Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Announcements and a Double Header Review

Announcements:

Welcome back Sporefans. I've got a couple of announcements to make and then we have not one, but two reviews. First off I have to tell all my loyal readers that I'm heading back to college to finish up my degree. While this means that my writing will improve and hopefully bring even more entertainment to my readers, it also means that I might miss a week or two here and there. Sorry Sporefans, but you don't pay me enough to make this my full time job.

Actually, you don't pay me at all.

Second announcement is the new tag line for the website. Check the top of the site to see our new slogan.

Third, I'm holding a contest. Its time to replace the Spored to Death logo under my profile. I'm holding an open contest to all my readers with artistic talent. Or crayons, I don't care. The contest is to design the new Spored to Death publishing logo. There are only a few criteria for this. It must be original artwork, it must have some sort of mushroom or fungus theme, and it would be preferable if it were somewhat cute. The winner will receive a "Minion" T-Shirt. The contest will run until I get a winner or, after no one enters I get off my butt and make a logo myself.

Which means you have lots of time.

And now for the big announcement. While there will be no review next week, the week between Christmas and New Years, the first review of January will be a MAJOR review. I've been holding out on you Sporefans for some time now. You see, I have a movie so vile, puerile and incredibly awful that even I cringe at the thought of watching it in its entirety.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the first Spored to Death Publishing review for 2007 will be "The Malibu Beach Vampires".

Don't miss this review Sporefans, as it will most undoubtedly leave me a broken and twisted shell of my former self, and as we all know: that's entertainment.

And now for this weeks reviews...


Aliens Gone Wild:


First up we have a little film called "Aliens Gone Wild". I ordered this little gem from our local cable company and paid my $5 to see what all the fuss was about. You've got to love On-Demand: they charge you $5, don't give you a preview, and you have to believe whatever they type in as an accurate description of the movie you're trying to order. Which means even if they're lying through their teeth you've already paid your $5. Now, I'm not saying that my cable company is run by a bunch of incompetent liars.

Wait a minute, that's exactly what I'm saying.

The movie led me to believe that I was ordering something of the caliber of a Naked Gun or Scary Movie picture: full of big name stars doing bit parts around a mediochre comedy. But what I actually got was a montage of clips of other movies which had been sewn together and slapped in a can. I'm sorry, but when I order a movie called "Aliens Gone Wild" I expect to see a bunch of drunk grey aliens lifting up their spacesuits and exposing their chests only to explode (or is it implode?) due to the dreaded vacuum of space. This movie lacked both alien boobs and explosions (implosions?) in deep space, so its a huge letdown in my book.

Also there was no plot in this movie, just the best of the worst movies ever produced by some movie company that I've probably never heard of and that probably never went anywhere. While I did find this "best of the worst" compilation entertaining, it was pretty disappointing when you consider what I thought I was getting. The list of stars even included Demi Moore and George Takei. I saw Demi Moore somewhere in a clip of the movie "Parasite" but George Takei was no where to be found. I refuse to believe that the one chubby Asian guy I saw piloting a giant robot scorpion was George Takei, no matter what was listed on the cable company's credits.















She went from this to doing "Ghost". Demi, what were you thinking? Why would you ever agree to be in "Ghost"? Why, Demi? WHY?!?!


On a side note, I should send Mr. Takei my copy of "Dark Heritage". He may appreciate it more than I do. You know what I mean.

Even more frustrating is the fact that because "Aliens Gone Wild" isn't a movie in the traditional sense, it has no listing on IMDB. So even if someone were entertained enough by a clip to seek out one of the movies they saw, they might not be able to find the full version of the film. Luckily the publishing staff and I were able to pick out some scenes from "Dollman" and the "Trancers" series. This lack of proper credentials really steams my Zoosporic flagellum! But rest assured Sporefans, that I will track down these movies, so I can present their rotten goodness to you all.

One particular clip stands out among the rest. One of the six movies in the "Trancers" series (the fourth movie I believe) takes place in an alternate reality that has not advanced past ye olde medieval times. The Main Character Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) has been transported to this reality to fight the evil "Trancers", who are life force stealing vampires from the future. Unfortunately Jack's ray gun has been damaged, leaving Jack defenseless against the sword wielding Trancers and their human lackeys.














Jack Deth smokes because smoking is cool. You'd smoke too if you did 5 of the 6 movies in the Transer series. Because that would make you cool.


In one of the final scenes of the movie, Jack finally gets his ray gun working and zaps the evil Count who sought to invade Jack's home dimension or some other such nonsense. The Count's son, who has joined the good guys arrives to watch his father... well... just kind of stand there and glow. Realising that this is the end, the son pleads "Forgive me father!" With his dying breath, the Count exclaims viciously "I have no son!".Then, using advanced graphical techniques developed in the era of "Bewitched", "I Dream of Genie" and "Star Trek", the Count suddenly disappears into oblivion, right after disowning his offspring.

I had to stop laughing because if I didn't I'd either have passed out or peed myself. This was the funniest thing's I've seen in years. So Trancer's definitely gets put on the "To Review" list here at Spored to Death Publishing.


House of Blood:

House of Blood is the latest film from director/writer/actor/special effects supervisor Olaf Ittenbach. When I first saw the name Olaf Ittenbach, I knew that it sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite place the name. Then I remembered that Olaf was the writer/director for the 2001 stinker "Legion of the Dead". If I've never mentioned Olaf Ittenbach before, there's probably a good reason. Here's a good reason: "Legion of the Dead" was painfully bad. I haven't reviewed Legion because I saw it well before I began doing my reviews, but rest assured that one day it will receive the thrashing it deserves.


Lets move on to slightly greener pastures. "House of Blood" is not all that bad. Its a movie about a group of convicts who escape from a prison transport when it collides with a car. The convicts take the driver as a hostage and soon discover that he is a doctor, which is fortunate because one of them was unlucky enough to take a bullet in the arm. They wander about the woods of Washington trying to cross the border into Canada when they happen upon a cabin. The cabin is occupied by a family of backwards folk who look like they belong in the fjords of Scandinavia or some such place. The convicts take over the cabin, brandishing the firearms that they pilfered from the transport, giving the doctor time to amputate the arm of the prisoner who was shot.

Then, everyone turns into vampires.

This story sounds very familiar to me, as if I've seen or heard it somewhere before. Oh, wait. I know! This is the plot of "From Dusk till Dawn" only it takes place on the Canadian-US border and not just past the US-Mexico border. Also, all the things that made "From Dusk till Dawn" cool are completely missing in the Ittenbach translation.

