Mortuary, 2005

I’m sorry Sporefans, but I’m afraid that today’s review is not for you. No, today’s review is for my fungal brothers and sisters who dwell in the depths of B-movie exploitative cinema. Well, they would be my brothers and sisters if we weren’t an asexually reproducing species; but they’re still kin and I feel their pain. My fungal friends are misrepresented in movies and are often portrayed as disgusting, infectious and sometimes quite dangerous. This is clearly a distortion of reality and an effort by the “hu-man” to keep us down. However, if you, gentle Sporefans decide to read on, I would greatly appreciate your time and attention on this topic which is most infuriating to myself and my other Fungal-Americans.

A prime example of what I like to call “spore-tation” cinema would be the 2005 film Mortuary, directed by antifungist Tobe Hooper. Denise Crosby stars in Mortuary as Leslie Doyle, a recently widowed single mother of two. She takes her two children, Johnathan and Jamie (Dan Byrd and Stephanie Patton respectively) and moves to an old, abandoned mortuary in California. As they struggle to adapt to their new lives the locals tell them about the legend of Bobby Fowler, the deformed progeny of the last owners who supposedly killed a lot of people and lived inside the graves surrounding the mortuary.

Did I mention that the house comes with FREE coffins?

So far this sounds like the plot to just another box set horror movie, but then there’s a twist. This is the part where I tell you to stop reading if you don’t want to have the movie spoiled. While you ponder your options, here’s a video of a kitten doing something really, really cute.

And now, beware the spoilers: The twist here is that the killer in the movie is not Bobby Fowler, but a large growth of corpse mold which lives beneath the embalming room floor and feeds on the blood of the dead. The corpse mold grows out of control and eventually infects the dead bodies to drink up their precious, tasty blood. After the bodies are infected with the corpse mold they become zombies who attack the living in an effort to infect them and then drink their blood as well.

So in Mortuary, people are literally spored to death.

Are truffles really supposed to HUUURK!!!

I take great umbrage with the inaccuracy with which my people are portrayed in this film. First off, Mr. Hooper, I have never, ever killed a human being; unless you count clowns, which most people don’t. Secondly this movie implies that a fungus can infect the dead and reanimate a corpse making it into a walking servant who feeds humans to a giant fungal maw. Nothing could be further from the truth! My zombies were hired, not created; and receive a rate of pay higher than stipulated in the fair employment for undead workers act of 1996. In fact, the following is a written letter from my zombie employees in regards to how they view their working conditions.

                        Brains,

Brains.... braaaaiiins! Brains... braains. Brains, brains, braaaiiins. Brains.
                         brains,
                             ...Brains.

As you can see, my zombie staff is not a group of infected slaves whose minds are controlled by a vicious fungal overlord. Sure, they have a one track mind, but their minds are their own, and I clearly...

Hey! Hey! Don’t eat that! That’s not a brain! No! No, it’s The Man with Two Brains! Don’t you know who Steve Martin is? No, it’s plastic; not brains. VHS. See? V.H.S. It’s a tape! NOT BRAINS!

I’m sorry folks, we were just having a... workplace misunderstanding. Where was I? Oh, yeah... my zombies are not slaves, they are not infected with a fungus, and they clearly have a mind of their own. Besides, everyone knows that zombification comes from viruses, not fungi.

Zombie: I wanted to talk to her about my working conditions, but all that came out was "Braaains." Apparently this also constitutes sexual harassment. Maybe if I hadn't approached her in my underwear things might have gone better.

So I had to ask myself why any self respecting fungus would work with a known antifungist like Tobe Hooper. I mean, sure he directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; the original one, not the remake. I guess having a horror movie classic under your belt makes people think you’re a pretty big deal. Heh, I mean what else has he done?

Besides Poltergeist.

And Lifeforce.

And Invaders from Mars.

I mean, those aren’t really a big deal, right?

…

OK, well to get the real deal I contacted the corpse mold in the movie Mortuary and it agreed to do a phone interview with me. I’ve transcribed our conversation below for my brother and sister fungi; as well as those Sporefans who have read on and support the cause. What I found was most surprising.

Larry really has some boundary issues.

Spored: So semi-sentient corpse mold, first off... how are the motes? Have you spawned a lot of particulates lately? Are they blooming well?

