G-Men from Hell

I get a lot of people who ask me "Why do you watch these movies?". I think that I need to stop telling people what I do with my spare time. If I wasn't an asexual fungus, I might be concerned that I'd frighten away most members of the opposite sex. Its a good thing that I only need to spread a bunch of spores and hope they find the right amount of humidity and a nice dark place to fester!

Well, I'd like to address this question as I begin this next review. You see, Sporefans, every bad little movie I watch is a small piece of entertainment that got made despite the fact that the creators never had a big Hollywood budget, or professional actors, or a studio, equipment, talent, etc., etc... But through perseverance and hard work, and probably through a few deeds better left unmentioned, someone has the drive to push their project though against all odds, only to have the fruit of their labor wind up on the back of the discount movie rack. Now in most cases, this is exactly where a movie belongs, because its a piece of crap. But every once in a while you find a real diamond amidst all the poop.

Now for the last few reviews I've taken it easy by reviewing some of the great Kaiju films of my youth, which is probably how I wound up doing movie reviews in the first place. But this week's all new review is right off the $3.99 shelf from the local Walgreen's. Little did I know that what I held in my hands was a complicated nexus of the B-movie world which seems to have seeped down from the streets of Hollywood through the cracks of time until it came to its final resting place.

On my movie shelf nestled between "Beast of the Yucca flats" and "Rocky Jones, Space Ranger beyond the Moon".















I speak, of course, of the movie from the year 2000 that almost no one has heard of, much less seen; Michael Allred's "G-Men from Hell". This movie is a veritable web of "Hey I know that guy from somewhere" as almost every member of the cast has had a part in a major work in their career. Lets start with William Forsythe as Dean Crept and Tate Donovan as Mike Mattress, the two G-Men in question. Forsythe has had a steady career since the 1980's and Donovan was not only the voice of Disney's "Hercules", but was also in the recent Academy award nominated movie "Good Night and Good Luck".

But wait! There's more!

Not only does this movie sport Forsythe and Donovan as the main characters, it also boasts Gary Busey as, and I quote, "...a sadistic leather master homosexual..."cop, and Robert Goulet as the devil himself. These men are household names, so I don't need to point out the large body of works that each of them has. Busey alone is a complicated nexus of the B-movie world. In a parallel universe people are playing the six degrees of separation game with Gary Busey instead of Kevin Bacon.











A new look for Busey.











Robert Goulet is very disappointed that you didn't see this movie.


Not enough cheese for you? Well there's also Kari Wuhrer as Marete, the G-Men's new and enthusiastic secretary. You may recognize Wuhrer from her role from TV's "Sliders", or as the spider squishing sheriff from the movie "Eight legged freaks". There's also Vanessa Angel as Gloria Lake, the ditzy wife of aging millionaire Greydon Lake (Barry Newman). You might have seen Ms. Angel in some of here more famous movies produced on the Sci-Fi channel, like "Sabertooth", "Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys", and also from the 1996 bowling comedy "Kingpin".
















Mrs. Gloria Lake does... um... stuff...
...
Yeah...
...


Still want some more stars? Well how about Bob "Bobcat" Goldthwait as a petty drug dealer named "Buster" who winds up getting himself shot to death by the G-Men, only to be re-incarnated in the body of a giant pink (well, reddish actually) robot. Comedian Paul Rodriguez also gets some screen time as "Weenie Man", an inept demon sent to Earth to retrieve the G-Men. And how about that Dr. Boifford? Doesn't he look exactly like the Big Lebowski from the movie "The Big Lebowski"? Well that's because he is the Big Lebowski, Lebowski.












No you damn puppet, I'm the big Lebowski!


Now let me show you what happens when you SPORE a stranger in the ass.

Oh, and I saved the best for last. Did I mention that this movie was directed by a Coppola? Yes, Christopher Coppala, nephew of the famous Francis-Ford Coppola and brother of Nicholas Cage. Of course, that means that his cousin was Sofia Coppola, whose movie "Lost in Translation" loses something in translation.











If you don't come back to Hell with me, the devil will make me watch "Lost in Translation" for 10,000 years. Its so UNRESOLVED!!!


Now with all this star power behind it, you'd have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with this movie to wind up on the $3.99 rack. That either the production quality was so bad or the script was so terrible that nothing could save this movie. But as you watch G-Men from Hell, you begin to realize that the script, while cheesy, isn't bad. There are no lines that leave you writhing in pain and no huge, out of paradigm plot holes, just a fun but over the top movie.

The production values are cheap, but there's nothing here that you wouldn't see in an old Roger Corman picture. Sure, hell is a sound stage in Hollywood, but who's to say Hell really isn't a sound stage in Hollywood. You know that Satan: full of irony!










Cheetah man gets a helping hand from an off screen grip. Either that or he's being felt up. Haha, felt get it?
.... (sigh) No love.

In fact, one of the moments that really impressed me about G-Men from Hell was when I realized that the movie not only had a coherent timeline that progressed over the course of 46 hours (48 hours was already taken), but instead of trying to force the time of day in some scenes with blue filters, the crew actually went out at 4-5am in California and shot in the wii hours of the dawn. Pretty impressive when you take into account that setup for those scenes could have started as early as 11 or 12 o'clock the night before.

G-Men from Hell is a movie that could become a cult classic. If you can find a copy out there, be sure to create a cult. Just don't drink the Kool-Aid.

