Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Godzilla X Mechagodzilla

Spored to Death: Welcome back Sporefans. This week we'll be reviewing the second movie in our two part Mechagodzilla and mechanical monster special, "Godzilla against (or VS or X depending on who you ask) Mechagodzilla". Now last week I announced that I was reviewing the 1993 version of Godzilla VS Mechagodzilla, but as it turns out I was mistaken about what version I had. I actually had the 2002 version of this fight, and, well... I hadn't actually watched it until just before I began the review.

Spored to Death: Joining me once again this week will be two of the finest villains ever to associate with a towering metallic doppelganger, Dr. Who and Madame X from "King Kong Escapes".

Madame X: Thank you Spored to Death. I hope that this will fulfill our contractual obligation to you and your company. Now, about our fee? I think...

Spored to Death: We really shouldn't discuss money until after the review Madame, its very uncouth. Rest assured that we here at Spored to Death publishing are prepared to compensate you for your valuable time. Speaking of which, can you hand me that bottle next to you?

Spored to Death: Oh yeah... that's the stuff. So where is Dr. X? He also has to be here for the review.

Madame X: He said that he would be a little late. Are... are you drinking?

Spored to Death: Wha, me? No, I would never do that. Not on the job. My profession is a sacred and time honored tradition that I take very seriously. Hand me that ice bucket, would you?

Dr. X: I have returned! And now I have a surprise for you all. Do you remember last week how Spored to Death insulted my mighty Mechani-Kong? And you, Madame X! You claimed that I was attracted to machines and insulted my honor! Now you shall both pay dearly for your insults.

Spored to Death: Oh hey doc. Did the Daleks keep you from getting here on time? I hear they can... oh yeah, you're the other Dr. Who. Sorry, my mistake.

Madame X: What do you mean? Explain yourself!

Dr. Who: After the movie last night I took the liberty of taking my newly restored Mechani-Kong to the North Pole! I was able to use my upgraded Mechani-Kong to extract element X from the polar ice cap, and now I shall show you the fruit of my labors. Mwahahaa!

Madame X: Are you mad? Element X is highly radioactive! You can't handle it without proper protection!

Dr. Who: Ha! What do you know? You are no scientist! And now you shall both witness the awesome power of element X!!!

Madame X: No don't! You'll kill us all!

Spored to Death: Huh? Did you say something? I'ma... just a little drunk... you know...


Spored to Death: Heya, Doc... if I'm not mistaken, isn't that the titanium ball that the Russians sunk at the North Pole? The one with the Russian flag inside?

Dr. Who: What? No, its element X you fool!

Spored to Death: Then why is it a perfect sphere? And what's that seam?

Madame X: There's a little button here. See, if I press it... oh look, a little Russian flag! And a little note too! How cute!

Spored to Death: Congratulations Doc. You just un-claimed the North Pole. Hahaahaaa!... Why is that so funny? Anyhoo, don't we have a movie to review?

Madame X: What are you talking about, you drunken fool? Didn't you notice that he just tried to kill us?

Spored to Death: Yeah, but he's so bad at it. So this week we're reviewing the 2002 movie, "Godzilla VS Mechagodzilla". Its a fine piece of film, if you're into giant monsters and robots, but I was left with the feeling that I've seen a lot of this content in a non-Godzilla environ. This new Mechagodzilla movie strikes me as a fusion of old school Mechagodzilla with Neon Genesis Evangelion. There are a lot of similarities, such as locking struts on the robot, a limited battery life, detachable conventional weapons, and the fact that Mechagodzilla is reconstituted from DNA taken from the first Godzilla that was killed in Tokyo bay and is now a cyborg organism designed to fight its own kind. So, yeah, its exactly like Evangelion.

Neon Genesis Mechagodzilla anyone?

Madame X: I am confused? Why do they speak in the movie of this being the second Godzilla attack on Japan? Were there not other Godzilla movies where the monster attacked Japan before this?

Two noticeable cameos in the movie are New York Yankees star Hideki Matsui and this guy here, Takehiro Murata who was the star of Godzilla 2000.

Spored to Death: I'm glad you brought that up. Apparently the writers were looking for a fresh start with this new movie, and decided that this would be a direct sequel to the 1954 Godzilla movie. They acknowledged that there were other movies that coincide with this movie as a series, such as Mothra and War of the Gargantuas, but all of the Godzilla movies up until this point have been forcibly forgotten. Think of it as a cinematic lobotomy, or that sequence in the X-Men comics that got rid of the non-adamantium clawed wolverine because things were getting too wacky.

Spored to Death: So on to our brief synopsis of the film. Godzilla makes his "second" attack on Japan and the Japanese are powerless with their Maser technology. This is made apparent as the Anti-Megalosaurus Force suffers massive casualties before the title of the movie is even hits the screen.

Dr. Who: Ha! Those puny tanks are no match for a monster. But even more impressive is my Mechani-Kong!

Spored to Death: Young pilot, Maser operator and screw up Akane Yashiro (played by Yumiko Shaku) gets the brilliant idea to shoot Godzilla in the eye. Godzilla then decides to show the AMF why its a bad idea to shoot a giant radiation breathing lizard in the eye and squishes a bunch of them. Akane is disciplined for "missing" Godzilla, and given a desk job for four years. In the meantime, a scientist specializing in cybernetics named Tokimitsu Yuhara (played by Shin Takuma) works with a special team that makes up the greatest minds in all of Japan. Their goal is to create Mechagodzilla and defeat Godzilla once and for all.

