Saturday, May 06, 2006

Stuart Gordon's Deathbed

Now I want to make one thing clear at the start of this review. This review is about Stuart Gordon's Deathbed, not Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. I only wish the movie I was about to review was about a bed that ate people. Sadly, this is not the case.

Stuart Gordon's Deathbed is about a couple who move into an old apartment building in Hollywood and find an old brass bed. The bed turns the wife from somewhat of a prude into, well, into this:

And its not even my birthday or anything.

So then the movie turns into about 70 minutes of intermittent soft core porn with a few scenes of plot. What's really amazing about all this soft core porn is that Tanya Dempsey, as seen above never shows her boobs!

Don't worry though, there are boobs in this movie. Here's one now:

It's Joe Estevez!

Don't worry, Joe Estevez plays the building superintendent, so you don't have to see him getting it on with Ms. Dempsey. Now that would be horror! But sadly, this movie is severely lacking in the horror department. There are a few horror elements, some pictures the wife sketches, a few flashbacks and a ghostly image on a few photos. This movie is seriously tepid in the horror department.

Things really start to come to a head in the last ten minutes of the movie when the couple decide to leave the cursed bed and their newly found sex life behind. Unfortunately, the husband possesses the attention span of a rhesus monkey and walks into the cursed room with the bed.

"Duh! What's this? A scary bed? I hope I don't get possessed or somethin'."

Then of course, as predicted in the first five minutes of the film, hubby gets possessed and tries to kill his wife. He fails miserably as Dempsey uses a hammer to make his head look like a waffle. This is probably the only good scene in the movie, horror wise anyway.

The rest of the cast is rounded out by Megan Mangum and Dukey Flyswatter as the ghosts. Seriously, this guy changed his name to Dukey Flyswatter as a stage name. But I guess once you've done Surf Nazi's Must Die, you'd change your name to just about anything.

So in conclusion, this is a sad tepid little movie. Don't even bother with this one. If you have 80 minuters to kill, then I suggest staring at this instead.


yarrrgh said...

If you watch a movie made by a production company called Full Moon, you know it's going to be ass. A company can only coast on the success of one movie for a limited amount of time. And if the amount of time is fifteen years and the "success" was Puppet Master II, it may be time for the producers to spend their time creating something of greater value to society than their films, like shit or toxic waste.
Speaking of which, Surf Nazis ust Die was produced by Troma Films, illustrious purveyor of such high-quality entertainment as The Toxic Avenger and Bloodsucking Freaks. I met Troma owner/producer/director/actor Lloyd Kaufman once. Then I washed my hands after he told me about his blowjob in the back of a New York taxi the day before (though he was decidedly vague concerning his own position and responsibilities in the transaction). This was within five, maybe ten seconds of meeting him. The man is awesome, even if Surf Nazis isn't.
And it isn't.
Oh boy, is it isn't.

yarrrgh said...

Another note:
I hadn't realized while reading this review that Stuart Gordon was the acclaimed writer/director behind Re-Animator (also, Robot Jox). Using IMDB to sort his movies by user rating, you can see that Deathbed is the second-least popular film he produced, just edging out Honey I Blew Up the Kid. Whereas it's the highest rated film directed by Danny Draven, automatically adding Hell Asylum, Horrorvision, Cryptz, and Dark Walker to Spored to Death's list of future nominees.

esuarez said...

This movie is kind of like RĂ´jin Z, but instead of a social issue like healthcare reform, we get well titties. Okay, so no chestknockers. Thus I'm left with nothing, just a bed.

Robot Jox now that's movie. If the Russians won the cold war, Robot Jox would be fact. We'd be driving mechs and they would be on surf boards like Euerka 7 and and well that's about it.