So after the doctor, our protagonist, escapes from the jaws of the bloodthirsty undead, he is captured by the police. The police decide to take the good doctor into custody as a murder suspect on a collection of evidence that an 8 year old child could refute in a court of law. It is at this point that B-movie legend Jurgen Prochnow enters as a hard nosed cop asking the doctor some tough questions. Jurgen delivers his lines like a pro, collects his check and exits stage left for greener pastures. Lets hope that Mr. Prochnow's check doesn't bounce.










Jurger Prochnow asks Christopher Kriesa some tough questions. Questions like, "Where's my money?" and "When's Olaf's check gonna clear?" I wouldn't wanna be Kriesa right now.


So this gets us about 40 or so minutes into the movie. But wait! This movie is scheduled to run for 90 minutes! How will the writer/director/actor/whatever fill the remainder of the movie? What could he possibly do that will keep the audience entertained? What could possibly top the vampire attack sequence?

Are you stumped?

Well, I think that Olaf sure was stumped because he puts the good doctor in jail, which gets him on a prison transport on the exact same route as the first one and the whole movie happens all over again. New convicts, new injury (shot to the groin), same old plot.

Now a good circular plot isn't a bad thing. Its a nice way to leave the audience with a feeling that even though everything is all wrapped up the story will continue after the end of the movie. However, the idea behind a circular plot is that because the audience knows the story already, they don't need to sit through it a second time. Olaf! Learn to pad out your script!

This movie wasn't an atrocious piece of crap like Legion of the Dead; and it might be interesting to see how Olaf evolves as a writer/director/monkey/evil henchman of the dread-knuckled Uwe Boll, but the problems in this movie should have been ironed out in pre-production. Like in the script writing phase. This is what happens when you edit your own work.










Remember when Jurger Prochnow played "Captain Kirk" on the big screen? No? What's the matter with you? Go see "House of the Dead", or Uwe Boll will beat you up!


Did I mention that Mrs. Ittenback plays the lead female vampire trying to convert the vampires into non-human blood drinking vampires? What a nice rack. I mean Lady! Yeah, that's what I meant. A nice lady... who tries to get the vampires to only drink the blood of animals. Its like the vampire version of veganism, only with blood.

House of Blood is definitely a step up for the Ittenbach family. Lets hope that whatever movie Olaf decides to rip off next is as improved as this movie was over Legion of the Dead.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Dark Heritage

Welcome back, Sporefans. Today we have another exciting review in store for you. This week we'll be taking a look at the movie "Dark Heritage". This 1989 stinker comes all the way from Louisiana and let me tell you, there's no shortage of stink here. To start off, after I popped this movie into my DVD player I was treated to the sight of a pop-up screen before the main title which informed me that I was about to watch a movie entitled "DRAK Heritage". Confused, I looked at the box for the DVD and then back at the screen. Sure enough, the box said "Dark Heritage" and the screen displayed "Drak Heritage". A moment later, the chapter menu appeared and the title was corrected, but I knew that this was the sign of a great movie review.











Drak Heritage.


This movie is full of conflict, and what I mean to say by that is that this movie is conflicted. In fact, the title screen is the least conflicted part of this movie. There are several conflicts going on in this movie, such as Man vs. Authority, Man vs. Monsters and Man vs. his own repressed homosexual urges. Lots and lots of repressed homosexual urges.

After the introductory murders of a couple of bit players, the movie attempts to introduce Clint, who is a reporter sent to investigate the gruesome killings. Clint's employer, a creepy newspaper editor in a bad 70's suit and sunglasses has Clint pick up two guys who also work at the newspaper and drive out to an old mansion that local legends say are connected to the killings. Clint and the guys are ordered to take some time out there at the mansion and "see what happens". I'd like to provide names for these characters, but the sound quality was so bad I could hardly understand what was going on. For the sake of clarification, lets just call them "big gay guy" and "little gay guy with a mustache".

So the three amigos set off in a car older than God and drive out to the mansion. On the way, they have themselves a conversation about what they might encounter out in the spooky house. All the talk of the recent creepy events prompts little gay guy with a mustache to pull a magnum out of his pants.

The gun kind, not the condom kind.

We are thus supplied with our first phallic image of the movie, and there are a great many more to come. After the three amigos set up their video camera to "catch the exploits", Clint and the big gay guy take a nap (separately) while mustachio man watches them sleep. Eventually mustache man gets sleepy, and he wakes up the big gay guy to ask him to take over guard duty. Mustache guy tries to convince the big guy to "take his gun", but the big guy insists that the tiny little switchblade (phallic image # 2) he has in his pocket is enough protection. After a brief lover's quarrel, the big guy takes the gun, proving that he is the woman of this relationship.










Is this old man Dansen, or that muppet Waldorf? I can't tell.


Clint wakes up to find the dynamic duo missing during a fierce lightning storm. When it becomes apparent that they aren't off spending some "quality time" together, Clint decides to go back home with the video tape of the night's events.

Cut to Clint in a meeting with his creepy newspaper editor/father figure who tells Clint to forget the whole thing and take 3 weeks off with pay. What a nice man, I wonder if he has some ulterior motives.

After that, Clint decides to watch the videotape in the privacy of his own home. We are treated to a scene with Clint rewinding and re-watching the tape over and over as the big gay guy is knocked down and dragged off camera by some unseen force. It should be noted that only one of Clint's hands are visible during this entire scene.

Then Clint decides to go hang out a the local library. While reading a book about "this old house" (now kind of known to the viewers as the Dansen place), a couple of guys walk over and one of them proceeds to stand close behind Clint while reading over his shoulder in a most inapropriate way. After a brief argument, the two guys introduce themselves as paranormal investigators. Again, there's one with a beard and one with a polo shirt.

How about using a microphone other than the one attached to the camera, guys? Seriously, there's almost no understandable dialogue in the whole movie!

After discussing all the rumors and details of the old Dansen place, Clint and the new dynamic duo decide that the only logical thing to do... is completely ignore the house that they've been studying and investigate the campsite where the murders at the beginning of the movie took place. With flawless logic guiding them, the new super-friends hunt about the campgrounds. They find some fascinating clues, among them: a small pile of dirt with a small impression in the middle of it, and abandoned camper, and some rocks and sticks and other such crap that no one wanted.

This is the first time the movie reveals one of its primary means of plot development. Sometimes a character will suddenly pull a vital piece of information out from between their buttocks, for no apparent reason. This is usually reserved for important information that would have a major impact on the plot, but the writers have forgotten to mention for some reason.

Perhaps early senility is a problem in Louisiana.

