Hobo with a Shotgun

Welcome back Sporefans. Today we’ve got a very, very special review. It’s just this little movie I saw recently about a hobo... with a shotgun. In fact, the movie is called Hobo with a Shotgun.

Starring Rutger Hauer.

Did I mention that this movie is awesome?

Normally I post a trailer for a movie at the end of the review, but the trailer for this movie is so amazing that I’m posting it right here at the beginning. Watch it.

Seriously.

Watch.

It.

If you watched that trailer and you aren’t psyched to see this movie, go see a doctor. You are clearly dead. In fact, I would wager that if you read this blog and you’re not ready to go out and see Hobo with a Shotgun by now, then you have already been killed. By a hobo. With a shotgun.

But... if you insist on some more convincing, read on.

The first thing I should point out is that this movie shares something really important with the film Snakes on a Plane in that it explains the entire premise in it’s title. Rutger Hauer plays a hobo who rides into a town full of crime in the belly of a boxcar. The local crime boss, Drake, (played by Brian Downey, aka Stanley Tweedle on Lexx) has the entire town under his thumb in a grip of fear.

The fear grip, by the way... very hard to do. It takes a strong thumb to pull off. If you’re not experienced you could break your own hand. Off. Completely. Like snapped... Oh! The movie. Right.

The hobo disapproves of my non-sequitor.

The plot of this movie is pretty simple. In fact, if you’ve ever seen one episode of Fist of the North Star, you already know how the hobo is gonna roll. Just replace Kenshiro with a hobo, and random thugs exploding from being punched in the face with random thugs being exploded by a shotgun (warning: both previous links are really, really, REALLY not safe for work) and you’ve got the whole thing figured out.

Like Snakes on a Plane, Hobo with a Shotgun is what I’d like to call a title-premise movie; in that the entire premise of the film is summed up in the title. People’s biggest complaint with Snakes on a Plane was that they were really just waiting through the whole movie to watch Sam Jackson deliver one line, and that the rest of the movie consisted of a bunch of snakes.

What sets Hobo with a Shotgun apart from other title-premise movies is that at no point do you feel like you’re just waiting for the movie to get good. Hobo with a Shotgun delivers throughout the entire movie; although not as seriously as the trailer makes it out to be. Hobo with a Shotgun has just the right mix of action and campiness and feels like your watching a really good (and strangely well written) Troma film with a slightly larger than average budget. Hobo with a Shotgun delivers some camp, but it never gets in the way of the action; it blends seamlessly into it in a perfect mix of comedy and gore.

See? The perfect mix of comedy and gore summed up in one picture. Don't flinch.

So it’s pretty much the opposite of Drag Me to Hell. But that’s a tale of disappointment for another time.

The best example I can give of the interaction between camp and gore in this movie is when Drake is mentoring his son Slick (played by Gregory Smith) on how to rule through fear. He tells Slick that he doesn’t fear him, that he expected better out of the son who will one day take over his reign of terror, and that Slick needs to go out and do something to prove that he can scare the crap out of people. So Slick and his brother Ivan (played by Nick Bateman) go out and do one of the most awful and yet funny things I’ve seen a villain do in a movie... ever.

Random thug number 216 wonders if his ski mask is bullet proof.

I'll spoil it for you: No. No, it's not.

Slick and Ivan board a school bus sporting a flamethrower and pair of boom boxes. (For those of you too young to know this, a boom box is a cheap portable stereo with a tape deck in the middle of it, and I feel old for having to explain that.) The boom boxes are playing Disco Inferno by The Trammps while Slick asks the kids a bunch of questions like, “Do you like cookies?” The kids, being in a movie and thereby unable to realize that they are seconds away from being made into toasty child pastries all yell:

“YEAAH!!!”

Then Slick asks them if they like hobos, and the kids predictably all scream “YEAAH!!!” So he torches them with the flamethrower just as the song hits it’s refrain with “Burn, baby, burn!”

After burning a bus full of school children alive, Slick tells the parents of the town that if they don’t hunt the hobo down that he’ll kill all of the rest of their children. The town turns against the hobo and presents him with an additional difficulty; while he’s being hunted by a bloodthirsty mob, none of the people in the mob are really bad, so the hobo really doesn’t want to shoot them.

While the villains in this movie are excellent, Rutger Hauer stands out as the real star of Hobo with a Shotgun. His character has a subtle depth which lends him a very touching human quality. There are several scenes that start with the hobo alone, cradling his shotgun and pondering the morality of horrors that he has unleashed upon the town.

The hobo contemplates violence. So... much... violence. Why, God? Why?

