Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Zardoz
















For those of you who haven't seen Zardoz, its a movie about a post -apocalyptic future where humans are stratified into 3 classes: Poor slobs, killers, and immortal superhuman psychic hippies who live in domes under the control of a supercomputer. Confused? We haven't even started.

I mean, I didn't even talk about the floating head that spits guns out of its mouth.

But in order to really appreciate the... goodness of this movie, you have to take into account who stars in it. And that would be Sean Connery.

Somehow, when Mr. Connery accepts his award for lifetime achievement from the American Film Institute, I don't think they'll be showing clips from this movie. I could be wrong, but it doesn't look like his finest achievement.

So in honor of Mr. Connery's award, I decided that it would be a great idea to interview him. Sadly, Mr. Connery was unavailable to be interviewed by a meager blogger like myself. So I did the next best thing.

I found a Sean Connery impersonator.

Hopefully, through channeling the spirit of Connery and the heavy use of drugs, I got what I hoped were approximations of the answers that Sean Connery would give in an interview.

Also, in order to comply with Blogger's policies, I'm forced to remove all obscenities that were used in the interview. In their place you will find the words Spore, Spored or Sporing. I believe that all of my readers with their lovably filthy minds will be able to interpret which "colorful anecdote" was used. Plus I get to rip off the Smurfs.

So without further ado, here's my "interview" with "Mr. Connery".

SPORED TO DEATH: So “Mr. Connery”, how was your trip in?

"Mr. Connery": The accommodations were disastrous. I’m an important man Spore damn it and sending me on a flight that has a stop over in that city from hostel was unacceptable. But I did kill a man on my way here. He kept yammering on the plane, so I cut off his head and sucked out his powers. There can only be one you know!

SPORED TO DEATH: So we’re reviewing the movie “Zardoz”.

"Mr. Connery": What now?

SPORED TO DEATH: How do you feel about this movie?

"Mr. Connery":Oh right, the barbarian movie. Well it was chance to work with John Boorman. Now this guy directed Deliverance. That movie with Burt Reynolds, hicks and butt love, and I thought yes this movie can have all of that greatness and me. Which would make the greatness level rise to even greater levels.

SPORED TO DEATH: Why is that?

"Mr. Connery": Cause the opportunity was there. Barbarians + future world + Connery = greatness.

SPORED TO DEATH: So I hear you took this role because it was hard to find work after doing the James Bond films. Is that true?

"Mr. Connery": I was at the top of my game after James Bond. I was turning down roles left and right. Once, I said "I’m not doing this Spore" straight to a Warner brothers guys’ face. I then said "see ya suckers" and I shot out of the office with the rocket jet strapped to my back.

SPORED TO DEATH: So in one scene, you actually shoot the director, John Boorman, who’s portraying a farmer. How did that feel?

"Mr. Connery": The feel of really killing man is so awesome. When I do it on film it kind of makes up for not doing it for real, but not really.

SPORED TO DEATH: What about the floating head that spews out guns? What did you think of that? Y’know, "Zardoz" himself.

"Mr. Connery": What now? I was drunk at the time. But by the sound of that, the Boorman must have been wasted 24/7.

SPORED TO DEATH: What do you think of Zardoz’s philosophy of “The penis is bad, the gun is good”?

"Mr. Connery": I believe both are good for shooting. Particularly at women. P.S.: Me? Not gay.

SPORED TO DEATH: So what was your favorite scene in this movie? Was it the one where you impregnated 20 women while simultaneously absorbing all the knowledge of the human civilization through osmosis?

"Mr. Connery": I already have the knowledge. I just wanted to impregnate the 20 women. I wish Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass was one of them. P.S. Me? Not gay.

SPORED TO DEATH: You keep saying that. If that's true then why did you let them braid your chest hair?

"Mr. Connery": To make me look manlier. Which is an insane level of manliness.

SPORED TO DEATH: All right, moving on. So what about that line “Stay behind my aura!”?
"Mr. Connery": Was dubbed in post. Original line was stay behind my ass.

SPORED TO DEATH: If they were going to remake this movie, or make a sequel, would you be interested in playing the role of Arthur Frayn, better known as Zardoz?

"Mr. Connery": I rather play Sporing Aquaman Spore damn it! Dude talks to fish.

SPORED TO DEATH: Don’t you think that you’re a little too old to play Zed?

"Mr. Connery": Some say I can still play a 40 year old. The women still love me. Hell, the loincloth still fits.

SPORED TO DEATH: You kept the loincloth?

"Mr. Connery": I always try to keep some trinkets from these movies. From Entrapment I keep the laser beam Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass went under.




