Spored to Death: What's that? Where did I find "experts" for a movie of this caliber? Well, some of you may recall that I once did a review for "King Kong Escapes", featuring two incredibly memorable characters, the villains Dr. Who and Madame X. So it is my pleasure to welcome both Dr. Who and Madame X to the Spored to Death publishing offices.
Dr. Who and Madame X. You may remember them from "King Kong escapes".
Madame X: Thank you Mr. Spored to Death. I'm glad that we could help with the review.
Dr. Who: What? Why are we here again? My Mechani-Kong is getting all rusty, and I need to get back to work on it.
Madame X: Shut up fool! We have to fulfill our contractual obligation, or we can't get the funding to rebuild Mechani-Kong and continue extracting element X from the North Pole.
Dr. Who: Oh no! Not the funding! My research is too valuable to stop now!
Spored to Death: Thank you both for joining me here. I'd like to discuss the movie at hand. Our first feature is "Terror of Mechagodzilla", a film I'm sure you're both aware of.
Mechagodzilla in "Terror of Mechagodzilla". Boy I really typed the word Mechagodzilla a lot in these last few days.
Madame X: Of course we're aware of it. You made us watch that dreadful film. Your people will be severely punished once we have extracted element X from the North Pole!
Spored to Death: Yeah, sure, whatever. Anyway, lets have a brief recap for our readers, so they know more about the film. It starts with a group of scientists from the "Ocean Exploitation Institute" who are looking for the remains of Mechagodzilla on the ocean floor.
Dr. Who: Don't you mean the "Ocean Exploration Institute"?
Spored to Death: No, they said "exploitation". The crew of exploiters are attacked in their submarine by a giant dinosaur and killed. The movie then shifts to an Interpol Agent, Jiro Murakoshi (played by Katsumasa Uchida) and a young doctor biologist named Akira Ichinose (played by Katsuhiko Sasaki) who investigate the disappearance of the submarine.
Dr. Who: What an upstart! That little pup knows nothing of real science.
Madame X: And his clothing is painful to the eyes.
Spored to Death: Agreed, his clothing is painful; as its some sort of mind bending 70's plaid, hewn from genetically altered sheep and created on a dimension beyond our ken. It has to be, because no clothing from this world should be that painful to look at.
Ichinose: Hey man, check out my new suit. You like it?
Murakoshi: OH GOD MY EYES! I'M BLIND!
Ichinose: So... you don't like it?
Spored to Death: Murakoshi and his badly attired compatriot Ichinose eventually track down the theories of Dr. Shinji Mafune (played by Akihiro Hirata). When they arrive at Mafune's house they meet his daughter, Katsura Mafune (played by Tomoko Ai) who informs the duo that Dr. Mafune is dead. Dr. Mafune is actually alive and in hiding. He has been working with aliens and fostering his plan for revenge on the scientific community and the world... using his dinosaur Titanosaurus!
Scary sea-horse monster Titanosaurus. He sounds like an elephant with his... ummm... you know... well that part caught in a bear trap.
Dr. Who: I can respect a man who lusts for revenge. Ichinose was thrown out of the scientific community for being too far advanced beyond his fellow scientists, and I can definitely empathise with that. But he is a fool for entrusting his revenge to a biological monster. Better if he were to build a robot monster out of cold hard steel!
Spored to Death: Speaking of monsters made of steel, or in this case space titanium, the aliens have salvaged Mechagodzilla from the ocean floor and have repaired it. They now seek Mafune's help. Mafune pioneered a way to control Titanosaurus, and the aliens seek to capitalize on his advanced remote control technology. Mafune is obligated to help the aliens, as they rescued his daughter from death by making her into a cyborg!
Of course she is a cyborg. Look at her outfit. It is made of metal. Therefore she is a cyborg. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Dr. Who: Now there is a girl I can truly admire! She is beautiful and deadly, and has a heart as cold as steel.
Spored to Death: Actually she's made of space titanium.
Madame X: You would be attracted to a robot girl, wouldn't you? You scientists are all the same: technophiles!
Dr. Who: And what do you mean by that?!
Spored to Death: Let's remain on topic, shall we? We're talking about the movie "Terror of Mechagodzilla". Eventually Dr. Mafune jumps the gun, and unleashes Titanosaurs upon the people of Japan. For those of our reader's who don't know, Titanosaurus is a giant two legged seahorse looking creature that makes a sound like a drowning elephant.
Dr. Mafune: Soon I will have my revenge! Mwahahahahaa! What are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen a mustache before? Aha! Now you are on my revenge list. REVENGE!
