Sorry for the delay in the reviews Sporefans, but this semester I've been really, really busy with schoolwork. I'm no slouch, but I seem to be running shorter on time every semester. Even as I write this I have no idea when I'll be able to post it.
However, this week I've got an extra special review for you, as we'll be covering the Toho film War of the Gargantuas, or Furankenshutain no kaijû: Sanda tai Gaira for those of you who prefer the Japanese title. But... with this week's review, there's a twist. Read on Sporefans, it will all become clear soon.
War of the Gargantuas is a 1966 Toho film about two giant monsters who battle each other in Tokyo. The monsters are actually clones of Frankenstein, and this movie is an indirect sequel of the movie for Frankenstein vs.Baragon, or Furankenshutain tai chitei kaijû Baragon. During the fight with Baragon , Frankenstein's monster was "injured" and his DNA was spilt all over Japan. Apparently DNA from Frankenstein's monster, which for some reason became Kaiju sized during the fight with Baragon, had grown and created the two gargantuas who now reside in Japan.
Yeah. "Injured". I'm sure.
In any event, the monsters from War of the Gargantuas are created from the regenerated DNA of Frankenstein's monster. One monster grew up in the serene forests of Japan. The other monster evolved in the depths of the sea. Consequently they are the "Brown" and "Green" Gargantuas, or Sanda and Gaira respectively.
There exists one key difference between the monsters. Sanda, the brown one, is compassionate and kind towards human beings. Gaira, the green one, eats them. This prompts the JSDF (thats the Japanese Self Defense Force for those of you who are not Kaiju fans) to attack Gaira. They chase him into the forest where they shoot him with lasers and bombs, as the JSDF are wont to do. The JSDF are about to kill the giant green gargantua when the brown one appears out of the forest to save him.
And then it hit me.
At this point I would like to point out that when I first screened War of the Gargantuas it was mid-October of 2008. Election year. Media coverage was all over the 2008 presidential election, so it should be no surprise when Iept from my chair, stumbled for a second with a head full of whiskey and cried, "Holy Crap! War of the Gargantuas is a perfect metaphor for the 2008 election."
Needless to say, The Damned were skeptical of my revelation, as many of you are also skeptical of this idea. But my explanation won them over, as I hope to win over you as well Sporefans.
First, examine the gargantuas themselves. Sanda is tall, stately and calm. He is defined by his compassion for humanity and his yearning for peace. Clearly this gargantua has been modeled after Obama, albeit 42 years prior to the election. The second gargantua, Gaira, is shorter, stout and given to fits of rage; similar in stature and disposition to McCain, who is famous for his outbursts of temper, and is also from the sea. By that I mean he was in the Navy, not that he emerged from the sea itself.
Gaira announces his candidacy on a platform of eating people.
Obviously the following must be true: executives and writers from Toho studios traveled forward in time to the year of 2008 and studied the future so that they could use ideas about our technology and culture in their movies. Sadly disappointed with our lack of flying cars, the Toho crew climbed back into their time pod with as much information about the future as they could carry in their primative paper format. Once safely back in 1965 the Toho writers pooled the information together and created the movie War of the Gargantuas.
It's the only logical explanation!
Just like F.D.R., Sanda walks softly and carries a big stick. In this case, the stick is actually a tree.
Now, before you go calling my theory "crazy" as many others have claimed, let me further provide evidence for your perusal. Not only does war of the gargantuas parallel Obama and McCain, they also parallel their running mates. For example Dr. Paul Stewart (played by Russ Tamblyn) is a perfect parallel for Joe Biden. He supportive of the brown gargantua, he wears a suit and... uh... other stuff. And of course, how could you remember the 2008 election without thinking of Sarah Palin? She was the focus for the final months of the election. But if you were about to claim that the doctor's assistant Akemi (played by Kumi Mizuno) is the example for Palin, you'd be wrong. Dead wrong. Not only dead wrong, but eaten by a giant green gargantua.
No, for the thousandth time, the brown gargantua is the good one; he is not a threat to national security. Now get your FOX news mike outta my face!
Let me explain. There are three reasons that I think Palin's alter ego is the Tokyo International Airport.
A) Gaira chooses to visit the Tokyo International Airport and it reveals one of his key weaknesses: sunlight. McCain's choosing of Palin as a running mate was one of his key weaknesses. Also, no word yet as to whether or not McCain is weak to sunlight.
C) She would be able to see Putin rear his head from the top of the tower at the airport.
Oh goodness, look how busy Tokyo International Airport is! Golly, there are so many planes in the sky! I bet all the news papers in the world are in there, I sure do!
Also, as a point of clarification, Vladimir Putin shall be portrayed by the three headed monster King Ghidorah. For the record, King Ghidorah is not in this movie, and thus never rear's his head to threaten the Tokyo International Airport, much in the same way that Putin has never attacked Alaska with a giant inflatable version of his own head.
I will admit that there are some holes in my comparison. For example, to the best of my knowledge John McCain has never eaten a human being, nor has he ever endorsed the eating of human beings.
But other than these small idiosyncrasies, I think this matches up pretty well. Either that or I've spent so much time in my journalism class that I'm starting to see parallels between bad movies and historic political movements everywhere. Why, just yesterday I compared the end of Hellbound: Hellraiser 2, where Pinhead turned on the new Doctor type Cenobite and saved Kristy instead of ripping her apart with chains to the speech that Joseph Nye Welch delivers at the McCarthy hearing when he said "Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?" See Welch turns on McCarthy when he's gone to far, just like Pinhead turns on...
OK, yeah. Maybe I'm just working too hard at this school thing. But I still maintain that Toho executives have access to a time pod. That, at least, makes perfect sense.
