The Tingler

Welcome back Sporefans. This evening I’ll be reviewing The Tingler, a movie directed by William Castle and starring LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! OH MY GOD!

Did you see it? Did you? I’m sorry, but... THERE IT IS AGAIN! LOOK OUT!

What? Nothing? Well... just be careful. It might come back at any time. What is it? Uh... nothing. Really. Just... Hey, let’s talk about the movie! Ha! Haha!

What? No, I’m not avoiding anything. Let’s just... no, it’s cool. There’s nothing there.

...

The Tingler stars Vincent Price as Dr. Warren Chapin, a man who discovers that when people die from fright the mechanism of their death is a creature that spawns at the base of the spine. Apparently this creature exists within each and every person and grows to cover the whole spine when someone is overcome with intense fear, eventually snapping their spine in half. However, the creature’s growth can be halted when the subject SCREAMS REAL LOUD! So if you’re Paul Reubens or an animatronic talking chair, you’ll probably be fine.

Yes, I know the premise of the movie sounds pretty hokey, but hear me out because William Castle is a mad genius.

It's NOT a tumor!

I was listening to the radio... yes, the radio. We work on a tight budget here Sporefans, there’s no cash for iPods. The morning DJ mentioned that it would be a really great idea to have a movie where something jumps out of the seats and scares the audience. Little did they know that a movie like that already existed: The Tingler. William Castle had buzzers installed in some of the seats in selected theaters. The buzzers were made from surplussed wing defrosters from World War 2 airplanes, so you can imagine the jolt they must have delivered to the posteriors of the audience members. These buzzers went off when the following scene was played at the climax of the movie.

I really dig the movie within’ a movie in The Tingler Sporefans, and I think it’s a really great idea... but none of us are going to be in any movie theaters with buzzers in the seats watching The Tingler because... they're not going to play it. If this was the only great scene in The Tingler, I would understand why you might pass on watching it. However, The Tingler has much more to offer than joy buzzers for your butt!

First off there’s a sce... HOLY CRAP TURN AROUND! NOW! HURRY!

Um...

You know Sporefans, I don’t often endorse products or services, but there’s this really great item you can buy on ThinkGeek.com that I think you all might want to invest in. It’s a rear-view mirror for your monitor. You put one on either side of the monitor, thusly, and then you can see what’s sneaking up behind you. Who. I meant who.

Anyway, on to the...

…

No, it’s just... you have such pretty drapes. That’s all. I was just... admiring your drapery.

The Tingler also offers some great, non-butt related content. For example, it’s the first time you see someone take LSD in a movie. Which you can watch right now!

Sure, it’s not an accurate representation of and LSD trip, but it’s what the populace of the 1950’s thought might happen to you if you took LSD. Apparently they thought LSD just gave you waking nightmares and induced uncontrollable fear. Then again, they also believed that marijuana made you into a laughing psychotic killer with suicidal tendencies. Of course, they also thought that cigarettes were good for you and that they improved lung function. Most unbelievably of all, they thought Frank Capra movies were good.

You know Sporefans, I’d have my brains sucked out by a giant worm than watch a Frank Capra movie. I hope you feel that way too.

However, I think my favorite scene from The Tingler was the one shot with color. Not in color, Sporefans, but with color. In the scene, Martha Higgens (played by Judith Evelyn) is injected with LSD. Her character is a deaf mute woman who owns the movie theater that the Tingler attacks in the climax of the movie and who also happens to have Hemophobia. You know, a fear of blood. The LSD makes her see blood coming out of the faucets, and because she can’t scream the Tingler snaps her spine. Have a look at this awesome scene!

The effect was accomplished by filming parts of the scene in color and applying special make up to the actress and painting the room in monotone grays. This really allowed the color of the blood to “pop” on the screen and was TURN AROUND! TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW!

Did you see it?

All right Sporefans, I have to come clean. I wanted to do something special for this review. Something akin to what William Castle did with his movies. The buzzers in The Tingler were not the only theater theatrics created by William Castle. In The House on Haunted Hill Castle had a skeleton descend on the audience during the last scene. He also gave the audience special glasses in the movie 13 Ghosts that allowed them to view or not view the ghosts in every scene. So I thought to myself... “Spored, how can you reintroduce this sort of theatrical interaction to your readers... on a budget of $17.32?”

