Stay Alive

wWelcome back Sporefans. This week I've decided to take a break and review a movie that doesn't suck quite as bad as the last few. That's not to say that I'm reviewing a "good" movie, just one less horribly flawed and painful to watch. This week's movie is "Stay Alive", a 2006 horror movie about a killer video game.













You are totally a slave to your gaming habits!


Now as soon as I mentioned that this was a movie about a killer video game, how many of you thought of the 1996 movie "Brainscan" starring Edward Furlong and Frank Langella? Probably quite a few of you. Be honest, how many? How many of you thought of it?

OK, so maybe two people thought of it.

Well this movie differs in several important ways from Brainscan. Instead of the psuedo-tech used in Brainscan, where computers are mystical machines that can hypnotise players into thinking that they're killers haunted by a pixellated demon, "Stay Alive" decided to create a more rigid division between the abilities of technology and the forces of the supernatural. The killer game isn't delivered to the players on some home constructed computer system fashioned from bits of circuitry left over from the 1980s; instead our cast of victims sports mostly Alienware laptops connected to what appear to be wireless PS2 controllers.










MMMmmm.... Alienware.


The movie's portrayal of modern gaming tech isn't perfect, but as a tech-savvy denizen of the new millennium, I usually look back at what people thought computers would be able to do in the last half of the twentieth century and scratch my head in confusion. "The Lawnmower Man", and "Hackers" being two of my prime examples. Given this previous "mystical" quality of computers in the movies, the realism depicted in Stay Alive is a refreshing change.

In any event, Stay Alive tells the story of a bunch of friends who happen upon the beta test of a new game (called Stay Alive, obviously). The original beta tester of the game was killed in his home right after dying in the game. Also, the beta tester's room mate and the room mate's girlfriend are also killed, proving that even by not playing this game won't disqualify you from a gruesome death. Take that innocent bystanders!










Clerk: I'm sorry miss, but we're completely sold out of the Wii.

Samaire Armstrong: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

As the next group of young and attractive 20-something players log on to the new game, they start to die off one by one in ways that are almost identical to the way that they are killed in game. The plot progresses as the gamers unravel the mystery of the killer game. Eventually they're lead to an old mansion in the Lousiana countryside where legend has it that the Countess Bathory slew young girls to bathe in their blood for eternal youth.

Now I know that some people are just itching to point out that the Legend of Countess Elizabeth Bathory is actually a legend from 17th century Hungary, which is now Slovokia. But you have to ask yourself this question: Which is going to make for a better movie: an ancient Hungarian legend transported to Louisiana or 5 teens in Slovokia sporting Alienware laptops looking for a game developer who's working in an castle which is not only without electricity, but also a popular tourist spot and national monument? Its hard to fight off creepy ghosts with so many people taking pictures in the back round. So grant William Brent Bell and Matthew Peterman a small amount of artistic licence for choosing the lesser of two evils.

Eventually, the survivors make their way to an old plantation where the game developers decided to set up camp and create a game based on the old Bathory legend. In one corner we have Jon Foster, Samaire Armstrong and TV's Frankie Muniz as the players who live long enough to get to the last level (so to speak) of the movie. In the other corner we have little known actress Maria Kalininia as the Countess.

"...and then she totally wanted me to sign her chest as "Malcom", and I was like, "Honey I have a name, and its not "Malcom". But I did it anyway because she had a huge rack... Hey, pass those chips bro, I'm totally starving over here."

Quick Note: Alice Krige, the borg queen and creepy cult leader in Silent Hill is also in this movie listed as "The Author". As to whether or not "The Author" is interchanged with the Countess in the movie, I wouldn't be able to say without another viewing, as The Countess appears to be overlaid with CGI in most shots.

Well, that, and I'd had a few.

The movie concludes as the kids make their play to seal off the Countess and prevent their own deaths. There's not a whole lot more I can say as it would spoil the ending, but things get pretty well wrapped up by the credits. Expect a standard movie ending without many of the "twists" that you would expect from someone like, oh, I dunno, M. Night Shyamalan. There is one thing that did surprise me, but you'll pick up on it if you watch the movie.

I have to admit that I'm partial to this movie as it contains numerous survival/horror game references, and at one point Frankie Muniz gets to recite the Konami code (Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A for those of you who don't know). I guess this is the code to unlock the extra "Game Over" scene where Colonel Campbell screams "Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAAKKKEEE?!?!" whenever a character dies.

Voice from over the phone: "...and then I was like, totally Tiffany! You are so right. I mean like "Oh my God!" and then Debbie came over and she was wearing these new shoes she, like, got at the mall, and I was like, "cute shoes Debbie" and she was like... hey Jon? Jon? Jon are you even listening to me? Tell me you're not playing one of those stupid games again."

Jon Foster: "..."

There's plenty of gore in the unrated version, and the death scenes are all appropriately amusing, though the one character driving a Fiero doesn't burst into flames as would be appropriate for the owner of a Fiero. Fans of video games of the horror and FPS genre will find this movie entertaining; but as a gamer I found that the CGI scenes for the game, while pretty, reveal little about the game's actual mechanics. One character does mention that this is a "Third Person Shooter", but it doesn't really seem to work as there are several scenes from the first person perspective while the game is being played and the camera doesn't really center unless there's only one player on the screen.

If you're looking for a good horror movie and like video games, this would make a good rental. I don't want to spoil it, but an Alienware laptop's shiny 1337 case plays an important part in the last scene. Three cheers for product placement! Its part of how bad movies can keep getting made.

Man-Thing

Welcome back Sporefans. In this week's review we will focus on the mystery and terror of the Sci-Fi pictures release of the 2005 movie "Man-Thing". For those of you who don't already know, Man-Thing is a character from Marvel comics, and it is the focus of a cheaply made movie originally to be released directly to DVD but was broadcast by the Sci-Fi network. If you're looking for any other type of "Man-Thing", I suggest you look elsewhere. Pervert.















I'd like to think that I have a unique perspective on this movie, because I have little to no prior knowledge of the comic or its contents. Because of my ignorance, there's no way for me to compare the movie to the original concepts laid out in the comics, and I could do a pure review of the movie alone. I know that some of my readers are familiar with "Man-Thing" in its comic book incarnation, and you may have your own opinion as to how the movie fared either on its own or by comparison. But in my untainted and uneducated view, this was a piece of crap.

Here's a quick overview of the plot for all of you who were spared from watching this Man-Thing-movie. A guy in a boat shows up to the small town of Bywater in some Southern state in the US. Apparently this guy is Kyle Williams, played by Matthew Le Nevez, and he's the new Sheriff in town. Using his super-sleuth abilities, Kyle asks the ferry man "Why is it (the town) called Bywater?". The stereotypically grizzled and dirty ferryman sarcastically replies "Cause it's by the water". This is a pretty good indication of how the rest of this movie is going to turn out, as most of the characters are crafted to re-enforce the stereotypes of the denizens of the deep South. Ironically, the movie was actually filmed in Australia using mostly Australian actors.
As the film progresses, Sheriff Williams is drawn into a fight between some environmental activists who are predictably the protagonists, and some big faceless corporation doing something bad to mother earth who are just as predictably the antagonists. Its not made entirely clear exactly what the bad, bad corporation is doing to the sacred Indian land that they bought from the local tribe, but if there are oil tanks in the back round and flames coming out of smokestacks, you can be pretty sure it has to do with oil.

