Sunday, October 19, 2008

M.D. Geist... or is it?

Greetings once again Sporefans. Today I'm going to be departing from the horror genre because I found something so bad that it merited a review. Recently the Sci-Fi channel has been broadcasting Anime films from the Manga corporation. Unfortunately because its Sci-Fi they don't really have a very good selection process for which shows make it to air. I think it goes something like this:

Sci-Fi executive: Hey what's this film?

Manga Entertainment representative: Oh that's M.D. Geist. Its a film about a post-apocalyptic world in deep space where genetically engineered super-soldiers fight in giant robots. It's not very good though.

Sci-Fi executive: Robots! Future! Space! That's just what we need!

Manga Entertainment representative: But sir, that movie's really bad! I don't think people will watch it! Are you sure that you want that one?

Sci-Fi executive: Are the robots kick-ass? They better be kick-ass!

Manga Entertainment representative: I guess they're kinda cool. But the rest of the movie...

Sci-Fi executive: Is it cheap?

Manga Entertainment representative: Yeah.

Sci-Fi executive: We'll take it!!!

And so, the Sci-Fi channel acquired the rights to show the one hour long, highly edited Anime movie M.D. Geist. And let me tell you, that movie sucked.

Too bad that's not the movie we're reviewing today.

Yes, this week we will not be reviewing the abominable movie M.D. Geist. Instead, we will be reviewing M.D. Geist 2: Death Force!

Special thanks to Couchenour for his anime gallery pictures, because I was too lazy to get screenshots from my TV. You can check his or her stuff out here:

For those of you not in the know, here's a blissfully brief recap of the first movie, M.D. Geist: It is the future on another planet. People are at war. There are genetically engineered super soldiers called M.D.S's. (pronounced Em-Dee-Esses). Some mercenaries find an M.D.S. named Geist (Jason Beck). He kills some of them. Then they make him their leader. There's also a hot chick (Joan Baker), because you need that prerequisite hot chick. She wants to have sex with Geist, so she gets naked and jumps upon him.

Geist says "no".

Hot Chick: Geist, sleep with me!
Geist: Hmmm.... Nah!

Then the mercenaries get hired by the army to go on a super dangerous mission to stop a doomsday device called the "Death Force". The Death Force is a bunch of robots that, once activated, will kill all the humans on the planet. They have a big fight. Geist goes to the control room and stops the bad guy.

Then he flips the switch and activates the Death Force. The Hot Chick gets upset because Geist is the bad guy. End movie.

Do you think that this guy might possibly be evil? Maybe? Just a little?

At the start of the second film, the Death Force is attacking and killing humans all over the planet. There are literally only a few hundred humans left alive scattered around the globe of... oh seriously, who cares? I'm calling it planet Fluffy from now on. Its not the real name, but something tells me planet Fluffy is better, and won't set off my spell check quite so much.

So there are only a few hundred people left of Fluffy, and the Death Force is swarming around trying to kill them off. In the first movie, the Death Force looks like a bunch of giant robots with giant cannons for crotches. As a matter of fact, a lot of the machines in the M.D. Geist universe have giant cannon crotches. Obviously the guy who animated this was trying to compensate for something.

Yeah, I've got BIG guns! Really big! Cause I'm, all, you know... big... and stuff. Downstairs. You know?

In the sequel, the Death Force is no longer compromised of giant phallus-bots roaming the land shooting people with their phallus-guns. No, in this movie the robots are giant bug like things that eat people. Which brings to mind this very important question:

Why would you ever make these things?

Seriously, even Oppenheimer had misgivings about designing the Atomic bomb. He knew that there existed a possibility that the Atomic bomb might wipe out all mankind, but it was only a possibility and he thought he was serving the greater good. In M.D. Geist, the entire point of the flesh eating robots (and they do eat flesh) is to wipe out mankind. There is no greater good. Why would anyone build this? Why? WHY?!