The scene where the hobo obtains the shotgun is arguably the best scene in the movie. Before he gets the shotgun he tries to stop the criminals by turning them over to local law enforcement, which is predictably corrupt; and attempts to dissuade the local thugs through several more non-lethal means such as a sock full of loose change.

However, fate intervenes with the hobo’s plans and he is forced to make a choice between his future happiness and the life of two innocent bystanders. The hobo spends most of the first half of the movie trying to obtain $49.99 for a used lawnmower. Why? Because he wants to start his own business cutting lawns. Why else would a hobo want a lawnmower?

What? No! That’s sick. Just stop. Seriously. People don’t do that with lawnmowers. No, it doesn’t matter how much tequila they drank... Oh. Tila Tequila. Well, that might be a different story.

Anyway, when the hobo goes to the pawn shop to purchase the used lawn mower, who should walk in but three random thugs in ski masks? (I told you that this was Fist of the North Star with shotguns.) While the hobo stares longingly at his prize the thugs threaten to shoot a young mother and her infant child with a very, very large handgun.

And then, the hobo notices a shotgun hanging from the display rack right next to the lawnmower. The price tag dangles in front of his face: $49.99. He reaches up, takes the shotgun and then... a lot of people die really, really badly.

Now, if you’re the type of person who asks, “Why was the display shotgun loaded with bullets?” and complains, “That makes no sense, it’s dangerous to leave a loaded shotgun in a pawn shop,” then there’s something I need you to do.

Stop reading this review.

Shut down your computer.

Now go help your grandma knit that afghan.

If you have to ask that question then you have clearly missed the point of the entire movie, and that point is:

Hobo + Shotgun = Violence.

I DON'T NEED NO STINKING CAPTION!!!

And really, that’s all you need to know. If you’re not down with Hobo-shotgun interactions, then you shouldn’t be watching this movie. More fun trivia, did you know that Hobo with a Shotgun was one of the fake movie trailers on Grindhouse? I’m putting money on SyFy optioning Werewolf Women of the SS... just without any of the nudity. Failing that, they’ll probably just make something that looks exactly like it and release it at the exact same time that the real film comes out... but who would be foolish enough to mix up the two?

In any event, the following is the UNRATED version of the trailer for Hobo with a Shotgun, so be warned that it does contain lots of gore, and you should probably not be watching this at work. But what you do with it is up to you.

Until next time, stay away from hobos with shotguns. It’s just generally a good idea.

Leprechaun 4: In Space

This review is dedicated to an Irish friend who got himself into a pickle.

Spored: Greetings Sporefans. Welcome back to the Tome. We recently celebrated Saint Patrick’s Day; a day I had apparently celebrated every year previously but somehow have no memory of. Coincidentally this is the first St. Patty’s day that I celebrated soberly as I’ve had to give up the drink. Apparently there are some things you’re not supposed to do with a doughnut a donkey and a dirigible that landed me into some trouble and... you know, let’s just skip over that part. What’s important is that this year I got to remember the movie we sat down to watch on St. Patty’s day.

Spored: Sporefans, may I present a review for Leprechaun 4: In Space!

Spored: In order to bring you Sporefans the most accurate evaluation of this movie I decided to enlist the help of an expert. We contacted four so-called experts on Leprechauns, but all of them declined to come on the Tome. They all mentioned something about not being taken seriously, and “academic prestige” and yadda, yadda, yadda. I guess they thought being interviewed on the Tome would hurt their reputation; so I decided that if we couldn’t get an expert on Leprechauns that we would just have to go one better.

Spored: I got an actual Leprechaun.

Spored: Allow me to introduce Braden O’Hanrahan, a Leprechaun who agreed to watch Leprechaun 4: In Space and discuss the movie with me. Braden, welcome to the Tome.

Braden: Hey.

Spored: So Braden, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Braden: Well... I don’t know.... what you want me to say? Let’s see... uh... my name’s Braden, I’m 947 years young, I’m from Detroit... uh.... I like cotton candy...

Spored: Detroit? I thought all Leprechauns were from Ireland.

Braden: Well I moved to Detroit in 1847.

Spored: Ahhh! So that’s why you don’t speak with a thick Irish accent... eh laddie?

Braden: Don’t do that.

Spored: What, the accent?

Braden: Yeah. Don’t do that again. Ever.

Spored: OK. So Braden, what’s it like to be a leprechaun? Do you make good money?

Braden: It’s who I am, it’s not a career.

Spored: Oh. So you don’t, like, magic yourself a living?

Braden: No. I work for me money like everyone else.

Spored: And what do you do Braden?

Braden: I’d rather not say.

Spored: Aw, come on. It can’t be that bad.

Braden:... I sell women’s shoes.

Spored: You... ah...

Braden: At the mall.

