This review is dedicated to an Irish friend who got himself into a pickle.
Spored: Greetings Sporefans. Welcome back to the Tome. We recently celebrated Saint Patrick’s Day; a day I had apparently celebrated every year previously but somehow have no memory of. Coincidentally this is the first St. Patty’s day that I celebrated soberly as I’ve had to give up the drink. Apparently there are some things you’re not supposed to do with a doughnut a donkey and a dirigible that landed me into some trouble and... you know, let’s just skip over that part. What’s important is that this year I got to remember the movie we sat down to watch on St. Patty’s day.
Spored: Sporefans, may I present a review for Leprechaun 4: In Space!
Spored: In order to bring you Sporefans the most accurate evaluation of this movie I decided to enlist the help of an expert. We contacted four so-called experts on Leprechauns, but all of them declined to come on the Tome. They all mentioned something about not being taken seriously, and “academic prestige” and yadda, yadda, yadda. I guess they thought being interviewed on the Tome would hurt their reputation; so I decided that if we couldn’t get an expert on Leprechauns that we would just have to go one better.
Spored: I got an actual Leprechaun.
Spored: Allow me to introduce Braden O’Hanrahan, a Leprechaun who agreed to watch Leprechaun 4: In Space and discuss the movie with me. Braden, welcome to the Tome.
Braden: Hey.
Spored: So Braden, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Braden: Well... I don’t know.... what you want me to say? Let’s see... uh... my name’s Braden, I’m 947 years young, I’m from Detroit... uh.... I like cotton candy...
Spored: Detroit? I thought all Leprechauns were from Ireland.
Braden: Well I moved to Detroit in 1847.
Spored: Ahhh! So that’s why you don’t speak with a thick Irish accent... eh laddie?
Braden: Don’t do that.
Spored: What, the accent?
Braden: Yeah. Don’t do that again. Ever.
Spored: OK. So Braden, what’s it like to be a leprechaun? Do you make good money?
Braden: It’s who I am, it’s not a career.
Spored: Oh. So you don’t, like, magic yourself a living?
Braden: No. I work for me money like everyone else.
Spored: And what do you do Braden?
Braden: I’d rather not say.
Spored: Aw, come on. It can’t be that bad.
Braden:... I sell women’s shoes.
Spored: You... ah...
Braden: At the mall.
Spored: Does Ed O’Neill know about this?
Braden: Some days I wish I had died back in Ireland.
Spored: Oookay. Anyway, what I’d like to do is play this movie, Leprechaun 4: In Space and we’ll talk about some of the scenes. I’d like to get your feedback on the movie, but I have to warn the Sporefans that this will create spoilers.
Braden: Spoilers?
Spored: It’s when you reveal something about what happens in a movie that might ruin a surprise or the enjoyment for someone who hasn’t seen it yet.
Braden: You really think you’re gonna have to worry about that?
Spored: You’d be surprised. Some people really like these movies.
Braden: Uh-huh.
Spored: No, really...
Braden: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with. You better have my fifty bucks; I gotta go see a guy after this.
Spored: No, no; I got it. Let’s watch the movie.
Spored: OK, so we’ve got famed actor Warwick Davis playing the Leprechaun and he’s talking to Rebekah Carlton who’s playing Princess Zarina.
Braden: Nice bikini.
Yes. Yes that is a nice bikini.
Spored: Yes. Yes she is wearing a nice bikini. With golden spikes all over it. They’re kinda going for this Princess Leia thing; but in this case, she’s evil.
Braden: Who are the guys with guns?
Spored: Well, they’re space marines. Let’s see, we’ve got Brent Jasmer, Tim Colceri, Miguel Nunez Jr., Debbie Dunning....
Braden: What do leprechauns have to do with space marines?
Spored: The leprechaun in this movie is trying to take over the universe... or a planet. Maybe it’s a galaxy. Anyway, the point is that he’s evil and the space marines are there to stop him.
Braden: How do they know he’s evil?
Spored: If you saw the first three movies, you’d know he’s evil.
Braden: There are more of these things out there?
Spored: Oh yeah, it’s a franchise. There are three before this one, Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2 and Leprechaun 3; and after this one there’s Leprechaun in the Hood and Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood.
Braden: Why the SPORE would anyone make more than one of these?
Spored: Well, they’re a lot of fun to make. Rumor has it that Warwick Davis loves to play the leprechaun because the movies are a blast.
The Leprechaun has himself a light shelall... shalal... cane. He has a light cane.
Braden: It’s not a blast to watch. If fact I’d like to blast me head off rather than keep at this.
