Monday, January 18, 2010


Spored: Greetings Sporefans. I know I've been away for a while but I've come back after an exhausting semester to provide you with a great review. Joining me today is a special guest, a newcomer to the Spored to Death Tome, please welcome Ria.

Ria: Hi everyone! Hi! Hi!

Spored: You don't need to wave, this is going to be transcribed into text. No one will be able to see it.

Ria: Hey! You're no fun! I just wanted to give a shout out to all my friends. Hi guys!

Spored: In any event we have a fantastic film we're going to watch tonight. Say Ria, what kinds of movies do you like?

Ria: Well... I like romantic comedies. Movies where a guy and a girl meet and fall in love and its funny and romantic. Do you like romantic comedies?

Spored: No.

Ria: Why not? They're really funny. I go to the movies all the time with my friends and we watch them. Do you know Hugh Grant? He's really good.

Spored: That's highly debatable. Wait, do you even know what we do here? Do you know what kind of movies we watch?

Ria: No, why? Are they good movies? I'd like to watch something good. Maybe with Hugh Grant in it.

Spored: Umm... Well I do have a couple of good movies. By that standard I don't have anything with Hugh Grant in it. Do you like horror movies?

Ria: Ew! Horror movies are gross. I hate blood and guts and stuff.

Spored: Ria, why exactly did you want to help out with this review anyway?

Ria: Well you're famous right? You know famous people, so you must be famous too. I want to be famous. Hi everyone! In case you don't know me, I'm Ria! I go to school at...

Spored: Wait, so you want to help me in with one of my reviews, but you don't like horror movies and you only like romantic comedies.

Ria: And Hugh Grant.

Spored: And... (shudder) Hugh Grant.

Ria: Yup! So how many people do you think will see this review? Also, do you think I could get my own column? Ohhh! Do you think I could get a part in a movie? With Hugh Grant?

Spored: Well, lets just try to get through the review first.

Ria: Oh.... OK. So what are we going to watch? Please tell me you aren't planning on anything with zombies. I hate zombie movies! They're so scary!

Spored: Well, as you like romantic comedies I think I have the perfect movie for you. It a very romantic movie that I picked up a while ago but haven't reviewed yet. However, I should warn you that the movie is in Japanese. With subtitles of course.

Ria: Fantastic! I love foreign movies! What's the movie called? Is it funny too? Are there any guys who look like Hugh Grant in it?

Spored: No. There's no one who looks like Hugh Grant because the movie is from Japan and all the actors and actresses are Japanese. And the movie is called, hmmm... lets see here...

Spored: Audition.

Ria: Oh, so its a movie about a play? Or is it a movie about a movie?

Spored: Uh, yeah.... something like that.

Ria: Oh boy!

Spored: Well lets watch. For those of you who don't like spoilers, you should probably watch this movie first. I'll give it the official Spored to Death approval, for what that's worth. Its definitely a film worth watching. For the rest of you who either don't care or have seen this movie already, read on.

Spored: For those of you reading from home Audition is about a man named Shigeharu Aoyama (played by Ryo Ishibashi) who loses his wife to a disease. After years of living alone with his son Shigehiko (played by Tetsu Sawaki), Shigeharu finally decides to start dating again.

Ria: Oh that's so sad. His wife is dead and he had to raise his son on his own. I hope he finds true love.

Spored: Umm... what about his wife?

Ria: Huh? But she's dead!

Spored: (sigh) Nevermind. Not being an outgoing guy Shigeharu turns to his friend Yasuhisa Yoshikawa (played by Jun Kunimora), a film producer for help. Yoshikawa decides to hold an audition for a movie, albeit a movie that will never get made. Shigeharu can then ask the potential actresses questions and follow up with the one he likes best.

Ria: That's not really fair. What about the girls? They wanted to be in a movie! What about their dreams? What if one of the girls wanted to be in the movie so she could meet Hugh Grant?

Shigeharu and Yoshikawa hatch a plan.

Spored: Well its very devious, but they explain that there are plenty of casting calls for movies that never make production; so they'll just play it off as a movie that flopped in studio.

Ria: That doesn't sound very romantic. That Shiggy-hairy guy looks like a creep to me.

Spored: Shigeharu.

Ria: Bless you.


My name is Asami and I'm not crazy. I don't cut people up and torture them. Also I like other stuff that doesn't have to do with cutting people up. Like... Uh...

Spored: Anyway, during the auditions Shigeharu meets a girl named Asami Yamazaki (played by Eihi Shiina) and becomes infatuated with her.