Corpse Mold: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Well, I’m glad to hear that.

Corpse Mold: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: What? Oh sure, Larry it is then. So tell me Larry, what was it like working with Tobe Hooper?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Seriously? He was cool?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Wow, I really didn’t expect that. I would have thought he would be a total jerk, but it looks like I was wrong. Well... I bet you and Denise Crosby didn’t get along well. I mean, she was eaten by a giant pile of slime or something in Star Trek: The Next Generation, so she’s probably got some very antifungist sentiments.

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: You went out for drinks?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Well, what about the writers? Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch must be totally anti-mold!

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: What do you mean they were a pleasure to work with?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: OK, yes... I agree that this movie is a lot of fun. Okay? Yes, it is a fun, simple but good movie that was great to watch and had a few great moments. But...

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Yes, I did see that part where your fungal tendrils creeped up the drain to feast on the blood of the recently deceased; and yes, it was creepy. But why would you perpetuate the stereotype that fungi will invade human bodies? Don’t you know that you’re making us look like monsters in the eyes of the public? Why would you pretend to do something like that?

Larry: GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Spored: Oh.

Apparently Larry really does invade the bodies of the living and recently deceased and makes them into zombies. OK, so not all spores are good. But without fungi, you wouldn’t have penicillin, which we gave to Alexander Fleming in 1928. Without us, you would have no bread, no cheese and no beer.

Seriously, there would be no beer.

Also, we make great medicines. High cholesterol? We can fix that. Overactive immune system? We’re on that too.

Did I mention the beer?

"Living in a world without mushwooms would make me sad. Teddy too!"

While I admit that my interaction with Larry has opened my eyes to the fact that not all spores are beneficial, I still think we deserve props for all the awesome things we do. As a matter of fact, there’s one more thing that fungi do for you, and that’s review movies.

So in summation spores and Sporefans, Mortuary is a fun film worth watching. The human actors in the movie are quite good and I guess I can forgive Tobe Hooper, Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch for their fungal indiscretions... this time. The only thing that strikes my ire, Sporefans, is that jerk Larry; a fungus whose lame weakness was an aversion to salt. What a ridiculous inaccuracy! Many of us are tasty with a well portioned dose of salt! We don’t melt and...

Actually... ZOMBIES! Come hither... I need you to make a special delivery!

See you next time Sporefans.

Dead Snow

Welcome back Sporefans. This week we've got a real treat for you. We're going to take a break from reviewing movies to look at one of the best places in the world to visit: Norway! No, not Snorway; Norway!

Norway is located in Northern Europe, near Russia, Finland and Sweden. Its just a quick hop across the North sea to Great Britain; you know... that place where they film Garth Marenghi's Darkplace and The Wrong Door. Norway was once the home to Vikings, who sailed the seas in search of loot and people to kill. Norway is also home to many beautiful fjords. No fjords, not fnords. In short, Norway is a beautiful country full of interesting and welcoming peoples.

But Norway is not without danger.

Norway is home to a special variety of vicious creature. Its a real "you got chocolate in my peanut butter","no, you got peanut butter in my chocolate" kind of monster, for Norway is home to the dreaded Nazi Zombie. No, these aren't just zombies who will eat your brains, or Nazis looking for the lost Ark of the Covenant, but Nazis who died and became zombies!

In the snow, no less.














How do I know this? Well I recently finished watching the film Død snø, or Dead Snow in English. Its nice to watch something good once in a while, so I decided to turn off the Chiller channel and watch something on the IFC's On-Demand service. From what I understand movies on IFC are all documentaries, or based on true events. That's why there are always documentaries on IFC whenever I check out their programming in the evening.








Are we evil enough? Are we?


Wait, what? I'm sorry Sporefans but I've just been informed that IFC actually stands for the "Independent Film Channel" and that they have other things on the channel that aren't documentaries. I just assumed that all the stuff that wasn't in English was a documentary. So... I guess that this means that Dead Snow might not be a documentary.

But then again, it might be.













Who's to say that Norway doesn't have an Olympic zombie slaying team?


Dead Snow is a Norwegian film which was recently released in two, count 'em, two theaters in the United States as well as on the IFC's On Demand program which allows home viewers to watch a movie at the same time its released in theaters. I could have traveled to New York to see Dead Snow, but my lazy butt decided to stay at home and watch from the comfort of my cozy chair.

