Sorry Sporefans, but this week's review will be a little late. My internet connection at home is down. I will try to patch together my review for this week on my lunch breaks, but it will probably not have the polish that my reviews usually have.
In the mean time, feel free to read through the archives, or go to SuperMegaMonkey or The Foreign Object for some fun.
Rest assured, my gnomes are working on fixing this problem full time.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Warning from Space
Welcome back Sporefans. Recently we've been attempting to fill your need for reviews about creepy Japanese ghosts and giant monster movies. Well this week I was going to review another giant monster movie. There's just one problem: The movie I picked has no giant monsters in it. It looks like there should be giant monsters based on the cover art, but rest assured there are no giant monsters in this movie. I've checked the whole movie.
Twice.
This week's review is for a giant monster movie with no monsters. Think about all the things you would find in an old 60's Godzilla film: Aliens, scientists, and giant monsters. If you cut out the monsters, you'd have the 1956 film "Warning from Space".
Check out that cover art. You would think that there are giant cyclops starfish attacking Tokyo. There aren't. The cyclops starfish are the aliens, and they're the size of normal human beings. Oh, and they're here to save us, not destroy us. This cover is a lie. A LIE!
I'd like to let my readers know what this movie was about, but its really hard to tell through the film that badly needs restoration and the sound that keeps ramping up the treble and cutting out the base at critical moments. I think I was watching a movie about some aliens who were attempting to get in touch with some Japanese scientists, but were having problems because they were giant starfish cyclops people and everyone ran away when they saw them. Either that or it was more warped than I coupld possibly imagine.
Why does everyone run away from me?
Eventually one of these aliens gets the bright idea to transform into a human. Not just any human mind you, a famous singer and dancer named Hikari Aozora (played by Toyomi Karita). The "real" Hikari also makes a couple of appearances in the movie, and usually faints as soon as anything weird happens.
Looks like the aliens still need a circle for their transmutations.
The rest of the main cast is hard to make out, as the movie rarely spends time on any one character, until they all jumble together. There are 3 scientists, but its really hard to tell which one does what until the last half of the movie. One is an astronomer, one is a physicist, and one is a chemist or detective or something.
Two of the scientists also have some kids in their 20's who spend the entire movie eyeing each other romantically, in that naive 1950's courtship way. You know; the way they scandalously hold hands when no one is looking. Somebody call Tom Bosley, it looks like a Happy Day reunion over here.
Was that an alien I heard, or is dad coming home in one of his drunken stupors again? Please let it be an alien.
So eventually, the scientist guys get the "Warning from Space" about a runaway planet on a collision course with Earth. The "alien" informs them that they come from the planet... Paella, or Paira or something. The alien home world exists on a synchronous orbit on the opposite side of the sun from Earth, which is why we have never seen it before. The aliens claim that they have been aware of our civilization for thousands of years, but I highly doubt that if they think that they can show up looking like giant starfish cyclopes and not freak anyone out.
The aliens also state that if the Earth is destroyed, their planet will also be destroyed. They never explain "how" that's supposed to happen, but you can assume that its some sort of gravity thing. Get ready, because that was a minor speed bump on the plot hole ridden trip that the rest of this movie takes. Usually a movie has one or two plot holes or continuity errors, but this movie has Swiss cheese for a script, and the cheese between the plot holes is rancid!
I now call this meeting of the starfish cyclops aliens to order. Does anyone have any hands? I can't pick up the gavel.
For example, the planet that is on a collision course with Earth "accelerates" twice in the movie. Objects moving through space don't "accelerate" unless force is applied to the object. Even if the planet accelerated and reduced the remaining time that Earth had left, it would also alter the point at which the planet would pass thought the orbital path of the Earth, and thereby cause it to miss us.
Here's another good one: One of the scientists is working on a theoretical explosive that would make the atom bomb look like a cherry bomb. The alien singer/dancer girl glances at his notes and destroys them, claiming that her people had the same technology thousands of years ago, but destroyed it due to its potential for misuse (possibly by pulling a Serizawa). Later on in the movie Earth shoots all of its Atomic and Hydrogen weapons at the runaway planet (also known as Planet R), but it has no effect. The only remaining hope is the theoretical explosive developed by the scientist.
She blinded me with Science Fiction!
But wait! He was kidnapped by some mobster! Does that mean that the Earth is doomed? Well, if alien singer/dancer girl can recognize the formula at a glance, wouldn't that mean that she knows what the formula is? Plot hole central!
This transformed alien (seen left) finds out its not a good idea to impersonate a celebrity in Japan in "Attack of the Schoolgirls"!
Oh, and that kidnapped scientist? Well, the mobster that kidnaps him decides to have his goons extract the formula from him by force? What method do they use? Waterboarding? Sleep deprivation? Making him watch "The Marine" starring John Cena? No! They tie him to a chair and leave.
Check out these high tech graphics from "Warning from Space".
FIFTEEN DAYS LATER... the aliens finally get around to locating the missing scientist "just in the nick of time". Using a secret decoder ring the aliens gave to the scientist when the camera and the audience weren't looking, the aliens easily locate the missing scientist. Said scientist was about to fall from a collapsing building when the aliens teleported on over to untie him. After the scientist gives them the experimental formula to make a super weapon, the aliens show their gratitude... by leaving him to wander home on his own. To his credit, the scientist looks amazingly good for a man who was tied to a chair for 15 days with no food, water or access to restroom facilities.
The amount of time that keeps passing from scene to scene changes too. Not only does the "acceleration" of Planet R shorten the amount of time till doomsday, but a cut from one scene to another can shave days of the plot.
Planet R is closing in! Didn't I see this before in "The Fifth Element"?
Another scene put into this movie is the evacuation of Tokyo. If the entire planet is going to be destroyed, where are you evacuating to? Is there some designated death zone somewhere in Japan where everyone is rushing off to? On top of that, some of the evacuees leave their children with the scientist's daughter, who is conveniently a school teacher. The basement of the observatory also conveniently doubles as an emergency shelter, despite it being partially above ground.
Behold the combined power of human destructive theory and advanced alien technology! It's... over on the right... somewhere... Uhhh.... Its impressive, rest assured!
Let me give you this warning from cyberspace about "Warning from Space": If you're the type of person that asks questions... at all.. then you will probably find some fault with this movie. In fact, there are so many faults I'm surprised the movie isn't about an earthquake. So until next time Sporefans...
STAY HOME!
LOCK YOUR DOORS!
and avoid THE "WARNING FROM SPACE"!!!
Since the Earth was ultimately saved, we're not sure how it would really look if a planet smashed into Earth. But if it did happen, I bet is would look exactly like this:
Twice.
This week's review is for a giant monster movie with no monsters. Think about all the things you would find in an old 60's Godzilla film: Aliens, scientists, and giant monsters. If you cut out the monsters, you'd have the 1956 film "Warning from Space".
Check out that cover art. You would think that there are giant cyclops starfish attacking Tokyo. There aren't. The cyclops starfish are the aliens, and they're the size of normal human beings. Oh, and they're here to save us, not destroy us. This cover is a lie. A LIE!
I'd like to let my readers know what this movie was about, but its really hard to tell through the film that badly needs restoration and the sound that keeps ramping up the treble and cutting out the base at critical moments. I think I was watching a movie about some aliens who were attempting to get in touch with some Japanese scientists, but were having problems because they were giant starfish cyclops people and everyone ran away when they saw them. Either that or it was more warped than I coupld possibly imagine.
Why does everyone run away from me?
Eventually one of these aliens gets the bright idea to transform into a human. Not just any human mind you, a famous singer and dancer named Hikari Aozora (played by Toyomi Karita). The "real" Hikari also makes a couple of appearances in the movie, and usually faints as soon as anything weird happens.
Looks like the aliens still need a circle for their transmutations.
The rest of the main cast is hard to make out, as the movie rarely spends time on any one character, until they all jumble together. There are 3 scientists, but its really hard to tell which one does what until the last half of the movie. One is an astronomer, one is a physicist, and one is a chemist or detective or something.
Two of the scientists also have some kids in their 20's who spend the entire movie eyeing each other romantically, in that naive 1950's courtship way. You know; the way they scandalously hold hands when no one is looking. Somebody call Tom Bosley, it looks like a Happy Day reunion over here.
Was that an alien I heard, or is dad coming home in one of his drunken stupors again? Please let it be an alien.
So eventually, the scientist guys get the "Warning from Space" about a runaway planet on a collision course with Earth. The "alien" informs them that they come from the planet... Paella, or Paira or something. The alien home world exists on a synchronous orbit on the opposite side of the sun from Earth, which is why we have never seen it before. The aliens claim that they have been aware of our civilization for thousands of years, but I highly doubt that if they think that they can show up looking like giant starfish cyclopes and not freak anyone out.
The aliens also state that if the Earth is destroyed, their planet will also be destroyed. They never explain "how" that's supposed to happen, but you can assume that its some sort of gravity thing. Get ready, because that was a minor speed bump on the plot hole ridden trip that the rest of this movie takes. Usually a movie has one or two plot holes or continuity errors, but this movie has Swiss cheese for a script, and the cheese between the plot holes is rancid!
