Sunday, June 29, 2008

Zombie Strippers

Welcome back Sporefans. This week we've got an extra special pop-review. I did not intend to review this movie, and it was not on the list of movies I had released for upcoming review, but when I saw this movie I knew that I had to review it. I must offer a word of warning concerning this weeks review:

There will be no pictures.

None. Not a one. I can't put up any pictures from this movie, because this week we're reviewing Zombie Strippers starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund. As I have mentioned previously, I don't host adult content or language on this site. (If you want that sort of thing, there's a whole Internet full of it out there just waiting for you. Go on, we'll just wait over here... where its clean.) Seeing as the movie Zombie Strippers is a movie about zombie strippers, I can't very well show you any stills from this movie. About 70% of the scenes involve one or more of the actresses being on screen without clothes. Okay, sometimes they wear shoes, but mostly without clothes.

Odd, there are no pictures, but the captions remain. What could it mean?

Did I mention that this hasn't been released on DVD yet? The only way you can only see this film is in select theaters or on the On-Demand service from cable and satellite providers. I know that some of you are rushing out to the video store now to see if you can pick up this movie, but you might want to wait and let me do the review first. After all, this movie has a plot. You're not just going to watch it for the naked girls.

Or are you?

If you are, then you'll be pleasantly surprised to learn that while Zombie Strippers reeks of production quality not seen since Ed Wood movies, it also contains excellent humor, great direction and superb performances by its cast.

No, not that... actual acting.

The movie is about a genetically engineered virus that turns people into zombies. The major difference in this movie is that women who are infected retain their cognitive abilities. Guys just turn into flesh eating zombies. This is also pretty much what happens to the audience when you watch this film. The following is a typical conversation you might overhear while watching this movie:

Woman: Wow, this movie is actually pretty funny.

Man: Boobies! Whoa! Look at 'em all!!!

Woman: You really are a jerk, you know that?

Man: Huh? Did you say something?

Woman: Yeah. I said, you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

So what do you do when your zombie experiment goes awry as they so often do in these movies? You send in a crack team of Army or Marines or... something... into your top secret government lab to exterminate the zombies. But when one of the soldiers gets infected, he has to escape to the only place around: an illegal strip club. This is where he hangs out until he turns completely into a zombie and decides to nibble on the neck of the star performer Kat (Jenna Jameson).

Wow, if you could only see the picture that I didn't post here. I guess you'll just have to use your imagination. Or watch the movie. That could work too, I guess.

At this point, you are probably wondering why anyone would ever decide to make a zombie virus in the first place. I didn't, but I usually have low expectations for these films. After you've seen thirty or seventy zombie movies, you stop asking these questions. This was a mistake on my part, as it was actually important enough to the movie to get addressed. The explanation in the movie is that if a soldier were killed on the battlefield, they would rise from the dead and continue to fight. Additionally, as the soldier was already dead, they would have no fears; making them the most fearsome warriors who ever thirsted for human blood in the history of warriors who thirsted for human blood.

But what would it do to strippers?

After rising from the dead like Jesus with bazongas, Kat decides it would be a really great idea to get back on stage and take her clothes off again. I mean, once you fall off a horse you need to get right back on it, right? Now that Kat has been freed of any self conscious fears that she might have had when she was alive, she can now take her clothes off better than any woman has ever taken her clothes off before.

To music.

Once Kat becomes the uber-stripper, the men who frequent this illegal night-spot all develop a taste... for zombie strippers. No, I don't mean that they eat her, I mean that living girls can no longer strip to the standards that Kat has set. She's raised the bar, or in a stripper's case raised the pole. No, not that one; the one they dance around! Soon, all the strippers are confronted with a dilemma of slightly less than epic proportions: become a zombie, or give up stripping!

Of course, the decision is easy for the goth chick Lillith (Roxy Saint), who immediately jumps up and asked to be turned into a zombie. Soon Kat has a small cadre of zombie strippers who, after showing off their corpses on stage, take several of the guys to the private rooms for a free show and private dinner. Apparently zombie strippers like to play with their food.

After the girls have finished with dinner, they wind up leaving quite a mess. Enter Robert Englund as Ian, the mysophobic strip club owner who must choose between his revulsion and his greed. Despite his over-riding OCD about being germ free he conspires to lock up the newly made man-zombies and collect a nice cut of the profits from the zombie stripper's shows. He is assisted by former stripper Madame Blavatski (Carmite Levite) and Paco the janitor (Joey Medina), both of which provide some of the funniest moments in the movie.

While this movie was a feast for the eyes it was also a feast for the mind. Writer and director Jay Lee filled the script with both complex and low brow humor for an interesting blend of comedic style and wit . There are plenty of jokes about philosophy: the name of the town the strip club is located in is Sartre, Nebraska and Kat reads from Nietzsche at several points (apparently he makes more sense when you're dead). But the low end humor is also present in the fight sequence close to the end where one of the strippers spins around the pole causing a whirlwind, and Kat uses some billiard balls as projectiles launched from... well lets just call it an incredibly unlikely place. I'm usually disappointed by someone who wears two hats in the production of a movie, by Lee has pulled it off by having, I dunno... what's the word? I use it so rarely around here.


It must be talent, as I couldn't be swayed by anything else, could I? In conclusion, if you have to choose between watching Zombie Strippers and spending another evening watching some insipid movie from America's entertainment factory, choose Zombie Strippers. You'll be pleasantly surprised; and then immediately eaten.

No poll this week Sporefans, as blogflux keeps crashing. It has failed me. FAILED!!!

Last time I posted the trailer for Zombie Strippers. This week, have a taste of the opening night of Zombie Strippers as we join the cast at the premiere. Its so exciting, its just like a real Hollywood movie, but without all the undue hype.

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