"Hell, the loincloth still fits." -"Mr. Connery"







SPORED TO DEATH: This movie has nothing to do with Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass. Why do you keep bringing it up?

"Mr. Connery": Trust me, that fine ass is something to be worshipped. Particularly when its going under a laser beam. Do you believe the ass should go under the laser beam? Or maybe a laser ass! Now that would be something! I'd just love to see that, wouldn't you?

SPORED TO DEATH: No, I wouldn't. I don’t believe in laser asses, or that they would be a good idea. What kind of a ridiculous question is that?

"Mr. Connery": Trying to think up ideas for my next bond movie. That Brosnan guy wimped out on them. I figure its only a matter of time before they come crawling back to me.

SPORED TO DEATH: Oh I get it. You mean asses in laser beams. Wait, what?

"Mr. Connery": Hmmmm……ass….laser beam. Yesss.....

SPORED TO DEATH: I think we should change the subject. This is getting a little out of hand. What would the children who read this blog think?

"Mr. Connery": The illiteracy rate is so high in American schools, I wouldn’t worry about young children reading anything. I mean, Hell, if I made some kind of mechano-mother with exploding nipples, and put up a big sign that said "DO NOT BREASTFEED! WARNING! EXPLOSIVE NIPPLES!", the little Sporing rats would do it anyway.

SPORED TO DEATH: What are you talking about? There’s no such thing as explosive nipples.

"Mr. Connery": Tell that to Goldfinger.

SPORED TO DEATH: (sigh) So in conclusion, would you recommend Zardoz as a movie for people to watch?

"Mr. Connery": If they can’t find Highlander 2: the Quickening at Blockbuster… Then yes.

SPORED TO DEATH: Why do you have a rubber duck in a sweater with you? Never mind. I really don’t want to know.

"Mr. Connery": It keeps me warm and sa…..fffffe.

9 comments:

esuarez said...

can't be as bad as league of vasely unextradinary gentlepeople.

Instead of this film you can probably settle for the porno version or just regular porno in general.

Spored_to_Death said...

Now where are you going to find a porno with a floating stone head? Much less one that shoots guns out of its mouth?

min said...

first off, zardoz was great.

second, mike meyers put up a picture from the movie during his segment of the awards program.

Spored_to_Death said...

I think its a great movie too. Where else are you gonna see a flying stone head vomit firearms.

What, did you think I was going to bother to watch the awards ceremony? Bah! I can't be bothered with such things. I have movies like Zardoz, The Munchies, and The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai across the 8th dimension to watch. Who's got time for awards ceremonies?

fnord12 said...

I've read that the movie is actually a movie about how our liberal society has weakened and feminized males, and the director, a real anti-feminist conservative, extrapolates from that a future in which males are completely impotent. Is it better or worse when you watch a really awful movie and it turns out there was a point to it, and it's a point that you don't even agree with?

Spored_to_Death said...

There was a point to this movie? Seriously, it's a little hard to even follow what's happening because the movie is so...

well so British.

No offense, but we're supposed to recognize what's going on when Connery fights the crystal in a giant house of mirrors and somehow uses the power of his mind to beat it? No explanation on that one.

Or what about the scene where Connery reverses time, or causes everyone to reverse in time, just to escape from the museum?

And what does it say about someone when their inspiration to write and change society stems from the movie "Zardoz"? That's like saying "You got Served"
is the movie that changed your life and inspired you to be the person you are today. Or that "The Fast and The Furious Series" of movies is what guys should emulate if they want to be cool (Dude, I can totally do that same drifting trick in my 76' Ford Pinto!" Hang on!!!).

Personally, I'd be ashamed to say I took anything serious away from these movies, much less something that changed my life. Or I would if I had any sense of shame left.

Which reminds me of this.

Quote "But what will you give me, FOR MY SHAME!!!" -Man who served a $4 bottle of wine at a dinner party and returned the bottle for a refund in a liquor store because of its poor quality. Also wanted compensation for his shame.

min said...

i love buckaroo banzai. i wish there had been more movie to watch.

Anonymous said...

"The illiteracy rate is so high in American schools, I wouldn’t worry about young children reading anything. I mean, Hell, if I made some kind of mechano-mother with exploding nipples, and put up a big sign that said "DO NOT BREASTFEED! WARNING! EXPLOSIVE NIPPLES!", the little Sporing rats would do it anyway."

Marvellous! This quote belongs on the wall of my classroom...

--Jedimentat, already trying to get fired.

PS- now that you are no longer blocked by a Commie firewall, I can get a spored-to-death fix.

Spored_to_Death said...

Make sure when you put it up you get yourself a big poster of Sean Connery in the loincloth from Zardoz. That'll be sure to get you fired.