I now call this meeting of the starfish cyclops aliens to order. Does anyone have any hands? I can't pick up the gavel.
For example, the planet that is on a collision course with Earth "accelerates" twice in the movie. Objects moving through space don't "accelerate" unless force is applied to the object. Even if the planet accelerated and reduced the remaining time that Earth had left, it would also alter the point at which the planet would pass thought the orbital path of the Earth, and thereby cause it to miss us.
Here's another good one: One of the scientists is working on a theoretical explosive that would make the atom bomb look like a cherry bomb. The alien singer/dancer girl glances at his notes and destroys them, claiming that her people had the same technology thousands of years ago, but destroyed it due to its potential for misuse (possibly by pulling a Serizawa). Later on in the movie Earth shoots all of its Atomic and Hydrogen weapons at the runaway planet (also known as Planet R), but it has no effect. The only remaining hope is the theoretical explosive developed by the scientist.
She blinded me with Science Fiction!
But wait! He was kidnapped by some mobster! Does that mean that the Earth is doomed? Well, if alien singer/dancer girl can recognize the formula at a glance, wouldn't that mean that she knows what the formula is? Plot hole central!
This transformed alien (seen left) finds out its not a good idea to impersonate a celebrity in Japan in "Attack of the Schoolgirls"!
Oh, and that kidnapped scientist? Well, the mobster that kidnaps him decides to have his goons extract the formula from him by force? What method do they use? Waterboarding? Sleep deprivation? Making him watch "The Marine" starring John Cena? No! They tie him to a chair and leave.
Check out these high tech graphics from "Warning from Space".
FIFTEEN DAYS LATER... the aliens finally get around to locating the missing scientist "just in the nick of time". Using a secret decoder ring the aliens gave to the scientist when the camera and the audience weren't looking, the aliens easily locate the missing scientist. Said scientist was about to fall from a collapsing building when the aliens teleported on over to untie him. After the scientist gives them the experimental formula to make a super weapon, the aliens show their gratitude... by leaving him to wander home on his own. To his credit, the scientist looks amazingly good for a man who was tied to a chair for 15 days with no food, water or access to restroom facilities.
The amount of time that keeps passing from scene to scene changes too. Not only does the "acceleration" of Planet R shorten the amount of time till doomsday, but a cut from one scene to another can shave days of the plot.
Planet R is closing in! Didn't I see this before in "The Fifth Element"?
Another scene put into this movie is the evacuation of Tokyo. If the entire planet is going to be destroyed, where are you evacuating to? Is there some designated death zone somewhere in Japan where everyone is rushing off to? On top of that, some of the evacuees leave their children with the scientist's daughter, who is conveniently a school teacher. The basement of the observatory also conveniently doubles as an emergency shelter, despite it being partially above ground.
Behold the combined power of human destructive theory and advanced alien technology! It's... over on the right... somewhere... Uhhh.... Its impressive, rest assured!
Let me give you this warning from cyberspace about "Warning from Space": If you're the type of person that asks questions... at all.. then you will probably find some fault with this movie. In fact, there are so many faults I'm surprised the movie isn't about an earthquake. So until next time Sporefans...
STAY HOME!
LOCK YOUR DOORS!
and avoid THE "WARNING FROM SPACE"!!!
Since the Earth was ultimately saved, we're not sure how it would really look if a planet smashed into Earth. But if it did happen, I bet is would look exactly like this:
Friday, July 20, 2007
Goofing off with Spored to Death
Well, its Friday once again, and many of you are stuck at work. But for me, Friday is a day of sitting around and goofing off. And to share in that goofing off, I wanted to give all my readers a little distraction. Also, I'm feeling lazy. First up is a neat little video, starring everyone's favorite scary looking guy, Christopher Walken.
Also, check out this slightly creepy game I found. Enjoy!
Also, check out this slightly creepy game I found. Enjoy!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Shikoku
Welcome back Sporefans! In response to your requests for more creepy Asian horror movies, I started digging through my collection to find a movie that met with the following two criteria.
1) Is an Asian horror movie.
2) The movie is also a bad movie.
I am pleased to say that I did find a couple of movies that I thought were pretty bad. I'm sure that there will be some people who disagree with me about this movie, but I stand by my opinion in this matter. Today's review is for the 1999 movie "Shikoku".
Shikoku is the smallest main island of Japan, and its name literally translates into "Four Countries". Here's a small bit of trivia for some of you, the symbol for "four" and the symbol for "death" in Japan are pronounced exactly the same: "Shi". The title of the movie is a play on words, but I'm pretty sure I've seen some other movie titled "Land of the Dead" somewhere else.
By the way, none of this is to be confused with "Sudoku", which is a game you can play here.
The movie takes place on the island of Sudoku, er... Shikoku, in a small town in the Kochi prefecture. The movie starts with 3 young children, Hinako, Fumiya and Sayori. There are a bunch of childhood scenes chopped together to try and provide back ground information for the 3 main characters, but the scenes are pretty quick and you might be confused as to what's going on. It appears that Sayori is a spriritualist medium who channels dead children so that they can speak to their parents.
Hinako is Sayori's friend who sees one of the "channeling sessions" and later almost drowns. Sayori saves Hinako from drowning in a small stream. Then Hinako moves to Tokyo.
Fumiya is the boy. That's about all you need to know about Fumiya.
The movie really gets started when Hinako (now played by Yui Natsukawa) comes back to the small village to settle affairs after her mother's death. She runs into an old classmate who tells her that Sayori drowned at the age of 16. She also meets up with Fumiya (now played by Michitaka Tsutsui), and despite his gangliness she finds herself attracted to him.
Unfortunately for Hinako, Fumiya is still hung up on his previous girlfriend, which is quite a feat as Fumiya's previous girlfriend drowned at 16. I wonder who they're talking about. Anyway, this makes the plot a love triangle story with one participant being a ghost.
The famous Japanese awkward silence. I think someone farted.
This movie is really divided into three parts. In the first part, Fumiya and Hinako walk around the village during festival time, talking about how great Sayori was. If you like watching people talk in front of the beautiful Japanese countryside, this part is for you. Its also the best part of the movie.
Check out that view!
In the second phase, Fumiya and Hinako realize that they're attracted to each other, and start to remember that Sayori was not as great a person as you were lead to believe in the first part of the movie. The obnoxious classmate reveals to Hinako that "Sayori said that you stuck to her like crap stuck to a goldfish. She really resented you after you moved to Tokyo." The tactless classmate also reveals that Sayori always resented Hinako for moving because Sayori's dream was to leave the village, but Sayori's mother (played by Toshie Negishi) wanted her to carry on the line of their family spiritualist's practitioners.
The Japanese sure do know how to turn a phrase.
After the blunt force revelation from Hinako's tactless classmate, Hinako remembers some other shocking secrets about Sayori. For example, Hinako remembers that not only did Sayori save Hinako from drowning, Sayori was the one who threw Hinako into the stream in the first place and then held her head underwater. What a silly thing to repress!
Fumiya also reveals that when he was with Sayori was very possessive of him when they were going out, and that she was the one who "wore the pants" in their relationship. Like a whipped dog, Fumiya keeps looking around, presumably as he keeps seeing Sayori's ghost out of the corner of his eye.
Now at this point I need to point something out. Something I haven't mentioned in the review yet. I've put in the names of the actors who play the adult Hinako and Fumiya when they appear as their adult forms in the review, but I've been saving an extra special introduction for Sayori.
Sayori is played by Chiaki Kuriyama. If that name doesn't ring an instant bell, click here.
Yeah.
While all of this is going on, Sayori's mother, who has gone mad with grief is attempting to perform a corrupted version of an ancient rite. The proper ceremony involves traveling to all of the 88 temples of the Shikoku island in the proper order to seal the island off from the land of the dead. Or something like that.
According to the movie, if someone travels to the temples in the reverse order they can open the gates to the realm of the dead. The person must perform this pilgrimage (all 88 temples) repeatedly, once for each year the person who they are trying to resurrect was alive. Sayori's mother is about to complete her 16th and final trip, which will allow Sayori to be brought back to life. The catch is supposed to be that opening the doorway to the realm of the dead will allow all the dead back into the realm of the living.
All of them.
As Sayori's mother gets closer to completing the pilgrimage, the ghost of Sayori becomes stronger and stronger, and after Hinako and Fumiya spend some "quality time" together, Sayori's ghost shows up and gets all creepy possessive of Fumiya.
Don't you hate it when creepy dead girls read over your shoulder? Its really annoying!
This concludes the second portion of the movie. Up to this point, the movie seems to be progressing really well. Things are ominous, but nothing really creepy has happened yet. I was lead to expect that some really scary stuff was to come after this point, but I was wrong. Right after this point, the movie really falls apart. It not only fails to seal the deal, it fails in a spectacular way, so you're left feeling ripped off and disgusted.
Nooooo! The movie is going all wrong!
