hot blaze or give some woman $20 for oral sex, this movie has it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, "The Evil of Dr. Satanicus".















Shot, chopped, and scored in New Brunswick, New Jersey, on a tight, tight budget (if any), "The Evil" is 42 minutes of solid gold entertainment. Yes, you heard me right, this movie rocks. And when you're finished watching the movie, you won't have herpes.

And the best part is, its free. Just click on the DivX link on the left. So you can watch the movie and still pay for oral sex from a cheap metaphorical prostitute.

The Evil of Dr. Satanicus is the tale of a couple who's marriage is on the rocks who head out to a local park, or forest (I'm actually not quite sure) trying to rekindle their marriage. But unfortunately for them, the only thing the park holds for them is Evil! Yes, horrible gobs of sticky wet evil, that when unleashed will forever mar the face of the world!

In the park, they encounter "Knuckles" and "Brains", the two hoods who work for Dr. Satanicus, a crazy old man, and eventually the good Dr. himself. Combine this cast of characters with sound effects stolen from old episodes of "Scooby-Doo", a score of stolen funk, and lines that almost never match up with the actor's lip movements, and you have yourself a movie.






Brains shows Knuckles who "runs barter town".







If you've read my previous review of "Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness" you'll note what I said about Coolio. I said (and I quote) "Coolio definitely shows that if you can’t act badly in a good movie, you can always act badly in a bad movie and look great by comparison." (Me.) This movie is an extension of that very basic idea. With no budget, one camera, a bad mike and some friends, these people put together a great bad movie. Mystery Science Theater would probably sell a kidney to get their hands on something like this. Either that or Tom Servo would have to put on that Red light tonight.

For example, here you have Barbara played by Anne Goldstein.








Barbara number 1.






And one scene later Barbara is played by Cia Bates.







Barbara number 2.






And then there's this:






Hmm.... I wonder what's inside it.







And if that wasn't enough for you, there's this scene where Dr. S tries to brainwash Barbara using a metal colander and a can opener. In a basement.






"Are you the dark lord Satan?"







Why do we like bad movies? Because they're bad. If we wanted to see a good movie, we'd put on our Sunday best and wander on down to the local theater with a date, shell out $20 on tickets, and watch a movie that reminds us of every other movie we've seen before in one shape or another. Afterwards there'd be some dinner, some uncomfortable making out in the back seat of a run down old station wagon which would ultimately wind up in some sort of argument/talk about all that serious relationship and waiting for marriage jazz, and an uncomfortable ride home leaving everyone feeling tense and unfullfilled.

But the bad movies break the mold. They present stories that haven't been rehashed over and over again by Hollywood's stock of monkeys chained to word processors, cutting and pasting bits and pieces until you have the next "Speed" or "Mission Impossible" sequel. There it is, trying new things. Bending and stretching, to unfold new ways of looking and thinking about things.

Yes children, bad movies put out.

And when it comes to bad movies, there are "good" bad movies and "bad" bad movies. This is one of the "good"ones. Why? Because it doesn't try to imitate Hollywood. It doesn't claim to be a groundbreaking, deep, powerful action/thriller with philosophical overtones (whoa). The "good" bad movie doesn't try to fit into the tight, constricting tube top that is the canon law of Hollywood. It's loose and untamed. Taking chances and breaking all the rules. It is exactly what it is.

And in this case it's a movie shot by a bunch of college kids, probably while high. It's funny, it's entertaining and at the end of the day, you get to keep your $20 for something a lot more worthwile.

Pizza.

What did you think I was talking about?







And who doesn't enjoy a good smoke after some great "pizza"?

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

I hear that a lot of people say nothing good comes from Canada. They forget about things like The Kids in the Hall, Raymond Burr, and a whole lot of professional wrestlers. But in my personal opinion, the greatest thing ever to be exported from Canada is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

Shot entirely on weekends over a two year period in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada; this movie tells the story of Jesus fighting against the forces of the undead... in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.

With Kung Fu.






Jesus is going to Kick your Ass!


Jesus is called upon by two very untraditional men of the clergy, both of whom are eaten and killed within the first 10 minutes of the movie. Afterwards, Christ finds direction from Father Eustace who informs Jesus that vampires have been attacking lesbians all over the city.

