Memorial Day

Sorry kids, no review this weekend. The madness has set in. I refer, of course, to this. So between that, moving a friend, and some car troubles, I didn't really get around to reviewing something this week.

OK, so it was mostly the Ragnarok Online. I encourage you all to join me on this game. But it would probably be better if you got the install files from me, or at least found the 0329 version (not the version they offer through the site, as its glitchy). You don't need a social life this Summer, do you? Join me in the addiction.

Also, apologies to the two cast members from "The Evil of Dr. Satanicus" who's picture didn't make the review. Sorry guys, the pic was in the first draft, but it just didn't jive in the final edit. So to make amends I'm adding said picture to this post.

Also, check out my new pic in the user profile.

The Evil of Dr. Satanicus

Ever wonder what it is that makes bad movies so desirable to watch? Is it the improvised props due to budget constrictions? Is it the bad dubbing? The sets that are sometimes barns and sometimes basements? The costumes that occasionally change every other shot? The plot, so full of holes that it makes swiss cheese look solid and sturdy by comparision?

Whatever it is that attracts us to these movies like moths to a red light in someone's doorway, beckoning us and scores of souless men to come hither and either burn to death in a red hot blaze or give some woman $20 for oral sex, this movie has it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, "The Evil of Dr. Satanicus".















Shot, chopped, and scored in New Brunswick, New Jersey, on a tight, tight budget (if any), "The Evil" is 42 minutes of solid gold entertainment. Yes, you heard me right, this movie rocks. And when you're finished watching the movie, you won't have herpes.

And the best part is, its free. Just click on the DivX link on the left. So you can watch the movie and still pay for oral sex from a cheap metaphorical prostitute.

The Evil of Dr. Satanicus is the tale of a couple who's marriage is on the rocks who head out to a local park, or forest (I'm actually not quite sure) trying to rekindle their marriage. But unfortunately for them, the only thing the park holds for them is Evil! Yes, horrible gobs of sticky wet evil, that when unleashed will forever mar the face of the world!

In the park, they encounter "Knuckles" and "Brains", the two hoods who work for Dr. Satanicus, a crazy old man, and eventually the good Dr. himself. Combine this cast of characters with sound effects stolen from old episodes of "Scooby-Doo", a score of stolen funk, and lines that almost never match up with the actor's lip movements, and you have yourself a movie.






Brains shows Knuckles who "runs barter town".







If you've read my previous review of "Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness" you'll note what I said about Coolio. I said (and I quote) "Coolio definitely shows that if you can’t act badly in a good movie, you can always act badly in a bad movie and look great by comparison." (Me.) This movie is an extension of that very basic idea. With no budget, one camera, a bad mike and some friends, these people put together a great bad movie. Mystery Science Theater would probably sell a kidney to get their hands on something like this. Either that or Tom Servo would have to put on that Red light tonight.

For example, here you have Barbara played by Anne Goldstein.








Barbara number 1.






And one scene later Barbara is played by Cia Bates.







Barbara number 2.






And then there's this:






Hmm.... I wonder what's inside it.







And if that wasn't enough for you, there's this scene where Dr. S tries to brainwash Barbara using a metal colander and a can opener. In a basement.






"Are you the dark lord Satan?"







Why do we like bad movies? Because they're bad. If we wanted to see a good movie, we'd put on our Sunday best and wander on down to the local theater with a date, shell out $20 on tickets, and watch a movie that reminds us of every other movie we've seen before in one shape or another. Afterwards there'd be some dinner, some uncomfortable making out in the back seat of a run down old station wagon which would ultimately wind up in some sort of argument/talk about all that serious relationship and waiting for marriage jazz, and an uncomfortable ride home leaving everyone feeling tense and unfullfilled.

But the bad movies break the mold. They present stories that haven't been rehashed over and over again by Hollywood's stock of monkeys chained to word processors, cutting and pasting bits and pieces until you have the next "Speed" or "Mission Impossible" sequel. There it is, trying new things. Bending and stretching, to unfold new ways of looking and thinking about things.

Yes children, bad movies put out.

And when it comes to bad movies, there are "good" bad movies and "bad" bad movies. This is one of the "good"ones. Why? Because it doesn't try to imitate Hollywood. It doesn't claim to be a groundbreaking, deep, powerful action/thriller with philosophical overtones (whoa). The "good" bad movie doesn't try to fit into the tight, constricting tube top that is the canon law of Hollywood. It's loose and untamed. Taking chances and breaking all the rules. It is exactly what it is.

And in this case it's a movie shot by a bunch of college kids, probably while high. It's funny, it's entertaining and at the end of the day, you get to keep your $20 for something a lot more worthwile.

Pizza.

What did you think I was talking about?







And who doesn't enjoy a good smoke after some great "pizza"?