The problem with this movie is that right after Sayori's mother completes the trip and brings her back to life it gets really... emotional. Like high school emotional. And by that I mean there's a lot of angst.
Also, there's a plot hole the size of a small Japanese island that keeps popping up. What is it, you ask? Remember that whole speech about all the dead coming back to life? Skip it. It turns out that only Sayori comes back to life. All those other dead people? Well, they just don't show up. I guess they really didn't want to live.
Sayori climbs out of a pool of slimy green water in a cave and her mother takes her home and cleans her up. Sayori stumbles around like a drunk, slurring her speech and complaining about the bright light of candles. Sayori's mother hugs her and tells her that everything is going to be all right, and that she can now fulfill her destiny as the Priestess of the village... which is what Sayori has been trying to avoid her whole life.
This is when she reveals her awesome new power... she hugs people to death. Yes, Sayori accidentally kills her own mother, by hugging her, and squeezing her and calling her George.
Sayori hugs you and squeezes you and calls you George, just like the big red monster from those old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Or the abominable snowman.
Enter the plot hole! With the gateway to the land of the dead open, why doesn't Sayori's mother simply walk back home from the land of the dead? Oops!
Eventually the love triangle heads back to the sacred cave and the pool of slimy water, where Fumiya, Hinako and that drunk Sayori have their inevitable showdown. After an exchange by the two girls who have been fighting over Fumiya the whole movie, Fumiya is faced with a choice.
Option A: Fumiya can choose to leave with Hinako, a pretty and well off woman in her early 20's. He can then leave the village and live happily ever after with her in Tokyo.
Option B: Fumiya can choose a dead and then reanimated Japanese schoolgirl who may or may not attempt to eat his brains, and who will spend the rest of his life controlling everything that Fumiya does on a psychotic level.
You may think the choice here is obvious, but you forgot one thing about Japanese men. They love schoolgirls. And just like that, Fumiya runs to the arms of Sayori... who hugs him and loves him and squeezes him and calls him George until his spine pops and all his ribs break.
Oh baby I totally love yo..uuurrrgghhhkkk!!!
I think the knight from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" said it best at the end of the movie when he said "He chose... poorly." You know that scene, the one where the guy aged 1000 years after drinking out of the wrong cup? Yeah, it was exactly like that.
Eventually a mountain monk shows up and helps Hinako get Sayori into the pool of slimy water. The monk holds Sayori in the pool with a spell... or something... and tells Hinako that she should scatter the sacred rocks and staves and break the gateway to the land of the dead. Hinako, remembering at the worst possible time the childhood friendship she and Sayori shared, hesitates.
Then, the half dead Fumiya jumps into the pool and he and Sayori disappear, leaving Hinako standing there alive, alone, and rejected by her man once again. This really has to drive the point home because not only did Fumiya get crushed, but he willingly climbed into a pool of slimy water and died instead of staying with Hinako. That's some pretty harsh rejection right there.
You gotta give Fumiya this: he really goes to great lengths to hit that 16 year old reanimated dead chick. That's some hard core dedication. Or necrophilia, I can't remember which.
The last segment of the movie seemed to me to try and show exactly how pathetic each of the three main characters was. Sayori, now alive and no longer quite as creepy is stumbling about half blind looking only to reclaim Fumiya. Fumiya is even more pathetic for embracing his emasculation at the hands of Sayori. But I think the real winner is Hinako, for not only losing her boyfriend to a dead girl, but having that same dead girl give her a speech about how pathetic Hinako is, and then just standing there quietly as she accepts those words as truth.
You... picked... the... dead girl?!?!
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
In looking at the end of this movie, I find myself terribly disappointed. This movie is billed as Horror/Thriller but contains no scenes that are meant to frighten the audience. Even the scenes of Sayori's "hauntings" are only meant to demonstrate Sayori's unwillingness to let Fumiya go, not to intimidate or frighten. The ending is much more like a badly written high school romance story than a horror movie, full of rejection and angst.
The actors all did a great job, and the locations are amazing, but this film is flawed by bad writing, bad direction and bad camera work. There are several scenes where is becomes obvious that the use of a hand held camera was a bad choice. What works for an intense scene in "Homicide: Life on the Street" doesn't work on a shot when Fumiya notices Hinako across a crowded festival ground, it only makes the viewer sea sick.
At least the scenery is pretty.
Ultimately this movie leads us up to believe that its going to be really good, and then craps out at the end. Its a hard feeling to describe, but I think the best way to put it would be finding out that you're at a "legitimate" massage parlor when you're already on the table and you were looking to go to a massage parlor of the "shady" variety; you'll feel stressed out, embarrassed and unsatisfied. I think that's why they call it a "Crappy ending".
On a technical note, the original video I planned to post kept crashing my site, but you can watch it here. Instead, watch Chiaki Kuriyama kill the crap out of some guy in Battle Royale. And be warned, its bloody.
1) Is an Asian horror movie.
2) The movie is also a bad movie.
I am pleased to say that I did find a couple of movies that I thought were pretty bad. I'm sure that there will be some people who disagree with me about this movie, but I stand by my opinion in this matter. Today's review is for the 1999 movie "Shikoku".
Shikoku is the smallest main island of Japan, and its name literally translates into "Four Countries". Here's a small bit of trivia for some of you, the symbol for "four" and the symbol for "death" in Japan are pronounced exactly the same: "Shi". The title of the movie is a play on words, but I'm pretty sure I've seen some other movie titled "Land of the Dead" somewhere else.
By the way, none of this is to be confused with "Sudoku", which is a game you can play here.
The movie takes place on the island of Sudoku, er... Shikoku, in a small town in the Kochi prefecture. The movie starts with 3 young children, Hinako, Fumiya and Sayori. There are a bunch of childhood scenes chopped together to try and provide back ground information for the 3 main characters, but the scenes are pretty quick and you might be confused as to what's going on. It appears that Sayori is a spriritualist medium who channels dead children so that they can speak to their parents.
Hinako is Sayori's friend who sees one of the "channeling sessions" and later almost drowns. Sayori saves Hinako from drowning in a small stream. Then Hinako moves to Tokyo.
Fumiya is the boy. That's about all you need to know about Fumiya.
The movie really gets started when Hinako (now played by Yui Natsukawa) comes back to the small village to settle affairs after her mother's death. She runs into an old classmate who tells her that Sayori drowned at the age of 16. She also meets up with Fumiya (now played by Michitaka Tsutsui), and despite his gangliness she finds herself attracted to him.
Unfortunately for Hinako, Fumiya is still hung up on his previous girlfriend, which is quite a feat as Fumiya's previous girlfriend drowned at 16. I wonder who they're talking about. Anyway, this makes the plot a love triangle story with one participant being a ghost.
The famous Japanese awkward silence. I think someone farted.
This movie is really divided into three parts. In the first part, Fumiya and Hinako walk around the village during festival time, talking about how great Sayori was. If you like watching people talk in front of the beautiful Japanese countryside, this part is for you. Its also the best part of the movie.
Check out that view!
In the second phase, Fumiya and Hinako realize that they're attracted to each other, and start to remember that Sayori was not as great a person as you were lead to believe in the first part of the movie. The obnoxious classmate reveals to Hinako that "Sayori said that you stuck to her like crap stuck to a goldfish. She really resented you after you moved to Tokyo." The tactless classmate also reveals that Sayori always resented Hinako for moving because Sayori's dream was to leave the village, but Sayori's mother (played by Toshie Negishi) wanted her to carry on the line of their family spiritualist's practitioners.
The Japanese sure do know how to turn a phrase.
After the blunt force revelation from Hinako's tactless classmate, Hinako remembers some other shocking secrets about Sayori. For example, Hinako remembers that not only did Sayori save Hinako from drowning, Sayori was the one who threw Hinako into the stream in the first place and then held her head underwater. What a silly thing to repress!
Fumiya also reveals that when he was with Sayori was very possessive of him when they were going out, and that she was the one who "wore the pants" in their relationship. Like a whipped dog, Fumiya keeps looking around, presumably as he keeps seeing Sayori's ghost out of the corner of his eye.
Now at this point I need to point something out. Something I haven't mentioned in the review yet. I've put in the names of the actors who play the adult Hinako and Fumiya when they appear as their adult forms in the review, but I've been saving an extra special introduction for Sayori.
Sayori is played by Chiaki Kuriyama. If that name doesn't ring an instant bell, click here.
Yeah.
While all of this is going on, Sayori's mother, who has gone mad with grief is attempting to perform a corrupted version of an ancient rite. The proper ceremony involves traveling to all of the 88 temples of the Shikoku island in the proper order to seal the island off from the land of the dead. Or something like that.
According to the movie, if someone travels to the temples in the reverse order they can open the gates to the realm of the dead. The person must perform this pilgrimage (all 88 temples) repeatedly, once for each year the person who they are trying to resurrect was alive. Sayori's mother is about to complete her 16th and final trip, which will allow Sayori to be brought back to life. The catch is supposed to be that opening the doorway to the realm of the dead will allow all the dead back into the realm of the living.
