Monday, July 31, 2006

Contest

Well, I was going to have a review up tonight, but Blogger seems to be having issues with uploading pictures, so it will be postponed until after the contest. I was going to start the contest next week and take the following two weekends off in honor of getting a year older and subsequently one year closer to the grave whose ebon maw yearns to feast upon my bones. No! Not my bones! Noooooo!!!!

Ahem.

Which brings me to this contest. "What contest?" you say? Well I haven't explained it yet. Stop being so impatient you whipper-snappers.

The following contest it open to all. Simply describe the most ridiculous and embarrassing way that you can think of to die. You may enter as many times as you want. If you're going to submit multiple entries, try and submit them in the same post, but there's no limit to how many times you can enter. Its just easier on my ancient eyes.

Also, if you don't have a Blogger account, just leave your usual screen name at the bottom of the comment. We'll try and figure out who's who and what's what at the end. All questions can be addressed to the official Spored to Death email account located in my profile. Hint, it's spored_to_death@hotmail.com . OK, so that's not a hint, I just told you the email. I'm bad at hints.

The contest will run until Friday, August 11th and I will pick the winner on August 12th.

Oh and to make you all think harder and to keep this clean, nothing above an "R" motion picture rating. Keep your filthy, filthy ideas to yourselves. I'll only put up with your filthy ideas, but I draw the line at filthy, filthy ideas. So no giant stone Incan phalluses raining down from the heavens and the like. I mean, think of the children who read these.

Because that's who I'll get to pick the winner. The children.

Anyway, there will be some sort of prize. I haven't determined the prize yet, but I'll think of some type of pittance. Maybe candy. Delicious, delicious candy. Or some type of pin or shirt or something. I don't know, I get to that part later. Maybe I'll tailor the prize to the winner, so if I don't like you I'll send you something bad. Like a package of pop rocks and some soda to snort.

And to get you all started, here's a small example:

"To be simultaniously strangled, electrocuted and trampled in a sheep shearing accident."

Now show the world how twisted you can be! And get off my damn lawn, you kids!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Don't look in the Basement!



Welcome back Spore fans. No doubt you can't wait for another exciting movie review. Either that, or you're just kind of bored and have nothing better to do. Either way, you're here, and I'm reviewing "Don't look in the Basement!", a classic hailing all the way back from 1973 (also known as "The Forgotten" and "Death Ward #13").





Let me tell you a little story about how I came across this movie. I was shopping in the local video store in the $10 or less aisle, when I noticed this 4 pack of movies. Doing some rough math in my head, then on paper, then with a solar powered calculator, a TI-84 graphing calculator and Excel, I found that the average value of each of these movies was roughly $681.93. Then I asked the clerk who said $2.50 for each movie.

"Two dollars and fifty cents for each movie?" I shouted, attracting the attention of everyone in the store. "Damn, these movies have got to absolutely suck! I'll take them!" So with my discounted cinema, I exited the store. OK, so I got thrown out for shouting, my point being that these were some cheap movies and I had no illusions about what I was getting into.




Dr. Why did you give that mental patient an axe? Also, you might want to move two feet to your left really soon.






Imagine my dismay when "Don't look in the Basement" actually turned out to be a pretty decent movie. Gah! That's not what I paid for! But alas, the money was already spent. That and the other movies in the set were pretty good.

Now when I see a title like "Don't look in the Basement", I'm expecting some horrible creature or zombie to be in said basement. But there is no supernatural force in this movie. Just a whole lot of crazy people. The movie is set in an old house that's being used as a new age (in the 70's anyway) sanitarium. Patients and doctors live together in harmony with no locks on the doors and no separation between inmates. So things are pretty peaceful, except for all the killing and maiming going on.



One of these two women are going to get naked in the movie. But which one? You'll have to watch it to find out!






Now there are some moments in "Basement" that are pretty bad and by proxy, memorable. My personal favorite is one scene where a man is beaten to death by a toy boat. But overall, its a pretty good and realistic movie.

Don't expect to see any big name actors or actresses in this one, as most of them went on to become extras in Logan's Run. Although, Hugh Feagin went on to such great shows as "Walker, Texan Ranger" (WARNING: Watching "Walker, Texas Ranger" may cause blood to leak from your eyes and cause permanent brain damage resulting in a loss of all logic and some motor skills). Another actor, Robert Dracup went on to become a gaffer. Rosie Holotik, the stereotypical sane, hot nurse surrounded by crazies went on to become an extra on a Perry Mason movie. See, Raymond Burr takes care of his fellow B-movie thespians (Bride of the Gorilla, anyone else see it? I thought not).




Hot and sane? What are the odds?!






So overall, this movie was a good deal. I strongly recommend it over, say, being lobotomized. Definitely a diamond in the rough. Unlike what I have in mind for next week. Tune in then to see how much worse things could be.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Godzilla 2000

I have a confession to make. I'm a huge Godzilla fan. I love to watch Godzilla movies, and I can pretty much sit around all day watching them.

