Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Warning from Space

Welcome back Sporefans. Recently we've been attempting to fill your need for reviews about creepy Japanese ghosts and giant monster movies. Well this week I was going to review another giant monster movie. There's just one problem: The movie I picked has no giant monsters in it. It looks like there should be giant monsters based on the cover art, but rest assured there are no giant monsters in this movie. I've checked the whole movie.


This week's review is for a giant monster movie with no monsters. Think about all the things you would find in an old 60's Godzilla film: Aliens, scientists, and giant monsters. If you cut out the monsters, you'd have the 1956 film "Warning from Space".

Check out that cover art. You would think that there are giant cyclops starfish attacking Tokyo. There aren't. The cyclops starfish are the aliens, and they're the size of normal human beings. Oh, and they're here to save us, not destroy us. This cover is a lie. A LIE!

I'd like to let my readers know what this movie was about, but its really hard to tell through the film that badly needs restoration and the sound that keeps ramping up the treble and cutting out the base at critical moments. I think I was watching a movie about some aliens who were attempting to get in touch with some Japanese scientists, but were having problems because they were giant starfish cyclops people and everyone ran away when they saw them. Either that or it was more warped than I coupld possibly imagine.

Why does everyone run away from me?

Eventually one of these aliens gets the bright idea to transform into a human. Not just any human mind you, a famous singer and dancer named Hikari Aozora (played by Toyomi Karita). The "real" Hikari also makes a couple of appearances in the movie, and usually faints as soon as anything weird happens.

Looks like the aliens still need a circle for their transmutations.

The rest of the main cast is hard to make out, as the movie rarely spends time on any one character, until they all jumble together. There are 3 scientists, but its really hard to tell which one does what until the last half of the movie. One is an astronomer, one is a physicist, and one is a chemist or detective or something.

Two of the scientists also have some kids in their 20's who spend the entire movie eyeing each other romantically, in that naive 1950's courtship way. You know; the way they scandalously hold hands when no one is looking. Somebody call Tom Bosley, it looks like a Happy Day reunion over here.

Was that an alien I heard, or is dad coming home in one of his drunken stupors again? Please let it be an alien.

So eventually, the scientist guys get the "Warning from Space" about a runaway planet on a collision course with Earth. The "alien" informs them that they come from the planet... Paella, or Paira or something. The alien home world exists on a synchronous orbit on the opposite side of the sun from Earth, which is why we have never seen it before. The aliens claim that they have been aware of our civilization for thousands of years, but I highly doubt that if they think that they can show up looking like giant starfish cyclopes and not freak anyone out.

The aliens also state that if the Earth is destroyed, their planet will also be destroyed. They never explain "how" that's supposed to happen, but you can assume that its some sort of gravity thing. Get ready, because that was a minor speed bump on the plot hole ridden trip that the rest of this movie takes. Usually a movie has one or two plot holes or continuity errors, but this movie has Swiss cheese for a script, and the cheese between the plot holes is rancid!

I now call this meeting of the starfish cyclops aliens to order. Does anyone have any hands? I can't pick up the gavel.

For example, the planet that is on a collision course with Earth "accelerates" twice in the movie. Objects moving through space don't "accelerate" unless force is applied to the object. Even if the planet accelerated and reduced the remaining time that Earth had left, it would also alter the point at which the planet would pass thought the orbital path of the Earth, and thereby cause it to miss us.

Here's another good one: One of the scientists is working on a theoretical explosive that would make the atom bomb look like a cherry bomb. The alien singer/dancer girl glances at his notes and destroys them, claiming that her people had the same technology thousands of years ago, but destroyed it due to its potential for misuse (possibly by pulling a Serizawa). Later on in the movie Earth shoots all of its Atomic and Hydrogen weapons at the runaway planet (also known as Planet R), but it has no effect. The only remaining hope is the theoretical explosive developed by the scientist.

She blinded me with Science Fiction!

But wait! He was kidnapped by some mobster! Does that mean that the Earth is doomed? Well, if alien singer/dancer girl can recognize the formula at a glance, wouldn't that mean that she knows what the formula is? Plot hole central!

This transformed alien (seen left) finds out its not a good idea to impersonate a celebrity in Japan in "Attack of the Schoolgirls"!

Oh, and that kidnapped scientist? Well, the mobster that kidnaps him decides to have his goons extract the formula from him by force? What method do they use? Waterboarding? Sleep deprivation? Making him watch "The Marine" starring John Cena? No! They tie him to a chair and leave.

Check out these high tech graphics from "Warning from Space".

FIFTEEN DAYS LATER... the aliens finally get around to locating the missing scientist "just in the nick of time". Using a secret decoder ring the aliens gave to the scientist when the camera and the audience weren't looking, the aliens easily locate the missing scientist. Said scientist was about to fall from a collapsing building when the aliens teleported on over to untie him. After the scientist gives them the experimental formula to make a super weapon, the aliens show their gratitude... by leaving him to wander home on his own. To his credit, the scientist looks amazingly good for a man who was tied to a chair for 15 days with no food, water or access to restroom facilities.

The amount of time that keeps passing from scene to scene changes too. Not only does the "acceleration" of Planet R shorten the amount of time till doomsday, but a cut from one scene to another can shave days of the plot.

Planet R is closing in! Didn't I see this before in "The Fifth Element"?

Another scene put into this movie is the evacuation of Tokyo. If the entire planet is going to be destroyed, where are you evacuating to? Is there some designated death zone somewhere in Japan where everyone is rushing off to? On top of that, some of the evacuees leave their children with the scientist's daughter, who is conveniently a school teacher. The basement of the observatory also conveniently doubles as an emergency shelter, despite it being partially above ground.

Behold the combined power of human destructive theory and advanced alien technology! It's... over on the right... somewhere... Uhhh.... Its impressive, rest assured!

Let me give you this warning from cyberspace about "Warning from Space": If you're the type of person that asks questions... at all.. then you will probably find some fault with this movie. In fact, there are so many faults I'm surprised the movie isn't about an earthquake. So until next time Sporefans...




Since the Earth was ultimately saved, we're not sure how it would really look if a planet smashed into Earth. But if it did happen, I bet is would look exactly like this:


esuarez said...

For minute there I thought this was message from space. Which was a cheap star wars rip from the guy that did Battle Royale. I'll read the post and apply dutiful reader comments in a bit.

Blog first: posting without even reading the post.

blackcloud said...

thanks spored, now i have "crash bandicoot" stuck in my head! doom, dadadoom..that too..

Spored_to_Death said...

Now all you gotta do is make a mash-up of the Doom song and the Crash Bandicoot music! Sweet!