Spored: Does Ed O’Neill know about this?

Braden: Some days I wish I had died back in Ireland.

Spored: Oookay. Anyway, what I’d like to do is play this movie, Leprechaun 4: In Space and we’ll talk about some of the scenes. I’d like to get your feedback on the movie, but I have to warn the Sporefans that this will create spoilers.

Braden: Spoilers?

Spored: It’s when you reveal something about what happens in a movie that might ruin a surprise or the enjoyment for someone who hasn’t seen it yet.

Braden: You really think you’re gonna have to worry about that?

Spored: You’d be surprised. Some people really like these movies.

Braden: Uh-huh.

Spored: No, really...

Braden: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with. You better have my fifty bucks; I gotta go see a guy after this.

Spored: No, no; I got it. Let’s watch the movie.

Spored: OK, so we’ve got famed actor Warwick Davis playing the Leprechaun and he’s talking to Rebekah Carlton who’s playing Princess Zarina.

Braden: Nice bikini.

Yes. Yes that is a nice bikini.

Spored: Yes. Yes she is wearing a nice bikini. With golden spikes all over it. They’re kinda going for this Princess Leia thing; but in this case, she’s evil.

Braden: Who are the guys with guns?

Spored: Well, they’re space marines. Let’s see, we’ve got Brent Jasmer, Tim Colceri, Miguel Nunez Jr., Debbie Dunning....

Braden: What do leprechauns have to do with space marines?

Spored: The leprechaun in this movie is trying to take over the universe... or a planet. Maybe it’s a galaxy. Anyway, the point is that he’s evil and the space marines are there to stop him.

Braden: How do they know he’s evil?

Spored: If you saw the first three movies, you’d know he’s evil.

Braden: There are more of these things out there?

Spored: Oh yeah, it’s a franchise. There are three before this one, Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2 and Leprechaun 3; and after this one there’s Leprechaun in the Hood and Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood.

Braden: Why the SPORE would anyone make more than one of these?

Spored: Well, they’re a lot of fun to make. Rumor has it that Warwick Davis loves to play the leprechaun because the movies are a blast.

The Leprechaun has himself a light shelall... shalal... cane. He has a light cane.

Braden: It’s not a blast to watch. If fact I’d like to blast me head off rather than keep at this.

Spored: Oh just give it a chance. This movie is a lot of fun. It’s just a silly movie with a few good laughs; it’s not going to be great. And besides, think about how much fun it’s got to be to play a space marine who shoots lasers at Warwick Davis. You have to give Rick Peters and Geoff Mead...

Braden: You’re just looking for a way to name them all, ain’t ya?

Spored: ...and Ladd York.and Mike Cannizzo credit for going out there and pretending to fight an unkillable menace that...

Braden: Unkillable? They just blew him up with a grenade!

Spored: Oh no, he’ll be fine. Just watch.

Braden: And why is it that the leprechaun is all wrinkly and ugly? That’s real biased, ya know? Oh look, now that space marine is peeing on his corpse. This movie SUCKS!

Spored: Ah, come on. It’s all in good fun. Where’s your St. Patty’s day spirit?

Braden: You think this is funny? How would you like it if someone made an ass of you in a movie, eh?

Spored: Hey, it’s funny that you mention that...

Braden: And as for my “St. Patty’s day” spirit, let me tell you... every year kids chase me around screaming “Hey, gimme your lucky charms.” Drunks’ll chase me too, tryin’ to catch me so they can get my “pot o’ gold” from the end of the rainbow. Don’t you Americans know anything about the wee folk? We don’t give out our pots of gold. Hell, I don’t even have a pot of gold anymore.

TEN HUT SPACE MARINES! NOW FAN OUT AND FIND ME THAT POT O' GOLD!

Spored: What happened to your pot of gold?

Braden: It’s a long and very sad tale. Back in Ireland we had a famine.The potato crops all died and my wife, Katey, suffered from starvation and eventually passed on; which is when I decided to make a new sta...

Spored: Oh hey, check this out! In this scene the hot space marine girl and her space marine boyfriend are fooling around near the garbage dump... romantic, right? But remember that this is the same space marine that peed on the leprechaun... so when the female space marine goes to take his pants off the leprechaun EXPLODES out of the dude’s crotch and kills him.

Braden:...

Spored: So Braden, have you ever exploded out of a crotch before?

Braden: What is wrong with you? Here I am, about to tell you the saddest tale of me life; the tale of how my entire family was lost in the Irish potato famine and how I lost my pot of gold, and you sit there and you, you-you-you... ask me if I’ve ever exploded out of a crotch before?

Spored: Well, have you?

Braden: NO!