All of them.
As Sayori's mother gets closer to completing the pilgrimage, the ghost of Sayori becomes stronger and stronger, and after Hinako and Fumiya spend some "quality time" together, Sayori's ghost shows up and gets all creepy possessive of Fumiya.
Don't you hate it when creepy dead girls read over your shoulder? Its really annoying!
This concludes the second portion of the movie. Up to this point, the movie seems to be progressing really well. Things are ominous, but nothing really creepy has happened yet. I was lead to expect that some really scary stuff was to come after this point, but I was wrong. Right after this point, the movie really falls apart. It not only fails to seal the deal, it fails in a spectacular way, so you're left feeling ripped off and disgusted.
Nooooo! The movie is going all wrong!
The problem with this movie is that right after Sayori's mother completes the trip and brings her back to life it gets really... emotional. Like high school emotional. And by that I mean there's a lot of angst.
Also, there's a plot hole the size of a small Japanese island that keeps popping up. What is it, you ask? Remember that whole speech about all the dead coming back to life? Skip it. It turns out that only Sayori comes back to life. All those other dead people? Well, they just don't show up. I guess they really didn't want to live.
Sayori climbs out of a pool of slimy green water in a cave and her mother takes her home and cleans her up. Sayori stumbles around like a drunk, slurring her speech and complaining about the bright light of candles. Sayori's mother hugs her and tells her that everything is going to be all right, and that she can now fulfill her destiny as the Priestess of the village... which is what Sayori has been trying to avoid her whole life.
This is when she reveals her awesome new power... she hugs people to death. Yes, Sayori accidentally kills her own mother, by hugging her, and squeezing her and calling her George.
Sayori hugs you and squeezes you and calls you George, just like the big red monster from those old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Or the abominable snowman.
Enter the plot hole! With the gateway to the land of the dead open, why doesn't Sayori's mother simply walk back home from the land of the dead? Oops!
Eventually the love triangle heads back to the sacred cave and the pool of slimy water, where Fumiya, Hinako and that drunk Sayori have their inevitable showdown. After an exchange by the two girls who have been fighting over Fumiya the whole movie, Fumiya is faced with a choice.
Option A: Fumiya can choose to leave with Hinako, a pretty and well off woman in her early 20's. He can then leave the village and live happily ever after with her in Tokyo.
Option B: Fumiya can choose a dead and then reanimated Japanese schoolgirl who may or may not attempt to eat his brains, and who will spend the rest of his life controlling everything that Fumiya does on a psychotic level.
You may think the choice here is obvious, but you forgot one thing about Japanese men. They love schoolgirls. And just like that, Fumiya runs to the arms of Sayori... who hugs him and loves him and squeezes him and calls him George until his spine pops and all his ribs break.
Oh baby I totally love yo..uuurrrgghhhkkk!!!
I think the knight from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" said it best at the end of the movie when he said "He chose... poorly." You know that scene, the one where the guy aged 1000 years after drinking out of the wrong cup? Yeah, it was exactly like that.
Eventually a mountain monk shows up and helps Hinako get Sayori into the pool of slimy water. The monk holds Sayori in the pool with a spell... or something... and tells Hinako that she should scatter the sacred rocks and staves and break the gateway to the land of the dead. Hinako, remembering at the worst possible time the childhood friendship she and Sayori shared, hesitates.
Then, the half dead Fumiya jumps into the pool and he and Sayori disappear, leaving Hinako standing there alive, alone, and rejected by her man once again. This really has to drive the point home because not only did Fumiya get crushed, but he willingly climbed into a pool of slimy water and died instead of staying with Hinako. That's some pretty harsh rejection right there.
You gotta give Fumiya this: he really goes to great lengths to hit that 16 year old reanimated dead chick. That's some hard core dedication. Or necrophilia, I can't remember which.
The last segment of the movie seemed to me to try and show exactly how pathetic each of the three main characters was. Sayori, now alive and no longer quite as creepy is stumbling about half blind looking only to reclaim Fumiya. Fumiya is even more pathetic for embracing his emasculation at the hands of Sayori. But I think the real winner is Hinako, for not only losing her boyfriend to a dead girl, but having that same dead girl give her a speech about how pathetic Hinako is, and then just standing there quietly as she accepts those words as truth.
You... picked... the... dead girl?!?!
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
In looking at the end of this movie, I find myself terribly disappointed. This movie is billed as Horror/Thriller but contains no scenes that are meant to frighten the audience. Even the scenes of Sayori's "hauntings" are only meant to demonstrate Sayori's unwillingness to let Fumiya go, not to intimidate or frighten. The ending is much more like a badly written high school romance story than a horror movie, full of rejection and angst.
The actors all did a great job, and the locations are amazing, but this film is flawed by bad writing, bad direction and bad camera work. There are several scenes where is becomes obvious that the use of a hand held camera was a bad choice. What works for an intense scene in "Homicide: Life on the Street" doesn't work on a shot when Fumiya notices Hinako across a crowded festival ground, it only makes the viewer sea sick.
At least the scenery is pretty.
Ultimately this movie leads us up to believe that its going to be really good, and then craps out at the end. Its a hard feeling to describe, but I think the best way to put it would be finding out that you're at a "legitimate" massage parlor when you're already on the table and you were looking to go to a massage parlor of the "shady" variety; you'll feel stressed out, embarrassed and unsatisfied. I think that's why they call it a "Crappy ending".
On a technical note, the original video I planned to post kept crashing my site, but you can watch it here. Instead, watch Chiaki Kuriyama kill the crap out of some guy in Battle Royale. And be warned, its bloody.
Friday, July 13, 2007
A look inside Spored to Death Publishing
Welcome Sporefans to a Spored to Death Publishing special. Today we're giving you a look inside Spored to Death Publishing at how are reviews are made. Now I'm going to go on the record and mention that a good portion of this is complete fiction. I feel that my normal review process just doesn't have enough "Zazz" to be entertaining, so I'm Zazzing it up. A lot.
What is true, and what I'd like to impress upon you all is that it really does take me about a week to get a review ready for publication. So while most of our procedures have been "tweaked" for your amusement, the time line it follows is pretty accurate in regards to how long it takes to get the review up.
Lets take a look at what things are like at Spored to Death Publishing... at least, the portion of it in my mind.
Friday 9:00 am: A staff of gnomes is assigned to the Spored to Death movie collection to search for potential review materials. Using advanced scientific and magickal procedures, the gnomes screen through lists of thousands of titles in order to find the next great movie to be reviewed by Spored to Death. The troop of gnomes considers many things when choosing a movie for review. Factors like title, genre, publication date, cast, budget, subject matter, filming location, format, odor, texture, flavor, popularity, elementary school grades, subtitles, marketability, sugar content, graft and cover art all play an important part of the gnomish selection process.
Friday 1:15 pm: The gnomes have carefully weighed all options and have created a list of potential reviews for Spored to Death's approval.
Friday 1:47 pm: Spored to Death awakens, hung over and weary. After a shower, shave and locating his magical bottle of aspirin, Spored to Death grabs a cup of coffee and heads downstairs to the nerve center of the Spored to Death publishing empire, ie his basement.
Friday 3:11 pm: Spored to Death receives the list, crafted by gnomes, of movies for potential review. The list reads as follows.
1) Gnome chicks gone wild
2) Gnome chicks gone wild 2: Island paradise
3) You've got mail
The gnomes are subsequently fired.
Friday 3:49 pm: Spored to Death rifles through the stacks of DVD's and Video Tapes left on the floor by the gnomes attempts to find potential review materials. Finally, a time honored method is called into play. By closing his eyes and randomly grabbing a title, Spored to Death makes a selection.
Friday 3:50 pm: After grabbing the title "Highlander 2: The Quickening", Spored to Death decides that this movie would be way too easy to review, and further abuse would only be beating a dead horse. The title is discarded and a new movie is selected using the same method.
Friday 3:51 pm: "Hood of the Living Dead" has been selected as the new title for review.
Friday 4:19 pm: Spored to Death wastes time playing video games until "The Damned" can be summoned.
Friday 11:37 pm: Dinner arrives. Mmm... dinner.
Friday/Saturday at Midnight: The Damned are summoned once again to bear witness to the awful craptastic movie for this weeks review. Alcohol is distributed, and all settle in to watch the movie.
Saturday 12:03 am: The suffering begins.
Saturday 12:09 am: Many terrible jokes are made by Spored to Death about the content of the movie, most of which are either terrible puns or thinly veiled sexual innuendo. More alcohol is consumed.
Saturday 12:56 am: Bathroom break. More alcohol is consumed by involved parties.
Saturday morning, exact time unknown: Spored to Death falls asleep watching the movie shown after the "review movie". Usually something just as bad, which will wind up on a later review.
Saturday 2:08 pm: Spored to Death awakens, hung over and weary. After a shower, shave and locating his magical bottle of aspirin, Spored to Death grabs a cup of coffee and heads downstairs to the nerve center of the Spored to Death publishing empire. Today's goal: Research! No good review can be done without research first!
