Fun with polls

Greetings Sporefans. While there is no review this week, I thought that it would be fun to get a little feedback from you guys about Spored to Death Publishing. Because I know that most of you are not too keen on typing up stuff to say in the commentary, I looked into using some polling utilities for blogs. This is the first time I've used these web polls, but after testing it out on my test site things seemed to work OK.

The following are some questions that I'd like to ask my readers to try and get the site running better for you guys, the readers. Please take some time and click on the best answer for the questions. Come on, I know you guys like giving your opinions on stuff, and I'm making it as easy as possible. Click on the answers and vote. I can't promise it will change anything, but I'll try. You can also add comments at the end, like normal.

Next week we will have a new review, but for now, click! Click for freedom!

-Spored_to_Death



















OK Sporefans, that about wraps it up for this week. If you guys like the polls I may resurrect the Friday "Head to Head" event with new polls.

The Shadow Walkers

Welcome back Sporefans. Recently we've been on a trend of reviewing bad movies that aren't of the usual ilk, movies that are passable but not good. Today's review will change all that drastically. A movie has come across my field of vision that merits a review of the most acerbic caliber. This week's review is for the 2007 straight to DVD movie "The Shadow Walkers".

If the straight to DVD release didn't clue you in, let me tell you that this movie absolutely sucks. An IMDB reviewer posted this comment about the movie, and claims to have not been able to sit thought the opening sequence, but we here at Spored to Death Publishing are made of sterner stuff. It strikes me as unfair to post a review of a movie without watching it, partially because a reviewer should see the work in its entirety, and partially because I had to sit through the whole stinking mess so why should anyone else get off easy!

Ahem.

But in this case, the fellow at IMDB is correct, this is a terrible movie.

Our movie starts with a montage of people being killed by ugly zombie monster things, and some hardcore metal music. Stuff happens on screen, none of which is important. Eventually several characters wake up in some sort of underground "complex", which is full of space aged tubes... also known as pipes. Get ready for a movie shot completely in the underground heating and storage rooms of other studios. I can only imagine the other movies that are shot on sound stages virtually two stories about this set, as the characters run from garages to rooms filled with steam and pipes, to more garages, to a room full of useless machines to... well, you get the point.
















Grrr.... see that? That's your career dying! Mwahahahahaaa!

To further move things along, most of the characters have no memory of who they are or why they're in this underground complex. The noted exception is the evil scientist who berates everyone else and reveals crucial information about them. Mr. Science reveals that the only way to the surface of the underground complex is to head to the bottom level and then exit through the emergency escape exit.

Let me repeat that: The only way out of the underground complex is to head to the bottom level and then go out the escape tunnel.

Now, I don't know who designed this underground military complex. I don't know if M.C. Escher was brought back from the dead to design military complexes, or if it was some kind of freaky guy with an upside down face. But what I do know is, when you head towards the surface, you typically want to go in a general, you know... UPWARDS direction. Silly me.

"I think we can get out through there. Lets head down."

"Stop trying to look up my dress!"

Unfortunately, the character's quest to defy the simplest of logic is severely hampered by zombies. Well, sort of zombies... Ummm...

This is an excellent opportunity for me to set forth some terminology, which is something I really like to do. It makes me feel all important and stuff. You may recall that I've already coined the phrase "fecal sequel" in my review of Starship Troopers 2. Well, here's another great concept I'm about to put into writing, so get your pens and pencils ready kiddies.

The following is "Spored to Death's rule of perpetually increasing awesomination". When a concept occurs, whether in a good movie or not, and is copied and improved upon by another movie, the concept will be cheapened and craptified on a inversely proportionate scale to its so called improvement.

OK, I know that's a bit wordy, so let me give you an example. "Jaws" was an awesome movie about a giant killer Great White shark. In its sequels, Jaws became bigger, meaner and eventually "psychic" monster (remember how Helen Brody claims that it was the shark's fault that her husband died of a heart attack?).

As time went on, people made faster, meaner and more intelligent sharks, like in the movie "Deep Blue Sea". The further and further the sharks get away from the original concept of Jaws (while still being copies), the lamer the movies become. If you keep adding things to make the killer shark "better" for each new movie, you would eventually wind up with some type of robot shark immune to bullets that shoots torpedoes and has laser beam eyes. Get the picture?

