Godzilla's Revenge

Another exiting review of Kaiju action awaits you here Sporefans. Today's fantastic movie is one that I remember back from when I was a wee spore traveling on motes of dust before the right combination of moisture and humidity allowed me to bloom into the slimy mass that you have all come to know and love. Yes, strap on your way back machines and dial all the way back to 1969 because today's film is none other than "Godzilla's Revenge"!



















Godzilla is back for revenge for... uh...


For those of you who have never seen Godzilla's Revenge, its one of the Showa series of Godzilla movies and was released with the specific purpose of appealing to small children. The movie revolves around Ichiro Miki, an elementary school student who spends most of his time daydreaming about monster island... that is, when he's not getting the snot kicked out of him at school.











"Remember Ichiro, you can never tell your friends about me, or I'll have to kill them. Uh-yup!"


Ichiro gets away with his idolatry because his parents both work to support him and can't spend much time with him. Looks like being poor hasn't changed much in the last 40 years. Because they both spend so much time working, they enlist a toymaker by the name of Shinpei Inami who lives nearby to keep an eye on Ichiro.

He, uh, works out of the home.

You might recognize Shinpei, because he's played by Eisei Amamoto, better known to you Sporefans as "Dr. Who" in "King Kong Escapes". Luckily, Eisei doesn't get as many close ups in this movie, so you don't get to see how bad Toho's dental plan is. This guy's lower jaw makes Chris Benoit's teeth look good by comparison.















Shinpei: Remember to floss Ichiro, or you'll wind up looking like this.
Ichiro: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, HOW DO YOU CHEW?!?!


As the movie continues, Ichiro uses a contraption made of vacuum tubes and bits of wire and circuitry as his "radio" to monster island, where he speaks to Minya (or Minilla), better known to Americans as "baby Godzilla". The two commiserate on such things as how they both get the snot beat out of them by bullies, and by a sheer act of coincidence, the bullies seem to have the same name: Gabara.

Of course there are some key differences between the two Gabaras. One is a mean elementary school student who bullies Ichiro. The other Gabara is a 170 meter tall green dog looking monster standing on its hind legs with a bright red mohawk and sounds like a giraffe giving its mating call while being put through a blender.

Other than that, they're identical.















Gabara prepares to take Ichiro's lunch money, or crush Minilla, I forget which.


Things seem to be progressing well for Ichiro as he shambles through his life drifting in and out of his dream world while playing in piles of rubble and collecting bits of wire and broken electronics to upgrade his "radio". That is until one day when Ichiro is shifting through a pile of other people's discarded crap, he finds a small card. With his attachment to reality already tenous at best, Ichiro believes that he has found a credit card and can use it to purchase wonderful, wonderful toys. Unfortunately, the card is actually the driver's liscense of a local bank robber, who believes that this small piece of circumstancial evidence will lead the cops right to their hideout.

Man, he should really watch more "Law and Order".

So begins the quest of the bank robbers to recover the stolen driver's liscense, kidnap Ichiro and continue to be the best darn bad guys they can be. Which is pretty sad, actually.















Ichiro: Look at me! I'm just like Godzilla!
Bank Robber: Hey kid, you remember that gun I have...


All things considered, this is a wonderful Kaiju movie full of giant monster fighting. Fans who are waiting for the giant monsters to ravage Tokyo will be disappointed, however, as most of the monster fighting takes place on monster island. Well, actually, in Ichiro's head, but you get the idea. There are a lot of monsters making cameo appearances in this movie, like Gorosaurus, Manda, Kamakiras and Kumonga.

Keep in mind that this movie is aimed at children. If you're expecting a great plot with well developed characters, you're out of luck. But then again, why would you be watching movies like this one for the plot? Sadly, there's no one as interesting as Madame X or Dr. Who in this movie, just a couple of Japanese bank robbers and a small bully.

If you're a Godzilla fan from way back when, then you'll love this movie purely for its nostalgia value. If you're not a Godzilla fan, then you probably won't get this movie.

Unless you're between the ages of 5 and 8, in which case you'll totally love this movie, and you shouldn't be reading my reviews.

Shame on you, I'm telling your parents. I bet they'll be mad.

Blogger Beta Recent Comments in sidebar

For anyone who wants to know how to put a "recent comments" section in your sidebar, check out the instructions I found here.

Basically you create a page element of the "feed" type with a feed to the comments of your own blog. It sounds incredibly hard, but its super easy. Thanks to the guys over at Hackosphere for this tip.

King Kong Escapes

KAIJU! Big monsters! Yes, due to a recent influx of giant monster movies into my collection, the next few reviews will deal with giant monster battles! This week's review is "King Kong Escapes", a 1967 film by the legendary Ishiro Honda. Many will recognize Honda as the man behind the original movie "Godzilla: King of the Monsters" and most of the movies in the Showa series of Godzilla (second place for director of most Showa series movies goes to Jun Fukuda, I believe).






Kwality movies.
















Fans of Kaiju will note that Kong has been scaled back from his last movie where he battled Godzilla. This version of Kong is closer to his original size at 60 ft. in height. Kong had to get pumped up, probably with a bunch of monkey roids, to deal with Godzilla's immense 150ft. stature. Also at 60 ft. tall is the new MechaKong, the monkey version of Mechagodzilla, but with no lasers or missiles which makes him kind of lame by comparison.

For a Kaiju movie, this isn't so bad. If you're not a fan of Kaiju though, get ready for a bumpy ride over this rough plot. I won't ruin the whole thing for you, but here's a brief outline of what you can expect.

The evil Dr. Who, (no not the tardis Dr. Who, the other one) creates the MechaKong, so that he can mine Element X at the North pole. Apparently a horde of elves with jolly little shoes aren't manly enough to dig this incredibly radioactive material out of the ice, so the good doctor, played by the rotten toothed Eisei Amamoto, decided what he needed was a 60 ft. tall robotic monkey. Yeah, that's always how I do my mining on the North Pole. With a giant metal monkey... on ice.
