At this point the movie introduces the leading lady, Teri Elizabeth Richards played by Rachael Taylor, who is an environmental activist/3rd grade school teacher. Also making their first on screen appearance is the main villain Frederic Schist, played by Jack Thompson as well as his number one son Jake Schist, played by Thompson's real life son Patrick Thompson. Keep your eyes open, as "Schist" is plastered over a lot of the surfaces of the buildings and machinery in this movie. Yes, this movie is full of Schist.

Enter "Man-Thing", as a shadowy moving tree/man shaped thing that kills one of the refinery workers. Now, for all of you who don't know, Man-Thing is a giant green tree looking thing with big red eyes. In the imdb plot outline, it lists Man-Thing as "a shambling swamp-monster whose touch burns those who feel fear.".

Well, I don't know anything about burning people with a touch, because the Man-Thing in this movie appears to like to shove a root or tentacle or something up the rear end of whomever it decides to kill and grow a tree in their guts. This is... well frankly, really really gay. Not only does this shambling menace get saddled with the name Man-Thing but it also likes to kill people through their butts. My personal theory is that Man-Thing was originally a character in "Deliverance" but was cut out because having a shambling tree thing sodomizing Ned Beatty didn't make any sense.











I kept waiting for those guys from "Queer eye for the straight guy" to show up and try and give Man-Thing a makeover.


So as the "plot" (and I use that term loosely) progresses, some people get killed in the aforementioned way, there are some Indian prophecies, and they eventually reveal that Man-Thing is some sort of sacred guardian. According to Pete Horn, the old Indian guy in the movie who knows all about this sort of thing (played by Rawiri Paratene), Man-Thing is the guardian spirit of "The Nexus of All Worlds". Who decided to put "The Nexus of All Worlds" in the middle of a swamp? Is Man-Thing angry that the white man is taking oil from his swampy home, or is he just pissed off that he has to spend eternity guarding the crappiest place on Earth?

There are a lot of things in this movie that stand out like some Schist on a sidewalk on a warm Summer day. There's a diner scene where the new Sheriff tries to get some coffee. After interacting with the local yokels, there's a bit where the old Indian guy who knows stuff pours sugar all over the counter and begins to do sand drawings. As one of The Damned pointed out "This tribe lives in a swamp. Why would this guy be doing sand paintings. There isn't a lot of sand in a swamp."

It should also be noted that pouring sugar all over the counter at a diner will probably piss off your waitress and get you kicked out onto the street. Not that I know that from personal experience.

The movie continues as the Sheriff and his cowardly Deputy investigate the mystery of the refinery workers killing by taking a crappy little boat out into the middle of the swamp in the dark of night. After giving a rousing speech about how the "Dark Water" area of the swamp gives him the willies, Deputy dead guy is predictably dispatched, leaving Sheriff Williams to feel a small pang of guilt over basically dragging someone out to their death.

Then, after the "Oops, my bad" moment is over, the Sheriff meets a bit character: Mike Ploog, played by Robert Mammone. Originally, I was going to leave Ploog out of this, but after some great dialogue I had to throw him in here. Check out this great scene:

Ploog: Can you smell that, Sheriff? It's the perfume of my future. Point, click, fame. [hears Man-Thing roaring out in the swamp]
There it is! Gotta go. Good luck out there, man! It's the cover of Life magazine, man!

Sheriff: Life magazine? Life magazine went out of business, you SPORING idiot!


And of course, Ploog gets plugged by the Man-Thing.










Make sure to cover your butt as the Man-Thing approches!


Eventually the ecologically sound school marm leads the Sheriff to the shack of the mythical Pete Horn, dabbler in sugar. His wonderful shack is surrounded by abandoned cars which are on fire for no apparent reason. This caught me as particularly absurd, so I decided to take a page from Man-Thing's handbook and do a little "probing" of my own, only for information and not up people's butts.

According to imdb, the tribe depicted in the movie is supposed to be the Seminole tribe. It turns out that the real Seminole people were the first tribe to set up a casino on their lands back in 1979, and as a result they have a lot of money. Let me say this again just to be clear.

They have a lot of money.

In fact, the Seminole tribe recently purchase the Hard Rock cafe chain of resturaunts. Also, just to confirm, there is no mention of sand painting on the Seminole tribe's website. Did I mention that they have a website?

OK, so the movie industry isn't renowned for its accurate depiction of reality, especially on direct to DVD horror movies made for a mere $7.5 million, which Sci-Fi scoops up and broadcasts as a "Sci-Fi Premiere" about twice a year. The Seminole thing aside, there are dozens of other things planted about this movie that make it pretty painful to watch. The plot is shoddy with no character development and there's very little backstory to help ease the audience into the film. You get the feeling that you're walking into a conversation about half way through and then spend the rest of the movie trying to catch up.












In this scene, the Schist really hits the fan.


The director also decided that Man-Thing "sees" in flashy jump-cut sequences, which give the impression that Man-Thing is perpetually both tripping on acid and taking large amounts of speed. The effect also gets re-used for the dream sequences and visions that the Sheriff recieves on occasion for no apparent reason. I guess Brett Leonard, director of this stinker, thought that he could cover up the purile script with some effects and flashy camera work, but his efforts fall flat and only draw attention to the movie's faults. I see a trend here, as some of Leonard's other works are "Virtuosity", "T-Rex: Back to the Cretaceous" and "Highlander: The Source".

On a side note, if you're not familiar with that last Highlander title, don't fret, its due out in 2007.

The final nail in the coffin is that none of this is made any more bearable by Sci-Fi's editing, which cuts out all nudity, most of the violence and replaces all the profanity with flat voice overs of a specially picked and trained Sci-Fi intern saying "shoot" or "darn" where appropriate. I don't know what's worse, the unnecessary amounts of profanity that were inserted into the script because the writers thought it would be more adult if they cursed, or Sci-Fi's edits making all the more apparent that there's a great deal of content missing.

So in the end, this movie is typical of the made for DVD stock that Sci-Fi likes to show off (because it cost them nothing to make), full of cheap flashy effects, sound and fury, but ultimately its full of Schist.

Teenage Zombies

Hello again Sporefans. This week we have a quickie review of "Teenage Zombies". This movie was a gift that I recieved from one of The Damned which came in a 2 pack with "Teenagers from Outer Space". From the looks of the 2 pack I deduced that way back in 1959 people feared teenagers. I guess 1959 isn't too different from today in that aspect.