Have a clip from War of the Gargantuas. Perhaps then you'll see it my way. Or not.
Welcome back Sporefans. Its a new year, and with it come new reviews. I've decided to start this year off right, by reviewing a movie that's all wrong. This week we'll be taking a look at Sharks in Venice, or Shark in Venice as it's referred to on IMDB.
Shark(s) in Venice stars Stephen Baldwin as David Franks, a man who's father was killed in Venice. By sharks.
Mafia sharks.
But don't pay attention to that, you're not supposed to know that they're mafia sharks until the end of the movie.
Which I just spoiled for you.
About that, you should probably avoid watching Sharks in Venice; but by telling you that I'm spoiling the end of the review too. But as Margaret Atwood said, "True connoisseurs, however, are known to favor the stretch in between, since it's the hardest to do anything with." (from Margaret Atwood's Happy Endings, a cool story that you should read. I found it here, but I'm sure that she would prefer that you buy a hard copy of a book containing the story... as I understand it, authors prefer to be paid.)
So how did this movie about sharks in the canals of Venice get shoved down a Venetian crapper, subsequently winding up in the canals of Venice amidst the bodies of dead mafia sharks? I'm glad you asked, because I'm going to reveal that now.
It all starts when David's father attempts to find buried treasure in Venice... and by buried I mean in an underwater cave beneath the canals. David's old man is murdered... by mafia sharks. And by mafia sharks I mean shots of a man in scuba gear interspersed with stock footage of sharks feeding. And one shot that looks suspiciously like a killer whale. Alas, David's father never finds the buried treasure that he spent his entire life looking for. This brings David to Venice in search of his father, much like that movie with Harrison Ford where he went to Venice to search for Sean Connery who went missing while searching for buried treasure, but with a fraction of the budget.
And sharks.
If the treasure is buried under the "X" mark, all I have to do is find that mark and I'll find the treasure... Wait, what does an "X" look like again?
Mafia sharks. But remember, we're not supposed to know that yet.
Enter Stephen Baldwin, a man of very little emotion. Alas, in text I cannot give you an approximation of the acting talent of Mr. Stephen Baldwin, but I can provide you with an analogy that might help. If you were to infuse the intonation, but not the personality of Ben Stein into the wooden dummy from the Twilight Zone episode The Dummy (you remember Willie, don't you?) you would still not be close to the emoting ability of Stephen Baldwin. Only after covering the dummy in cement and freezing the cement with liquid nitrogen would you be able to reproduce anything remotely like the intonations from Baldwin's thespian repertoire.
You think you can fool me with you big Italian words, but I know a shark when I see one.
You're a shark, aren't you?
That being said, Baldwin's acting is only a small part of the reason that this movie wound up being reviewed by me. The plot is an obvious rip off of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade as David and his girlfriend Laura (Vanessa Johnson) traipse and swim about Venice in search of the fabled Medici treasure. Of course, all of the Nazis have been replaced by mafia sharks, but the traps that Indy faces in his movies have been faithfully recreated out of foam rubber, and hidden in a cave beneath the canals of Venice. And, just like in Indiana Jones and the Crystal skull, one must assume that the Medici's possessed ancient scuba technology which they used to transport thousands of pounds of gold, skilled workers and equipment into a vault that can only be reached by swimming through an underwater cave; whereupon they constructed traps to keep out unwanted trespassers and thieves and mind-wiped all the workers with alien technology so that they would not remember where the gold was hidden. Or killed them, which is cheaper and more plausible. Come to think of it, that job kinda sucks.
If the plot to this movie sounds a little underdone, then I suggest that you pay attention to the scene where Baldwin is attacked by a shark after discovering the underwater cave. In this scene, the shark bites and mauls Baldwin, who lost his air tank on the way into the cave. Yet, somehow he wakes up in a hospital bed, seemingly uneaten. Perhaps the mafia shark expected to bite into the famous Italian "Spicy meat-a-ball" and found Baldwin's bland taste not to his liking. Perhaps it was all a dream. Perhaps Les Weldon was just too lazy to think of another way to progress the movie. I prefer the first idea, as nothing beats the notion of a sick mafia shark puking up little bits of Stephen Baldwin.
Man, it is wet under all this water. I sure hope that there are no sharks here; under the water... in Venice.
Perhaps it is time to mention the final, looming plot hole that exists virtually throughout Sharks in Venice. At the end of the movie it is revealed that a mafia boss has been introducing sharks into the Venetian canals and adapting them to fresh water so that they will keep people from finding the gold buried in the underwater cave. What the mafia boss probably didn't count on was that the canals of Venice are actually full of raw sewage.
I SPORE you not, Stephen Baldwin has been swimming through literal crap the entire movie. Literally swimming through it.
You may have me at a disadvantage Don Clemenza, but you are dealing with a man who swam through poop infested waters to find buried treasure. Oh, and there were sharks down there too.
I would extend a hand into the implausible and allow for fresh water sharks; this is a Sci-Fi movie after all. But sewage breathing sharks? No. I'm afraid that I can't believe in a world where a shark could live through inhaling the combined wastes of the 1.5 million people living in Venice. Actually, I picture how it should have gone to be something like this:
Don Clemenza: Vincenzo! Did you make'a-da sharks breatha da fresh water yet?
Vincenzo: No Don Clemenza! There wassa small problem wit da sharks. We put them into da water, and they die. Don Clemenza: Whadda you mean, they die? I pay good money for those sharks. You make-a them adapt now! You hear me!
Vincenzo: Yes Don Clemenza!
Later...
Don Clemenza: Vincenzo! What's-a takin' you so long? You adapt those-a sharks yet?
