Sunday, April 23, 2006

Spotlight on Director Gregory Dark

Every once in a while I'll come across something interesting on, and this week it looks like I hit the jackpot with the upcoming movie "See No Evil". But, the movie itself doesn't look terribly impressive compared to the director, Mr. Gregory Dark.

In order to truly appreciate this director, I suggest you click here for a list of his works.

Yes, Mr. Dark has had a long career in the adult film industry, and is the mind behind such great films like "New Wave Hookers parts 1, 2, 3, and 4" and "Hootermaina". Apparently, Mr. Dark also directed the Britney Spears music video "From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart", as well as a music video for the show "Oz".

Now, its pretty much a given that "See No Evil" is going to be a bad movie. The only question in my mind is how bad it will be. Will it be like"House of 1000 Corpses", full of sound and fury ultimately signifing nothing (Note to Rob Zombie: MOVIES NEED PLOTS!) or is it just going to be "Alien 51" bad?

So please join me on May 19th, when "See No Evil" premieres in theaters.

I'll be at home, waiting for it to come out on video.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

Over the course of human history, there have been many great stories which we regard as classics. Also over the course of human history there have been countless numbers of people who thought that they could improve upon the original design of these classics. And most of those are utter failures. This is the story of one such failure.

“Dracula 3000” is a master work of rehashed crap. The logic behind it is simple enough: to remove Dracula from his only weakness, sunlight, put him where the sun can’t kill him.

In space.

Thus removed from his only weakness, Dracula is an unstoppable killing machine, who wipes out the entire planet of “Transylvania” and stows away on a cargo ship for Earth. So its aliens, but with vampires.

Set in the darkness of “deep space”, the crew happens upon an old cargo ship which suspiciously looks like an old kettle barbeque grill stuck on an assortment of discarded extra modeling parts. For some unfathomable reason, the crew decide that this grill-ship must be worth some money and decide to tow it back to Earth. Perhaps Earth has a surplus of beef patties and defrosted wieners that need to be cooked before the dreaded botulism sets in.

The film stars Casper Van Dien of “Starship Troopers” fame as the stereotypically unshaven male lead. Erika Eleniak from “Under Siege” and “Charles in Charge” stars as the tough as nails first mate/former sex-bot turned undercover robot detective. No, I’m not kidding.

Also, they got Coolio.

This all star cast spends the next 86 minutes trying to figure out how their careers went from their oh-so magnificent heights to this. Granted, it’s not much of a fall, but there is a difference from being on the edge of the toilet and being inside it. And baby, they are deep inside that metaphorical toilet.

Is this a step up or a step down from Charles in Charge?

While Dracula 3000 may be bad, its not painful. The 86 minutes spent watching this movie are usually filled with laughter, rather than groans. This bad movie qualifies as one of the movies so bad its good. Place your bets, folks, as to how they kill Dracula in the end. I’ll reveal this “shocking” spoiler at the end of the review.

Vampire Coolio wants your blood.

The only redeeming value of this sad, sad little movie, is the fun Coolio has playing a vampire. Oops, didn’t mean to spoil that little bit of the movie for you, but chances are that if you’re reading this, you’re not going to watch this movie. Coolio definitely shows that if you can’t act badly in a good movie, you can always act badly in a bad movie and look great by comparison. High off the “buzz” from being converted to one of the undead, Coolio jovially tortures the rest of the crew as he tries to drain them of their vital juices.

The rest of the crew is rounded out by “the big guy”, “the crippled guy” and “that other girl with the smaller bazongas”. Don’t bother trying to remember the names of these characters, they’re typecast roles say it all. Crippled guy is obviously smart and cowardly. Big guy is brave and dumb. And other girl with smaller bazongas is jealous and bitchy.

The anguish. Is it from being in deep space or this movie?


In the superbly climatic conclusion, this ship of fools formulates a fool proof plan to kill off their undead assailant. For all of you who said, “They fly the ship into the sun.” you are one-hundred percent correct.

