Yar! Welcome back ya salty Sporefans for a special sea worthy review. Today we'll be takin' a look at a mighty fine piece of sea farin' film as we review Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, a tale of two fearsome beasties battling over... well, they be just battlin'. To the DEATH!
This tale of terrible terror involves two creatures from the briny deep... if by the briny deep you be meanin' an iceberg, right ahead, where they been frozen since the time before time began. Or for a really long time, whichever be more impressive.
YAR!
Our tale begins in the ancient land of Alaska, where rumor has it if you stand atop certain houses you can see the head of the giant space monster Putin rearing back its gnarled head as it prepares to eat Tokyo; but that is a tale for another time matey. In this ancient land there was a sea faring lass named Emma MacNeil (played by Debbie Gibson. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. Yar.) On an expedition to see what lies under the sea Emma encounters two primordial beasties trapped in an iceberg, right ahead. Out of the Blue there be a government experiment involving sonar and possibly a bowl of petunias that causes some whales to go crazy and smash themselves into said iceberg, right ahead. The force of the frightened whales smashing their wee whale brains all over the giant iceberg, right ahead, causes the ice to crack and crash and releases the two terrible beasties who take flight into the high seas.
Yar! I thought we didn't allow adult content on this blog! Clearly there be something inappropriate goin' on with these here tentacles!
The terrible beasties go their separate ways, wreaking havoc over the high seas like pirates... wreaking.... uh... havoc over the high seas. Note to me-self, next time construct a metaphor with two unrelated things. Yar. To be sure, these be some massive creatures, and though I can try I have Only Words to describe them. The giant shark, also known as the terrible Megalodon leaps out of the briny deep and wraps its terrible Jaws around a passenger jet, tearing the flying tin Dutchman to pieces. Every man, woman and child aboard is then Lost.
Meanwhile, the octopus also known as... the octopus, destroys a sea faring oil derrick. It be like saying "Take that you inanimate platform what extracts oil from the seabed!", but with tentacles. Either that or In His Mind it resembled a giant crab, and the beastie was just hungry. Luckily in the world of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus there be no actual oil which then decimates the Gulf of Mexico. Hey matey, if there be one link you click on in this whole review, click on that last one. It be important.
After the eight legged sea demon feasts upon the giant steely crab of fossil fuel extraction he attracts the attention of a man from beyond the high seas; or more precisely Dr. Seiji Shimada from Japan (Vic Chao). No, he's not attracted to the beastie in that way ye land lubber! Get your head out of the port hole and stop trying to Shock Your Mama! As Dr. Shimada comes from a land plagued by giant creatures who regularly lay waste to their cities, he be a prime candidate to help MacNeil and her cohort Lamar, (Sean Lawler) an on again, off again Irishman. Watch as his accent be slipping the whole movie. This be especially sad because Mr. Lawler actually hails from the emerald isle.
And now I be telling you the tale of many a men eaten by sharks. No, not the tale relayed by Quint in the movie Jaws; another, different tale. For in this tale, there be a lot less of things. For one thing, there be only one shark; but it be a big one! For another thing, there be only one set of instrument panels on any ship in the U.S. Navy, but they be movin' them about to make it look different for a submarine or a battleship or any other type of ship in the fleet. Also, there be some guys who stand about fiddlin' with the knobs that do nothing, mostly to make it look like the knobs be not there for show... provided they actually bother to touch the knobs. This be a mighty fine way to steer a ship... in the Eyes of a Child! Too bad it makes it hard to steer away from the giant shark that devours your ship and crew whole. Yar!
Oh god, the mega shark is attacking! Quick, turn some dials!
As the terrible sea beasties destroy mankind one ship at a time doctors Shimada and MacNeil get to work on a solution to destroy the monsters. While the doctors perform science-type actions with the colored liquids in the ships labs Lamar falls victim to the sandman. Left to their own scientific devices MacNeil and Shimada get to work on a Red Hot experiment in the ship's closet... also conveniently full of dials and knobs. Yar-har-har! Apparently there be plenty of things to twist and turn on the high seas!
After the doctors finish making a model of a giant octopus trapped in a sea chest MacNeil has an epiphany. She comes up with the idea to create pheromones for giant sea beasties, creatures that haven't been alive for millions of years, to lure them away from populated areas. This be accomplished in a matter of seconds by pouring one liquid into another and in true Sci-Fi style the briny juice glows bright green. Its unclear whether the scienctists want to make the creatures fight to the death or get it on, but in this world Anything is Possible.
And that's how glow sticks were invented.
This So-Called Miracle however, fails to keep the creatures from attacking Tokyo and San Fransisco. The on site soap opera sta, er... government representative Allan Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas) suggests going nuclear on these titanic krakens, but the good doctors remember their Godzilla cannon. Aye there be only one way to rid yourself of a giant beastie, and nuclear weapons ain't it. You must make said giant beastie fight yet another giant beasite.... to the DEATH!
NOM NOM NOM!!!
Arr, ain't this be where the movie started? It be obvious to most of us matey that this would be the outcome of the film, given away by havin' the word "versus" in the title. Naturally the viewer would be feelin' ripped off if they got to the end of the film and there be no fight between said giant octopus and mega shark.
"But," you ask, "be this film worth watching?" Initially I'd be sayin' no, but given the scope of other movies I've seen of the course of me many a-years, I Didn't Have the Heart to completely sink this movie. Like light beer, this movie will make you crave the real thing, and by real thing I mean the good ol' fashioned giant monster movies of not so ancient Japan. Still, this movie be havin' some great scenes of giant beasties eatin' things. If ye can get past the problems with the scale of the beasties being out of whack in the movie, the bad acting, the bad writing, the terrible special effects and the absolutely horrible set design... and matey, I mean horrible; then, after all that there might be something worth watching.
Let me put it to you this way Sporefans, when you be done with Megashark versus Giant Octopus you should be askin' yerself but one question: "Why is the rum gone?" Only when you can ask yerself, "How Can This Be? Why is the rum always gone?" will ye be able to appreciate this film. Or ye can just watch the trailer and see stuff get eaten without committing to makin' yer liver walk the plank. Yar.
Aye, if you listen real close you can hear the best line in the movie. Before you click that button, ask yeselves "What does bread do?" I think ye'll be able to spot it. And no, no more Debbie Gibson songs in me paragraphs. I be done with that. Yar.