Dr. Who and Madame X contemplate their glorious and prosperous future after this movie.


The doctor is not alone in his pursuit of Element X, as his "research" is funded by the mysterious Madame Piranha, or Madame X depending on what version you're watching. Madame X, played by Mie Hama, has two amazing powers that she uses throughout the movie. The first is the ability to turn Dr. Who into a snivelling pile of pseudo-scientific snot by threatening to cut his funding. The second is the ability to change her clothing after every freakin' scene in the movie. Madame X is rarely in the same costume twice when she's on screen. Apparently the mysterious country that Madame X represents gave her a budget that afforded her great clothing but she would have to buy surplus and defective parts for her giant monkey robot.

When the Mecha monkey fails because someone forgot to shield the circuits from electromagnetic waves, Madame X and Dr. Who hatch a plot to use the real Kong to dig up Element X. Unfortunately for Kong, he's recently encountered his only weakness: blondes. Kong has a run in with Lieutenant Susan Watson, a crew member on a U.N. submarine, along with her two flunkies Commander Carl Nelson and Lt. Commander Jiro Nomura. Once smitten, Kong pretty much does whatever Watson tells him to, making Watson the number one commodity in this movie.
















Hey baby, you look like Kong bait to me!


If you're looking for a movie with a few great Kaiju battles, this one does have a couple. The Kong suit is noticably flawed, as the eyes and mouth have very little mobility when compared to some of the other monsters. Even MechaKong looks better by comparison, despite not having eyelids... or even eyes. Its really bad when the Gorosaurus suit, which looks like an old man version of Godzilla comes out looking better than your lead monster.

















"I used to be an extra for Godzilla, but look at me now! I got my own role in a movie!" -Gorosaurus, 1967.


The models are all on par with the usual detail that Toho puts into its Kaiju movies. Every little tank and boat looks great, with all the painstaking detail that an anal-retentive Japanese model maker can muster. Most of the detail work usually gets destroyed in about 2 seconds, but Kong Escapes has an unusually low amount of property destruction, most of which occurs to the Tokyo Tower.

















Kong's face isn't just frozen because this is a picture. This is pretty much his entire range of physical expression. Can't even open his mouth to complain.


If you've got some time to kill and love giant monsters, King Kong will satisfy all but the most rabid of Kaiju fans. Even if you don't like Kaiju monsters, the great plot and original characters...

Umm... Hmm...

Well anyway, King Kong escapes is a fun movie. Watching it is entertaining, even if its for all the wrong reasons.

House IV: The Repossession

OK, so enough with the zombies. I'm all zombied out right now. Time to move on to something different. So this week, we're changing gears and going with the haunted house motif. What should I review? Lets see… There's "The Amityville Horror"…. Nah, budget's too big. There's "The House on Haunted Hill"… no, too classy. We need something a little more terrible. Something more along the lines of what you Sporefans would expect.

Lets review "House 4" also known as "House 4: The Repossession" in England! That's a great movie!







Stop Crying.










In 1992, Lewis Abernathy decided to subject viewers to another installment in the "House" movie series, and I don't mean the one with Hugh Laurie as a doctor. No, I'm talking about a series of movies that started in 1986 which was about a house where every door opened into another dimension. Its of the quality that you would expect having Lewis Abernathy, the author and main screenwriter of "Deep Star Six" at the helm of this picture.

House 4 takes place in a house in the middle of nowhere. Seriously, it appears that someone constructed a run down house somewhere in the middle of the Mojave. This is incredibly strange as William Katt (whom some of you may recognize as "The Greatest American Hero") reprises his role from the first movie; where he moves into his aunt's haunted house where his son had disappeared a few years before. In this movie Roger Cobb (Katt) takes his family to visit his father's old house, which is also apparently haunted. The movie starts with Roger and his new family leaving the haunted house and telling his step-brother Burke that the house is not up for sale.

Now, you've got to ask yourself "Why are they leaving the creepy old house in the beginning of the movie?" Well, the great part of playing Roger Cobb is that you only have to be in the first 15 minutes of this stinker. Then you die in a horrible car accident that results in your charred corpse being taken off life support. Unfortunately even though this movie dies pretty quickly, no one took it off life support.

So where do we go from here? The movie continues on in the hands of Terri Treas as Roger's wife Kelly, and Melissa Clayton as Roger's now crippled daughter Laurel. Laurel in particular seems strangely positive and chipper after losing her father, her old home and her ability to walk. Add in Denny Dillion, who's probably the most recognizable star in this sad flick as the house keeper/undercover FBI agent and prepare to tape your eyes open while you watch a movie that nose dives from the plateau of mildly entertaining to the hard, rocky plains of disappointment.

Yes, if you're looking for horror, this is not your movie. Sure there's a scene with Kelly Cobb (Terri Treas) taking a shower with the water turning into blood. Unfortunately about the best this movie has to offer is a pizza attacking Kelly before dinner. Yes, a killer pizza is the most frightening moment in this movie and only because of the involvement of a kitchen garbage disposal.

The ridiculous sub plot in this movie involves Burke (played by Scott Burkeholder) trying to buy the house for the local chemical factory so that they can tear it down and bury chemical waste where it once stood. Add in one Native American (Ned Romero), cut one small onion and get him to shed one small tear and you've got yourself a genuine 1980's pro environmental theme. Yay for clearly defined roles of good and evil! You even have Mark Gash portraying the stereotypically toxic antagonist "Mr. Grosso" pressuring Burke to close the deal with his "oozes". Looks like Seth Green isn't the only fan of "Captain Planet".

Stay far away from this movie, Sporefans. Even if you enjoyed the other movies in the House series, this is definitely one to steer clear of.

Post Party Post 06

Much to my amazement, the movies at this year's Halloween party were... good. I mean, mainstream good movies. As we only watched 2 movies that night, lets put them up against each other in a head to head and see which one you Spored to Death fans think is the scarier movie.