Thanksgiving review: Rodan

Happy Thanksgiving Sporefans! This week's review is special, as I've picked a movie that goes well with the Thanksgiving holiday. Its a movie that really captures what Thanksgiving is all about: roasting a giant bird. That's why this week's movie is the 1956 Kaiju classic "Rodan". Lets take some time to look at this classic through a Thanksgiving tinted lens and try to find that spirit of Thanksgiving feeling, which is all about eating too much and falling asleep in front of the TV.




















The movie starts with a montage of stock footage which points to the evil of Nuclear (or Nukular) weapons and the love/hate relationship that we Americans have with them. It presents an ill omen, warning the viewer that Mother Nature may strike back at us for attacking her with these forbidden weapons.

Cut to a coal mine.

Yes, its not the American lust for nuclear power that sets this plot in motion, but the lust of the simple village people of Kitamatsu for coal which brings the monster's ire to bear. Yes, the people of Kitamatsu's contemptible lust for coal, which they use to keep their houses warm in the winter and earn money to feed their families in the cold of Winter that earns them the wrath of giant monsters. Oh, when will humanity learn that it should be content to burn bits of gathered dead wood outside a small cave while wearing the skins of small dead animals? It is our hubris which is our downfall! Hubris!!

All that aside, two coal miners get into a fist fight outside the mine. Tensions rise as they all fear a new mine shaft that goes deeper than they have ever dug before. It appears that in this specific mine shaft there exists a "creeping floor". No Sporefans, a creeping floor isn't another movie that I have lined up to review, but it refers to something better known as a downhill creep when soil and debris slowly falls down an incline.

But if any of you know where to get a movie about a floor that creeps up and eats people, I would definitely review it.

Later that day during an emergency, the two miners who fought disappear. When one of the miners turns up dead from horrible wounds, the second miner Goro (played by Rinsaku Ogata) is branded as the suspected murderer. Goro's sister Kiyo (Yumi Shirakawa) is crushed when the townspeople brand Goro a murderer. But don't worry Sporefans, I'm sure she'll feel much better after Goro's body is discovered in the mine crushed under a pile of rocks that fell during the initial catastrophe, subsequently clearing his name.

This is further substantiated by the release of the book "If I ate them" by flea/crab monster number 712.















Flea/crab monster 712 interrupts a tender moment between Kiyo and Shigeru.


Soon, Shigeru Kawamura (played by Kenji Sahara) the leading man and safety engineer gets trapped in the mine, and tries to avoid being eaten but flea/crab monsters numbers 1-711 and numbers 713-1,294. This is made much easier as a large winged creature hatches from an egg and begins to eat the flea/crab monsters. But as you may have already guessed by the fact that the title of the movie isn't "flea/crab monsters that attacked Kitamatsu" that the winged creature escapes and creates havoc around the world. What's more is that there's a pair of them, a male and a female... I think... that they might procreate and take over the world.

How exactly does one check the gender of a Rodan monster?

At this point, Rodan begins to differ from most Kaiju movies of its time. In most Kaiju movies, the monsters attack the cities of man, and casualties result from the destruction of the buildings and vehicles of man. The deaths are indirect, and though the monsters are blamed for them its not portrayed as if the monsters were out specifically to kill people, but only do so as they punish man by destroying his creations.

In Rodan, the monsters actually eat people. The human element shifts from beings who were at the top of the evolutionary ladder who are punished for their hubris, to being knocked down a rung on the food chain. Instead of our works being destroyed, we become the targets of the Rodan's attacks because we are their food supply.















Rodan decides to have Japanese for lunch.


Well, us and cows. Dolphins. Whales. Horses. Sheep. Actually, they'll pretty much eat anything they can get their beaks around.

Then the Japanese Self Defence Force hatches (pun definitely intended) a brilliant and tasty plan. Because the Rodan's nest in the crater of a dormant volcano, the JSDF intends to blow up the crater with cannons and ballistic missiles, trapping the Rodans under tons of rock. Shigeru points out that the missiles might have the opposite effect, re-activating the dormant volcano. Instead of finding a new plan, the hungry JSDF general (Hideo Mihara) orders the evacuation of Kitamatsu so that he can roast the tasty Rodans over the warm coals of Mount Aso.















Too much lighter fluid will make your giant bird into Cajun food.


The plan proceeds after the evacuation of Kitamatsu, as the JSDF bombard the crater atop Mount Aso, reactivating the once dormant volcano. As the Rodans try to make their escape, one of them falls victim to the intense heat and fumes generated by the volcano. It falls into a river of molten lava and bursts into flames. The other Rodan circles above, crying out to its fallen mate until either out of despair or because the fumes made it totally high dude, it voluntarily plummets on top of the first Rodan and burns as well.















Dinner is ruined.


Unfortunately for the JSDF, they didn't count of the Rodans bursting into flames. As such, the JSDF was unable to insert the giant probe thermometers to make sure that the Rodans reached the required internal temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit. Thus the Rodans burned to a crisp and were inedible, and the premiere of Japanese Thanksgiving was ruined. But Americans as well as Japanese can still celebrate the day the Rodans burned, by burning turkeys every year, making them into inedible smoking piles or char. And why not give thanks, for if there's one thing we should all be thankful for, its not being eaten by giant birds from the sky.

Godzilla's Revenge

Another exiting review of Kaiju action awaits you here Sporefans. Today's fantastic movie is one that I remember back from when I was a wee spore traveling on motes of dust before the right combination of moisture and humidity allowed me to bloom into the slimy mass that you have all come to know and love. Yes, strap on your way back machines and dial all the way back to 1969 because today's film is none other than "Godzilla's Revenge"!



















Godzilla is back for revenge for... uh...