I like how the cover proclaims this movie to be a "cult classic" despite the fact that I've never heard of a cult that revolved around this movie.


Teenage Zombies tells the story of 4 teens, 2 guys and 2 girls, who go boating and explore a small island somewhere in the un-named body of water near the un-named town in some state in the U.S.A. The island happens to be the home of the evil Dr. Myra and her zombie horde. You can tell that she's evil because A) she's an adult and B) she's a brunette in a 1950's B-movie. Also, the zombies are a good hint that's she's up to no good.

Once discovered, Dr. Myra sends her zombies after the teens, and sends some more zombies to steal their boat. Now it should be noted that the zombie horde is only in 1 scene, shot from afar, and are just walking from one place to another on this island. After that, there's only one zombie: Igor. I'd like to tell you more about Igor, to give you a better picture of his hopes, his dreams, and his life before being turned into a zombie; but unfortunately the script just says "Igor: a zombie". Expect this type of depth for the remainder of the movie, in pretty much every aspect you can think of.











Igor: a zombie. Please also note that while the shot is in color, the movie is in the original black and white format. If they touched up the film quality and re-edited the sound this movie could be a piece of crap.


Now, I want to be clear on something. Way back in the day, before the 1968 movie "Night of the Living Dead", most movie zombies were portrayed as people who's mind were blank or controlled. They were not popularly undead until after Romero changed the zombie movie genre. Another great example of zombies pre-Romero was the 1941 movie "King of the Zombies", which I should review sometime. So the zombies of "Teenage Zombies" are not dead, they're just brainless. But why would anyone want to make people brainless? Why?

Because they're Un-American. That's why!

It seems that Dr. Myra is working for some foreign power who wants to take over the U.S. by making everyone mindless slaves. They commission Dr. Myra to develop some type of nerve gas pellets that make people into zombies. The pellets prove untrustworthy, but when they do work they make someone into a permanent zombie, like Igor. When the agents from the evil government show up and demand results, Dr. Myra suggests that they use a gas agent instead. The gas would make more people into zombies, but could be counter-acted if a skilled chemist got a hold of it. Which is good, because no one in 1959 would sit through the movie if the teenagers were made into permanent zombie slaves of a foreign power.

At this point there's a quick cut to some government men talking of government things. Things like, "Hey, did you know that there's some zombie making doctor planning on taking over America somewhere in the Mid-West experimenting on teens?" And government man 2 says something like "Yes, but we've no idea where the lab is, so we can do nothing. The only thing we can do is prepare for the worst. Maybe we could save 20% of the population." Don't worry, you never see these guys again in the movie. I don't even know why this scene was here. Its probably some statement about impotentce, but only Jerry Warren knows for sure, and he probably took that secret to the grave with him in 1988.

Anyhoo, Dr. Myra, with 4 teens in her custody and while being pressured to test this new gas by the evil agents, decides to test the new zombie gas on... a gorilla. Yeah. Once the gas hits the angry ape, its bedtime for Bonzo. Meanwhile, the 2 guys escape from their cage. Using their limited brain capabilities, they somehow convince the girls (who are in a separate cage) that staying locked up in the evil science lab is a good idea. Then the "two yout's" go out and try to find their boat. The one they already looked for and couldn't find earlier in the movie. Good job guys.

Just before dawn, team brainiac decides it "sure would be a swell idea, gosh golly to build a raft" and escape from the island on it. Using some crap that they found on the beach and some twine, they kind of, sort of, fashion something that might be a raft if you worked on it with some real materials for 4-5 hours. Then they hide their shame in the weeds and head back to their cage, before Igor figures out that they're gone. It really says something that these two fear being outwitted by a brainless zombie.

So, eventually, the girls get turned into zombies. There's some fighting, some shooting, and somebody dies. The counter-zombie formula is found a few minutes later and the girls are normal again. So much for the teenage zombie aspect of teenage zombies. Eventually, the gorilla finds some of the anti-zombie formula and goes ape on everyone.

I can feel your pain, you know. Your sweet, sweet pain.

The teens escape back to the mainland and turn in the evil Dr. Myra and the only living agent left, and then, completely un-scarred from their ordeal, dash to the car parked out front and drive away to go horseback riding.

So ends the flat, unsurprising tale of "Teenage Zombies". I'd say that there was a surprising lack of teenage zombies in this movie, but after the lack of vampires in "The Malibu Beach Vampires" this doesn't seem so bad by comparison. If you're looking for a nice, safe, tame movie, this is the one for you. This movie is about as scary as a bowl of plain, butterless mashed potatoes. If you've got the time to watch this movie, you'd be better off getting an extra 73 minutes of sleep instead.

Parasite

Good evening Sporefans. Today we have another exiting review for you all. Today we'll be focusing on the "de-evolution" of movies by comparing two movies. One of these movies is a classic and a defining example of the horror film genre. The other movie is a piece of crap.

Today we will compare the 1979 classic "Alien" directed by Ridley Scott and "Parasite" a 2004 flop directed by Andrew Prendergast. These two movies are so similar and yet so different. I mean, one of them's actually good.

Lets start by introducing how the movies are similar. Alien is a movie about a group of people who are trapped in a large industrial ship with no one to help them. The intrepid crew works diligently for a faceless company and are isolated on a mining ship in space. The crew discover an alien life form, and I don't mean ALF, which attacks and kills the crew until there is only one survivor who escapes from the alien's clutches.

The movie Parasite has almost the exact same plot. Parasite is a movie about a group of people who are trapped on a large oil rig in the middle of a hurricane with no one to help them. The insipid crew works (occasionally, when they're not communally showering) for a corrupt company who has sent them to test a new experimental enzyme that eats oil residue. The crew accidentally overdose a lamprey, or eel, or something which attacks and kills the crew until the leading couple are the only two survivors who eventually escape from the oil rig.











This is what's left of the crew and the eco-terrorists after half the movie. The lug holding the flashlight and the girl with the target painted on her shirt are the least annoying actors left in this group. Guess which ones get killed off first.


So at a glance, the overall plot of these two movies is pretty much the same. But now we get to view some incredible differences. The most glaring of which is talent. The cast of Aliens are all professional actors and actresses who spent most of the movie improvising the dialogue. This shows a great deal of trust in the ability of the cast of Alien. The cast of Parasite can hardly be counted upon to deliver their lines. In fact, it appears that acting ability was directly inverse in proportion to the size of the role in the movie. While many of the supporting characters work well, the 3 main leads look like their auditioning for a high school play.

Actually in all good conscience I can't make that statement, as its too insulting to junior thespians everywhere to have to be in a comparison to these schmucks.