First up is Silent Hill. Directed by Christophe Gans, this film is quite possibly the best adaptation of a video game into a movie I've ever seen. Considering some of the competition it doesn't seem that hard to be the best, but this movie pretty much blows away most of the other video game movies I've ever seen. Sorry Uwe, looks like Christophe done knocked you out.















What's causing this reaction? Is it some horrible monster? Or a naked man eating a ham sandwich and writing movie review.



In the other corner we have 28 Days Later. While Silent Hill is all about atmosphere and horrifying monsters that come to get you (albeit very, very slowly), 28 Days Later is up front and in your face with its Zomb... I mean, infected people. The infected run straight after the
characters, and usually quickly. The atmosphere of 28 Days Later isn't quite as creepy as the town of Silent Hill, but what it lacks in setting, it makes up for with scenes of shocking violence.






















"I don't get it. All I did was ask him for a light."


So what will it be Spore fans? Which of these movies is scarier? Will it be the creepy and occasionally violent Silent Hill? Or do you prefer a bit of the old Ultraviolence in 28 Days Later?

Vacation

Sorry Spore fans, but we are on vacation for two weeks. So no review this week. Instead, have a peek at my latest addiction: The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion.







Ooooooh. Pretty.













Sticking with my recent theme, have a zombie.








Next week we'll have a few short reviews on the movies featured at our annual Halloween party. It should be a "unique" experience.

Zombie Honeymoon

"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage,that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam..." (The Impressive Clergyman from "The Princess Bride"). And yes, mawage er, I mean marriage is the focal point of today's review, because today we're reviewing "Zombie Honeymoon".









To be honest, I was as surprised by the quality of this film as I was with the outcome of "Hood of the Living Dead". But where Hood was a total disappointment, Zombie Honeymoon was unexpectedly good. This was even more surprising given that Honeymoon was a Showtime production. After looking over the back cover of the DVD and seeing the "Showtime" label, I expected 83 minutes bad plot focusing on putting as much nudity and gore on screen as possible. Not that there's anything wrong with nudity and gore, but a good plot helps keep a movie together. And while there is some nudity and lots of gore, it doesn't detract from the fact that this movie is in fact, a tale of love.

With zombies.




The newlyweds, Danny and Denise. Don't they look like nice people?






This movie brought up several questions with the Spored to Death viewing audience. I do have a "staff" of sorts. Mostly these are the people I subject these bad movies to on a regular basis. You, the proud and tortured few, have the right to be part of the Spored to Death publishing experience. Also, consider yourselves permanent interns, as I have no way to pay any of you. Although, on second thought, the word "intern" has such ugly implications. I much prefer a different, though less politically correct term.

Think of yourselves as "minions".

The most prominent question of the night posed by my minions was this: If you were just married and your husband was attacked by a zombie and developed an insatiable craving for human flesh, would you stand by your man? According to this movie, yes, you would. Also of note are the following questions:

If you are attacked by a zombie and are turning, would you be able to avoid eating your wife because of the strong bonds of love that you feel for her?

Do vegan's make good zombies?

Can a zombie vegan still get sick from eating a steak?




For the record, vegan zombies who eat a cooked steak do still get sick. And it ain't pretty.





Can you do the horizontal mambo with a zombie husband?

Can a zombie who's turning cover up their newly acquired eating habits?





Caught red handed.






Can you ever really hide anything from your wife? Like that flesh eating addiction you're trying to deal with.




"Honey, I think I may have a problem."




So as you may have guessed, our young couple Danny and Denise who are played by Graham Sibley and Tracy Coogan, run into a bit of zombie trouble on their honeymoon. Once Danny has unwillingly ingested the goopy blood of the undead, he dies and suddenly comes back to life. That'll teach a young couple not to lie on a beach in New Jersey while minding their own business!






Never sleep on the beach in New Jersey. You'd know that if you weren't too busy sunning yourself on "The O.C."







The movie goes on as Danny slowly learns that he may have an eating addiction. It seems he can't stop his insatiable hunger for human flesh. Danny and Denise try to plan on having a normal life, or at least getting through the honeymoon before Danny goes to pieces, but things always seem to go awry when the walking dead are involved.





Danny experiences withdrawal symptoms.






Denise contemplates counseling, while Danny contemplates what a marriage councilor tastes like.



In the end, Zombie Honeymoon is a surprisingly good take on the zombie genre. It presents a few interesting twists on an old concept. As Danny changes, he manages to keep most of his humanity throughout the movie, but in the end is overcome by the zombie in him. The movie also presents Danny's flesh eating in a way that alludes to someone with a drug problem. The movie does have a few touching moments as Danny battles his addiction, but these moments are usually covered in gore and slime, so they're hard to spot amidst all the other scenes full of gore and slime.

Even though you know before the movie starts that things are going to end badly, you almost feel bad for Danny and Denise as they inevitably fall from being happy newlyweds to a single gore soaked survivor weeping next to a pile of gooey body parts. Which brings us to the last and probably most pertinent question this movie has to offer.

Who the hell goes on their honeymoon in New Jersey?"

Hood of the Living Dead

Zombies are, without a doubt, one of the most frequently used antagonists in horror movie history. Because of the versatility of the zombie horde, there are almost an infinite number of possibilities when it comes to creating the setup for a zombie movie. Zombies in England. Zombies in a logging camp. Zombies in space (hmmm… looks like a good candidate for a future review). And now, zombies in the hood.

Sort of.

You see, while “Hood of the Living Dead” is set in Oakland, California; it was most definitely not shot in Oakland, California. The most likely reason would be that shooting in Oakland would result in a shooting in Oakland. Unfortunately, the makers of “Hood” didn’t really try to mask their location change, which results in about half of the flaws that this movie has. The other half of the flaws can be blamed on the actors in this sad little satire, who appear to have had one acting class between the lot of them.