Spored: Well, you gotta check on these things. I mean, you don’t look like you’ve ever exploded somebody's crotch before. But... you can’t be to careful about these things.

Braden:... You’re a mad man.

Spored: Technically, I’m a mad fungus. But it brings me to another point. In the movie, the leprechaun appears to have near limitless, almost god-like powers. Do you have near limitless, almost god-like powers?

Braden: No. No I do not have near limitless, almost god-like powers.

Spored: Are you sure?

Braden: YES, I’M SURE! If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be sitting here waiting for fifty bucks to pay my bookie so he don’t break me legs!

Spored: OK, no... I just had to ask. OK, let’s just fast forward a bit here. There’s another awesome scene I think we should cover. There’s this character, Dr. Mittenhand. Awesome name that: Mittenhand. Anyway, Guy Siner plays Dr. Mittenhand, a man whose experiments with science has left him more machine than man.

Braden: Right. Well... I see that.

Spored: Now, as cyborgs go, Dr. Mittenhand is kinda lame. He’s pretty much held together with duct tape and hope; but it fits in with the theme and the budget of the rest of the movie. Mittenhand looks like somebody stuck a cardboard box on top of a Roomba, and they clearly want you to know how crappily he’s been thrown together because he keeps leaking fluids all over the floor. I guess it’s not surprising when Dr. Mittenhand and the Leprechaun fight that the Leprechaun wins. Hey Braden, do you think you could beat a cyborg in a fight?

Didn't I see this in an Austin Power's movie?

Braden: I’m not much of a fighter, but... If I were one for betting, I’d put me money on me.

Spored: Really? I guess you have some pretty awesome magical powers to smash that cyborg up good.

Braden: I’ve told you before, I have no powers.

Spored: Then how would you be able to beat up a cyborg?

Braden: You ever notice how no one ever messed with Gary Coleman?

Spored: I never really noticed.

Braden: That guy... I met him once mind you; that guy would kick the crap outta a cyber.

Spored: Cyborg.

Braden: Whatever. My point is, if you mess with Gary Coleman, you get run over by a truck.

Spored: Wow. So you’re pretty bad-ass, huh? Did you ever run anyone over with a truck?

Braden: ...I take the bus, mostly.

Spored: Hey, what about Robocop? Do you think you could beat Robocop in a fight?

Braden: Well...

Spored: I mean if you had a truck. Oh! What about a giant robot with death missiles? Do you think you could beat a giant robot with death missiles? I mean, if you’re a leprechaun and all, you could...

Braden: This is getting stupid.

Spored: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s stick to the topic at hand. Now at the end of Leprechaun 4: In Space the leprechaun, who becomes giant sized, gets shot out of an airlock into the void of space and it kills him. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that the leprechaun could be blown up and have all sorts of horrible things happen to him and then the vacuum of space kills him off?

The Leprechaun... searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation interacts with his unique body chemistry. And now, when The Leprechaun grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. DUN-DUN-DUUUN DUUUN DAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!

Braden: Yeah. I guess. I mean, if you’re talkin’ about the made up leprechaun in the movie that does seem to be a stretch.

Spored: Its funny, because it reminds me of my very first review, a little film called Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness. I guess it’s because the movies end in almost the exact same way. Hey, while you’re here, you wanna watch it? I’ve got a copy...

Braden: Look Mr. Mushroom...

Spored: It’s Mr. Death actually.

Braden: Whatever. The deal was if I sat through this movie and did your interview I’d get fifty bucks. The credits are rolling, I did the interview; now I want my money!

Spored: Well, If I remember correctly, the deal was that you’d get on the show if you were a leprechaun. So far, I haven’t seen any leprechaun powers. You could just as easily be an actor sent over from Warwick Davis’ company for actors of smaller stature.

Braden: All it shows is that you know nothing about wee folk. No gimme my money.

Spored: Come on, I’m not gonna buy that. You gotta have some proof that you’re a real leprechaun.

Braden: I already told ye that I don’t have me pot of gold anymore. I spent it to get to America. I cobble shoes. Did you know the wee folk cobble shoes?

Spored: You sell shoes. I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of kids in South-East Asia who would disagree with your claim to cobbling.

Braden: Look, I’ll be straight with ya. If I don’t have that fifty bucks by six Jimmy Cannoli’s gonna break my hand.

AH! Sure and Begorrah, I farted in me suit!

Spored: No magic, no money.

Braden: The only thing that’s left is for me to grant you three wishes, but I’m not about to let you catch me for...

Spored: GOTCHA!

Braden: LET GO OF ME YOU DAFT FOOL!

Spored: No way! Not until I get three wishes!

Braden: … There’s a special place in Hell for you, you know that?

Spored: Hey, whatever. So I get three wishes, right?

