Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon

Grab your decoder rings Spore fans, today we’re taking a break from our usual horror fare to traipse into the realm of Sci-Fi. OK, so it’s a short trip, as Sci-Fi and horror often cross over each other’s boundaries like European’s well, crossing each other’s national boundaries. Anyway, without further ado, I present "Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon".

Be afraid, er, I mean amazed!

Remember when you were a kid? How things used to be? When you used to come home and plunk yourself down in front of that giant old TV set? You know the one I mean. The 3 foot square box with a 10 inch screen with two huge speakers but without stereo sound. It had two great big knobs, one to turn it on and control the volume, and the other to change the channel. All 3 of them.

Well, if you do remember all this, then you were obviously a child in 1954, and you probably also remember “Rocky Jones, Space Ranger”. Yes, I bet you were adorable, sitting on the floor in your little playtime cowboy hat, sipping Ovaltine through a straw and getting most of it on the floor. Then your Dad would scold you for getting crap all over the carpet. Your Mom would come in and chide your Father for being to rough on you, to which he would respond “In my day, my Father would have slapped the freckles off of my damn face for that!” followed by him adding more ice to his scotch and muttering darkly about how the Commies were out to destroy America.

You remember that? Cause I sure don’t. I was born in the late seventies. Well, for all of us who didn’t get to see Rocky Jones when he was back on TV, we can buy a compilation of his TV episodes melded into movie format and watch the magic.

And by magic, I mean like that trick where you pull your thumb off with your other hand.

Yes, thanks to, you too can watch the adventures of Rocky, Winky, and little Bobby as they travel “Beyond the Moon”. Enjoy the hijinks as Rocky is forced to take a girl on as a member of the crew! Marvel at the incredible technical effects! Watch as faithful Winky helps Rocky fly the... (what the hell was the spaceships name again? Hang on a second… Gotta remember to take this out in the final copy… crap where did I put it… I know I left that DVD here somewhere… wait, how did it get in the fridge? Oh god, was that milk at some point?!?! How did it get all over the DVD? And why is it green? ) “The Orbit Jet”!

Winky: "Hey Rocky, how do you feel about having a girl on board?"

Rocky: "Well Winky, its a good thing I got my cootie shot."

Winky: "... What is that like the clap or something?"

But watch out! That little scamp Bobby flies off the handle and uses some pretty harsh language! Here’s a warning to the parents at home: tonight, Billy uses the “J” word! And by that I mean “Jeepers!”.

And one last bonus! This great piece of… television history comes with 2 free episodes of the original animated adventures of Superman! And for only $1!!! That’s right! Thanks to my connection at the Dollar Store, I got this movie for One frickin American dollar. That’s 10.9327 Mexican pesos amigo.

Now I understand that due to the limitations of the time, Rocky’s Orbit jet and space station may not look that great. But when you’ve seen 300,000 individually animated Orcs preparing to invade Helm’s Deep, Rocky may seem a bit dated. But as an avid fan of Giant Lizards stomping on Tokyo, I’m not to disappointed.

However, the writing and acting of the time is a bit unbearable. Unless you like old school Sci-Fi shtick, have a high tolerance for the 1950’s concept of Übermensch, or like to drink (that’s how the DVD got into the fridge!); you’ll probably find the characters of Rocky Jones not only dated but a little grating. Unfortunately a mind once expanded can not collapse back to its original shape. Watching Rocky Jones in 2006 is kind of like being a Lovecraftian hero who watches people go to a “normal” church. It just seems too simple and happy after Great Cthulhu has rent your mind in twain.

This also applies to Voltron. Trust me, its not as much fun as when you were 6.

So if you long for a great piece of American Television history, pick up a copy of “Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon!”. Or you could spend your money on porn or booze. Whatever floats your boat.

God Bless America and beware the red menace!


min said...

your ubermensch link doesn't work so good. it tries to link to abermensch, which good ol' wikipedia doesn't seem to have an entry for. try this instead:

esuarez said...

If voltron does not stand the test of time. Gobots has withered away into a dust. I actually put in a old vhs of gobots and recringed in horror at how bad children's programming was back in the 80's. Of course its probably coming a long way from the 1950's space ranger days.

Bless you Michael Bay for taking all my nostoglia love from transformers and raping it to your evil will.

min said...

gobots wasn't good even in the 80s. i would hardly use that as an example of children's programming of the time.

a poor man's transformers, that's for sure.

Spored_to_Death said...

OK, so there is a new review, but after I finished it, Blogger wouldn't let me upload it. I'll try again later.