Monday, July 28, 2008

Dee Snider's StrangeLand

Welcome back Sporefans. I must admit that today's review is a strange one indeed. Not because the movie was so strange. There was no subject in this movie that hadn't already been touched upon more explicitly by an episode of TV's CSI. No, today's review is strange because we are posing a question; a question about the author and main actor of this movie. For today, we're reviewing Dee Snider's Strangeland; and I must put fourth the following: Is Dee Snider a genius, or a moron?













At first this might seem like a simple question to answer, but lets examine the movie before we jump to any conclusions. Strangeland is about a man who goes by the name of "Captain Howdy", who is played by none other than Dee Snider himself. Captain Howdy (who's real name is Carleton Hendricks apparently), lurks about the Internet hoping to lure teens to his creepy old house. Once there he tortures the teens in an attempt to show them enlightenment through pain. Wait, wasn't that the plot to Hellraiser?

Keep in mind that this movie was released in 1998, and that means that it was written and shot around 1996 or 1997. This is when the Internet was expanding and people were starting to think that going online was "cool". Only a scant few years before this, people thought that the Internet was a magic place where people could mentally merge with computers. Ten years prior to that concept, people thought that any computer was full of tiny people who lived tiny virtual lives while you played video games. With a few minor setbacks, the movie concept of the Internet has progressed toward a more realistic portrayal of what the Internet actually was at that time: a place where people go to look at naked pictures and generally act perverted on dial up. In this regard, Dee Snider is a true genius, showing the American viewing audience what AOL's hourly rate was all about.

Unfortunately that wasn't his intention; but even a blind man hits the baseball once in a while.












Captain Howdy certainly lies about himself on the Internet. He is obviously neither a pirate nor a cowboy.


No Snider's true intention, or at least the one that seemed apparent when watching the film, was to introduce Americans to some sort of BDSM underground culture; a culture that seeks revelation through inflicting pain on themselves (or others) while rejecting the conventions of modern society; a culture that also only seems to exist in Hollywood movies. Seriously, after you've seen a bunch of wire-heads hanging out in a bar in Johnny Mnemonic, a bunch of Vampires hanging out in a slightly better bar in Blade, or a bunch of party-goers hanging out all over New York City in Strange Days; then watching Dee Snider hang from his nipples by meat hooks surrounded by rejects from the Mad Max movies isn't that shocking or original. In fact, the concept of bars that cater to counter culture are so popular in movies that they often destroy the counter culture that they seek to emulate; or at the very least commercialize it. I could name countless other examples, like the rave scene from The Crow, but I think we're getting off topic. The point I'm trying to make is that Hollywood thinks that we party way harder than we do; but only people with money can get a party like the one's depicted in films off the ground. Legally, anyway.

The fact that the counter culture exists was not meant to be the most shocking point of this movie. The throngs of pierced masses all attend these functions of their own accord; but Captain Howdy forgets all about safety words when he abducts the teens and subjects them to unnecessary piercings which may or may not be sterile. The principle terror in this movie comes from Captain Howdy's torture of these (so called, but most likely not) teens; but his motives are not to harm them, but to give them enlightenment and welcome them into the world of fake underground BDSM cults.










Captain Howdy really does hang out with the wrong crowd.


Unfortunately we know this because he spends a great deal of time in the movie spouting out ridiculous self-righteous monologues about becoming enlightened through pain. I guess that's how he justifies shoving a large needle through a guy's "special parts", or hanging Robert Englund by his nipples. Did I mention that Robert Englund was in this movie? Ironically the man once cast as a serial killer/phantom who kills teens in their sleep is now playing a redneck who is angry at a guy who kidnaps teenagers and does horrible things to them. But I digress...

After about twenty minutes of Captain Howdy preaching to his captive audience, all of whom have had their mouths sewn shut so they couldn't drown out his horrible monologues with their screams; it became very apparent that Strangeland is about 65 minute too long. But wait! Detective Mike Gage (played by Kevin Gage: what a stretch) bursts in on Captain Howdy while Howdy is torturing little Genevieve Gage (played by Linda Cardellini). He manages to arrest Howdy, and the movie looks like its about to wrap up.