Saskia Gould is the worst of the 3, as her portrayal of Dr. Christine Hansen is grating when at its best, and sickening the other 98% of the time. Conrad Whitaker plays Mickey, the pretentious looking eco-terrorist who's acting is as pretentious as his character. G.W. Stevens starts the movie as the fake protagonist and presents a fairly decent portrayal until his character "breaks" under the pressure. After that it becomes apparent that while Stevens does have some small amount of talent, its not enough to counteract the horrible script, which was pasted together by no less than five separate writers. Compare that with the two writers for Alien, one of which worked on both the original story and then completed the screenplay solo.












"Dude, I'm like all about saving the planet and stuff, and that's deep. Chicks dig that, you know. But you wouldn't understand that because you're not cool like I am.
...
Hey, aren't you a giant mutated lamprey?"


Pretty much right after they inroduced "Mickey", The Damned and I started rooting for the monsters.

Speaking of scripts, the script for Parasite contains huge plot holes, the most glaring of which revolves around the motivation of the eco-terrorists. In the beginning of the movie there is a sequence shot in video of 3 masked men raiding a corporate installation and stealing information. The information stolen is about the enzyme that eats oil and the oil rig where the final stage testing is to occur.

This actually leads us to another minor plot hole: When the information is stolen, evil corporate head honcho man moves up the testing schedule so that months of lab testing are overlooked and the live demonstration at the oil rig is set to commence in the next couple of days. Turns out his sole motivation was to get Dr. Hansen killed, but how was faceless corporate head honcho man to know that the enzyme would mutate lampreys?

Well, the cleaning crew arrives and sets about cleaning all the oil residue off the oil rig... and also mutating some lampreys by O.D.ing them on the cleaning agent. Then, the eco-terrorists show up and take everyone hostage. This is pretty amazing, as the eco-terrorists show up completely unarmed, and are out manned 3 to 4. The eco-terrorists explain that they want to stop the sinking of the oil rig because the oil will harm the fish.

Now, they must have read the info that they stole at the beginning of the movie to find out where this test was taking place, so did they just skip the part where the entire point of the test was to provide an environmentally safe way to sink the oil rig and create a new reef formation? Granted, it also mutates lampreys, but no one knew that until someone screwed up the ratio of enzyme to water and made a super potent batch 1000 times more concentrated than anything made previously in the labs.

Finally lets have a look at the creatures themselves. In 1979, before the revolutionary changes brought about by computer animation and special effects, a crew of special effects artists took the conceptual work of H.R. Geiger and made it come to life using foam, latex, and even shellfish and the internal organs of a few animals. With 25 years in the advance of the special effects industry, you would think that Parasite would be able to keep up with their sophisticated computer animation. Guess again.

I will say that the most prominent shortcoming of the computer animation techniques is that the animated effects never look real when matted onto the film with the live action. There have been great advances in this field, and it is becoming less noticeable as time goes on, but computer animation is a technique that should be used sparingly, and could greatly benefit from filming live action models and overlaying them into the scene later. Its also a great way to film a scene that would be too dangerous for actors to film outright. A good example is the movie "Snakes on a Plane", where the snakes biting the passengers are CGI.

In Parasite, all of the moving monster effects are CGI. There are a few spots where they filmed cocoons which were made out of latex, but anytime the monster is moving at all, its CGI. Now lets consider the following: This movie is called "Parasite". The creatures in the movie are not parasites. They prey on the crew members and eat them whole, which is how Predator's operate.

Well, that and heat vision.

Parasites are supposed to infest their hosts and feed off of them while they live. The writers could have gone with smaller invasive parasites which actually would have made for a scarier and overall better movie. They would have been able to combine the real latex and foam techniques which evolved from many an 80's horror movie with CGI effects for the Parasites moving under the actor's skin (creepy, ain't it? Click it. Click the link. I dare you. I totally dare you to click this link you chicken.). Instead, somebody probably watched that awful 1998 movie "Deep Rising" with Famke Janssen and though giant eel lamprey creatures were cool. Add in the fact that CGI is cheap in 2004 and you get giant killer lampreys.

Now that I think about it, "Deep Rising" is another movie in this genre, has pretty much the same plot as Parasite without the enzyme. The only difference is that Deep Rising had a $45 million dollar budget. Compare that with the $11 million budget to the original Alien.




















Check out this wicked bar graph. I totally stole this idea from that esuarez guy from The Foreign Object.


When we factor in the 3rd movie, you can see the downward curve of this genre of movie, and I think its time make our escape from Parasite. Oh, wait. We can't escape from this movie just yet, because there is one more incredible piece of ridiculousness that I have to lay on you all, and it has to do with escape.

So, lets play a game. You are the designer of an oil rig. You need to design an escape system that the crew can use in case of an emergency to evacuate your facility. Now, lets pick one of the 3 following options.

Option A: Life boats. Tried and true, but their deployment might be a little hazardous in storms, and boats made from wood are easily broken against the metal pilings of the rig. Still, not bad and will get you back to land if you have enough fuel.

Option B: Inflatable life rafts. There are inflatable life rafts that are designed to be used in storms, where there is a canopy over the top of the raft. It may not go anywhere, but you'll be safe on the raft until a rescue crew shows up for you.

Option C: A multi-million dollar electrically powered escape pod which requires the oil rig's generators to be functional to launch said pod 50 feet out into the water away from the oil rig. It should also be noted that this escape pod has only 2 seats, is controlled remotely by a computer in the main terminal of the rig and has no manual over-ride.

All of you who chose option C, pat yourselves on the back really, really hard, because you qualify to write the sequel to parasite. Everyone else can go home and do something else less shameful.

Saskia Gould shows off her "lifeboats". I guess this is how she got the lead.

The Malibu Beach Vampires

Welcome back Sporefans. Many of you have been awaiting the first review of the new year, the much talked about movie "The Malibu Beach Vampires". Some of you were present at the screening of this movie, and a couple of you even survived. In honor of that momentous feat of daring, you brave souls have been elevated from minions to a new elite rank: The Damned.










Congratulations on your promotions.

The rest of you may now know the torments that they suffered as it is chronicled here in this review. May Cthulhu have mercy upon our twisted souls. I will now write the rest of this review while listening to some mood music, which you can listen to here.

Tune in Sporefans, cause its gonna get nice and heavy.











After all the pain waivers were signed, our magical journey into the heart of darkness began with a rousing, extended version of that 1965 classic song, "Beach Blanket Bingo". Whilst we were made to listen to this remixed 60's surf diddy, our ocular nerves were assaulted with the introduction to the night's viewing entertainment, "The Malibu Beach Vampires". We were made horrifyingly aware that certain actors and actresses, if they could be called as such, were to portray a bevy of original characters such as "Christina Walker as the Chairperson, Malibu Vampires, Inc", "Rod Sweitzer as Colonel Oliver West", Francis Creighton as Rev. Fakker" and lets not forget "Cherie Romans as the Girl who failed her S.A.T.".











There is no caption in the world that could make this image any better than it already is.

All this was accomplished as scenes of 4 girls in bikinis danced badly in a badly choreographed dance number on a beach somewhere that was probably not Malibu. We were also treated to several shots of seagulls and a passer-by or two on the beach which was then intermixed with the four twits playing air guitar and performing the monster mash so the editor could pad out the insipid number.