As the team investigates the campgrounds, one of the paranormal guys says, "Hey, don't all the attacks occur during lightning storms? I think they do!", and the other one says, "Hey look! There's a storm blowing in! We'd better take cover in that camper!". The storm isn't the only thing that blows in this movie, as many more important plot points materialize out of some very bad dialogue. And when I say bad dialogue, I mean angsty teenage girl writing a fan-fic for Beverly Hills 90210 because she totally thinks that by expressing her feelings in writing Luke Perry will totally come to her and fall in love- bad.

The storm hits and the trio takes up temporary residence in the camper. In a scene so predictable that even its comical value is lost, polo guy peers out of the camper door during the storm and has his face ripped off. Somehow, despite all logic pointing to the contrary, Clint convinces bearded gay guy to bury his dead friend in a shallow grave in the middle of the woods. What a nice friend!

Now the reason I've explained so much of the plot is so that I could go over the dream sequence. Yes, there is a very, very, very gay dream sequence right in the middle of this movie. In the dream, Clint walks into the old Dansen place and finds his friends wandering around, all of whom appear dead. While the make up artist probably intended for Clint's friends to appear dead, the actual result is that the guys look like they are wearing way too much mascara and lip stick which makes them even more gay than when they were alive. In the dream big dead gay guy, little dead gay guy with a mustache and gay guy in a polo shirt now without a face all gang up on Clint and "get" him, making him wake up in a cold sweat.

As the movie progresses, bearded gay guy and Clint have a few lover's spats and finally decide that the best way to solve the mystery is to do some grave robbing. They find the old abandoned Dansen cemetery and dig one of the graves up to find, take a guess, an empty coffin. Under the coffin is a tunnel. After some more arguing, the guys decide to crawl into the tunnel and see where it leads (although even they mention that the tunnel probably leads directly to the old Dansen place). At first, the viewer might be concerned that our two on-screen buddies are about to crawl into an ill designed hole in the middle of the woods. But after about 5 seconds you'll notice that the "tunnel" is very obviously constructed of chicken wire and brown paper mache.

After crawling around the tunnel like a couple of hamsters, these two lost boys encounter one of the creatures. In probably the only redeeming shot in the movie, the creature remains just at the edge of the range of the flashlight, so that only it glowing eyes and fangs are visible. This is when bearded gay guy produces yet another phallic symbol from his backpack, a Desert Eagle. Of course, no one actually shoots at the monster because this movie couldn't obtain a fire arms permit. They wave the gun menacingly for a few seconds before the monster escapes.

Eventually, after spending a night huddled together "for warmth", the ambiguously gay duo find themselves back at the old Dansen place. Another lightning storm forces them to hide under the sheets that protect the furniture from dust. The monsters emerge from a door in the ground and run about the mansion like a bunch of monkeys on crack. One glance reveals that the monsters are simply wearing the same full black body-suits that the nihilists are wearing int he dream sequence from "The Big Lebowski" topped off with some dime store ghoul masks.The makeshift furniture forts that conceal the heroes prove not to be monster proof however, and bearded gay guy is eaten alive.

In the movies most anti-climactic climax, Clint confront's his boss, who is a decended from the Dansen family and has been covering up their dirty little secret. The creepy boss man tells Clint that "he's always liked Clint" and begs him to drop this story, but ultimately they wind up in a farcical fight. Both men draw guns, and when the only gunshot in the entire movie is fired, its accomplished be recording the sound of a phone book being dropped onto a table and played back while a close up shot of Clint's face is on screen. Both men stare at each other until creepy boss man hits the floor. Clint turns to see the creepy boss man's wife, who "always suspected that there was something wrong with her husband". It was she who fired the fatal shot, bringing an end 94 god-awful minutes of pain and anguish.

While the credits roll, you might suddenly become aware that during the entire film there were only 5 women on screen. There was one in the camper with her boyfriend who gets killed, a librarian with no speaking lines, two extras who are seen only in a distant shot outside the library and the creepy editors wife. These five women together only have about 4-5 minutes of screen time. The remaining 90 minutes of this movie are a total sausage fest. Couple that with the obvious couples spats that occur between the all male cast and you can't deny that Dark Heritage not only has issues, but that this movie might be better off staying in the closet, never again seeing the light of day.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

G-Men from Hell

I get a lot of people who ask me "Why do you watch these movies?". I think that I need to stop telling people what I do with my spare time. If I wasn't an asexual fungus, I might be concerned that I'd frighten away most members of the opposite sex. Its a good thing that I only need to spread a bunch of spores and hope they find the right amount of humidity and a nice dark place to fester!

Well, I'd like to address this question as I begin this next review. You see, Sporefans, every bad little movie I watch is a small piece of entertainment that got made despite the fact that the creators never had a big Hollywood budget, or professional actors, or a studio, equipment, talent, etc., etc... But through perseverance and hard work, and probably through a few deeds better left unmentioned, someone has the drive to push their project though against all odds, only to have the fruit of their labor wind up on the back of the discount movie rack. Now in most cases, this is exactly where a movie belongs, because its a piece of crap. But every once in a while you find a real diamond amidst all the poop.

Now for the last few reviews I've taken it easy by reviewing some of the great Kaiju films of my youth, which is probably how I wound up doing movie reviews in the first place. But this week's all new review is right off the $3.99 shelf from the local Walgreen's. Little did I know that what I held in my hands was a complicated nexus of the B-movie world which seems to have seeped down from the streets of Hollywood through the cracks of time until it came to its final resting place.

On my movie shelf nestled between "Beast of the Yucca flats" and "Rocky Jones, Space Ranger beyond the Moon".















I speak, of course, of the movie from the year 2000 that almost no one has heard of, much less seen; Michael Allred's "G-Men from Hell". This movie is a veritable web of "Hey I know that guy from somewhere" as almost every member of the cast has had a part in a major work in their career. Lets start with William Forsythe as Dean Crept and Tate Donovan as Mike Mattress, the two G-Men in question. Forsythe has had a steady career since the 1980's and Donovan was not only the voice of Disney's "Hercules", but was also in the recent Academy award nominated movie "Good Night and Good Luck".

But wait! There's more!

Not only does this movie sport Forsythe and Donovan as the main characters, it also boasts Gary Busey as, and I quote, "...a sadistic leather master homosexual..."cop, and Robert Goulet as the devil himself. These men are household names, so I don't need to point out the large body of works that each of them has. Busey alone is a complicated nexus of the B-movie world. In a parallel universe people are playing the six degrees of separation game with Gary Busey instead of Kevin Bacon.











A new look for Busey.











