Sunday, July 17, 2011

Almighty Thor

Welcome back Sporefans. Lately everyone has been talking about this “Thor” movie, and I had the opportunity to watch the film. I have to say that I don’t understand how this movie could bring in so much money and be what everyone's been talking about lately. Actually, I don’t understand why anyone would ever pay to see this film. How bad was the movie?

Well, I saw it on SyFy for free and I want my money back.

I should have known something was amiss when I saw Richard Grieco cast as Loki, but I trusted in the people who said, “Thor was awesome, you gotta see it!” and “Aw, man! I loved Thor!” To those of you who said that... you betrayed me and I hate you. I had to wash my eyes twice to get rid of the filth.

And so I watched Almighty Thor.

There are no words that can prepare you for this horror.

The problem with writing a review for this movie is that there’s so much ground to cover. I can’t accurately convey the pain that I experienced while watching Almighty Thor in a traditional review, so what I’ve decided to do is re-write key scenes of the movie so that you can experience my perceptions of the film without actually having to watch it. Hopefully I can convey the terribleness of this film without actually making anyone else have to sit through it.

Our story begins in Asgard, where Loki quests to find the Hammer of Invincibility magical big rock on a stick. Odin (played by Kevin Nash) and his two sons Baldir (Jess Allen) and Thor (Owen Wilson err... I mean Cody Deal) rush off to meet Loki on the field of battle. Well, they walk slowly, because Kevin Nash doesn’t have any knees left.

And now I present the following in Sporevision!(tm) ACTION!!!

Loki: Give me the hammer Odin. Just give it to me and I’ll go away.

Odin: NEVER!

Loki: (looks directly at camera and breaks the fourth wall) If you don’t give me the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick, then I’ll make everyone watch another two hours of this movie.

Spored: (from couch) Give him the rock on a stick, you fool! Are you really going to make me watch two hours of this?

Odin: NEVER!

Spored: You rat bastard!

Thus our intrepid heroes set off on a magical quest to wish they were doing something else. Alas, Odin does not give the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick to Loki, but casts it into a portal beyond his reach; but not before both he and Baldir bite it and get out of the movie. I bet they had a good laugh all the way to the bank. But before Kevin Nash could take his five figure paycheck to the nearest First Union, Wachovia, Wells Fargo... knee replacement clinic; he sent his blithering man-boy-god son on a quest to save the universe from certain destruction.

One day's work + total lack of dignity = a pair of new knees for Kevin Nash. Hey, don't blame him; he's the smart one here.

Odin: Thor, my son. You must go and retrieve the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick before the new moon passes, or it will be lost forever.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Odin: No my son, you must retrieve the hammer.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Odin: Thor...

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Odin: Damn it, why did it have to be you that survived.

Meanwhile, Loki laid waste to the stationary armies of Asgard with great balls of fire that rained from the heavens and giant CGI dogs with spiky backs. The stationary army did everything it could to repel Loki to no avail. It tried staying very still, staying in place, not moving, and being very unobtrusive in the background of the frame; but alas it was thwarted by Loki’s ability to ambulate from one place to another.

Stationary army member: Come over here! We shall defeat you!

Loki: No.

Stationary army member 2: Come on. We have milk and cookies!

Loki: No, I’m not coming over there.

Stationary army member: Please! I was only kidding when I said we shall defeat you. We’ll ah... I dunno play a game of cards.

Stationary army member 3: Would someone please put me out. I seem to be on fire.

Stationary army member: Aw. Shame that. Say Mr. Loki, would you be a pal and put him out?

Loki: Well, I suppose... wait a minute!

Stationary army member 2: Ah! We almost had you there!

Stationary army member: Shame too. We could have defeated you.

Stationary army member 3: Does anyone care that I’m still on fire?

While watching the movie Fight Club, I learned that a changeover is when something happens off screen, like changing a reel of film, and the movie continues while the audience is none the wiser. One such event must have occurred, for Thor did finally realize that his father’s dying wish was that he find the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick before it was lost forever. Unfortunately Loki arrived and taunted Thor once, causing him to fly into a fit of rage and attack. In slow motion.

There is a decided lack of fighting with hammers in Almighty Thor. Guns, swords, spears, dogs, fire... check. Hammers... not so much.

Actually, every battle in Almighty Thor occurs in slow motion. Every. One. It. Makes. It. So. You. Don’t. Have. To. Write. So. Much. Plot. But then Thor gets his butt kicked and runs away gibbering like an idiot.

In his rush to escape the event horizon of Richard Grieco’s collapsing career Loki, Thor is tripped by some girl in the woods named Jar... Je... hang on a minute, let me look this up...

Jarnsaxa. Yeah, I can’t pronounce that either, but she’s played by Patricia Velasquez. Anyway, Jarnsaxa trips Thor and then beats him up. The following scene occurs between 3 and 4 PM Eastern standard time. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.

Jar... jes... Gertru... oh, whatever. It's Patricia Velazquez. She's a Valkyrie or something.

Jarnsaxa: Thor, you must come with me to the sacred grove, so that I can give you the training that you need to defeat Loki.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki.