The Tingler just wants to be friends with you. Inappropriately. While you sleep.

I just wanted to figure out a way to get you Sporefans in the spirit of The Tingler. Instead, I may have inadvertently destroyed the human race.

And I’m really, very, very sorry about that.

See, I did a little research and I discovered that the monster in The Tingler is actually based on a real creature; the velvet worm. The velvet worm is native to the southern half of the globe and I knew a guy who knew a guy who sent me a box of fifty or so velvet worms. Now, they’re not really big, so they’re not really scary. They could be scary if they weren’t so tiny. And then I thought, “Hey, you know what makes things grow really, really big? Radioactive waste!”

Now you would think it would be hard to find a radioactive waste dump. Actually, it was harder obtaining the worms. Really, they’re all over the place these days. So I just drove past one, cut a hole in the box and chucked over the fence near the glowing green pool. I figured that they’d get to be about a foot long and then they’d be kinda scary.

Instead they grew to about fourteen feet in length.

Have you ever seen a velvet worm eat a security guard? They start by covering their prey in a sticky slime that immobilizes them. Then the worms bite their prey, who are all the while screaming things like “What is that thing?” and “My god, it’s a giant worm!” These screams don’t seem to immobilize the worms at all. Actually, they seem to be attracted to them.

Actually, the end result of being eaten by the giant worms looks a lot like this. But with less hands. They usually eat your hands first.

After the worms bite, they inject their prey with digestive fluids; which kills them pretty quickly. Then they munch down on poor... let’s see here... Calvin Hobbs of East Hanover, leaving his wife and two kids fatherless and destitute. Also, I got a nice wallet out of the... but I digress.

The most frightening thing of all is that these horrible velvet worms hunt in packs. And thanks to their sleek forms they can sneak up silently on their prey. So, again; really sorry about releasing giant killer radioactive stealth worms on the world. My bad. And while most of you are probably safe, taking a good look behind you every now and again might not be such a bad idea.

You know what might be a bad idea? Watching this trailer for The Tingler while there are giant worms on the loose. But you’re probably going to OH MY GOD LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!

Coming soon in 2011

There should be a new review coming out next week. Sorry for the delay Sporefans. It looks like I've become the busiest person... well... OK, we're all busy. But I'll definitely have something before 2012.

I have until 11:59 on 12/31 right? Right?

Right.

(sigh) Someday Sporefans, I really would like to get back to a review every two weeks. I really do apologize for the absence, but my life has been set to crazy for all of 2011. Let's hope 2012 brings a small portion of sanity.

-Spored

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

I think I’ve been infected, Sporefans.

I don’t know how else to describe it. I was watching this amazing film, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, and ever since then I just keep making inadvertent jokes about breasts.

How did this happen? Well, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark is pretty much 96 minutes of boob jokes.

Correction; 96 minutes of awesome boob jokes.

Now I understand that some of my readers may not know who Elvira is, so lets take a moment to educate today’s youth. I know, many of you are thinking “how could they not know about Elvira?” But trust me Sporefans, there are many people out in the world who can’t recognize great cultural icons of the 80’s which shape modern society in subtle ways. Or not so subtle ways. One such incident occurred during a conversation I had with a younger reader recently, and it has opened my eyes to our rapidly diminishing cultural awareness.

Spored: So Flash Gordon was on last night. I haven’t seen that movie in years! It was awesome.

Anonymous reader: Flash what?

Spored: Flash Gordon. You know... Based on the old TV show?

Anonymous reader: Ummm....

Spored: Music by Queen?

Anonymous reader: Who?

Spored: What do you mean “who”? Queen. Freddie Mercury? They did the music for the first Highlander movie too.

Anonymous reader: Umm....

Spored: Highlander. You know... “There can be only one!”

Anonymous reader: Only one what?

And then I wept.

Nice... car.

You have to understand Sporefans, that Elvira holds a special place in my bosom. I’ve seen this movie before a long, long time ago; but I completely forgot that it existed. Watching it again not only brought back fond memories of my days as a wee mote, but also brought about a completely new appreciation for the film. It’s buoyantly funny and largely unappreciated; which is why I feel the need to educate the younger Sporefans so that they too might recognize the large contributions that Elvira has made to the dual spheres of culture and cinema.

So before we begin the review proper, I think a little history lesson is in order.

Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) started down the dark path of terrible movies with Elvira’s Movie Macabre in 1981. From 1981 to about 1986 Elvira subjected the public to hordes of B movies injecting her opinion in the spaces bookending the commercial break. The list of films has some great movies; and by great I mean by my standards, not most peoples. Some of the better movies are Village of the Damned, Gamera: Super Monster (I told you it was by my standards) and Empire of the Ants.

If you're going to watch horror movies, you're going to need a good seat.

Now I hate to boast, but the rest of films of her run in the 80’s are not that terrible. I think this is due to the fact that viewers at home had to actually watch these movies with Elvira, and thus were shielded from anything too horribly horrible.

That is... in the 80’s.

You see, Elvira is still out there and still working; and as of 2010 she has another season of Elvira’s Movie Macabre whose film line up starts to fall a little more in sync with mine. There are some great oldies like Don’t Look in the Basement (I liked that one) and Bucket of Blood as well as some really awful stuff. The Satanic Rites of Dracula and of course the classic Manos: the Hands of Fate. Not that I’m saying you jump ship and watch her stuff and not read mine... but even an egotist such as myself must give a nod to such a distinguished set of, um... shows.

There are two of us, and I'm sure you can split your time between us equally. You wouldn't want to neglect a set of reviewers like this, would you?

96 minutes of boob jokes, Sporefans.

There is really no reason for me to put this picture here Sporefans. I just really like it.

In a truly inspiring marketing tactic, Elvira broke the fourth wall going the other way. She took her fictionalized character and made a movie in 1988 about abandoning her life of watching horror to inherit a house bequeathed to her by her long lost grandmother (also played by Cassandra Peterson, but without the wig). The movie takes some inspiration from some classic horror movie tropes, mostly from the comedic variety but with a heavy helping of 1950’s youth antiestablishmentarianism. You can see that concept pretty well developed in Elvira’s interactions with the character Chastity Pariah (played by Edie McClurg) as they wrestle for the attention of the town’s youth.

If you were looking at Elvira's face you'd think there would be a fart joke here.

But you weren't, were you?

Elvira spends most of her time in the movie in the town of Falwell; a sunny, PG rated community with high moral standards and an authoritarian town council who keep all the teenagers from getting to PG-13. Elvira inadvertently tempts the town’s teens with a strange new concept called “fun,” which drives a wedge between the youths and the town elders. The elders are also goaded into harassing Elvira by her great uncle Vincent who wants the tome left to Elvira by her great aunt; which turns out to be a witch’s grimoire. The town elders eventually conclude that all of this “fun” is a product of witchcraft and decide to burn Elvira at the stake.

Will Elvira burn at the stake? Or will she bust right out of trouble?

Will her dog ever get all of it’s fur to grow back?

Vicious!

Will the town’s teenagers ever be able to reproduce without a working knowledge of adult intimacy?

Will I answer any of these questions?

No, actually I won’t. If you want to find out what happens, you’ll have to tune in to the next exciting installment of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark! Its a fun, campy movie which takes from all of the good of the B-movie genre, wraps it up in the bright and wild colors of the 80’s and leaves you laughing. While you’re checking out Elvira, you might also want to take some time to check out Elvira on her website; or if you reside in an area where the show is on television you can always go old school and check it out there. But don’t spend too much time checking out Elvira because she hates it when you stare, even when her tassels rotate in opposite directions at speeds high enough to make an airplane take off.

Oh, and Ms. Peterson, if you’re reading this... what is that delightful movie that appears in a clip in the begging of your first film? The one where the monster gets hit in the eye with a blowtorch? I really want to check that movie out.

Illness

Sporefans,

I must apologize for not getting the new post up. I had intended to get one ready for mid-October but lately I have been very ill for the last couple of weeks. I am feeling better and I will try and get something ready before Halloween. 

In the meantime, why not have some fun with this game I found? I promise it will keep you amused for at least five minutes.

An appetizer of filler

Hey Sporefans. My apologies for not posting in a couple of months. There is a new post in the works, but I am currently adjusting to a new work schedule as I run around like a mad man on my free time. There is a decided lack of sleep going on around here; and yes, talking mushroom men do sleep.

Or at least I used to.