The movie takes place in the mountains of Norway where a group of medical students have come to a cabin for Easter break. The cabin is owned by Sara (played by Ane Dahl Torp), who makes a brief appearance at the beginning of the movie right before she gets eaten by Nazi zombies. Sara is the only member of the group that had decided to walk across the mountains in the dark to reach the cabin. I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of ways to die at night in the mountains of Norway, but being eaten by Nazi zombies was probably not on her list of hazards.










Do you think this gold might be the stolen Nazi zombie gold?

Nah! Let's take it! What could possibly go wrong?


The rest of the group elect a safer mode of transportation to the mountainous cabin: by car. In the daytime. That seems like a better method of transportation to me, especially from the comfort of my comfy chair. The group is composed of Martin, the med school student who is afraid of blood (played by Vegar Hoel), Hanna, Martin's girlfriend (played by Charlotte Frogner), Vergard who is Sara's boyfriend and the driver of the only snowmobile in the film (played by Lasse Valdal), Roy who is the movie's stock smart ass (played by Stig Frode Henrikson), Erlend the movie nut (plated by Jeppe Laursen), and the girls: Chris (Jenny Skavlan) and Liv (Evy Kassath Røsten).

Now I don't want to get too far into the plot of this movie, but I will say that there are three major events in the film. First, the med-school students are visited by a creepy wanderer (played by Bjørn Sundquist, aren't Norwegian names fun?). The Wanderer (as he is billed on IMDB) warns the students of the dangers of Nazi zombies, then leaves. Then, some people are killed by Nazi zombies. Finally, more people are killed by Nazi zombies. That's all I'm going to tell you.












This is one of Norway's famous machine gun mounted snowmobile soldiers. What do you mean you've never heard of them?


I did learn some interesting things from Dead Snow. For example, if you get trapped in an avalanche you should spit. If you just start trying to dig your way out you could get disoriented and dig in the wrong direction. Spitting will tell you which direction is down, and you should dig away from the spit. This is doubly true if you hock up a giant goober and its all gross and stuff.

Another thing I learned is that if you have access to a snowmobile in Norway you can pretty much Macguyver your way through anything. Need to explore a dark cave? Well you can make a torch out of a tent pole and a rag and dip it into the fuel from the fuel tank. Viola! Instant torch.













This guy is the Nazi zombie Commander. Do zombies even have Commanders?


Did you get bitten on the arm by a Nazi zombie and are you afraid you might turn? Well fear not, you can chop your arm off with a chainsaw and then use more fuel from the snowmobile to heat up some metal and cauterize the wound.

Did you get bitten in the crotch by a Nazi zombie right after you chopped your arm off? Well have no fear, as long as one person is still alive and capable of driving they can run you over with the snow mobile and grant you the sweet release of death.













This guy is having a really, really bad day. Trust me.


You didn't really think I would recommend removing that certain part of a man's body, did you?

No matter how you slice it, Dead Snow is a great zombie movie. There's no shortage of blood and gore, and the movie is pretty funny at times. And if you're really brave, why not take a trip to Norway and check it out for yourself? Just, you know, don't touch any hidden Nazi gold. You never know if the Nazis who hid the gold may come back as zombies to terrorize anyone who takes it.

Just like leprechauns.

You know what? Have a taste. Go on. I think you'll like it.













The review is over... does anyone remember where we parked?

Zombie Strippers

Welcome back Sporefans. This week we've got an extra special pop-review. I did not intend to review this movie, and it was not on the list of movies I had released for upcoming review, but when I saw this movie I knew that I had to review it. I must offer a word of warning concerning this weeks review:

There will be no pictures.

None. Not a one. I can't put up any pictures from this movie, because this week we're reviewing Zombie Strippers starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund. As I have mentioned previously, I don't host adult content or language on this site. (If you want that sort of thing, there's a whole Internet full of it out there just waiting for you. Go on, we'll just wait over here... where its clean.) Seeing as the movie Zombie Strippers is a movie about zombie strippers, I can't very well show you any stills from this movie. About 70% of the scenes involve one or more of the actresses being on screen without clothes. Okay, sometimes they wear shoes, but mostly without clothes.


Odd, there are no pictures, but the captions remain. What could it mean?