Robert Goulet is very disappointed that you didn't see this movie.


Not enough cheese for you? Well there's also Kari Wuhrer as Marete, the G-Men's new and enthusiastic secretary. You may recognize Wuhrer from her role from TV's "Sliders", or as the spider squishing sheriff from the movie "Eight legged freaks". There's also Vanessa Angel as Gloria Lake, the ditzy wife of aging millionaire Greydon Lake (Barry Newman). You might have seen Ms. Angel in some of here more famous movies produced on the Sci-Fi channel, like "Sabertooth", "Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys", and also from the 1996 bowling comedy "Kingpin".
















Mrs. Gloria Lake does... um... stuff...
...
Yeah...
...


Still want some more stars? Well how about Bob "Bobcat" Goldthwait as a petty drug dealer named "Buster" who winds up getting himself shot to death by the G-Men, only to be re-incarnated in the body of a giant pink (well, reddish actually) robot. Comedian Paul Rodriguez also gets some screen time as "Weenie Man", an inept demon sent to Earth to retrieve the G-Men. And how about that Dr. Boifford? Doesn't he look exactly like the Big Lebowski from the movie "The Big Lebowski"? Well that's because he is the Big Lebowski, Lebowski.












No you damn puppet, I'm the big Lebowski!


Now let me show you what happens when you SPORE a stranger in the ass.

Oh, and I saved the best for last. Did I mention that this movie was directed by a Coppola? Yes, Christopher Coppala, nephew of the famous Francis-Ford Coppola and brother of Nicholas Cage. Of course, that means that his cousin was Sofia Coppola, whose movie "Lost in Translation" loses something in translation.











If you don't come back to Hell with me, the devil will make me watch "Lost in Translation" for 10,000 years. Its so UNRESOLVED!!!


Now with all this star power behind it, you'd have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with this movie to wind up on the $3.99 rack. That either the production quality was so bad or the script was so terrible that nothing could save this movie. But as you watch G-Men from Hell, you begin to realize that the script, while cheesy, isn't bad. There are no lines that leave you writhing in pain and no huge, out of paradigm plot holes, just a fun but over the top movie.

The production values are cheap, but there's nothing here that you wouldn't see in an old Roger Corman picture. Sure, hell is a sound stage in Hollywood, but who's to say Hell really isn't a sound stage in Hollywood. You know that Satan: full of irony!










Cheetah man gets a helping hand from an off screen grip. Either that or he's being felt up. Haha, felt get it?
.... (sigh) No love.

In fact, one of the moments that really impressed me about G-Men from Hell was when I realized that the movie not only had a coherent timeline that progressed over the course of 46 hours (48 hours was already taken), but instead of trying to force the time of day in some scenes with blue filters, the crew actually went out at 4-5am in California and shot in the wii hours of the dawn. Pretty impressive when you take into account that setup for those scenes could have started as early as 11 or 12 o'clock the night before.

G-Men from Hell is a movie that could become a cult classic. If you can find a copy out there, be sure to create a cult. Just don't drink the Kool-Aid.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Thanksgiving review: Rodan

Happy Thanksgiving Sporefans! This week's review is special, as I've picked a movie that goes well with the Thanksgiving holiday. Its a movie that really captures what Thanksgiving is all about: roasting a giant bird. That's why this week's movie is the 1956 Kaiju classic "Rodan". Lets take some time to look at this classic through a Thanksgiving tinted lens and try to find that spirit of Thanksgiving feeling, which is all about eating too much and falling asleep in front of the TV.




















The movie starts with a montage of stock footage which points to the evil of Nuclear (or Nukular) weapons and the love/hate relationship that we Americans have with them. It presents an ill omen, warning the viewer that Mother Nature may strike back at us for attacking her with these forbidden weapons.

Cut to a coal mine.

Yes, its not the American lust for nuclear power that sets this plot in motion, but the lust of the simple village people of Kitamatsu for coal which brings the monster's ire to bear. Yes, the people of Kitamatsu's contemptible lust for coal, which they use to keep their houses warm in the winter and earn money to feed their families in the cold of Winter that earns them the wrath of giant monsters. Oh, when will humanity learn that it should be content to burn bits of gathered dead wood outside a small cave while wearing the skins of small dead animals? It is our hubris which is our downfall! Hubris!!

All that aside, two coal miners get into a fist fight outside the mine. Tensions rise as they all fear a new mine shaft that goes deeper than they have ever dug before. It appears that in this specific mine shaft there exists a "creeping floor". No Sporefans, a creeping floor isn't another movie that I have lined up to review, but it refers to something better known as a downhill creep when soil and debris slowly falls down an incline.

But if any of you know where to get a movie about a floor that creeps up and eats people, I would definitely review it.

Later that day during an emergency, the two miners who fought disappear. When one of the miners turns up dead from horrible wounds, the second miner Goro (played by Rinsaku Ogata) is branded as the suspected murderer. Goro's sister Kiyo (Yumi Shirakawa) is crushed when the townspeople brand Goro a murderer. But don't worry Sporefans, I'm sure she'll feel much better after Goro's body is discovered in the mine crushed under a pile of rocks that fell during the initial catastrophe, subsequently clearing his name.

This is further substantiated by the release of the book "If I ate them" by flea/crab monster number 712.















Flea/crab monster 712 interrupts a tender moment between Kiyo and Shigeru.


Soon, Shigeru Kawamura (played by Kenji Sahara) the leading man and safety engineer gets trapped in the mine, and tries to avoid being eaten but flea/crab monsters numbers 1-711 and numbers 713-1,294. This is made much easier as a large winged creature hatches from an egg and begins to eat the flea/crab monsters. But as you may have already guessed by the fact that the title of the movie isn't "flea/crab monsters that attacked Kitamatsu" that the winged creature escapes and creates havoc around the world. What's more is that there's a pair of them, a male and a female... I think... that they might procreate and take over the world.

How exactly does one check the gender of a Rodan monster?

At this point, Rodan begins to differ from most Kaiju movies of its time. In most Kaiju movies, the monsters attack the cities of man, and casualties result from the destruction of the buildings and vehicles of man. The deaths are indirect, and though the monsters are blamed for them its not portrayed as if the monsters were out specifically to kill people, but only do so as they punish man by destroying his creations.

In Rodan, the monsters actually eat people. The human element shifts from beings who were at the top of the evolutionary ladder who are punished for their hubris, to being knocked down a rung on the food chain. Instead of our works being destroyed, we become the targets of the Rodan's attacks because we are their food supply.















Rodan decides to have Japanese for lunch.