While I've been away I've discovered this awesome thing called Netflix. In fact I have an altar dedicated to it in my house, but more on that later. Thanks to the great god Netflix, deliverer of entertainment and host of T.V. long forgot I can now watch a bevy of terrible movies anytime I want. However, getting my butt into a seat long enough to craft a review for movies like Nude for Satan and Big Man Japan has been an issue. But rest assured that I am cobbling something together in the few minutes I have every day when I'm not busy and my eyes are still stuck open with toothpicks.

In the mean time, I have something that will help all of you wait for the next review. I discovered a great gaming site called Kongregate that has about a bajillionty-million flash games; most of which are good. Those of you who remember the Goofing off with Spored_to_Death posts from many Friday's past will feel right at home as I shamelessly plug this next game.

Rebuild is a horribly addicting horror strategy game where you are the leader of a group of human survivors fighting off hordes of zombies as you reclaim a city block by block. I was actually really surprised by how good this game was. I have low expectations for flash games, but this one got me hooked early on and will probably do the same for all you zombie fans.

All-righty then. I'm going back to work on the next post. The next review will be extra special, which is why I'm not going to tell you what movie I'm reviewing. However, I will say that it is a movie I saw many years ago, and thanks to Netflix it popped up on my movie radar and I was even more taken with it this time around. 

See you all soon, Sporefans. Enjoy the game!

Almighty Thor

Welcome back Sporefans. Lately everyone has been talking about this “Thor” movie, and I had the opportunity to watch the film. I have to say that I don’t understand how this movie could bring in so much money and be what everyone's been talking about lately. Actually, I don’t understand why anyone would ever pay to see this film. How bad was the movie?

Well, I saw it on SyFy for free and I want my money back.

I should have known something was amiss when I saw Richard Grieco cast as Loki, but I trusted in the people who said, “Thor was awesome, you gotta see it!” and “Aw, man! I loved Thor!” To those of you who said that... you betrayed me and I hate you. I had to wash my eyes twice to get rid of the filth.

And so I watched Almighty Thor.

There are no words that can prepare you for this horror.

The problem with writing a review for this movie is that there’s so much ground to cover. I can’t accurately convey the pain that I experienced while watching Almighty Thor in a traditional review, so what I’ve decided to do is re-write key scenes of the movie so that you can experience my perceptions of the film without actually having to watch it. Hopefully I can convey the terribleness of this film without actually making anyone else have to sit through it.

Our story begins in Asgard, where Loki quests to find the Hammer of Invincibility magical big rock on a stick. Odin (played by Kevin Nash) and his two sons Baldir (Jess Allen) and Thor (Owen Wilson err... I mean Cody Deal) rush off to meet Loki on the field of battle. Well, they walk slowly, because Kevin Nash doesn’t have any knees left.

And now I present the following in Sporevision!(tm) ACTION!!!

Loki: Give me the hammer Odin. Just give it to me and I’ll go away.

Odin: NEVER!

Loki: (looks directly at camera and breaks the fourth wall) If you don’t give me the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick, then I’ll make everyone watch another two hours of this movie.

Spored: (from couch) Give him the rock on a stick, you fool! Are you really going to make me watch two hours of this?

Odin: NEVER!

Spored: You rat bastard!

Thus our intrepid heroes set off on a magical quest to wish they were doing something else. Alas, Odin does not give the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick to Loki, but casts it into a portal beyond his reach; but not before both he and Baldir bite it and get out of the movie. I bet they had a good laugh all the way to the bank. But before Kevin Nash could take his five figure paycheck to the nearest First Union, Wachovia, Wells Fargo... knee replacement clinic; he sent his blithering man-boy-god son on a quest to save the universe from certain destruction.

One day's work + total lack of dignity = a pair of new knees for Kevin Nash. Hey, don't blame him; he's the smart one here.

Odin: Thor, my son. You must go and retrieve the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick before the new moon passes, or it will be lost forever.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Odin: No my son, you must retrieve the hammer.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Odin: Thor...

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Odin: Damn it, why did it have to be you that survived.

Meanwhile, Loki laid waste to the stationary armies of Asgard with great balls of fire that rained from the heavens and giant CGI dogs with spiky backs. The stationary army did everything it could to repel Loki to no avail. It tried staying very still, staying in place, not moving, and being very unobtrusive in the background of the frame; but alas it was thwarted by Loki’s ability to ambulate from one place to another.