Jarnsaxa: No Thor, you must come with me. We must go to the sacred grove, which will hide our presence from Loki so that I might train you.

Thor: But I wanna fight the Loki!

Jarnsaxa: No Thor, you... hey look. Keys! Jingle, jingle. Get the keys, Thor. Come on, get the keys!

Thor: Hahaha! Jingle... jingle!

Meanwhile, Loki finds the boundary of the hidden grove and delivers his signature line.

Loki: Just give me the hammer Thor, then I’ll just go away.

Jump cut to Thor and Jarnsaxa.

Jarnsaxa: Now that I have given you the training you need to fight Loki, which is evident because you are now wearing slightly different clothes and a cape, we can leave the hidden grove to retrieve the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick. And just in time too, for Loki has found the hidden grove and is even now attempting to break down its magical walls.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Jarnsaxa: No Thor. You are not yet ready. And besides, we must retrieve the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick.

Thor: But... you just train me. I can no fight?

Jarnsaxa: Oh. Well... ah. Keys! Keys, Thor! Come get the keys!

Thor: Hahaha! Keys!

Thor follows the jingling of the keys.

Thor: I love you lady I met yesterday!

Jarnsaxa: Oh, I love you too, mightiest of the gods!

This goes on for two more hours.

No. Really. This is it! For the next two hours, Jarnsaxa leads Thor around by the nose, jumping into the human world where they fight one mugger and save one woman before heading back to Jarnsaxa’s place to play with guns. Eventually they go find the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick. Loki follows them through the rest of the movie looking very much like the Necromancer from Diablo 2, but with all the gusto of Pepe Le Pew. In fact, I have this rare, behind the scenes clip of Richard Grieco and Cody Deal on the set in Los Angeles.


Cody Deal: So what’s my motivation again?

Director Christopher Ray: You want to fight Loki. But you can’t.

Cody: Oh.

Cody: ...OK.

Chris Ray: And Rich... Richard, my man! How are you feeling?

Richard Grieco: This suit kinda smells funny. I’m getting paid this time, right?

Chris: Of course, of course! I’m just waiting for that check from SyFy to clear. Listen, Rich... I know you’re really struggling with this part.

Richard: Well, Loki seems kinda flat. I mean, all he wants is this rock on a stick thing and then to destroy the world. There’s really not much more to him.

Richard Grieco is clearly thrilled.

Chris: But Rich, you can make him so much more... awesome. You know? Can we try something? Maybe this will help demonstrate my point.

Richard: All right.

Chris: OK. Close your eyes. Now... no, really close them.

Richard: (sigh)... fine.

Chris: OK, now visualize the hammer. It’s not just a hammer Rich. The hammer represents something that you’ve always wanted but never had. Something you feel you deserve, but someone took it away from you.

Richard: Look, this is...

Chris: Stop! It’s not a hammer Rich! It’s not a hammer! It’s a symbol... a thing you’ve always wanted but could never have... and Cody is taking it away from you... but you... you have the power to get it back. You can have that thing Rich.

Chris: No, don’t open your eyes yet! Visualize it! You have the power to take it back! You understand? This is the moment of your victory! All you have to do, Richard listen to me... all you have to do is take what’s rightfully yours from Cody. OK?

Chris: OK? Rich?

Richard:Y... yeah. Yeah! OK.

Chris: OK. Places. Everyone! Places.

Chris: Rich... Richard. Now when I yell action, open your eyes, understand? Are you ready?

Richard: Yeah... I’m ready.

Chris: Action!

Cody: I wanna fight...


Cody: Oh holy sh...

Richard: I’ll KILL YOU!!! GIVE ME MY CAREER!!!

Sound technician: Hey, should he be punching Cody like that? I mean...


Cody: Help!


Chris: Get me a medic, NOW!

Cody: He’s smashing my face! Somebody help me! Its my meal tic...

Sorry Sporefans, the camera cuts out there as all hands were required to pull Richard Grieco off of Cody Deal. I hear that a few weeks after Cody got out of the hospital they resumed shooting, and the character of Loki was given a much more... mellow motivation. Not to mention some medication. And that’s why, to the best of my knowledge, Richard Grieco acts like Pepe Le Pew as Loki in Almighty Thor.

Oh man this is really, really happening. This is my life, and it's ending one second at a time. I'm really making this movie. This horrible, horrible movie. Really. It's not a dream.

Why, God? Why?

I still don’t get it, Sporefans. Why did people pay good money to go see this in theaters? Why would anyone pay to see this ever? Almighty Thor is a horrible two hour waste of time. I heard that this was a really good interpretation of the comic franchise, but all I got was pain. Horrible, unyielding pain the likes of which I haven’t seen in a long time.

What? What’s that Sporefans? You say that there’s another Thor movie and that I’m watching the wrong one? Oh, look at that! You’re right. There is another Thor movie. Well clearly I’ve made a mistake. I mean, I thought that I was watching the Thor movie, not a Thor movie. Well, until I can find this other Thor movie, I can’t say for sure that those people were lying to me. So I guess, for now, I should call off the hit squad.

Where did I leave that number, anyway?

Oh yeah. Here's the trailer. You can watch it. Or don't.