Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Human Centipede

Welcome to 2012 Sporefans! Let’s start the year off right by starting the year off all wrong. Very, very wrong. That’s why for our first review of the year I decided to watch The Human Centipede.

And now, a disclaimer. I’m once again presenting a review in Sporevision, so expect major spoilers. Why? Well, I know that some people out there have heard about this movie and their curiosity might lead them to see it. I feel that the best service I can do for my readers is just destroy that curiosity before you waste two hours of your time in horrible suffering. The Human Centipede isn’t a movie you watch, so much as you endure it and pray for a swift, decisive ending.

You won’t get one, by the way.

I strongly encourage you to continue reading though, and not just because I’m ego maniacal and I love your undivided attention. Although, I am ego maniacal and I do love your undivided attention. But, if you don’t get any further than this sentence, please, please, please don’t watch The Human Centipede.

You have been warned.

For those of you who have read my review of Almighty Thor you know that Sporevision is my... unique reinterpretation of cinema. While the review is mostly accurate, its accuracy comes from a  reinterpretation of events from my perspective. I.E., if I think a character acts like a moron on screen, I’m going to portray them as a moron. Basically I take some crap on film, pull it apart and stick it back together to make something palatable. Kind of like modern art but, you know... good. Also, my work doesn’t cost $4 million a pop.

Our story begins with two loose American women in Germany for no good reason. The two girls, Linsay (played by Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (played by Ashlynn Yennie) are barely indistinguishable from one another. The best description I can give you is that they’re two flat characters with round chests. Let’s look in on them as they decide what to do for the evening.

Jenny: Hey let’s go clubbing.

Lindsay: I like clubbing.

Jenny: Me too.

Lindsay: Will there be any cute guys there?

Jenny: I like cute guys.

Lindsay: What about that cute waiter you were talking to?

Jenny: Oh yeah! He’s a guy!

So thirty seconds into the movie and I already find myself wishing that these girls would get their mouths sown to someone else’s butt parts. It’s not really a good sign when you’re looking forward to the “controversial scene” that people have been talking about just to get the characters to shut up.

The girls get in their rental car and try and find the club their waiter recommended. Eventually they get lost in the forest. Now, if you’re not familiar with the forests of Germany, you should know that these are some serious SPORING forests. You know those old Grimm’s fairy tales where people get eaten by wolves or lost for days only to find some witch’s house... and then get eaten? Not the Disney-fied, cleaned up versions mind you; the one’s where people die in horrible ways. They get baked into a pies, attacked by wolves dressed as people and chased by giants who live in the sky... and then get eaten.

I sense a theme here.

My point is that the versions of the stories I’m referencing are the versions that German parents told German children to scare the living crap out of them so they wouldn’t go wandering off into the night and get eaten by giant SPORING wolves. Or witches. Or whatever.

Well that’s where these girls wind up. In the forest. In the middle of nowhere. In Germany. On a dark and stormy night. Predictably they get a flat tire. And even more predictably their cell phones don’t work in the middle of the German forest. Then, just because writer/director Tom Six felt like it, the girls are menaced by a random German pervert who threatens to eat them.

No not that way; the other way.

I wonder if that’s what all the Grimm’s fairy tales are really about. Are the Black forests full of drive by pervs?

Eventually Random Perv (played by Bernd Kostrau) figures out that being a smelly creep won’t entice the two girls to get out of their car and drives off. The girls then have a vigorous debate about whether to stay with the car or to try and walk somewhere to get help.

At this point I can’t remember which girl was on which side of the debate. Really they’re just two straw dogs arguing flatly, so let’s just strip out those annoying little details like names. Trust me, you won’t need them.

Girl 1: We should go get help.

Girl 2: No, we should wait for help.

Girl 1: No, help isn’t coming. We should go look for help.

Girl 2: But we don’t know where we are. We should wait in the car.

This goes on for a while. Then... predictably... it starts raining. Have you noticed that things are pretty predictable so far?

Girl 1: Oh my god it’s raining! We need to go get help now!

Girl 2: No we should wait in the car!

Girl 1: But it’s wet and I’m cold! Come on! Let’s go get help!

