Thursday, April 05, 2007

Craphouse

Spored to Death: Good evening once again Sporefans. Tonight we have an extra special set of 4 reviews, brought to you by The Foreign Object and Spored to Death Publishing. With the upcoming film release of Grindhouse , we have decided to take this opportunity to review not 2, not 3, but 4 movies! Joining me tonight is the original "Mr. Danger" and author of The Foreign Object.

Mr. Danger: Intro me like the god that I am in my own head!!!:Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....DAAAAANNNNGEEEERRR!!! You may now speak.

Spored to Death: ......

Spored to Death: Now Tarantino and Rodriguez, or "T&R" for short are going to be releasing "Grindhouse" on April 6th, a double feature with one movie by each respective director.


Mr. Danger: DAAAAANNNNNNNGEEEERRR!!!!!!. Sorry go on.

Spored to Death: Not having time, training, money or the talent required to direct a major motion picture, we can only hope to compete with the one thing we do know how to do: Review other people's stuff! In this case, we've decided to go with quantity over quality, as you'll soon see. To top it off, this is a crossover review, as all of the movies in the Craphouse lineup star present or former WWE superstars.

Mr. Danger: These superstars (and they are stars) are the cream of the crop of what they do: hurting people in a fake manner. Now they get to hurt people in a fake movie manner on screen and hurt you while your watching it. I forsee alot of hurting taken place in these next four films.

Spored to Death: Lets kick off this review with our first movie. I chose to show this movie first at the marathon because I thought the title really exemplified the mood I was trying to set for my viewing audience.














DOOOOOOOOM!!!


Spored to Death: The first movie in the lineup was the 2005 box office flop "DOOM"!!!

Mr. Danger: Or as it should been called National Lampoon's Mars Vacation. Let's go on a holiday stroll of doom!!!

Spored to Death: Doom came out in 2005 starring Dwayne Johnson, aka "The Rock", as well as Karl Urban as John "The Reaper" Grimm, and Rosamund Pike as Samantha Grimm. Doom cost an estimated $70 million dollars to make, but only returned slightly over $28 million domestic and even less abroad.

Mr. Danger: Nobody could smell what the Rock was cooking. Not even the powerful ex soviet block market, who movie producers depend on some much. THE SOCIO ECOMONIC PRINCPLES ARE STAGGERING!!

Spored to Death: IndeeEEEEED!!! People who aren't fans of the game will probably somewhat enjoy this movie, although die hard players from ye olden days of the Doom video game series will most likely have complaints.

Mr. Danger: Yeah like why can't i hold a flashlight and a shotgun at the sometime. I'm gunning for you John Kormack with my hello kitty mod light.

Spored to Death: One complaint I didn't have is that Vin Diesel, who was originally offered the lead role, turned it down. Maybe he was looking to change his image by starring in the Disney family movie "The Pacifier". Maybe he was too busy selling light bulbs. Whatever the reason, this movie benefits from a lack of Vin Diesel.







"Man, I'm glad I'm not Vin Diesel."
"Me too, Rock."
"Shut up Jabroni!"



Mr. Danger: Now if they asked Paul Walker, This movie would be an unstoppable force of nature...unstoppable Spore!

Spored to Death: Without the corruptive tainting ooze of Vin Diesel, this movie ranks as a mediocre 100 minutes of shooting alien monsters with big futuristic looking guns. Don't expect anything complicated or engaging. While this movie is fun, the plot does have one major hole. Why are "quarantined"scientists evacuated from the mars base to earth?

Mr. Danger: Duh! So they can cure the disease they are infected with using ultra-future tech that is from the future. All plot holes can be explained by saying its the FUTURE!!!

Spored to Death: I noticed that...

Mr. Danger: FUTURE!!!

Spored to Death: I ...... *stares

Mr. Danger: ......

Spored to Death: ......

Spored to Death: I noticed that The Rock was nominated for a Razzie for worst actor for this movie. I can't really agree that The Rock put on a bad performance, but then again, I've seen much, much worse in my tenure. And besides, it ain't exactly Shakespeare.


Mr. Danger: The Rock was terrific! These razzie morons don't know what they are taking about Spore! It hurts me down deep. I mean look how he holds his guns...those are big guns.