For those of you who have never seen Godzilla's Revenge, its one of the Showa series of Godzilla movies and was released with the specific purpose of appealing to small children. The movie revolves around Ichiro Miki, an elementary school student who spends most of his time daydreaming about monster island... that is, when he's not getting the snot kicked out of him at school.











"Remember Ichiro, you can never tell your friends about me, or I'll have to kill them. Uh-yup!"


Ichiro gets away with his idolatry because his parents both work to support him and can't spend much time with him. Looks like being poor hasn't changed much in the last 40 years. Because they both spend so much time working, they enlist a toymaker by the name of Shinpei Inami who lives nearby to keep an eye on Ichiro.

He, uh, works out of the home.

You might recognize Shinpei, because he's played by Eisei Amamoto, better known to you Sporefans as "Dr. Who" in "King Kong Escapes". Luckily, Eisei doesn't get as many close ups in this movie, so you don't get to see how bad Toho's dental plan is. This guy's lower jaw makes Chris Benoit's teeth look good by comparison.















Shinpei: Remember to floss Ichiro, or you'll wind up looking like this.
Ichiro: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, HOW DO YOU CHEW?!?!


As the movie continues, Ichiro uses a contraption made of vacuum tubes and bits of wire and circuitry as his "radio" to monster island, where he speaks to Minya (or Minilla), better known to Americans as "baby Godzilla". The two commiserate on such things as how they both get the snot beat out of them by bullies, and by a sheer act of coincidence, the bullies seem to have the same name: Gabara.

Of course there are some key differences between the two Gabaras. One is a mean elementary school student who bullies Ichiro. The other Gabara is a 170 meter tall green dog looking monster standing on its hind legs with a bright red mohawk and sounds like a giraffe giving its mating call while being put through a blender.

Other than that, they're identical.















Gabara prepares to take Ichiro's lunch money, or crush Minilla, I forget which.


Things seem to be progressing well for Ichiro as he shambles through his life drifting in and out of his dream world while playing in piles of rubble and collecting bits of wire and broken electronics to upgrade his "radio". That is until one day when Ichiro is shifting through a pile of other people's discarded crap, he finds a small card. With his attachment to reality already tenous at best, Ichiro believes that he has found a credit card and can use it to purchase wonderful, wonderful toys. Unfortunately, the card is actually the driver's liscense of a local bank robber, who believes that this small piece of circumstancial evidence will lead the cops right to their hideout.

Man, he should really watch more "Law and Order".

So begins the quest of the bank robbers to recover the stolen driver's liscense, kidnap Ichiro and continue to be the best darn bad guys they can be. Which is pretty sad, actually.















Ichiro: Look at me! I'm just like Godzilla!
Bank Robber: Hey kid, you remember that gun I have...


All things considered, this is a wonderful Kaiju movie full of giant monster fighting. Fans who are waiting for the giant monsters to ravage Tokyo will be disappointed, however, as most of the monster fighting takes place on monster island. Well, actually, in Ichiro's head, but you get the idea. There are a lot of monsters making cameo appearances in this movie, like Gorosaurus, Manda, Kamakiras and Kumonga.

Keep in mind that this movie is aimed at children. If you're expecting a great plot with well developed characters, you're out of luck. But then again, why would you be watching movies like this one for the plot? Sadly, there's no one as interesting as Madame X or Dr. Who in this movie, just a couple of Japanese bank robbers and a small bully.

If you're a Godzilla fan from way back when, then you'll love this movie purely for its nostalgia value. If you're not a Godzilla fan, then you probably won't get this movie.

Unless you're between the ages of 5 and 8, in which case you'll totally love this movie, and you shouldn't be reading my reviews.

Shame on you, I'm telling your parents. I bet they'll be mad.

Blogger Beta Recent Comments in sidebar

For anyone who wants to know how to put a "recent comments" section in your sidebar, check out the instructions I found here.

Basically you create a page element of the "feed" type with a feed to the comments of your own blog. It sounds incredibly hard, but its super easy. Thanks to the guys over at Hackosphere for this tip.

King Kong Escapes

KAIJU! Big monsters! Yes, due to a recent influx of giant monster movies into my collection, the next few reviews will deal with giant monster battles! This week's review is "King Kong Escapes", a 1967 film by the legendary Ishiro Honda. Many will recognize Honda as the man behind the original movie "Godzilla: King of the Monsters" and most of the movies in the Showa series of Godzilla (second place for director of most Showa series movies goes to Jun Fukuda, I believe).






Kwality movies.
















Fans of Kaiju will note that Kong has been scaled back from his last movie where he battled Godzilla. This version of Kong is closer to his original size at 60 ft. in height. Kong had to get pumped up, probably with a bunch of monkey roids, to deal with Godzilla's immense 150ft. stature. Also at 60 ft. tall is the new MechaKong, the monkey version of Mechagodzilla, but with no lasers or missiles which makes him kind of lame by comparison.

For a Kaiju movie, this isn't so bad. If you're not a fan of Kaiju though, get ready for a bumpy ride over this rough plot. I won't ruin the whole thing for you, but here's a brief outline of what you can expect.

The evil Dr. Who, (no not the tardis Dr. Who, the other one) creates the MechaKong, so that he can mine Element X at the North pole. Apparently a horde of elves with jolly little shoes aren't manly enough to dig this incredibly radioactive material out of the ice, so the good doctor, played by the rotten toothed Eisei Amamoto, decided what he needed was a 60 ft. tall robotic monkey. Yeah, that's always how I do my mining on the North Pole. With a giant metal monkey... on ice.
