Did I mention that this hasn't been released on DVD yet? The only way you can only see this film is in select theaters or on the On-Demand service from cable and satellite providers. I know that some of you are rushing out to the video store now to see if you can pick up this movie, but you might want to wait and let me do the review first. After all, this movie has a plot. You're not just going to watch it for the naked girls.

Or are you?

If you are, then you'll be pleasantly surprised to learn that while Zombie Strippers reeks of production quality not seen since Ed Wood movies, it also contains excellent humor, great direction and superb performances by its cast.

No, not that... actual acting.

The movie is about a genetically engineered virus that turns people into zombies. The major difference in this movie is that women who are infected retain their cognitive abilities. Guys just turn into flesh eating zombies. This is also pretty much what happens to the audience when you watch this film. The following is a typical conversation you might overhear while watching this movie:

Woman: Wow, this movie is actually pretty funny.

Man: Boobies! Whoa! Look at 'em all!!!

Woman: You really are a jerk, you know that?

Man: Huh? Did you say something?

Woman: Yeah. I said, you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

So what do you do when your zombie experiment goes awry as they so often do in these movies? You send in a crack team of Army or Marines or... something... into your top secret government lab to exterminate the zombies. But when one of the soldiers gets infected, he has to escape to the only place around: an illegal strip club. This is where he hangs out until he turns completely into a zombie and decides to nibble on the neck of the star performer Kat (Jenna Jameson).


Wow, if you could only see the picture that I didn't post here. I guess you'll just have to use your imagination. Or watch the movie. That could work too, I guess.


At this point, you are probably wondering why anyone would ever decide to make a zombie virus in the first place. I didn't, but I usually have low expectations for these films. After you've seen thirty or seventy zombie movies, you stop asking these questions. This was a mistake on my part, as it was actually important enough to the movie to get addressed. The explanation in the movie is that if a soldier were killed on the battlefield, they would rise from the dead and continue to fight. Additionally, as the soldier was already dead, they would have no fears; making them the most fearsome warriors who ever thirsted for human blood in the history of warriors who thirsted for human blood.

But what would it do to strippers?

After rising from the dead like Jesus with bazongas, Kat decides it would be a really great idea to get back on stage and take her clothes off again. I mean, once you fall off a horse you need to get right back on it, right? Now that Kat has been freed of any self conscious fears that she might have had when she was alive, she can now take her clothes off better than any woman has ever taken her clothes off before.

To music.

Once Kat becomes the uber-stripper, the men who frequent this illegal night-spot all develop a taste... for zombie strippers. No, I don't mean that they eat her, I mean that living girls can no longer strip to the standards that Kat has set. She's raised the bar, or in a stripper's case raised the pole. No, not that one; the one they dance around! Soon, all the strippers are confronted with a dilemma of slightly less than epic proportions: become a zombie, or give up stripping!

Of course, the decision is easy for the goth chick Lillith (Roxy Saint), who immediately jumps up and asked to be turned into a zombie. Soon Kat has a small cadre of zombie strippers who, after showing off their corpses on stage, take several of the guys to the private rooms for a free show and private dinner. Apparently zombie strippers like to play with their food.

After the girls have finished with dinner, they wind up leaving quite a mess. Enter Robert Englund as Ian, the mysophobic strip club owner who must choose between his revulsion and his greed. Despite his over-riding OCD about being germ free he conspires to lock up the newly made man-zombies and collect a nice cut of the profits from the zombie stripper's shows. He is assisted by former stripper Madame Blavatski (Carmite Levite) and Paco the janitor (Joey Medina), both of which provide some of the funniest moments in the movie.

While this movie was a feast for the eyes it was also a feast for the mind. Writer and director Jay Lee filled the script with both complex and low brow humor for an interesting blend of comedic style and wit . There are plenty of jokes about philosophy: the name of the town the strip club is located in is Sartre, Nebraska and Kat reads from Nietzsche at several points (apparently he makes more sense when you're dead). But the low end humor is also present in the fight sequence close to the end where one of the strippers spins around the pole causing a whirlwind, and Kat uses some billiard balls as projectiles launched from... well lets just call it an incredibly unlikely place. I'm usually disappointed by someone who wears two hats in the production of a movie, by Lee has pulled it off by having, I dunno... what's the word? I use it so rarely around here.

