Friday, September 07, 2007

Sleepaway Camp

Welcome back Sporefans. I know that we've been gone for a while, but we're back with another exciting review for you. This week is a classic movie from 1983. Some of you may remember the title "Sleepaway Camp", but for those of you who don't know this movie, think Friday the 13th but without Jason... or his mom.

Sleepaway Camp stars Felissa Rose as Angela and Johnathan Tiersten as Ricky, two young cousins who have arrived at a Summer camp full of hormonally driven teenagers, questionable camp councillors, and a greasy cook who "likes em' young". Its not surprising that soon after the camp opens people start to have horrible fatal "accidents". Accidents that are covered up by the shady camp manager.
Also, take a minute and check out Felissa Rose's myspace.

Now, before I get too far into this review, I just want to say that I really had not seen this movie before and honestly did not know the ending. An ending, which, was summarily spoiled for me when someone brought up that Robot Chicken had actually done a parody sketch on this movie, which I had in fact seen, but had not remembered when I was watching the movie due to my inebriation. Click here to see the parody of the ending for yourself.

Now some of you may ask why I would review a movie who's ending is so available to the public? If everyone knows how the movie ends, who am I saving from having to watch this movie? And why would I purchase this movie in the first place?

Well I have an answer for you Sporefans. I bought and watched this movie... to save America from Scurvy.

Arrr... beware the Scurvy, dogs!

That's right, by purchasing this movie, I've kept it in the hands of people who can truly appreciate cinema of this caliber. If I had not purchased this movie, there's no telling what would have happened. But it would have happened exactly like this:

Picture a typical day in the supermarket. A woman and her children are shopping for groceries on a limited budget when the woman makes a choice that many parents make these days: to sedate her children using the television. Because of her inability to buy top quality Disnified entertainment, she sifts through the bargain bin and lazily selects a few movies with titles that sound like they would appeal to small children.

Movies with titles like "Sleepaway Camp".

And like many parents these days, this young mother is too busy yelling at her children for throwing cans of vegetables at each other and daydreaming about Brad Pitt to read the back of the box, and is blissfully unaware that she had purchased an "R" rated movie containing violence, bloodshed, and murder. All of which this woman might consider all right for her children if it weren't for the one scene of full frontal nudity.

The woman, in a fit of all American outrage, would then return to the shopping establishment and demand of a pimply faced clerk not only a refund, but satisfaction for the trauma caused to her children by the shocking fact that someone didn't have any clothes on for three and a half seconds.

The pimply faced clerk, who is not given the authority to act of his own accord, would then contact a manager to help him with the situation. The manager, being too busy trying to hook up with the new cashier would distractedly tell the clerk to "give her something to shut her up". Having a juvenile sense of humor, the clerk offers the woman a pair of melons to give to her kids as a healthy token of apology for her inconvenience. The woman, who now perceives herself as the moral victor in this struggle against naughty bits, proudly marches out of the store with her melons held up victoriously before her.

Man, what a pair of melons.

Not only until one of her children makes the comment, "Wow, those are some nice melons, Mom", does it occur to her that there was some sort of innuendo that could be attached to her free fruit.

With a renewed sense of moral indignation, the woman contacts a lawyer, who immediately sues the store for ten million dollars on the basis that the fruit was a form of sexual harassment. Not satisfied, the woman then launches a campaign to rid the United States of America of fruit that has sexual connotations attached to it. The group calls itself Mothers Against Sexual Harassment Through The Use Of Fruits And Vegetables, or MASHTTOUFAV.

You knew this would be on the list.

United by a common sense of perceived slight, the members of MASHTTOUFAV launch an all out campaign to rid the U.S. of melons. But even this does not satisfy their desire to rid the world of plant matter that resembles or is associated with naughty bits. Soon, bananas and pears are banned, cucumbers and zucchini are squashed. Even the apple, main component of the former all American apple pie, is outlawed for its association with Adam and Eve.

Pears resemble the female form... kind of...

MASHTTOUFAV finds new allies in the meat industry, who rush in to fill the void that was once occupied by the now forbidden fruit. Meat pies soon replace apple pie as the most American food, and signs that formerly read "Meat and Potatoes" now read "Meat: The food of a better morality".

Apple pie? That's obscene!

Soon after, a terrifying new plague sweeps America. Its symptoms are dark purplish spots on the skin, especially the legs, spongy gums leading to tooth loss, bleeding from the gums and all mucous membranes, pallor, sunken eyes and in the most extreme cases the opening of healed scars and the separation of knitted bone fractures. The cause of the plague is largeley unknown, but it strikes everyone across America with frightening speed. Pharmaceutical companies, unable to find a cheap and effective way to combat this new disease develop costly drugs that can only treat, but not cure this disease.

Little did they know that they were affected with Scurvy, a simple lack of Vitamin C. Well, I guess the pharmaceutical companies knew, but everyone else was in the dark, much like they were in the dark before John Woodall made the first observational attempt to combat Scurvy in 1614.

As you can plainly see, the reason that I watch these movies is not always to get a review out of it, or for cheap laughs; but sometimes to protect us from our greatest enemies, ourselves.

No, wait. I was wrong. Its for cheap laughs.

And now, instead of another youtube link, this week we have a poll. In order to expand our services, Spored to Death Publishing is looking to open a bulletin board. And you, the Sporefans, get to vote on where we're going to post it. So far its a choice between Google Groups and MSN Groups. Take a look at both and vote for the one you prefer.


esuarez said...

Aye! As a sail going captain scurvy is indeed a concern. Me mates were aflicted and they almost ate me. Yar! Wait isn't this the movie were the maiden fair is actually a bloke most foul!!! Argggghhhh.

Spored_to_Death said...

Tis' indeed that movie. Did ye not watch the Robot Chicken sketch of it? Arrr, tis' a short sketch, nary 10 seconds long. And the offendin' gangplank is covered by a sign proclaimin' that it be a gangplank.