Dr. Who and Madame X contemplate their glorious and prosperous future after this movie.


The doctor is not alone in his pursuit of Element X, as his "research" is funded by the mysterious Madame Piranha, or Madame X depending on what version you're watching. Madame X, played by Mie Hama, has two amazing powers that she uses throughout the movie. The first is the ability to turn Dr. Who into a snivelling pile of pseudo-scientific snot by threatening to cut his funding. The second is the ability to change her clothing after every freakin' scene in the movie. Madame X is rarely in the same costume twice when she's on screen. Apparently the mysterious country that Madame X represents gave her a budget that afforded her great clothing but she would have to buy surplus and defective parts for her giant monkey robot.

When the Mecha monkey fails because someone forgot to shield the circuits from electromagnetic waves, Madame X and Dr. Who hatch a plot to use the real Kong to dig up Element X. Unfortunately for Kong, he's recently encountered his only weakness: blondes. Kong has a run in with Lieutenant Susan Watson, a crew member on a U.N. submarine, along with her two flunkies Commander Carl Nelson and Lt. Commander Jiro Nomura. Once smitten, Kong pretty much does whatever Watson tells him to, making Watson the number one commodity in this movie.
















Hey baby, you look like Kong bait to me!


If you're looking for a movie with a few great Kaiju battles, this one does have a couple. The Kong suit is noticably flawed, as the eyes and mouth have very little mobility when compared to some of the other monsters. Even MechaKong looks better by comparison, despite not having eyelids... or even eyes. Its really bad when the Gorosaurus suit, which looks like an old man version of Godzilla comes out looking better than your lead monster.

















"I used to be an extra for Godzilla, but look at me now! I got my own role in a movie!" -Gorosaurus, 1967.


The models are all on par with the usual detail that Toho puts into its Kaiju movies. Every little tank and boat looks great, with all the painstaking detail that an anal-retentive Japanese model maker can muster. Most of the detail work usually gets destroyed in about 2 seconds, but Kong Escapes has an unusually low amount of property destruction, most of which occurs to the Tokyo Tower.

















Kong's face isn't just frozen because this is a picture. This is pretty much his entire range of physical expression. Can't even open his mouth to complain.


If you've got some time to kill and love giant monsters, King Kong will satisfy all but the most rabid of Kaiju fans. Even if you don't like Kaiju monsters, the great plot and original characters...

Umm... Hmm...

Well anyway, King Kong escapes is a fun movie. Watching it is entertaining, even if its for all the wrong reasons.

House IV: The Repossession

OK, so enough with the zombies. I'm all zombied out right now. Time to move on to something different. So this week, we're changing gears and going with the haunted house motif. What should I review? Lets see… There's "The Amityville Horror"…. Nah, budget's too big. There's "The House on Haunted Hill"… no, too classy. We need something a little more terrible. Something more along the lines of what you Sporefans would expect.

Lets review "House 4" also known as "House 4: The Repossession" in England! That's a great movie!







Stop Crying.










In 1992, Lewis Abernathy decided to subject viewers to another installment in the "House" movie series, and I don't mean the one with Hugh Laurie as a doctor. No, I'm talking about a series of movies that started in 1986 which was about a house where every door opened into another dimension. Its of the quality that you would expect having Lewis Abernathy, the author and main screenwriter of "Deep Star Six" at the helm of this picture.

House 4 takes place in a house in the middle of nowhere. Seriously, it appears that someone constructed a run down house somewhere in the middle of the Mojave. This is incredibly strange as William Katt (whom some of you may recognize as "The Greatest American Hero") reprises his role from the first movie; where he moves into his aunt's haunted house where his son had disappeared a few years before. In this movie Roger Cobb (Katt) takes his family to visit his father's old house, which is also apparently haunted. The movie starts with Roger and his new family leaving the haunted house and telling his step-brother Burke that the house is not up for sale.

Now, you've got to ask yourself "Why are they leaving the creepy old house in the beginning of the movie?" Well, the great part of playing Roger Cobb is that you only have to be in the first 15 minutes of this stinker. Then you die in a horrible car accident that results in your charred corpse being taken off life support. Unfortunately even though this movie dies pretty quickly, no one took it off life support.

So where do we go from here? The movie continues on in the hands of Terri Treas as Roger's wife Kelly, and Melissa Clayton as Roger's now crippled daughter Laurel. Laurel in particular seems strangely positive and chipper after losing her father, her old home and her ability to walk. Add in Denny Dillion, who's probably the most recognizable star in this sad flick as the house keeper/undercover FBI agent and prepare to tape your eyes open while you watch a movie that nose dives from the plateau of mildly entertaining to the hard, rocky plains of disappointment.

Yes, if you're looking for horror, this is not your movie. Sure there's a scene with Kelly Cobb (Terri Treas) taking a shower with the water turning into blood. Unfortunately about the best this movie has to offer is a pizza attacking Kelly before dinner. Yes, a killer pizza is the most frightening moment in this movie and only because of the involvement of a kitchen garbage disposal.

The ridiculous sub plot in this movie involves Burke (played by Scott Burkeholder) trying to buy the house for the local chemical factory so that they can tear it down and bury chemical waste where it once stood. Add in one Native American (Ned Romero), cut one small onion and get him to shed one small tear and you've got yourself a genuine 1980's pro environmental theme. Yay for clearly defined roles of good and evil! You even have Mark Gash portraying the stereotypically toxic antagonist "Mr. Grosso" pressuring Burke to close the deal with his "oozes". Looks like Seth Green isn't the only fan of "Captain Planet".