30 minutes in.










Detective Gage learns about "the Internet".


But wait! In true 1980's music video and movie fashion, Captain Howdy is found not guilty by reason of insanity and remanded to the care of a mental health facility; where, with the help of some happy little pills, Captain Howdy changes from a demented, pierced and tattooed psychopath into a mild mannered nerd complete with sweater vest and glasses. For some unknown reason he decides to move back into his old home, which has now been vandalized by angry townspeople. The townspeople are so angry, in fact, that they try to hang poor reformed Carleton from a tree. This fails, of course, and the repressed Captain Howdy once again emerges from Carleton's psyche to hang more people from their nipples.










Angry townsfolk run over Carleton's happy pills. Can you say symbolism boys and girls?


Without a doubt, this movie is terrible. I do not recommend most people attempt to watch it, as it will cause you undo pain. But, there lies the crux of my dilemma, for I can't help but wonder if the point of this movie was to cause its viewers pain. Are we, the audience, to be enlightened by the pain of having to watch this movie? If so, would that make Dee Snider a genius? Or is he a moron who just got lucky? Well, today Sporefans, you get to decide in our latest Spored to Death Publishing poll.



I must admit, even after enduring the pain of this movie, I don't feel enlightened at all. However, I can't share the pain because I can't find the trailer for this movie. But I can think of a way that people can reach enlightenment without the painful torture of painful torture. Don't believe me? Just listen to this kid:



Enlightenment in a bottle. See you next week. And take that large green chicken with you when you go, it's freakin' me out man.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace

The first sentence, Sporefans, is undoubtedly the most important sentence in any novel. Luckily I'm writing a movie review, so it doesn't matter quite so much. I speak much about words now, because last week I installed google analytics on the Spored to Death tome to see if anyone has actually been reading this blog. Apparently, what matters on the Internet is not what words you type, but the pictures and keywords you have on your site. I say this because most people who aren't on the Spored to Death mailing list find my site by using google image searches. Their keywords draw their gaze to this dark... well dark green corner of the web. Keywords like "lloyd garner" moron, garth marenghi's dark place region 1 dvd and things stuck in peoples anus's.

Hey, I don't judge. And I can think of two reviews (namely Manthing and Anus Magillicutty) where there are major themes of things stuck in peoples anuses. Besides, I'm just happy people are looking at my website, even if it is only for a second, and only to see if there are strange things stuck in people's backsides.

By the way, there are no pictures of that here. Only words. Bland, boring words; which only allude to the object/butt interaction that some of you apparently so crave. Don't give up though, I hear that there are many places out there that cater to your butt lust. For you few who are not satisfied with movie review fare, I urge you, search elsewhere.

But come back and read the review when you're done.

But enough about people's butts. There will be no more dereliction of booty around here! It is now time to get down to business with this week's review. In hindsight I should have gone straight into the review, but in the end I couldn't help but be tempted by the opportunity to make a few cheap shots at the unsuspecting backside of humor.














This week we'll be taking a look at Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace. Harry Knuckles is brought to you by the people who gave us Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter... and the letter C. Back in the day, I reviewed Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter and found it to be a great movie. Now, with a budget of $50,000 Canadian dollars (about $49,000 American) Lee Demarbe, Ian Driscoll and Phil Caracas once again set out on the high seas of movie making. But will the cast and crew from J.C.V.H. be able to once again plunder American DVD dollars away from the likes of Stargate: Atlantis season 4, the unrated edition of The Ruins, and Sleepwalking. Or will Hollywood once again successfully keep our Canadian friends from plundering their DVD booty?










Lloyd Kaufman and Phil Caracas get a drink together while contemplating the success of Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace. You know there's gonna be a good time when Lloyd Kaufman shows up, and then immediately gets drunk.