Vincenzo: Well Don Clemenza, We had-da little problem.
Don Clemenza: Whaddya mean we had-da little problem, you terrible Italiano stereotype?
Vincenzo: Don, the shark... he adapt-a, but... he grows da lungs. He no swim underwater no more. He keepsa tryin' to get outta tha canal!
Don Clemenza: Ahhh... why we no just use guns like real mafia?
Perhaps it is because all of my guns are covered in gold.
Anyway, that's how I would have written Sharks in Venice. Perhaps some day when Sci-Fi can recognize real talent they'll make the mistake... I mean, the decision to let me make a movie on their dollar. Until then, get yourself a bigger boat and stay out of the canals in Venice, Sporefans. I hear that there are some pretty scary things lurking just beneath the surface of those not so still waters.
I've already posted the trailer for Sharks in Venice, so here's a little tidbit to tide you over until the next review.
Greetings Sporefans. As some of you may remember, I've done a Best of the Worst Awards spot in 2007. This year I'd like to make it an official contest, an annual event starting in 2009 covering the best and worst things from the Spored to Death Tome in 2008. This year I'm actually making an effort to be like a cheap version of the Academy Awards, only with more booze and less floozies, er I mean actresses in $2000 dresses.
This will also be the first year that I set a standard set of categories and limits for eligibility. Only movies reviewed in 2008 are eligible for this contest. The following is the list of categories that we're going to cover in the first annual Spored to Death Awards.
Best Movie Worst Movie Best Actor Worst Actor Best Actress Worst Actress Best Plot Worst Plot Best Villain Worst Villain Best Technical and Visual Effects Worst Technical and Visual Effects
Reader's choice for best movie. Reader's choice for worst movie.
For each of these categories I will provide the nominees and then announce the winner, with the exception of the Reader's choice awards. The Reader's choice award will be selected from a poll, but this also brings me into some site related changes for 2009.
You heard me right, there are gonna be some changes around here, most of which are for the better. First off, we're going to start composing and optimizing posts to be compatible with Mozilla Firefox. This is for two main reasons: A) Mozilla is less prone to security issues and B) Internet Explorer gets slower and slower when I compose my posts in them. Mozilla does not slow down when I do this, so I'm kicking IE to the curb. This means that there will most likely be new fonts used because IE used a smoothing program that made text more friendly looking, so I never thought about how ugly my page might look in another browser. Also, the YouTube videos will now also be posted with Mozilla optimization in mind. If you see that there are parts of the video or player cut off in IE, just switch to Mozilla.
Secondly, we're switching from Blogflux polls to Vizu. Blogflux polls have been showing up blank in some of my older posts, and I have had trouble with getting Blogflux's page to load and creating polls in the past. I may not stay with Vizu for my polling needs, but I think its time to move away from Blogflux and find greener and more reliable pastures.
And now, Spored to Death Publishing is proud to present:
The 2008 Spored to Death Awards!
Spored: I'm your host, Spored to Death! Welcome to the first official annual Spored to Death Awards, brought to you by Spored to Death Publishing. Remember, if it's not Spored to Death, it's now awful and covered in slime. Joining me today are two great co-hosts and friends of the show, Dr. Who and Madame X from King Kong Escapes. Many of you may remember the reviews of the Terror of Mechagodzilla and Godzilla X Mechagodzilla where Dr. Who and Madame X helped me review and compare these two movies. I can think of no better co-hosts to help launch the first official Spored to Death Awards.
Dr. Who: Thanks. I guess.
Madame X: I am not comfortable with this arrangement, but I have no choice.
Spored: Many of you may recall that my co-hosts and I did not part company on the best of terms in 2007, as I had no money to pay them with. However, since 2007 Dr. Who and Madame X have once again tried to take over the world using their Mechani-Kong robot. Unfortunately for them the Department of Homeland Security looks unfavorably on mad scientists trying to take over the world and they were arrested after trying to buy a large quantity of Space Titanium and vacuum tubes online.
Dr. Who: You'd be surprised what you can find on eBay.
Spored: As they were deemed not dangerous by present day standards Dr. Who and Madame X have been released and are now attempting to work off several hours of community service. The government agreed to let them work off several of their hours here at Spored to Death Publishing, and I couldn't turn down the opportunity to work with such fine... celebrities again.
Madame X: My eyes are up here. Up HERE!
Spored: Yes, and I'm sure they're very pretty. First up we'll be looking at the awards for technical effects. Oh boy, just like the Academy Awards!
Madame X: Except we're not on TV. And not important. And no one cares.
Dr. Who: I care about technical effects.
Madame X: No one asked you, you creepy old techno-phile.
Dr. Who: Well, I must say that the special effects for most of these films were fairly good compared to the other films that you made us watch. I should also point out that I was strapped to a chair and forced to watch these movies 8 hours a day over the course of several days, and that I now feel ill whenever someone plays Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.
Madame X: They strapped you to a chair? I was just given a stack of DVD's to watch.
Spored: Yeah. Uh... I didn't do that. Doc, are you sure you're not confusing yourself with the guy from A Clockwork Orange?
Dr. Who: I'm not confused. Or crazy! Someone strapped me to a chair and made me watch those awful movies while playing the Ninth!
Spored:...
Madame X:...
Spored: Well, anyway; the winner for "Best Technical and Visual Effects" for 2008 goes to Takashi Miike's Zebraman. Though there were definitely some great effects in Zombie Strippers...
Madame X: Pervert.
Spored: Zebraman is a cut above the rest. I highly attribute this to the fact that they had a budget.
Madame X: I do agree, money is good. And necessary for world conquest.
Dr. Who: Yes, giant robots don't grow on trees you know.