Stationary army member: Come over here! We shall defeat you!

Loki: No.

Stationary army member 2: Come on. We have milk and cookies!

Loki: No, I’m not coming over there.

Stationary army member: Please! I was only kidding when I said we shall defeat you. We’ll ah... I dunno play a game of cards.

Stationary army member 3: Would someone please put me out. I seem to be on fire.

Stationary army member: Aw. Shame that. Say Mr. Loki, would you be a pal and put him out?

Loki: Well, I suppose... wait a minute!

Stationary army member 2: Ah! We almost had you there!

Stationary army member: Shame too. We could have defeated you.

Stationary army member 3: Does anyone care that I’m still on fire?

While watching the movie Fight Club, I learned that a changeover is when something happens off screen, like changing a reel of film, and the movie continues while the audience is none the wiser. One such event must have occurred, for Thor did finally realize that his father’s dying wish was that he find the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick before it was lost forever. Unfortunately Loki arrived and taunted Thor once, causing him to fly into a fit of rage and attack. In slow motion.

There is a decided lack of fighting with hammers in Almighty Thor. Guns, swords, spears, dogs, fire... check. Hammers... not so much.

Actually, every battle in Almighty Thor occurs in slow motion. Every. One. It. Makes. It. So. You. Don’t. Have. To. Write. So. Much. Plot. But then Thor gets his butt kicked and runs away gibbering like an idiot.

In his rush to escape the event horizon of Richard Grieco’s collapsing career Loki, Thor is tripped by some girl in the woods named Jar... Je... hang on a minute, let me look this up...

Jarnsaxa. Yeah, I can’t pronounce that either, but she’s played by Patricia Velasquez. Anyway, Jarnsaxa trips Thor and then beats him up. The following scene occurs between 3 and 4 PM Eastern standard time. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.

Jar... jes... Gertru... oh, whatever. It's Patricia Velazquez. She's a Valkyrie or something.

Jarnsaxa: Thor, you must come with me to the sacred grove, so that I can give you the training that you need to defeat Loki.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki.

Jarnsaxa: No Thor, you must come with me. We must go to the sacred grove, which will hide our presence from Loki so that I might train you.

Thor: But I wanna fight the Loki!

Jarnsaxa: No Thor, you... hey look. Keys! Jingle, jingle. Get the keys, Thor. Come on, get the keys!

Thor: Hahaha! Jingle... jingle!

Meanwhile, Loki finds the boundary of the hidden grove and delivers his signature line.

Loki: Just give me the hammer Thor, then I’ll just go away.

Jump cut to Thor and Jarnsaxa.

Jarnsaxa: Now that I have given you the training you need to fight Loki, which is evident because you are now wearing slightly different clothes and a cape, we can leave the hidden grove to retrieve the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick. And just in time too, for Loki has found the hidden grove and is even now attempting to break down its magical walls.

Thor: I wanna fight the Loki!

Jarnsaxa: No Thor. You are not yet ready. And besides, we must retrieve the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick.

Thor: But... you just train me. I can no fight?

Jarnsaxa: Oh. Well... ah. Keys! Keys, Thor! Come get the keys!

Thor: Hahaha! Keys!

Thor follows the jingling of the keys.

Thor: I love you lady I met yesterday!

Jarnsaxa: Oh, I love you too, mightiest of the gods!

This goes on for two more hours.

No. Really. This is it! For the next two hours, Jarnsaxa leads Thor around by the nose, jumping into the human world where they fight one mugger and save one woman before heading back to Jarnsaxa’s place to play with guns. Eventually they go find the hammer of invincibility magical big rock on a stick. Loki follows them through the rest of the movie looking very much like the Necromancer from Diablo 2, but with all the gusto of Pepe Le Pew. In fact, I have this rare, behind the scenes clip of Richard Grieco and Cody Deal on the set in Los Angeles.

I AM THE MATRIX! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Cody Deal: So what’s my motivation again?

Director Christopher Ray: You want to fight Loki. But you can’t.

Cody: Oh.

Cody: ...OK.

Chris Ray: And Rich... Richard, my man! How are you feeling?

Richard Grieco: This suit kinda smells funny. I’m getting paid this time, right?

Chris: Of course, of course! I’m just waiting for that check from SyFy to clear. Listen, Rich... I know you’re really struggling with this part.

