The Shadow Walkers

Welcome back Sporefans. Recently we've been on a trend of reviewing bad movies that aren't of the usual ilk, movies that are passable but not good. Today's review will change all that drastically. A movie has come across my field of vision that merits a review of the most acerbic caliber. This week's review is for the 2007 straight to DVD movie "The Shadow Walkers".

If the straight to DVD release didn't clue you in, let me tell you that this movie absolutely sucks. An IMDB reviewer posted this comment about the movie, and claims to have not been able to sit thought the opening sequence, but we here at Spored to Death Publishing are made of sterner stuff. It strikes me as unfair to post a review of a movie without watching it, partially because a reviewer should see the work in its entirety, and partially because I had to sit through the whole stinking mess so why should anyone else get off easy!

Ahem.

But in this case, the fellow at IMDB is correct, this is a terrible movie.

Our movie starts with a montage of people being killed by ugly zombie monster things, and some hardcore metal music. Stuff happens on screen, none of which is important. Eventually several characters wake up in some sort of underground "complex", which is full of space aged tubes... also known as pipes. Get ready for a movie shot completely in the underground heating and storage rooms of other studios. I can only imagine the other movies that are shot on sound stages virtually two stories about this set, as the characters run from garages to rooms filled with steam and pipes, to more garages, to a room full of useless machines to... well, you get the point.
















Grrr.... see that? That's your career dying! Mwahahahahaaa!

To further move things along, most of the characters have no memory of who they are or why they're in this underground complex. The noted exception is the evil scientist who berates everyone else and reveals crucial information about them. Mr. Science reveals that the only way to the surface of the underground complex is to head to the bottom level and then exit through the emergency escape exit.

Let me repeat that: The only way out of the underground complex is to head to the bottom level and then go out the escape tunnel.

Now, I don't know who designed this underground military complex. I don't know if M.C. Escher was brought back from the dead to design military complexes, or if it was some kind of freaky guy with an upside down face. But what I do know is, when you head towards the surface, you typically want to go in a general, you know... UPWARDS direction. Silly me.

"I think we can get out through there. Lets head down."

"Stop trying to look up my dress!"

Unfortunately, the character's quest to defy the simplest of logic is severely hampered by zombies. Well, sort of zombies... Ummm...

This is an excellent opportunity for me to set forth some terminology, which is something I really like to do. It makes me feel all important and stuff. You may recall that I've already coined the phrase "fecal sequel" in my review of Starship Troopers 2. Well, here's another great concept I'm about to put into writing, so get your pens and pencils ready kiddies.

The following is "Spored to Death's rule of perpetually increasing awesomination". When a concept occurs, whether in a good movie or not, and is copied and improved upon by another movie, the concept will be cheapened and craptified on a inversely proportionate scale to its so called improvement.

OK, I know that's a bit wordy, so let me give you an example. "Jaws" was an awesome movie about a giant killer Great White shark. In its sequels, Jaws became bigger, meaner and eventually "psychic" monster (remember how Helen Brody claims that it was the shark's fault that her husband died of a heart attack?).

As time went on, people made faster, meaner and more intelligent sharks, like in the movie "Deep Blue Sea". The further and further the sharks get away from the original concept of Jaws (while still being copies), the lamer the movies become. If you keep adding things to make the killer shark "better" for each new movie, you would eventually wind up with some type of robot shark immune to bullets that shoots torpedoes and has laser beam eyes. Get the picture?

That being said, I have compiled all the data I could on the "creatures" in the movie "The Shadow Walkers" and have some up with the following; which is what I believe to be an accurate description of them. Keep in mind that the original concept that I believe that the creatures are based upon are the zombies from George Romero's original 1968 "Night of the Living Dead".

They dun stole my D.N.A.!!!

The creatures are: Horny genetically-altered alien-human mutated zombie super soldier vampires.

Here's a breakdown of that description. Scientists take alien DNA and inject it into humans, altering them. The mutants retain their intelligence but are reduced to their animistic instincts (these are not my words, that's straight from the movie. I realise that this makes no sense what-so-ever). They posses a heightened sex drive, but replicate by biting the non-infected, and with each new infection comes a new mutation. Also, they're allergic to Ultraviolet light.

As the plot progresses, "Reeve" (Jason Coviello), the security officer has several fights with these super soldier zombies. With a generic heavy metal soundtrack and fight choreography straight from the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, Reeve engages the zombie soldiers in Mortal Kombat. Later on, "Julie" (Jennifer Summers) gets in on the action as she begins changing into a zombie super solider herself.

"So in this scene, we are going to play doctor! Let me just put on my rubber gloves! Oops, could you give me... "a hand"? Aha...ahahaha.....ahahahahahaaaa!!!

Laugh, its funny!"

To see why this movie came out so badly, lets take a look under the hood. To start with, the director is Mark Steven Grove, a man who's most prominent accomplishment was being a stunt man and weapons handler on the 1998 movie "3 Ninja's: High Noon at Mega Mountain". This is not an accomplishment you should proudly list on your resume. This is the type of job that you hide in shame and hope that people don't find out about.

People like me.

People who say things like, "Hey, being a stunt man on a crappy movie sequel trying to wring the last few bucks out of a dying second rate franchise does not qualify you to direct a movie." and "The fact that you were able to make this movie is proof to me that there is no such thing as a just and benevolent higher power." Its a pretty sad thing when the best thing you've ever worked on was a piece of crap, and you can only aspire to be partially as successful on your own project.

Behold the Drama!!!

Next we have the writer, the mysterious Dave Hodel. This is the only thing that Dave has ever written, at least, the only thing that's ever been published in any form. Let's dissect one of my favorite scenes from the movie and I'll show you what I mean.

Throughout "The Shadow Walkers" there is a nerdy looking guy watching monitors of various happenings in the complex. His job, apparently, is to monitor the goings on and to make sure that no one escapes the lock down. At the end of the movie, Reeve and Julie escape from the "bottom" of the underground complex, and the nerdy zombie-voyeur watches through he monitor. He tries to call "General Radler" (Alan Shackelford), but his assistant refuses to put the General on the line. Why?

Because the General is watching T.V., that's why. He's "Very busy and can't be bothered". So Nerd boy runs upstairs with a print out (why does he need a print out to say "They've escaped"?) knocks over some girl carrying a bunch of files, stops to help her and cop a quick feel before grabbing his printout and running to the General's office. At which point, the General's assistant stops nerd boy and tells him once again "The General is very busy and can't be bothered right now." After several attempts to flag the General's attention, he pauses his video of people playing paintball or whatever and says "What's all this about? Can't it wait? I'm very busy!"

Nerd boy explains that the complex has been breached and that the subjects have escaped, to which the General responds "What! Why didn't you tell me earlier!" and scurries out of the room to sick the super zombie soldier prototype after the heroes, which probably means that they were planning on a sequel. Somehow I doubt that's going to happen.