Lets take a look at a few of the revealing mistakes in "Hood of the Zombies".
















What a nice, well manicured lawn you have there neighbor. The rose bushes in the front are a nice touch.

















Grieving over the death of his brother, Ricky pours himself a drink, but what's this?!?!

















Is that a bottle of Belvedere Vodka I see? A 750ml bottle averages about $29.95 according to the Virgina Department of Alcoholic beverage control. That's more expensive than the crap I usually drink!

OK, on a side note, I've never actually been to Oakland. But seriously, this can't be it. Its just too, well... nice.

As you might expect from a movie with heavy gansta overtones, Hood of the Living Dead uses the F-word. A lot. In fact, I think that ¼ pf the entire script might be comprised of that one word. There was some debate as to whether or not we should have counted the number of times that it was used in the film, but we would have never been able to tally the number by the time this review was due to be published. But to put it in perspective, it easily rivals Blue Velvet for frequent use of that specific word.



Behold the wonders of the lab. Can you believe this is where science finally learned how to cheat death?

What do you mean "No"?




But unlike Blue Velvet, this movie is neither an artistic vision nor full of nudity. In fact, there is only one female character in Hood and she lives for approximately 20 seconds. So, yeah, it’s a total sausage fest.

If you’re looking for a tour-de-force, look somewhere else. Want something that looks like a Romero movie? Well, this movie has a guy named Romero, and there are zombies in it. That’s about where the similarity ends. The zombies don’t destroy the world. Actually they don’t even take over the hood. The zombies are more of a pesky problem than a world wide threat. They die when shot in the heart instead of the head, which actually makes them easier to kill. Come on, center mass is always an easier target than a head shot. Plus, as the hood is full of gansta types, there are guns everywhere. Given these two conditions, getting rid of the zombie threat should be about as challenging as farting after eating a bowl of Wendy‘s chili. But somehow the zombies keep not getting shot in the heart. Is it really that hard to shoot a guy in the center of his chest from 10 feet away?





At least the zombie effects are good. Gore and guts all present.






This movie was a real let down. It could have been so much more. It could have either tried to be better and have taken the high road, or it could have tried to be campier and take the low road. Actually, I think the low road was probably the only option this movie realistically had. But it looks like someone had a good idea, but only made a half hearted attempt in the execution. I could even forgive the amateur acting if the script had something going for it, but its as flat and tepid as a bottle of Colt 45 taped to a guy’s hands who passed out half way through a game of Edward Forty Hands. Sadly missing is any sort of drive by shooting on a group of zombies. There is a drive by, but the target is sadly living prior to being shot. Sadly, this movie is like the sleeping participant in a drinking game. Disappointing.

But at least the movie doesn’t smell like pee.

Satan's Little Helper

Video games are a much debated topic these days. Do violent video games cause children to kill? Are children more violent these days due to exposure to violent videogames? Is the Playstation a tool of the devil? We here at Spored to Death publishing feel the answer is a resounding “no”.

A small part is because of research done from statistics gathered from several reputable sources, most notably the US Department of Justice’s Bureau of Statistics, note that as of the latest findings in 2003 (which are the latest findings available) crime rates of violent crimes among children are the lowest they’ve been in years. In fact, the most likely problem caused by children’s fixation on video games of any type are those butt shaped grooves that show up when you sit on a couch too long and the cushions form a permanent dent where your butt has been.

But mostly we figure that kids who emulate video games in real life are just plain stupid.








Which leads us to our next movie, “Satan’s Little Helper”. This movie is the story of Douglass Whooly, also known as Dougie, who is a third grader with an infatuation with his favorite game where you play as “Satan’s helper” and help the lord of darkness spread death and mayhem throughout the world. During Halloween, little Dougie dresses up in his little devil costume and sets out in search of Satan so that he might serve the fallen one. And because this is a horror movie, Dougie does in fact find a guy in an evil looking mask who runs amok in his small town murdering innocent citizens in traditionally amusing horror movie fashion.



For the most part, Satan’s Little Helper is a really good movie. Joshua Annex, who plays the masked villain is brilliant as the silent antagonist. The movie also has a great cast with Katheryn Winnick as Dougie’s older sister Jenna, and Stephen Graham as Alex: the guy Jenna brought home for Halloween. A surprising addition to the cast is Amanda Plummer as a surprisingly sane person, as well as Dougie and Jenna’s mother.

Undoubtedly, the movie’s success rests squarely on the shoulders of Joshua Annex’s performance. The mute masked man beckons, pantomimes and stabs his way silently through this 96 minute flick while providing most of the amusing scenes in the movie. At times the psychopathic killer can seem kind and almost silently empathetic before gutting a guy like a fish and throwing his entrails over the good china on the family table.





Satan prepares to dispense some "treats".







Counterpoint to our charismatically masked villain is Alexander Brickel’s character Dougie, who’s inability to realize that the people being killed horribly in front of him is not a Halloween prank. No, Dougie tags along like crabs on a Congressman, completely oblivious to the violent acts that make up his world. Even when other children his age run screaming as an old woman is hung from her second story window, Dougie gives an emphatic huzzah and thrusts his drool and mucus encrusted thumb skyward in a salute to Satan’s “playful Halloween antics”. Unfortunately, Dougie is a necessary evil, as without his vapid stupidity, Satan would not have his “little helper”. Either that, or it would be a completely “different” type of movie.





Actual quotes from the movie:

"Honey you can wear my old costume from last Halloween."

"But Mom, I can't dress up like a Renaissance slut in front of my new boyfriend!"

Huzzah.







Luckily, the two counterbalance each other on screen enough that Dougie’s presence doesn’t become annoying. In fact, its not until the final third of the movie, after Dougie finally realizes that his masked lord is actually killing people when his father is gutted on the dining room table, that Dougie reaches the height of irritability. Alone, in his room, he kneels down and prays for God’s forgiveness, and pledges to help the lord and Jesus if they would save him and his family from Satan.