Braden: Yes. Just make it quick.

Spored: OK... I want...

Braden: You have to say “I wish,” or it doesn’t work.

Spored: Oh. Right. I wish for.... a doughnut, a donkey and a dirigible. Does that count as three wishes or...

Braden: Granted.

Donkey: Hee-haw!

Spored: Holy crap, that actually worked. OK, I wish for fifty bucks!

Braden: Gran... hey. Did you even have my money?

Spored: Well... to tell the truth, I’m a little short. Get it? Ha! It’s a little jo-HURK!

Braden: Now you listen here, mushroom man. You wish for two-thousand dollars for your friend Mr. O’Hanrahan. Now. Get it?

Spored: I wish for... gaaak... two-thousand dollars... can’t breathe... for my good friend.... Mr. O’Hanrahan.

Braden: Granted! Thank you friend. See? Isn’t it nice to be nice to people; and not make rude jokes about them?

Spored: Hey... I... I still get one wish, right?

Braden: Hurry up and make it a quick. It’s almost six o’clock.

Spored: I wish for a fully loaded rocket launcher.

Braden: Hey. Wait. Easy now friend. I know I got a little rough on ya, but you shouldn’t of made that joke. It’s a bit of a sore spot for me.

Spored: You have to give me what I wish for right? I want a fully loaded rocket launcher.

Braden: Well, why don’t you just wish for more money? You don’t have to blow me up, you know? Heh. Hey, you could, ah... you could wish for a million, no two million...

Spored: What? No. It’s not for you.

Braden: Eh?

Spored: How do you think I got into trouble with the doughnut the donkey and the dirigible? Speaking of which, hand me that doughnut.

Braden: But... You’re not gonna kill the donkey, are you?

Spored: Whaf? Ham om a feffond? huh?.... That’s some good doughnut. No, no... I’m gonna ride the donkey and blow up the blimp.

Braden: Why in God’s name would you do that?

Spored: Seemed like a good idea last St. Patty’s day.

Braden: So you’re not gonna kill me with a rocket launcher.

Spored: Not unless you wanted to ride in the dirigible.

Braden: Well... in that case: granted. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go place a bet. I feel lucky today.

Spored: Good luck Braden! And as for you, my fine floating friend.

Donkey: Hee-haw!

Spored: Adios......... blimp!

Apologies

I must apologize Sporefans, but I'm dealing with some personal issues right now. I promise there will be a new review soon. In the meantime, please enjoy this free movie, The Evil of Doctor Satanicus. It's a movie I've reviewed once before and it's a real blast from the past!

Mortuary, 2005

I’m sorry Sporefans, but I’m afraid that today’s review is not for you. No, today’s review is for my fungal brothers and sisters who dwell in the depths of B-movie exploitative cinema. Well, they would be my brothers and sisters if we weren’t an asexually reproducing species; but they’re still kin and I feel their pain. My fungal friends are misrepresented in movies and are often portrayed as disgusting, infectious and sometimes quite dangerous. This is clearly a distortion of reality and an effort by the “hu-man” to keep us down. However, if you, gentle Sporefans decide to read on, I would greatly appreciate your time and attention on this topic which is most infuriating to myself and my other Fungal-Americans.

A prime example of what I like to call “spore-tation” cinema would be the 2005 film Mortuary, directed by antifungist Tobe Hooper. Denise Crosby stars in Mortuary as Leslie Doyle, a recently widowed single mother of two. She takes her two children, Johnathan and Jamie (Dan Byrd and Stephanie Patton respectively) and moves to an old, abandoned mortuary in California. As they struggle to adapt to their new lives the locals tell them about the legend of Bobby Fowler, the deformed progeny of the last owners who supposedly killed a lot of people and lived inside the graves surrounding the mortuary.

Did I mention that the house comes with FREE coffins?

So far this sounds like the plot to just another box set horror movie, but then there’s a twist. This is the part where I tell you to stop reading if you don’t want to have the movie spoiled. While you ponder your options, here’s a video of a kitten doing something really, really cute.

And now, beware the spoilers: The twist here is that the killer in the movie is not Bobby Fowler, but a large growth of corpse mold which lives beneath the embalming room floor and feeds on the blood of the dead. The corpse mold grows out of control and eventually infects the dead bodies to drink up their precious, tasty blood. After the bodies are infected with the corpse mold they become zombies who attack the living in an effort to infect them and then drink their blood as well.

So in Mortuary, people are literally spored to death.

Are truffles really supposed to HUUURK!!!