So what's wrong with this scene? Is it the fact that its all transparent and unbelievable? Are we to believe that a military official capable of running a top secret project is going to ignore the guy in charge of making sure nothing goes wrong for "no raisin"? Was this the best Hodel could come up with or did he just get lazy toward the end of his screenplay? Who knows? One thing's for certain though, The Shadow Walkers takes place underground and that's where it should stay: Buried.

Well, I can at least think of some better ways to pass the time:

Hellraiser 3: Hell on film

Welcome back Sporefans! This week we're taking a break from our Shop-Rite movie fest, as we here at Spored to Death publishing have had a chance to watch some classic horror this week. I'm referring to non other than the "Hellraiser" series of movies, and in our case only the first 3.













For those of you unfamiliar with the Hellraiser series, here's a little background information. Hellraiser is a cult movie that has spawned a series of sequels over the years, but the original concept and movie are the work of writer/director/visual artist Clive Barker. Barker endeavored to create a world with its own mythos, much like the work of H.P. Lovecraft.

There are similar themes between Barker and Lovecraft's works. They both allude to a world that exists parallel to our own, full of dark mysteries and wonders; as well as mind rending horrors and fates beyond imagining. Both allow everyday people to access these realms through a series of ritualistic actions. In both mythological paradigms, the beings that inhabit the other realms are beyond the concepts of good and evil; but unlike the ambivalent Lovecraftian elder gods who ignore humanity like a mammoth ignores fleas, the creatures from Barker's imagination take a much more personal and, uh... what's the word I'm looking for...

Sadomasochistic... that's it, a sadomasochistic view toward humanity.








Look at my exposed nipples. Loooooook!


After all, the original title of the movie Hellraiser was "Sadomasochists From Beyond The Grave". This explains all the people wearing leather outfits with exposed nipples. We here at Spored to Death publishing have come up with the following analogy: What if Great Cthulhu wanted to give you a spanking?













Big Daddy Cthulhu.

Creeped out yet? Good.


Hellraiser, and its sequels revolve around creatures from another plane of existence, called Cenobites, who make no distinction between pleasure and pain. The cenobites can only cross over into our world when someone solves a mystical ornate puzzle box which opens the gate between the realms... and usually shoots hooked chains into the person holding the box.














The box!!!


Occasionally a soul that is taken by the centobites escapes back into our realm, and has to reassemble their body by taking the flesh of other people. This usually leads to having someone walking about without their skin on, and all the custodial nightmares you can imagine in a late 80's house with a primarily white interior with skinless inhabitants. Lets see if you can get those bloody footprint stains out of these white heavy shag rugs!








Uh, lady, could you stop bleeding all over my house? Please?


The first movie is written and directed by Clive Barker himself and is the truest representation of his vision... because, you know... he did it. If you've read any of Barker's works, you'll notice the recurrent themes of his writing being skillfully painted on the screen. Barker associates the intense sexual desires of his characters with a lust for life, and juxtaposes this with images of corpses in various forms of decay (usually covered in maggots) which represent the discarded shells which can no longer move as they have lost their desires. Ultimately Barker is stating that appetites and desires are the core essence of life, and the force which moves our bodies. This appetite if properly cultivated can survive even after the body has long decayed, and is the core of each of his otherworldly characters.

Nice and artsy, huh?

In the sequel, Hellbound: Hellraiser 2, most of the ideology is transferred, but the story is pushed in a new direction to give you a glimpse of what lies beyond the realm of human knowledge. The characters are given a chance to explore "Hell", although it is usually not referred to as such in the movie. More of the dynamics of Barker's world are revealed in this movie when the principle laws that bind the centobites and their interactions with the mortals are altered, creating an imbalance which removes most of the protections on the "mortal" realm. Considering that Barker only wrote this movie, and it was directed by Tony Randel, it came out fairly well.

Then Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth happened, and the whole thing became a world of pure dookie.

The movie starts just as the other 2 movies in the series have started, by bringing someone back from the dead. In this case, the person being brought back to "life" is none other that Pinhead, the lead centobite from the first two movies. This is accomplished in much the same fashion as the other movies, where an inanimate object has blood spilled upon it and the soul inside is gradually given flesh as more and more blood and flesh are fed to it.

However, in this instance, for some unknown reason, Pinhead has developed a sort of multiple personality disorder. In this case, physically (or spiritually???) as there is now that man who was once Pinhead who inhabits a realm all of his own and acts upon the dreams of the main character: Joey Summerskill, played by Terry Farrell (more commonly recognized as Jadzia Dax from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. On a quick side note here, the father in the first movie is played by Andrew Robinson, who also winds up on DS9 as Garak. Looks like your only way out of Hell here is to go onto a Star Trek spin off. Whooooooo! Scary! )













That symbiant can't save you from Pinhead!

Moving on, the man who was Pinhead who is now "good" exists as a spirit, and the evil monster that he was is given flesh and is now regarded as his "evil" half. So we're already getting away from the first two movies by labelling two characters as good and evil, a concept that was shied away from (but not completely omitted) from the first two movies.

The movie progresses fairly well until we reach the last third of the film, where Pinhead is given flesh and allowed to walk amongst the residents of our world free of the constrictions of the laws of his own world. Predictably, Pinhead begins killing off people in a local night club, but unlike the previous movies Pinhead attacks in gimmicky, almost comical at times. The DJ is impaled with CD's that fly on their own accord, the bartender who served flaming drinks is set aflame, and the TV cameraman has his head ripped off and a camera shoved on his stump of a neck.

Duh! I'm coming for ya, duuuhhhiiieee!


Now for those of you who haven't seen the first movie in a while, this is actually a 180 for the character Pinhead; because in the first two movies... he's the hero. Er... sort of.

In the first movie Pinhead shows up in time to rescue Kristy (played by Ashley Laurence), the main character of the first two films, from her abuse Uncle Frank who has come back from the dead to sleep with her step-mother and sexually molset her while wearing her Father's skin. Likewise, in the second movie, Pinhead rescues Kristy again from a new Doctor Centobite that ultimately leads to Pinheads somewhat heroic death. So by comparison, Pinhead is not actually the bad guy. But in Hellraiser 3, they decided that it was time that Pinhead just killed a whole lot of people, because bodycount = cash!

Hello Kristy. Its your Uncle Frank. Come to daddy!

Then it gets worse.

As Pinhead pursues Joey to claim the puzzlebox (which must now be given to him voluntarily, for no apparent raisin he takes the corpses of the nightclub victims and transforms them into a new troop of centobites. Unfortunately, unlike the first set of centobites from the previous movies, these centobites are infused with the ironic and peculiar humor of the 1980's!

Now, I don't know what was going through Tony Randal and Peter Atkin's minds when they were writing this screenplay, so I've taken the liberty of writing up what I think happened at the jam session while the two were writing the script. Lets have a look, shall we?

A: "Dude, and then he like totally makes some new centobites, and they're like awesome and stuff!"

B: "Oh yeah, totally. Like the cameraman has, like, a camera eye, and like, totally kills someone with it!"