That being said, I have compiled all the data I could on the "creatures" in the movie "The Shadow Walkers" and have some up with the following; which is what I believe to be an accurate description of them. Keep in mind that the original concept that I believe that the creatures are based upon are the zombies from George Romero's original 1968 "Night of the Living Dead".

They dun stole my D.N.A.!!!

The creatures are: Horny genetically-altered alien-human mutated zombie super soldier vampires.

Here's a breakdown of that description. Scientists take alien DNA and inject it into humans, altering them. The mutants retain their intelligence but are reduced to their animistic instincts (these are not my words, that's straight from the movie. I realise that this makes no sense what-so-ever). They posses a heightened sex drive, but replicate by biting the non-infected, and with each new infection comes a new mutation. Also, they're allergic to Ultraviolet light.

As the plot progresses, "Reeve" (Jason Coviello), the security officer has several fights with these super soldier zombies. With a generic heavy metal soundtrack and fight choreography straight from the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, Reeve engages the zombie soldiers in Mortal Kombat. Later on, "Julie" (Jennifer Summers) gets in on the action as she begins changing into a zombie super solider herself.

"So in this scene, we are going to play doctor! Let me just put on my rubber gloves! Oops, could you give me... "a hand"? Aha...ahahaha.....ahahahahahaaaa!!!

Laugh, its funny!"

To see why this movie came out so badly, lets take a look under the hood. To start with, the director is Mark Steven Grove, a man who's most prominent accomplishment was being a stunt man and weapons handler on the 1998 movie "3 Ninja's: High Noon at Mega Mountain". This is not an accomplishment you should proudly list on your resume. This is the type of job that you hide in shame and hope that people don't find out about.

People like me.

People who say things like, "Hey, being a stunt man on a crappy movie sequel trying to wring the last few bucks out of a dying second rate franchise does not qualify you to direct a movie." and "The fact that you were able to make this movie is proof to me that there is no such thing as a just and benevolent higher power." Its a pretty sad thing when the best thing you've ever worked on was a piece of crap, and you can only aspire to be partially as successful on your own project.

Behold the Drama!!!

Next we have the writer, the mysterious Dave Hodel. This is the only thing that Dave has ever written, at least, the only thing that's ever been published in any form. Let's dissect one of my favorite scenes from the movie and I'll show you what I mean.

Throughout "The Shadow Walkers" there is a nerdy looking guy watching monitors of various happenings in the complex. His job, apparently, is to monitor the goings on and to make sure that no one escapes the lock down. At the end of the movie, Reeve and Julie escape from the "bottom" of the underground complex, and the nerdy zombie-voyeur watches through he monitor. He tries to call "General Radler" (Alan Shackelford), but his assistant refuses to put the General on the line. Why?

Because the General is watching T.V., that's why. He's "Very busy and can't be bothered". So Nerd boy runs upstairs with a print out (why does he need a print out to say "They've escaped"?) knocks over some girl carrying a bunch of files, stops to help her and cop a quick feel before grabbing his printout and running to the General's office. At which point, the General's assistant stops nerd boy and tells him once again "The General is very busy and can't be bothered right now." After several attempts to flag the General's attention, he pauses his video of people playing paintball or whatever and says "What's all this about? Can't it wait? I'm very busy!"

Nerd boy explains that the complex has been breached and that the subjects have escaped, to which the General responds "What! Why didn't you tell me earlier!" and scurries out of the room to sick the super zombie soldier prototype after the heroes, which probably means that they were planning on a sequel. Somehow I doubt that's going to happen.

So what's wrong with this scene? Is it the fact that its all transparent and unbelievable? Are we to believe that a military official capable of running a top secret project is going to ignore the guy in charge of making sure nothing goes wrong for "no raisin"? Was this the best Hodel could come up with or did he just get lazy toward the end of his screenplay? Who knows? One thing's for certain though, The Shadow Walkers takes place underground and that's where it should stay: Buried.

Well, I can at least think of some better ways to pass the time:

Hellraiser 3: Hell on film

Welcome back Sporefans! This week we're taking a break from our Shop-Rite movie fest, as we here at Spored to Death publishing have had a chance to watch some classic horror this week. I'm referring to non other than the "Hellraiser" series of movies, and in our case only the first 3.