Satan and Dougie spend some quality time together talking about drugs, going to college, and the best technique to use if you want to skin a guy feet first.











Less than two minutes later a man in a Jesus costume, which was featured in a shop earlier in the movie, silently beckons for Dougie to leave his house and accompany him into the night. And like a dumbass, Dougie tags along like…well, like crabs on a Senator.

As to not ruin this film for you Spore fans, I’m going to leave you with some traditional cliffhangers. I recommend this movie to all of you, as a surprisingly entertaining horror with some nice comic overtones. But you’ll just have to watch to find out: Will Jenna and Alex have sex before one of them dies? Will Jenna and Alex have sex after one of them dies? Will Amanda Plummer’s character go crazy? Will you see what lies under Satan’s mask? And will Dougie survive the movie to go on to a lucrative career of sorting glass? Watch Satan’s Little Helper to find out the answer to these and many more exciting questions!

Either that or you could spend a few hours playing some violent video games and working on that ass groove in your couch.

Raging Boll

Aparrantly Uwe Boll had a chance to return some of the blows he's taken from critics in the most literal sense possible. Recently, CNN reported that Boll took on 4 of his critics in a boxing match in Canada.

Furthermore, he beat the crap out of all of them.

While all 4 fights each had a hook, the first bout looks to be the zaniest. According to CNN, Richard Kyanka of www.somethingawful.com reportedly took to the ring and announced to the crowd that Boll was a terrorist and that Canada should be held responsible for harboring him. Less than 3 minutes later, Kyanka was unconscious.

The other bouts were slightly less dramatic, as a 17 year old, a man who thought it was a publicity stunt and a guy who brought some fake blood squared off against Boll.

I'm not sure where I fall on this issue. On one hand, Boll represents the bad movie industry that I've come to love, albeit a bit on the high end (ie, he has an actual budget). On the other, I am a critic. So I don't know if I should be rooting for Boll or eating raw eggs and jogging at 4am.

Its a moot point now, as the fight is already past. The stadium is empty and many Canadians now feel as I feel after paying to watch a WWE pay per view with JBL and the Big Show as the main eveny. Besides, in my opinion, there are other fish that need badly need frying.

A Bucket of Blood

In 1959 a newspaper ad claimed that if you brought a bucket of blood to Roger Corman’s “A Bucket of Blood” you would get a free admission. Today, if you tried the same thing, you’d just get arrested. Besides after the river of blood scene from “The Shining”, one bucket of blood doesn’t seem all that shocking. But in 1959!!!

…OK, it still wasn’t that shocking.





I think the plunger really sells the concept on this cover art.








“A Bucket of Blood” is actually a dark comedy about a guy named Walter Paisley who wants to be an “Artist” and get into the “in” crowd of local beat poets and artisans. And also to nail some hot chick. Can I say “nail some hot chick” in a blog and not get censored? If you‘re reading this, I guess I can.

Also, as its a dark comedy and not straight horror, its good for all you kids who aren't really into horror movies.

Now lets be clear, today’s review is about the original 1959 version of “A Bucket of Blood” directed by Roger Corman and written by Charles B. Griffith, not the 1995 version starring Anthony Michael Hall who is better known for his work in numerous 80’s movies as well as the psychic John Smith on the TV series “The Dead Zone”. No, this version of A Bucket of Blood stars the legendary Dick Miller, who’s acting career is longer than the shopping list of a family of 8. Dick’s most recognizable role was Murray Futterman in the 1984 movie “Gremlins”, but Miller has done just about everything. From 1950’s Westerns to the 1986 “hit” movie “Chopping Mall” to voice acting on the current cartoon version of “The Justice League”, Dick’s been just about everywhere in the industry.



Billy, I swear, the Gremilns did it! I swear they did it Billy!










Well except porn. Dick’s never been in porn. Nope, Dick is no where to be found in the porn industry. Anywhere.

Anyway, tiny little green monsters have nothing to do with this blood bucket, as Walter Paisley discovers his talent for sculpting after accidentally stabbing his landlady’s cat. He does try to rescue the cat, which somehow has become stuck in the small space between two walls. He does this by trying to cut a hole in the wall so that the cat can climb out.

Unfortunately for the cat, he tries this with a 12 inch kitchen knife.

While musing about all of the things one could do with a dead cat, Paisley decides to use the clay from his failed sculpting projects to cover up his little mishap. Once the clay hardens (without having to be fired in a kiln I might add) the little tabby becomes a modern work of art, complete with knife.



Man its so... lifelike. Especially how its standing up with a knife lodged in it like that.






This leads Paisley to some fame, and as a result he’s pressured to create more art. Predictably, the next work is a human sculpture. and it follows that Paisley amasses quite a collection. But just like a guy who wears a long overcoat but no pants, Paisley is caught during his first exhibition.




I call it, man with splitting headache.

What? Why are you all moaning? What?






If you think this sounds like a familiar setup, i.e. the loveable loser that no one paid attention to displays a talent that gets him fame, fortune and a shot at the woman of his dreams but makes him a murderer you’re right. Roger Corman and Charles B. Griffith were also responsible for the creation of “Little Shop of Horrors”. Again, the original 1962 version, not the remake from 1986. Corman and Griffith would also go on to produce one of my all time favorite bad movies, “Creature from the Haunted Sea”!

While the murder sequences lack the Hollywood shock comedy that we’ve all been accustomed to seeing, they are given a fairly creepy tone by Paisley’s growing acceptance and eventual eagerness to carry them out as the movie continues. Personally, my favorite scene is when Paisley decides to create “a bust” (the human head kind, not a female chest).

Also somewhat creepy on a personal note is the chase sequence at the end of the movie when Paisley runs through what appears very much like New Brunswick late at night while being pursued by both the police and the apparitions of his victims.

