War of the Gargantuas

Sorry for the delay in the reviews Sporefans, but this semester I've been really, really busy with schoolwork. I'm no slouch, but I seem to be running shorter on time every semester. Even as I write this I have no idea when I'll be able to post it.

However, this week I've got an extra special review for you, as we'll be covering the Toho film War of the Gargantuas, or Furankenshutain no kaijû: Sanda tai Gaira for those of you who prefer the Japanese title. But... with this week's review, there's a twist. Read on Sporefans, it will all become clear soon.














War of the Gargantuas is a 1966 Toho film about two giant monsters who battle each other in Tokyo. The monsters are actually clones of Frankenstein, and this movie is an indirect sequel of the movie for Frankenstein vs.Baragon, or Furankenshutain tai chitei kaijû Baragon. During the fight with Baragon , Frankenstein's monster was "injured" and his DNA was spilt all over Japan. Apparently DNA from Frankenstein's monster, which for some reason became Kaiju sized during the fight with Baragon, had grown and created the two gargantuas who now reside in Japan.

Yeah. "Injured". I'm sure.

In any event, the monsters from War of the Gargantuas are created from the regenerated DNA of Frankenstein's monster. One monster grew up in the serene forests of Japan. The other monster evolved in the depths of the sea. Consequently they are the "Brown" and "Green" Gargantuas, or Sanda and Gaira respectively.

There exists one key difference between the monsters. Sanda, the brown one, is compassionate and kind towards human beings. Gaira, the green one, eats them. This prompts the JSDF (thats the Japanese Self Defense Force for those of you who are not Kaiju fans) to attack Gaira. They chase him into the forest where they shoot him with lasers and bombs, as the JSDF are wont to do. The JSDF are about to kill the giant green gargantua when the brown one appears out of the forest to save him.

And then it hit me.

At this point I would like to point out that when I first screened War of the Gargantuas it was mid-October of 2008. Election year. Media coverage was all over the 2008 presidential election, so it should be no surprise when Iept from my chair, stumbled for a second with a head full of whiskey and cried, "Holy Crap! War of the Gargantuas is a perfect metaphor for the 2008 election."

Needless to say, The Damned were skeptical of my revelation, as many of you are also skeptical of this idea. But my explanation won them over, as I hope to win over you as well Sporefans.

First, examine the gargantuas themselves. Sanda is tall, stately and calm. He is defined by his compassion for humanity and his yearning for peace. Clearly this gargantua has been modeled after Obama, albeit 42 years prior to the election. The second gargantua, Gaira, is shorter, stout and given to fits of rage; similar in stature and disposition to McCain, who is famous for his outbursts of temper, and is also from the sea. By that I mean he was in the Navy, not that he emerged from the sea itself.










Gaira announces his candidacy on a platform of eating people.


Obviously the following must be true: executives and writers from Toho studios traveled forward in time to the year of 2008 and studied the future so that they could use ideas about our technology and culture in their movies. Sadly disappointed with our lack of flying cars, the Toho crew climbed back into their time pod with as much information about the future as they could carry in their primative paper format. Once safely back in 1965 the Toho writers pooled the information together and created the movie War of the Gargantuas.

It's the only logical explanation!










Just like F.D.R., Sanda walks softly and carries a big stick. In this case, the stick is actually a tree.


Now, before you go calling my theory "crazy" as many others have claimed, let me further provide evidence for your perusal. Not only does war of the gargantuas parallel Obama and McCain, they also parallel their running mates. For example Dr. Paul Stewart (played by Russ Tamblyn) is a perfect parallel for Joe Biden. He supportive of the brown gargantua, he wears a suit and... uh... other stuff. And of course, how could you remember the 2008 election without thinking of Sarah Palin? She was the focus for the final months of the election. But if you were about to claim that the doctor's assistant Akemi (played by Kumi Mizuno) is the example for Palin, you'd be wrong. Dead wrong. Not only dead wrong, but eaten by a giant green gargantua.










No, for the thousandth time, the brown gargantua is the good one; he is not a threat to national security. Now get your FOX news mike outta my face!


No, in War of the Gargantuas, Sarah Palin is portrayed by the Tokyo International Airport.

Let me explain. There are three reasons that I think Palin's alter ego is the Tokyo International Airport.

A) Gaira chooses to visit the Tokyo International Airport and it reveals one of his key weaknesses: sunlight. McCain's choosing of Palin as a running mate was one of his key weaknesses. Also, no word yet as to whether or not McCain is weak to sunlight.

B) Both are equally articulate and recognizable by the media.

C) She would be able to see Putin rear his head from the top of the tower at the airport.











Oh goodness, look how busy Tokyo International Airport is! Golly, there are so many planes in the sky! I bet all the news papers in the world are in there, I sure do!


Also, as a point of clarification, Vladimir Putin shall be portrayed by the three headed monster King Ghidorah. For the record, King Ghidorah is not in this movie, and thus never rear's his head to threaten the Tokyo International Airport, much in the same way that Putin has never attacked Alaska with a giant inflatable version of his own head.

I will admit that there are some holes in my comparison. For example, to the best of my knowledge John McCain has never eaten a human being, nor has he ever endorsed the eating of human beings.

To the best of my knowledge.

But other than these small idiosyncrasies, I think this matches up pretty well. Either that or I've spent so much time in my journalism class that I'm starting to see parallels between bad movies and historic political movements everywhere. Why, just yesterday I compared the end of Hellbound: Hellraiser 2, where Pinhead turned on the new Doctor type Cenobite and saved Kristy instead of ripping her apart with chains to the speech that Joseph Nye Welch delivers at the McCarthy hearing when he said "Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?" See Welch turns on McCarthy when he's gone to far, just like Pinhead turns on...

OK, yeah. Maybe I'm just working too hard at this school thing. But I still maintain that Toho executives have access to a time pod. That, at least, makes perfect sense.

Have a clip from War of the Gargantuas. Perhaps then you'll see it my way. Or not.