OK, I swear I'll stop making butt jokes.

Soon.

Well, to answer the question stated above about plundering the booty... I don't know. Mostly because imdb.com never posted the box office results for the movie. But enough about the money, lets talk about the movie. Harry Knuckles is about a private detective and adventurer named Harry Knuckles (Phil Caracas), who has (take a guess) hairy knuckles. Harry must undertake a quest to retrieve a necklace, or beat up a yeti, or something...










Harry fights a Scotsman. Here, the Scotsman is using the dreaded Scottish double nipple twister, made famous in the movie Braveheart.


Well, in truth, I'm not sure exactly what the point of this movie was originally; but Harry takes a job from two busty, female Canadian secret agents (Nancy Riehle and Emma Maloney) to retrieve a valuable pearl necklace that was stolen from a museum by a yeti. Also joining Harry in this quest is his friend and former star of the ring Santos (Jeff Moffet), who plays a larger part in this movie than he did in Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

After the yeti fight, the point gets a little hazy, partly because I don't want to ruin the plot for you; but mostly because I had been drinking heavily. Harry fights a plethora (hah, you thought I was going to say menagerie, didn't you?) of outrageous bad guys, good guys, morally ambivalent guys and the yeti.

Did I mention the Yeti was also a cyborg? I should probably mention that.










Harry bites a Yeti. Hope you've had all your shots.


I won't get too far into the details of this movie, as I think its worth seeing for yourself, but I will address one of the major complaints that some people had with this movie. It seems that some of the viewers at our "lets get drunk and watch movies night" thought that the wrestling scene where Santos fights several wrestlers hired by the busty, female Canadian secret agents went on for too long; much like this sentence. To those people I say: you have obviously never had to sit through a Triple-H Wrestlemania match. If you think that a ten minute wrestling match is eight minutes too long, you've never seen the dreaded "main event sleeper".

Also, I thought that the Santos sex scene was much worse than the wrestling match. Both of which, by the way, occur in rings.

I just want you to know, that as you read that last line I felt you cringe. Your collective discomfort was actually so great that it became a tangible entity. Either that, or I ate some bad fish.










Do you ladies want to see Jeff Moffet without his shirt on? No? Why not?


Wrestling disputes aside, this movie was definitely worth the $12.99 plus shipping that I paid for it. Although it might be a bit hard to follow at times Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace features some great humor and some of the best camera and editing work I've seen in a long time. Sure, I have some unanswered questions like "Why did the mysterious villian, who shall not be named, want the pearl necklace again?" Also, "Why is there whiskey all over my shirt?" and "Where are my pants?".










Believe it or not, that's writer Ian Driscoll under that bag. And, no, he's not wearing the bag in shame; he's the unknown gas station attendant.


I should say something like "kudos to Lee Demarbre for putting together that amazing chase sequence at the end of the movie", but then I'd have to hit myself in the face for using the word "kudos" in a sentence. That's the talk of the likes of people from Ebert and Roeper country; and we don't take kindly to the likes of those uppity movie snobs around here. We just don't trust people who do strange things with their thumbs and fingers here at Spored to Death Publishing; as you never know where those questionable digits might have been.

But I digress. We're here to talk about Harry Knuckles, not questionable fingers. For those of you who enjoyed Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace is familiar territory you should probably take the time to explore. On the other hand, if you couldn't handle the campy goodness of Jesus and Santos as they battled an army of blood sucking fiends, you're probably not going to like Harry Knuckles either. These movies aren't for everyone; but then again if you're here reading this; chances are that you're one of the few that can enjoy a movie of this caliber. And if you're not, well I can recommend you go to somewhere more mainstream. I'm sure they'll point you in the right direction.

OK, I couldn't get a trailer for Harry Knuckles, but here's a clip of the Back Seat Film Festival of 2006 which has some shots of Harry Knuckles. Just look for the Yeti. This looks like my kind of film festival!