After about 11 or 12 minutes of this, we were treated to some dialogue between one of the vampires and someone that might have been Colonel West, as the flimsy premise for the movie is revealed. The Malibu Beach Vampires have come up from the underworld, not to drink the blood of humans, but to inject corrupt people with truth serum from their fangs, forcing them to tell the truth or die. At this point the sexually harassed vampire bares her fangs at West, as seen below.










Sexy.

The sight of these "venomous" fangs does nothing to stop West's lust for the vampire girl, and the two proceed to make out on the beach.

The plot eventually shifts over to Rev. Fakker and his wife Pammy Faye, whose television church appears to be in a converted dance studio. And by "converted" I mean that they threw a curtain over one of the mirrored walls, and only one wall. A second musical number is doled out by the Fakker dance squad for no apparent reason. After the number draws to a well needed close, the Reverend Fakker brings out a "cripple" in a wheelchair so that he might proceed with some of his good ol' fashioned faith healing.

Did I mention the cripple was wearing tap shoes and couldn't keep his legs still for the entire scene? I didn't? Did I also mention that the tap dancing cripple who couldn't play a cripple and had no speaking lines in the movie was the best actor in the entire production?

After this tap number, the plot gets a little hazy. There are some girls time sharing with Reverend Fakker who have some sort of scene where they discuss their dreams. The blonde one... oh wait... the blonde one with the curly hair reveals that she wants to be just like Cher, hence the name of her character "Wannabe Cher". At that point, the film editor decided that he wanted to do something classy and special to inform the audience that the following clip was intended as a dream sequence.

So he used a star wipe.

Somehow, in Wannabe Cher's dream sequence (which is supposed occur while she is speaking to the two other girls and therefore conscious) Wannabe Cher is attacked by a vampire and is forced to fend off the beast with her award, which is most definitely a lamp of some sort. I must commend the actress ability to portray a girl so stupid that her own daydream becomes a nightmare. Its almost as if it came naturally to her.










I love how this "award" has a bunch of wires in its hollow base.

After the Night-daydream-mare sequence, the plot completely goes down the crapper, as bits of a mock Oliver North-like trial are interspersed with a plot about a corrupt politician and more segments from the Reverend Fakker.

The movie was obviously trying to make some political statement. Unfortunately, the only statement that the Damned and I could interpret from this movie is that "Corruption is bad". There are scene's which allude to some conspiracy between the Reverend Fakker, Colonel West and the politician, but the movie never explains how the three "bad men" are in cahoots to hide the Colonel's use of CIA money to buy bikinis. The movie also sends mixed messages about how the men's corruption is inherently evil, as they are all obviously guilty of having extramarital affairs, and yet are constantly surrounded by vampires and women in bikinis having a good time.

Another great feature of this vampire movie is the extreme lack of vampires. The movie centers mostly around badly written scenes that allude to some acts of corruption, with some occasional extra crap thrown in for filler. We spent most of the movie trying to figure out what was going on, as the scenes shifted from one storyline to another, frequently re-using actors and actresses to play new parts or possibly the same part at a much different time. There was little delineation between scenes that were actually occurring and scenes that occurred in the character's vast and empty minds.

Reverend Fakker and "Little Vlad" share a moment.

Speaking of scenes, there were about 3 main sets for the most of the movie. The beach, the Fakker television chapel/dance studio and the trial/speech areas that were shot against a black cloth backdrop, most likely a high school or community college auditorium. The rest of the scenes were shot in the cast and crew's homes, including one one living room shot and two bedroom shots.

I'm sorry, there was one other location. It was supposed to be a walk in closet. Unfortunately, no one in the production owned a walk in closet, so they just filmed the scene in a regular closet and had the girls walk into it. I guess the budget didn't allow for a script doctor, which is of little consequence as they would have needed a script mortician instead. With a little work, they might have been able to pull off a closed casket funeral.

So, as the Damned and I watched the numbers slowly increase on the front of my DVR, hinting at our eventual release from this vile garbage that assaulted our minds, a wondrous and humorous event occurred on the screen.

At 1 hour, 7 minutes and 49 seconds, someone was finally bitten by a vampire.

While it is technically true that Colonel West was "bitten" by a vampire, it was done accidentally... while they were making out. What we were witnessing at 1 hour, 7 minutes and 49 seconds was a true bite, full of intent and as vicious as 2 years of high school acting could produce. Could this be? Could the movie actually develop a plot and save itself ever so slightly from the murky depths it had plunged to?

To my amazement, the credits rolled at 1 hour, 10 minutes and 35 seconds. And with that, "The Malibu Beach Vampires" sank to the bottom of the murky depths of the motion picture toilet were it so belonged. Unfortunately for me, my copy of "The Malibu Beach Vampires" didn't fit down the toilet so well, and all I got for my trouble was a wet floor and a bill from the plumber.


















The horror. The Horror.

Announcements and a Double Header Review

Announcements:

Welcome back Sporefans. I've got a couple of announcements to make and then we have not one, but two reviews. First off I have to tell all my loyal readers that I'm heading back to college to finish up my degree. While this means that my writing will improve and hopefully bring even more entertainment to my readers, it also means that I might miss a week or two here and there. Sorry Sporefans, but you don't pay me enough to make this my full time job.

Actually, you don't pay me at all.

Second announcement is the new tag line for the website. Check the top of the site to see our new slogan.

Third, I'm holding a contest. Its time to replace the Spored to Death logo under my profile. I'm holding an open contest to all my readers with artistic talent. Or crayons, I don't care. The contest is to design the new Spored to Death publishing logo. There are only a few criteria for this. It must be original artwork, it must have some sort of mushroom or fungus theme, and it would be preferable if it were somewhat cute. The winner will receive a "Minion" T-Shirt. The contest will run until I get a winner or, after no one enters I get off my butt and make a logo myself.

Which means you have lots of time.

And now for the big announcement. While there will be no review next week, the week between Christmas and New Years, the first review of January will be a MAJOR review. I've been holding out on you Sporefans for some time now. You see, I have a movie so vile, puerile and incredibly awful that even I cringe at the thought of watching it in its entirety.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the first Spored to Death Publishing review for 2007 will be "The Malibu Beach Vampires".

Don't miss this review Sporefans, as it will most undoubtedly leave me a broken and twisted shell of my former self, and as we all know: that's entertainment.

And now for this weeks reviews...


Aliens Gone Wild:

First up we have a little film called "Aliens Gone Wild". I ordered this little gem from our local cable company and paid my $5 to see what all the fuss was about. You've got to love On-Demand: they charge you $5, don't give you a preview, and you have to believe whatever they type in as an accurate description of the movie you're trying to order. Which means even if they're lying through their teeth you've already paid your $5. Now, I'm not saying that my cable company is run by a bunch of incompetent liars.