Did you know that being inside a car can shelter you from the rain? I bet you did. Did you also know that cars with flat tires can still run their engines and therefore have heat? I bet you knew that too. Why? Because you’re not a character in a Tom Six movie.

So, say it with me now... predictably the girls decide to go walk through the rain to get help. What I did not and could not predict was the direction that they would travel. Did they walk back down the road from whence they came? No, they did not. Did they walk further down the road to see what was ahead and possibly risk running into that random German pervert again? No, they did not.

They decided to walk straight into the middle of the SPORING black German forest of death to get help. Why? And why are there no wolves in this movie? I prayed for wolves! I knew there weren’t any wolves, but I prayed for them anyway while the girls yammered incessantly about whether or not to go back to the car. But you and I both know, Sporefans, that if the girls were eaten by wolves the movie would be called Dumb American Girls get Eaten by Wolves in the Black German Forest of Death and not The Human Centipede.

The two girls happen upon a house in the middle of the forest. It is not inhabited by wolves or witches. No, inside is another creepy German guy, Dr. Heiter (played by Dieter Laser. No, really, that’s his name. Mr. Laser.) Do the girls learn their lesson from meeting creepy German pervert in the forest?

Which one was which again? I can't tell.

Dr. Heiter: Are you girls alone?

Girl 1: Yes. And our car is broken down and our cell phones don’t work!

Girl 2: And no one knows we’re here. Can we use your phone?

Dr. Heiter: (giving the girls a creepy look) Why yes. Come inside.

No. They do not.

Girl 1: Thank you so much!

Girl 2: Yes! It’s raining out there!

Girl 1: And we’re wet. Did you know rain is wet?

Girl 2: I’m cold.

Girl 1: I am also cold!

Dr. Heiter: Yes the German forests are often cold. Cold... like death... Would you like something to drink?

Girl 1: Yes please!

Girl 2: Do you have any vodka?

Dr. Heiter: No. All I have is... water.

Girl 1: Oh. OK!

Girl 2: Water would be great.

Yes. Being trapped in the cold rain often makes people thirsty. For more water.

Dr. Heiter: Very well. I shall get you two waters. And I will also call the automobile service. In town. For your automobile.

Girl 1: Oh good!

Girl 2: He’s a nice doctor.

Girl 1: Are you married?

Dr. Heiter: (extremely long, uncomfortable pause. In fact, more like a silence. In radio, you would call it dead air, but here we have a visual. Well I had a visual. You have text. Anyway, this is a very long pause.) No.

Dr. Heiter: Now. Please stay here. STAY! And... I will return... with your water.

Girl 1: He’s a nice man.

In my honest opinion, the next scene is the best in the movie. Dr. Heiter goes into his kitchen and pretends to talk on the phone to the local garage while drugging two glasses of water. Why is this scene good? Mostly because of the absurdity of Heiter pretending to talk on a phone that isn’t there. Also, if this is the best part of the movie, you know the rest of it is sunk.

Dr. Heiter: Yes. Hello. Garage? Yes hello. Hello garage? This is Dr. Heiter. Yes, you know me. From before. Yes from that time before when I brought my car in to you. Yes. How are you mister... ah... Mr. Fixer. Yes. Yes, that’s it... Mr. Fixer. How are you? And how is Mrs. Fixer? Oh? Well that’s too bad. You should have her see me about that problem.

Dr. Heiter:(while opening packets of rufies) Because I am a normal medical doctor. Yes. Quite normal.

Dr. Heiter. Anyway I have two American girls here who are quite lost in the German forest. And their car is broken down on the side of the road. Which one? Well... the road closest to my house. Yes, Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän Boulevard. Can you fix it? Great!

Girl 2: (calling from the living room) Ask him if it will cost a lot of money!

Dr. Heiter: GAH! BE QUIE... I mean... hold on. Will the repairs cost a lot of money?

Dr. Heiter: Ah. I see. Well, I suppose that’s not too bad.

Girl 1: Ask him if he takes traveler's checks.

Dr. Heiter: (sigh) Yes he takes traveler's checks.

Girl 1: But you didn’t ask him!

Dr. Heiter: Mr. Fixer, the girls would like to know if you take traveler’s checks?

