Sunday, July 12, 2009

Dead Snow

Welcome back Sporefans. This week we've got a real treat for you. We're going to take a break from reviewing movies to look at one of the best places in the world to visit: Norway! No, not Snorway; Norway!

Norway is located in Northern Europe, near Russia, Finland and Sweden. Its just a quick hop across the North sea to Great Britain; you know... that place where they film Garth Marenghi's Darkplace and The Wrong Door. Norway was once the home to Vikings, who sailed the seas in search of loot and people to kill. Norway is also home to many beautiful fjords. No fjords, not fnords. In short, Norway is a beautiful country full of interesting and welcoming peoples.

But Norway is not without danger.

Norway is home to a special variety of vicious creature. Its a real "you got chocolate in my peanut butter","no, you got peanut butter in my chocolate" kind of monster, for Norway is home to the dreaded Nazi Zombie. No, these aren't just zombies who will eat your brains, or Nazis looking for the lost Ark of the Covenant, but Nazis who died and became zombies!

In the snow, no less.

How do I know this? Well I recently finished watching the film Død snø, or Dead Snow in English. Its nice to watch something good once in a while, so I decided to turn off the Chiller channel and watch something on the IFC's On-Demand service. From what I understand movies on IFC are all documentaries, or based on true events. That's why there are always documentaries on IFC whenever I check out their programming in the evening.

Are we evil enough? Are we?

Wait, what? I'm sorry Sporefans but I've just been informed that IFC actually stands for the "Independent Film Channel" and that they have other things on the channel that aren't documentaries. I just assumed that all the stuff that wasn't in English was a documentary. So... I guess that this means that Dead Snow might not be a documentary.

But then again, it might be.

Who's to say that Norway doesn't have an Olympic zombie slaying team?

Dead Snow is a Norwegian film which was recently released in two, count 'em, two theaters in the United States as well as on the IFC's On Demand program which allows home viewers to watch a movie at the same time its released in theaters. I could have traveled to New York to see Dead Snow, but my lazy butt decided to stay at home and watch from the comfort of my cozy chair.

The movie takes place in the mountains of Norway where a group of medical students have come to a cabin for Easter break. The cabin is owned by Sara (played by Ane Dahl Torp), who makes a brief appearance at the beginning of the movie right before she gets eaten by Nazi zombies. Sara is the only member of the group that had decided to walk across the mountains in the dark to reach the cabin. I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of ways to die at night in the mountains of Norway, but being eaten by Nazi zombies was probably not on her list of hazards.

Do you think this gold might be the stolen Nazi zombie gold?

Nah! Let's take it! What could possibly go wrong?

The rest of the group elect a safer mode of transportation to the mountainous cabin: by car. In the daytime. That seems like a better method of transportation to me, especially from the comfort of my comfy chair. The group is composed of Martin, the med school student who is afraid of blood (played by Vegar Hoel), Hanna, Martin's girlfriend (played by Charlotte Frogner), Vergard who is Sara's boyfriend and the driver of the only snowmobile in the film (played by Lasse Valdal), Roy who is the movie's stock smart ass (played by Stig Frode Henrikson), Erlend the movie nut (plated by Jeppe Laursen), and the girls: Chris (Jenny Skavlan) and Liv (Evy Kassath Røsten).

Now I don't want to get too far into the plot of this movie, but I will say that there are three major events in the film. First, the med-school students are visited by a creepy wanderer (played by Bjørn Sundquist, aren't Norwegian names fun?). The Wanderer (as he is billed on IMDB) warns the students of the dangers of Nazi zombies, then leaves. Then, some people are killed by Nazi zombies. Finally, more people are killed by Nazi zombies. That's all I'm going to tell you.

This is one of Norway's famous machine gun mounted snowmobile soldiers. What do you mean you've never heard of them?

I did learn some interesting things from Dead Snow. For example, if you get trapped in an avalanche you should spit. If you just start trying to dig your way out you could get disoriented and dig in the wrong direction. Spitting will tell you which direction is down, and you should dig away from the spit. This is doubly true if you hock up a giant goober and its all gross and stuff.

Another thing I learned is that if you have access to a snowmobile in Norway you can pretty much Macguyver your way through anything. Need to explore a dark cave? Well you can make a torch out of a tent pole and a rag and dip it into the fuel from the fuel tank. Viola! Instant torch.

This guy is the Nazi zombie Commander. Do zombies even have Commanders?

Did you get bitten on the arm by a Nazi zombie and are you afraid you might turn? Well fear not, you can chop your arm off with a chainsaw and then use more fuel from the snowmobile to heat up some metal and cauterize the wound.

Did you get bitten in the crotch by a Nazi zombie right after you chopped your arm off? Well have no fear, as long as one person is still alive and capable of driving they can run you over with the snow mobile and grant you the sweet release of death.

This guy is having a really, really bad day. Trust me.

You didn't really think I would recommend removing that certain part of a man's body, did you?

No matter how you slice it, Dead Snow is a great zombie movie. There's no shortage of blood and gore, and the movie is pretty funny at times. And if you're really brave, why not take a trip to Norway and check it out for yourself? Just, you know, don't touch any hidden Nazi gold. You never know if the Nazis who hid the gold may come back as zombies to terrorize anyone who takes it.

Just like leprechauns.

You know what? Have a taste. Go on. I think you'll like it.

The review is over... does anyone remember where we parked?


esuarez said...

Here I thought the best way to fight nazi zombies was russian zombies.

Since this is norway does anyone fall into ice and sink into the darkness?

Spored_to_Death said...

Someone does fall through some ice at one point, but I'm not saying any more. You should see this film for yourself.

Spored_to_Death said...

The comment in Chinese has been deleted. It looks like it was a bunch of links to other sites, and probably sites of ill repute.