Ria: Yay! They're gonna be so happy together! I can totally tell just by looking at them. Look, they're out on a date! Look, look!

Spored: Yes I can see. Anyway, as the movie goes on Shigeharu falls in love with Asami, but his friend Yoshikawa becomes suspicious of Asami because none of her references check out.

Ria: Hey Spored... why is there a bag in that room?

She's waiting by the phone. Waiting for Shigeharu to call her up and tell her she's not alone. But she's obviously not alone, she has that creepy bag to keep her company.

Spored: Huh? Oh, the room where Asami is listening to the ringing telephone? That's her apartment. Why do you think the bag is there?

Ria: Its kind of a nasty looking bag. It can't be for laundry. Is it garbage? But its in the middle of the room.

Spored: Well....

Ria: Oh my god, it MOVED! What type of movie is this?

Spored: Hey look, she's talking to him on the phone. See, its romantic. Its just what you wanted, right?

Ria: Something about this is creepy! I don't like this movie anymore.

Spored: You're over-reacting. Nothing is wrong. Look, they're going away on a vacation. See, they're happy. See, Asami wants Shigeharu to "love only him."

Shigeharu and Asami meet for drinks and discuss their goals in life. Like... well, you'll see.

Ria: Something about this still seems wrong.

Spored: Keep watching. Give the movie another chance. You'll see, everything turns out OK. Oh look, Asami has gone missing and Shigeharu is looking for her.

Ria: Missing? Does it have to do with that creepy bag? Is it a bag monster? Did she get eaten?

Spored: No, she doesn't get eaten by the bag. Its more like a mystery. There's even a murder with extra body parts, so its like a murder mystery.

Due to the graphic nature of this movie we can't show you exactly what happens in this scene. In place of a still from the movie we have simulated the effects usimg a sleeping kitteh and some zombie parts. Enjoy!

Ria: Extra body parts? Murder? I thought this was a romantic comedy.

Spored: I thought I told you I don't like romantic comedies.

Ria: But you said this movie was romantic!

Spored: Yes. But I never said it was a comedy.

Ria: What kind of movie is this? I don't like this anymore Spored. And I certainly don't like you.

Spored: You're missing the movie! Watch. See? Shigeharu has tracked down Asami's old ballet teacher (played by Renji Ishibashi). He's trying to find Asami. That means he loves her, so its romantic.

Ria: Well... I guess you have go through many trials for true love. Even if it means hanging out with some creepy old man in a wheel chair. I guess you have to hang out with creeps sometimes to meet your true love. Do you think Hugh Grant reads your column?

Spored: Its a blog, actually. And no, I don't think he does.

Ria: That sucks. Hey wait! That old man is hurting a little girl. Is that supposed to be young Asami? That's terrible! No wonder she's so strange! Poor Asami!

Spored: Yes, I believe that is Asami. But keep watching. Shigeharu continues to look for Asami, but can't find her. Yoshikawa tries to dissuade him, but Shigeharu is determined to find her. Oh look! Asami has found the ballet teacher. Do you think they'll have a warm reunion?

Ria: But he hurt her. He's a bad man! And creepy! Just like you Spored.

Spored: Yes, I suppose I am a little creepy.

Ria: Why would you admit that? You're so weird.

Spored: Oh hey. What's that thing Asami has? It looks like some sort of piano wire with a handle on each end.

Ria: Why is she wrapping the wire around his neck? Spored?!

Spored: Well you see, she's...


Spored: For those of you reading this at home, I don't want to spoil too much, but I will give you three words that will sum up what just transpired.

Spored: Piano.

Spored: Wire.

Spored: Decapitation.

Due to the graphic nature of this scene we can not show you anything. Seriously, there's no way we can show you what just happened. Its just not gonna fly. Instead, have a picture of a cute sleeping kitteh.

Ria: I don't want to watch this movie anymore!

Spored: But if you don't watch the whole movie you can't be in the review.

Ria: What! Why not?

Spored: That's just the way it works. You can't review part of a movie. You have to watch the whole thing, no matter how bad the movie is. That's how we roll at Spored to Death Publishing.

Ria: But its so horrible! I feel sick.

Spored: Yeah. You get used to that.

Ria: This is terrible! Can't we watch something else?

Spored: Well the only alternatives I have for today all involve zombies or blood beasts.

Ria: What's a blood beast? Nevermind, I don't want to know. Hey! There's a guy in that bag! And he's missing his fingers!

Spored: And his feet. And his tongue.

Ria: Gross! Why doesn't he have feet?

Spored: Well obviously he's a chicken man.