I take great umbrage with the inaccuracy with which my people are portrayed in this film. First off, Mr. Hooper, I have never, ever killed a human being; unless you count clowns, which most people don’t. Secondly this movie implies that a fungus can infect the dead and reanimate a corpse making it into a walking servant who feeds humans to a giant fungal maw. Nothing could be further from the truth! My zombies were hired, not created; and receive a rate of pay higher than stipulated in the fair employment for undead workers act of 1996. In fact, the following is a written letter from my zombie employees in regards to how they view their working conditions.

                        Brains,

Brains.... braaaaiiins! Brains... braains. Brains, brains, braaaiiins. Brains.
                         brains,
                             ...Brains.

As you can see, my zombie staff is not a group of infected slaves whose minds are controlled by a vicious fungal overlord. Sure, they have a one track mind, but their minds are their own, and I clearly...

Hey! Hey! Don’t eat that! That’s not a brain! No! No, it’s The Man with Two Brains! Don’t you know who Steve Martin is? No, it’s plastic; not brains. VHS. See? V.H.S. It’s a tape! NOT BRAINS!

I’m sorry folks, we were just having a... workplace misunderstanding. Where was I? Oh, yeah... my zombies are not slaves, they are not infected with a fungus, and they clearly have a mind of their own. Besides, everyone knows that zombification comes from viruses, not fungi.

Zombie: I wanted to talk to her about my working conditions, but all that came out was "Braaains." Apparently this also constitutes sexual harassment. Maybe if I hadn't approached her in my underwear things might have gone better.

So I had to ask myself why any self respecting fungus would work with a known antifungist like Tobe Hooper. I mean, sure he directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; the original one, not the remake. I guess having a horror movie classic under your belt makes people think you’re a pretty big deal. Heh, I mean what else has he done?

Besides Poltergeist.

And Lifeforce.

And Invaders from Mars.

I mean, those aren’t really a big deal, right?

…

OK, well to get the real deal I contacted the corpse mold in the movie Mortuary and it agreed to do a phone interview with me. I’ve transcribed our conversation below for my brother and sister fungi; as well as those Sporefans who have read on and support the cause. What I found was most surprising.

Larry really has some boundary issues.

Spored: So semi-sentient corpse mold, first off... how are the motes? Have you spawned a lot of particulates lately? Are they blooming well?

Corpse Mold: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Well, I’m glad to hear that.

Corpse Mold: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: What? Oh sure, Larry it is then. So tell me Larry, what was it like working with Tobe Hooper?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Seriously? He was cool?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Wow, I really didn’t expect that. I would have thought he would be a total jerk, but it looks like I was wrong. Well... I bet you and Denise Crosby didn’t get along well. I mean, she was eaten by a giant pile of slime or something in Star Trek: The Next Generation, so she’s probably got some very antifungist sentiments.

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: You went out for drinks?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Well, what about the writers? Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch must be totally anti-mold!

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: What do you mean they were a pleasure to work with?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: OK, yes... I agree that this movie is a lot of fun. Okay? Yes, it is a fun, simple but good movie that was great to watch and had a few great moments. But...

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Yes, I did see that part where your fungal tendrils creeped up the drain to feast on the blood of the recently deceased; and yes, it was creepy. But why would you perpetuate the stereotype that fungi will invade human bodies? Don’t you know that you’re making us look like monsters in the eyes of the public? Why would you pretend to do something like that?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Oh.

Apparently Larry really does invade the bodies of the living and recently deceased and makes them into zombies. OK, so not all spores are good. But without fungi, you wouldn’t have penicillin, which we gave to Alexander Fleming in 1928. Without us, you would have no bread, no cheese and no beer.

Seriously, there would be no beer.

Also, we make great medicines. High cholesterol? We can fix that. Overactive immune system? We’re on that too.

Did I mention the beer?

"Living in a world without mushwooms would make me sad. Teddy too!"

While I admit that my interaction with Larry has opened my eyes to the fact that not all spores are beneficial, I still think we deserve props for all the awesome things we do. As a matter of fact, there’s one more thing that fungi do for you, and that’s review movies.

So in summation spores and Sporefans, Mortuary is a fun film worth watching. The human actors in the movie are quite good and I guess I can forgive Tobe Hooper, Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch for their fungal indiscretions... this time. The only thing that strikes my ire, Sporefans, is that jerk Larry; a fungus whose lame weakness was an aversion to salt. What a ridiculous inaccuracy! Many of us are tasty with a well portioned dose of salt! We don’t melt and...

Actually... ZOMBIES! Come hither... I need you to make a special delivery!

See you next time Sporefans.

Salvage

Spored: Greetings Sporefans. Today I’d like to take some time to talk about a movie that I got out of a four movie box set. Now the way this usually works is that I’ll buy four movies for ten bucks and maybe one of them will be watchable. I was greatly surprised when all four movies from this box set were good. For the next few reviews I’ll be talking about each one of the movies from this box set, starting with the 2006 movie Salvage.