Saturday 3:39 pm: Feeling lazy, Spored to Death hires a research firm to take care of the research and takes the rest of the day off.
Sunday 11:15 am: Spored to Death makes an appointment with the research firm for Monday morning to review the materials that they've acquired.
Monday 10:00 am: Spored to Death greets the two research associates in the Spored to Death publishing offices, wearing his traditional writing garb: a ragged old bathrobe, a pair of flip flops and large sunglasses. Holding a cup of coffee spiked with a little "Irish Creativity", Spored to Death meets with the two research associates to review the information they've gathered about the movie up for review. The following is a transcript of their conversation.
Research associate A: Mr., uhh... Death. We've spent several hours reviewing your website and we have several changes that we'd like to suggest.
Spored to Death: You were supposed to research the movie title I sent you. Where's the information on that?
Research associate A: Oh that? Our research shows that no one is interested in that movie. Its terrible.
Research associate B: We think you'll really like the suggestions we've come to offer you.
Spored to Death: I know its a terrible movie. I watched it. All of it. Can you say the same thing?
(brief pause)
I thought not.
Research associate A: Mr. Death, please hear us out. These changes that we have for you will really help your website grow in popularity.
Spored to Death: Go on...
Research associate A: Well sir, the first thing I noticed on your site is that you don't have any advertisements. We could put ads on your site, increasing revenue 100%. As a matter of fact, I guarantee you will increase your revenue 100%, because your current ad revenue is non-existent.
Research associate B: Our research indicates that if we put ads at the top, on both sides and at the bottom of your website, we can create a... a box, so to speak, that will keep your reviews centered for your readers.
Research associate A: We also feel that we can put ads inside the text of your reviews, so that as the reader scrolls through the review, they will notice the advertisements, further increasing profits.
Research associate B: The ads nestled snugly in the review can even be fitted with scripts or codes that will enlarge the ads when the reader nears perimeter of the ad, and will follow them if they move their mouse within 1000 pixels of the ads. Of course, that might block out a bit of your reviews... but the profits would increase another 200% for you!
Research associate A: Furthermore, we feel that you could also endorse certain products during your reviews to help the readers make up their minds about choosing proven brands when it comes to tough purchases.
Research associate B: Finally, we can install software onto your website that will automatically upload on to the computers of your readers to track their web browsing habits and then give us information about what types of products they might be most interested in buying. This nifty new program costs you nothing, and is installed into the reader's root kit and on several other levels of their computer, ensuring that we can gather the maximum amount of data and thereby provide the best service to all your readers.
Spored to Death: I think I've heard enou...
Research associate A: But wait! There's more!
Research associate B: Our new software not only monitors consumer habits, but obtains credit card and bank data from the readers and automatically sets up an account with our company. As the new potential customer uses their computer, even when not browsing the web, our program launches its own new application offering the customer new products all the time!
Research associate A: The customer only has to click the window anywhere, at any point on the window, even the close button, and the purchase is made! Automatically! The product is shipped to the customer and arrives in about 6-8 weeks, and the customer only has to pay a small finance charge to us for the transaction. Why, if the customer can't afford the product or the finance charge, our software automatically applies for new credit cards for the customer automatically and charges the fees to the new accounts!
Research associate B: So what do you say, Mr. Death? Will you become part of our team?
(long pause)
Spored to Death: Gentlemen. Let me make one thing absolutely clear. I make no money from my website what-so-ever. That is not the point of Spored to Death Publishing. The point of Spored to Death publishing is to provide entertainment to myself and to all my readers. And also possibly to suggest movies that they might find entertaining. That, and nothing more.
Spored to Death: That being said, you have failed me in the one thing that I asked you to do. The one thing, and the only thing that I requested was information on the movie "Hood of the Living Dead". Instead, you bring me this ridiculous idea for flooding my readers with advertisements and transforming my free entertainment into a Capitalistic feeding frenzy for sharks like you.
Spored to Death: I'm gonna have to go with a "No" on this one. In fact, you're not getting paid, because you didn't do what I asked you to.
Research assistant A: Mr. Death, with all due respect, you still have to pay us for services rendered, regardless of how you feel about the research information we've provided.
Spored to Death: Really? Do I? Maybe you guys can be of some use to me after all.
(sound of an intercom buzzer)
Spored to Death: Zombie guards! Attack!
Zombie guards: Braaains! BRAAAAINS!!!
Research associate B: Holy Crap! Zombies! Aaaahhhh!!!
(sounds of a struggle, and then moist chewing sounds)
Monday 10:43 am : Spored to Death fires the research firm.
Monday 11:45 am: After a shower to remove the blood, Spored to Death decides to do research for the movie on his own. Using the advanced power of "the Internet" Spored to Death sets off in search of knowledge.
Monday 12:57 pm: After an hour of trying, it becomes apparent that the Internet has little to offer in the way of material that isn't either someone else's review of this movie or porn.
Monday 1:15 pm: Spored to Death decides that the only way to get information for the movie is to take it from imdb or wikipedia. All else seems pointless. Trivia sections are consulted, cast, crew and budget information is acquired and other useful information about the movie's production is revealed.
Monday 2:19 pm: Spored to Death begins the first draft of the review.
Monday 3:47 pm: Writer's block hits.
Monday 10:15 pm: Writer's block persists. In desperation, Spored to Death eats some "magical" mushrooms.
Time and space meaningless: The walls are covered with crawling chocolate candies. All things in the universe seem probable and everything makes sense.
Later: Things take a turn for the worse when the floating head of Peter Lorre appears. With his forked tongue, Lorre describes the special Hell reserved for movie critics.
Tuesday 10:48 am: Spored to Death awakens to find a large pile of pizza boxes carved up to resemble famous historical figures on his desk. On the computer screen are two large files. One is an almost perfect review for "Hood of the Living Dead". The other is a terrible manuscript detailing a new religion worshiping the floating head of Peter Lorre.
Tuesday 12:19 pm: Spored to Death prints out both the manuscript and the review and leaves them both in the hands of the Spored to Death editing staff. Elated, Spored to Death goes out to get lunch.
Tuesday 2:47 pm: Spored to Death returns to find the review shredded by the mighty claws of his editor. The manuscript remains eerily unscathed.
Tuesday 2:53 pm: Panic. The file that contained the review has become corrupted. The review is lost! Though the research material exists, the review must be written over again completely.
Tuesday 7:19 pm: The first review is lost to the mists of time and memory. A second, substandard review is constructed. As the zero hour approaches, Spored to Death slaps together whatever he can to finish up the review.
Tuesday 9:57 pm: The review is completed, but there is not time for editing. Spored to Death searches the Internet for pictures to post with the review.
Tuesday 10:24 pm: Nothing but more porn. Spored to Death must use technology to take images directly from the movie to post with the review. Using a digital camera and computer monitor, "pictures" are "taken" of the screen, allowing specific scenes to be put into the post.
Tuesday 11:17 pm: The review and images are ported over to the blogspot site. Things refuse to line up correctly, and html editing and cursing ensues.
Tuesday 11:48 pm: The finishing touch, the links, are added to the review.
Wednesday 12:19 am: Already 20 minutes past the deadline, Spored to Death finally publishes the review and calls is a day.
Wednesday 10:53 am: The first comment is posted on the website. Spored to Death gleefully checks to see what his fans have to say about the review.
"You suck" -Anonymous
Spored to Death deletes the comment.
Thursday 11:32 pm: Spored to Death reviews the comments from his fans. Both of them. After faithfully replying to each of his readers, Spored to Death begins drinking heavily.
"Maybe I should quit. Is it really worth all this effort to write these reviews?"
But, no that's defeatist talk, and there will be no more of that. Drunkenly, Spored to Death hires a crew of gnomes to select the movie for the next review.
What is true, and what I'd like to impress upon you all is that it really does take me about a week to get a review ready for publication. So while most of our procedures have been "tweaked" for your amusement, the time line it follows is pretty accurate in regards to how long it takes to get the review up.
Lets take a look at what things are like at Spored to Death Publishing... at least, the portion of it in my mind.
Friday 9:00 am: A staff of gnomes is assigned to the Spored to Death movie collection to search for potential review materials. Using advanced scientific and magickal procedures, the gnomes screen through lists of thousands of titles in order to find the next great movie to be reviewed by Spored to Death. The troop of gnomes considers many things when choosing a movie for review. Factors like title, genre, publication date, cast, budget, subject matter, filming location, format, odor, texture, flavor, popularity, elementary school grades, subtitles, marketability, sugar content, graft and cover art all play an important part of the gnomish selection process.
Friday 1:15 pm: The gnomes have carefully weighed all options and have created a list of potential reviews for Spored to Death's approval.
Friday 1:47 pm: Spored to Death awakens, hung over and weary. After a shower, shave and locating his magical bottle of aspirin, Spored to Death grabs a cup of coffee and heads downstairs to the nerve center of the Spored to Death publishing empire, ie his basement.
Friday 3:11 pm: Spored to Death receives the list, crafted by gnomes, of movies for potential review. The list reads as follows.