Well, us and cows. Dolphins. Whales. Horses. Sheep. Actually, they'll pretty much eat anything they can get their beaks around.

Then the Japanese Self Defence Force hatches (pun definitely intended) a brilliant and tasty plan. Because the Rodan's nest in the crater of a dormant volcano, the JSDF intends to blow up the crater with cannons and ballistic missiles, trapping the Rodans under tons of rock. Shigeru points out that the missiles might have the opposite effect, re-activating the dormant volcano. Instead of finding a new plan, the hungry JSDF general (Hideo Mihara) orders the evacuation of Kitamatsu so that he can roast the tasty Rodans over the warm coals of Mount Aso.















Too much lighter fluid will make your giant bird into Cajun food.


The plan proceeds after the evacuation of Kitamatsu, as the JSDF bombard the crater atop Mount Aso, reactivating the once dormant volcano. As the Rodans try to make their escape, one of them falls victim to the intense heat and fumes generated by the volcano. It falls into a river of molten lava and bursts into flames. The other Rodan circles above, crying out to its fallen mate until either out of despair or because the fumes made it totally high dude, it voluntarily plummets on top of the first Rodan and burns as well.















Dinner is ruined.


Unfortunately for the JSDF, they didn't count of the Rodans bursting into flames. As such, the JSDF was unable to insert the giant probe thermometers to make sure that the Rodans reached the required internal temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit. Thus the Rodans burned to a crisp and were inedible, and the premiere of Japanese Thanksgiving was ruined. But Americans as well as Japanese can still celebrate the day the Rodans burned, by burning turkeys every year, making them into inedible smoking piles or char. And why not give thanks, for if there's one thing we should all be thankful for, its not being eaten by giant birds from the sky.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Godzilla's Revenge

Another exiting review of Kaiju action awaits you here Sporefans. Today's fantastic movie is one that I remember back from when I was a wee spore traveling on motes of dust before the right combination of moisture and humidity allowed me to bloom into the slimy mass that you have all come to know and love. Yes, strap on your way back machines and dial all the way back to 1969 because today's film is none other than "Godzilla's Revenge"!



















Godzilla is back for revenge for... uh...


For those of you who have never seen Godzilla's Revenge, its one of the Showa series of Godzilla movies and was released with the specific purpose of appealing to small children. The movie revolves around Ichiro Miki, an elementary school student who spends most of his time daydreaming about monster island... that is, when he's not getting the snot kicked out of him at school.











"Remember Ichiro, you can never tell your friends about me, or I'll have to kill them. Uh-yup!"


Ichiro gets away with his idolatry because his parents both work to support him and can't spend much time with him. Looks like being poor hasn't changed much in the last 40 years. Because they both spend so much time working, they enlist a toymaker by the name of Shinpei Inami who lives nearby to keep an eye on Ichiro.

He, uh, works out of the home.

You might recognize Shinpei, because he's played by Eisei Amamoto, better known to you Sporefans as "Dr. Who" in "King Kong Escapes". Luckily, Eisei doesn't get as many close ups in this movie, so you don't get to see how bad Toho's dental plan is. This guy's lower jaw makes Chris Benoit's teeth look good by comparison.















Shinpei: Remember to floss Ichiro, or you'll wind up looking like this.
Ichiro: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, HOW DO YOU CHEW?!?!


As the movie continues, Ichiro uses a contraption made of vacuum tubes and bits of wire and circuitry as his "radio" to monster island, where he speaks to Minya (or Minilla), better known to Americans as "baby Godzilla". The two commiserate on such things as how they both get the snot beat out of them by bullies, and by a sheer act of coincidence, the bullies seem to have the same name: Gabara.

Of course there are some key differences between the two Gabaras. One is a mean elementary school student who bullies Ichiro. The other Gabara is a 170 meter tall green dog looking monster standing on its hind legs with a bright red mohawk and sounds like a giraffe giving its mating call while being put through a blender.

Other than that, they're identical.















Gabara prepares to take Ichiro's lunch money, or crush Minilla, I forget which.


Things seem to be progressing well for Ichiro as he shambles through his life drifting in and out of his dream world while playing in piles of rubble and collecting bits of wire and broken electronics to upgrade his "radio". That is until one day when Ichiro is shifting through a pile of other people's discarded crap, he finds a small card. With his attachment to reality already tenous at best, Ichiro believes that he has found a credit card and can use it to purchase wonderful, wonderful toys. Unfortunately, the card is actually the driver's liscense of a local bank robber, who believes that this small piece of circumstancial evidence will lead the cops right to their hideout.

Man, he should really watch more "Law and Order".

So begins the quest of the bank robbers to recover the stolen driver's liscense, kidnap Ichiro and continue to be the best darn bad guys they can be. Which is pretty sad, actually.















Ichiro: Look at me! I'm just like Godzilla!
Bank Robber: Hey kid, you remember that gun I have...


All things considered, this is a wonderful Kaiju movie full of giant monster fighting. Fans who are waiting for the giant monsters to ravage Tokyo will be disappointed, however, as most of the monster fighting takes place on monster island. Well, actually, in Ichiro's head, but you get the idea. There are a lot of monsters making cameo appearances in this movie, like Gorosaurus, Manda, Kamakiras and Kumonga.

Keep in mind that this movie is aimed at children. If you're expecting a great plot with well developed characters, you're out of luck. But then again, why would you be watching movies like this one for the plot? Sadly, there's no one as interesting as Madame X or Dr. Who in this movie, just a couple of Japanese bank robbers and a small bully.

If you're a Godzilla fan from way back when, then you'll love this movie purely for its nostalgia value. If you're not a Godzilla fan, then you probably won't get this movie.

Unless you're between the ages of 5 and 8, in which case you'll totally love this movie, and you shouldn't be reading my reviews.

Shame on you, I'm telling your parents. I bet they'll be mad.

Blogger Beta Recent Comments in sidebar

For anyone who wants to know how to put a "recent comments" section in your sidebar, check out the instructions I found here.

Basically you create a page element of the "feed" type with a feed to the comments of your own blog. It sounds incredibly hard, but its super easy. Thanks to the guys over at Hackosphere for this tip.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

King Kong Escapes

KAIJU! Big monsters! Yes, due to a recent influx of giant monster movies into my collection, the next few reviews will deal with giant monster battles! This week's review is "King Kong Escapes", a 1967 film by the legendary Ishiro Honda. Many will recognize Honda as the man behind the original movie "Godzilla: King of the Monsters" and most of the movies in the Showa series of Godzilla (second place for director of most Showa series movies goes to Jun Fukuda, I believe).