Girl 1: Because I’ve got this cold sore and I can’t...

Dr. Heiter: Great! Great! They will take the traveler’s checks.

Girl 2: Hey! I’ve got a cold sore too! Did you get yours from Je...

Dr. Heiter: And you will send a car to collect the girls? So they do not feel suspicious that they will be sitting in my house for a long time? In about a half an hour you say?

Girl 1: Hey, look at this picture of the cute doggies! Hey, look! They’re all lined up sniffing each other’s butts!

Dr. Heiter: I must go now. The water is ready. Come quickly Mr. Fiffer.

Girl 2: What happened to Mr. Fixer?

Dr. Heiter: He went away. The bathroom. I am hanging up now. Click.

Dr. Heiter: (re-entering the room) There. I have called them. Now drink your water.

Girl 1: OK!

Girl 2: Walking in the rain made me so thirsty!

Girl 1: Actually I’m not that thirsty. Maybe I’ll only drink half.


Girl 2: Vitamins? Really? Mine just tastes like rufies.

Dr. Heiter: Ah. Well...

Girl 1: I’m sleepy.

Girl 2: Me too. Good night!

Dr. Heiter: Ah... Okay then...

I think the remastered version is a little more tolerable. Actually its a lot more tolerable and you get the gist of what’s going on. So in the next part, the girls wake up in a room with three hospital beds. They find themselves next to a really fat trucker guy as the doctor explains the complicated procedure of making them into a human centipede.

Dr. Heiter: As you can see from this chart, I have made my beloved doggies into a centipede. Then they were perfect. Until they died. Now, I must move on to the next phase of the program: human trials. So, I will be taking you all and making you into a human... centipede.

Girl 1: Why?

Dr. Heiter: Well... because of science and... proof... you see...

Dr. Heiter: Um... Well...

Dr. Heiter:...

Dr. Heiter: Because.

Girl 1: Ohhhh. I see.

Girl 2: But I don’t wanna be a centipede.

Girl 1: Oh. Well then, me neither.

Dr. Heiter: Well that is too bad, because you will be made into a centipede! NOW BE QUIET! I must explain the complicated procedure that I will use to make you into a human centipede! We start by cutting into the...

There's nothing like being lectured by a madman about his brilliance before he sows you to someone's butt.

Actually, I can’t allow this overly-complicated explanation into this remake. It just takes waaaay too long. Fortunately, I have a solution.

Spored appears in a puff of smoke.

Spored: Doc. Hey doc.

Dr. Heiter: What? Who are you? How did you get in here?

Spored: I just broke through the fourth wall. Listen doc, I’m really pressed for time here and my readers don’t need this unnecessary explanation. In fact, the movie didn’t need it in the first place. Can you, ah... you know.... speed it up a little?

Dr. Heiter: Speed... listen, these subjects need an explanation of my ingenious plan. I must...

Spored: (snaps his finger) Sorry doc, but we just don’t have time for that.


Dr. Heiter: Why did I say that?

Spored: See? That wasn’t too hard. Now, for the sake of brevity I’m just going to fast forward past the part where you kill the truck driver because his blood type doesn’t match and kidnap the Japanese guy to replace him.

Dr. Heiter: What Japanese guy?

Spored snaps his fingers and disappears. A Japanese man now resides in the bed where the fat truck driver was seconds ago.

Japanese man: (in Japanese) [Greetings. I am afraid that I do not understand why I am here. If it would not inconvenience you too much, would you be able to untie these restraints and let me go? I would very much like to leave.]

Girl 1: What did he say?

Girl 2: I don’t know. I can’t speak French.

Dr. Heiter: He is NOT FRENCH!

Girl 1: Ohhhhh....

Girl 1:(whispering to the other girl) He’s Italian.

Then some surgery happens.

Dr. Heiter: BEHOLD! I have created a beautiful human centipede! Get up! Get up! You are now like my doggie! Come, we go for walk!

Girl 1: …

Girl 2: ...

Japanese guy: (in Japanese) [I am very uncomfortable regarding this situation and would like to leave. Would someone please contact the authorities?]