1) Gnome chicks gone wild
2) Gnome chicks gone wild 2: Island paradise
3) You've got mail
The gnomes are subsequently fired.
Friday 3:49 pm: Spored to Death rifles through the stacks of DVD's and Video Tapes left on the floor by the gnomes attempts to find potential review materials. Finally, a time honored method is called into play. By closing his eyes and randomly grabbing a title, Spored to Death makes a selection.
Friday 3:50 pm: After grabbing the title "Highlander 2: The Quickening", Spored to Death decides that this movie would be way too easy to review, and further abuse would only be beating a dead horse. The title is discarded and a new movie is selected using the same method.
Friday 3:51 pm: "Hood of the Living Dead" has been selected as the new title for review.
Friday 4:19 pm: Spored to Death wastes time playing video games until "The Damned" can be summoned.
Friday 11:37 pm: Dinner arrives. Mmm... dinner.
Friday/Saturday at Midnight: The Damned are summoned once again to bear witness to the awful craptastic movie for this weeks review. Alcohol is distributed, and all settle in to watch the movie.
Saturday 12:03 am: The suffering begins.
Saturday 12:09 am: Many terrible jokes are made by Spored to Death about the content of the movie, most of which are either terrible puns or thinly veiled sexual innuendo. More alcohol is consumed.
Saturday 12:56 am: Bathroom break. More alcohol is consumed by involved parties.
Saturday morning, exact time unknown: Spored to Death falls asleep watching the movie shown after the "review movie". Usually something just as bad, which will wind up on a later review.
Saturday 2:08 pm: Spored to Death awakens, hung over and weary. After a shower, shave and locating his magical bottle of aspirin, Spored to Death grabs a cup of coffee and heads downstairs to the nerve center of the Spored to Death publishing empire. Today's goal: Research! No good review can be done without research first!
Saturday 3:39 pm: Feeling lazy, Spored to Death hires a research firm to take care of the research and takes the rest of the day off.
Sunday 11:15 am: Spored to Death makes an appointment with the research firm for Monday morning to review the materials that they've acquired.
Monday 10:00 am: Spored to Death greets the two research associates in the Spored to Death publishing offices, wearing his traditional writing garb: a ragged old bathrobe, a pair of flip flops and large sunglasses. Holding a cup of coffee spiked with a little "Irish Creativity", Spored to Death meets with the two research associates to review the information they've gathered about the movie up for review. The following is a transcript of their conversation.
Research associate A: Mr., uhh... Death. We've spent several hours reviewing your website and we have several changes that we'd like to suggest.
Spored to Death: You were supposed to research the movie title I sent you. Where's the information on that?
Research associate A: Oh that? Our research shows that no one is interested in that movie. Its terrible.
Research associate B: We think you'll really like the suggestions we've come to offer you.
Spored to Death: I know its a terrible movie. I watched it. All of it. Can you say the same thing?
(brief pause)
I thought not.
Research associate A: Mr. Death, please hear us out. These changes that we have for you will really help your website grow in popularity.
Spored to Death: Go on...
Research associate A: Well sir, the first thing I noticed on your site is that you don't have any advertisements. We could put ads on your site, increasing revenue 100%. As a matter of fact, I guarantee you will increase your revenue 100%, because your current ad revenue is non-existent.
Research associate B: Our research indicates that if we put ads at the top, on both sides and at the bottom of your website, we can create a... a box, so to speak, that will keep your reviews centered for your readers.
Research associate A: We also feel that we can put ads inside the text of your reviews, so that as the reader scrolls through the review, they will notice the advertisements, further increasing profits.
Research associate B: The ads nestled snugly in the review can even be fitted with scripts or codes that will enlarge the ads when the reader nears perimeter of the ad, and will follow them if they move their mouse within 1000 pixels of the ads. Of course, that might block out a bit of your reviews... but the profits would increase another 200% for you!
Research associate A: Furthermore, we feel that you could also endorse certain products during your reviews to help the readers make up their minds about choosing proven brands when it comes to tough purchases.
Research associate B: Finally, we can install software onto your website that will automatically upload on to the computers of your readers to track their web browsing habits and then give us information about what types of products they might be most interested in buying. This nifty new program costs you nothing, and is installed into the reader's root kit and on several other levels of their computer, ensuring that we can gather the maximum amount of data and thereby provide the best service to all your readers.
Spored to Death: I think I've heard enou...
Research associate A: But wait! There's more!
Research associate B: Our new software not only monitors consumer habits, but obtains credit card and bank data from the readers and automatically sets up an account with our company. As the new potential customer uses their computer, even when not browsing the web, our program launches its own new application offering the customer new products all the time!
Research associate A: The customer only has to click the window anywhere, at any point on the window, even the close button, and the purchase is made! Automatically! The product is shipped to the customer and arrives in about 6-8 weeks, and the customer only has to pay a small finance charge to us for the transaction. Why, if the customer can't afford the product or the finance charge, our software automatically applies for new credit cards for the customer automatically and charges the fees to the new accounts!
Research associate B: So what do you say, Mr. Death? Will you become part of our team?
(long pause)
Spored to Death: Gentlemen. Let me make one thing absolutely clear. I make no money from my website what-so-ever. That is not the point of Spored to Death Publishing. The point of Spored to Death publishing is to provide entertainment to myself and to all my readers. And also possibly to suggest movies that they might find entertaining. That, and nothing more.
Spored to Death: That being said, you have failed me in the one thing that I asked you to do. The one thing, and the only thing that I requested was information on the movie "Hood of the Living Dead". Instead, you bring me this ridiculous idea for flooding my readers with advertisements and transforming my free entertainment into a Capitalistic feeding frenzy for sharks like you.
Spored to Death: I'm gonna have to go with a "No" on this one. In fact, you're not getting paid, because you didn't do what I asked you to.
Research assistant A: Mr. Death, with all due respect, you still have to pay us for services rendered, regardless of how you feel about the research information we've provided.
Spored to Death: Really? Do I? Maybe you guys can be of some use to me after all.
(sound of an intercom buzzer)
Spored to Death: Zombie guards! Attack!
Zombie guards: Braaains! BRAAAAINS!!!
Research associate B: Holy Crap! Zombies! Aaaahhhh!!!
(sounds of a struggle, and then moist chewing sounds)
Monday 10:43 am : Spored to Death fires the research firm.
Monday 11:45 am: After a shower to remove the blood, Spored to Death decides to do research for the movie on his own. Using the advanced power of "the Internet" Spored to Death sets off in search of knowledge.
Monday 12:57 pm: After an hour of trying, it becomes apparent that the Internet has little to offer in the way of material that isn't either someone else's review of this movie or porn.
Monday 1:15 pm: Spored to Death decides that the only way to get information for the movie is to take it from imdb or wikipedia. All else seems pointless. Trivia sections are consulted, cast, crew and budget information is acquired and other useful information about the movie's production is revealed.
Monday 2:19 pm: Spored to Death begins the first draft of the review.
Monday 3:47 pm: Writer's block hits.
Monday 10:15 pm: Writer's block persists. In desperation, Spored to Death eats some "magical" mushrooms.
Time and space meaningless: The walls are covered with crawling chocolate candies. All things in the universe seem probable and everything makes sense.
Later: Things take a turn for the worse when the floating head of Peter Lorre appears. With his forked tongue, Lorre describes the special Hell reserved for movie critics.
Tuesday 10:48 am: Spored to Death awakens to find a large pile of pizza boxes carved up to resemble famous historical figures on his desk. On the computer screen are two large files. One is an almost perfect review for "Hood of the Living Dead". The other is a terrible manuscript detailing a new religion worshiping the floating head of Peter Lorre.
Tuesday 12:19 pm: Spored to Death prints out both the manuscript and the review and leaves them both in the hands of the Spored to Death editing staff. Elated, Spored to Death goes out to get lunch.
Spored to Death Publishing's editor in chief.
Tuesday 2:47 pm: Spored to Death returns to find the review shredded by the mighty claws of his editor. The manuscript remains eerily unscathed.
Tuesday 2:53 pm: Panic. The file that contained the review has become corrupted. The review is lost! Though the research material exists, the review must be written over again completely.
Tuesday 7:19 pm: The first review is lost to the mists of time and memory. A second, substandard review is constructed. As the zero hour approaches, Spored to Death slaps together whatever he can to finish up the review.
Tuesday 9:57 pm: The review is completed, but there is not time for editing. Spored to Death searches the Internet for pictures to post with the review.
Tuesday 10:24 pm: Nothing but more porn. Spored to Death must use technology to take images directly from the movie to post with the review. Using a digital camera and computer monitor, "pictures" are "taken" of the screen, allowing specific scenes to be put into the post.
Tuesday 11:17 pm: The review and images are ported over to the blogspot site. Things refuse to line up correctly, and html editing and cursing ensues.
Tuesday 11:48 pm: The finishing touch, the links, are added to the review.
Wednesday 12:19 am: Already 20 minutes past the deadline, Spored to Death finally publishes the review and calls is a day.