Richard: Well, Loki seems kinda flat. I mean, all he wants is this rock on a stick thing and then to destroy the world. There’s really not much more to him.

Richard Grieco is clearly thrilled.

Chris: But Rich, you can make him so much more... awesome. You know? Can we try something? Maybe this will help demonstrate my point.

Richard: All right.

Chris: OK. Close your eyes. Now... no, really close them.

Richard: (sigh)... fine.

Chris: OK, now visualize the hammer. It’s not just a hammer Rich. The hammer represents something that you’ve always wanted but never had. Something you feel you deserve, but someone took it away from you.

Richard: Look, this is...

Chris: Stop! It’s not a hammer Rich! It’s not a hammer! It’s a symbol... a thing you’ve always wanted but could never have... and Cody is taking it away from you... but you... you have the power to get it back. You can have that thing Rich.

Chris: No, don’t open your eyes yet! Visualize it! You have the power to take it back! You understand? This is the moment of your victory! All you have to do, Richard listen to me... all you have to do is take what’s rightfully yours from Cody. OK?

Chris: OK? Rich?

Richard:Y... yeah. Yeah! OK.

Chris: OK. Places. Everyone! Places.

Chris: Rich... Richard. Now when I yell action, open your eyes, understand? Are you ready?

Richard: Yeah... I’m ready.

Chris: Action!

Cody: I wanna fight...

Richard: DAMN YOU JOHNNY DEPP, GIVE ME MY CAREER!!!

Cody: Oh holy sh...

Richard: I’ll KILL YOU!!! GIVE ME MY CAREER!!!

Sound technician: Hey, should he be punching Cody like that? I mean...

Chris: Cut! CUT! CUT RIGHT NOW!

Cody: Help!

Richard: I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE GROPING ANGELINA JOLIE AND HELENA BONHAM CARTER IN THOSE MOVIES! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN JACK SPARROW! ME! MEEEE!!!

Chris: Get me a medic, NOW!

Cody: He’s smashing my face! Somebody help me! Its my meal tic...

Sorry Sporefans, the camera cuts out there as all hands were required to pull Richard Grieco off of Cody Deal. I hear that a few weeks after Cody got out of the hospital they resumed shooting, and the character of Loki was given a much more... mellow motivation. Not to mention some medication. And that’s why, to the best of my knowledge, Richard Grieco acts like Pepe Le Pew as Loki in Almighty Thor.

Oh man this is really, really happening. This is my life, and it's ending one second at a time. I'm really making this movie. This horrible, horrible movie. Really. It's not a dream.

Why, God? Why?

I still don’t get it, Sporefans. Why did people pay good money to go see this in theaters? Why would anyone pay to see this ever? Almighty Thor is a horrible two hour waste of time. I heard that this was a really good interpretation of the comic franchise, but all I got was pain. Horrible, unyielding pain the likes of which I haven’t seen in a long time.

What? What’s that Sporefans? You say that there’s another Thor movie and that I’m watching the wrong one? Oh, look at that! You’re right. There is another Thor movie. Well clearly I’ve made a mistake. I mean, I thought that I was watching the Thor movie, not a Thor movie. Well, until I can find this other Thor movie, I can’t say for sure that those people were lying to me. So I guess, for now, I should call off the hit squad.

Where did I leave that number, anyway?

Oh yeah. Here's the trailer. You can watch it. Or don't.

Luvs Yoo a Kitteh

Greetings Sporefans. Many of you are probably wondering why I haven’t posted a movie review lately. Well, there are many reasons... things have been hectic, I was in a bacon eating contest (took second place), I had to fix a sink... but I wanted to dispel one myth that has been going around the Internets.

That I’ve been abducted by cats from outer space.

I iz not from speece.

No Sporefans, nothing could be further from the truth. First off, there are no such things as cats from outer space. Clearly this is some sort of fantasy, as the only cats that exist in the world are regular, non-outer space cats.

I iz just reglar kitteh. You no trusts me? Why dat?

Now while there are no such things as cats from outer space, there are some very real cats who might need homes; and because everyone likes pictures of cute kittehs, I have included some in this post of cats who might need a place to stay for a while. Say, until the galactic pol... I mean, because they need warm milk and tuna. Ha. Ha ha! What other reason would a cat need a place to stay? Ha ha ha! That’s right. They need good homes in the central Jersey area. Yes, in the central area of New Jersey, only a short drive from Grover’s Mill!