Kwality movies.
















Fans of Kaiju will note that Kong has been scaled back from his last movie where he battled Godzilla. This version of Kong is closer to his original size at 60 ft. in height. Kong had to get pumped up, probably with a bunch of monkey roids, to deal with Godzilla's immense 150ft. stature. Also at 60 ft. tall is the new MechaKong, the monkey version of Mechagodzilla, but with no lasers or missiles which makes him kind of lame by comparison.

For a Kaiju movie, this isn't so bad. If you're not a fan of Kaiju though, get ready for a bumpy ride over this rough plot. I won't ruin the whole thing for you, but here's a brief outline of what you can expect.

The evil Dr. Who, (no not the tardis Dr. Who, the other one) creates the MechaKong, so that he can mine Element X at the North pole. Apparently a horde of elves with jolly little shoes aren't manly enough to dig this incredibly radioactive material out of the ice, so the good doctor, played by the rotten toothed Eisei Amamoto, decided what he needed was a 60 ft. tall robotic monkey. Yeah, that's always how I do my mining on the North Pole. With a giant metal monkey... on ice.
















Dr. Who and Madame X contemplate their glorious and prosperous future after this movie.


The doctor is not alone in his pursuit of Element X, as his "research" is funded by the mysterious Madame Piranha, or Madame X depending on what version you're watching. Madame X, played by Mie Hama, has two amazing powers that she uses throughout the movie. The first is the ability to turn Dr. Who into a snivelling pile of pseudo-scientific snot by threatening to cut his funding. The second is the ability to change her clothing after every freakin' scene in the movie. Madame X is rarely in the same costume twice when she's on screen. Apparently the mysterious country that Madame X represents gave her a budget that afforded her great clothing but she would have to buy surplus and defective parts for her giant monkey robot.

When the Mecha monkey fails because someone forgot to shield the circuits from electromagnetic waves, Madame X and Dr. Who hatch a plot to use the real Kong to dig up Element X. Unfortunately for Kong, he's recently encountered his only weakness: blondes. Kong has a run in with Lieutenant Susan Watson, a crew member on a U.N. submarine, along with her two flunkies Commander Carl Nelson and Lt. Commander Jiro Nomura. Once smitten, Kong pretty much does whatever Watson tells him to, making Watson the number one commodity in this movie.
















Hey baby, you look like Kong bait to me!


If you're looking for a movie with a few great Kaiju battles, this one does have a couple. The Kong suit is noticably flawed, as the eyes and mouth have very little mobility when compared to some of the other monsters. Even MechaKong looks better by comparison, despite not having eyelids... or even eyes. Its really bad when the Gorosaurus suit, which looks like an old man version of Godzilla comes out looking better than your lead monster.

















"I used to be an extra for Godzilla, but look at me now! I got my own role in a movie!" -Gorosaurus, 1967.


The models are all on par with the usual detail that Toho puts into its Kaiju movies. Every little tank and boat looks great, with all the painstaking detail that an anal-retentive Japanese model maker can muster. Most of the detail work usually gets destroyed in about 2 seconds, but Kong Escapes has an unusually low amount of property destruction, most of which occurs to the Tokyo Tower.

















Kong's face isn't just frozen because this is a picture. This is pretty much his entire range of physical expression. Can't even open his mouth to complain.


If you've got some time to kill and love giant monsters, King Kong will satisfy all but the most rabid of Kaiju fans. Even if you don't like Kaiju monsters, the great plot and original characters...

Umm... Hmm...

Well anyway, King Kong escapes is a fun movie. Watching it is entertaining, even if its for all the wrong reasons.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

House IV: The Repossession

OK, so enough with the zombies. I'm all zombied out right now. Time to move on to something different. So this week, we're changing gears and going with the haunted house motif. What should I review? Lets see… There's "The Amityville Horror"…. Nah, budget's too big. There's "The House on Haunted Hill"… no, too classy. We need something a little more terrible. Something more along the lines of what you Sporefans would expect.

Lets review "House 4" also known as "House 4: The Repossession" in England! That's a great movie!







Stop Crying.










In 1992, Lewis Abernathy decided to subject viewers to another installment in the "House" movie series, and I don't mean the one with Hugh Laurie as a doctor. No, I'm talking about a series of movies that started in 1986 which was about a house where every door opened into another dimension. Its of the quality that you would expect having Lewis Abernathy, the author and main screenwriter of "Deep Star Six" at the helm of this picture.

House 4 takes place in a house in the middle of nowhere. Seriously, it appears that someone constructed a run down house somewhere in the middle of the Mojave. This is incredibly strange as William Katt (whom some of you may recognize as "The Greatest American Hero") reprises his role from the first movie; where he moves into his aunt's haunted house where his son had disappeared a few years before. In this movie Roger Cobb (Katt) takes his family to visit his father's old house, which is also apparently haunted. The movie starts with Roger and his new family leaving the haunted house and telling his step-brother Burke that the house is not up for sale.

Now, you've got to ask yourself "Why are they leaving the creepy old house in the beginning of the movie?" Well, the great part of playing Roger Cobb is that you only have to be in the first 15 minutes of this stinker. Then you die in a horrible car accident that results in your charred corpse being taken off life support. Unfortunately even though this movie dies pretty quickly, no one took it off life support.

So where do we go from here? The movie continues on in the hands of Terri Treas as Roger's wife Kelly, and Melissa Clayton as Roger's now crippled daughter Laurel. Laurel in particular seems strangely positive and chipper after losing her father, her old home and her ability to walk. Add in Denny Dillion, who's probably the most recognizable star in this sad flick as the house keeper/undercover FBI agent and prepare to tape your eyes open while you watch a movie that nose dives from the plateau of mildly entertaining to the hard, rocky plains of disappointment.

Yes, if you're looking for horror, this is not your movie. Sure there's a scene with Kelly Cobb (Terri Treas) taking a shower with the water turning into blood. Unfortunately about the best this movie has to offer is a pizza attacking Kelly before dinner. Yes, a killer pizza is the most frightening moment in this movie and only because of the involvement of a kitchen garbage disposal.

The ridiculous sub plot in this movie involves Burke (played by Scott Burkeholder) trying to buy the house for the local chemical factory so that they can tear it down and bury chemical waste where it once stood. Add in one Native American (Ned Romero), cut one small onion and get him to shed one small tear and you've got yourself a genuine 1980's pro environmental theme. Yay for clearly defined roles of good and evil! You even have Mark Gash portraying the stereotypically toxic antagonist "Mr. Grosso" pressuring Burke to close the deal with his "oozes". Looks like Seth Green isn't the only fan of "Captain Planet".