Spored: Now as has been my custom as of late, if a movie is worth watching I will try not to spoil it by talking too much about the plot. This makes reviewing Salvage a bit of a tricky issue as the entire movie is a puzzle; and revealing too much might ruin the experience for you. The premise of the movie is that a girl named Claire Parker (played by Lauren Currie Lewis) wakes up at the counter of her job as an overnight clerk in a convenience store. She punches out and on her way home she is murdered by insane killer Duke Desmond (played by Chris Ferry). In a very Groundhog Day fashion she reawakens at the convenience store and has to experience more gruesome and disturbing events that lead to her being murdered over and over again.

Spored: Now I’m sure some of you are sitting there already trying to think about why this might be happening, and you can see my dilemma in reviewing this film. If I say too much, you might get the ending before watching the movie; If I say nothing, it would be a very short review. So, to fill time and page space I’ve decided to take a part time job as clerk working the graveyard shift in a convenience store in Name Redacted, Arkansas. No, the name of the town hasn’t been redacted, it’s actually called Name Redacted, Arkansas. I felt that this would help me get in tune with the character of Claire and the events that transpired in the film.

Mrph buriphmo if reammy, reammy yfmmy. AHHH! Hey, why does my stomach hurt?

Spored: Plus, I’m short on cash. Did you know it’s hard to find work as a human shaped sentient fungus? People keep talking about health code violations and allergies and other such nonsense.

Spored: Now there are some things that you should know about Name Redacted, Arkansas. I could have just gotten a job as an overnight clerk at any convenience store in the country, provided that they would hire a sentient fungus. But if I did that I wouldn’t be really getting in tune with the creepy nature of this film. That’s why I searched high and low to find the creepiest convenience store in the country. As it happens, the Name Redacted Slurp and Gas sits directly in the middle of five closed sanatoriums for the criminally insane.

Spored: Locals say that if you draw lines and connect the sanatoriums on a map it forms a pentagram. I asked one of the locals why they didn’t just draw a pentagon instead; as they’re easier to draw. He didn’t have an answer, but he did reiterate that this store is cursed and that I was damned for taking a job here. Then he bought a Slim Jim and raided the take a penny tray.

Spored: After having to eat one of the microwave burritos here for dinner, I think he might be right. I do feel a serious sense of foreboding somewhere deep inside me.

Mom? Are you there? I'm filled with a horrible sense of foreboding.

Spored: Other than the terrible burrito, I haven’t had any other experiences with curses or being damned. It’s currently 2:38 in the morning and nothing is happening. I can see why Claire would fall asleep so easily at this job. It also explains why she was attending community college, as this is no way to spend the next fifty years of your... oh look! An actual customer! Greetings ma’am. Welcome to the Name Redacted Slurp and Gas, where we promise you won’t pass by unnoticed. How can I help you this evening?

Aged Female Customer: I need milk. Where’s the milk?

Spored: Milk is in aisle six, in the refrigerator. Listen, if you’ve got a minute there’s this really great movie I’d like to recommend. It was was an official selection at the Sundance film festival...

Aged Female Customer: I don’t give a crap about that! Just let me get my milk!

Spored: Oo...kay... Are you sure? You’re really missing out on this...

Aged Female Customer:...

Spored:No, next aisle! NEXT AISLE! So, yeah. She really doesn’t want to hear about this movie. But there is more to tell. For starters, while you may never have heard of any of the cast, they’re all great at playing their parts. I particularly liked Chris Ferry’s portrayal of Duke Desmond. Also...

Believe it or not, this guy does my taxes.

Aged Female Customer: Hey! Stop talking to yourself!

Spored: Huh? I’m sorry, I was recording this... for... uh...

Aged Female Customer: I don’t care! Why is this milk so expensive?

Spored: Uhh... I guess it’s a little on the expensive side, but...

Aged Female Customer: Are you trying to rip me off?

Spored: Ma’am, I don’t set the prices. I just work here.

Aged Female Customer: Can’t you make it cheaper?

Spored: Well ma’am, I can’t do that. The owner sets the prices.

Aged Female Customer: But the bottle’s all dirty. You should give me a discount for it!

Spored: Ma’am, you can get another bottle if you like. There are others over there in the fridge.

Aged Female Customer: … Fine.

Spored: You know Sporefans, one of the things I liked the most about Salvage was its setting. I don’t know where it was filmed, but Salvage had a great feel to it. You can tell it wasn’t shot on a Hollywood set, but in a small town, most likely due to the movie’s relatively small budget. Wherever they found their shooting location, it was eerily empty. Not empty as in movies like Vanilla Sky where they emptied Times Square which lead to a created unnatural feeling of emptiness. It had a more natural tone because there were some people around, but only very rarely. The lack of people leads to a feeling of isolation that...