But the vampires aren't the only enemy that Jesus has to face. On his way back from the store to purchase wood for stakes, Jesus is attacked by a car full of Atheists. The film truly shines in the fight sequences, as Jesus knocks the Atheists silly in a slap-stick, Final Fight styled sequence.

Jesus will take your own shoe off and beat you with it, if you're an Atheist that is.






Afterwards, Jesus is accosted by Mary Magnum, who joins Jesus in his fight against the vampires. This is followed by a brief sequence where Jesus is introduced to the clothing of the 1970's and 80's in a Retro clothing store located somewhere in Ottawa in 2001. After donning the garb of the period (roughly) Jesus emerges from a changing stall looking a great deal more like the actor who portrays him in this film, Phil Caracas.


About 10 minutes after that, Mary Magnum is bitten by a vampire and turned. Poor Jesus.








Mary shows off the novelty salt and pepper shakers she found in a retro clothing shop. So cute and yet so very, very creepy at the same time.




Grieving, Jesus goes to the local diner to eat, where he receives a vision from God in the form of a bowl of ice cream and cherries. The divine dessert tells Jesus not to despair, as the Saint of the ring, Mexican wrestler Santos is flying in to help Jesus defeat the vampires. If you think that this plotline is implausible, when you see the giant man emerge from the tiny plane that they had for Santos' arrival, you'll believe in miracles again. Or just about anything for that matter.

Jesus, don't forget to call your Mother. It's Mother's day!






I won't spoil the ending for you, but there is a knock-down, drag-out fight between the vampires and Jesus' "El Savior" Christ. Of course, I've skipped over a lot. The part where Jesus is rescued by a transvestite. The evil doctor who skins lesbians and grafts their skin onto vampires. The entire musical number. But because I highly recommend watching this movie, I hope that you'll all go out and try to get a copy.

In fact, why are you still reading this review? Go get this movie. Now.

And to all of those people who put down Canada, go out and drink yourselves a big glass of "Shut the Hell up".

Stuart Gordon's Deathbed

Now I want to make one thing clear at the start of this review. This review is about Stuart Gordon's Deathbed, not Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. I only wish the movie I was about to review was about a bed that ate people. Sadly, this is not the case.

Stuart Gordon's Deathbed is about a couple who move into an old apartment building in Hollywood and find an old brass bed. The bed turns the wife from somewhat of a prude into, well, into this:







And its not even my birthday or anything.




So then the movie turns into about 70 minutes of intermittent soft core porn with a few scenes of plot. What's really amazing about all this soft core porn is that Tanya Dempsey, as seen above never shows her boobs!

Don't worry though, there are boobs in this movie. Here's one now:







It's Joe Estevez!




Don't worry, Joe Estevez plays the building superintendent, so you don't have to see him getting it on with Ms. Dempsey. Now that would be horror! But sadly, this movie is severely lacking in the horror department. There are a few horror elements, some pictures the wife sketches, a few flashbacks and a ghostly image on a few photos. This movie is seriously tepid in the horror department.

Things really start to come to a head in the last ten minutes of the movie when the couple decide to leave the cursed bed and their newly found sex life behind. Unfortunately, the husband possesses the attention span of a rhesus monkey and walks into the cursed room with the bed.







"Duh! What's this? A scary bed? I hope I don't get possessed or somethin'."



Then of course, as predicted in the first five minutes of the film, hubby gets possessed and tries to kill his wife. He fails miserably as Dempsey uses a hammer to make his head look like a waffle. This is probably the only good scene in the movie, horror wise anyway.

The rest of the cast is rounded out by Megan Mangum and Dukey Flyswatter as the ghosts. Seriously, this guy changed his name to Dukey Flyswatter as a stage name. But I guess once you've done Surf Nazi's Must Die, you'd change your name to just about anything.

So in conclusion, this is a sad tepid little movie. Don't even bother with this one. If you have 80 minuters to kill, then I suggest staring at this instead.