M.D. Geist needs to kill bad robots, that's why!

Moving on, Geist pops up in the beginning of the movie and kills a bunch of robots who are killing a bunch of humans. Then he decides to go off and do something else for a while. What does he do? Who cares? The writer, uh...


Oh crap!

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. There is no author, I repeat, no author listed for either of these films on or Wikipedia. There are only two possibilities that I can think of that would account for this. First, the author was so ashamed of this crap that they decided to have their name removed from the project. The other alternative is that there was no author, no script, just a bunch of crap stuck together and made into a film.

What? There's no writer? Noooo! I'm melting! What a world, what a world!

If I were to make a metaphor of this production, it would be of a passenger jet with no pilot and no co-pilot; just an inflatable clown bobbing up and down in the passenger seat. You know, the kind you used to punch as a kid; but in this case its safely locked away in the cockpit with 80 screaming passengers as it laughs while the plane plummets to the ocean. Either that, or I'm just getting my metaphor confused with that T.V. show Lost.

Oh yeah, the review! As Geist exits stage desert, the pre-requisite hot chick from the first movie (who survives because she's hot) stumbles upon the last known settlement of humans. Oh, and its run by yet another M.D.S. named Krauser (played by John Hollywood). Krauser doesn't want to kill everyone, he just wants to rule the world. You know, like a king. So, like a typical guy who wants to rule the world, he sleeps with the hot chick.

Now I need to point out that the hot chick conveniently has amnesia. This is great for King Krausa because Geist horribly scarred her mind by, oh... I dunno... trying to wipe out mankind. She gets freaked out at first when Krausa shows her the spiffy M.D.S. dogtag that they all get when they get cloned, or... whatever the hell you do to make these guys. Fortunately he knows exactly how to calm the hot chick down.

He comforts her with his penis.

My memory may be fuzzy, but I think it went something like this:

Hot Chick: Oh no! Those dog tags! You're... you're... I don't remember! But it was bad!

Krauser: Don't worry baby! I know how to make it all better. Hang on, it says I have to take this pill and wait thirty minutes. Dang it, I don't have time for this! Oh! Wait... There we go!

Hot Chick: Oh Krauser!

Krauser: Yeah, that was OK. Now go make me a sandwich.

I hear she makes some great sandwiches.

This leads us into this movie's only distinctive characteristic, a little plot device I like to call the "Geist cut". You see, many movies employ a technique known as a "jump cut". Now in a jump cut, the beginning and end of a scene are spliced together, so it makes it look like the objects in the scene have "jumped" across the screen. In a Geist cut, you just splice together two scenes that kind of happen in the same day, but continue the dialogue as if nothing happened.

Contrary to popular belief, the "Geist Cut" is not a super move. It's just bad editing.

For example, in one scene the Hot Chick is naked and telling Krauser to kill Geist because he's evil. Then the cut occurs and she's clothed and being led away by guards to a holding cell for "being crazy" or something. I've heard of men kicking out women after sex before, but sending them to prison? Only in M.D. Geist 2: Death Force!

Now, I could say that if you wanted to... if you really, really wanted to... you could watch M.D. Geist 2: Death Force, and see the Geist cut in action for yourself. There are a bunch of them all over the movie. It skips having to do things like, oh... writing the plot. I could say that.

But then I would be a rat-bastard and you would get eye herpes.

Nope, all things considered, don't watch M.D. Geist. Don't watch M.D. Geist 2: Death Force. Actually don't even read this review. Oh... well, I guess its too late for that.

Well, don't click on this youtube video. Don't do that! And whatever you do, don't turn up the volume because the sound quality is bad. Never do that!


esuarez said...

It's kind of strange that in the post apocalypse these guys have the resources to operate killer mechs. Where do they get the gas, the ammunition, and tools to fix these things. Do they run on post apocalypse?

Spored_to_Death said...

In the post-Apocalyptic future everything runs on sand.