A: "Awesome! And like, the nightclub guy, could have like pipes in his head. Cause he was all, like, layin' pipe and stuff!"

B: "Dude, no! Pistons! Cause they pump!"

A: "Aw, radical! And like, the bartender who served the flaming drinks, could like breathe fire!"

B: "We need some more dude... lets see, what about the DJ? He could like kill people with sonic waves or something..."

A: "No, no wait! We could totally make him shoot CD's, like in that movie, "I come in Peace". That was totally an awesome movie, dude, you gotta see it."

B: "Yeah. All right. And like, the girl who was, like Joey's friend she could like.... uh..."

A: "Uh... Dude... Uh...."

B: "Well, she smokes, right? She could, I dunno, burn people... with cigarettes..."

A: "Uh... yeah. That really hurts... I guess."

So as this shallow artistic well runs dry in my little sketch, I hope you can see what I mean when I say that they applied the dazzling veneer of the 1980's. Further deliniating from the path, the ending sequence starts with Pinhead and the new centobites chasing Joey down the middle of a crowded street, flinging manhole covers at her and killing off the police and everyone else who gets in their way. This is a pretty far departure from the old Pinhead, who would just make barbed chains fly out from no where and tear you to pieces. No chasing, no games of cat and mouse, you just get ripped apart.

The movie ends when Pinhead tricks Joey into giving her the box, and is re-united with his "better" half. Joey then changes the puzzlebox into its "pointy" configuration and stabs Pinhead in the chest, sending him back to "Hell", as it is now openly referred to.

So what have we learned today children? I know that I've learned that sequels can and usually do exponentially degrade the quality of a story. I've also learned that people without skin make an awful mess, and that you should never play with ancient puzzle boxes... unless your into that sort of thing.

Remember Sporefans, my suffering is legendary, even in Hell, so your's doesn't have to be.

The Mind Snatchers

Welcome back, Sporefans. I have some exciting news. Recently I had the pleasure of acquiring 4 movies from a local Shop-Rite, each for $2.50. So far I have had the pleasure of watching 2 of the 4 movies, and to my total amazement the movies I have seen so far are, for lack of a better term...

Good.

Last time I reviewed "Graduation Day", a somewhat less nostalgic look at the 1980's. In this next review, we'll be covering the 1972 movie "The Happiness Cage" which is probably known more widely by its alternative title, "The Mind Snatchers". At least, that's what my dvd box says.

Hullo. My name is Christpher Walken, and someone has taken my mind. They're gonna pay.


Right off the bat you've got a very young Christopher Walken playing Private James H. Reese, an aggressive soldier who is arrested on an assault charge and has his arm broken by the M.P.'s. He is secretly evaluated by an army doctor who concludes that Reese is Schizophrenic and is a potential candidate for a new and experimental program. Reese is forced to choose between signing a bunch of legal documents without reading them or not receiving treatment for his broken arm.

After Reese unwittingly signs his life away, he is spirited off to a secluded army hospital located in Germany. There he finds Dr. Frederick, played by Joss Ackland, a shady doctor who keeps a lot of monkeys in cages. He also meets his fellow patients, the folksy Sgt. Boford Miles played by Ronny Cox, and a man who can't stop screaming because of the horrible pain he's in. For those of you who don't immediately recognise the name, Ronny Cox portrayed Capt. Edward Jellico in Star Trek the Next Generation, and was also the villainous Vilos Copenhagen in the 1990 movie "Total Recall", as well as Dick Jones the head of Omni-Consumer Products in "Robocop".

Miles informs Reese that everyone at this army hospital is listed as "dying"... all 3 of them. So it shouldn't come as no shock when the guy in the corner who was screaming throughout the beginngin of the movie dies on the operating table. I can think of a few other things that should die on the operating table as well, but I digress. Miles also reveals that he has lung cancer (ITS NOT A TU-MAH!) and is immenently dying. Unfortunately Miles didn't check off the "put my brain into an awesome cyborg body" box on his organ donor's card.












Oh god. They've snatched his mind! And they put it in a robot!


One would think that the doctor was preparing to sntach his patients in the dead of night to cut open their skulls and tinker around in their heads, but the good doctor does something much more insidious than that. He asks Miles nicely, and uses solid logic to persuade him to let the doctor open up his skull and tinker around in his head. I guess vomiting up large amounts of blood makes a man do strange things, as Miles consents to letting the doctor implant electrodes into the pleasure centers of his brain.

Then he gives Miles the button.

Yeah.

Reese is not so easy to convince, especially after seeing the shambling mess that Miles turns into after 18 hours of pressing the "happy button" over and over again all day. Reese trys to escape, but is caught by the army, and is eventually forced to undergo the surgery. Let this be a lesson to you kids, always read what you sign, even if they break your arm to make you sign it.

Otherwise you might wind up with electrodes in your head.

The movie is incredibly well written and the idea that a person's personality can be altered by physically altering the brain is delved into not only scientifically but morally as well. Even if the totallity of a human being's personality is a collection of electrical impulses running through the brain, what right do we have to meddle with the mind? Is it permissable when a person doesn't conform to societal norms? Who dictates what is normal and what isn't?

I mean, just because Christopher Walken plays a violent and disturbed individual in this movie, doesn't mean he's going to continue to play violent disturbed individuals, does it? I mean, its not like he's going to go on to play some type of "King" of New York, or some angry evil headless Hessian soldier, or the angel of death himself? Right?

Oh, I guess those are bad examples. But my point being that If someone tinkered about in Chrisptopher Walken's head and made him into a smiley happy person, that we would be deprived of a great actor and some really great movies.













I need your help! I need you to hide this watch in the only place you can. Find my son!


Remember kids, the moral of today's story is "don't shove electrodes into peoples heads and run micro-electrical impulses into their brain to make them into better people". Its just plain wrong.

Now, drugs on the other hand...

Graduation Day

Welcome back Sporefans! Finals are finally over and with the return of Springtime comes the return of more regular reviews. With my obligations to higher education on hold for the Summer I can concentrate on the lower forms of entertainment that we've all come to love. Let the B-movie reviews commence!

This week's review ties into a pertinent theme, the theme of imminent freedom at the end of a long academic trek. A trek, for some, that is sadly over. But though that journey has come to an end, another journey awaits them. A journey leading to bold new horizons and vast unexplored new worlds. A journey which seeks out and explores the limitless potential of the universe.

...What? Star Trek? No, this isn't a review of a Star Trek movie! This is a review of the 1981 classic "Graduation Day", featuring Vanna White.














I'll take a "B" Pat.


Besides, I'm saving a Star Trek movie for a future review.

Moving on, some movies are timeless. At any point in your life you can sit down and watch this movie and it will still have the same impact that it did the first time you saw it. For example, in 1979 Ridley Scott gave us "Alien", a truly timeless classic. In 1968 George Romero gave us "Night of the Living Dead", a movie that forever changed the zombie genre.

This movie though, Graduation Day... complete SPORING opposite of those movies.











The Principal prepares for some afterschool activity with his secretary. Note the plaid pants.