See? See what happened there? There’s no more talk from the girls. Why? Because they’re the middle and back ends of the centipede. Now, does the movie get better from here? No. Keep in mind that we’re already about half way through the movie by the time we get to the centipede parts, so the first half of the movie was setting this whole thing up. This takes a long, loooooong time.

Now you’re all probably wondering about “the scene” that’s supposed to “make” this movie. For those of you who don’t know, it’s the scene where the latter segments of the centipede have to eat. I can’t emphasize enough how overly-hyped this scene was. The entire movie hinges on this 40 or so seconds of film and it’s really just not that disturbing. If you thought there was some weird German fetish video stuff in this movie, think again. It’s all just implied as they’re all wearing diapers and actually it’s just really silly. In fact, let me give you my impression of the scene so you never have to try and watch it.

Japanese guy: (in Japanese) [I must apologize, but I can no longer refrain from going to the bathroom.]

Girl 1: !

Dr. Heiter: EAT THE DOOKIE!!!

Yeah, that’s about it. Then some more stuff happens, mostly Heiter treats his new human centipede like a dog. The girl on the butt end of the centipede gets sick and Heiter decides he needs a new butt. Also he needs another segment to replace the sick girl at the back of the centipede.

But then... the police arrive!

The good news is that the movie is almost over! The bad news is that the police are barely smarter than the American girls, and their scenes are actually more painful to watch. Detectives Kranz and Voller (Andreas Leupold and Peter Blankenstein respectively) take some time to question the doctor while the human centipede slinks around in Heiter’s basement trying to escape.

Detective 1: Excuse me sir, but we found a car in the woods near your house.

Detective 2: Have you seen two American girls around here?

Dr. Heiter: No! I have not seen two American girls around here, and if I did I would certainly not sew them together to make a human centipede. That would be preposterous. Who would do such a thing? Eh?

Detective 1: Oh. Well...

Dr. Heiter: I tell you I have not seen them. No. Nein! NEIN, NEIN, NEIN, NEIN, NEIN!!!

Detective 2: Oh. I see. Well everything seems to be in order then.

Dr. Heiter: Saaay... You both look very healthy. Would either of you detectives care for a glass of water?

Detective 1: I don’t drink.

Detective 2: I would like a glass of water.

Dr. Heiter: Very well, wait here in the living room and DO NOT MOVE! I will return... with... your water...

Detective 1: OK.

Detective 2: I enjoy a good water.

Detective 1: Hey. What’s with this picture of three dogs?

Dr. Heiter: (from the kitchen) I am making water! For you! Whatever you do detectives, do not look in the kitchen. DO NOT LOOK! There is nothing suspicious going on at all. Nothing to see here! I am not drugging any water. No. That would never happen. For I am a normal doctor, after all. Normal in every way. NORMAL, I SAY! NORMAL!

Detective 1: Check it out, these dogs must really like sniffing each other’s butts!

Dr. Heiter: Here is your water detective!

Detective 2: Thank you. I thoroughly enjoy water.

Detective 1: Hmmm....

Dr. Heiter: Now, if you detectives will excuse me, I must check on an experiment. In my basement. I trust you can show yourselves out when you finish... your water.

Detective 2: OK.

Dr. Heiter: I am most certainly not checking on two American girls sown to the buttocks of a Japanese man; whom, clearly I would have no idea what he would be saying.

Detective 1: Hmmm... picture... picture...

Detective 2: Oh? So you don’t speak French?

Dr. Heiter: HE IS NOT, Ah... I mean, of course not! Don’t be silly. Why would I speak French? In any case, please finish your water and leave, as I am not acting suspicious in any way and have nothing to do with the two American girls who have gone missing who left their car in the vicinity of my house.

Detective 1: Dogs... picture... of dogs...

Detective 2: Well I guess that seems reasonable. We should...

Detective 1: Hey! You have dogs in this picture. Do you have dogs? Can I see them?

Dr. Heiter: What? No, I don’t have dogs.

Detective 1: Then... how did you get this picture?

Dr. Heiter: I found it.

Detective 1: (long pause) Where?

Dr. Heiter: Well...

Detective 2: Hey, this water is really good!