Dr. Who: No! I demand that Madame X retract her statement! She's making me sound like some sort of freak for being attracted to a cyborg... er, cyborg-girl. That's what I meant. Cyborg-girl.
Madame X: Maybe its because you are a freak!
Spored to Death: I think that we're getting...
Dr. Who: What did you say?
Madame X: Shut up you! Or I'll cut the funding to your precious monkey robot and we'll scrap the whole thing.
Dr Who: ......Yes, ma'am.
Spored to Death: .......
Spored to Death: Anyhoo, Godzilla shows up and defends the city against Titanosaurus. The aliens then move up their plans to unleash Mechagodzilla upon the world. Ichinose figures out that Titanosaurus is weak to sonic waves, and the scientists build a sonic wave oscillator, which is later sabotaged by Katsura.
This will be the last time Godzilla appears in a film as a pure protagonist. Enjoy it now, for soon the Heisei series will be upon us like a nuclear disaster!
Spored to Death: Eventually Mechagodzilla and Titanosaurus show up and have a large fight with Godzilla. The humans help out by using their newly repaired sonic wave oscillator to stun Titanosaurus, which gives Godzilla the opportunity to win the fight. There's actually a really good scene where they do several jump cuts between the helicopter with the sonic oscillator and Mechagodzilla's missile hands that really builds tension, and Godzilla steps in at the last second to save the humans. A really good shot considering that this is a Kaiju movie.
Its a Kaiju Handicapped match! Watch out Godzilla, we hear that Dr. Cube is somewhere in Tokyo with a steel chair!
Spored to Death: So lets go to our experts for some opinions. Madame X, what did you think of the movie?
Madame X: Why is Japan full of American cars? They're everywhere in the movie. And what's with that cyborg-girl? She only has three outfits! That's ridiculous! In my movie, I had a different outfit for every scene, but I guess they spent all the money on American cars. I guess that's what happens when you don't have a good agent!
Spored to Death: Dr. Who, any thoughts?
Dr. Who: Yes! I have many, for I am a genius! Hahaha!
Spored to Death: I meant on the movie.
Dr. Who: Of course! I knew that! I think that Titanosaurus is a big waste of time, but it was on screen more than Mechagodzilla through the whole movie. Also, even though I think that Mechagodizlla was much better than Titanosaurus, Mechagodzilla is still vastly inferior to my Mechani-Kong!
Spored to Death: What do you mean?
Dr. Who: Well just look at it. Only aliens would concieve of such a clunky design for a robot. It appears that Mechagodzilla has a hard time moving. Such design flaws are truly the mark of inferior scientific minds!
Spored to Death: But... its just a big robot version of Godzilla. That's basically the same thing you did. You just made a big robot version of King Kong.
Dr. Who: Shut up! You know nothing of my work!
Spored to Death: But... I reviewed your movie.
Dr Who: Shut up! Shut up you! As I was saying, my Mechani-Kong is far superior to Mechagodzilla. Not only does it have lazers and grenades, but it also has a hypnotic flashing light which I can use to control King Kong through voice commands! Can Mechagodzilla do that? I think not!
Spored to Death: So, Dr. Who, tell me... when you got the idea to hypnotize King Kong and give him voice commands, how did you know that Kong would understand English? Or Japanese? I mean, he is a giant gorilla.
Dr. Who: .....
Spored to Death: Dr. Who?
Dr. Who: Shut up! You don't understand the power of Mechani-Kong! Mechagodzilla pales in comparison to its power!
Spored to Death: I'm sure that if we you ever cross paths with a giant robotic plumber that Mechani-Kong will be of great help by kidnapping the giant metal princess and throwing giant barrels at the robot plumber as he tries to rescue her.
Dr. Who: What are you talking about? There are no such things as giant robot plumbers!
Spored to Death: Looks like we're out of time folks. Join us next week for part 2 of our Mechagodzilla movie review special with our guests Madame X and Dr. Who. Until next week Sporefans, good night.
Dr. Who: Katsura, if you're reading this... call me.
Madame X: Give it a rest you old goat!
And now for your youtube link. Enjoy:
And now, a special preview of next week's review:
Dr. Who: And now you shall both witness the awesome power of element X!!!
Madame X: No, don't! You'll kill us all!
Spored to Death: Huh? Did you say something? I'ma... just a little drunk... you know...
1 comment:
all he needs are some elbow patches on that plaid jacket and he'd be pretty suave.
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