Wait a minute, that's exactly what I'm saying.

The movie led me to believe that I was ordering something of the caliber of a Naked Gun or Scary Movie picture: full of big name stars doing bit parts around a mediochre comedy. But what I actually got was a montage of clips of other movies which had been sewn together and slapped in a can. I'm sorry, but when I order a movie called "Aliens Gone Wild" I expect to see a bunch of drunk grey aliens lifting up their spacesuits and exposing their chests only to explode (or is it implode?) due to the dreaded vacuum of space. This movie lacked both alien boobs and explosions (implosions?) in deep space, so its a huge letdown in my book.

Also there was no plot in this movie, just the best of the worst movies ever produced by some movie company that I've probably never heard of and that probably never went anywhere. While I did find this "best of the worst" compilation entertaining, it was pretty disappointing when you consider what I thought I was getting. The list of stars even included Demi Moore and George Takei. I saw Demi Moore somewhere in a clip of the movie "Parasite" but George Takei was no where to be found. I refuse to believe that the one chubby Asian guy I saw piloting a giant robot scorpion was George Takei, no matter what was listed on the cable company's credits.















She went from this to doing "Ghost". Demi, what were you thinking? Why would you ever agree to be in "Ghost"? Why, Demi? WHY?!?!


On a side note, I should send Mr. Takei my copy of "Dark Heritage". He may appreciate it more than I do. You know what I mean.

Even more frustrating is the fact that because "Aliens Gone Wild" isn't a movie in the traditional sense, it has no listing on IMDB. So even if someone were entertained enough by a clip to seek out one of the movies they saw, they might not be able to find the full version of the film. Luckily the publishing staff and I were able to pick out some scenes from "Dollman" and the "Trancers" series. This lack of proper credentials really steams my Zoosporic flagellum! But rest assured Sporefans, that I will track down these movies, so I can present their rotten goodness to you all.

One particular clip stands out among the rest. One of the six movies in the "Trancers" series (the fourth movie I believe) takes place in an alternate reality that has not advanced past ye olde medieval times. The Main Character Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) has been transported to this reality to fight the evil "Trancers", who are life force stealing vampires from the future. Unfortunately Jack's ray gun has been damaged, leaving Jack defenseless against the sword wielding Trancers and their human lackeys.














Jack Deth smokes because smoking is cool. You'd smoke too if you did 5 of the 6 movies in the Transer series. Because that would make you cool.


In one of the final scenes of the movie, Jack finally gets his ray gun working and zaps the evil Count who sought to invade Jack's home dimension or some other such nonsense. The Count's son, who has joined the good guys arrives to watch his father... well... just kind of stand there and glow. Realising that this is the end, the son pleads "Forgive me father!" With his dying breath, the Count exclaims viciously "I have no son!".Then, using advanced graphical techniques developed in the era of "Bewitched", "I Dream of Genie" and "Star Trek", the Count suddenly disappears into oblivion, right after disowning his offspring.

I had to stop laughing because if I didn't I'd either have passed out or peed myself. This was the funniest thing's I've seen in years. So Trancer's definitely gets put on the "To Review" list here at Spored to Death Publishing.


House of Blood:

House of Blood is the latest film from director/writer/actor/special effects supervisor Olaf Ittenbach. When I first saw the name Olaf Ittenbach, I knew that it sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite place the name. Then I remembered that Olaf was the writer/director for the 2001 stinker "Legion of the Dead". If I've never mentioned Olaf Ittenbach before, there's probably a good reason. Here's a good reason: "Legion of the Dead" was painfully bad. I haven't reviewed Legion because I saw it well before I began doing my reviews, but rest assured that one day it will receive the thrashing it deserves.

Lets move on to slightly greener pastures. "House of Blood" is not all that bad. Its a movie about a group of convicts who escape from a prison transport when it collides with a car. The convicts take the driver as a hostage and soon discover that he is a doctor, which is fortunate because one of them was unlucky enough to take a bullet in the arm. They wander about the woods of Washington trying to cross the border into Canada when they happen upon a cabin. The cabin is occupied by a family of backwards folk who look like they belong in the fjords of Scandinavia or some such place. The convicts take over the cabin, brandishing the firearms that they pilfered from the transport, giving the doctor time to amputate the arm of the prisoner who was shot.

Then, everyone turns into vampires.

This story sounds very familiar to me, as if I've seen or heard it somewhere before. Oh, wait. I know! This is the plot of "From Dusk till Dawn" only it takes place on the Canadian-US border and not just past the US-Mexico border. Also, all the things that made "From Dusk till Dawn" cool are completely missing in the Ittenbach translation.

So after the doctor, our protagonist, escapes from the jaws of the bloodthirsty undead, he is captured by the police. The police decide to take the good doctor into custody as a murder suspect on a collection of evidence that an 8 year old child could refute in a court of law. It is at this point that B-movie legend Jurgen Prochnow enters as a hard nosed cop asking the doctor some tough questions. Jurgen delivers his lines like a pro, collects his check and exits stage left for greener pastures. Lets hope that Mr. Prochnow's check doesn't bounce.

Jurger Prochnow asks Christopher Kriesa some tough questions. Questions like, "Where's my money?" and "When's Olaf's check gonna clear?" I wouldn't wanna be Kriesa right now.

So this gets us about 40 or so minutes into the movie. But wait! This movie is scheduled to run for 90 minutes! How will the writer/director/actor/whatever fill the remainder of the movie? What could he possibly do that will keep the audience entertained? What could possibly top the vampire attack sequence?

Are you stumped?

Well, I think that Olaf sure was stumped because he puts the good doctor in jail, which gets him on a prison transport on the exact same route as the first one and the whole movie happens all over again. New convicts, new injury (shot to the groin), same old plot.

Now a good circular plot isn't a bad thing. Its a nice way to leave the audience with a feeling that even though everything is all wrapped up the story will continue after the end of the movie. However, the idea behind a circular plot is that because the audience knows the story already, they don't need to sit through it a second time. Olaf! Learn to pad out your script!

This movie wasn't an atrocious piece of crap like Legion of the Dead; and it might be interesting to see how Olaf evolves as a writer/director/monkey/evil henchman of the dread-knuckled Uwe Boll, but the problems in this movie should have been ironed out in pre-production. Like in the script writing phase. This is what happens when you edit your own work.

Remember when Jurger Prochnow played "Captain Kirk" on the big screen? No? What's the matter with you? Go see "House of the Dead", or Uwe Boll will beat you up!

Did I mention that Mrs. Ittenback plays the lead female vampire trying to convert the vampires into non-human blood drinking vampires? What a nice rack. I mean Lady! Yeah, that's what I meant. A nice lady... who tries to get the vampires to only drink the blood of animals. Its like the vampire version of veganism, only with blood.

House of Blood is definitely a step up for the Ittenbach family. Lets hope that whatever movie Olaf decides to rip off next is as improved as this movie was over Legion of the Dead.