Check out the people's champion running from the monster horde with his huge gun. Can you smelllllllalalalalallalaaaa..... the sweaty people's champ!


Spored to Death: Indeed they are, Danger. Speaking of which, the special effects are graphics are all pretty standard of a big budget action movie. Of particular intrest were the futuristic "Nano-walls" which change composition to allow people through them and the "not-a-stargate" transportation system that shoots people back and fourth from Earth and Mars, causing them to puke.

Mr. Danger: Kurt Russell never vomited in Stargate. You know why? Cause Kurt Russell is the man.

Spored to Death: He did play Snake. After Doom, we announced that "See No Evil" starring Glen Jacobs, aka "Kane" was the next film. When I mentioned that there would be plenty of eye plucking and people being killed with hooks and chains, the more squeamish viewers decided to leave. Quickly. Which was probably the smart move, because See No Evil was pretty bad.















"You can't see me! Hahaha!!!"


Mr. Danger: I thought we were going to be watching a movie about fishing when you said that. Kane: Extreme Bass Hunter in "See no carp".

Spored to Death: To bad it wasn't, "See no crap".

Mr. Danger: Can't do that with you around. Hell, if you're not reviewing it, your producing it! Ha HA!

Spored to Death: Many of you may recall that I did a director's spotlight on Gregory Dark right about the time that See No Evil premiered in theaters. For those of you who don't remember, or are just too lazy to click the link, Mr. Dark has a long history of directing. He's done a great number of films, of both short and feature length.

Mr. Danger: I've seen all of them. Well the first 10 mintues of them anyway. I kind of lose interest from there.

Spored to Death: And by that I mean he's done music videos and direct to video porn.

Mr. Danger: You mean that Deftones video wasn't porn?

Spored to Death: I think the answer to that gets covered in the "how you use media to entertain yourself" chapter of my textbook. Moving on, while some of the blame for See No Evil's insipidness is directorial, there are other much more glaring flaws. First and foremost the plot brings absolutely nothing new to the screen. This could just as easily been a no budget reproduction of "Psycho", complete with shower scene and mommy complex.

Mr. Danger: This movie does bring something new...ugh...hmmmmmmm..... it's got.......ummmmm.....Kane? Probably would have been better if it was the Undertaker!

Spored to Death: Only if he put this movie in a casket and lit it on fire! Oh, and character development? You want some character development to help cover over up the worn out plot? Hah! By the end of the movie, I still didn't know the names of two-thirds of the survivors. Names of the characters didn't matter, but it was clear that they were either going to die horribly or had big bazongas. Possibly both.

Mr. Danger: And if they didn't die they were locked in cage. My main in problem with this flick was that too many of them lived. Sure, the girl with big bazongas got ahead, but douche boyfriend? How dare you live!!!










"Grrr.... this is a veiled comment on being captured by capitolism. Also, you have boobies!"


Spored to Death: Last, but certainly not least was "Kane", you know... Glen Jacobs.

Mr. Danger: Glen Jacobs is his ham and egger name.

Spored to Death: In the movie, Kane plays a large psychopath who rips people's eyes out because he has issues with his overly religious mother.

Mr. Danger: Nothing wrong with that.

Spored to Death: In real life, Glen Jacobs plays a large, sometimes masked wrestler with a troubled past and anger issues who in turn, plays a large psychopath who rips people's eyes out in a movie. There really isn't much distinction between the character on screen and the professional wrestler. You'll spend most of the movie thinking "Hey! Kane's killing people!" Its not really scary, as its much less real than the damage he wreaks upon his opponents in the ring.

Mr. Danger: Kane has recently brought hooks into his in ring move set. The result is a quick wrestlemania loss to the Great Kali.

Spored to Death: Now let me tell you a few things you probably didn't know about Kane, or as I'd like to call him: Mr. Glen Jacobs. All of these facts are from imdb's triva section on Mr. Jacobs, by the way. Here we go:

Mr. Danger: Shoot.

Spored to Death: Has 2 stepdaughters.

Mr. Danger: Are they hot?

Spored to Death: Dunno. Used to wrestle as "Isaac Yankem DDS", who was billed as Jerry "The King" Lawler's "dentist".

Mr. Danger: He gave him his crown. That's the type of humor my fans demand Spore.