Spored: Oh just give it a chance. This movie is a lot of fun. It’s just a silly movie with a few good laughs; it’s not going to be great. And besides, think about how much fun it’s got to be to play a space marine who shoots lasers at Warwick Davis. You have to give Rick Peters and Geoff Mead...
Braden: You’re just looking for a way to name them all, ain’t ya?
Spored: ...and Ladd York.and Mike Cannizzo credit for going out there and pretending to fight an unkillable menace that...
Braden: Unkillable? They just blew him up with a grenade!
Spored: Oh no, he’ll be fine. Just watch.
Braden: And why is it that the leprechaun is all wrinkly and ugly? That’s real biased, ya know? Oh look, now that space marine is peeing on his corpse. This movie SUCKS!
Spored: Ah, come on. It’s all in good fun. Where’s your St. Patty’s day spirit?
Braden: You think this is funny? How would you like it if someone made an ass of you in a movie, eh?
Braden: And as for my “St. Patty’s day” spirit, let me tell you... every year kids chase me around screaming “Hey, gimme your lucky charms.” Drunks’ll chase me too, tryin’ to catch me so they can get my “pot o’ gold” from the end of the rainbow. Don’t you Americans know anything about the wee folk? We don’t give out our pots of gold. Hell, I don’t even have a pot of gold anymore.
TEN HUT SPACE MARINES! NOW FAN OUT AND FIND ME THAT POT O' GOLD!
Spored: What happened to your pot of gold?
Braden: It’s a long and very sad tale. Back in Ireland we had a famine.The potato crops all died and my wife, Katey, suffered from starvation and eventually passed on; which is when I decided to make a new sta...
Spored: Oh hey, check this out! In this scene the hot space marine girl and her space marine boyfriend are fooling around near the garbage dump... romantic, right? But remember that this is the same space marine that peed on the leprechaun... so when the female space marine goes to take his pants off the leprechaun EXPLODES out of the dude’s crotch and kills him.
Braden:...
Spored: So Braden, have you ever exploded out of a crotch before?
Braden: What is wrong with you? Here I am, about to tell you the saddest tale of me life; the tale of how my entire family was lost in the Irish potato famine and how I lost my pot of gold, and you sit there and you, you-you-you... ask me if I’ve ever exploded out of a crotch before?
Spored: Well, have you?
Braden: NO!
Spored: Well, you gotta check on these things. I mean, you don’t look like you’ve ever exploded somebody's crotch before. But... you can’t be to careful about these things.
Braden:... You’re a mad man.
Spored: Technically, I’m a mad fungus. But it brings me to another point. In the movie, the leprechaun appears to have near limitless, almost god-like powers. Do you have near limitless, almost god-like powers?
Braden: No. No I do not have near limitless, almost god-like powers.
Spored: Are you sure?
Braden: YES, I’M SURE! If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be sitting here waiting for fifty bucks to pay my bookie so he don’t break me legs!
Spored: OK, no... I just had to ask. OK, let’s just fast forward a bit here. There’s another awesome scene I think we should cover. There’s this character, Dr. Mittenhand. Awesome name that: Mittenhand. Anyway, Guy Siner plays Dr. Mittenhand, a man whose experiments with science has left him more machine than man.
Braden: Right. Well... I see that.
Spored: Now, as cyborgs go, Dr. Mittenhand is kinda lame. He’s pretty much held together with duct tape and hope; but it fits in with the theme and the budget of the rest of the movie. Mittenhand looks like somebody stuck a cardboard box on top of a Roomba, and they clearly want you to know how crappily he’s been thrown together because he keeps leaking fluids all over the floor. I guess it’s not surprising when Dr. Mittenhand and the Leprechaun fight that the Leprechaun wins. Hey Braden, do you think you could beat a cyborg in a fight?
Didn't I see this in an Austin Power's movie?
Braden: I’m not much of a fighter, but... If I were one for betting, I’d put me money on me.
Spored: Really? I guess you have some pretty awesome magical powers to smash that cyborg up good.
Braden: I’ve told you before, I have no powers.
Spored: Then how would you be able to beat up a cyborg?
Braden: You ever notice how no one ever messed with Gary Coleman?
Spored: I never really noticed.
Braden: That guy... I met him once mind you; that guy would kick the crap outta a cyber.
Spored: Cyborg.
Braden: Whatever. My point is, if you mess with Gary Coleman, you get run over by a truck.
Spored: Wow. So you’re pretty bad-ass, huh? Did you ever run anyone over with a truck?
Braden: ...I take the bus, mostly.
Spored: Hey, what about Robocop? Do you think you could beat Robocop in a fight?
