Sunday, July 13, 2008

Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace

The first sentence, Sporefans, is undoubtedly the most important sentence in any novel. Luckily I'm writing a movie review, so it doesn't matter quite so much. I speak much about words now, because last week I installed google analytics on the Spored to Death tome to see if anyone has actually been reading this blog. Apparently, what matters on the Internet is not what words you type, but the pictures and keywords you have on your site. I say this because most people who aren't on the Spored to Death mailing list find my site by using google image searches. Their keywords draw their gaze to this dark... well dark green corner of the web. Keywords like "lloyd garner" moron, garth marenghi's dark place region 1 dvd and things stuck in peoples anus's.

Hey, I don't judge. And I can think of two reviews (namely Manthing and Anus Magillicutty) where there are major themes of things stuck in peoples anuses. Besides, I'm just happy people are looking at my website, even if it is only for a second, and only to see if there are strange things stuck in people's backsides.

By the way, there are no pictures of that here. Only words. Bland, boring words; which only allude to the object/butt interaction that some of you apparently so crave. Don't give up though, I hear that there are many places out there that cater to your butt lust. For you few who are not satisfied with movie review fare, I urge you, search elsewhere.

But come back and read the review when you're done.

But enough about people's butts. There will be no more dereliction of booty around here! It is now time to get down to business with this week's review. In hindsight I should have gone straight into the review, but in the end I couldn't help but be tempted by the opportunity to make a few cheap shots at the unsuspecting backside of humor.

This week we'll be taking a look at Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace. Harry Knuckles is brought to you by the people who gave us Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter... and the letter C. Back in the day, I reviewed Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter and found it to be a great movie. Now, with a budget of $50,000 Canadian dollars (about $49,000 American) Lee Demarbe, Ian Driscoll and Phil Caracas once again set out on the high seas of movie making. But will the cast and crew from J.C.V.H. be able to once again plunder American DVD dollars away from the likes of Stargate: Atlantis season 4, the unrated edition of The Ruins, and Sleepwalking. Or will Hollywood once again successfully keep our Canadian friends from plundering their DVD booty?

Lloyd Kaufman and Phil Caracas get a drink together while contemplating the success of Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace. You know there's gonna be a good time when Lloyd Kaufman shows up, and then immediately gets drunk.

OK, I swear I'll stop making butt jokes.


Well, to answer the question stated above about plundering the booty... I don't know. Mostly because never posted the box office results for the movie. But enough about the money, lets talk about the movie. Harry Knuckles is about a private detective and adventurer named Harry Knuckles (Phil Caracas), who has (take a guess) hairy knuckles. Harry must undertake a quest to retrieve a necklace, or beat up a yeti, or something...

Harry fights a Scotsman. Here, the Scotsman is using the dreaded Scottish double nipple twister, made famous in the movie Braveheart.

Well, in truth, I'm not sure exactly what the point of this movie was originally; but Harry takes a job from two busty, female Canadian secret agents (Nancy Riehle and Emma Maloney) to retrieve a valuable pearl necklace that was stolen from a museum by a yeti. Also joining Harry in this quest is his friend and former star of the ring Santos (Jeff Moffet), who plays a larger part in this movie than he did in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

After the yeti fight, the point gets a little hazy, partly because I don't want to ruin the plot for you; but mostly because I had been drinking heavily. Harry fights a plethora (hah, you thought I was going to say menagerie, didn't you?) of outrageous bad guys, good guys, morally ambivalent guys and the yeti.

Did I mention the Yeti was also a cyborg? I should probably mention that.

Harry bites a Yeti. Hope you've had all your shots.

I won't get too far into the details of this movie, as I think its worth seeing for yourself, but I will address one of the major complaints that some people had with this movie. It seems that some of the viewers at our "lets get drunk and watch movies night" thought that the wrestling scene where Santos fights several wrestlers hired by the busty, female Canadian secret agents went on for too long; much like this sentence. To those people I say: you have obviously never had to sit through a Triple-H Wrestlemania match. If you think that a ten minute wrestling match is eight minutes too long, you've never seen the dreaded "main event sleeper".

Also, I thought that the Santos sex scene was much worse than the wrestling match. Both of which, by the way, occur in rings.

I just want you to know, that as you read that last line I felt you cringe. Your collective discomfort was actually so great that it became a tangible entity. Either that, or I ate some bad fish.

Do you ladies want to see Jeff Moffet without his shirt on? No? Why not?

Wrestling disputes aside, this movie was definitely worth the $12.99 plus shipping that I paid for it. Although it might be a bit hard to follow at times Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace features some great humor and some of the best camera and editing work I've seen in a long time. Sure, I have some unanswered questions like "Why did the mysterious villian, who shall not be named, want the pearl necklace again?" Also, "Why is there whiskey all over my shirt?" and "Where are my pants?".

Believe it or not, that's writer Ian Driscoll under that bag. And, no, he's not wearing the bag in shame; he's the unknown gas station attendant.

I should say something like "kudos to Lee Demarbre for putting together that amazing chase sequence at the end of the movie", but then I'd have to hit myself in the face for using the word "kudos" in a sentence. That's the talk of the likes of people from Ebert and Roeper country; and we don't take kindly to the likes of those uppity movie snobs around here. We just don't trust people who do strange things with their thumbs and fingers here at Spored to Death Publishing; as you never know where those questionable digits might have been.

But I digress. We're here to talk about Harry Knuckles, not questionable fingers. For those of you who enjoyed Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace is familiar territory you should probably take the time to explore. On the other hand, if you couldn't handle the campy goodness of Jesus and Santos as they battled an army of blood sucking fiends, you're probably not going to like Harry Knuckles either. These movies aren't for everyone; but then again if you're here reading this; chances are that you're one of the few that can enjoy a movie of this caliber. And if you're not, well I can recommend you go to somewhere more mainstream. I'm sure they'll point you in the right direction.

OK, I couldn't get a trailer for Harry Knuckles, but here's a clip of the Back Seat Film Festival of 2006 which has some shots of Harry Knuckles. Just look for the Yeti. This looks like my kind of film festival!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is definatley the drinking mans film festival Hahaha.