Talent.

It must be talent, as I couldn't be swayed by anything else, could I? In conclusion, if you have to choose between watching Zombie Strippers and spending another evening watching some insipid movie from America's entertainment factory, choose Zombie Strippers. You'll be pleasantly surprised; and then immediately eaten.


No poll this week Sporefans, as blogflux keeps crashing. It has failed me. FAILED!!!

Last time I posted the trailer for Zombie Strippers. This week, have a taste of the opening night of Zombie Strippers as we join the cast at the premiere. Its so exciting, its just like a real Hollywood movie, but without all the undue hype.

Teenage Zombies

Hello again Sporefans. This week we have a quickie review of "Teenage Zombies". This movie was a gift that I recieved from one of The Damned which came in a 2 pack with "Teenagers from Outer Space". From the looks of the 2 pack I deduced that way back in 1959 people feared teenagers. I guess 1959 isn't too different from today in that aspect.















I like how the cover proclaims this movie to be a "cult classic" despite the fact that I've never heard of a cult that revolved around this movie.


Teenage Zombies tells the story of 4 teens, 2 guys and 2 girls, who go boating and explore a small island somewhere in the un-named body of water near the un-named town in some state in the U.S.A. The island happens to be the home of the evil Dr. Myra and her zombie horde. You can tell that she's evil because A) she's an adult and B) she's a brunette in a 1950's B-movie. Also, the zombies are a good hint that's she's up to no good.

Once discovered, Dr. Myra sends her zombies after the teens, and sends some more zombies to steal their boat. Now it should be noted that the zombie horde is only in 1 scene, shot from afar, and are just walking from one place to another on this island. After that, there's only one zombie: Igor. I'd like to tell you more about Igor, to give you a better picture of his hopes, his dreams, and his life before being turned into a zombie; but unfortunately the script just says "Igor: a zombie". Expect this type of depth for the remainder of the movie, in pretty much every aspect you can think of.











Igor: a zombie. Please also note that while the shot is in color, the movie is in the original black and white format. If they touched up the film quality and re-edited the sound this movie could be a piece of crap.


Now, I want to be clear on something. Way back in the day, before the 1968 movie "Night of the Living Dead", most movie zombies were portrayed as people who's mind were blank or controlled. They were not popularly undead until after Romero changed the zombie movie genre. Another great example of zombies pre-Romero was the 1941 movie "King of the Zombies", which I should review sometime. So the zombies of "Teenage Zombies" are not dead, they're just brainless. But why would anyone want to make people brainless? Why?

Because they're Un-American. That's why!

It seems that Dr. Myra is working for some foreign power who wants to take over the U.S. by making everyone mindless slaves. They commission Dr. Myra to develop some type of nerve gas pellets that make people into zombies. The pellets prove untrustworthy, but when they do work they make someone into a permanent zombie, like Igor. When the agents from the evil government show up and demand results, Dr. Myra suggests that they use a gas agent instead. The gas would make more people into zombies, but could be counter-acted if a skilled chemist got a hold of it. Which is good, because no one in 1959 would sit through the movie if the teenagers were made into permanent zombie slaves of a foreign power.

At this point there's a quick cut to some government men talking of government things. Things like, "Hey, did you know that there's some zombie making doctor planning on taking over America somewhere in the Mid-West experimenting on teens?" And government man 2 says something like "Yes, but we've no idea where the lab is, so we can do nothing. The only thing we can do is prepare for the worst. Maybe we could save 20% of the population." Don't worry, you never see these guys again in the movie. I don't even know why this scene was here. Its probably some statement about impotentce, but only Jerry Warren knows for sure, and he probably took that secret to the grave with him in 1988.

Anyhoo, Dr. Myra, with 4 teens in her custody and while being pressured to test this new gas by the evil agents, decides to test the new zombie gas on... a gorilla. Yeah. Once the gas hits the angry ape, its bedtime for Bonzo. Meanwhile, the 2 guys escape from their cage. Using their limited brain capabilities, they somehow convince the girls (who are in a separate cage) that staying locked up in the evil science lab is a good idea. Then the "two yout's" go out and try to find their boat. The one they already looked for and couldn't find earlier in the movie. Good job guys.