Relocation and such

Due to the fact that I moved everything I owned over the weekend, there was no review. But no worries, as there should be a new movie review up Sunday night. I believe I've found a truly "great" movie for this week. And by "great" I mean god-awful.

Spotlight on Director Gregory Dark

Every once in a while I'll come across something interesting on imdb.com, and this week it looks like I hit the jackpot with the upcoming movie "See No Evil". But, the movie itself doesn't look terribly impressive compared to the director, Mr. Gregory Dark.

In order to truly appreciate this director, I suggest you click here for a list of his works.

Yes, Mr. Dark has had a long career in the adult film industry, and is the mind behind such great films like "New Wave Hookers parts 1, 2, 3, and 4" and "Hootermaina". Apparently, Mr. Dark also directed the Britney Spears music video "From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart", as well as a music video for the show "Oz".

Now, its pretty much a given that "See No Evil" is going to be a bad movie. The only question in my mind is how bad it will be. Will it be like"House of 1000 Corpses", full of sound and fury ultimately signifing nothing (Note to Rob Zombie: MOVIES NEED PLOTS!) or is it just going to be "Alien 51" bad?

So please join me on May 19th, when "See No Evil" premieres in theaters.

I'll be at home, waiting for it to come out on video.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

Over the course of human history, there have been many great stories which we regard as classics. Also over the course of human history there have been countless numbers of people who thought that they could improve upon the original design of these classics. And most of those are utter failures. This is the story of one such failure.

“Dracula 3000” is a master work of rehashed crap. The logic behind it is simple enough: to remove Dracula from his only weakness, sunlight, put him where the sun can’t kill him.

In space.

Thus removed from his only weakness, Dracula is an unstoppable killing machine, who wipes out the entire planet of “Transylvania” and stows away on a cargo ship for Earth. So its aliens, but with vampires.

Set in the darkness of “deep space”, the crew happens upon an old cargo ship which suspiciously looks like an old kettle barbeque grill stuck on an assortment of discarded extra modeling parts. For some unfathomable reason, the crew decide that this grill-ship must be worth some money and decide to tow it back to Earth. Perhaps Earth has a surplus of beef patties and defrosted wieners that need to be cooked before the dreaded botulism sets in.

The film stars Casper Van Dien of “Starship Troopers” fame as the stereotypically unshaven male lead. Erika Eleniak from “Under Siege” and “Charles in Charge” stars as the tough as nails first mate/former sex-bot turned undercover robot detective. No, I’m not kidding.







Also, they got Coolio.



This all star cast spends the next 86 minutes trying to figure out how their careers went from their oh-so magnificent heights to this. Granted, it’s not much of a fall, but there is a difference from being on the edge of the toilet and being inside it. And baby, they are deep inside that metaphorical toilet.









Is this a step up or a step down from Charles in Charge?




While Dracula 3000 may be bad, its not painful. The 86 minutes spent watching this movie are usually filled with laughter, rather than groans. This bad movie qualifies as one of the movies so bad its good. Place your bets, folks, as to how they kill Dracula in the end. I’ll reveal this “shocking” spoiler at the end of the review.






Vampire Coolio wants your blood.





The only redeeming value of this sad, sad little movie, is the fun Coolio has playing a vampire. Oops, didn’t mean to spoil that little bit of the movie for you, but chances are that if you’re reading this, you’re not going to watch this movie. Coolio definitely shows that if you can’t act badly in a good movie, you can always act badly in a bad movie and look great by comparison. High off the “buzz” from being converted to one of the undead, Coolio jovially tortures the rest of the crew as he tries to drain them of their vital juices.

The rest of the crew is rounded out by “the big guy”, “the crippled guy” and “that other girl with the smaller bazongas”. Don’t bother trying to remember the names of these characters, they’re typecast roles say it all. Crippled guy is obviously smart and cowardly. Big guy is brave and dumb. And other girl with smaller bazongas is jealous and bitchy.








The anguish. Is it from being in deep space or this movie?



***SPOILER ALERT***

In the superbly climatic conclusion, this ship of fools formulates a fool proof plan to kill off their undead assailant. For all of you who said, “They fly the ship into the sun.” you are one-hundred percent correct.