Stay far away from this movie, Sporefans. Even if you enjoyed the other movies in the House series, this is definitely one to steer clear of.

Post Party Post 06

Much to my amazement, the movies at this year's Halloween party were... good. I mean, mainstream good movies. As we only watched 2 movies that night, lets put them up against each other in a head to head and see which one you Spored to Death fans think is the scarier movie.

First up is Silent Hill. Directed by Christophe Gans, this film is quite possibly the best adaptation of a video game into a movie I've ever seen. Considering some of the competition it doesn't seem that hard to be the best, but this movie pretty much blows away most of the other video game movies I've ever seen. Sorry Uwe, looks like Christophe done knocked you out.















What's causing this reaction? Is it some horrible monster? Or a naked man eating a ham sandwich and writing movie review.



In the other corner we have 28 Days Later. While Silent Hill is all about atmosphere and horrifying monsters that come to get you (albeit very, very slowly), 28 Days Later is up front and in your face with its Zomb... I mean, infected people. The infected run straight after the
characters, and usually quickly. The atmosphere of 28 Days Later isn't quite as creepy as the town of Silent Hill, but what it lacks in setting, it makes up for with scenes of shocking violence.






















"I don't get it. All I did was ask him for a light."


So what will it be Spore fans? Which of these movies is scarier? Will it be the creepy and occasionally violent Silent Hill? Or do you prefer a bit of the old Ultraviolence in 28 Days Later?

Vacation

Sorry Spore fans, but we are on vacation for two weeks. So no review this week. Instead, have a peek at my latest addiction: The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion.







Ooooooh. Pretty.













Sticking with my recent theme, have a zombie.








Next week we'll have a few short reviews on the movies featured at our annual Halloween party. It should be a "unique" experience.

Zombie Honeymoon

"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage,that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam..." (The Impressive Clergyman from "The Princess Bride"). And yes, mawage er, I mean marriage is the focal point of today's review, because today we're reviewing "Zombie Honeymoon".









To be honest, I was as surprised by the quality of this film as I was with the outcome of "Hood of the Living Dead". But where Hood was a total disappointment, Zombie Honeymoon was unexpectedly good. This was even more surprising given that Honeymoon was a Showtime production. After looking over the back cover of the DVD and seeing the "Showtime" label, I expected 83 minutes bad plot focusing on putting as much nudity and gore on screen as possible. Not that there's anything wrong with nudity and gore, but a good plot helps keep a movie together. And while there is some nudity and lots of gore, it doesn't detract from the fact that this movie is in fact, a tale of love.

With zombies.




The newlyweds, Danny and Denise. Don't they look like nice people?






This movie brought up several questions with the Spored to Death viewing audience. I do have a "staff" of sorts. Mostly these are the people I subject these bad movies to on a regular basis. You, the proud and tortured few, have the right to be part of the Spored to Death publishing experience. Also, consider yourselves permanent interns, as I have no way to pay any of you. Although, on second thought, the word "intern" has such ugly implications. I much prefer a different, though less politically correct term.

Think of yourselves as "minions".

The most prominent question of the night posed by my minions was this: If you were just married and your husband was attacked by a zombie and developed an insatiable craving for human flesh, would you stand by your man? According to this movie, yes, you would. Also of note are the following questions:

If you are attacked by a zombie and are turning, would you be able to avoid eating your wife because of the strong bonds of love that you feel for her?

Do vegan's make good zombies?

Can a zombie vegan still get sick from eating a steak?




For the record, vegan zombies who eat a cooked steak do still get sick. And it ain't pretty.





Can you do the horizontal mambo with a zombie husband?

Can a zombie who's turning cover up their newly acquired eating habits?





Caught red handed.






Can you ever really hide anything from your wife? Like that flesh eating addiction you're trying to deal with.




"Honey, I think I may have a problem."




So as you may have guessed, our young couple Danny and Denise who are played by Graham Sibley and Tracy Coogan, run into a bit of zombie trouble on their honeymoon. Once Danny has unwillingly ingested the goopy blood of the undead, he dies and suddenly comes back to life. That'll teach a young couple not to lie on a beach in New Jersey while minding their own business!






Never sleep on the beach in New Jersey. You'd know that if you weren't too busy sunning yourself on "The O.C."







The movie goes on as Danny slowly learns that he may have an eating addiction. It seems he can't stop his insatiable hunger for human flesh. Danny and Denise try to plan on having a normal life, or at least getting through the honeymoon before Danny goes to pieces, but things always seem to go awry when the walking dead are involved.





Danny experiences withdrawal symptoms.






Denise contemplates counseling, while Danny contemplates what a marriage councilor tastes like.



In the end, Zombie Honeymoon is a surprisingly good take on the zombie genre. It presents a few interesting twists on an old concept. As Danny changes, he manages to keep most of his humanity throughout the movie, but in the end is overcome by the zombie in him. The movie also presents Danny's flesh eating in a way that alludes to someone with a drug problem. The movie does have a few touching moments as Danny battles his addiction, but these moments are usually covered in gore and slime, so they're hard to spot amidst all the other scenes full of gore and slime.

Even though you know before the movie starts that things are going to end badly, you almost feel bad for Danny and Denise as they inevitably fall from being happy newlyweds to a single gore soaked survivor weeping next to a pile of gooey body parts. Which brings us to the last and probably most pertinent question this movie has to offer.

Who the hell goes on their honeymoon in New Jersey?"