Just before dawn, team brainiac decides it "sure would be a swell idea, gosh golly to build a raft" and escape from the island on it. Using some crap that they found on the beach and some twine, they kind of, sort of, fashion something that might be a raft if you worked on it with some real materials for 4-5 hours. Then they hide their shame in the weeds and head back to their cage, before Igor figures out that they're gone. It really says something that these two fear being outwitted by a brainless zombie.

So, eventually, the girls get turned into zombies. There's some fighting, some shooting, and somebody dies. The counter-zombie formula is found a few minutes later and the girls are normal again. So much for the teenage zombie aspect of teenage zombies. Eventually, the gorilla finds some of the anti-zombie formula and goes ape on everyone.

I can feel your pain, you know. Your sweet, sweet pain.

The teens escape back to the mainland and turn in the evil Dr. Myra and the only living agent left, and then, completely un-scarred from their ordeal, dash to the car parked out front and drive away to go horseback riding.

So ends the flat, unsurprising tale of "Teenage Zombies". I'd say that there was a surprising lack of teenage zombies in this movie, but after the lack of vampires in "The Malibu Beach Vampires" this doesn't seem so bad by comparison. If you're looking for a nice, safe, tame movie, this is the one for you. This movie is about as scary as a bowl of plain, butterless mashed potatoes. If you've got the time to watch this movie, you'd be better off getting an extra 73 minutes of sleep instead.

Zombie Honeymoon

"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage,that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam..." (The Impressive Clergyman from "The Princess Bride"). And yes, mawage er, I mean marriage is the focal point of today's review, because today we're reviewing "Zombie Honeymoon".









To be honest, I was as surprised by the quality of this film as I was with the outcome of "Hood of the Living Dead". But where Hood was a total disappointment, Zombie Honeymoon was unexpectedly good. This was even more surprising given that Honeymoon was a Showtime production. After looking over the back cover of the DVD and seeing the "Showtime" label, I expected 83 minutes bad plot focusing on putting as much nudity and gore on screen as possible. Not that there's anything wrong with nudity and gore, but a good plot helps keep a movie together. And while there is some nudity and lots of gore, it doesn't detract from the fact that this movie is in fact, a tale of love.

With zombies.




The newlyweds, Danny and Denise. Don't they look like nice people?






This movie brought up several questions with the Spored to Death viewing audience. I do have a "staff" of sorts. Mostly these are the people I subject these bad movies to on a regular basis. You, the proud and tortured few, have the right to be part of the Spored to Death publishing experience. Also, consider yourselves permanent interns, as I have no way to pay any of you. Although, on second thought, the word "intern" has such ugly implications. I much prefer a different, though less politically correct term.

Think of yourselves as "minions".

The most prominent question of the night posed by my minions was this: If you were just married and your husband was attacked by a zombie and developed an insatiable craving for human flesh, would you stand by your man? According to this movie, yes, you would. Also of note are the following questions:

If you are attacked by a zombie and are turning, would you be able to avoid eating your wife because of the strong bonds of love that you feel for her?

Do vegan's make good zombies?

Can a zombie vegan still get sick from eating a steak?




For the record, vegan zombies who eat a cooked steak do still get sick. And it ain't pretty.





Can you do the horizontal mambo with a zombie husband?

Can a zombie who's turning cover up their newly acquired eating habits?





Caught red handed.






Can you ever really hide anything from your wife? Like that flesh eating addiction you're trying to deal with.




"Honey, I think I may have a problem."




So as you may have guessed, our young couple Danny and Denise who are played by Graham Sibley and Tracy Coogan, run into a bit of zombie trouble on their honeymoon. Once Danny has unwillingly ingested the goopy blood of the undead, he dies and suddenly comes back to life. That'll teach a young couple not to lie on a beach in New Jersey while minding their own business!






Never sleep on the beach in New Jersey. You'd know that if you weren't too busy sunning yourself on "The O.C."







The movie goes on as Danny slowly learns that he may have an eating addiction. It seems he can't stop his insatiable hunger for human flesh. Danny and Denise try to plan on having a normal life, or at least getting through the honeymoon before Danny goes to pieces, but things always seem to go awry when the walking dead are involved.





Danny experiences withdrawal symptoms.






Denise contemplates counseling, while Danny contemplates what a marriage councilor tastes like.