In conclusion, if you have time to kill and a tolerance for pain, “Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness” is not that bad. For the rest of you, I can only close with a quote from Peter Griffon: “There, I just saved you two long boobless hours." Seriously, no boobs.

Public Service Announcement: Cover your ears!

Its very hard to steer your car with your hands over your ears screaming "Make it stop, make it stop!". Which is, in fact, what happened to me today.

Now I want to apologize to all the Spored to Death readers, as my first review was going to be for "Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness" which would have been ready by tomorrow, but something came up. In fact, it came up and forced itself down my ear canal causing me great pain and furious anger.

And that something was "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom And Suicide Is Press Coverage" by Panic! At The Disco.

The dictionary defines the word pretentious as : "pre·ten·tious adj.
Claiming or demanding a position of distinction or merit, especially when unjustified.
Making or marked by an extravagant outward show; ostentatious." (dictionary.com)

But what's missing is the link to the lyrics for this song at the end of this definition. Now I'm not a music aficionado. I can say that I'm no expert at poetry or the creation of lyrics. But if it looks like feces, sounds like feces and smells like feces, then its 100% crap.

I have heard this song a few times on the radio, back and fourth to work, and frankly, after the first play though, I always dive for the dial, desperate to find something else. I'd settle for the emergency broadcast system test, or even some Coldplay. (I have issues with a guy who sings about how sad he is and how much he cries about his pain when he can afford to go home to his solid gold house in his shiny new rocket car. But I'll save Coldplay for another time.)

When this song came on today and caught me by surprise, I had to ask myself a hard question. Should I reach for the dial and try to drive this demon-jingle from my head, or should I just swerve into oncoming traffic now and end my pain. I decided to live, but only by a narrow margin.

I'm not going to bother posting a link to the lyrics for this audible waste, but here's a small portion for you to examine:

"Dear studio audience,
I have an announcement to make.
It seems the artists these days are not who you think.
So we'll pick back up on that on another page.

And I believe, this may call for a proper introduction.
And well, dont you see? I'm the narrator and this is just the prologue."

So what can be gathered from the core of these lyrics (as the rest of the song is some form of refrain, replayed over and over) is that there is some "deception" by "the artists" but its something that will be explained later. The promised explanation never makes its debut in the song. The last line translates to "There's a guy singing this song and there's more to this story."

So are we to believe that there's some multi-song epic opera in the works about the grand conspiracy of modern music? More likely the "artist" wanted to write something deep and meaningful, but that was just too hard. Instead they wrote about writing something deep and meaningful. This "metacontent" which links to (surprise) nothing, is nothing more than a lazy and failed attempt to disguise a fluff piece as deep and meaningful. Similar to dying a Labrador retriever green and trying to pass it off as the Loch Ness monster.

This song was most likely written by someone who was masturbating to the though of how great they were and what an important contribution they would be making to the world. So a word to all those out there who don't possess a CD or tape deck in your car. Beware. There is crap on the airwaves. It will crush your spirit and make you beg for death. You' have been warned.

Bored? Welcome to the epitome of boredom!

Boredom and listlessness. These things have led mankind to some of its worst decisions regarding entertainment in the history of, well... entertainment. Many of us have flipped through the cable channels at some late hour of night and had to pick the least of evils in desperation. Movies that most people wouldn't even consider reading about suddenly become palatable under these dire circumstances.

But what if there was someone who actively sought out these horrible movies? Some masochist with a tight budget, poor taste, and a movie store with a large discount section.

And what if this someone wrote about these movies (and other media)?

In that case you'd have Spored to Death Publishing. A guide to some of the worst films on the planet. Indeed, we here at Spored to Death Publishing will go to great lengths, and at times endure great pain to give you reviews of the worst crap ever produced by man (or woman) in the name of entertainment.

Coming up in the next few posts are reviews of some terrible, and a few OK titles. We here at Spored to Death hope to give you a comprehensive look at what to stay away from at the video store.

And remember, if its not Spored to Death, it hasn't been covered in giant radioactive alien Satanic mold which hopes to spread over the face of the Earth.

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This site is currently under construction. Please excuse me while I see what condition my condition is in.