Madame X: Shut up you!
Dr. Who: Yes Ma'am.
Spored: Our next award is for "Worst Technical and Visual Effects" for 2008. Madame X, would you please announce the nominees?
Madame X: I suppose. The nominees for "Worst Technical and Visual Effects" for 2008 are Half-Caste, Grizzly Park, Garth Marenghi's Darkplace and Blood of Dracula. These movies boast the worst special effects I've seen since a balding man with bad teeth tried to hypnotize King Kong with a big flashing light.
Spored: Indeed they are. This was really a tough choice for the judges, and by the judges I mean me. Garth Marenghi's Darkplace does indeed have some bad visual effects, but they're done on purpose for comedic effect; and frankly I've still seen much worse. Grizzly Park had some bad effects, but doesn't win the award this year. Sorry. So it's down to the Blood of Dracula, and the terrible camera effects for Half Caste.
Dr. Who: There's scientific proof that you can hypnotize a giant gorilla using flashing lights. I've proven it through years of extensive research!
Madame X: Are you also responsible for all those kids having seizures while they watched Pokemon?
Dr. Who: That was... a simple mistake. The human mind is much more complicated... plus, it's not my fault!
Madame X: Oh, of course not! When is anything ever your fault? I remember this incident with a giant Mechani-Kong...
Spored: And the winner for "Worst Technical and Visual Effects" for 2008 goes to Half-Caste. While the effects from Blood of Dracula are terrible, the movie's success doesn't hinge on you believing in them. In Half-Caste director Sebastian Apodaca attempts to sell the audience a pile of crap by claiming that this movie is an actual documentary shot in Africa. The effects fall so far short of believable that they almost... alllmost draw your attention away from the terrible plot Apodaca concocted.
Dr. Who: I remember that Half-Caste made me vomit till I longed for death.
Madame X: Me too, actually.
Dr. Who: You were not tied to a chair!
Spored: Yeah, about that... what happened to you anyway?
Mr. Danger: Perhaps I can answer that question!
Spored: Why if it isn't the original Mr. Danger, author of The Foreign Object!
Mr. Danger: That's right Spored! And I'm here to announce the nominees for "Best Villain" for 2008!
Dr. Who: But... what about tying me to a chair and making me watch all those movies?
Spored: Speaking of Pearl Necklaces... Madame X, might I say that...
Madame X: Keep your filthy comments to yourself you pervert!
Spored: I was just going to say that you're wearing a lovely necklace.
Madame X: Oh... thank you.
Spored: But if you insist, I have several filthy com...
Madame X: Shut up! Shut up you! Shut up right now!
Spored: And the winner for "Best Villain" for 2008 goes to Jason Beck for his portrayal of M.D. Geist. The others all put up a fantastic show, but so much of M.D. Geist 2: Death Force revolves around the villain that its hard to top his performance.
Mr. Danger: But... he really doesn't say anything. And he's animated.
Spored: Voice actors don't usually get lumped in with regular actors, but you have to understand that the only thing they have to present their character with is their voice, which is why its much harder for them to get recognition.
Mr. Danger: Dude. He's a cartoon.
Spored: And I'm a fungus. Moving on, lets take a look at the nominees for the 2008 "Worst Villain" award. Dr. Who, would you do the honors?
Dr. Who: Yes, I'll read your damned card; with the one good eye that I have left. The nominees for "Worst Villain" for 2008 are: Glenn Morshower as Ranger Bob from Grizzly Park; The animatronic and trained bears from the movie Grizzly Park; Aaron Sherry as the Nightmare Man from Nightmare Man and finally... wait, what is this?
Spored: Just read the card Doc.
Dr. Who: The final nominee for "Worst Villain" for 2008 is... the trees from The Happening? Trees? Are you out of your mind? How can trees be villains? In MY day villains had...
Madame X: Yes, we know. Giant ape robots. Just get on with it.
Dr. Who: You are getting very close to incurring my wrath woman. One day I'll have my Mechani-Kong smite you for all the indignities you've caused me!
Spored: You know Doc, if you were in the running this year, I'd probably give you the award.
Dr. Who: Why, thank you... wait!
Spored: And the winner for "Worst Villain" for 2008 is... the trees from M. Night Shymakamehameha's The Happening.
Madame X: They are very lame.
Dr. Who: That, at least, we can agree on.
Spored: Well, its time for our first commercial break. Ever. Seriously, we've never done an award show before, so we've never had a need for commercials. Lets take a look and see who would be foolish enough to sponsor a commercial on this blog. Who, I ask you? Who?
Mr. Danger: Do you need foreign objects? We all do sometimes. Whether you're beating a guy's head in with a steel chair, or crippling them with a sledgehammer; we all need foreign objects sometimes. So why not come on down to the Foreign Object! We have tables, ladders and chairs. Need something more extravagant? We've got barbed wire covered bats, flaming Nintendo 64's and exploding cupie dolls. For a limited time you can get a free "NOOO! ME MESA" brand folding table with a purchase of over $100. Remember, if it's not "NOOO! ME MESA", then you didn't just chokeslam a guy through the Spanish announcer's table!
Spored: And we're back. Wow that was interesting. I know where I'll be heading after the show!
Madame X: How do you even know what he was talking about? You went to the bathroom during the commercial.
Spored: Speaking of bathrooms and commercials, I think that its time to reveal the next category for the awards: Plot! First up are the nominees for "Best Plot" for 2008!
Madame X: Why do bathrooms make you think of plot?
Dr. Who: I think Zombie Strippers should also be nominated.
Madame X: Shut up you! I'm surprised you're not off humping a toaster somewhere!
Dr. Who: That was a one time thing! It was an experiment!