If you get a chance, check out A Bucket of Blood. It’s a classic old horror comedy that really delivers. Except for the bucket of blood part. Its actually more of roasting pan, suitable for chicken or other game, not a bucket at all. Remember kids, when you want a good quality roasting pan, make sure it distributes and reflects heat evenly and can be placed atop two adjacent burners for browning. Thanks to Alton Brown for that tip. But remember kids, a bucket full of blood is not Good Eats.

Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon

Grab your decoder rings Spore fans, today we’re taking a break from our usual horror fare to traipse into the realm of Sci-Fi. OK, so it’s a short trip, as Sci-Fi and horror often cross over each other’s boundaries like European’s well, crossing each other’s national boundaries. Anyway, without further ado, I present "Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon".






Be afraid, er, I mean amazed!








Remember when you were a kid? How things used to be? When you used to come home and plunk yourself down in front of that giant old TV set? You know the one I mean. The 3 foot square box with a 10 inch screen with two huge speakers but without stereo sound. It had two great big knobs, one to turn it on and control the volume, and the other to change the channel. All 3 of them.

Well, if you do remember all this, then you were obviously a child in 1954, and you probably also remember “Rocky Jones, Space Ranger”. Yes, I bet you were adorable, sitting on the floor in your little playtime cowboy hat, sipping Ovaltine through a straw and getting most of it on the floor. Then your Dad would scold you for getting crap all over the carpet. Your Mom would come in and chide your Father for being to rough on you, to which he would respond “In my day, my Father would have slapped the freckles off of my damn face for that!” followed by him adding more ice to his scotch and muttering darkly about how the Commies were out to destroy America.

You remember that? Cause I sure don’t. I was born in the late seventies. Well, for all of us who didn’t get to see Rocky Jones when he was back on TV, we can buy a compilation of his TV episodes melded into movie format and watch the magic.

And by magic, I mean like that trick where you pull your thumb off with your other hand.

Yes, thanks to http://www.oldies.com/, you too can watch the adventures of Rocky, Winky, and little Bobby as they travel “Beyond the Moon”. Enjoy the hijinks as Rocky is forced to take a girl on as a member of the crew! Marvel at the incredible technical effects! Watch as faithful Winky helps Rocky fly the... (what the hell was the spaceships name again? Hang on a second… Gotta remember to take this out in the final copy… crap where did I put it… I know I left that DVD here somewhere… wait, how did it get in the fridge? Oh god, was that milk at some point?!?! How did it get all over the DVD? And why is it green? ) “The Orbit Jet”!


Winky: "Hey Rocky, how do you feel about having a girl on board?"

Rocky: "Well Winky, its a good thing I got my cootie shot."

Winky: "... What is that like the clap or something?"



But watch out! That little scamp Bobby flies off the handle and uses some pretty harsh language! Here’s a warning to the parents at home: tonight, Billy uses the “J” word! And by that I mean “Jeepers!”.

And one last bonus! This great piece of… television history comes with 2 free episodes of the original animated adventures of Superman! And for only $1!!! That’s right! Thanks to my connection at the Dollar Store, I got this movie for One frickin American dollar. That’s 10.9327 Mexican pesos amigo.

Now I understand that due to the limitations of the time, Rocky’s Orbit jet and space station may not look that great. But when you’ve seen 300,000 individually animated Orcs preparing to invade Helm’s Deep, Rocky may seem a bit dated. But as an avid fan of Giant Lizards stomping on Tokyo, I’m not to disappointed.

However, the writing and acting of the time is a bit unbearable. Unless you like old school Sci-Fi shtick, have a high tolerance for the 1950’s concept of Übermensch, or like to drink (that’s how the DVD got into the fridge!); you’ll probably find the characters of Rocky Jones not only dated but a little grating. Unfortunately a mind once expanded can not collapse back to its original shape. Watching Rocky Jones in 2006 is kind of like being a Lovecraftian hero who watches people go to a “normal” church. It just seems too simple and happy after Great Cthulhu has rent your mind in twain.

This also applies to Voltron. Trust me, its not as much fun as when you were 6.

So if you long for a great piece of American Television history, pick up a copy of “Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon!”. Or you could spend your money on porn or booze. Whatever floats your boat.

God Bless America and beware the red menace!

Head to Head!

As part of my objective to make Spored to Death Publishing more interactive, so I can whip you all into a foaming frenzy, I've decided to make a semi regular debate post. This weeks debate stems from an argument I had with min about who's a better actor: Don Frye, from Godzilla: Final Wars or Hulk Hogan star of, among other things, Santa with Muscles.
















Wikipedia entries here for Don Frye and Hulk Hogan, in case you want them.

So who will it be? Frankly I think that Don Frye is the better actor, but I'm probably still traumatized from having seen Hogan wrestle recently. So have at it, and let me know who you think is the superior thespian.

I said "thespian", with a T! Oh, never mind.

Severed

Those of you who read “The Foreign Object” are probably familiar with the setup of a “triple threat match”. For those of you unfamiliar with this concept, its a wrestling match where three opponents compete against each other and only one can be the winner, and is also known as a “three way dance”. And it’s also the perfect analogy for this week’s review.

Lets review the cast of players in our triple threat movie. First, in the blue corner, accompanied by their manager “Faceless Corporate Empire”, wearing flannel and smelling of sweat and tree sap we have “The Lumberjacks”! Also, as a late entry into the Lumberjacks we have the son of the head of the Faceless Corporation, a Shane McMahan clone, if you will.
















As you can see in this photo taken from somewhere in either NorthWest America or Canada, Lumberjacks are often accompanied by Mounties and wild Scandanavian women.


Next up, in the Red corner, wearing the latest camping gear from LL Bean and some cheap hair beads, we have the forest protecting “Eco-Activists”.





In this highly realistic and believeable photo, you can see a hippie, er, Eco-Activist in his native environment... a web page.