Stay far away from this movie, Sporefans. Even if you enjoyed the other movies in the House series, this is definitely one to steer clear of.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Post Party Post 06

Much to my amazement, the movies at this year's Halloween party were... good. I mean, mainstream good movies. As we only watched 2 movies that night, lets put them up against each other in a head to head and see which one you Spored to Death fans think is the scarier movie.

First up is Silent Hill. Directed by Christophe Gans, this film is quite possibly the best adaptation of a video game into a movie I've ever seen. Considering some of the competition it doesn't seem that hard to be the best, but this movie pretty much blows away most of the other video game movies I've ever seen. Sorry Uwe, looks like Christophe done knocked you out.















What's causing this reaction? Is it some horrible monster? Or a naked man eating a ham sandwich and writing movie review.



In the other corner we have 28 Days Later. While Silent Hill is all about atmosphere and horrifying monsters that come to get you (albeit very, very slowly), 28 Days Later is up front and in your face with its Zomb... I mean, infected people. The infected run straight after the
characters, and usually quickly. The atmosphere of 28 Days Later isn't quite as creepy as the town of Silent Hill, but what it lacks in setting, it makes up for with scenes of shocking violence.






















"I don't get it. All I did was ask him for a light."


So what will it be Spore fans? Which of these movies is scarier? Will it be the creepy and occasionally violent Silent Hill? Or do you prefer a bit of the old Ultraviolence in 28 Days Later?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Vacation

Sorry Spore fans, but we are on vacation for two weeks. So no review this week. Instead, have a peek at my latest addiction: The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion.







Ooooooh. Pretty.













Sticking with my recent theme, have a zombie.








Next week we'll have a few short reviews on the movies featured at our annual Halloween party. It should be a "unique" experience.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Zombie Honeymoon

"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage,that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam..." (The Impressive Clergyman from "The Princess Bride"). And yes, mawage er, I mean marriage is the focal point of today's review, because today we're reviewing "Zombie Honeymoon".









To be honest, I was as surprised by the quality of this film as I was with the outcome of "Hood of the Living Dead". But where Hood was a total disappointment, Zombie Honeymoon was unexpectedly good. This was even more surprising given that Honeymoon was a Showtime production. After looking over the back cover of the DVD and seeing the "Showtime" label, I expected 83 minutes bad plot focusing on putting as much nudity and gore on screen as possible. Not that there's anything wrong with nudity and gore, but a good plot helps keep a movie together. And while there is some nudity and lots of gore, it doesn't detract from the fact that this movie is in fact, a tale of love.

With zombies.




The newlyweds, Danny and Denise. Don't they look like nice people?






This movie brought up several questions with the Spored to Death viewing audience. I do have a "staff" of sorts. Mostly these are the people I subject these bad movies to on a regular basis. You, the proud and tortured few, have the right to be part of the Spored to Death publishing experience. Also, consider yourselves permanent interns, as I have no way to pay any of you. Although, on second thought, the word "intern" has such ugly implications. I much prefer a different, though less politically correct term.

Think of yourselves as "minions".

The most prominent question of the night posed by my minions was this: If you were just married and your husband was attacked by a zombie and developed an insatiable craving for human flesh, would you stand by your man? According to this movie, yes, you would. Also of note are the following questions:

If you are attacked by a zombie and are turning, would you be able to avoid eating your wife because of the strong bonds of love that you feel for her?

Do vegan's make good zombies?

Can a zombie vegan still get sick from eating a steak?




For the record, vegan zombies who eat a cooked steak do still get sick. And it ain't pretty.





Can you do the horizontal mambo with a zombie husband?

Can a zombie who's turning cover up their newly acquired eating habits?





Caught red handed.






Can you ever really hide anything from your wife? Like that flesh eating addiction you're trying to deal with.




"Honey, I think I may have a problem."




So as you may have guessed, our young couple Danny and Denise who are played by Graham Sibley and Tracy Coogan, run into a bit of zombie trouble on their honeymoon. Once Danny has unwillingly ingested the goopy blood of the undead, he dies and suddenly comes back to life. That'll teach a young couple not to lie on a beach in New Jersey while minding their own business!






Never sleep on the beach in New Jersey. You'd know that if you weren't too busy sunning yourself on "The O.C."







The movie goes on as Danny slowly learns that he may have an eating addiction. It seems he can't stop his insatiable hunger for human flesh. Danny and Denise try to plan on having a normal life, or at least getting through the honeymoon before Danny goes to pieces, but things always seem to go awry when the walking dead are involved.





Danny experiences withdrawal symptoms.






Denise contemplates counseling, while Danny contemplates what a marriage councilor tastes like.



In the end, Zombie Honeymoon is a surprisingly good take on the zombie genre. It presents a few interesting twists on an old concept. As Danny changes, he manages to keep most of his humanity throughout the movie, but in the end is overcome by the zombie in him. The movie also presents Danny's flesh eating in a way that alludes to someone with a drug problem. The movie does have a few touching moments as Danny battles his addiction, but these moments are usually covered in gore and slime, so they're hard to spot amidst all the other scenes full of gore and slime.

Even though you know before the movie starts that things are going to end badly, you almost feel bad for Danny and Denise as they inevitably fall from being happy newlyweds to a single gore soaked survivor weeping next to a pile of gooey body parts. Which brings us to the last and probably most pertinent question this movie has to offer.

Who the hell goes on their honeymoon in New Jersey?"

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Hood of the Living Dead

Zombies are, without a doubt, one of the most frequently used antagonists in horror movie history. Because of the versatility of the zombie horde, there are almost an infinite number of possibilities when it comes to creating the setup for a zombie movie. Zombies in England. Zombies in a logging camp. Zombies in space (hmmm… looks like a good candidate for a future review). And now, zombies in the hood.

Sort of.

You see, while “Hood of the Living Dead” is set in Oakland, California; it was most definitely not shot in Oakland, California. The most likely reason would be that shooting in Oakland would result in a shooting in Oakland. Unfortunately, the makers of “Hood” didn’t really try to mask their location change, which results in about half of the flaws that this movie has. The other half of the flaws can be blamed on the actors in this sad little satire, who appear to have had one acting class between the lot of them.

Lets take a look at a few of the revealing mistakes in "Hood of the Zombies".
















What a nice, well manicured lawn you have there neighbor. The rose bushes in the front are a nice touch.

















Grieving over the death of his brother, Ricky pours himself a drink, but what's this?!?!

