Graduation day is more like a time capsule. Basically they took a chunk of the early 1980's and shoved it into a film case. Literally this movie is like finding a mosquito trapped in amber, full of the blood of dinosaurs waiting to be unleashed onto the human species. But should we have unleashed this movie upon ourselves? Should we?











Oh god Nooooooo!!!! Not another bad movie!!!


While this movie is definitely not a timeless classic, it did provide our viewing audience with a nice look at what life was like in 1981. I learned a great many things about the 1980's from movies. I learned that John Cusack wasn't really better off dead, because he would have missed one crazy Summer. I learned that the fast times at high school were the pinnacle of life, and that once you graduated you might as well consign yourself to death in the gutter. I learned that Molly Ringwald was pretty in pink in 1986, but that won't keep you off the outer limits of TV forever. In short, the 80's were a wild, care-free happy time full of partying, sex, booze, drugs, and rock and roll.

Which is how people usually refer to the 60's....

That reminds me of some movie depictions of the roaring twenties as well...

So I had to wonder, was Hollywood's portrayal of the 80's... fake?

Could it be that Hollywood, in order to sell a more profitable movie played up on the nostalgia of an era, bringing together people who yearned for the simpler and more pleasurable days of their youth?

But here in my hands was a little heard voice from before it all began, a new source of cultural information awaiting at my fingertips. Also, I was betting there was a lot of nudity. Gotta love that!

For any of you who have the song from "The Breakfast Club" stuck in your head after those references, click this link with the sound on. It'll drive it right out.











Vanna White and her sleepy friend lecture this gymnast on the evils of being blonde. Oh. My. God!


So here's a list of things that I found out about 1981's culture that I didn't learn from "I love the 80's" or through the lens of a John Hughes movie.

-Men wore bad suits, I mean god-awful bad. These suits should have come with an epilepsy warning.

-Girls get totally nude at the drop of a hat, and constantly crave sex. OK, so that's exactly the same as the other 80's movies.

-Guys didn't spend the entirety of their adolescent lives obsessing over a girl that they wanted to impress, but they needed to win a skiing competition or win a high speed race to do so.

-Women in the Navy are martial arts masters, capable of disarming and dispatching a cold blooded killer. That's new.

-Dead bodies totally disappear all on their own. No one trips over the corpse of a girl killed in the local park. This leads me to believe that people from the 1980's were not very observant.

-Songs go on as long as they have to. Scenes are not cropped to fit the length of a song. I guess this was before M.T.V. was a household name.

-Not everyone wore $500 suit jackets casually to school and drove expensive cars. In fact, most of their clothes were pretty bad, and the track uniforms were downright silly.

Now it might be that this is a fairly accurate depiction of 1981. It might also be that several of these things are influenced by the fact that this is a film about a serial killer released by Troma films. I don't know, I'm not a historian; but there does seem to be a lot of weird science going on here. According to Graduation Day, life in the 80's, well... kinda sucked.











Will she get the point? Hahaha.... that's a killer!


I guess you can't take what movies are telling you about life as truth. I mean, if we did, then we'd have to believe that right now I'm typing this review on a plane full of snakes, with my laptop in one hand and Mountain Dew in the other, getting ready to jump out of the back of the plane in my rocket car which will deploy a parachute right before I hit the ground; enabling me to drive 140 miles per hour to the nearest Starbucks so that I can up load my review while fighting international drug runners with my quirky comedic sidekick.

EXTREEEEEMMMEEEE!!!!











Prepare for the battle of the bad suits!


The reality is that I'm drinking orange soda and sitting comfortably at home. Much like that underwhelming revelation, Graduation Day solemnly breaks the party atmosphere of the 1980's, much like flatulence breaks the atmosphere of a romantic evening.

Not that flatulence is without its merits.

Though not the party crazy or blood soaked rendition that we've all come to expect from an 80's movie, Graduation day is also not without its merits. You're not going to "get busy" watching it, but it does feel good, and its not all that stinky. And lets face it, if you didn't watch Graduation Day, you'd explode from the internal pressure of methane building up in your digestive system.

I've just been told by my editing staff that I have my metaphors mixed up. No matter.

This 1981 slasher starts when a high school track star Laura Ramstead, played by Ruth Ann Llorens dies... of natural causes! Seriously, she has an embolism and just drops dead after the race. Take that, fitness!

Laura's sister Anne, played by Patch Mackenzie comes home from her tour of duty in Guam to attend the Graduation and accept her track trophy in her stead. I guess digging up the body and propping it atop a 3-tiered olympic style dias was considered a little tasteless back in the 80's. How times have changed.












Track team of 1981. Go running corpses of Romeroville High!


Over the course of the next two days, the other members of the track team start mysteriously disappearing, as they are murdered by a shadowy masked figure.











Oooooooooooooo....


As the plot continues, the murders get more and more bizarre. The killer, unsatisfied with a simple throat slashing, decides to move on to more interesting ways of dispatching his victims. This includes both a bladed football-sword of doom and a pole vault mattress full of medieval spikes. Good thing this movie never merited a sequel, as the trapped sports equipment angle runs dry pretty fast.











Aw man, this is a totally awesome idea dude!


Graduation Day does have several good points. The writers were talented enough to give the audience a plethora of potential murderers. Was it the high school's track coach, played by the reknowned Christopher George? Was it the principal, Michael Pataki, with his collection of confiscated knifes? Was it the campus cop, Anne's drunken stepfather, or even Anne herself? Its a good thing McCarthyism was over in 1981, otherwise Graduation Day would have wound up on a list of suspected Communist sympathizers with all the red herrings contained within it.

In retrospect, its actually quite surprising that this movie never merited a sequel. Graduation Day cost only $250,000 to make, but earned over $23 million gross. According to my Sporetastic mathematical calculations, that about a gajillion % profit. Or... some other really big number.

On the down side, Graduation Day appears to suffer from either some good ol' MPAA censorship or use of some of the more conventional effects of the times. Most of the scenes where major violence occurs with little blood loss, as if all the actors had prematurely clotting blood. And I thought they were all heathy because they were on the track team!

The only major fault I can pin on writer/director Herb Freed is his love of using alternating quick cuts in some of his "mental" scenes, the viewing of which might give some people a headache. The lucky ones. The others will be reduced to Pokemon type epileptic seizures. Gah! Luckily this effect only gets used about twice in the whole movie.

So, looks like we lucked out on our first Summer Review, which is great because this is the first movie we've review in high def. I can recommend this movie under the "horror lite" category for some of the readers who can't take the hardcore terror that we regularly ingest here at Spored to Death Publishing. It may not be a great movie, but its a great glimpse back in both movie histoy and an alternative (but probably just as unrealistic) take on the culture of the 1980's.

Don't you forget about me, Sporefans, there'll be a lot more reviews to come as school's out for Summer.

Click here for mental cleansing.