Spored to Death: Uuhg... that was awful. I'll get you for that. Anyway, he beat Bubba Ray Dudley in the final round on "The Weakest Link" in 2002.

Mr. Danger: It was rigged! Kane won on looks alone!

Spored to Death: Owned a small family gym in Sevierville, Tennessee.

Mr. Danger: He even owned the family that came with it. They were last reported as "tortured".
Spored to Death: Is a former 3rd grade school teacher.

Mr. Danger: Kind of like Tom Berenger from the Subsistute.

Spored to Death: I can only imagine the trauma Mr. Jacobs caused when teaching 3rd grade students. They must have put down washable plastic floors for the first day of class when a 7 foot tall scary looking guy ducked through the door wearing a bad shirt and tie, briefcase in one hand and apple in the other. It also must have raised the school's insurance rates after he wrote his name on the chalk board and set off his custom pyrotechnics.

Mr. Danger: Now we know where Katie Vick came from.

Spored to Death: Oh god! Why can't we just let that wrestling bit rest in peace? I mean, there's really no use in beating a dead horse like that.

Mr. Danger: Ah! That was so bad, I think you gave me cancer Spore!

Spored to Death: Told you I'd get you back. After the debacle with See No Evil came to a close we decided to take a small and well deserved break. This lead to a rousing game of Halo 2, with Mr. Danger and myself on one team, and mycroft3x and my own brother who is some type of Halo playing mechano-man on the other. A heated battle ensued as we shot at each other across fields of revolving gears and empty buildings.

Mr. Danger: I now know the pain of combat and how it gets frat boys off ....BOOSH!

Spored to Death: Although Mr. Danger had never before played a first person shooter game, we managed to pull out a narrow victory by re-enacting the last fight sequence in "Terminator 2: Judgement Day".

Mr. Danger: I was the combined force of Linda Hamilton and John Connor to his broken T-800.

Spored to Death: mycroft3x chased Mr. Danger with a shotgun, aiming to put an end to the 49-49 tie and win the game. Suddenly I screamed "Get down!", and a cloaked, RPG wielding Spored to Death tagged mycroft3x for the win.

Mr. Danger: I then fell to my death, but that don't count.

Spored to Death: Plus, it was dinner time, and we were hungry.

Spored to Death: Unfortunately for us, our appetites would be soured by the worst feature on the night, for up next was John Cena, aka "John Cena" in "The Marine".














"I am a marine. Bad men have kidnapped my wife. I must get her back!"

Mr. Danger: Gagging can begin here.

Spored to Death: Indeed, The Marine was like Syrup of Ipecac. Now to give you a taste of exactly how bad this movie actually was, I have to mention that one member of our viewing audience came to this function just to see The Marine because, and I quote this, she thought "John Cena was cute". But even her fandom was unable to override the crappiness of this movie, and she wanted to tap out about 40 minutes into the film.

Mr. Danger: We all thought we could "see him" in the end.........we couldn't begin to deal.

Spored to Death: Which was unfortunate because we had to watch the whole thing.

Mr. Danger: GARGHHHHHH!!!

Spored to Death: Now where can we place the blame for this movie's suckitutde? Placing it all on the actors really isn't fair.

Mr. Danger: I can.....actors! Actors! Actors!

Spored to Death: I say we need to start where all movies start, the script. The original story is written by Michelle Gallagher. If you haven't heard of Michelle Gallagher before, its because the only things she's written were a little known romantic comedy in 2001 and The Marine. I think it speaks volumes that she was out of work for five years.

Mr. Danger: The Marine would have been a romantic comedy if it wasn't for all the explosions, killing, and Robert Patrick.

Spored to Death: After the original story was written, Michelle hooked up with Spawn", "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever", and "Wrong Turn" which looks almost exactly like "The Hills have Eyes"but with trees.


Mr. Danger: Good something for me to piss on.

Spored to Death: The trees or the screenplay?

Mr. Danger: Both! I have enough to go around!

Spored to Death: Because the screenplay was such a solid lump of scrapple , you would think that the producers would find a director of adequate talent to pull the movie together. Instead they just hired John Bonito , a miscellaneous crew member who worked on WWE's Extreme Championship Wrestling show on SciFi and their Monday Night RAW program. Keep in mind that Mr. Bonito has no directing experience outside the WWE what-so-ever, and they handed him $15 million dollars and John Cena and said "Make this movie about a marine!".