In the end, Zombie Honeymoon is a surprisingly good take on the zombie genre. It presents a few interesting twists on an old concept. As Danny changes, he manages to keep most of his humanity throughout the movie, but in the end is overcome by the zombie in him. The movie also presents Danny's flesh eating in a way that alludes to someone with a drug problem. The movie does have a few touching moments as Danny battles his addiction, but these moments are usually covered in gore and slime, so they're hard to spot amidst all the other scenes full of gore and slime.

Even though you know before the movie starts that things are going to end badly, you almost feel bad for Danny and Denise as they inevitably fall from being happy newlyweds to a single gore soaked survivor weeping next to a pile of gooey body parts. Which brings us to the last and probably most pertinent question this movie has to offer.

Who the hell goes on their honeymoon in New Jersey?"

Hood of the Living Dead

Zombies are, without a doubt, one of the most frequently used antagonists in horror movie history. Because of the versatility of the zombie horde, there are almost an infinite number of possibilities when it comes to creating the setup for a zombie movie. Zombies in England. Zombies in a logging camp. Zombies in space (hmmm… looks like a good candidate for a future review). And now, zombies in the hood.

Sort of.

You see, while “Hood of the Living Dead” is set in Oakland, California; it was most definitely not shot in Oakland, California. The most likely reason would be that shooting in Oakland would result in a shooting in Oakland. Unfortunately, the makers of “Hood” didn’t really try to mask their location change, which results in about half of the flaws that this movie has. The other half of the flaws can be blamed on the actors in this sad little satire, who appear to have had one acting class between the lot of them.

Lets take a look at a few of the revealing mistakes in "Hood of the Zombies".
















What a nice, well manicured lawn you have there neighbor. The rose bushes in the front are a nice touch.

















Grieving over the death of his brother, Ricky pours himself a drink, but what's this?!?!

















Is that a bottle of Belvedere Vodka I see? A 750ml bottle averages about $29.95 according to the Virgina Department of Alcoholic beverage control. That's more expensive than the crap I usually drink!

OK, on a side note, I've never actually been to Oakland. But seriously, this can't be it. Its just too, well... nice.

As you might expect from a movie with heavy gansta overtones, Hood of the Living Dead uses the F-word. A lot. In fact, I think that ¼ pf the entire script might be comprised of that one word. There was some debate as to whether or not we should have counted the number of times that it was used in the film, but we would have never been able to tally the number by the time this review was due to be published. But to put it in perspective, it easily rivals Blue Velvet for frequent use of that specific word.



Behold the wonders of the lab. Can you believe this is where science finally learned how to cheat death?

What do you mean "No"?




But unlike Blue Velvet, this movie is neither an artistic vision nor full of nudity. In fact, there is only one female character in Hood and she lives for approximately 20 seconds. So, yeah, it’s a total sausage fest.

If you’re looking for a tour-de-force, look somewhere else. Want something that looks like a Romero movie? Well, this movie has a guy named Romero, and there are zombies in it. That’s about where the similarity ends. The zombies don’t destroy the world. Actually they don’t even take over the hood. The zombies are more of a pesky problem than a world wide threat. They die when shot in the heart instead of the head, which actually makes them easier to kill. Come on, center mass is always an easier target than a head shot. Plus, as the hood is full of gansta types, there are guns everywhere. Given these two conditions, getting rid of the zombie threat should be about as challenging as farting after eating a bowl of Wendy‘s chili. But somehow the zombies keep not getting shot in the heart. Is it really that hard to shoot a guy in the center of his chest from 10 feet away?





At least the zombie effects are good. Gore and guts all present.






This movie was a real let down. It could have been so much more. It could have either tried to be better and have taken the high road, or it could have tried to be campier and take the low road. Actually, I think the low road was probably the only option this movie realistically had. But it looks like someone had a good idea, but only made a half hearted attempt in the execution. I could even forgive the amateur acting if the script had something going for it, but its as flat and tepid as a bottle of Colt 45 taped to a guy’s hands who passed out half way through a game of Edward Forty Hands. Sadly missing is any sort of drive by shooting on a group of zombies. There is a drive by, but the target is sadly living prior to being shot. Sadly, this movie is like the sleeping participant in a drinking game. Disappointing.

But at least the movie doesn’t smell like pee.