Snakes on a Train

Welcome back, Sporefans. I want you all to know that while I've been lax in the quantity of my bad movie reviews lately, tonight I'm making up for it in quality. I want you all to know that it was very, very hard for me to find a movie that was worse than "The Marine", but I found one. This week I'll be reviewing the venomous flop "Snakes on a Train".



















Prepare for the worst. Seriously, prepare now. I'll wait.


I want to make one thing absolutely clear: Snakes on a Train has nothing to do with the 2006 movie starring Samuel L. Jackson. NOTHING! This is not a sequel, not a prequel, and is in no way associated with the Samuel Jackson movie. The only thing that this movie has in common with "Snakes on a Plane" is that there are snakes in a vehicle in a movie. That's were the similarity stops, and the crud begins.

IMDB refers to this movie as a "spoof" of Snakes on a Plane. According to the dictionary, the definition of spoof is "a mocking imitation of someone or something, usually light and good-humored; lampoon or parody".

This movie is anything but funny.

This movie has two groups of characters, and by that I mean Mexicans and Americans. The Mexican group is comprised of a shaman, his sick wife, a mutual friend, and three thugs trying to cross the border. The Mexican characters spend the movie hiding on the train trying to get into the US without being detected by the train crew.

The Americans are comprised of a couple of crew members, 3 surfers, a family of 3 in a private car, an electrical engineer, a hot middle aged woman with some brownies, 2 drug running blonde girls, an ex-Texas Ranger and a creepy looking middle-eastern drug runner. Don't worry about remembering these characters, because they really don't matter too much. Seriously, don't get attached to them.

They're snake food.

Now as we all know, if you make a movie based on another movie it has to be grander, more dramatic and deadlier than the original. Whether a direct sequel or a "spoof" the movie requires a hook to get people back into their seats. With Jurassic Park the dinosaurs keep getting bigger, smarter and more deadly. Jaws went from being a giant great white shark to a personal demon that haunted the Brody family in search of revenge. The Amityville Horror, Friday the 13th, and even Rush Hour all promise bigger and better thrills in subsequent movies.

So how does Snakes on a Train, a movie not associated with the original and with only a fraction of the budget "hook" the audience in? What innovation can writer Eric Forsberg come up with to top Samuel Jackson's "I want these mother-SPORING snakes off this mother-SPORING plane"? What could possibly be more deadly than hundreds of venomous snakes trapped on a plane driven wild by snake phermones?

How about "magic snakes"?

Yes, the snakes are a result of an ancient Mayan curse, placed on Alma (Julia Ruiz) by her family as punishment for leaving the man chosen to be her husband for Brujo (Alby Castro), who is some type of amateur shaman. The couple must make it to Los Angeles, where Brujo's uncle, an actual shaman, can turn the snakes back into... eh... something that's not a snake, and put them back in Alma's body. In the mean time, she pukes up snakes and blue jello all over the place. Mmmm.... appetizing.

These deadly snakes need not be venomous, because they're "magic" snakes. Even the non-venomous garter snake is lethal when it can magically slither inside of your body and into your heart, releasing your own "inner snakes". Its like some type of zombification, or if you want to get really specific its almost exactly like "Night of the Creeps", but without any good lines.
















To quote Detective Ray Cameron, "Thrill me."


If that isn't campy enough for you, the snakes grow and change in size and coloring, becoming not only venomous, but large enough to eat a small child. This is demonstrated when one of the snakes eats a small child.

To help keep things going, Forsberg develops several sub-plots to help flesh out his characters. The Electrical engineer starts hitting on the hot middle aged chick with the brownies, the blondes carrying the drugs across the border run afoul of a corrupt ex-Texas Ranger, who in turn runs afoul of the creepy looking middle-eastern drug runner, who apparently takes offense to the ex-Ranger's ploy to get sex and money in exchange for letting the girls go. A drug runner with morals? My disbelief is totally shattered now!

Meanwhile, Brujo fights and defeats the 3 Mexican thugs while trying to keep all of Alma's snakes in the little jars that he keeps on his person. Apparently he wants to keep her close, even when she's turned into hundreds of snakes. How romantic!

With the help of Miguel (Giovanni Bejarano), his friend who just happens to be there, Brujo blows smoke at the two of the thugs. He stabs the last thug with his ancient ritual stone knife and throws him off the train like Indiana Jones. Eventually, the 2 living thugs escape and are "infected" with snakes.

Brujo eventually catches up with them and rips out one of the thugs hearts to retrieve one of Alma's snakes, just like Mola Ram ripped out a guy's heart in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom". I guess he didn't hear Short Round screaming "Indy, cover your heart! Cover your heart!" in the backround. After that, the one remaining living thug makes his way onto the "non-Mexican" section of the train and lets loose his snakes.

Now I know what you're all thinking. "Why don't they simply stop the train and get off?". Well, in an act of incredible stupidity, Brujo sneaks across the top of the train and into the engineer's car. After knocking out the meth-smoking train jockey, Brujo disables the train by cutting a bunch of wires sticking out of a box that's not actually connected to the controls of the train. This prompts the ticket guy to get on the intercom and scream "RUNAWAY TRAIN!!!"

The movie is directed by the Mallachi Brothers, not to be confused with the Wachowskis. In fact, they really can't be confused with anyone, because other than direct this movie, they haven't done anything. Somehow they wrangled some money and some snakes to get this project out to video as quickly as possible. I guess they were counting on people not paying attention to what they were renting in the video store.

Now that we've gone over this movie's good points, lets talk about where its lacking. Specifically, the special effects department. On the plus side, Snakes on a Train used real snakes and the blue jello was thoroughly disgusting. I will give the actors credit for handling real, albeit mostly tiny and non-venomous snakes, but as the movie progresses and the snakes get bigger they are replaced by foam rubber counterparts. At one point a snake eats the little girl in the private cabin, an effect which looked like it was accomplished using a foam rubber sleeping bag and some ketchup.

This isn't to say that Snakes on a Train didn't have any computer graphics. In fact, computer graphics were used heavily in the closing sequence of the movie. Unfortunately it appears that the only computer the producers had access to was an ancient Apple 2 GS, which as I recall came with both the standard 5.25 inch floppy and the dynamic new 3.5 inch diskette. I think it really speaks about the quality of a movie when all your animation has to be programmed in BASIC.












10: Goto train.
20: Eat train.
30: Goto 10.


To further add to the ridiculousness of the ending, either Forsberg or the mysterious Mallachi brothers decided that it would be awesome if Alma turned into a giant snake and ate the entire train. Que up the bad cgi and and get ready for a big ol' continuity error, as the interior POV shot from the train makes it look like the survivors have to choose between a 30 foot fall and being eaten by a giant snake, while the long shot reveals that the actors only need to fall about 5 feet. Add in the possibility of a sequel by showing some bite marks on the back of blonde drug runner A's calf and roll credits.














Error code 101: plot not found.


If I could some up this movie in one line, it would probably be "I hate Snakes on a Train, Jock. I hate 'em!". OK, so technically its two lines, but how often do I get to parody Indiana Jones.