Mr. Danger: On the bright side, he is the most experienced guy to film a Vince McMahon kiss my ass sequence.

Spored to Death: NOW! On to the cast! Your big three names here are John Cena as John Triton (what a stretch), Kelly Carlson as his wife Kate Triton, and Robert Patrick as the evil "Rome". No last name for Patrick, by the way. Here you have three actors with 3 different degrees of talent. At the bottom of this list is, of course, John Cena.

Mr. Danger: You would think a guy who does live TV every week would be better at this stuff?

Spored to Death: You can tell by looking at Cena that he went to the director and said "What's my motivation in this scene?", to which the director responded "You are a marine. Bad men have kidnapped your wife. You must get her back!".

Mr. Danger: And if you get around to it burn Robert Patrick Alive...no I mean for reals! Do it.

Spored to Death: There are a couple of scenes in the beginning where Cena isn't pigeonholed into his Marine mindset, most notably the scenes where he's working as a security guard after his dishonorable discharge (for rescuing some fellow marines without permission).

Mr. Danger: I understand where the army is coming from. That opening scene was suppose to be horrific with blood and carnage everywhere and here he goes ruining that by "saving everybody!" Yuck, makes me sick to my stomach, Spore!!!

Spored to Death: Have some more Ipecac, it'll make you feel better. Unfortunately Cena doesn't stray too far from that pigeonhole when he's given the chance, and stays as stiff and as wooden as one of the queen's palace guards (you thought I was going to say a marine at attention, didn't you? Ha!).

Mr. Danger: No, but I'm never at attention when John Cena is on camera.

Spored to Death: Next up is Kelly Carlson.

Mr. Danger: Now I'm at attention!!! Like the Rock she carries Big Guns.

Spored to Death: The Rock makes you stand at attention? What?

Mr. Danger: No! No, I mean she has giant bazongas like The Rock has giant guns. Its called a simile. I'm trying to add some class here.

Spored to Death: We're all out of class. I mean, for god's sake we're watching The Marine!

Mr. Danger: Oh yeah. That really does take a lack of class, don't it?

Spored to Death: OK folks, there's bad news and there's really bad news here. First up is the bad news. The bad news is that Kelly Carlson can actually act. Her performance on the TV series "Nip/Tuck" shows that she's not just a pretty face with a great rack and killer legs.

Mr. Danger: I enjoy the rack and the legs more though.

Spored to Death: The really bad news is that you don't get to see her naked, not even in the unrated version. Its a sad, sad day when a movie, any movie, makes me wish I was watching Starship Troopers 2.

Spored to Death: Think about that.

Mr. Danger: Doesn't Michael Ironside get torn to shreds again in that? I'd pay to see that.

Spored to Death: Just rent Total Recall instead.

Mr. Danger: See you at the party Richter!

Spored to Death: Finally we've got Robert Patrick, better known as the T-1000 from Terminator 2 . How ironic that after re-enacting that scene that we get to watch what has become of poor Robert Patrick. He tries, so very very hard to breathe some life into this movie with a few comedic remarks. Too bad its like a quadruple amputee trying to perform CPR. Patrick's humorous moments usually seem out of place as, say, he tries to switch his cable package... in the middle of a Louisiana swamp, while being chased by the police and "The Marine".













"Oooh! I hear you can morph into any shape Robert Patrick. Is that true?"
"Uhhh... yeah, whatever baby!"



Mr. Danger: I wished Swamp Thing would have mauled them in that swamp. Hell, I settle for Man-Thing!!!

Spored to Death: The biggest and most awful plot disaster that this movie has is actually central to its main plot. On watching the movie it become painfully apparent that there is absolutely no reason what-so-ever to kidnap Kate Triton.

Mr. Danger: Sure there was. She was..........uh...........hmmmmmmmmm.....cute?

Spored to Death: None. There is no need to take a hostage AFTER you've killed all the cops, witnesses and incapacitated "Mr. Marine" and blown up the gas station they're all in. None. Makes no sense to drag an unwilling hostage through a dangerous swamp and slow yourself down. And it only gets worse from there.

Mr. Danger: They did it for the fun. I take hostages frequently with mixed results.