Spored: Wait, what?
Madame X: Yes, and as I recall it got him sent to the hospital for a week.
Dr. Who: I don't want to discuss this anymore!
Madame X: Of course you don't, you pervert. No more than you want to discuss that incident with the Vespa!
Spored: Yes, well, we need to get on with the show now! And the winner is...
Dr. Who: I was trying to repair that Vespa for that young woman stranded on the road; what happened afterwards was an accident! It's not my fault!
Spored: AND THE WINNER IS... Takashi Miike's Zebraman! A fine film and a fine story, written by acclaimed and award winning screenwriter Kankurō Kudō, who also wrote the film Go which won him the Best Screenplay at the Japanese Academy Awards in 2002. Way to go!
Dr. Who: Besides, the clutch was loose before that incident took place.
Spored: DOC! Enough about you and the Vespa! We've got a show to put on here, and no one wants to hear about this anymore.
Spored: We're now moving on to "Worst Plot" for the 2008 Spored to Death Awards.
Madame X: How is that different from "Worst Movie"?
Spored: I'm glad you asked that. You see, the "Worst Movie" goes to the movie that is all around the sorriest piece of crap that you ever saw. "Worst Plot" only details the story element of the movie. It doesn't take into account any acting, special effects, locations... its just about the writing. If a movie has a terrible story, it can still be made up for with great special effects or, well let's face it, really hot girls.
Spored: You know what I mean?
Madame X: Not even in your dreams, you wretch.
Spored: Oh. So I guess it would be futile to ask you to read the nominees for "Worst Plot"?
Madame X: If it will get us out of here faster...
Spored: Oh no! You've made your point quite clear! That's why I took the liberty to get a special guest star for this segment. I picked him up from an auction. For some reason no one wanted him. I was the only bidder.
Madame X: Where did you say you bought this... thing?
Spored: It was an auction of Rod Serling's personal effects. See? He's the dummy from that Twilight Zone episode "The Dummy". Here Dr. Who, you hold him. I think his name was Wally or something.
Dr. Who: What? I don't want this wooden piece of Junk!
Willie: And I don't want to sit on the lap of an old pervert! And the name's Willie, by the way.
Spored: Wow Doc, I didn't know you were a ventriloquist!
Dr. Who: I'm not. IT TALKS! Get it off me!
Willie: Yeah, get me off this geezer. Hey baby, why don't I sit on your lap?
Madame X: Shut up you old fool!
Dr. Who: Ah! Why did you hit me? It was the doll. I swear it!
Madame X: No one believes that rubbish. Now read the damn cards so we can leave.
Willie: Hey Doc. Give me the cards, and I'll read them while you drink some water. It'll be fun.
Dr. Who: Give you the cards?
Willie: Yeah pal. Be a sport. Come on. Whaddaya say? I've got plenty of experience on stage. Why don't you just relax a while?
Dr. Who: Well, all right. Besides, I am thirsty.
Madame X: Did you spend too much time playing with your mechanical monkey again?
Willie: Mechanical monkey?
Spored: Just read the cards Wally.
Willie: That's Willie! The nominees for "Worst Plot" for the 2008 Spored to Death Awards are: Half Caste by Sebastian Apodaca...
Spored: APODACAAA!!!
Willie: What the...? You people are crazy!
Spored: Read the cards Willie.
Willie: The next one is Darkplace/Shadowbox by Phillip Adrian Booth; The Happening by M. Night Shyma-funnythinghappenedtomeonthewaytothetheatermalon... what kind of name is that?
Spored: The kind that keeps this from popping up in Google every time someone searches a certain name.
Willie: What the heck's a Google?
Spored: What do you mean, "what the heck's a Google"?
Willie: Hey pal, I just spent the last 40 years in a box. How should I know what a Google is?
Spored: It's a search engine. For the Internet.
Willie: The what?
Spored: Just read the cards Willie.
Willie: And the final nominee is The Deaths of Ian Stone. So do I just read the winner, or...
Spored: No, no. We banter a bit back and fourth first and then I tell everyone.
Willie: You mean, like a routine?
Spored: Yeah, that's it.
Willie: Oh. Let me show you the old act. Ahem... So I just flew in from New York today folks.
Spored: How was the flight?
Willie: What?
Spored: How was the flight?
Willie: No! You're supposed to say "I bet your arms were tired."
Spored: Why, did you get detained by Homeland Security?
Dr. Who: They confiscated all my vacuum tubes!
Madame X: Quiet you! Let the small wooden man speak! He amuses me.
Willie: You're not so bad yourself, toots. So I flew in from New York today folks.
Spored: Were your arms tired after you were detained by Homeland Security?
Willlie: You know what? I quit.
Spored: Aw, come on. It's just starting to get good!
Willie: Screw you, I quit! I'm outta here.
Dr. Who: IT CAN WALK! It must be some sort of advanced wooden cyborg!
Madame X: Shut up you! It's just a possessed wooden dummy. Must you be so daft?
Spored: Well anyway folks, the winner for "Worst Plot" in the 2008 Spored to Death Awards is... Darkplace/Shadowbox! While all of the other nominees truly did their worst, Darkplace/Shadowbox was a cut below the rest, as it didn't bother to make any sense what-so-ever. They played off this lack of plot by proclaiming that the main character was trapped in a box the entire movie and it was a hallucination. Ironic that the nominees were presented by a dummy that was trapped in a box for fourty years.
Madame X: I doubt that.
Spored: Up next we've got the award for "Best Actress" for 2008, but first I'd like to introduce a couple of guests here to help with the awards. Please welcome min and fnord12 from SuperMegaMonkey.
min: Uh... its nice to be here. Who are all these people?
fnord12: And what's with the zombies?