Hey, I heard you survived that fight with Godzilla! So where's the rest of your... oh... uh... this is kind of awkward.

Dr. Who: Bah! Their scientific knowledge is laughable. In my day it only took one scientist to create a giant robot. Now it requires a team? Laughable!

Madame X: And why does Tokimitsu get to bring his daughter with him on the project? Is this bring your child to school day? Are you still drinking?

Spored to Death: Who me? Nah. I never touch tha stuff. Anyway, that chick Akane gets all, like, into this 80's training montage for four years so that she can pilot the Mecha-ni-godzilla. I dunno what push ups have to do with flying a giant robot, but she does a lot of them. Shouldn't they like, have some sort of simulator or something? I mean, uhh... what was I talking about?

Training is fundamental in becoming a Mechagodzilla pilot. Or boxer coming out of retirement. Or a ping pong champion.

Dr. Who: You were talking about how the girl was training to fly the robot. Preposterous! Giant robots need no human pilots. What kind of incompetent scientist makes a robot without a computerized brain? Has he never heard of vacuum tubes?

Spored to Death: Actually Doc, they got microchips now. The only thing they use vacuums for is to clean the house. Aw man, have you seen that new Dyson vacuum? That thing's pretty frickin' amazing! You know... they cost like an arm and a leg...

Its like a Dyson vacuum, except this one crushes your house instead of cleaning it.

Madame X: Are you all right? You're turning red. And your speech is slurred.

Spored to Death: Better never, baby! Got that... uhh... I mean never better. You know that right? What I meant. By that? Course you do, sugar-lips. Now as I was sayin', the chick Akuna... no, Aka... Abracadabra does a bunch of trainin' to fly the robit, an then she changes in the guys locker room fer some raisin. Guess they only got one locker room in Japan... er, the movie... or the military in the mov.... eh, you get the picture.

Spored to Death: Then they, like, get some planes and cables and SPORED, and airlift Mecha-no-godzilla to the fight... and he's got one of those freezer beams and SPORED, but it goes all angry and like, tries to be Godzilla again.

What is it she has to fight again? Dracula?

Dr. Who: You mean that the genetic computers that ran from the original Godzilla's DNA triggered a genetic memory which caused Mechagodzilla to turn against its creators. HA! These scientists of the future are truly pathetic. My Mechani-Kong would never turn against his creator!

Spored to Death: Yah! That thing. With the geneto computer an' the memory and such. Anyhoo, you should totally go see the movie while its in the thea-rers. Man, I need some more ice, its all startin' to melt on me here. So doc, that science-guy in the movie says' he's imma..immune to scurvy. Issat a science thing doc? You immune ta scurvy?

Dr. Who: That was just a line from the movie.

Spored to Death: Oh yeah, you can't be 'mune to scurvy, lookit your teeth. Ha. HA! Bad dennal plan innat evil mad scientist union? Gotta be.

Madame X: You're drunk. I think that this review is over. Can we just get paid and leave now?

Spored to Death: Whattabout that... uh... that guy... who's like... "Cut the crap! We're fighting Godzilla here!" Like he's gonna win... Haahaahaaaa! Like he's gonna win. Oh, I gotta write that one down somewheres.

Spored to Death: 'Sides... gotta ask the doc about the Mech-uh... robot... Godzilla.... comparison. Whadda think doc? Which-a-one's better? New or old?

Dr. Who: The new mechagodzilla does have an impressive array of weapons, and is much faster and more agile than the older model... but its lack of automation and the fact that it was build by human scientists makes me think that the old Mechagodzilla was the superior model.

Spored to Death: And, uhhh... Medem.... Madame X... you got... any.... uh. Say some stuff. Gotta wrap it up here.

There goes one giant lizard.


How do I get home from here?

Madame X: The movie was a much better story than the older version. The costumes were not as unpleasant, and I really identified with the strong female lead.

Spored to Death: Really now! So I guess... uh... yeah, well that's kind of hot. Inna conclusion... gotta watch it again. Thanks fer comin' and doin' the review. Imma just gon' lie down here... and type tshiss out inna mornin'

Madame X: What about our money? You promised us compensation!

Spored to Death: Oh... that. Yeah. Well, we ain't got no budget... so there's no money. But, as far as I'm con.. concerned... you guys are honorarory Spored to Death publishing reviews. Reviewers! That's what I meant. Reviewers. You guys are hon... hono... yeah, you ROCK!

Madame X: Wait till he passes out, then grab his wallet.

Dr. Who: Agreed.

Quick note Sporefans. We're going back into our Fall schedule soon, so there will be less frequent reviews. I'm going to try and get one more really good review out before the end of the Summer. But don't fret! Even though I'll be too busy to make my review quota as usually as I can in the Summer, there will still be plenty of that Spored to Death Publishing goodness for you to read.

Just... a little less frequently... that's all.

1 comment:

fnord12 said...

Wolverine got his adamantium back when the arch-villain Apocalypse, who has a penchant for 'upgrading' mutants, turned him into Death, the leader of the Four Horseman. Eventually Wolverine shook off his Death persona but retained the adamantium. It wasn't a very well written story, but i thought it was a good idea.