Detective 1: Something isn’t right here. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something stinks.

Detective 2 blushes and walks toward the window, opening it slightly.

Dr. Heiter: How dare you accuse me of hiding something!

Detective 1: You’re hiding something? I knew it! You have dogs here, don’t you?

Detective 2: Can we see them? Oooh, I like dogs!

Detective 1: Yes! Let’s see these dogs of yours!

Dr. Heiter: Gentlemen, I assure you that I have no dogs here.

Detective 2: I wanna see the doggies!

Detective 1: I think we should search the place!

Dr. Heiter: Well you can’t! I won’t let you! And besides, you don’t have a warrant.

Detective 1: Well then we’ll get a warrant.

Detective 2: Yeah! We’ll be back. In about a half hour or so! Don’t go anywhere or... stuff...

Then, BOTH detectives leave Dr. Heiter alone. I’m not sure how law enforcement works in Germany, but even if they don’t have stuff like probable cause something tells me that they still wouldn’t leave a suspect alone with potential evidence giving them ample time to destroy it. At the very least you would leave one detective outside the house while waiting for the warrant.

Also, they have phones in Germany. I’ve heard that they could call for a warrant. You know, and not leave.

Neither of those things happen. Both detectives leave Dr. Heiter alone, giving him time to kill the human centipede and hide the evidence.

Dr. Heiter descends into the basement.

Dr. Heiter: (taking off his shoe) Come heeeere little centipede. I do not want to hurt you.

The human centipede however, had other plans. During the scene with the cops it stole a scalpel from the doctor’s table and jumps the doctor when he comes downstairs... to the extent that a human centipede can enact an ambush. A fight then breaks out and the centipede hamstrings the doctor.

Which leads to a chase scene.

With stairs.

The slowest and most ridiculous chase scene in the history of horror films. The human centipede must non-verbally coordinate each of it’s segments to wind it’s way up the spiral staircase of the basement. The doctor gives chase, sliding his butt across the floor like a dog who got into the garbage and ate a bunch of dental floss or bubble gum. I think I got up for some coffee, and when I came back it was still going on. Then I got some popcorn. Still chasing. Did some laundry, a load of dishes, mowed the lawn... still going on.

Eventually the doctor corners the human centipede in his bedroom and comes after it with the scalpel.

Dr. Heiter: You have been a bad, bad centipede! I will now kill you! Until you die from it! To DEATH!

Japanese guy: (in Japanese) [After considerable thought I have decided that life as a human centipede is a fate I can not live with. Therefore, it is with great regret that I have chosen to end my life with this broken piece of glass. If I were not filled with shame and revulsion at being made into a human centipede I would ask that someone tell my loved ones that I miss them; but in light of these events I would much prefer that they never know the details of my death. And thus, I take my leave of the great stage that is life. Farewell to you all. Farewell.]

Japanese guy kills himself gruesomely.

Girl 1:...!

Girl 2:...!

Dr. Heiter: Do you know how expensive it is to get blood out of white shag carpet? Bad centipede! Bad, bad centipede!

But then... the police arrive! Again. This means the movie is almost over. But, before we can get to the sweet release of credits there’s still one giant heap of stupid to get through. As the detectives crash through the door, Dr. Heiter retreats to the pool room, leaving a bloody trail behind him.

Detective 1: We have a warrant! Now we will search the place!

Detective 2: I don’t feel so good.

Detective 1: Let’s split up! I’ll go this way! You go that way!

Detective 2: (throws up) Uh... OK. I guess.

Now in the original presentation Detective 1 opens the door and stumbles upon what’s left of the human centipede... that is, two girls sown to the butt of a dead Japanese guy. While this is on screen you hear a couple of shots fired and a scream coming from somewhere else in the house. Detective 1 runs down the hall to the pool room.

The pool room had been prominently featured in the movie at several points and was unique because the room is triangular in shape with one acute angle reeeeeeaaally far away from the door. It is in this corner that Dr. Heiter, armed only with a scalpel, decided to make his last stand against Detective 2.