Now before I introduce the 3rd entry in our rumble in the woods, I’d like to point out that while this movie sets us up to believe that there’s going to be a high amount of Left and Right sided political tension, there really isn’t. The writers were good about not taking sides between the Loggers and the Activists. The Loggers aren’t portrayed as beer chugging brutes, and the Activists aren’t depicted as crazy tree hugging hippies, although there is some chaining of people to trees. We’ll get into that later. No, the Loggers just want to do their job and the Activists want to protect the environment. Both sides are presented as “good people”.

Unfortunately, the chain of events that leads to the main point of this movie is set off by actions of both parties. You see, the Faceless Corporate Empire decided that it would be a good idea to test their new serum for genetically altering trees. The result is that the trees grow 3 times faster, increasing production, and possible ending clear-cut logging. A small side effect of playing God with the trees is that the trees now produce a thick, red sap that looks an awful lot like blood.

The Activists, not aware of this testing, decide to spike some trees. For those of you not familiar with the practice of spiking trees, its when you ram a railroad spike into a tree to break the chain on a chainsaw. There’s an article on Wikipedia about it here, but you don’t have to read it to realize that breaking the chain on a chainsaw will probably kill someone. In this case, it does… sort of.

So what does all this have to do with our third contender? Does a man-eating tree come to life and start devouring people? No, because the third contender in our triple threat movie is…

...

....

.....













ZOMBIES!!!


Yes, when the mutated tree sap is introduced into the human bloodstream, it makes the human transform into a flesh eating undead zombie. I guess this means that all weapons are legal in this three way dance. To top it all off, Faceless Corporate Empire has declared that this is a cage match, by blocking off all exits to the mountain and patrolling the roads with machine gun armed assault helicopters. Because you know that every faceless logging corporation on the planet has a fleet of machine gun armed assault helicopters with trained soldiers in case the trees get uppity and try to get away from the lumberjacks.

So all the political posturing goes out the window when the zombies come into play. They basically clear the area and run amok, eating lumberjacks and hippies equally. It should be noted that eating the hippies does not make the zombies mellow, and its hard to tell whether or not a zombie has the munchies, what with the already constant craving for human flesh.

The movie goes on with the generic rag-tag bunch of characters that you’ve probably seen in other zombie movies, performing tasks that you’ve probably also seen in other zombie movies. In fact, in the last 3rd of the movie, the survivors of the rag-tag generics make their way into a compound of lumberjacks who make sport of shooting zombies. Those of you who have seen 28 Days Later will notice the striking similarity between this part of the movie and the last part of 28 Days Later when the group comes upon the soldiers. The most notable aspect is the disproportionate number of men to women and the theme where killing zombies and enjoying it reduces a man’s civility as an example of man’s inhumanity to man.

Now, on that last note, I just want to say that killing zombies is not a game and not fun at all. I don’t know where anyone would get and idea like that. Let me spell it out for you, killing zombies should be done with respect, as these were someone’s loved ones, and should not under any circumstance be entertaining or fun.

Nor is it fun under any circumstance to watch a guy chained to a tree get eaten by zombies.

Never ever.

In conclusion, the victory in this triple threat movie goes undoubtedly and completely to the zombies. Neither the burly lumberjacks nor the college educated hippies were a match for the zombie horde. Especially since the zombie horde was comprised of fallen burly lumberjacks and fallen college educated hippies. No, everyone either gets eaten or killed by the Faceless Corporate Empire (the ending is slightly vague, but its implied that the last one left alive gets killed). And just like wrestling, you’re expected to have problems with long term memory. If you still remember this movie in two weeks, then there’s something wrong with you. Obviously you haven’t eaten enough hippies.

Guest post by Esuarez: Chopping mall

This latest post is a guest post by Esuarez, author of The Foreign Object. Enjoy this with your eyemeats.

Chopping Mall -When Killbots go bad at the Sharper Image.















It's every kid's fantasy to get locked up in a toy store for a night. You can shoot basketballs, play video games and create all out toy anarchy. As an adult those urges start dwindle once you learn about trespassing charges and jail time. Apparently, those urges didn't stop the brainacs from the film "Chopping Block" from living the dream and going one step further: breaking into a mall.

Since they are teenagers they are going to do what teenagers would do in a mall. Drink, have sex, Drink some more, have more sex with different partners and ride scooters from the sharper image. The mall in chopping block though is fully prepared for this disastrously teenage menace with a auto security team known as the Protectors a.k.a "The Killbots"!!!!














Now what kind of mall would hire Killbots instead of rent a cops? Well the cool kind featured in this flick. This happened to be the second best mall presented in film behind "Day of the Dead" and "Scenes from a Mall" starring Woody Allen. Of course the Killbots are not able to follow their original programming until they are hit by a strike of lighting. Instead of giving them life like Johnny -Five, the lighting just makes them want to kill. Particularly teenagers drinking and having sex in the sharper image. The Killbot fodder are unable to escape the mall because the security system won't open the large steel doors till sunrise.

What follows is about 50 or so minutes of gruesome deaths and multiple lines of how I don't want to be killed by killer robots. (Heck, what are the robots supposed to do). Now your wondering how can that robot which looks like ROB from the NES kill people? Well it can! and gruesomely, as this clip shows:

http://www.badmovies.org/multimedia/movies6/chopmall1.mpg

Yes the robot was aiming for her butt. That what you get for being half naked in the sharper image. Lesson here is just don't mess with Killbots!!!! Particularly half naked in a Sharper Image.

-Esuarez

"Pieces" or as I call it, "I know what you did with my stolen psych intro textbook!"

Warning! This review is not intended for young or sensitive readers. If you are one of these readers, stop reading now. This review contains Freudian analyses, phallic imagery, jokes about phallic imagery, suggestive phrases, innuendo, sexual innuendo, a possible fart joke and the word "phallus". If any of you are offended by one of these, you are hear by advised to stop reading this review now! The author will not be held accountable for any offense you may have taken due to reading this review, any injuries sustained through trauma relating to reading of this review, or your sense of mortified pride. Speak now and forever hold, oh I'm sorry, or forever hold your piece. Or Pieces.