Dark Heritage

Welcome back, Sporefans. Today we have another exciting review in store for you. This week we'll be taking a look at the movie "Dark Heritage". This 1989 stinker comes all the way from Louisiana and let me tell you, there's no shortage of stink here. To start off, after I popped this movie into my DVD player I was treated to the sight of a pop-up screen before the main title which informed me that I was about to watch a movie entitled "DRAK Heritage". Confused, I looked at the box for the DVD and then back at the screen. Sure enough, the box said "Dark Heritage" and the screen displayed "Drak Heritage". A moment later, the chapter menu appeared and the title was corrected, but I knew that this was the sign of a great movie review.











Drak Heritage.


This movie is full of conflict, and what I mean to say by that is that this movie is conflicted. In fact, the title screen is the least conflicted part of this movie. There are several conflicts going on in this movie, such as Man vs. Authority, Man vs. Monsters and Man vs. his own repressed homosexual urges. Lots and lots of repressed homosexual urges.

After the introductory murders of a couple of bit players, the movie attempts to introduce Clint, who is a reporter sent to investigate the gruesome killings. Clint's employer, a creepy newspaper editor in a bad 70's suit and sunglasses has Clint pick up two guys who also work at the newspaper and drive out to an old mansion that local legends say are connected to the killings. Clint and the guys are ordered to take some time out there at the mansion and "see what happens". I'd like to provide names for these characters, but the sound quality was so bad I could hardly understand what was going on. For the sake of clarification, lets just call them "big gay guy" and "little gay guy with a mustache".

So the three amigos set off in a car older than God and drive out to the mansion. On the way, they have themselves a conversation about what they might encounter out in the spooky house. All the talk of the recent creepy events prompts little gay guy with a mustache to pull a magnum out of his pants.

The gun kind, not the condom kind.

We are thus supplied with our first phallic image of the movie, and there are a great many more to come. After the three amigos set up their video camera to "catch the exploits", Clint and the big gay guy take a nap (separately) while mustachio man watches them sleep. Eventually mustache man gets sleepy, and he wakes up the big gay guy to ask him to take over guard duty. Mustache guy tries to convince the big guy to "take his gun", but the big guy insists that the tiny little switchblade (phallic image # 2) he has in his pocket is enough protection. After a brief lover's quarrel, the big guy takes the gun, proving that he is the woman of this relationship.










Is this old man Dansen, or that muppet Waldorf? I can't tell.


Clint wakes up to find the dynamic duo missing during a fierce lightning storm. When it becomes apparent that they aren't off spending some "quality time" together, Clint decides to go back home with the video tape of the night's events.

Cut to Clint in a meeting with his creepy newspaper editor/father figure who tells Clint to forget the whole thing and take 3 weeks off with pay. What a nice man, I wonder if he has some ulterior motives.

After that, Clint decides to watch the videotape in the privacy of his own home. We are treated to a scene with Clint rewinding and re-watching the tape over and over as the big gay guy is knocked down and dragged off camera by some unseen force. It should be noted that only one of Clint's hands are visible during this entire scene.

Then Clint decides to go hang out a the local library. While reading a book about "this old house" (now kind of known to the viewers as the Dansen place), a couple of guys walk over and one of them proceeds to stand close behind Clint while reading over his shoulder in a most inapropriate way. After a brief argument, the two guys introduce themselves as paranormal investigators. Again, there's one with a beard and one with a polo shirt.

How about using a microphone other than the one attached to the camera, guys? Seriously, there's almost no understandable dialogue in the whole movie!

After discussing all the rumors and details of the old Dansen place, Clint and the new dynamic duo decide that the only logical thing to do... is completely ignore the house that they've been studying and investigate the campsite where the murders at the beginning of the movie took place. With flawless logic guiding them, the new super-friends hunt about the campgrounds. They find some fascinating clues, among them: a small pile of dirt with a small impression in the middle of it, and abandoned camper, and some rocks and sticks and other such crap that no one wanted.

This is the first time the movie reveals one of its primary means of plot development. Sometimes a character will suddenly pull a vital piece of information out from between their buttocks, for no apparent reason. This is usually reserved for important information that would have a major impact on the plot, but the writers have forgotten to mention for some reason.

Perhaps early senility is a problem in Louisiana.

As the team investigates the campgrounds, one of the paranormal guys says, "Hey, don't all the attacks occur during lightning storms? I think they do!", and the other one says, "Hey look! There's a storm blowing in! We'd better take cover in that camper!". The storm isn't the only thing that blows in this movie, as many more important plot points materialize out of some very bad dialogue. And when I say bad dialogue, I mean angsty teenage girl writing a fan-fic for Beverly Hills 90210 because she totally thinks that by expressing her feelings in writing Luke Perry will totally come to her and fall in love- bad.

The storm hits and the trio takes up temporary residence in the camper. In a scene so predictable that even its comical value is lost, polo guy peers out of the camper door during the storm and has his face ripped off. Somehow, despite all logic pointing to the contrary, Clint convinces bearded gay guy to bury his dead friend in a shallow grave in the middle of the woods. What a nice friend!

Now the reason I've explained so much of the plot is so that I could go over the dream sequence. Yes, there is a very, very, very gay dream sequence right in the middle of this movie. In the dream, Clint walks into the old Dansen place and finds his friends wandering around, all of whom appear dead. While the make up artist probably intended for Clint's friends to appear dead, the actual result is that the guys look like they are wearing way too much mascara and lip stick which makes them even more gay than when they were alive. In the dream big dead gay guy, little dead gay guy with a mustache and gay guy in a polo shirt now without a face all gang up on Clint and "get" him, making him wake up in a cold sweat.

As the movie progresses, bearded gay guy and Clint have a few lover's spats and finally decide that the best way to solve the mystery is to do some grave robbing. They find the old abandoned Dansen cemetery and dig one of the graves up to find, take a guess, an empty coffin. Under the coffin is a tunnel. After some more arguing, the guys decide to crawl into the tunnel and see where it leads (although even they mention that the tunnel probably leads directly to the old Dansen place). At first, the viewer might be concerned that our two on-screen buddies are about to crawl into an ill designed hole in the middle of the woods. But after about 5 seconds you'll notice that the "tunnel" is very obviously constructed of chicken wire and brown paper mache.

After crawling around the tunnel like a couple of hamsters, these two lost boys encounter one of the creatures. In probably the only redeeming shot in the movie, the creature remains just at the edge of the range of the flashlight, so that only it glowing eyes and fangs are visible. This is when bearded gay guy produces yet another phallic symbol from his backpack, a Desert Eagle. Of course, no one actually shoots at the monster because this movie couldn't obtain a fire arms permit. They wave the gun menacingly for a few seconds before the monster escapes.