What you don't know is that Claire is staring at a leprechaun, a cow, a turntable and Buick doing something really strange. No, you pervert; they're performing Shakespeare. What's wrong with you?

Aged Female Customer: They’re all dirty. All of them! They have smudges all over them!

Spored: Let me take a look... Those aren’t smudges, those are the sell by dates.

Aged Female Customer: What? … So you’re trying to sell me expired milk! Did you rub all those dates off the cartons?

Spored: It’s not expired. It says its not due till next week. See, it’s also stamped on the bottom.

Aged Female Customer: No it’s not!

Spored: Yes it is. Look here. Hey, why is your hand all smudged up?

Aged Female Customer: Give me that! Yes.... yes, this milk isn’t expired. But it is all dirty! I want another one.

Spored: Help yourself. They’re in aisle six.

Aged Female Customer: I know where they are. You don’t have to be rude. Your boss can see how rude you are on that camera, you know?

Spored: Huh? Oh, no that’s made of cardboard. They just like to make it look like we have cameras so we’re less likely to die overnight.

Aged Female Customer: Well... do you have any paper towels?

Spored: Yes, they’re at the end of aisle six, past the milk.

Aged Female Customer: ...

Spored: You’re WELCOME!

Spored: Anyway Sporefans, while the setting in Salvage is well chosen, it’s the writing that really makes this film. The Crook brothers, Jeff and Josh, have crafted a great story that keeps you guessing till the end. Just when you think you have the riddle of Salvage figured out, you don’t. Some of you may be able to guess the ending, but something tells me that you’ll have a few wrong guesses before you figure it out. In fact...

You may already have won one-million dollars. No, I'm just kidding... I'm going to kill you.

Scruffy Male Customer: Excuse me sir. Do you have any spaceship fuel?

Spored: Uh... no. I’m sorry, we only have gasoline.

Scruffy Male Customer: Oh. Well do you have any box cutters?

Spored: Uh-huh. Aisle two. We also have this awesome camera, that...

Spored: Man, no one wants to hear me talk today. It’s like I have a badge that says “interrupt me” on it when it clearly says... “Habib?

Spored: Another thing that I enjoyed about Salvage is that all the actors did a really great job selling this story to the audience. It was refreshing to see that people who haven’t made it very far into their careers could deliver such professional performances which complimented the story nicely.

Scruffy Male Customer: Wow, this is just what I wanted! Look how sharp it is? See?

Spored: Yeah, that’s... really sharp.

Scruffy Male Customer: Hey, do you also have human faces here?

Spored: Why yes! Just check the end of aisle six. Speaking of human faces, one of the best scenes in Salvage is when Duke cuts off Claire’s face. I mean, it was really quite graphic...

Aged Female Customer: What are you doing? He’s got a knife! Help! Help!

Scruffy Male Customer: I need your face! Give me your face meats!

Aged Female Customer: AAAAHHH!!!

Scruffy Male Customer: I need it for my spaceship! Don’t make me stay here! I want to go home!

Spored: He starts out by cutting an outline around her face, which is a great effect accomplished with a classic horror movie trick using a sponge and fake blood. The effect comes out beautifully and is much better than it would be using expensive CGI tricks. Then, after Duke digs his fingers into the top of Claire’s scalp the camera cuts to her point of view. You can see that even for a guy as big as Duke it’s really not easy to rip off a human face. There are all these sinews and tendons holding it in place. How do you think you smile? The face ripping is accompanied by these really grotesque popping and tearing noises that make the scene truly disturbing and probably the best shot in the movie.

But I don't WANNA have my face cut off!

Aged Female Customer: This milk has a face on it! I want a discount!

Spored: Uh... What happened to the guy?

Aged Female Customer: Nothing!

Faceless Male Customer: She’s stealing my face-ship. I feel dizzy...

Spored: You know what? I’m going to let you have that face milk for free.

Aged Female Customer: I don’t need your charity!

Spored: OK. How about twenty-five cents?

Aged Female Customer: That’s better. I’d take those paper towels too, but... that have... *ahem*... a pair of testi-

Spored: That’s OK. I’ll clean that up right away.

Aged Female Customer: Such a nice young man! Have a wonderful evening.

Spored: Yeah. You too. Have a nice evening.

Spored: Well Sporefans, it looks like I’m out of a part time job. Until next time, uh... don’t eat the burritos.

Faceless Male Customer: I think I’m gonna be sick.

Spored: Good night!