And with that being said, I am now back in the business. The business of giving you the business. So lets get down to business!

Tonights movie review is "Pieces" released in 1982. At first glance, this movie looks like it was shot in 1972, because the film quality is so washed out and, well, flaccid. Directed by Juan Piquer Simón, and written by Juan, a guy named Dick Randall and finally a guy who decided he wanted to be remembered as "John Shadow" (among other things) , I have to state my honest opinion of this movie.

This movie both sucks and blows!

Now I know what you're thinking. "How can this movie be so bad. Haven't you reviewed movies that are far worse than this?" Well, as a reviewer, I have an obligation. An obligation to bring you the truth. To remain a tall, up thrust pillar of the reviewing community! To remain strong, firm and steady! To retain a rigid reviewing system that can not be deflated by cheap theatrical reviews full of fancily worded phrases that appeal to your baser and darker sides, which might actually help to get me more readers. No, Spore fans, I must remain bold, and present my reviews to the faces of the public, never showing either shame nor indecision while allowing my ideas to flow freely over the masses. Rejoice in awe and stare agape at the naked unyielding truths before you!

I'd just like to take a minute to point out that my reviews are impartial and unyielding, and unlike some other reviewers, I won't compromise my position by accepting money and sullying my reputation with corporate prostitution.

Mostly because no one would pay me.

So how does a movie that both sucks and blows get made? Well, I've given it some thought and I presume that it may have started late one night when one of the 3 aforementioned writers was sitting around their dorm room in college and said something like this:

"Wow man, I was reading about this Freud guy in my psych intro book... OK, so its your book technically, but that's not the point man, let me finish. So this Freud guy says that like, we all want to kill our fathers and sleep with our mothers and, like, your penis is the source of all your psychological dysfu... disinf... problems, and like... hey man don't Bogart that joint! Awww! Anyway, like I was thinking that if people really got messed up like that when they were kids they'd turn out to be some pretty SPORED up adults, and like, they'd be all psycho killers and stuff. And I could so totally make a movie about that, and people'd be all, like, MAN! That movie was SPORED up, and totally crazy... Dude, did you eat the last of the brownies my mom made?"

And out of that terrible morass, "Pieces" was born. Probably. Heh, more ass. (Insert requisite fart joke here... wait, how do you insert a fart?!?!)

To wit, this movie actually presents two separate phallic image ideals. Good and Evil, so to speak. The first is that of the killer, who was traumatized by his mother when he was a child. He is using his chainsaw as a substitute for his phallus and attacking women to steal pieces of their anatomy (hmmm... pozzible sexual identickty confuzion? Yah?). Afterwards he sews them together to create the ultimate woman. Here are a few examples.


Note how the chainsaw is held at crotch height in front of the pelvis.







Again, chainsaw coming out of the crotch.








Has this ever happened to you? You are alone with a man in a trench coat in a elevator when he suddenly opens said trench coat and exposes his chainsaw to you. Phallic. Phallic to the bone!






But does our depraved killer stop there? No! When next we see him, he has penetrated the women's locker room near the college tennis courts.


Literally.







Well, before you go thinking that this movie is a total sausage fest, I'll point out that there is some damn fine acting by Lynda Day George, who plays Mary Riggs, a female, undercover detective/tennis instructor/women's pro tennis champ/older woman love interest. Because there's no sound to go with this picture, I'll fill you in on Mary's compelling narrative. And I quote:



"BASTARD!
BASTARD!!
BASTARD!!!"





On the other side of the tube, we have Kendall (as seen above). Kendall represents all the good things that come from the phallus. Good attributes, like sexual potency, respect, the ability to instantaneously be removed from the list of suspects by a hardened police detective because he likes you despite the fact that you appear in every crime scene in the movie and always have some relation to the girl who was killed. Classic examples, every one!

Sound a little far fetched? Well apparently, Kendall can do no wrong. A 20 year veteran of the police force would stake his life (and the life of Mary Rigg's as well) on it. Also, it appears that Kendall can sleep with any woman on the entire campus at any time. This is made quite apparent as he is doing so throughout most of the movie. How is this possible? How can any one man be the sole sex interest for an entire campus full of young, hormonal college girls? How can he still walk? How is this possible? Can I explain it? Do I have an answer for you?

Yes, as a matter of fact I do! You see...

...

....

.....


Kendall has a magic penis.


Its true! How else can one man satisfy the needs of thousands of women? How can he be at the scene of every crime without arousing suspicion? How does he not get the clap? He must have a magic penis! Its the only logical explanation!

Fortunately, logic has very little to do with "Pieces". For at the very end of the movie, after the killer is revealed and vanquished, we are shown his patchwork creation. With the arms of a dancer, the legs of a tennis player and the body of a swimmer (see? No Logic!), this hideous and rotting corpse puzzle is revealed. And then, for NO APPARANT REASON WHAT-SO-EVER this rotting dead corpse swimmer/tennis player/dancer/mom (he saved the head) comes to life for a brief moment to reveal the shocking twist ending that not even Freud would have dared to film!

You see, while Kendall survives this movie...




















... his magic penis does not.

And the winner is...

Esuarez! Are you surprised? I hope not, because he's the only one who actually bothered to enter this contest. I bet you all thought I was joking about a prize, but there actually is one.

Esuarez will recieve a WWE T-Shirt of the Wrestling star of his choice. Just contact me with the one you want and the size you want it in. See, there was a real prize.

Also, as the only person to enter, Esuarez gets the runner up prize as well. Two prizes! All anyone had to do to get the second prize was enter for Pete's sake. Now Esuarez gets the whole shabang! Here's what the runner up would have recieved:






That's right. Baby cereal. It came in a magazine. They don't call it a booby prize for nothing. Pun and innuendo definately intended. Heh, boobies.

Next week, a new review. For now, weep. Weep in knowing that you have all lost your chance to eat single grain rice flavored cereal! For babies.