There is, of course, one exception to that rule. That wretched miscarriage starring Mathew Broderick. That abomination should have been aborted by the film company in the back seat of a 79' Chevy Nova in the studio parking lot with a rusty wire hanger. Luckily, I'm not going to review that vile sideshow freak of a movie born from the mind of Roland Emmerich. How could I after I saw this on imdb: "Roland Emmerich admitted that he did not like the original Godzilla movies - he only agreed to the project after being promised to be able to do what ever he wanted with the series." I'll leave his movie where it belongs, writhing in a pile of its own filth.

And Roland, if you're reading this: screw you.

Now I know what you're thinking. How can a movie that cost only $1 million be superior to a movie that cost $130 million? Doesn't more money mean a better movie?

No Virginia, it does not.

In any event, Godzilla 2000 is everything that a Godzilla movie should be (pay attention Rol, maybe you'll learn something). To wit: you have a guy in a rubber suit, stomping on Tokyo, breathing fire and fighting another guy in a rubber suit. Also, you get an insane military commander hell bent on destroying the King of the Monsters, aliens hell bent on eating Godzilla to absorb his powers, and product placement out the wazoo.



Time for a hug.







Godzilla isn't about fancy-scmancy CGI effects and big named actors. Godzilla is about simple struggles of good and evil, about the Japanese people being masochistically philosophical about a 400 ton nuclear monster that crushes their cities, and its about really bad amateur pro-wrestling. In the world of Godzilla, good always wins, humanity's hubris is punished, and construction companies make HUGE amounts of money rebuilding Japan.

Old school fans of Godzilla will notice that the big green guy is noticeably meaner looking now. The suit started changing with the start of the Heisei or VS series (starting with Godzilla 1984) of movies, presenting Godzilla as a bigger, meaner, actually frightening looking monster. Godzilla 2000, first of the "Millennium Series" takes the new look a step further, and for the first time in any of the movies, Godzilla is actually green.

With the new look comes a new attitude. Gone are the days were Godzilla is the lovable, goofy protector of Japan. The new Godzilla is here for one reason, and one reason only: To kick ass. Gone are the fights in barren wastelands. Now most of the battles take place in populated areas resulting in casualties. Monsters who used to just roar in agony and fall over after being hit with Godzilla's radioactive breath, now explode into flames and die horribly.

If you've never been a fan of giant monster movies, you'll probably never understand the joy of watching one of your favorite childhood memories adapt and succeed to the changing times. But something tells me that you might be a closet Godzilla fan. You don't want to admit it, but somewhere deep down inside, you like watching a man in a rubber suit stomp on finely crafted models. Late at night you when you claim that you're not tired, I know you're watching. Alone in the dark pre-dawn hours after every one else is safely and snugly tucked in to bed, you change the channel to watch the big green guy stomp mercilessly all over the small screen.

You know you do.
















And someday, you'll admit it.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Zardoz
















For those of you who haven't seen Zardoz, its a movie about a post -apocalyptic future where humans are stratified into 3 classes: Poor slobs, killers, and immortal superhuman psychic hippies who live in domes under the control of a supercomputer. Confused? We haven't even started.

I mean, I didn't even talk about the floating head that spits guns out of its mouth.

But in order to really appreciate the... goodness of this movie, you have to take into account who stars in it. And that would be Sean Connery.

Somehow, when Mr. Connery accepts his award for lifetime achievement from the American Film Institute, I don't think they'll be showing clips from this movie. I could be wrong, but it doesn't look like his finest achievement.

So in honor of Mr. Connery's award, I decided that it would be a great idea to interview him. Sadly, Mr. Connery was unavailable to be interviewed by a meager blogger like myself. So I did the next best thing.

I found a Sean Connery impersonator.

Hopefully, through channeling the spirit of Connery and the heavy use of drugs, I got what I hoped were approximations of the answers that Sean Connery would give in an interview.

Also, in order to comply with Blogger's policies, I'm forced to remove all obscenities that were used in the interview. In their place you will find the words Spore, Spored or Sporing. I believe that all of my readers with their lovably filthy minds will be able to interpret which "colorful anecdote" was used. Plus I get to rip off the Smurfs.

So without further ado, here's my "interview" with "Mr. Connery".

SPORED TO DEATH: So “Mr. Connery”, how was your trip in?

"Mr. Connery": The accommodations were disastrous. I’m an important man Spore damn it and sending me on a flight that has a stop over in that city from hostel was unacceptable. But I did kill a man on my way here. He kept yammering on the plane, so I cut off his head and sucked out his powers. There can only be one you know!

SPORED TO DEATH: So we’re reviewing the movie “Zardoz”.

"Mr. Connery": What now?

SPORED TO DEATH: How do you feel about this movie?