When Detective 1 runs into the pool room, he sees Detective 2 floating face down in the pool with a scalpel in his back. Then, and I’m not making this up, Detective 1 starts freaking out and crying like a baby. After his sissy-fit he looks in the corner and sees Dr. Heiter with Detective 2’s gun. Heiter shoots Detective 1 in the gut and Detective 1 shoots Heiter dead center in his forehead and they both die.

How, exactly... does a guy who can’t stand up and is armed only with a scalpel able to overpower a police detective twice his size; stab him in the back, shoot him and then toss him across the room into a swimming pool without ever leaving a sitting position in the far corner? Writer, director and producer Tom Six expects you to be satisfied with “Well, the detective was drugged. That explains everything.”

Except it doesn’t. It explains nothing.

Frankly it’s just lazy writing.

While the camera focuses on Detective 1’s revulsion upon discovering the human centipede, you must assume that a series of improbable events occurs in the other room leading to Detective 2’s demise and Dr. Heiter’s possession of his firearm. As the rest of this movie is as boring as watching someone else watch paint dry, an action sequence at the end would have served to break up the monotony of a whole lot of crap not happening; at least just once anyway. Unfortunately it looks like writer, director, producer and severe Apodaca-ist Tom Six was not up to the task of explaining things that might be interesting.

Fortunately for you Sporefans, I have access to the latest in fictionalized fiction technology. After countless hours of research, testing, computerized CSI-like simulations, development, live fire trials and spelling, we here at Spored to Death Publishing can offer you a highly accurate interpretation of the events that transpired in the room where Detective 2 met his demise at the hands of Dr. Heiter. I believe that our re-creation not only answers all of the questions about how Detective 2 wound up floating face down in the pool, but also matches the quality of the original movie perfectly.

I would even go as far as to say seamlessly.

If you did have to suffer through this movie and this scene were added, I doubt you would ever know that this content did not exist in the original film. I now present to you, Sporefans... the missing 30 second action sequence that should have been.

Detective 2 enters the pool room.

Detective 2: Hey. You. Don’t move. You’re... why am I so sleepy?

Dr. Heiter: Detective! So good of you to join me here by the pool. Tell me... have you ever considered being part of a HUMAN CENTIPEDE! HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Detective 2: No. Not really.

Dr. Heiter: Well you should. Because now... you are the new butt! Now come here so I can do surgery on you!

Detective 2: Actually... I think I’m just... going to lie down here... and sleep... just... a... Zzzz...

Dr. Heiter looks at the scalpel in his hand and then at his hamstrung leg.

Dr. Heiter: Come on Heiter! Get up! That man isn’t going to sow himself to the back of a human centipede, now is he?

Dr. Heiter attempts to crawl over to the detective, but before he can get out of the corner aliens appear.

Yes, that’s right. Aliens. From space.

Alien 1: Greetings. We are aliens. From space.

Alien 2: Don’t you think that’s a little redundant?

Dr. Heiter: What are you doing in mine house, eh? I have no plans for an alien centipede!

Alien 1: We are here from the second moon of the planet Procto to conduct scientific experiments on human kind.

Dr. Heiter: Ah. Well. I can relate to that.

Alien 1: You can?

Dr. Heiter: Yes, of course! For I, too am a scientist!

Alien 2: Yeah. Scientist. Sure.

Dr. Heiter: Look gentleme... er... whatever you may be. While I appreciate your situation, I can not allow you to take mine specimen, as I require it for my human centipede experiment.

Alien 2: Specimen? Oh, you mean this guy?

Alien 2 kicks the unconscious detective.

Alien 2: Oh, we’re not here for him.

Dr. Heiter: Eh? I don’t understand.

Alien 1: We are only interested in humans who have a specific, ah... ailment.

Dr. Heiter: Oh. I see. You are interested in studying our diseases. What ailment are you studying?

Alien 2: Butt rot.

Alien 1: No! Stop calling it that! He means what you humans call rectal cancer.

Dr. Heiter: Wait... so if you are not here for this detective... that means...

Alien 2: Yeah. You have terminal butt rot.


Alien 2: Whatever.

Dr. Heiter: Mine god! That means... I’m dying... but... You have a cure right? Surely your highly evolved race can cure me?

Alien 1: Well... to be honest...