Eventually, after spending a night huddled together "for warmth", the ambiguously gay duo find themselves back at the old Dansen place. Another lightning storm forces them to hide under the sheets that protect the furniture from dust. The monsters emerge from a door in the ground and run about the mansion like a bunch of monkeys on crack. One glance reveals that the monsters are simply wearing the same full black body-suits that the nihilists are wearing int he dream sequence from "The Big Lebowski" topped off with some dime store ghoul masks.The makeshift furniture forts that conceal the heroes prove not to be monster proof however, and bearded gay guy is eaten alive.

In the movies most anti-climactic climax, Clint confront's his boss, who is a decended from the Dansen family and has been covering up their dirty little secret. The creepy boss man tells Clint that "he's always liked Clint" and begs him to drop this story, but ultimately they wind up in a farcical fight. Both men draw guns, and when the only gunshot in the entire movie is fired, its accomplished be recording the sound of a phone book being dropped onto a table and played back while a close up shot of Clint's face is on screen. Both men stare at each other until creepy boss man hits the floor. Clint turns to see the creepy boss man's wife, who "always suspected that there was something wrong with her husband". It was she who fired the fatal shot, bringing an end 94 god-awful minutes of pain and anguish.

While the credits roll, you might suddenly become aware that during the entire film there were only 5 women on screen. There was one in the camper with her boyfriend who gets killed, a librarian with no speaking lines, two extras who are seen only in a distant shot outside the library and the creepy editors wife. These five women together only have about 4-5 minutes of screen time. The remaining 90 minutes of this movie are a total sausage fest. Couple that with the obvious couples spats that occur between the all male cast and you can't deny that Dark Heritage not only has issues, but that this movie might be better off staying in the closet, never again seeing the light of day.

G-Men from Hell

I get a lot of people who ask me "Why do you watch these movies?". I think that I need to stop telling people what I do with my spare time. If I wasn't an asexual fungus, I might be concerned that I'd frighten away most members of the opposite sex. Its a good thing that I only need to spread a bunch of spores and hope they find the right amount of humidity and a nice dark place to fester!

Well, I'd like to address this question as I begin this next review. You see, Sporefans, every bad little movie I watch is a small piece of entertainment that got made despite the fact that the creators never had a big Hollywood budget, or professional actors, or a studio, equipment, talent, etc., etc... But through perseverance and hard work, and probably through a few deeds better left unmentioned, someone has the drive to push their project though against all odds, only to have the fruit of their labor wind up on the back of the discount movie rack. Now in most cases, this is exactly where a movie belongs, because its a piece of crap. But every once in a while you find a real diamond amidst all the poop.

Now for the last few reviews I've taken it easy by reviewing some of the great Kaiju films of my youth, which is probably how I wound up doing movie reviews in the first place. But this week's all new review is right off the $3.99 shelf from the local Walgreen's. Little did I know that what I held in my hands was a complicated nexus of the B-movie world which seems to have seeped down from the streets of Hollywood through the cracks of time until it came to its final resting place.

On my movie shelf nestled between "Beast of the Yucca flats" and "Rocky Jones, Space Ranger beyond the Moon".















I speak, of course, of the movie from the year 2000 that almost no one has heard of, much less seen; Michael Allred's "G-Men from Hell". This movie is a veritable web of "Hey I know that guy from somewhere" as almost every member of the cast has had a part in a major work in their career. Lets start with William Forsythe as Dean Crept and Tate Donovan as Mike Mattress, the two G-Men in question. Forsythe has had a steady career since the 1980's and Donovan was not only the voice of Disney's "Hercules", but was also in the recent Academy award nominated movie "Good Night and Good Luck".

But wait! There's more!

Not only does this movie sport Forsythe and Donovan as the main characters, it also boasts Gary Busey as, and I quote, "...a sadistic leather master homosexual..."cop, and Robert Goulet as the devil himself. These men are household names, so I don't need to point out the large body of works that each of them has. Busey alone is a complicated nexus of the B-movie world. In a parallel universe people are playing the six degrees of separation game with Gary Busey instead of Kevin Bacon.











A new look for Busey.











Robert Goulet is very disappointed that you didn't see this movie.


Not enough cheese for you? Well there's also Kari Wuhrer as Marete, the G-Men's new and enthusiastic secretary. You may recognize Wuhrer from her role from TV's "Sliders", or as the spider squishing sheriff from the movie "Eight legged freaks". There's also Vanessa Angel as Gloria Lake, the ditzy wife of aging millionaire Greydon Lake (Barry Newman). You might have seen Ms. Angel in some of here more famous movies produced on the Sci-Fi channel, like "Sabertooth", "Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys", and also from the 1996 bowling comedy "Kingpin".
















Mrs. Gloria Lake does... um... stuff...
...
Yeah...
...


Still want some more stars? Well how about Bob "Bobcat" Goldthwait as a petty drug dealer named "Buster" who winds up getting himself shot to death by the G-Men, only to be re-incarnated in the body of a giant pink (well, reddish actually) robot. Comedian Paul Rodriguez also gets some screen time as "Weenie Man", an inept demon sent to Earth to retrieve the G-Men. And how about that Dr. Boifford? Doesn't he look exactly like the Big Lebowski from the movie "The Big Lebowski"? Well that's because he is the Big Lebowski, Lebowski.












No you damn puppet, I'm the big Lebowski!


Now let me show you what happens when you SPORE a stranger in the ass.

Oh, and I saved the best for last. Did I mention that this movie was directed by a Coppola? Yes, Christopher Coppala, nephew of the famous Francis-Ford Coppola and brother of Nicholas Cage. Of course, that means that his cousin was Sofia Coppola, whose movie "Lost in Translation" loses something in translation.











If you don't come back to Hell with me, the devil will make me watch "Lost in Translation" for 10,000 years. Its so UNRESOLVED!!!


Now with all this star power behind it, you'd have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with this movie to wind up on the $3.99 rack. That either the production quality was so bad or the script was so terrible that nothing could save this movie. But as you watch G-Men from Hell, you begin to realize that the script, while cheesy, isn't bad. There are no lines that leave you writhing in pain and no huge, out of paradigm plot holes, just a fun but over the top movie.

The production values are cheap, but there's nothing here that you wouldn't see in an old Roger Corman picture. Sure, hell is a sound stage in Hollywood, but who's to say Hell really isn't a sound stage in Hollywood. You know that Satan: full of irony!










Cheetah man gets a helping hand from an off screen grip. Either that or he's being felt up. Haha, felt get it?
.... (sigh) No love.

In fact, one of the moments that really impressed me about G-Men from Hell was when I realized that the movie not only had a coherent timeline that progressed over the course of 46 hours (48 hours was already taken), but instead of trying to force the time of day in some scenes with blue filters, the crew actually went out at 4-5am in California and shot in the wii hours of the dawn. Pretty impressive when you take into account that setup for those scenes could have started as early as 11 or 12 o'clock the night before.

G-Men from Hell is a movie that could become a cult classic. If you can find a copy out there, be sure to create a cult. Just don't drink the Kool-Aid.