Ria: That's not funny!

Spored: Yes it is. Come on, just watch the movie.

If you were looking for a picture of the chicken man, your chick out of luck. Man, that sucked. In the meantime, we have a suitable creative alternative to what happened to the missing pieces from the chicken man. Look how vicious that wild predator is!

Ria: Why did Shiggy-hairy just fall down? And why is the Asami wearing that leather apron? What's going on?

Spored: Well if you were paying attention you would have figured out that Asami drugged him and that she's a psychopath. Oh hey look, this is the part with the needles!

Ria: What needles? I don't like needles!

Spored: Those needles. I don't want to ruin too much for the Sporefans...

Ria: I'm going to be sick!!!

Spored: Hold on, I'll pause the movie for you.

Ria: I hate you!

Spored: Bathroom's down the hall.

Spored: While Ria is out of the room let me just say that Audition is truly a disturbing film. I regret that we did not post pictures of the horrific events at the end of the movie, but I felt that it would ruin the most shocking parts of this film for the people who want to watch it and haven't seen it yet. Also, my editor told me that it might be too graphic for some readers and suggested that we put up pictures of cute cats instead. Being a cat, my editor volunteered to be in the replacement pictures.

Spored to Death Publishing Editor in Chief: Meow.

Behold the most vicious of all furry predators! Its the editor in chief!

Spored: Isn't she adorable?

Ria: Is it over?

Spored: No, I paused the movie for you, remember?

Ria: I don't want to watch it anymore. I don't care if I don't get in the review. I've had enough.

Spored: And to think I spared you from some of the more horrible movies in my collection. Don't you want to be famous anymore? Don't you want to meet... oh, who was it now... don't tell me... was it Hugh Durrant?

Ria: No, it was Hugh Grant! And what do you mean you spared me? There are movies worse than this?

Spored: Well, they're no where near as violent... but until you've seen Half-Caste you don't know what real pain is.

Ria: Look I don't care about your stupid movies, I just...

Spored: Hey, can I lend you me a hand with this?

Ria: Huh? With what?

Spored: Oh wait, you don't have a hand to lend. But check out Audition, Shigeharu can lend me a foot.

Ria: Ahh! His foot! That's so gross!

Spored: See, there's only a few minutes left. Hey, what are you doing?

Ria: I've had it with your stupid review, and your stupid gross movies. You're just... just...

Spored: Stupid?

Ria: Yeah! Stupid! I'm leaving! And I never want to see another movie from you as long as I live!

Spored: I didn't make this movie. It was from a talented director named Takashi Miike.

Ria: Whatever! I'm leaving.

Spored: If that's the way you want it, go ahead. Here, I'll have one of my zombies show you out. NOM!

Ria: I don't want to hear any more of your stupid jokes Spored! There's no such thing as OH MY GOD A ZOMBIE!

This is Nom, our newest employee at Spored to Death Publishing. Nom has a bright future here at Spored to Death Publishing, chiefly because we pay him in brains. Keep an eye out for Nom in future reviews.

Nom: Brains?

Spored: Nom, please show the lady out.

Nom: Brains.

Ria: Get away from me! Holy crap! Get away from me you zombie bastard!

Nom: Brains?

Ria: Why won't this door open! Help! Open the door!

Spored: You're pushing it. You have to pull the door open. Here, let me help y...

Ria: Stay back! You're... you're... evil.

Spored: Well, yeah. Didn't you know that?

Ria: I never want to see you again. Being famous isn't worth having your brains eaten. Stay away from me, you zombie sympathizer.

Spored: But... I'm a fun guy. Get it? Fungi?

Ria: Oh god... and you make puns too!

Ria: You're the most terrible person I've ever met, you know that?

Spored: Thanks for stopping by! Hey, watch the stairs.

Spored:... Wow, I bet that hurt.

Spored: Well.... that went well, don't you think Nom?

Nom: (nods) Brains.

Spored: Well Sporefans, tune in again for our next review. I've got a very special guest review from Blackcloud in the works. For once she made me sit through a terrible movie. Tune in next time, same fungal time, same fungal channel.

Nom: Brains.

Spored: Oh yeah, its a blog not a channel. Thank you Nom.

Nom: Brains.

And now for your viewing pleasure, the trailer to Audition. Also, for those not faint of heart, check out the clip of the movie. Yes, that clip. Not safe for work. Warning! This clip will pretty much ruin the movie for you, but as I know some of you won't bother watching the movie in total, I'm giving you the option to see what all the fuss is about. Use it at your own risk. Also, for some reason its in German.