Spored to Death: I think you might be mixed nuts! And don't even get me started on the hick meth-lab or the numerous sequences of Cena running through a swamp. And then Cena running through the swamp with a big knife. And more running.

Mr. Danger: And more running..........running..........I think they are still running.

Spored to Death: God I wish I had watched Starship Troopers 2 instead.

Mr. Danger: Or Man-Thing!

Spored to Death: Lets not get too carried away.

Mr. Danger: Hey. You owe me! You made me watch The Marine!

Spored to Death: Finally, this is the movie that I thought was going to be the worst disaster of the night, but turned out to be the best. "Santa's Slay" starring Bill Goldberg is one of the best examples of why you should watch B-movies. From the moment that the DVD screen loaded up, I knew this was going to be excellent. We were treated to a montage of actors being immolated and killed, a dog flew into the backround and knocked a hole in the virtual wall, and Bill Goldberg dressed as Santa Claus opened his mouth and spat out a fireball.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Mr. Danger: Golderberg has those powers in real life. Came in handy during WCW Starcade '98 when Booker T did a spin a rooney and was melted alive.

Spored to Death: Although its it bit cliche at times, Santa's Slay is a dark comedy that follows in the footsteps of movies like "Bad Santa" and "Jack Frost" . There's a juxtaposition here where the pureness and goodness of the traditional Christmas spirit is tainted by some of the most vile and evil acts one could imagine. The humor stems from the unspoken fact that most of the X-mas "good will" is actually a shallow act put on for the sake of appearances, and the feeling that the audience will identify with lies within the murderous rampage of this evil Santa Claus which brings about a catharsis for anyone who's hated this increaingly commercialized and hollow holiday.

Mr. Danger: Easter is that time of year for Mr. Danger...darn bunnies..hide my candy!

"What? No milk?!?!"

Spored to Death: Following in the tradition of scream, Santa's Slay dispenses with the biggest stars in the cast within the first few minutes of the movie. Among the victims are James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan and Rebecca Gayheart (the Noxima girl and the blind patient on Nip/Tuck).

Mr. Danger: And if you think were kidding behold with foreign dub.

Spored to Death: The movie twists the traditional myth about Santa, casting him as the son of Satan who lost a bet with an archangel and had to spend the next one-thousand years being good and spreading cheer to children around the world.

Mr. Danger: Tis a wicked demise!

Spored to Death: But in 2005, Santa's one-thousand years on penance are up and he's once again free to spread fear and terror around the world in his rocket and buffalo driven flying sleigh. Its up to a couple of teen age kids and an elderly man who happens to be an angel in disguise to challenge Santa and bring a stop to the killing. Kind of like "Scooby Doo" meets "Touched by an Angel" with blood and fire everywhere.














"RAAAAR!!!"


Mr. Danger: Or Jabberjaw meets Highway to Heaven.

Spored to Death: Writer/Director David Steiman scores an R.K.O . on the competition with this film, showing once again that Canada is great at exporting 3 things: Professional Wrestlers, Movies, and Whiskey. Mmmm..... whiskey.

Mr. Danger: Back to AA for you.

Spored to Death: Hahaha! You know AA kicked me out after I couldn't get past that second step.

Mr. Danger: Oh yeah, that's right! You're a godless heathen!

Spored to Death: Cthulhu will forgive me for my transgressions. Speaking of which, my inebriated state probably led to my favorable reception of Santa's Slay. But who could possibly stay sober after having to sit through The Marine. Not me, that's who.

Mr. Danger: I sat sober. Wish I didn't cause the Marine still gave me a hangover.

Spored to Death: This is Spored to Death signing off. Remember America: I drink because you make me.

Mr. Danger: And this is Mr. Danger signing off from wrestle movie fest 2007. The greatest wrestle movie fest ever, well until next year where that will be the greatest wrestling movie fest ever . Cherrio

Spored to Death: You mean Craphouse 2007, right?

Mr. Danger: Good night folks!


2 comments:

min said...

i enjoy the vin diesel. he does well in his shoot 'em up/beat the crap out of everyone roles like riddick. and the second one also starred that kiwi karl urban. you should have a karl urban marathon. except then you'd have to watch doom again. nobody should have to watch doom a second time.

Spored_to_Death said...

Silly min. Karl Urban is not a piece of fruit.