I eatz de tuna. Can? What dat? I eatz whole fish!

Now I just want to assure all of my readers that these are perfectly normal cats. There’s nothing strange about them what-so-ever. They don’t speak or fly in space ships. And they certainly don’t hold tiny laser guns in their tiny paws while making someone write a blog post to find them homes to stay in. That idea is absurd. Certainly nothing like that could ever happen.

Whats u rite? I wan see. It kute?

And if these kittehs do wind up getting nice homes, I’m very certain that they won’t be starting some sort of plot to take over the world by creating a large device that hypnotizes people with waves of cuteness. No, the minds of the people of Earth are certainly safe from being enslaved by feline overlords from the planet Mewownia. Whoever started that rumor on the Internet Has somE serious probLems. Some People have way too Much timE on their hands.

U looks tastee. Can I haz yur soul?

So if you would like a regular, terrestrial, non-alien cat of average cat intelligence, why not leave your name and contact information on the Luvs Yoo a Kitteh page on that Facebook thingie that they’ve got there? I hear there are a lot of good things out there on “The Facebook,” and none of them involve plots to take over the Earth with brainwashing waves of cute. In fact, I’d like to...

Dis not rite. What yoo say on compooter? Someting up!

Hey! What are you doing? No! No! I did my part! No, not the cute ray! not the cute ray!

OH MY GOD THE CUUUUUUUUTEE!!!

Obeys dis kitteh! Takes me home!

Hobo with a Shotgun

Welcome back Sporefans. Today we’ve got a very, very special review. It’s just this little movie I saw recently about a hobo... with a shotgun. In fact, the movie is called Hobo with a Shotgun.

Starring Rutger Hauer.

Did I mention that this movie is awesome?

Normally I post a trailer for a movie at the end of the review, but the trailer for this movie is so amazing that I’m posting it right here at the beginning. Watch it.

Seriously.

Watch.

It.

If you watched that trailer and you aren’t psyched to see this movie, go see a doctor. You are clearly dead. In fact, I would wager that if you read this blog and you’re not ready to go out and see Hobo with a Shotgun by now, then you have already been killed. By a hobo. With a shotgun.

But... if you insist on some more convincing, read on.

The first thing I should point out is that this movie shares something really important with the film Snakes on a Plane in that it explains the entire premise in it’s title. Rutger Hauer plays a hobo who rides into a town full of crime in the belly of a boxcar. The local crime boss, Drake, (played by Brian Downey, aka Stanley Tweedle on Lexx) has the entire town under his thumb in a grip of fear.

The fear grip, by the way... very hard to do. It takes a strong thumb to pull off. If you’re not experienced you could break your own hand. Off. Completely. Like snapped... Oh! The movie. Right.

The hobo disapproves of my non-sequitor.

The plot of this movie is pretty simple. In fact, if you’ve ever seen one episode of Fist of the North Star, you already know how the hobo is gonna roll. Just replace Kenshiro with a hobo, and random thugs exploding from being punched in the face with random thugs being exploded by a shotgun (warning: both previous links are really, really, REALLY not safe for work) and you’ve got the whole thing figured out.

Like Snakes on a Plane, Hobo with a Shotgun is what I’d like to call a title-premise movie; in that the entire premise of the film is summed up in the title. People’s biggest complaint with Snakes on a Plane was that they were really just waiting through the whole movie to watch Sam Jackson deliver one line, and that the rest of the movie consisted of a bunch of snakes.

What sets Hobo with a Shotgun apart from other title-premise movies is that at no point do you feel like you’re just waiting for the movie to get good. Hobo with a Shotgun delivers throughout the entire movie; although not as seriously as the trailer makes it out to be. Hobo with a Shotgun has just the right mix of action and campiness and feels like your watching a really good (and strangely well written) Troma film with a slightly larger than average budget. Hobo with a Shotgun delivers some camp, but it never gets in the way of the action; it blends seamlessly into it in a perfect mix of comedy and gore.

See? The perfect mix of comedy and gore summed up in one picture. Don't flinch.

So it’s pretty much the opposite of Drag Me to Hell. But that’s a tale of disappointment for another time.

