Congratulations on your promotions.
The rest of you may now know the torments that they suffered as it is chronicled here in this review. May Cthulhu have mercy upon our twisted souls. I will now write the rest of this review while listening to some mood music, which you can listen to here.
Tune in Sporefans, cause its gonna get nice and heavy.
After all the pain waivers were signed, our magical journey into the heart of darkness began with a rousing, extended version of that 1965 classic song, "Beach Blanket Bingo". Whilst we were made to listen to this remixed 60's surf diddy, our ocular nerves were assaulted with the introduction to the night's viewing entertainment, "The Malibu Beach Vampires". We were made horrifyingly aware that certain actors and actresses, if they could be called as such, were to portray a bevy of original characters such as "Christina Walker as the Chairperson, Malibu Vampires, Inc", "Rod Sweitzer as Colonel Oliver West", Francis Creighton as Rev. Fakker" and lets not forget "Cherie Romans as the Girl who failed her S.A.T.".
There is no caption in the world that could make this image any better than it already is.
All this was accomplished as scenes of 4 girls in bikinis danced badly in a badly choreographed dance number on a beach somewhere that was probably not Malibu. We were also treated to several shots of seagulls and a passer-by or two on the beach which was then intermixed with the four twits playing air guitar and performing the monster mash so the editor could pad out the insipid number.
After about 11 or 12 minutes of this, we were treated to some dialogue between one of the vampires and someone that might have been Colonel West, as the flimsy premise for the movie is revealed. The Malibu Beach Vampires have come up from the underworld, not to drink the blood of humans, but to inject corrupt people with truth serum from their fangs, forcing them to tell the truth or die. At this point the sexually harassed vampire bares her fangs at West, as seen below.
Sexy.
The sight of these "venomous" fangs does nothing to stop West's lust for the vampire girl, and the two proceed to make out on the beach.
The plot eventually shifts over to Rev. Fakker and his wife Pammy Faye, whose television church appears to be in a converted dance studio. And by "converted" I mean that they threw a curtain over one of the mirrored walls, and only one wall. A second musical number is doled out by the Fakker dance squad for no apparent reason. After the number draws to a well needed close, the Reverend Fakker brings out a "cripple" in a wheelchair so that he might proceed with some of his good ol' fashioned faith healing.
Did I mention the cripple was wearing tap shoes and couldn't keep his legs still for the entire scene? I didn't? Did I also mention that the tap dancing cripple who couldn't play a cripple and had no speaking lines in the movie was the best actor in the entire production?
After this tap number, the plot gets a little hazy. There are some girls time sharing with Reverend Fakker who have some sort of scene where they discuss their dreams. The blonde one... oh wait... the blonde one with the curly hair reveals that she wants to be just like Cher, hence the name of her character "Wannabe Cher". At that point, the film editor decided that he wanted to do something classy and special to inform the audience that the following clip was intended as a dream sequence.
So he used a star wipe.
Somehow, in Wannabe Cher's dream sequence (which is supposed occur while she is speaking to the two other girls and therefore conscious) Wannabe Cher is attacked by a vampire and is forced to fend off the beast with her award, which is most definitely a lamp of some sort. I must commend the actress ability to portray a girl so stupid that her own daydream becomes a nightmare. Its almost as if it came naturally to her.
I love how this "award" has a bunch of wires in its hollow base.
After the Night-daydream-mare sequence, the plot completely goes down the crapper, as bits of a mock Oliver North-like trial are interspersed with a plot about a corrupt politician and more segments from the Reverend Fakker.
The movie was obviously trying to make some political statement. Unfortunately, the only statement that the Damned and I could interpret from this movie is that "Corruption is bad". There are scene's which allude to some conspiracy between the Reverend Fakker, Colonel West and the politician, but the movie never explains how the three "bad men" are in cahoots to hide the Colonel's use of CIA money to buy bikinis. The movie also sends mixed messages about how the men's corruption is inherently evil, as they are all obviously guilty of having extramarital affairs, and yet are constantly surrounded by vampires and women in bikinis having a good time.
Another great feature of this vampire movie is the extreme lack of vampires. The movie centers mostly around badly written scenes that allude to some acts of corruption, with some occasional extra crap thrown in for filler. We spent most of the movie trying to figure out what was going on, as the scenes shifted from one storyline to another, frequently re-using actors and actresses to play new parts or possibly the same part at a much different time. There was little delineation between scenes that were actually occurring and scenes that occurred in the character's vast and empty minds.
Reverend Fakker and "Little Vlad" share a moment.
Speaking of scenes, there were about 3 main sets for the most of the movie. The beach, the Fakker television chapel/dance studio and the trial/speech areas that were shot against a black cloth backdrop, most likely a high school or community college auditorium. The rest of the scenes were shot in the cast and crew's homes, including one one living room shot and two bedroom shots.
I'm sorry, there was one other location. It was supposed to be a walk in closet. Unfortunately, no one in the production owned a walk in closet, so they just filmed the scene in a regular closet and had the girls walk into it. I guess the budget didn't allow for a script doctor, which is of little consequence as they would have needed a script mortician instead. With a little work, they might have been able to pull off a closed casket funeral.
So, as the Damned and I watched the numbers slowly increase on the front of my DVR, hinting at our eventual release from this vile garbage that assaulted our minds, a wondrous and humorous event occurred on the screen.
At 1 hour, 7 minutes and 49 seconds, someone was finally bitten by a vampire.
While it is technically true that Colonel West was "bitten" by a vampire, it was done accidentally... while they were making out. What we were witnessing at 1 hour, 7 minutes and 49 seconds was a true bite, full of intent and as vicious as 2 years of high school acting could produce. Could this be? Could the movie actually develop a plot and save itself ever so slightly from the murky depths it had plunged to?
To my amazement, the credits rolled at 1 hour, 10 minutes and 35 seconds. And with that, "The Malibu Beach Vampires" sank to the bottom of the murky depths of the motion picture toilet were it so belonged. Unfortunately for me, my copy of "The Malibu Beach Vampires" didn't fit down the toilet so well, and all I got for my trouble was a wet floor and a bill from the plumber.
The horror. The Horror.
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