Braden: Well...
Spored: I mean if you had a truck. Oh! What about a giant robot with death missiles? Do you think you could beat a giant robot with death missiles? I mean, if you’re a leprechaun and all, you could...
Braden: This is getting stupid.
Spored: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s stick to the topic at hand. Now at the end of Leprechaun 4: In Space the leprechaun, who becomes giant sized, gets shot out of an airlock into the void of space and it kills him. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that the leprechaun could be blown up and have all sorts of horrible things happen to him and then the vacuum of space kills him off?
Braden: Yeah. I guess. I mean, if you’re talkin’ about the made up leprechaun in the movie that does seem to be a stretch.
Spored: Its funny, because it reminds me of my very first review, a little film called Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness. I guess it’s because the movies end in almost the exact same way. Hey, while you’re here, you wanna watch it? I’ve got a copy...
Braden: Look Mr. Mushroom...
Spored: It’s Mr. Death actually.
Braden: Whatever. The deal was if I sat through this movie and did your interview I’d get fifty bucks. The credits are rolling, I did the interview; now I want my money!
Spored: Well, If I remember correctly, the deal was that you’d get on the show if you were a leprechaun. So far, I haven’t seen any leprechaun powers. You could just as easily be an actor sent over from Warwick Davis’ company for actors of smaller stature.
Braden: All it shows is that you know nothing about wee folk. No gimme my money.
Spored: Come on, I’m not gonna buy that. You gotta have some proof that you’re a real leprechaun.
Braden: I already told ye that I don’t have me pot of gold anymore. I spent it to get to America. I cobble shoes. Did you know the wee folk cobble shoes?
Spored: You sell shoes. I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of kids in South-East Asia who would disagree with your claim to cobbling.
Braden: Look, I’ll be straight with ya. If I don’t have that fifty bucks by six Jimmy Cannoli’s gonna break my hand.
AH! Sure and Begorrah, I farted in me suit!
Spored: No magic, no money.
Braden: The only thing that’s left is for me to grant you three wishes, but I’m not about to let you catch me for...
Spored: GOTCHA!
Braden: LET GO OF ME YOU DAFT FOOL!
Spored: No way! Not until I get three wishes!
Braden: … There’s a special place in Hell for you, you know that?
Spored: Hey, whatever. So I get three wishes, right?
Braden: Yes. Just make it quick.
Spored: OK... I want...
Braden: You have to say “I wish,” or it doesn’t work.
Spored: Oh. Right. I wish for.... a doughnut, a donkey and a dirigible. Does that count as three wishes or...
Braden: Granted.
Donkey: Hee-haw!
Spored: Holy crap, that actually worked. OK, I wish for fifty bucks!
Braden: Gran... hey. Did you even have my money?
Spored: Well... to tell the truth, I’m a little short. Get it? Ha! It’s a little jo-HURK!
Braden: Now you listen here, mushroom man. You wish for two-thousand dollars for your friend Mr. O’Hanrahan. Now. Get it?
Spored: I wish for... gaaak... two-thousand dollars... can’t breathe... for my good friend.... Mr. O’Hanrahan.
Braden: Granted! Thank you friend. See? Isn’t it nice to be nice to people; and not make rude jokes about them?
Spored: Hey... I... I still get one wish, right?
Braden: Hurry up and make it a quick. It’s almost six o’clock.
Spored: I wish for a fully loaded rocket launcher.
Braden: Hey. Wait. Easy now friend. I know I got a little rough on ya, but you shouldn’t of made that joke. It’s a bit of a sore spot for me.
Spored: You have to give me what I wish for right? I want a fully loaded rocket launcher.
Braden: Well, why don’t you just wish for more money? You don’t have to blow me up, you know? Heh. Hey, you could, ah... you could wish for a million, no two million...
Spored: What? No. It’s not for you.
Braden: Eh?
Spored: How do you think I got into trouble with the doughnut the donkey and the dirigible? Speaking of which, hand me that doughnut.
Braden: But... You’re not gonna kill the donkey, are you?
Spored: Whaf? Ham om a feffond? huh?.... That’s some good doughnut. No, no... I’m gonna ride the donkey and blow up the blimp.
Braden: Why in God’s name would you do that?
Spored: Seemed like a good idea last St. Patty’s day.
Braden: So you’re not gonna kill me with a rocket launcher.
Spored: Not unless you wanted to ride in the dirigible.
Braden: Well... in that case: granted. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go place a bet. I feel lucky today.
Spored: Good luck Braden! And as for you, my fine floating friend.
Donkey: Hee-haw!
Spored: Adios......... blimp!