Spored: Oh don't mind them, they just want to take your coats. ZOMBIES! Take their coats and put them in the hall closet!
Zombies: Braaaains.
Spored: They work for brains, you know. Almost as good as peanuts. Now if I could just get some elephants through the front door...
fnord12: So, what's the deal?
Spored: Oh, I wanted you guys to help with the first annual Spored to Death Awards. Here, take these cards... they have all the information on the awards you'll be presenting.
min: You're giving out awards?
Spored: Well, there are no awards, per se. It's just an honorable mention for good or bad works that I've reviewed over the years. I mean, look at who my sponsor is.
Mr. Danger: Hi!
min: What's he do?
Spored: I think he sells weapons. Wrestling type stuff.
fnord12: That... sounds pretty cool, actually.
min: Yeah. Do you have any sticks to beat people with?
Spored: You can purchase implements of beating after the show. Right now we have to move on to "Best Actress" for 2008.
min: If I had a weapon, I wouldn't have to move on to anything.
Spored: ... Just read the cards.
fnord12: The nominees for "Best Actress" for the 2008 Spored to Death Awards are... Sandra Harris as Nancy Perkins in The Blood of Dracula; Jenna Jameson as Kat in Zombie Strippers; Alice Lowe as Madeleine Wool as Dr. Liz Asher in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace and Zooey Deschanel as Alma Moore in The Happening.
Spored: So who do you guys think will win?
min: I don't really care.
fnord12: Me either.
Spored: What? I mean, its an honor and a prestige to win this award!
min: You just made it up. You made all of this up to get out of writing another review.
Spored: But...
min: Its obvious that this award ceremony is nothing more than a product of your own laziness.
Madame X: Is this true? Are you merely using this as an excuse to fill space?
Dr. Who: That guy strapped me to a chair! My cornea! Do you know how much that hurts?
Spored: Uhhh.....
min: Come on Spored, when are you going to write another review?
Spored: Well... ok, think about it this way, just because I've never done this before, regardless of my motivations, how do you know that this won't entertain my readers? Besides, I have a few more tricks up my sleeve. This award show is just getting started.
fnord12: So should I tell everyone that Jenna Jameson is the winner?
min: I can only imagine why.
Spored: Hey! First off, where's your sense of showmanship? What about saying "And the winner is" to build up the suspense?
fnord12: But this is a blog. They're just reading it anyway.
Spored: Secondly, Jenna Jameson did a really great job of acting in that movie. Even in the parts with her clothes on. Even in the parts where she wasn't eating human flesh. There were great parts in that movie, and I was especially fond of the part where zombified Jenna understands Nietzsche better as a zombie.
Zombie: Braaaains!
Spored: See, its not just me! My zombies agree with me!
fnord12: Are you sure they're not just hungry?
Dr. Who: These zombies are clearly inferior minions. I could build you an army of robotic death troops, impervious to hunger, cold and fatigue... for a price.
Madame X: Yes, I'm sure it will be just as successful as your giant monkey robot.
Dr. Who: It's Mechani-Kong!
Madame X: It's a pile of junk!
min: Who are these people? And what's with that guy's teeth?
Mr. Danger: They're on loan from ToHo... unofficially.
min: You stole them?
Spored: Borrowed! Anyway, don't you have to read the card for "Worst Actress"?
Madame X: Actually we're working off some community service hours.
Dr. Who: That man scratched my cornea!
Madame X: Shut up you! No one cares about your cornea!
min: Hmmm... she's all right. I guess I could read this card for "Worst Actress" nominees for 2008.
Spored: Now I must admit that this was a very tough decision for me. But after careful consideration I've come to the conclusion that Jelynn Rodriguez's performance as a juvenile delinquent lost in the woods who confesses to an almost total stranger about how she poisoned her own mother wins the her the award for "Worst Actress" for the 2008 Spored to Death Awards.
Mr. Danger: Dude, are you sure? She's kinda hot.
Spored: Indeed. Indeed she is hot. But she still gave the worst performance I've seen all year. Granted, it was no where near as bad as the train wreck that was The Malibu Beach Vampires, but sadly that is not eligible for the award. No, in all sincerity, she did suck the hardest.
Madame X: Excuse me?
Spored: At acting. You know what I mean. In any event, its time for a public service announcement, and our second and final break in the Spored to Death 2008 Awards.
fnord12: Again, this is a blog. How can you even have breaks?
Spored: We have breaks, OK? This next commercial addresses a very serious problem in today's society. Pay close attention Sporefans, as I think you all need to know about this next topic, presented to us by a Dr. Mike McMonkey, Copy Lord.
min: Copy Lord?
fnord12: Again, how is this possible? This is a blog.
Spored: Don't be a nay-sayer! Just sit back and watch the PSA. And by watch I mean read.
Dr. McMonkey: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here today to address a very serious problem in today's society. A problem that affects young and old, sick and healthy, rich and poor. A problem that has a great and terrible impact on our society. A problem that threatens our very way of life!
Dr. McMonkey: I speak, of course, of vehicular herpes.
Dr. McMonkey: Vehicular herpes affects millions of Americans and American automobiles each day. It spreads from car to person, person to car... or Vespa occasionally. It can oftentimes be a crippling disease that destroys families... with gouts of huge orange flames. Right now, someone you know and maybe love, or at least want to have sex with... or their car... one of them probably has vehicular herpes.
Dr. McMonkey: Maybe.
Dr. McMonkey: There is no cure for vehicular herpes, but there is treatment. First, ask yourself... "Do I have vehicular herpes?". Go on, ask. I'll wait.