Hood of the Living Dead

Zombies are, without a doubt, one of the most frequently used antagonists in horror movie history. Because of the versatility of the zombie horde, there are almost an infinite number of possibilities when it comes to creating the setup for a zombie movie. Zombies in England. Zombies in a logging camp. Zombies in space (hmmm… looks like a good candidate for a future review). And now, zombies in the hood.

Sort of.

You see, while “Hood of the Living Dead” is set in Oakland, California; it was most definitely not shot in Oakland, California. The most likely reason would be that shooting in Oakland would result in a shooting in Oakland. Unfortunately, the makers of “Hood” didn’t really try to mask their location change, which results in about half of the flaws that this movie has. The other half of the flaws can be blamed on the actors in this sad little satire, who appear to have had one acting class between the lot of them.

Lets take a look at a few of the revealing mistakes in "Hood of the Zombies".
















What a nice, well manicured lawn you have there neighbor. The rose bushes in the front are a nice touch.

















Grieving over the death of his brother, Ricky pours himself a drink, but what's this?!?!

















Is that a bottle of Belvedere Vodka I see? A 750ml bottle averages about $29.95 according to the Virgina Department of Alcoholic beverage control. That's more expensive than the crap I usually drink!

OK, on a side note, I've never actually been to Oakland. But seriously, this can't be it. Its just too, well... nice.

As you might expect from a movie with heavy gansta overtones, Hood of the Living Dead uses the F-word. A lot. In fact, I think that ¼ pf the entire script might be comprised of that one word. There was some debate as to whether or not we should have counted the number of times that it was used in the film, but we would have never been able to tally the number by the time this review was due to be published. But to put it in perspective, it easily rivals Blue Velvet for frequent use of that specific word.



Behold the wonders of the lab. Can you believe this is where science finally learned how to cheat death?

What do you mean "No"?




But unlike Blue Velvet, this movie is neither an artistic vision nor full of nudity. In fact, there is only one female character in Hood and she lives for approximately 20 seconds. So, yeah, it’s a total sausage fest.

If you’re looking for a tour-de-force, look somewhere else. Want something that looks like a Romero movie? Well, this movie has a guy named Romero, and there are zombies in it. That’s about where the similarity ends. The zombies don’t destroy the world. Actually they don’t even take over the hood. The zombies are more of a pesky problem than a world wide threat. They die when shot in the heart instead of the head, which actually makes them easier to kill. Come on, center mass is always an easier target than a head shot. Plus, as the hood is full of gansta types, there are guns everywhere. Given these two conditions, getting rid of the zombie threat should be about as challenging as farting after eating a bowl of Wendy‘s chili. But somehow the zombies keep not getting shot in the heart. Is it really that hard to shoot a guy in the center of his chest from 10 feet away?





At least the zombie effects are good. Gore and guts all present.






This movie was a real let down. It could have been so much more. It could have either tried to be better and have taken the high road, or it could have tried to be campier and take the low road. Actually, I think the low road was probably the only option this movie realistically had. But it looks like someone had a good idea, but only made a half hearted attempt in the execution. I could even forgive the amateur acting if the script had something going for it, but its as flat and tepid as a bottle of Colt 45 taped to a guy’s hands who passed out half way through a game of Edward Forty Hands. Sadly missing is any sort of drive by shooting on a group of zombies. There is a drive by, but the target is sadly living prior to being shot. Sadly, this movie is like the sleeping participant in a drinking game. Disappointing.

But at least the movie doesn’t smell like pee.

Satan's Little Helper

Video games are a much debated topic these days. Do violent video games cause children to kill? Are children more violent these days due to exposure to violent videogames? Is the Playstation a tool of the devil? We here at Spored to Death publishing feel the answer is a resounding “no”.

A small part is because of research done from statistics gathered from several reputable sources, most notably the US Department of Justice’s Bureau of Statistics, note that as of the latest findings in 2003 (which are the latest findings available) crime rates of violent crimes among children are the lowest they’ve been in years. In fact, the most likely problem caused by children’s fixation on video games of any type are those butt shaped grooves that show up when you sit on a couch too long and the cushions form a permanent dent where your butt has been.

But mostly we figure that kids who emulate video games in real life are just plain stupid.








Which leads us to our next movie, “Satan’s Little Helper”. This movie is the story of Douglass Whooly, also known as Dougie, who is a third grader with an infatuation with his favorite game where you play as “Satan’s helper” and help the lord of darkness spread death and mayhem throughout the world. During Halloween, little Dougie dresses up in his little devil costume and sets out in search of Satan so that he might serve the fallen one. And because this is a horror movie, Dougie does in fact find a guy in an evil looking mask who runs amok in his small town murdering innocent citizens in traditionally amusing horror movie fashion.



For the most part, Satan’s Little Helper is a really good movie. Joshua Annex, who plays the masked villain is brilliant as the silent antagonist. The movie also has a great cast with Katheryn Winnick as Dougie’s older sister Jenna, and Stephen Graham as Alex: the guy Jenna brought home for Halloween. A surprising addition to the cast is Amanda Plummer as a surprisingly sane person, as well as Dougie and Jenna’s mother.

Undoubtedly, the movie’s success rests squarely on the shoulders of Joshua Annex’s performance. The mute masked man beckons, pantomimes and stabs his way silently through this 96 minute flick while providing most of the amusing scenes in the movie. At times the psychopathic killer can seem kind and almost silently empathetic before gutting a guy like a fish and throwing his entrails over the good china on the family table.





Satan prepares to dispense some "treats".