Is that a bottle of Belvedere Vodka I see? A 750ml bottle averages about $29.95 according to the Virgina Department of Alcoholic beverage control. That's more expensive than the crap I usually drink!

OK, on a side note, I've never actually been to Oakland. But seriously, this can't be it. Its just too, well... nice.

As you might expect from a movie with heavy gansta overtones, Hood of the Living Dead uses the F-word. A lot. In fact, I think that ¼ pf the entire script might be comprised of that one word. There was some debate as to whether or not we should have counted the number of times that it was used in the film, but we would have never been able to tally the number by the time this review was due to be published. But to put it in perspective, it easily rivals Blue Velvet for frequent use of that specific word.



Behold the wonders of the lab. Can you believe this is where science finally learned how to cheat death?

What do you mean "No"?




But unlike Blue Velvet, this movie is neither an artistic vision nor full of nudity. In fact, there is only one female character in Hood and she lives for approximately 20 seconds. So, yeah, it’s a total sausage fest.

If you’re looking for a tour-de-force, look somewhere else. Want something that looks like a Romero movie? Well, this movie has a guy named Romero, and there are zombies in it. That’s about where the similarity ends. The zombies don’t destroy the world. Actually they don’t even take over the hood. The zombies are more of a pesky problem than a world wide threat. They die when shot in the heart instead of the head, which actually makes them easier to kill. Come on, center mass is always an easier target than a head shot. Plus, as the hood is full of gansta types, there are guns everywhere. Given these two conditions, getting rid of the zombie threat should be about as challenging as farting after eating a bowl of Wendy‘s chili. But somehow the zombies keep not getting shot in the heart. Is it really that hard to shoot a guy in the center of his chest from 10 feet away?





At least the zombie effects are good. Gore and guts all present.






This movie was a real let down. It could have been so much more. It could have either tried to be better and have taken the high road, or it could have tried to be campier and take the low road. Actually, I think the low road was probably the only option this movie realistically had. But it looks like someone had a good idea, but only made a half hearted attempt in the execution. I could even forgive the amateur acting if the script had something going for it, but its as flat and tepid as a bottle of Colt 45 taped to a guy’s hands who passed out half way through a game of Edward Forty Hands. Sadly missing is any sort of drive by shooting on a group of zombies. There is a drive by, but the target is sadly living prior to being shot. Sadly, this movie is like the sleeping participant in a drinking game. Disappointing.

But at least the movie doesn’t smell like pee.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Satan's Little Helper

Video games are a much debated topic these days. Do violent video games cause children to kill? Are children more violent these days due to exposure to violent videogames? Is the Playstation a tool of the devil? We here at Spored to Death publishing feel the answer is a resounding “no”.

A small part is because of research done from statistics gathered from several reputable sources, most notably the US Department of Justice’s Bureau of Statistics, note that as of the latest findings in 2003 (which are the latest findings available) crime rates of violent crimes among children are the lowest they’ve been in years. In fact, the most likely problem caused by children’s fixation on video games of any type are those butt shaped grooves that show up when you sit on a couch too long and the cushions form a permanent dent where your butt has been.

But mostly we figure that kids who emulate video games in real life are just plain stupid.








Which leads us to our next movie, “Satan’s Little Helper”. This movie is the story of Douglass Whooly, also known as Dougie, who is a third grader with an infatuation with his favorite game where you play as “Satan’s helper” and help the lord of darkness spread death and mayhem throughout the world. During Halloween, little Dougie dresses up in his little devil costume and sets out in search of Satan so that he might serve the fallen one. And because this is a horror movie, Dougie does in fact find a guy in an evil looking mask who runs amok in his small town murdering innocent citizens in traditionally amusing horror movie fashion.



For the most part, Satan’s Little Helper is a really good movie. Joshua Annex, who plays the masked villain is brilliant as the silent antagonist. The movie also has a great cast with Katheryn Winnick as Dougie’s older sister Jenna, and Stephen Graham as Alex: the guy Jenna brought home for Halloween. A surprising addition to the cast is Amanda Plummer as a surprisingly sane person, as well as Dougie and Jenna’s mother.

Undoubtedly, the movie’s success rests squarely on the shoulders of Joshua Annex’s performance. The mute masked man beckons, pantomimes and stabs his way silently through this 96 minute flick while providing most of the amusing scenes in the movie. At times the psychopathic killer can seem kind and almost silently empathetic before gutting a guy like a fish and throwing his entrails over the good china on the family table.





Satan prepares to dispense some "treats".







Counterpoint to our charismatically masked villain is Alexander Brickel’s character Dougie, who’s inability to realize that the people being killed horribly in front of him is not a Halloween prank. No, Dougie tags along like crabs on a Congressman, completely oblivious to the violent acts that make up his world. Even when other children his age run screaming as an old woman is hung from her second story window, Dougie gives an emphatic huzzah and thrusts his drool and mucus encrusted thumb skyward in a salute to Satan’s “playful Halloween antics”. Unfortunately, Dougie is a necessary evil, as without his vapid stupidity, Satan would not have his “little helper”. Either that, or it would be a completely “different” type of movie.





Actual quotes from the movie:

"Honey you can wear my old costume from last Halloween."

"But Mom, I can't dress up like a Renaissance slut in front of my new boyfriend!"

Huzzah.







Luckily, the two counterbalance each other on screen enough that Dougie’s presence doesn’t become annoying. In fact, its not until the final third of the movie, after Dougie finally realizes that his masked lord is actually killing people when his father is gutted on the dining room table, that Dougie reaches the height of irritability. Alone, in his room, he kneels down and prays for God’s forgiveness, and pledges to help the lord and Jesus if they would save him and his family from Satan.





Satan and Dougie spend some quality time together talking about drugs, going to college, and the best technique to use if you want to skin a guy feet first.











Less than two minutes later a man in a Jesus costume, which was featured in a shop earlier in the movie, silently beckons for Dougie to leave his house and accompany him into the night. And like a dumbass, Dougie tags along like…well, like crabs on a Senator.

As to not ruin this film for you Spore fans, I’m going to leave you with some traditional cliffhangers. I recommend this movie to all of you, as a surprisingly entertaining horror with some nice comic overtones. But you’ll just have to watch to find out: Will Jenna and Alex have sex before one of them dies? Will Jenna and Alex have sex after one of them dies? Will Amanda Plummer’s character go crazy? Will you see what lies under Satan’s mask? And will Dougie survive the movie to go on to a lucrative career of sorting glass? Watch Satan’s Little Helper to find out the answer to these and many more exciting questions!

Either that or you could spend a few hours playing some violent video games and working on that ass groove in your couch.