Craphouse

Spored to Death: Good evening once again Sporefans. Tonight we have an extra special set of 4 reviews, brought to you by The Foreign Object and Spored to Death Publishing. With the upcoming film release of Grindhouse , we have decided to take this opportunity to review not 2, not 3, but 4 movies! Joining me tonight is the original "Mr. Danger" and author of The Foreign Object.

Mr. Danger: Intro me like the god that I am in my own head!!!:Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....DAAAAANNNNGEEEERRR!!! You may now speak.

Spored to Death: ......

Spored to Death: Now Tarantino and Rodriguez, or "T&R" for short are going to be releasing "Grindhouse" on April 6th, a double feature with one movie by each respective director.

Mr. Danger: DAAAAANNNNNNNGEEEERRR!!!!!!. Sorry go on.

Spored to Death: Not having time, training, money or the talent required to direct a major motion picture, we can only hope to compete with the one thing we do know how to do: Review other people's stuff! In this case, we've decided to go with quantity over quality, as you'll soon see. To top it off, this is a crossover review, as all of the movies in the Craphouse lineup star present or former WWE superstars.

Mr. Danger: These superstars (and they are stars) are the cream of the crop of what they do: hurting people in a fake manner. Now they get to hurt people in a fake movie manner on screen and hurt you while your watching it. I forsee alot of hurting taken place in these next four films.

Spored to Death: Lets kick off this review with our first movie. I chose to show this movie first at the marathon because I thought the title really exemplified the mood I was trying to set for my viewing audience.














DOOOOOOOOM!!!


Spored to Death: The first movie in the lineup was the 2005 box office flop "DOOM"!!!

Mr. Danger: Or as it should been called National Lampoon's Mars Vacation. Let's go on a holiday stroll of doom!!!

Spored to Death: Doom came out in 2005 starring Dwayne Johnson, aka "The Rock", as well as Karl Urban as John "The Reaper" Grimm, and Rosamund Pike as Samantha Grimm. Doom cost an estimated $70 million dollars to make, but only returned slightly over $28 million domestic and even less abroad.

Mr. Danger: Nobody could smell what the Rock was cooking. Not even the powerful ex soviet block market, who movie producers depend on some much. THE SOCIO ECOMONIC PRINCPLES ARE STAGGERING!!

Spored to Death: IndeeEEEEED!!! People who aren't fans of the game will probably somewhat enjoy this movie, although die hard players from ye olden days of the Doom video game series will most likely have complaints.

Mr. Danger: Yeah like why can't i hold a flashlight and a shotgun at the sometime. I'm gunning for you John Kormack with my hello kitty mod light.

Spored to Death: One complaint I didn't have is that Vin Diesel, who was originally offered the lead role, turned it down. Maybe he was looking to change his image by starring in the Disney family movie "The Pacifier". Maybe he was too busy selling light bulbs. Whatever the reason, this movie benefits from a lack of Vin Diesel.







"Man, I'm glad I'm not Vin Diesel."
"Me too, Rock."
"Shut up Jabroni!"


Mr. Danger: Now if they asked Paul Walker, This movie would be an unstoppable force of nature...unstoppable Spore!

Spored to Death: Without the corruptive tainting ooze of Vin Diesel, this movie ranks as a mediocre 100 minutes of shooting alien monsters with big futuristic looking guns. Don't expect anything complicated or engaging. While this movie is fun, the plot does have one major hole. Why are "quarantined"scientists evacuated from the mars base to earth?

Mr. Danger: Duh! So they can cure the disease they are infected with using ultra-future tech that is from the future. All plot holes can be explained by saying its the FUTURE!!!

Spored to Death: I noticed that...

Mr. Danger: FUTURE!!!

Spored to Death: I ...... *stares

Mr. Danger: ......

Spored to Death: ......

Spored to Death: I noticed that The Rock was nominated for a Razzie for worst actor for this movie. I can't really agree that The Rock put on a bad performance, but then again, I've seen much, much worse in my tenure. And besides, it ain't exactly Shakespeare.

Mr. Danger: The Rock was terrific! These razzie morons don't know what they are taking about Spore! It hurts me down deep. I mean look how he holds his guns...those are big guns.










Check out the people's champion running from the monster horde with his huge gun. Can you smelllllllalalalalallalaaaa..... the sweaty people's champ!


Spored to Death: Indeed they are, Danger. Speaking of which, the special effects are graphics are all pretty standard of a big budget action movie. Of particular intrest were the futuristic "Nano-walls" which change composition to allow people through them and the "not-a-stargate" transportation system that shoots people back and fourth from Earth and Mars, causing them to puke.

Mr. Danger: Kurt Russell never vomited in Stargate. You know why? Cause Kurt Russell is the man.

Spored to Death: He did play Snake. After Doom, we announced that "See No Evil" starring Glen Jacobs, aka "Kane" was the next film. When I mentioned that there would be plenty of eye plucking and people being killed with hooks and chains, the more squeamish viewers decided to leave. Quickly. Which was probably the smart move, because See No Evil was pretty bad.















"You can't see me! Hahaha!!!"


Mr. Danger: I thought we were going to be watching a movie about fishing when you said that. Kane: Extreme Bass Hunter in "See no carp".

Spored to Death: To bad it wasn't, "See no crap".

Mr. Danger: Can't do that with you around. Hell, if you're not reviewing it, your producing it! Ha HA!

Spored to Death: Many of you may recall that I did a director's spotlight on Gregory Dark right about the time that See No Evil premiered in theaters. For those of you who don't remember, or are just too lazy to click the link, Mr. Dark has a long history of directing. He's done a great number of films, of both short and feature length.

Mr. Danger: I've seen all of them. Well the first 10 mintues of them anyway. I kind of lose interest from there.

Spored to Death: And by that I mean he's done music videos and direct to video porn.

Mr. Danger: You mean that Deftones video wasn't porn?

Spored to Death: I think the answer to that gets covered in the "how you use media to entertain yourself" chapter of my textbook. Moving on, while some of the blame for See No Evil's insipidness is directorial, there are other much more glaring flaws. First and foremost the plot brings absolutely nothing new to the screen. This could just as easily been a no budget reproduction of "Psycho", complete with shower scene and mommy complex.

Mr. Danger: This movie does bring something new...ugh...hmmmmmmm..... it's got.......ummmmm.....Kane? Probably would have been better if it was the Undertaker!

Spored to Death: Only if he put this movie in a casket and lit it on fire! Oh, and character development? You want some character development to help cover over up the worn out plot? Hah! By the end of the movie, I still didn't know the names of two-thirds of the survivors. Names of the characters didn't matter, but it was clear that they were either going to die horribly or had big bazongas. Possibly both.

Mr. Danger: And if they didn't die they were locked in cage. My main in problem with this flick was that too many of them lived. Sure, the girl with big bazongas got ahead, but douche boyfriend? How dare you live!!!










"Grrr.... this is a veiled comment on being captured by capitolism. Also, you have boobies!"