The lights of the pool room flicker as an enormous wind buffets the house. The faint sound of whispers arise from nowhere and echo off the pale blue stones that line the pool room walls. The voices entice the listener with obscenities forgotten by many centuries as a lone figure rises from the now pristine surface of the pool. The figure does not arise from the water but the reflection that appears across the abnormally still surface of the pool. Once fully emerged it hovers inches over the pool moving slowly towards the two aliens and the detective.

Dr. Heiter: Why is there a turkey coming out of mine swimming pool?

Turkey: Behold mortals! I am the dark lord Satan, come back to this world in a new body (gobble). I come this day to claim the blood of one not of this world, so that I might be reincarnated fully and rule the Earth for a thousand years as I was promised so long ago!

Alien 2: (backing away) Hey man, I’m just an intern. Talk to this guy.

Alien 2 shoves Alien 1 toward Satan Turkey.

Dr. Heiter: Mine friends! Take this and defend yourselves!

Dr. Heiter tosses the scalpel to Alien 1. Alien 1 picks up the scalpel, but is obviously trembling at the approach of Turkey Satan.

Turkey Satan: Fool (gobble)! Such an object could not hurt me, even if you knew how to use it!

Turkey Satan knocks the scalpel from Alien 1’s hand and it lands in the back of the sleeping detective, who is lying face down between them. Turkey Satan jumps on the detective’s back and grabs Alien 1 by his neck


Turkey Satan: Now I shall feast on your blood and be reborn into this world (gobble). Soon mankind shall tremble before my beak!

Alien 1: Urk! Quick! Use the... time space... continuum...

Alien 2: Yeah! The box thingie! (Alien 2 fumbles with a strange looking blue box covered in knobs and buttons) Hold on. I just... if I had only read the instructions...

Alien 2 presses various buttons and twists several knobs and a large portal appears near the fray. A Tyrannosaurus Rex emerges from the time portal. It peers down and sniffs loudly twice before it’s eyes fix on Turkey Satan. The Tyrannosaurus opens it’s jaws and salivates as it takes a step toward the evil bird. Turkey Satan drops the alien and fends off the Tyrannosaurus with his fire breath lasers.

Turkey Satan: Back you vile creature (gobble)! If I had my full power, I would eat your skin!

Alien 1 picks up the detective’s revolver but almost drops it. He slides the revolver across the floor of the pool room to Dr. Heiter.

Alien 1: (hoarsely) Quick! Use this!

Turkey Satan sees Dr. Heiter point the gun at him, and before Heiter can shoot he grabs the detective from the floor and uses him as a human shield. Dr. Heiter shoots the detective twice in the chest. The Tyrannosaurus takes advantage of the opening and grabs Turkey Satan in it’s massive jaws. The Tyrannosaur rears it’s head and launches both Turkey Satan and the detective into the air. As Turkey Satan falls the Tyrannosaur opens it’s mouth, catches him and devours him. The detective’s body falls face down into the pool and floats near the entrance of the pool room.

Alien 1: Quick! (GASP).... Get rid of the dinosaur!

Alien 2 fumbles with the blue device and another time portal appears underneath the Tyrannosaur. The Tyrannosaur falls into the time portal and disappears.

Alien 1: Oh my god... Satan... (gasp)... Turkey.... WHY?

Dr. Heiter: Mine friends, I am glad that you are both safe.

Alien 1: Why is... (gasp)... Satan... a turkey? Makes... (gasp)... no... sense...

Dr. Heiter: And now, mine friends... as I have saved both of your lives... please give to me the cure.

Alien 2: Cure?

Dr. Heiter: Yes. For my... rectal cancer.

Alien 2: Oh. Oh right. The cure. Yeah. We have that. Because we cure people. Sure. That’s believe-able. It’s uh... on our ship. We’re just gonna... go back there and pick it up. Right now. We’ll be back.

Alien 1: And why does a turkey Satan... (gasp)... need alien blood? It makes... no sense!

The aliens teleport back to their ship.

Dr. Heiter: Mine god... to think that I have rectal cancer... I never even knew it. How fortunate am I that I now have two good alien friends who will save my life. I am so lucky.