For those of you unfamiliar with the Hellraiser series, here's a little background information. Hellraiser is a cult movie that has spawned a series of sequels over the years, but the original concept and movie are the work of writer/director/visual artist Clive Barker. Barker endeavored to create a world with its own mythos, much like the work of H.P. Lovecraft.

There are similar themes between Barker and Lovecraft's works. They both allude to a world that exists parallel to our own, full of dark mysteries and wonders; as well as mind rending horrors and fates beyond imagining. Both allow everyday people to access these realms through a series of ritualistic actions. In both mythological paradigms, the beings that inhabit the other realms are beyond the concepts of good and evil; but unlike the ambivalent Lovecraftian elder gods who ignore humanity like a mammoth ignores fleas, the creatures from Barker's imagination take a much more personal and, uh... what's the word I'm looking for...

Sadomasochistic... that's it, a sadomasochistic view toward humanity.








Look at my exposed nipples. Loooooook!


After all, the original title of the movie Hellraiser was "Sadomasochists From Beyond The Grave". This explains all the people wearing leather outfits with exposed nipples. We here at Spored to Death publishing have come up with the following analogy: What if Great Cthulhu wanted to give you a spanking?













Big Daddy Cthulhu.

Creeped out yet? Good.


Hellraiser, and its sequels revolve around creatures from another plane of existence, called Cenobites, who make no distinction between pleasure and pain. The cenobites can only cross over into our world when someone solves a mystical ornate puzzle box which opens the gate between the realms... and usually shoots hooked chains into the person holding the box.














The box!!!


Occasionally a soul that is taken by the centobites escapes back into our realm, and has to reassemble their body by taking the flesh of other people. This usually leads to having someone walking about without their skin on, and all the custodial nightmares you can imagine in a late 80's house with a primarily white interior with skinless inhabitants. Lets see if you can get those bloody footprint stains out of these white heavy shag rugs!








Uh, lady, could you stop bleeding all over my house? Please?


The first movie is written and directed by Clive Barker himself and is the truest representation of his vision... because, you know... he did it. If you've read any of Barker's works, you'll notice the recurrent themes of his writing being skillfully painted on the screen. Barker associates the intense sexual desires of his characters with a lust for life, and juxtaposes this with images of corpses in various forms of decay (usually covered in maggots) which represent the discarded shells which can no longer move as they have lost their desires. Ultimately Barker is stating that appetites and desires are the core essence of life, and the force which moves our bodies. This appetite if properly cultivated can survive even after the body has long decayed, and is the core of each of his otherworldly characters.

Nice and artsy, huh?

In the sequel, Hellbound: Hellraiser 2, most of the ideology is transferred, but the story is pushed in a new direction to give you a glimpse of what lies beyond the realm of human knowledge. The characters are given a chance to explore "Hell", although it is usually not referred to as such in the movie. More of the dynamics of Barker's world are revealed in this movie when the principle laws that bind the centobites and their interactions with the mortals are altered, creating an imbalance which removes most of the protections on the "mortal" realm. Considering that Barker only wrote this movie, and it was directed by Tony Randel, it came out fairly well.

Then Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth happened, and the whole thing became a world of pure dookie.

The movie starts just as the other 2 movies in the series have started, by bringing someone back from the dead. In this case, the person being brought back to "life" is none other that Pinhead, the lead centobite from the first two movies. This is accomplished in much the same fashion as the other movies, where an inanimate object has blood spilled upon it and the soul inside is gradually given flesh as more and more blood and flesh are fed to it.

However, in this instance, for some unknown reason, Pinhead has developed a sort of multiple personality disorder. In this case, physically (or spiritually???) as there is now that man who was once Pinhead who inhabits a realm all of his own and acts upon the dreams of the main character: Joey Summerskill, played by Terry Farrell (more commonly recognized as Jadzia Dax from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. On a quick side note here, the father in the first movie is played by Andrew Robinson, who also winds up on DS9 as Garak. Looks like your only way out of Hell here is to go onto a Star Trek spin off. Whooooooo! Scary! )













That symbiant can't save you from Pinhead!