Spored to Death: Last, but certainly not least was "Kane", you know... Glen Jacobs.

Mr. Danger: Glen Jacobs is his ham and egger name.

Spored to Death: In the movie, Kane plays a large psychopath who rips people's eyes out because he has issues with his overly religious mother.

Mr. Danger: Nothing wrong with that.

Spored to Death: In real life, Glen Jacobs plays a large, sometimes masked wrestler with a troubled past and anger issues who in turn, plays a large psychopath who rips people's eyes out in a movie. There really isn't much distinction between the character on screen and the professional wrestler. You'll spend most of the movie thinking "Hey! Kane's killing people!" Its not really scary, as its much less real than the damage he wreaks upon his opponents in the ring.

Mr. Danger: Kane has recently brought hooks into his in ring move set. The result is a quick wrestlemania loss to the Great Kali.

Spored to Death: Now let me tell you a few things you probably didn't know about Kane, or as I'd like to call him: Mr. Glen Jacobs. All of these facts are from imdb's triva section on Mr. Jacobs, by the way. Here we go:

Mr. Danger: Shoot.

Spored to Death: Has 2 stepdaughters.

Mr. Danger: Are they hot?

Spored to Death: Dunno. Used to wrestle as "Isaac Yankem DDS", who was billed as Jerry "The King" Lawler's "dentist".

Mr. Danger: He gave him his crown. That's the type of humor my fans demand Spore.

Spored to Death: Uuhg... that was awful. I'll get you for that. Anyway, he beat Bubba Ray Dudley in the final round on "The Weakest Link" in 2002.

Mr. Danger: It was rigged! Kane won on looks alone!

Spored to Death: Owned a small family gym in Sevierville, Tennessee.

Mr. Danger: He even owned the family that came with it. They were last reported as "tortured".
Spored to Death: Is a former 3rd grade school teacher.

Mr. Danger: Kind of like Tom Berenger from the Subsistute.

Spored to Death: I can only imagine the trauma Mr. Jacobs caused when teaching 3rd grade students. They must have put down washable plastic floors for the first day of class when a 7 foot tall scary looking guy ducked through the door wearing a bad shirt and tie, briefcase in one hand and apple in the other. It also must have raised the school's insurance rates after he wrote his name on the chalk board and set off his custom pyrotechnics.

Mr. Danger: Now we know where Katie Vick came from.

Spored to Death: Oh god! Why can't we just let that wrestling bit rest in peace? I mean, there's really no use in beating a dead horse like that.

Mr. Danger: Ah! That was so bad, I think you gave me cancer Spore!

Spored to Death: Told you I'd get you back. After the debacle with See No Evil came to a close we decided to take a small and well deserved break. This lead to a rousing game of Halo 2, with Mr. Danger and myself on one team, and mycroft3x and my own brother who is some type of Halo playing mechano-man on the other. A heated battle ensued as we shot at each other across fields of revolving gears and empty buildings.

Mr. Danger: I now know the pain of combat and how it gets frat boys off ....BOOSH!

Spored to Death: Although Mr. Danger had never before played a first person shooter game, we managed to pull out a narrow victory by re-enacting the last fight sequence in "Terminator 2: Judgement Day".

Mr. Danger: I was the combined force of Linda Hamilton and John Connor to his broken T-800.

Spored to Death: mycroft3x chased Mr. Danger with a shotgun, aiming to put an end to the 49-49 tie and win the game. Suddenly I screamed "Get down!", and a cloaked, RPG wielding Spored to Death tagged mycroft3x for the win.

Mr. Danger: I then fell to my death, but that don't count.

Spored to Death: Plus, it was dinner time, and we were hungry.

Spored to Death: Unfortunately for us, our appetites would be soured by the worst feature on the night, for up next was John Cena, aka "John Cena" in "The Marine".














"I am a marine. Bad men have kidnapped my wife. I must get her back!"

Mr. Danger: Gagging can begin here.

Spored to Death: Indeed, The Marine was like Syrup of Ipecac. Now to give you a taste of exactly how bad this movie actually was, I have to mention that one member of our viewing audience came to this function just to see The Marine because, and I quote this, she thought "John Cena was cute". But even her fandom was unable to override the crappiness of this movie, and she wanted to tap out about 40 minutes into the film.

Mr. Danger: We all thought we could "see him" in the end.........we couldn't begin to deal.

Spored to Death: Which was unfortunate because we had to watch the whole thing.

Mr. Danger: GARGHHHHHH!!!

Spored to Death: Now where can we place the blame for this movie's suckitutde? Placing it all on the actors really isn't fair.

Mr. Danger: I can.....actors! Actors! Actors!

Spored to Death: I say we need to start where all movies start, the script. The original story is written by Michelle Gallagher. If you haven't heard of Michelle Gallagher before, its because the only things she's written were a little known romantic comedy in 2001 and The Marine. I think it speaks volumes that she was out of work for five years.

Mr. Danger: The Marine would have been a romantic comedy if it wasn't for all the explosions, killing, and Robert Patrick.

Spored to Death: After the original story was written, Michelle hooked up with Spawn", "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever", and "Wrong Turn" which looks almost exactly like "The Hills have Eyes"but with trees.


Mr. Danger: Good something for me to piss on.

Spored to Death: The trees or the screenplay?

Mr. Danger: Both! I have enough to go around!

Spored to Death: Because the screenplay was such a solid lump of scrapple , you would think that the producers would find a director of adequate talent to pull the movie together. Instead they just hired John Bonito , a miscellaneous crew member who worked on WWE's Extreme Championship Wrestling show on SciFi and their Monday Night RAW program. Keep in mind that Mr. Bonito has no directing experience outside the WWE what-so-ever, and they handed him $15 million dollars and John Cena and said "Make this movie about a marine!".

Mr. Danger: On the bright side, he is the most experienced guy to film a Vince McMahon kiss my ass sequence.

Spored to Death: NOW! On to the cast! Your big three names here are John Cena as John Triton (what a stretch), Kelly Carlson as his wife Kate Triton, and Robert Patrick as the evil "Rome". No last name for Patrick, by the way. Here you have three actors with 3 different degrees of talent. At the bottom of this list is, of course, John Cena.

Mr. Danger: You would think a guy who does live TV every week would be better at this stuff?

Spored to Death: You can tell by looking at Cena that he went to the director and said "What's my motivation in this scene?", to which the director responded "You are a marine. Bad men have kidnapped your wife. You must get her back!".

Mr. Danger: And if you get around to it burn Robert Patrick Alive...no I mean for reals! Do it.

Spored to Death: There are a couple of scenes in the beginning where Cena isn't pigeonholed into his Marine mindset, most notably the scenes where he's working as a security guard after his dishonorable discharge (for rescuing some fellow marines without permission).

Mr. Danger: I understand where the army is coming from. That opening scene was suppose to be horrific with blood and carnage everywhere and here he goes ruining that by "saving everybody!" Yuck, makes me sick to my stomach, Spore!!!