Dr. McMonkey: If you have one or more of the following symptoms, you might have vehicular herpes: Oil leakage, loose gaskets, loose bowels, angry warts that read "vehicular herpes" in very fine print, irritability, increased need for oxygen, flame emission from the crotch area, increased anxiety about vehicular herpes, death, dizziness, swelling of the muffler or glands, one headlight or breast larger than the other and lycanthropy.
Dr. McMonkey: If you suspect that you have vehicular herpes please contact the Center for Vehicular Herpes Treatment at ohmygodihavevehicularherpesandimgonnadiegonnadiegonnadie@hotmail.com, or call our toll free number at 1-800-oh-my-god-i-have-vehicular-herpes-and-im-gonna-die-gonna-die-gonna-die... extension 12. We'll be waiting for your call. Or email. Don't wait! Vehicular herpes could happen to you. In fact, it just did. You should probably get help. Soon. Like yesterday.
fnord12: That can't be real.
Dr. Who: Does... anyone have a cell phone I could borrow? Just for a minute.
Madame X: Ew! No! Get real!
Dr. Who: I just wanna... call my mom. She misses me, you know. And I need to check in every...
Madame X: Keep your herpes covered hands away from my cell phone. And me!
Dr. Who: Don't be ridiculous! I don't have vehicular herpes!
Madame X: I always thought it was strange that Mechani-Kong had warts on his crotch. Now we know why.
Dr. Who: I don't have vehicular herpes!
Mr. Danger: Spored! We're running out of time! We have to wrap it up.
Spored: OK, we're getting close to the end here at the first annual Spored to Death Awards! Our next category is "Best Actor". Lets take a look at the nominees. Here's Mr. Danger with the nominees for "Best Actor".
Mr. Danger: Hey, these guys can act! But who's the best?! Lets take a look at this fatal four way of acting talent. First up is Matthew Holness who plays Garth Mahrenghi and Dr. Rick Dagless on Garth Mahrenghi's Darkplace. It's a British invasion! Our next nominee is Sho Aikawa who plays Shin'ichi Ichikawa from Zebraman. In this corner from Ottowa, Ontario Canada is Phil Caracas who plays both Harry and Fuzzy knuckles in Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace. Those Canadians sure can wrestle! Our final contestant is Richard Ayoade who plays both Dean Learner and Thornton Reed on Garth Marenghi's Darkplace. Will Ayoade team up with Holness, or will the British solidarity fall apart?!
Dr. Who: Excuse me young man, is there a phone around here? Could I borrow your phone?
Mr. Danger: Dude, get away from me with your filthy hands! Leave my cell phone alone.
Spored: You do know this isn't a wrestling match, right?
Mr. Danger: What? Oh, yeah... And the winner is... Sho Aikawa from Zebraman!
Spored: While all the nominees did excellent jobs, Sho Aikawa put on a brilliant performance as a man defeated by life in the day, and a superhero with the powers of a Zebra at night. Congratulations to Sho Aikawa as the "Best Actor" here on the 2008 Spored to Death Awards.
Mr. Danger: What are Zebra powers anyway?
Spored: And now, on to our next category, and one of my personal favorites: "Worst Actor". Reading the list of nominees will be Dr. Who...
Dr. Who: I have increased anxiety about vehicular herpes. It's a symptom of vehicular herpes. Oh my god, I have it! I don't want to die!
Spored: I mean Madame X.
Madame X: Anything to get out of here faster. And the nominees for "Worst Actor" are Mark Wahlberg as Elliot Moore in The Happening; Dougald Park as Dr. Virgil Nichols in Darkplace/Shadowbox; The Plastic Tree as The Plastic Tree in The Happening; and Sebastian Apodaca as Bobby G. Cortez in the movie Half Caste.
Spored: This was a tough decision to make. These actors all took the time to make terrible movies and do a half-assed job the entire time. Their lack of skill is legendary, even in Hell. So to make a big decision like this, to say that one of these actors is so bad that they make everyone else look good by comparison... well, it brings a little tear to my eye.
Spored: The winner of the "Worst Actor" in the 2008 Spored to Death Awards goes to... APODACAAAA!!! Sebastian Apodaca, I hereby announce that you are the worst of the worst at acting in the 2008 Spored to Death Awards. Do the world a favor and stay off screen!
min: You do realize that you just put a live human being in a contest against a plastic tree and claimed that the tree was the superior actor.
Spored: Oh, yes. I realize it. More than you can ever know. APODACAAA!!!
Madame X: Someone's got issues.
Spored: That may be, but we've got two awards to hand out yet, and precious little time. Its at this point that they'd start playing the "wrap it up" music at an actual awards ceremony. But here we are at last, the big two, the giant pair, the end of the show! The best and worst movies of 2008... well, the ones I reviewed anyway. min, would you read off the nominees for "Best Movie".
Spored: So this is the part where I mention that I only reviewed three things that were actually good this year, and that I put The Deaths of Ian Stone in there just to fill up a forth spot.
min: Why are you telling us this? Aren't you ruining the contest?
Spored: Actually I'm doing this to create space between each of the nominee announcements and the winner. Its no fun if there's no suspense.
min: What? That's stupid. You could have just made a list and this post would have been done weeks ago.
Spored: But... what about the drama... the drama of not knowing?
fnord12: Again, this is in print. People can just skip ahead.
Madame X: Do you mean to tell me that the only reason we're here is... for filler?
Spored: No! No, not at all. What makes the Spored to Death Awards so unique is the colorful commentary that I get from all of you... you guys... you're what makes this special. Its the wacky hijinks, the antics, the conversations that we have that make the Spored to Death Awards a cut above regular award ceremonies.
