Sunday, May 14, 2006

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

I hear that a lot of people say nothing good comes from Canada. They forget about things like The Kids in the Hall, Raymond Burr, and a whole lot of professional wrestlers. But in my personal opinion, the greatest thing ever to be exported from Canada is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

Shot entirely on weekends over a two year period in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada; this movie tells the story of Jesus fighting against the forces of the undead... in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.

With Kung Fu.

Jesus is going to Kick your Ass!

Jesus is called upon by two very untraditional men of the clergy, both of whom are eaten and killed within the first 10 minutes of the movie. Afterwards, Christ finds direction from Father Eustace who informs Jesus that vampires have been attacking lesbians all over the city.

But the vampires aren't the only enemy that Jesus has to face. On his way back from the store to purchase wood for stakes, Jesus is attacked by a car full of Atheists. The film truly shines in the fight sequences, as Jesus knocks the Atheists silly in a slap-stick, Final Fight styled sequence.

Jesus will take your own shoe off and beat you with it, if you're an Atheist that is.

Afterwards, Jesus is accosted by Mary Magnum, who joins Jesus in his fight against the vampires. This is followed by a brief sequence where Jesus is introduced to the clothing of the 1970's and 80's in a Retro clothing store located somewhere in Ottawa in 2001. After donning the garb of the period (roughly) Jesus emerges from a changing stall looking a great deal more like the actor who portrays him in this film, Phil Caracas.

About 10 minutes after that, Mary Magnum is bitten by a vampire and turned. Poor Jesus.

Mary shows off the novelty salt and pepper shakers she found in a retro clothing shop. So cute and yet so very, very creepy at the same time.

Grieving, Jesus goes to the local diner to eat, where he receives a vision from God in the form of a bowl of ice cream and cherries. The divine dessert tells Jesus not to despair, as the Saint of the ring, Mexican wrestler Santos is flying in to help Jesus defeat the vampires. If you think that this plotline is implausible, when you see the giant man emerge from the tiny plane that they had for Santos' arrival, you'll believe in miracles again. Or just about anything for that matter.

Jesus, don't forget to call your Mother. It's Mother's day!

I won't spoil the ending for you, but there is a knock-down, drag-out fight between the vampires and Jesus' "El Savior" Christ. Of course, I've skipped over a lot. The part where Jesus is rescued by a transvestite. The evil doctor who skins lesbians and grafts their skin onto vampires. The entire musical number. But because I highly recommend watching this movie, I hope that you'll all go out and try to get a copy.

In fact, why are you still reading this review? Go get this movie. Now.

And to all of those people who put down Canada, go out and drink yourselves a big glass of "Shut the Hell up".


esuarez said...

You won't find Jesus in that new Nacho Libre movie, but you should. What's Jesue got against vampires. Oh yeah, Hellspawn. Makes sense.

If Jesus truly loves us he should save us from Dracula 3000 and Coolio.

mario said...

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Spored_to_Death said...

It looks like some sort of scam. I wouldn't spend any of your hard earned money on that if I were you, Mario. Instead, head on over to your local video store and see if you can find yourself a copy of "Manos: the Hands of Fate". The money would be better spent on that.

Spored_to_Death said...

Looks like a bot has Mario's tounge. That must hurt.