"Mr. Connery":Oh right, the barbarian movie. Well it was chance to work with John Boorman. Now this guy directed Deliverance. That movie with Burt Reynolds, hicks and butt love, and I thought yes this movie can have all of that greatness and me. Which would make the greatness level rise to even greater levels.

SPORED TO DEATH: Why is that?

"Mr. Connery": Cause the opportunity was there. Barbarians + future world + Connery = greatness.

SPORED TO DEATH: So I hear you took this role because it was hard to find work after doing the James Bond films. Is that true?

"Mr. Connery": I was at the top of my game after James Bond. I was turning down roles left and right. Once, I said "I’m not doing this Spore" straight to a Warner brothers guys’ face. I then said "see ya suckers" and I shot out of the office with the rocket jet strapped to my back.

SPORED TO DEATH: So in one scene, you actually shoot the director, John Boorman, who’s portraying a farmer. How did that feel?

"Mr. Connery": The feel of really killing man is so awesome. When I do it on film it kind of makes up for not doing it for real, but not really.

SPORED TO DEATH: What about the floating head that spews out guns? What did you think of that? Y’know, "Zardoz" himself.

"Mr. Connery": What now? I was drunk at the time. But by the sound of that, the Boorman must have been wasted 24/7.

SPORED TO DEATH: What do you think of Zardoz’s philosophy of “The penis is bad, the gun is good”?

"Mr. Connery": I believe both are good for shooting. Particularly at women. P.S.: Me? Not gay.

SPORED TO DEATH: So what was your favorite scene in this movie? Was it the one where you impregnated 20 women while simultaneously absorbing all the knowledge of the human civilization through osmosis?

"Mr. Connery": I already have the knowledge. I just wanted to impregnate the 20 women. I wish Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass was one of them. P.S. Me? Not gay.

SPORED TO DEATH: You keep saying that. If that's true then why did you let them braid your chest hair?

"Mr. Connery": To make me look manlier. Which is an insane level of manliness.

SPORED TO DEATH: All right, moving on. So what about that line “Stay behind my aura!”?
"Mr. Connery": Was dubbed in post. Original line was stay behind my ass.

SPORED TO DEATH: If they were going to remake this movie, or make a sequel, would you be interested in playing the role of Arthur Frayn, better known as Zardoz?

"Mr. Connery": I rather play Sporing Aquaman Spore damn it! Dude talks to fish.

SPORED TO DEATH: Don’t you think that you’re a little too old to play Zed?

"Mr. Connery": Some say I can still play a 40 year old. The women still love me. Hell, the loincloth still fits.

SPORED TO DEATH: You kept the loincloth?

"Mr. Connery": I always try to keep some trinkets from these movies. From Entrapment I keep the laser beam Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass went under.




"Hell, the loincloth still fits." -"Mr. Connery"







SPORED TO DEATH: This movie has nothing to do with Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass. Why do you keep bringing it up?

"Mr. Connery": Trust me, that fine ass is something to be worshipped. Particularly when its going under a laser beam. Do you believe the ass should go under the laser beam? Or maybe a laser ass! Now that would be something! I'd just love to see that, wouldn't you?

SPORED TO DEATH: No, I wouldn't. I don’t believe in laser asses, or that they would be a good idea. What kind of a ridiculous question is that?

"Mr. Connery": Trying to think up ideas for my next bond movie. That Brosnan guy wimped out on them. I figure its only a matter of time before they come crawling back to me.

SPORED TO DEATH: Oh I get it. You mean asses in laser beams. Wait, what?

"Mr. Connery": Hmmmm……ass….laser beam. Yesss.....

SPORED TO DEATH: I think we should change the subject. This is getting a little out of hand. What would the children who read this blog think?

"Mr. Connery": The illiteracy rate is so high in American schools, I wouldn’t worry about young children reading anything. I mean, Hell, if I made some kind of mechano-mother with exploding nipples, and put up a big sign that said "DO NOT BREASTFEED! WARNING! EXPLOSIVE NIPPLES!", the little Sporing rats would do it anyway.

SPORED TO DEATH: What are you talking about? There’s no such thing as explosive nipples.

"Mr. Connery": Tell that to Goldfinger.

SPORED TO DEATH: (sigh) So in conclusion, would you recommend Zardoz as a movie for people to watch?

"Mr. Connery": If they can’t find Highlander 2: the Quickening at Blockbuster… Then yes.

SPORED TO DEATH: Why do you have a rubber duck in a sweater with you? Never mind. I really don’t want to know.

"Mr. Connery": It keeps me warm and sa…..fffffe.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Update

This week's post will be a little late, but it will be something special. Also, in the coming week's I hope to review the one movie I've never been able to get through. Actually, even I can't watch more than 15 minutes of it. But I'll get through it all, for you guys. Most of you know what movie I'm talking about. Don't spoil it for the rest of them.

Anyway, the coming review will be for the movie "Zardoz". Sorry for the delay.