Wednesday 10:53 am: The first comment is posted on the website. Spored to Death gleefully checks to see what his fans have to say about the review.
"You suck" -Anonymous
Spored to Death deletes the comment.
Thursday 11:32 pm: Spored to Death reviews the comments from his fans. Both of them. After faithfully replying to each of his readers, Spored to Death begins drinking heavily.
"Maybe I should quit. Is it really worth all this effort to write these reviews?"
But, no that's defeatist talk, and there will be no more of that. Drunkenly, Spored to Death hires a crew of gnomes to select the movie for the next review.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Mothra vs. Godzilla
Greetings Sporefans, welcome back. I've been reviewing the polls lately and it looks like you've been requesting more reviews about "freaky dead Asian girl movies like Ringu", and more "giant monster movie" reviews, so I checked through my collection and picked out some movies.
I have to admit that most of my Asian horror movies are actually not "B" movies but I have a couple of movies that are actually pretty bad, so I'm dusting them off and watching them again so I can review them. Its not that there aren't bad Asian horror movies out there, but they use some sort of "quality control" when they decide whether or not to port a movie over to the U.S. The nerve of some people!
I may be forced to review a couple of good Asian horror movies if I feel they merit an honorable mention, so keep your eyes peeled. In the mean time, enjoy this week's review of the 1964 movie "Mothra vs. Godzilla".
Way back when I first started writing I said (and I quote):
"Many of us have flipped through the cable channels at some late hour of night and had to pick the least of evils in desperation. Movies that most people wouldn't even consider reading about suddenly become palatable under these dire circumstances." -Me.
When I wrote that, I was specifically thinking of Toho's giant monster movies. As a young fungi, I frequently stayed awake late at night, or woke up early on Sunday mornings to watch Godzilla, Mothra and numerous other giant monsters who battled each other over and over through the years. There's just something about Kaiju (giant monsters) that dredges up feelings of nostalgia and lost Sunday mornings that no other relic of the past can.
For those of you who haven't seen this movie, its about a news reporter Ichiro Sakai (played by Akira Takarada) and Photographer Junko 'Yoka' Nakanishi (played by Yuriko Hoshi) covering the story of a giant monster egg which washes up on the shore of a small village in Japan. A businessman named Kumayama (Yoshifumi Tajima) buys the egg and plans to open an tourist attraction and charge people money to view the monster egg.
Akira Takarada and Yuriko Hoshi prepare to take a picture.
Kumayama's ambitions are hindered by two factors. The first is a pair of 9 inch tall Japanese girls who ask Kumayama to return the monster egg to their island. Kumiyama and his cohort, the sleazy CEO of "Happy Enterprises" Shiro Torahata (Kenji Sahara) refuse and try to capture the diminutive pair.
Emi and Yumi Ito play tiny twins with really silly hats.
The second factor hindering Kumayama's ambition is significantly harder to overcome, as it comes in the form of a 300 foot tall, radioactive, fire breathing lizard who punishes mankind for using nuclear weapons. No, its not famous actor Raymond Burr, its Godzilla.
At this point the American military tries to stop Godzilla using their new "frontier missiles". Unfortunately for them, they hired the laser gunner from Spaceballs.
The reporter, his photographer and Professor Miura (Hiroshi Koizumi) travel to Mothra Island to ask the natives for the help of their giant moth monster to defeat Godzilla. Meanwhile, the Japanese military prepares their predictably ineffective plans to try and stop Godzilla. To their credit, the military actually devises 3 plans, which look something like this:
Plan A: Shoot Godzilla with lightning from our special electrical towers.
Operation B: Using the latest advancements in "net technology", drop highly conductive "nets" onto Godzilla. Then shoot him with lightning again. Should this plan fail because of our Commander's hubris, move one to...
The latest in "Net Technology".
Plan C: Run away screaming like little girls.
Back on Mothra Island the heroic trio try to persuade a village of people with funny hats to ask their giant moth god to save them from Godzilla. The chief (who is easily distinguished by having the biggest and funniest hat) argues that his people should not help, as their island was subjected to atomic testing... except for that one spot where there's absolute paradise right smack in the middle of the island... but ignore that part.
King on the Island of silly hats!
Eventually the psychic girls convince Mothra to help save humanity. This kind of develops into a spin off, as Mothra movies from this point on depict Mothra as the savior of humainty who uses the power of love to protect the planet and other crap like that. Apparently there's something about poisonous star fish and King Ghidorah eating children or something.
Ever get drunk and wake up next to a strange egg? I know I have.
So in the end, big monster fight, Mothra dies, the egg hatches and 2 larvae come out and cover Godzilla with silly string. Godzilla gets all dizzy and falls into the ocean, defeating him once and for all!
An unintended bonus, in this scene we can actually see Godzilla catch fire. No actors were harmed in the making of this out take.
Oh, wait. That's not right. That's not right at all.
In any event, Mothra vs. Godzilla is chock full of awesomeness. Not just the awesomeness on screen, but a crap load of hidden awesomeness as well. For starters, most of the cast of this movie is still alive today... and working! Particularly awesome is Akira Takarada, who was not only the reporter in this movie, but the reporter in the original 1954 Godzilla movie and the U.N. Secretary General in the last Godzilla movie. That means that Akira Takarada has been in Godzilla movies for as long as there have been Godzilla movies.
While you cover the story of the giant egg, I'm going to eat eggs. In fact, I'm going to eat them all movie.
You may want to wait a while after I get out of the bathroom though.
Another interesting tidbit is that the tiny twins are not only twins, but they were actually a band called "The Peanuts". They retired in 1975, and can now be found somewhere in Japan and are probably slightly larger then they were in the movie.
If your up late and you happen to be flipping through the channels and this comes on, watch it. If you have kids, wake them up and watch it with them, and pass on the tradition. Long gone may be the rabbit ears on top of the TV that needed constant adjusting to see the movie clearly, but the fun is still there.
Get out of bed! Godzilla movies are on! Get up! Get up! Get up!
But if you watching on cable late at night you may want to just record the movie for the kids on tape. That way you can edit out all those late night phone sex ads that are on now before they watch it, lest you warp their precious little minds.
PS, have a video.
I have to admit that most of my Asian horror movies are actually not "B" movies but I have a couple of movies that are actually pretty bad, so I'm dusting them off and watching them again so I can review them. Its not that there aren't bad Asian horror movies out there, but they use some sort of "quality control" when they decide whether or not to port a movie over to the U.S. The nerve of some people!
I may be forced to review a couple of good Asian horror movies if I feel they merit an honorable mention, so keep your eyes peeled. In the mean time, enjoy this week's review of the 1964 movie "Mothra vs. Godzilla".
Way back when I first started writing I said (and I quote):
"Many of us have flipped through the cable channels at some late hour of night and had to pick the least of evils in desperation. Movies that most people wouldn't even consider reading about suddenly become palatable under these dire circumstances." -Me.
When I wrote that, I was specifically thinking of Toho's giant monster movies. As a young fungi, I frequently stayed awake late at night, or woke up early on Sunday mornings to watch Godzilla, Mothra and numerous other giant monsters who battled each other over and over through the years. There's just something about Kaiju (giant monsters) that dredges up feelings of nostalgia and lost Sunday mornings that no other relic of the past can.
For those of you who haven't seen this movie, its about a news reporter Ichiro Sakai (played by Akira Takarada) and Photographer Junko 'Yoka' Nakanishi (played by Yuriko Hoshi) covering the story of a giant monster egg which washes up on the shore of a small village in Japan. A businessman named Kumayama (Yoshifumi Tajima) buys the egg and plans to open an tourist attraction and charge people money to view the monster egg.
Akira Takarada and Yuriko Hoshi prepare to take a picture.
Kumayama's ambitions are hindered by two factors. The first is a pair of 9 inch tall Japanese girls who ask Kumayama to return the monster egg to their island. Kumiyama and his cohort, the sleazy CEO of "Happy Enterprises" Shiro Torahata (Kenji Sahara) refuse and try to capture the diminutive pair.
Emi and Yumi Ito play tiny twins with really silly hats.
The second factor hindering Kumayama's ambition is significantly harder to overcome, as it comes in the form of a 300 foot tall, radioactive, fire breathing lizard who punishes mankind for using nuclear weapons. No, its not famous actor Raymond Burr, its Godzilla.
At this point the American military tries to stop Godzilla using their new "frontier missiles". Unfortunately for them, they hired the laser gunner from Spaceballs.
The reporter, his photographer and Professor Miura (Hiroshi Koizumi) travel to Mothra Island to ask the natives for the help of their giant moth monster to defeat Godzilla. Meanwhile, the Japanese military prepares their predictably ineffective plans to try and stop Godzilla. To their credit, the military actually devises 3 plans, which look something like this:
Plan A: Shoot Godzilla with lightning from our special electrical towers.
Operation B: Using the latest advancements in "net technology", drop highly conductive "nets" onto Godzilla. Then shoot him with lightning again. Should this plan fail because of our Commander's hubris, move one to...