Counterpoint to our charismatically masked villain is Alexander Brickel’s character Dougie, who’s inability to realize that the people being killed horribly in front of him is not a Halloween prank. No, Dougie tags along like crabs on a Congressman, completely oblivious to the violent acts that make up his world. Even when other children his age run screaming as an old woman is hung from her second story window, Dougie gives an emphatic huzzah and thrusts his drool and mucus encrusted thumb skyward in a salute to Satan’s “playful Halloween antics”. Unfortunately, Dougie is a necessary evil, as without his vapid stupidity, Satan would not have his “little helper”. Either that, or it would be a completely “different” type of movie.





Actual quotes from the movie:

"Honey you can wear my old costume from last Halloween."

"But Mom, I can't dress up like a Renaissance slut in front of my new boyfriend!"

Huzzah.







Luckily, the two counterbalance each other on screen enough that Dougie’s presence doesn’t become annoying. In fact, its not until the final third of the movie, after Dougie finally realizes that his masked lord is actually killing people when his father is gutted on the dining room table, that Dougie reaches the height of irritability. Alone, in his room, he kneels down and prays for God’s forgiveness, and pledges to help the lord and Jesus if they would save him and his family from Satan.





Satan and Dougie spend some quality time together talking about drugs, going to college, and the best technique to use if you want to skin a guy feet first.











Less than two minutes later a man in a Jesus costume, which was featured in a shop earlier in the movie, silently beckons for Dougie to leave his house and accompany him into the night. And like a dumbass, Dougie tags along like…well, like crabs on a Senator.

As to not ruin this film for you Spore fans, I’m going to leave you with some traditional cliffhangers. I recommend this movie to all of you, as a surprisingly entertaining horror with some nice comic overtones. But you’ll just have to watch to find out: Will Jenna and Alex have sex before one of them dies? Will Jenna and Alex have sex after one of them dies? Will Amanda Plummer’s character go crazy? Will you see what lies under Satan’s mask? And will Dougie survive the movie to go on to a lucrative career of sorting glass? Watch Satan’s Little Helper to find out the answer to these and many more exciting questions!

Either that or you could spend a few hours playing some violent video games and working on that ass groove in your couch.

Raging Boll

Aparrantly Uwe Boll had a chance to return some of the blows he's taken from critics in the most literal sense possible. Recently, CNN reported that Boll took on 4 of his critics in a boxing match in Canada.

Furthermore, he beat the crap out of all of them.

While all 4 fights each had a hook, the first bout looks to be the zaniest. According to CNN, Richard Kyanka of www.somethingawful.com reportedly took to the ring and announced to the crowd that Boll was a terrorist and that Canada should be held responsible for harboring him. Less than 3 minutes later, Kyanka was unconscious.

The other bouts were slightly less dramatic, as a 17 year old, a man who thought it was a publicity stunt and a guy who brought some fake blood squared off against Boll.

I'm not sure where I fall on this issue. On one hand, Boll represents the bad movie industry that I've come to love, albeit a bit on the high end (ie, he has an actual budget). On the other, I am a critic. So I don't know if I should be rooting for Boll or eating raw eggs and jogging at 4am.

Its a moot point now, as the fight is already past. The stadium is empty and many Canadians now feel as I feel after paying to watch a WWE pay per view with JBL and the Big Show as the main eveny. Besides, in my opinion, there are other fish that need badly need frying.

A Bucket of Blood

In 1959 a newspaper ad claimed that if you brought a bucket of blood to Roger Corman’s “A Bucket of Blood” you would get a free admission. Today, if you tried the same thing, you’d just get arrested. Besides after the river of blood scene from “The Shining”, one bucket of blood doesn’t seem all that shocking. But in 1959!!!

…OK, it still wasn’t that shocking.





I think the plunger really sells the concept on this cover art.








“A Bucket of Blood” is actually a dark comedy about a guy named Walter Paisley who wants to be an “Artist” and get into the “in” crowd of local beat poets and artisans. And also to nail some hot chick. Can I say “nail some hot chick” in a blog and not get censored? If you‘re reading this, I guess I can.

Also, as its a dark comedy and not straight horror, its good for all you kids who aren't really into horror movies.

Now lets be clear, today’s review is about the original 1959 version of “A Bucket of Blood” directed by Roger Corman and written by Charles B. Griffith, not the 1995 version starring Anthony Michael Hall who is better known for his work in numerous 80’s movies as well as the psychic John Smith on the TV series “The Dead Zone”. No, this version of A Bucket of Blood stars the legendary Dick Miller, who’s acting career is longer than the shopping list of a family of 8. Dick’s most recognizable role was Murray Futterman in the 1984 movie “Gremlins”, but Miller has done just about everything. From 1950’s Westerns to the 1986 “hit” movie “Chopping Mall” to voice acting on the current cartoon version of “The Justice League”, Dick’s been just about everywhere in the industry.



Billy, I swear, the Gremilns did it! I swear they did it Billy!










Well except porn. Dick’s never been in porn. Nope, Dick is no where to be found in the porn industry. Anywhere.

Anyway, tiny little green monsters have nothing to do with this blood bucket, as Walter Paisley discovers his talent for sculpting after accidentally stabbing his landlady’s cat. He does try to rescue the cat, which somehow has become stuck in the small space between two walls. He does this by trying to cut a hole in the wall so that the cat can climb out.

Unfortunately for the cat, he tries this with a 12 inch kitchen knife.

While musing about all of the things one could do with a dead cat, Paisley decides to use the clay from his failed sculpting projects to cover up his little mishap. Once the clay hardens (without having to be fired in a kiln I might add) the little tabby becomes a modern work of art, complete with knife.



