Sharktopus

Last time on the tome we did a review for Mega Shark VS. Giant Octopus where I told you all, Sporefans, that the Shark and the Octopus fought to the death in the briny deep.

Well I was wrong. Very, very wrong. They weren’t fighting. They were doing that thing that your parents were doing when you walked in on them late one night and you didn’t knock and they told you that they were wrestling. 

Naked.

It must have been all that Debbie Gibson music.

One year later, SyFy released the movie Sharktopus! Half shark, half octopus, the Sharktopus stalks the tattered remains of Eric Roberts' career and feeds upon its entrails. Obviously the sharktopus wanted to eat only the Best of the Best.

Sharktopus: The snack that eats you back!

I’m just kidding. Eric Robert’s career is doing just as well as it has since the early nineties. The Sharktopus didn’t really eat it after all; it’s all done with smoke and mirrors. It’s not like Robert’s has sunk to the level of Daniel Baldwin, whose name still sends shudders up the spines of actors fallen upon bad times everywhere.

In fact, Sharktopus is a very watchable movie. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s a good movie, but it’s a fun movie and definitely one you can drink to. And it didn’t kill Eric Robert’s career, although his character did die a grisly death.

How can I claim that a movie about a half-shark half octopus is worth watching? It’s easy if you know what to look for.

No, but a girl in a bikini is a good guess.

Eric Roberts is having fun.

In fact, all of the actors in Sharktopus are having a good time. You can tell by the fact that they’re not retching every time they say their lines, as is the case with many SyFy films. I guess Declan O’Brien learned that the best way to up the palatability of his movies is to play up the camp; something he might have picked up from Roger Corman who has a small appearance in Sharktopus as a guy who doesn’t get eaten. He does something else in the movie that I forgot about since I looked at the cover art for this film; something about products or something. Anyway, Sharktopus clearly prefers to eat girls in skimpy bikinis.

Although on occasion Sharktopus will get busy with a boat.

Gotta say, my favorite part is when Sharktopus climbs out of the water on its tentacles to come after some people on the beach. I hear he’s Big in Japan, for some strange reason.

Don't worry! Sharktopus just wants to give you a big hug because your cameraman just got eaten by... um...

Watching Declan O’Brien redeem himself from his past terrible movie fills me with some sort of positive feeling. Not hope, because that’s too strong a word and has already been appropriated by modern politics... more like nostalgia. Now that I’m thinking about it John “is that gasoline I smell” Polito was in that other movie by O’Brien that I reviewed. And come to think of it, John “is that gasoline I smell” Polito was also in The Crow. So in the spirit of linking unrelated things I’m going to appropriate and parody a small poem that appeared in The Crow to wrap up this review.

Apparently it was originally from Paradise Lost by Milton, who is some writer or something. I dunno.

Avast the mushroom stood,

and saw how awesome foulness was,

and saw Virtue in a tentacled shark who ate people;

saw, and watched it again on his DVR.

Keep your eyes peeled for other "something" vs. "something" movies on Syfy. It looks like they’re trying to pick up the ToHo mantle.


I was going to add the official trailer at the end here, but this one's much better. I think cormaniac2010 clearly demonstrates that Sharktopus is just a misunderstood protector of the environment. With teeth. And tentacles.