The latest in "Net Technology".
Plan C: Run away screaming like little girls.
Back on Mothra Island the heroic trio try to persuade a village of people with funny hats to ask their giant moth god to save them from Godzilla. The chief (who is easily distinguished by having the biggest and funniest hat) argues that his people should not help, as their island was subjected to atomic testing... except for that one spot where there's absolute paradise right smack in the middle of the island... but ignore that part.
King on the Island of silly hats!
Eventually the psychic girls convince Mothra to help save humanity. This kind of develops into a spin off, as Mothra movies from this point on depict Mothra as the savior of humainty who uses the power of love to protect the planet and other crap like that. Apparently there's something about poisonous star fish and King Ghidorah eating children or something.
Ever get drunk and wake up next to a strange egg? I know I have.
So in the end, big monster fight, Mothra dies, the egg hatches and 2 larvae come out and cover Godzilla with silly string. Godzilla gets all dizzy and falls into the ocean, defeating him once and for all!
An unintended bonus, in this scene we can actually see Godzilla catch fire. No actors were harmed in the making of this out take.
Oh, wait. That's not right. That's not right at all.
In any event, Mothra vs. Godzilla is chock full of awesomeness. Not just the awesomeness on screen, but a crap load of hidden awesomeness as well. For starters, most of the cast of this movie is still alive today... and working! Particularly awesome is Akira Takarada, who was not only the reporter in this movie, but the reporter in the original 1954 Godzilla movie and the U.N. Secretary General in the last Godzilla movie. That means that Akira Takarada has been in Godzilla movies for as long as there have been Godzilla movies.
While you cover the story of the giant egg, I'm going to eat eggs. In fact, I'm going to eat them all movie.
You may want to wait a while after I get out of the bathroom though.
Another interesting tidbit is that the tiny twins are not only twins, but they were actually a band called "The Peanuts". They retired in 1975, and can now be found somewhere in Japan and are probably slightly larger then they were in the movie.
If your up late and you happen to be flipping through the channels and this comes on, watch it. If you have kids, wake them up and watch it with them, and pass on the tradition. Long gone may be the rabbit ears on top of the TV that needed constant adjusting to see the movie clearly, but the fun is still there.
Get out of bed! Godzilla movies are on! Get up! Get up! Get up!
But if you watching on cable late at night you may want to just record the movie for the kids on tape. That way you can edit out all those late night phone sex ads that are on now before they watch it, lest you warp their precious little minds.
PS, have a video.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Head to Head: Cinematic Sin
Greetings Sporefans. Today I've decided to resurrect the old "Head to Head" segment of the Tome. And just like a zombie, Head to Head craves brains.
Yours.
Don't worry though, unlike zombies, the Head to Head segment only wants you to use your brain. There won't be any brain eating. At least, not today.
So here's this week's question: Who has committed the biggest Cinematic Sin?
Our first contestant is Joel Schumacher with the 1997 movie "Batman & Robin".
Contestant number 2 (how appropriate) is Roland Emmerich for his 1998 movie rendition of "Godzilla".
Who will it be Sporefans? Click below to choose who you think has committed the biggest Cinematic Sin!
Yours.
Don't worry though, unlike zombies, the Head to Head segment only wants you to use your brain. There won't be any brain eating. At least, not today.
So here's this week's question: Who has committed the biggest Cinematic Sin?
Our first contestant is Joel Schumacher with the 1997 movie "Batman & Robin".
Contestant number 2 (how appropriate) is Roland Emmerich for his 1998 movie rendition of "Godzilla".
Who will it be Sporefans? Click below to choose who you think has committed the biggest Cinematic Sin!
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Black Sheep
Greetings Sporefans. This week I'm doing an extra special review. That's right, for the first time ever I'm going to review a movie that I thought was great before I saw it, and was actually good. Now, lets keep in mind that my standards for "great" are a bit skewed, but in my humble opinion, this is the movie of the year. This year, skip "Transformers", "Live Free or Die Hard" can die hard at the box office (although I'll pick it up on DVD), and Spiderman can go play with his web shooters. This year's blockbuster sleeper hit is "Black Sheep"!
Get ready for some sheep jokes. Baaaaa-d ones.
Black Sheep is an independent movie produced and shot in beautiful New Zealand. New Zealand, as we all know, is where director Peter Jackson shot the "Lord of the Rings" Trilogy. What many of you may not know is that before the Rings movies, Peter Jackson also directed several horror movies, including "Braindead" or "Dead-Alive", which is a gory zombie movie set in New Zealand. Weta Workshops, the same crew that did the effects for the Lord of the Rings movies also did the effects for this movie. And if you liked Dead-Alive, ewe're going to love this movie.
Get it.... ewe?
.....
Tough crowd here tonight.
Black Sheep is about a man named Henry Oldfield (played by Nathan Meister), an ex-farmer's son who now has an irrational fear of sheep. He returns to the family farm to let his brother, Angus Oldfield (played by Peter Feeney) buy off his half of the family farm. Little does Henry know that Angus has been conducting genetic experiments on sheep over the last few years, and has created a new type of sheep... with a taste for blood!
The new face of fear!
If killer sheep weren't enough to sell you on this movie, whenever a human is bitten by a sheep and survives the encounter, they begin to change into a sheep person. These "Sheeple" or "Were-sheep" also crave the flesh of non-sheep creatures, and are frequently depicted as torn between their remaining humanity and the growing woolly beast that lurks inside... well mostly outside actually...
OK. Lets skip the inner turmoil and over analysing this week. They're killer were-sheep that walk on hind legs and eat people. How can you top that? No need to get bogged down with sub-themes, "Black Sheep" is a simple, good, gory movie about killer sheep.
This movie is chock full of great scenes. Writer/Director Johnathan King took great advantage of the rolling countryside of New Zealand and one of the best shots in the movie was a flock of killer sheep sweeping down a hill to descend upon a "flock" of unwitting investors. The main characters watch as the woolly terror unleashes its furry fury upon crowed of woolen-clad investors in a storm of senseless gore and violence.
Noooo! My new suit!
I don't want to spoil too much, but, the sheep's ultimate demise is related to an article I commented on over at SuperMegaMonkey. If you're interested in a bit of a spoiler, click here for the article (and my commentary of course).
That's it for this week Sporefans. If this movie is playing in a theater near you, go see it. If not, you may be able to order it on On-Demand if your cable provider has the Sundance Channel or IFC. But whether you get a "flock" of people together to go to the theater or if you stay home and "shear" the experience with some close friends, go see this movie. I promise that "ewe" won't have a baaaa-d time.
Get ready for some sheep jokes. Baaaaa-d ones.
Black Sheep is an independent movie produced and shot in beautiful New Zealand. New Zealand, as we all know, is where director Peter Jackson shot the "Lord of the Rings" Trilogy. What many of you may not know is that before the Rings movies, Peter Jackson also directed several horror movies, including "Braindead" or "Dead-Alive", which is a gory zombie movie set in New Zealand. Weta Workshops, the same crew that did the effects for the Lord of the Rings movies also did the effects for this movie. And if you liked Dead-Alive, ewe're going to love this movie.
Get it.... ewe?
.....
Tough crowd here tonight.
Black Sheep is about a man named Henry Oldfield (played by Nathan Meister), an ex-farmer's son who now has an irrational fear of sheep. He returns to the family farm to let his brother, Angus Oldfield (played by Peter Feeney) buy off his half of the family farm. Little does Henry know that Angus has been conducting genetic experiments on sheep over the last few years, and has created a new type of sheep... with a taste for blood!
The new face of fear!
If killer sheep weren't enough to sell you on this movie, whenever a human is bitten by a sheep and survives the encounter, they begin to change into a sheep person. These "Sheeple" or "Were-sheep" also crave the flesh of non-sheep creatures, and are frequently depicted as torn between their remaining humanity and the growing woolly beast that lurks inside... well mostly outside actually...
OK. Lets skip the inner turmoil and over analysing this week. They're killer were-sheep that walk on hind legs and eat people. How can you top that? No need to get bogged down with sub-themes, "Black Sheep" is a simple, good, gory movie about killer sheep.
This movie is chock full of great scenes. Writer/Director Johnathan King took great advantage of the rolling countryside of New Zealand and one of the best shots in the movie was a flock of killer sheep sweeping down a hill to descend upon a "flock" of unwitting investors. The main characters watch as the woolly terror unleashes its furry fury upon crowed of woolen-clad investors in a storm of senseless gore and violence.
Noooo! My new suit!
I don't want to spoil too much, but, the sheep's ultimate demise is related to an article I commented on over at SuperMegaMonkey. If you're interested in a bit of a spoiler, click here for the article (and my commentary of course).
That's it for this week Sporefans. If this movie is playing in a theater near you, go see it. If not, you may be able to order it on On-Demand if your cable provider has the Sundance Channel or IFC. But whether you get a "flock" of people together to go to the theater or if you stay home and "shear" the experience with some close friends, go see this movie. I promise that "ewe" won't have a baaaa-d time.
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