Dr. Heiter:...

Dr. Heiter:(plays with the gun)...

Dr. Heiter: (sighs heavily and looks up at the ceiling)...

Dr. Heiter: Wasn’t there something else I was supposed to be doing?

And...CUT! As you have noticed, I have answered the three main problems with Tom Six’s missing scene. The detective is stabbed in the back, shot and in the pool far, far away from Dr. Heiter.

Hey Tom.

You’re welcome.

Anyway, as we’re so close to the end why don’t we just resume watching the rest of the movie in Sporevision? Come on, you’ve read this far, you might as well get to the end. And now, the conclusion of The Human Centipede in Sporevision!

Detective 1: (enters the pool room) What! Oh no! Noooooo! Why, God? WHY? He was so young and full of life! And he only had 28 more years before retirement too!

Detective 1: (falls to his knees, weeping) He was my best friend. We did everything together! We went to the park, traded baseball cards, staked out meth labs... and now he’s gone. My best friend and potential love interest... cut down in the prime of his life like oh so many cliched television police in a mid-season slump. And now I’ll have to tell his wife and two kids that... (sniff) Daddy’s... not coming home!


The detective notices Dr. Heiter. Dr. Heiter shoots the detective in the gut. The detective shoots Dr. Heiter in the dead center of his forehead, slumps down and dies.

But wait! Why does the movie end like this? Because the ultimate horror of The Human Centipede lies with the fate of the human centipede. Okay, no not really, but that’s supposed to be it’s ultimate horror. When we last left it, the Japanese guy was dead, the girl on the back end was sick and the girl in the middle was really unhappy. What happens next? Well, the girl in the butt end of the centipede dies of her illness, leaving the girl in the middle sown on both ends to dead bodies. Then, the camera pans up, eventually focusing on the exterior of Dr. Heiter’s house and continues to pan giving you an image of the sky. This gives you the impression that the girl in the middle’s fate is to die... alone and forgotten... while sown to some Japanese guy’s butt.

I don’t know a lot about the German law enforcement system. In fact, the only thing I know about German law enforcement comes from watching this movie. Analyzing the ending of this movie leads me to two possible conclusions about the ending.

A) That the two police detectives, who ran back to town to secure a warrant, didn’t tell anyone where they were going. No back up is coming and no one will miss them. Why? Because otherwise the ending of this movie wouldn’t be trying so hard to imply that the girl in the middle is going to die in this horrible situation.

Of course, there is one other possible explanation.

B) There are only two police in all of Germany; and now they are both dead. This would also lead me to believe that the entirety of German law hinges on the honor system.

As I said before... seamless.

Yes, this movie is absurd. But that’s not what makes it unwatchable. Not even the poop scene makes this movie unwatchable. That’s just the hook, and it’s really overhyped. The reason this movie is unwatchable is because it’s alternatively frustrating and boring. For two hours I sat and just waited for the movie to be over. I wasn’t revolted or horrified. I didn’t feel ill or queasy. I was just bored. For almost two hours I watched a bunch of idiot characters plod through a series of improbable events... and they plodded through badly. There are so many points in the movie where if one of the characters had made some type of realistic decision the whole plot would have fallen apart. The movie vacillates between segments of unbelievable stupidity and long stretches where nothing notable happens.

In it’s final minutes, The Human Centipede pushes itself to fit the ending that Tom Six obviously wanted with little regard for how to make it plausible. The ultimate denouement of the film is supposed to be the hopelessness and horror of the lone surviving girl’s plight. Except that by the time you get there you don’t really care about the characters at all, you just want it to be over. Watching The Human Centipede is an exercise in pointlessness.

I hope that if you have read this review that I have obliterated any curiosity you may have had regarding watching this movie in the funniest way possible. In the process I hope that I have also taken a giant, metaphorical dump on the original film. Do not watch The Human Centipede, Sporefans. Just. Don’t.

In fact, I’m not even going to post the trailer for the film, a first on the Spored to Death Tome. Here’s something worthwhile instead.

1 comment:

Christine B. said...

Your sacrifice is greatly appreciated, Spore. Thank you for saving us all from the poop! Love the kittens!