Dr. Who: Will someone please let me call for a doctor. I'm dying.
Madame X: Shut up you! No one cares!
Spored: See, that's what I'm talking about. And the winner for "Best Movie" for the 2008 Spored to Death Awards is Garth Marenghi's Darkplace starring Matthew Holness!
Dr. McMonkey: Hey, why not Zebraman?
Spored: In all honesty, Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is the epitome of great bad entertainment. It's exactly what I look for in awesome terribleness. Granted, all of that is done on purpose, but in order to get to that point the creators of that show probably had to wade through the same bog of terribleness that I call my home. Or, at least, my home entertainment center.
Spored: And with that we come to the final award for the first annual Spored to Death Awards... the award you've all been waiting for... the award for "Worst Movie". And here to present that award is a special guest. Please welcome, from Portland Oregon mycroft3x!
Spored:...
Spored: I don't understand. He was supposed to parachute in from the skylight.
mycroft3x: Actually I thought I'd use the door. The parachute you gave me was not so... good... looking.
Spored: But I made it myself.
mycroft3x: Exactly.
Spored: But... what was wrong with it?
mycroft3x: I'm not an expert in parachutes, but I'm pretty sure the straps are not meant to be held together with pipe cleaners and duct tape.
Spored: But... duct tape is... strong... ish.
mycroft3x: Yeah. I'm gonna go with the door.
Spored: Well... OK. I guess. Can you at least tell us who the nominees for "Worst Movie" are in a dramatic fashion?
mycroft3x: The first nominee for the worst movie in the Spored to Death Awards for 2008 is Half-Caste, written, directed by and starring Sebastian Apodaca.
Spored:APODACAAAA!!!
mycroft3x: The second nominee for the worst movie in the Spored to Death Awards for 2008 is Philip Adrian Booth's Darkplace/Shadowbox.
Dr. Who: I'm itchy! I'm itchy in bad places!!!
mycroft3x: The third nominee for the worst movie in the Spored to Death Awards for 2008 is Tom Skull's Grizzly Park.
Dr. McMonkey: It's got bears in it! Also, this cream will cure vehicular herpes.
Dr. Who: What's in it?
Dr. McMonkey: Just use it. It's all good.
Dr. Who: Oh god, I don't want to die!
mycroft3x: And the final nominee for the worst movie in the Spored to Death Awards for 2008 is M. Night Shymavehicularherpesmalon's The Happening. Wait, why does it say that? His name is...
Spored: SHHH!!! Don't say his name. It gives him power. Don't even think it.
mycroft3x: Ooookay.
Spored: Trust me on this. And... the winner for the "Worst Movie" award for the Spored to Death Awards for 2008 is...
Dr. Who: Oh god, IT BURNS!
Dr. McMonkey: Dude, it's just lye.
Spored: And the winner is... M. Night Shyma-ahitdoesn'tmatterwhatyournameismalon's The Happening.
Madame X: Thank god. It's over. Let's leave.
Spored: I want to give a special thank you to all my guests here today. Thank you for spending your time to help with the awards. And a special thank you to all my readers, who, despite my decided lack of talent, keep coming back. Thank god the Internet is so boring. And a special thanks to...
Mysterious man: Hold it, hold it, hold it!
mycroft3x: Hey, isn't that...
Spored: NO! Don't say his name! Just infer his identity through his dialogue.
mycroft3x: What?
Mysterious man: My movie does not deserve to be called the worst movie of 2008. This is an outrage! How dare you claim that my movie is worse than anything else on this site?
Spored: Well, first off... I can do that because it is. Secondly... well, we don't have judges here. I never said that this contest was fair. Actually about the only thing fair here is the reader's choice...
Mysterious man: See! This contest is fixed. Fixed!
Spored: I... just admitted that.
Mysterious man: Also, my movie cost sixty million dollars to make and was my first R-rated film ever. How can you dispute that?
Spored: Umm... I didn't. Also, it tanked as far as movies go. It barely made any money, grossing only sixty-four million by its closing weekend.
Spored: Did you touch Roger Ebert oddly to get him to say that?
Mysterious man: What? How dare you!
Spored: Well, first I put words together. They form sentences, which I then...
Mysterious man: You know what? It doesn't matter! Because I have a court order here saying that you have to stop making fun of my movie. So there!
mycroft3x: Let me see that.
mycroft3x: It's written in your own handwriting.
Mysterious man: Is not!
mycroft3x: It's on lined paper. In ball point pen. You can still see the edges where you tore it out of a note book.
Spored: Oh, its all right. It doesn't matter.
Mysterious man: See! See! He admits it! Its a legal docu...
Spored: Oh, no no. That's not it at all.
Mysterious man: I don't understand.
Spored: It doesn't matter... because I have zombies.
Mysterious man: That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as a zombie.
Spored: Really?
Spored: ZOMBIES!
Spored: ...
Spored: Eat.
Mysterious man: Oh get real. Hey. Hey! Get away from me! Knock it off you freaks. Get Awa... AAAAAAHHHH!!! OH MY GOD THEY'RE EATING ME! AAAAAAHHHH!!! STOP!!! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Spored: So that concludes the first annual Spored to Death awards. I hope you'll join me soon when we review...
Mysterious man: MY EYE!!! I NEED THAT TO SEE!
Spored: I guess we can call him M. Night Shymazombilon now.
mycroft3x: Ouch. That was bad.
min: Oh. Why? Seriously, why?
Spored: Because I can. And must. Please join us next time for a review of "Sharks in Venice". Until then, enjoy some of these fine commercials Sporefans!
And now its your turn Sporefans. Here are the reader's choice polls for Best and Worst movie of 2008.