Spored to Death: Have some more Ipecac, it'll make you feel better. Unfortunately Cena doesn't stray too far from that pigeonhole when he's given the chance, and stays as stiff and as wooden as one of the queen's palace guards (you thought I was going to say a marine at attention, didn't you? Ha!).

Mr. Danger: No, but I'm never at attention when John Cena is on camera.

Spored to Death: Next up is Kelly Carlson.

Mr. Danger: Now I'm at attention!!! Like the Rock she carries Big Guns.

Spored to Death: The Rock makes you stand at attention? What?

Mr. Danger: No! No, I mean she has giant bazongas like The Rock has giant guns. Its called a simile. I'm trying to add some class here.

Spored to Death: We're all out of class. I mean, for god's sake we're watching The Marine!

Mr. Danger: Oh yeah. That really does take a lack of class, don't it?

Spored to Death: OK folks, there's bad news and there's really bad news here. First up is the bad news. The bad news is that Kelly Carlson can actually act. Her performance on the TV series "Nip/Tuck" shows that she's not just a pretty face with a great rack and killer legs.

Mr. Danger: I enjoy the rack and the legs more though.

Spored to Death: The really bad news is that you don't get to see her naked, not even in the unrated version. Its a sad, sad day when a movie, any movie, makes me wish I was watching Starship Troopers 2.

Spored to Death: Think about that.

Mr. Danger: Doesn't Michael Ironside get torn to shreds again in that? I'd pay to see that.

Spored to Death: Just rent Total Recall instead.

Mr. Danger: See you at the party Richter!

Spored to Death: Finally we've got Robert Patrick, better known as the T-1000 from Terminator 2 . How ironic that after re-enacting that scene that we get to watch what has become of poor Robert Patrick. He tries, so very very hard to breathe some life into this movie with a few comedic remarks. Too bad its like a quadruple amputee trying to perform CPR. Patrick's humorous moments usually seem out of place as, say, he tries to switch his cable package... in the middle of a Louisiana swamp, while being chased by the police and "The Marine".












"Oooh! I hear you can morph into any shape Robert Patrick. Is that true?"
"Uhhh... yeah, whatever baby!"


Mr. Danger: I wished Swamp Thing would have mauled them in that swamp. Hell, I settle for Man-Thing!!!

Spored to Death: The biggest and most awful plot disaster that this movie has is actually central to its main plot. On watching the movie it become painfully apparent that there is absolutely no reason what-so-ever to kidnap Kate Triton.

Mr. Danger: Sure there was. She was..........uh...........hmmmmmmmmm.....cute?

Spored to Death: None. There is no need to take a hostage AFTER you've killed all the cops, witnesses and incapacitated "Mr. Marine" and blown up the gas station they're all in. None. Makes no sense to drag an unwilling hostage through a dangerous swamp and slow yourself down. And it only gets worse from there.

Mr. Danger: They did it for the fun. I take hostages frequently with mixed results.

Spored to Death: I think you might be mixed nuts! And don't even get me started on the hick meth-lab or the numerous sequences of Cena running through a swamp. And then Cena running through the swamp with a big knife. And more running.

Mr. Danger: And more running..........running..........I think they are still running.

Spored to Death: God I wish I had watched Starship Troopers 2 instead.

Mr. Danger: Or Man-Thing!

Spored to Death: Lets not get too carried away.

Mr. Danger: Hey. You owe me! You made me watch The Marine!

Spored to Death: Finally, this is the movie that I thought was going to be the worst disaster of the night, but turned out to be the best. "Santa's Slay" starring Bill Goldberg is one of the best examples of why you should watch B-movies. From the moment that the DVD screen loaded up, I knew this was going to be excellent. We were treated to a montage of actors being immolated and killed, a dog flew into the backround and knocked a hole in the virtual wall, and Bill Goldberg dressed as Santa Claus opened his mouth and spat out a fireball.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Mr. Danger: Golderberg has those powers in real life. Came in handy during WCW Starcade '98 when Booker T did a spin a rooney and was melted alive.

Spored to Death: Although its it bit cliche at times, Santa's Slay is a dark comedy that follows in the footsteps of movies like "Bad Santa" and "Jack Frost" . There's a juxtaposition here where the pureness and goodness of the traditional Christmas spirit is tainted by some of the most vile and evil acts one could imagine. The humor stems from the unspoken fact that most of the X-mas "good will" is actually a shallow act put on for the sake of appearances, and the feeling that the audience will identify with lies within the murderous rampage of this evil Santa Claus which brings about a catharsis for anyone who's hated this increaingly commercialized and hollow holiday.

Mr. Danger: Easter is that time of year for Mr. Danger...darn bunnies..hide my candy!

"What? No milk?!?!"

Spored to Death: Following in the tradition of scream, Santa's Slay dispenses with the biggest stars in the cast within the first few minutes of the movie. Among the victims are James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan and Rebecca Gayheart (the Noxima girl and the blind patient on Nip/Tuck).

Mr. Danger: And if you think were kidding behold with foreign dub.

Spored to Death: The movie twists the traditional myth about Santa, casting him as the son of Satan who lost a bet with an archangel and had to spend the next one-thousand years being good and spreading cheer to children around the world.

Mr. Danger: Tis a wicked demise!

Spored to Death: But in 2005, Santa's one-thousand years on penance are up and he's once again free to spread fear and terror around the world in his rocket and buffalo driven flying sleigh. Its up to a couple of teen age kids and an elderly man who happens to be an angel in disguise to challenge Santa and bring a stop to the killing. Kind of like "Scooby Doo" meets "Touched by an Angel" with blood and fire everywhere.

"RAAAAR!!!"


Mr. Danger: Or Jabberjaw meets Highway to Heaven.

Spored to Death: Writer/Director David Steiman scores an R.K.O . on the competition with this film, showing once again that Canada is great at exporting 3 things: Professional Wrestlers, Movies, and Whiskey. Mmmm..... whiskey.

Mr. Danger: Back to AA for you.

Spored to Death: Hahaha! You know AA kicked me out after I couldn't get past that second step.

Mr. Danger: Oh yeah, that's right! You're a godless heathen!

Spored to Death: Cthulhu will forgive me for my transgressions. Speaking of which, my inebriated state probably led to my favorable reception of Santa's Slay. But who could possibly stay sober after having to sit through The Marine. Not me, that's who.

Mr. Danger: I sat sober. Wish I didn't cause the Marine still gave me a hangover.

Spored to Death: This is Spored to Death signing off. Remember America: I drink because you make me.

Mr. Danger: And this is Mr. Danger signing off from wrestle movie fest 2007. The greatest wrestle movie fest ever, well until next year where that will be the greatest wrestling movie fest ever . Cherrio

Spored to Death: You mean Craphouse 2007, right?

Mr. Danger: Good night folks!

Happy Birthday!

On a quick side note before the mega review (soon, I promise), Spored to Death Publishing is now one year old. If I keep this up for twenty more years and my website will be able to drink.

Here's to 1 full year of reviews. Have a drink on me. Its mandatory.