Moving on, the man who was Pinhead who is now "good" exists as a spirit, and the evil monster that he was is given flesh and is now regarded as his "evil" half. So we're already getting away from the first two movies by labelling two characters as good and evil, a concept that was shied away from (but not completely omitted) from the first two movies.

The movie progresses fairly well until we reach the last third of the film, where Pinhead is given flesh and allowed to walk amongst the residents of our world free of the constrictions of the laws of his own world. Predictably, Pinhead begins killing off people in a local night club, but unlike the previous movies Pinhead attacks in gimmicky, almost comical at times. The DJ is impaled with CD's that fly on their own accord, the bartender who served flaming drinks is set aflame, and the TV cameraman has his head ripped off and a camera shoved on his stump of a neck.

Duh! I'm coming for ya, duuuhhhiiieee!


Now for those of you who haven't seen the first movie in a while, this is actually a 180 for the character Pinhead; because in the first two movies... he's the hero. Er... sort of.

In the first movie Pinhead shows up in time to rescue Kristy (played by Ashley Laurence), the main character of the first two films, from her abuse Uncle Frank who has come back from the dead to sleep with her step-mother and sexually molset her while wearing her Father's skin. Likewise, in the second movie, Pinhead rescues Kristy again from a new Doctor Centobite that ultimately leads to Pinheads somewhat heroic death. So by comparison, Pinhead is not actually the bad guy. But in Hellraiser 3, they decided that it was time that Pinhead just killed a whole lot of people, because bodycount = cash!

Hello Kristy. Its your Uncle Frank. Come to daddy!

Then it gets worse.

As Pinhead pursues Joey to claim the puzzlebox (which must now be given to him voluntarily, for no apparent raisin he takes the corpses of the nightclub victims and transforms them into a new troop of centobites. Unfortunately, unlike the first set of centobites from the previous movies, these centobites are infused with the ironic and peculiar humor of the 1980's!

Now, I don't know what was going through Tony Randal and Peter Atkin's minds when they were writing this screenplay, so I've taken the liberty of writing up what I think happened at the jam session while the two were writing the script. Lets have a look, shall we?

A: "Dude, and then he like totally makes some new centobites, and they're like awesome and stuff!"

B: "Oh yeah, totally. Like the cameraman has, like, a camera eye, and like, totally kills someone with it!"

A: "Awesome! And like, the nightclub guy, could have like pipes in his head. Cause he was all, like, layin' pipe and stuff!"

B: "Dude, no! Pistons! Cause they pump!"

A: "Aw, radical! And like, the bartender who served the flaming drinks, could like breathe fire!"

B: "We need some more dude... lets see, what about the DJ? He could like kill people with sonic waves or something..."

A: "No, no wait! We could totally make him shoot CD's, like in that movie, "I come in Peace". That was totally an awesome movie, dude, you gotta see it."

B: "Yeah. All right. And like, the girl who was, like Joey's friend she could like.... uh..."

A: "Uh... Dude... Uh...."

B: "Well, she smokes, right? She could, I dunno, burn people... with cigarettes..."

A: "Uh... yeah. That really hurts... I guess."

So as this shallow artistic well runs dry in my little sketch, I hope you can see what I mean when I say that they applied the dazzling veneer of the 1980's. Further deliniating from the path, the ending sequence starts with Pinhead and the new centobites chasing Joey down the middle of a crowded street, flinging manhole covers at her and killing off the police and everyone else who gets in their way. This is a pretty far departure from the old Pinhead, who would just make barbed chains fly out from no where and tear you to pieces. No chasing, no games of cat and mouse, you just get ripped apart.

The movie ends when Pinhead tricks Joey into giving her the box, and is re-united with his "better" half. Joey then changes the puzzlebox into its "pointy" configuration and stabs Pinhead in the chest, sending him back to "Hell", as it is now openly referred to.

So what have we learned today children? I know that I've learned that sequels can and usually do exponentially degrade the quality of a story. I've also learned that people without skin make an awful mess, and that you should never play with ancient puzzle boxes... unless your into that sort of thing.

Remember Sporefans, my suffering is legendary, even in Hell, so your's doesn't have to be.