Man its so... lifelike. Especially how its standing up with a knife lodged in it like that.






This leads Paisley to some fame, and as a result he’s pressured to create more art. Predictably, the next work is a human sculpture. and it follows that Paisley amasses quite a collection. But just like a guy who wears a long overcoat but no pants, Paisley is caught during his first exhibition.




I call it, man with splitting headache.

What? Why are you all moaning? What?






If you think this sounds like a familiar setup, i.e. the loveable loser that no one paid attention to displays a talent that gets him fame, fortune and a shot at the woman of his dreams but makes him a murderer you’re right. Roger Corman and Charles B. Griffith were also responsible for the creation of “Little Shop of Horrors”. Again, the original 1962 version, not the remake from 1986. Corman and Griffith would also go on to produce one of my all time favorite bad movies, “Creature from the Haunted Sea”!

While the murder sequences lack the Hollywood shock comedy that we’ve all been accustomed to seeing, they are given a fairly creepy tone by Paisley’s growing acceptance and eventual eagerness to carry them out as the movie continues. Personally, my favorite scene is when Paisley decides to create “a bust” (the human head kind, not a female chest).

Also somewhat creepy on a personal note is the chase sequence at the end of the movie when Paisley runs through what appears very much like New Brunswick late at night while being pursued by both the police and the apparitions of his victims.

If you get a chance, check out A Bucket of Blood. It’s a classic old horror comedy that really delivers. Except for the bucket of blood part. Its actually more of roasting pan, suitable for chicken or other game, not a bucket at all. Remember kids, when you want a good quality roasting pan, make sure it distributes and reflects heat evenly and can be placed atop two adjacent burners for browning. Thanks to Alton Brown for that tip. But remember kids, a bucket full of blood is not Good Eats.

Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon

Grab your decoder rings Spore fans, today we’re taking a break from our usual horror fare to traipse into the realm of Sci-Fi. OK, so it’s a short trip, as Sci-Fi and horror often cross over each other’s boundaries like European’s well, crossing each other’s national boundaries. Anyway, without further ado, I present "Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon".






Be afraid, er, I mean amazed!








Remember when you were a kid? How things used to be? When you used to come home and plunk yourself down in front of that giant old TV set? You know the one I mean. The 3 foot square box with a 10 inch screen with two huge speakers but without stereo sound. It had two great big knobs, one to turn it on and control the volume, and the other to change the channel. All 3 of them.

Well, if you do remember all this, then you were obviously a child in 1954, and you probably also remember “Rocky Jones, Space Ranger”. Yes, I bet you were adorable, sitting on the floor in your little playtime cowboy hat, sipping Ovaltine through a straw and getting most of it on the floor. Then your Dad would scold you for getting crap all over the carpet. Your Mom would come in and chide your Father for being to rough on you, to which he would respond “In my day, my Father would have slapped the freckles off of my damn face for that!” followed by him adding more ice to his scotch and muttering darkly about how the Commies were out to destroy America.

You remember that? Cause I sure don’t. I was born in the late seventies. Well, for all of us who didn’t get to see Rocky Jones when he was back on TV, we can buy a compilation of his TV episodes melded into movie format and watch the magic.

And by magic, I mean like that trick where you pull your thumb off with your other hand.

Yes, thanks to http://www.oldies.com/, you too can watch the adventures of Rocky, Winky, and little Bobby as they travel “Beyond the Moon”. Enjoy the hijinks as Rocky is forced to take a girl on as a member of the crew! Marvel at the incredible technical effects! Watch as faithful Winky helps Rocky fly the... (what the hell was the spaceships name again? Hang on a second… Gotta remember to take this out in the final copy… crap where did I put it… I know I left that DVD here somewhere… wait, how did it get in the fridge? Oh god, was that milk at some point?!?! How did it get all over the DVD? And why is it green? ) “The Orbit Jet”!


Winky: "Hey Rocky, how do you feel about having a girl on board?"

Rocky: "Well Winky, its a good thing I got my cootie shot."

Winky: "... What is that like the clap or something?"



But watch out! That little scamp Bobby flies off the handle and uses some pretty harsh language! Here’s a warning to the parents at home: tonight, Billy uses the “J” word! And by that I mean “Jeepers!”.

And one last bonus! This great piece of… television history comes with 2 free episodes of the original animated adventures of Superman! And for only $1!!! That’s right! Thanks to my connection at the Dollar Store, I got this movie for One frickin American dollar. That’s 10.9327 Mexican pesos amigo.

Now I understand that due to the limitations of the time, Rocky’s Orbit jet and space station may not look that great. But when you’ve seen 300,000 individually animated Orcs preparing to invade Helm’s Deep, Rocky may seem a bit dated. But as an avid fan of Giant Lizards stomping on Tokyo, I’m not to disappointed.

However, the writing and acting of the time is a bit unbearable. Unless you like old school Sci-Fi shtick, have a high tolerance for the 1950’s concept of Übermensch, or like to drink (that’s how the DVD got into the fridge!); you’ll probably find the characters of Rocky Jones not only dated but a little grating. Unfortunately a mind once expanded can not collapse back to its original shape. Watching Rocky Jones in 2006 is kind of like being a Lovecraftian hero who watches people go to a “normal” church. It just seems too simple and happy after Great Cthulhu has rent your mind in twain.

This also applies to Voltron. Trust me, its not as much fun as when you were 6.

So if you long for a great piece of American Television history, pick up a copy of “Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon!”. Or you could spend your money on porn or booze. Whatever floats your boat.

God Bless America and beware the red menace!