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

I hear that a lot of people say nothing good comes from Canada. They forget about things like The Kids in the Hall, Raymond Burr, and a whole lot of professional wrestlers. But in my personal opinion, the greatest thing ever to be exported from Canada is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

Shot entirely on weekends over a two year period in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada; this movie tells the story of Jesus fighting against the forces of the undead... in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.

With Kung Fu.






Jesus is going to Kick your Ass!


Jesus is called upon by two very untraditional men of the clergy, both of whom are eaten and killed within the first 10 minutes of the movie. Afterwards, Christ finds direction from Father Eustace who informs Jesus that vampires have been attacking lesbians all over the city.

But the vampires aren't the only enemy that Jesus has to face. On his way back from the store to purchase wood for stakes, Jesus is attacked by a car full of Atheists. The film truly shines in the fight sequences, as Jesus knocks the Atheists silly in a slap-stick, Final Fight styled sequence.

Jesus will take your own shoe off and beat you with it, if you're an Atheist that is.






Afterwards, Jesus is accosted by Mary Magnum, who joins Jesus in his fight against the vampires. This is followed by a brief sequence where Jesus is introduced to the clothing of the 1970's and 80's in a Retro clothing store located somewhere in Ottawa in 2001. After donning the garb of the period (roughly) Jesus emerges from a changing stall looking a great deal more like the actor who portrays him in this film, Phil Caracas.


About 10 minutes after that, Mary Magnum is bitten by a vampire and turned. Poor Jesus.








Mary shows off the novelty salt and pepper shakers she found in a retro clothing shop. So cute and yet so very, very creepy at the same time.




Grieving, Jesus goes to the local diner to eat, where he receives a vision from God in the form of a bowl of ice cream and cherries. The divine dessert tells Jesus not to despair, as the Saint of the ring, Mexican wrestler Santos is flying in to help Jesus defeat the vampires. If you think that this plotline is implausible, when you see the giant man emerge from the tiny plane that they had for Santos' arrival, you'll believe in miracles again. Or just about anything for that matter.

Jesus, don't forget to call your Mother. It's Mother's day!






I won't spoil the ending for you, but there is a knock-down, drag-out fight between the vampires and Jesus' "El Savior" Christ. Of course, I've skipped over a lot. The part where Jesus is rescued by a transvestite. The evil doctor who skins lesbians and grafts their skin onto vampires. The entire musical number. But because I highly recommend watching this movie, I hope that you'll all go out and try to get a copy.

In fact, why are you still reading this review? Go get this movie. Now.

And to all of those people who put down Canada, go out and drink yourselves a big glass of "Shut the Hell up".

Stuart Gordon's Deathbed

Now I want to make one thing clear at the start of this review. This review is about Stuart Gordon's Deathbed, not Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. I only wish the movie I was about to review was about a bed that ate people. Sadly, this is not the case.

Stuart Gordon's Deathbed is about a couple who move into an old apartment building in Hollywood and find an old brass bed. The bed turns the wife from somewhat of a prude into, well, into this:







And its not even my birthday or anything.




So then the movie turns into about 70 minutes of intermittent soft core porn with a few scenes of plot. What's really amazing about all this soft core porn is that Tanya Dempsey, as seen above never shows her boobs!

Don't worry though, there are boobs in this movie. Here's one now:







It's Joe Estevez!




Don't worry, Joe Estevez plays the building superintendent, so you don't have to see him getting it on with Ms. Dempsey. Now that would be horror! But sadly, this movie is severely lacking in the horror department. There are a few horror elements, some pictures the wife sketches, a few flashbacks and a ghostly image on a few photos. This movie is seriously tepid in the horror department.

Things really start to come to a head in the last ten minutes of the movie when the couple decide to leave the cursed bed and their newly found sex life behind. Unfortunately, the husband possesses the attention span of a rhesus monkey and walks into the cursed room with the bed.







"Duh! What's this? A scary bed? I hope I don't get possessed or somethin'."



Then of course, as predicted in the first five minutes of the film, hubby gets possessed and tries to kill his wife. He fails miserably as Dempsey uses a hammer to make his head look like a waffle. This is probably the only good scene in the movie, horror wise anyway.

The rest of the cast is rounded out by Megan Mangum and Dukey Flyswatter as the ghosts. Seriously, this guy changed his name to Dukey Flyswatter as a stage name. But I guess once you've done Surf Nazi's Must Die, you'd change your name to just about anything.

So in conclusion, this is a sad tepid little movie. Don't even bother with this one. If you have 80 minuters to kill, then I suggest staring at this instead.

Relocation and such

Due to the fact that I moved everything I owned over the weekend, there was no review. But no worries, as there should be a new movie review up Sunday night. I believe I've found a truly "great" movie for this week. And by "great" I mean god-awful.