The best example I can give of the interaction between camp and gore in this movie is when Drake is mentoring his son Slick (played by Gregory Smith) on how to rule through fear. He tells Slick that he doesn’t fear him, that he expected better out of the son who will one day take over his reign of terror, and that Slick needs to go out and do something to prove that he can scare the crap out of people. So Slick and his brother Ivan (played by Nick Bateman) go out and do one of the most awful and yet funny things I’ve seen a villain do in a movie... ever.

Random thug number 216 wonders if his ski mask is bullet proof.

I'll spoil it for you: No. No, it's not.

Slick and Ivan board a school bus sporting a flamethrower and pair of boom boxes. (For those of you too young to know this, a boom box is a cheap portable stereo with a tape deck in the middle of it, and I feel old for having to explain that.) The boom boxes are playing Disco Inferno by The Trammps while Slick asks the kids a bunch of questions like, “Do you like cookies?” The kids, being in a movie and thereby unable to realize that they are seconds away from being made into toasty child pastries all yell:

“YEAAH!!!”

Then Slick asks them if they like hobos, and the kids predictably all scream “YEAAH!!!” So he torches them with the flamethrower just as the song hits it’s refrain with “Burn, baby, burn!”

After burning a bus full of school children alive, Slick tells the parents of the town that if they don’t hunt the hobo down that he’ll kill all of the rest of their children. The town turns against the hobo and presents him with an additional difficulty; while he’s being hunted by a bloodthirsty mob, none of the people in the mob are really bad, so the hobo really doesn’t want to shoot them.

While the villains in this movie are excellent, Rutger Hauer stands out as the real star of Hobo with a Shotgun. His character has a subtle depth which lends him a very touching human quality. There are several scenes that start with the hobo alone, cradling his shotgun and pondering the morality of horrors that he has unleashed upon the town.

The hobo contemplates violence. So... much... violence. Why, God? Why?

The scene where the hobo obtains the shotgun is arguably the best scene in the movie. Before he gets the shotgun he tries to stop the criminals by turning them over to local law enforcement, which is predictably corrupt; and attempts to dissuade the local thugs through several more non-lethal means such as a sock full of loose change.

However, fate intervenes with the hobo’s plans and he is forced to make a choice between his future happiness and the life of two innocent bystanders. The hobo spends most of the first half of the movie trying to obtain $49.99 for a used lawnmower. Why? Because he wants to start his own business cutting lawns. Why else would a hobo want a lawnmower?

What? No! That’s sick. Just stop. Seriously. People don’t do that with lawnmowers. No, it doesn’t matter how much tequila they drank... Oh. Tila Tequila. Well, that might be a different story.

Anyway, when the hobo goes to the pawn shop to purchase the used lawn mower, who should walk in but three random thugs in ski masks? (I told you that this was Fist of the North Star with shotguns.) While the hobo stares longingly at his prize the thugs threaten to shoot a young mother and her infant child with a very, very large handgun.

And then, the hobo notices a shotgun hanging from the display rack right next to the lawnmower. The price tag dangles in front of his face: $49.99. He reaches up, takes the shotgun and then... a lot of people die really, really badly.

Now, if you’re the type of person who asks, “Why was the display shotgun loaded with bullets?” and complains, “That makes no sense, it’s dangerous to leave a loaded shotgun in a pawn shop,” then there’s something I need you to do.

Stop reading this review.

Shut down your computer.

Now go help your grandma knit that afghan.

If you have to ask that question then you have clearly missed the point of the entire movie, and that point is:

Hobo + Shotgun = Violence.

I DON'T NEED NO STINKING CAPTION!!!

And really, that’s all you need to know. If you’re not down with Hobo-shotgun interactions, then you shouldn’t be watching this movie. More fun trivia, did you know that Hobo with a Shotgun was one of the fake movie trailers on Grindhouse? I’m putting money on SyFy optioning Werewolf Women of the SS... just without any of the nudity. Failing that, they’ll probably just make something that looks exactly like it and release it at the exact same time that the real film comes out... but who would be foolish enough to mix up the two?

In any event, the following is the UNRATED version of the trailer for Hobo with a Shotgun, so be warned that it does contain lots of gore, and you should probably not be watching this at work. But what you do with it is up to you.

Until next time, stay away from hobos with shotguns. It’s just generally a good idea.