In conclusion, if you have time to kill and a tolerance for pain, “Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness” is not that bad. For the rest of you, I can only close with a quote from Peter Griffon: “There, I just saved you two long boobless hours." Seriously, no boobs.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Public Service Announcement: Cover your ears!

Its very hard to steer your car with your hands over your ears screaming "Make it stop, make it stop!". Which is, in fact, what happened to me today.

Now I want to apologize to all the Spored to Death readers, as my first review was going to be for "Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness" which would have been ready by tomorrow, but something came up. In fact, it came up and forced itself down my ear canal causing me great pain and furious anger.

And that something was "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom And Suicide Is Press Coverage" by Panic! At The Disco.

The dictionary defines the word pretentious as : "pre·ten·tious adj.
Claiming or demanding a position of distinction or merit, especially when unjustified.
Making or marked by an extravagant outward show; ostentatious." (

But what's missing is the link to the lyrics for this song at the end of this definition. Now I'm not a music aficionado. I can say that I'm no expert at poetry or the creation of lyrics. But if it looks like feces, sounds like feces and smells like feces, then its 100% crap.

I have heard this song a few times on the radio, back and fourth to work, and frankly, after the first play though, I always dive for the dial, desperate to find something else. I'd settle for the emergency broadcast system test, or even some Coldplay. (I have issues with a guy who sings about how sad he is and how much he cries about his pain when he can afford to go home to his solid gold house in his shiny new rocket car. But I'll save Coldplay for another time.)

When this song came on today and caught me by surprise, I had to ask myself a hard question. Should I reach for the dial and try to drive this demon-jingle from my head, or should I just swerve into oncoming traffic now and end my pain. I decided to live, but only by a narrow margin.

I'm not going to bother posting a link to the lyrics for this audible waste, but here's a small portion for you to examine:

"Dear studio audience,
I have an announcement to make.
It seems the artists these days are not who you think.
So we'll pick back up on that on another page.

And I believe, this may call for a proper introduction.
And well, dont you see? I'm the narrator and this is just the prologue."

So what can be gathered from the core of these lyrics (as the rest of the song is some form of refrain, replayed over and over) is that there is some "deception" by "the artists" but its something that will be explained later. The promised explanation never makes its debut in the song. The last line translates to "There's a guy singing this song and there's more to this story."

So are we to believe that there's some multi-song epic opera in the works about the grand conspiracy of modern music? More likely the "artist" wanted to write something deep and meaningful, but that was just too hard. Instead they wrote about writing something deep and meaningful. This "metacontent" which links to (surprise) nothing, is nothing more than a lazy and failed attempt to disguise a fluff piece as deep and meaningful. Similar to dying a Labrador retriever green and trying to pass it off as the Loch Ness monster.

This song was most likely written by someone who was masturbating to the though of how great they were and what an important contribution they would be making to the world. So a word to all those out there who don't possess a CD or tape deck in your car. Beware. There is crap on the airwaves. It will crush your spirit and make you beg for death. You' have been warned.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Bored? Welcome to the epitome of boredom!

Boredom and listlessness. These things have led mankind to some of its worst decisions regarding entertainment in the history of, well... entertainment. Many of us have flipped through the cable channels at some late hour of night and had to pick the least of evils in desperation. Movies that most people wouldn't even consider reading about suddenly become palatable under these dire circumstances.

But what if there was someone who actively sought out these horrible movies? Some masochist with a tight budget, poor taste, and a movie store with a large discount section.

And what if this someone wrote about these movies (and other media)?

In that case you'd have Spored to Death Publishing. A guide to some of the worst films on the planet. Indeed, we here at Spored to Death Publishing will go to great lengths, and at times endure great pain to give you reviews of the worst crap ever produced by man (or woman) in the name of entertainment.

Coming up in the next few posts are reviews of some terrible, and a few OK titles. We here at Spored to Death hope to give you a comprehensive look at what to stay away from at the video store.

And remember, if its not Spored to Death, it hasn't been covered in giant radioactive alien Satanic mold which hopes to spread over the face of the Earth.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006



This site is currently under construction. Please excuse me while I see what condition my condition is in.