A Bucket of Blood

In 1959 a newspaper ad claimed that if you brought a bucket of blood to Roger Corman’s “A Bucket of Blood” you would get a free admission. Today, if you tried the same thing, you’d just get arrested. Besides after the river of blood scene from “The Shining”, one bucket of blood doesn’t seem all that shocking. But in 1959!!!

…OK, it still wasn’t that shocking.





I think the plunger really sells the concept on this cover art.








“A Bucket of Blood” is actually a dark comedy about a guy named Walter Paisley who wants to be an “Artist” and get into the “in” crowd of local beat poets and artisans. And also to nail some hot chick. Can I say “nail some hot chick” in a blog and not get censored? If you‘re reading this, I guess I can.

Also, as its a dark comedy and not straight horror, its good for all you kids who aren't really into horror movies.

Now lets be clear, today’s review is about the original 1959 version of “A Bucket of Blood” directed by Roger Corman and written by Charles B. Griffith, not the 1995 version starring Anthony Michael Hall who is better known for his work in numerous 80’s movies as well as the psychic John Smith on the TV series “The Dead Zone”. No, this version of A Bucket of Blood stars the legendary Dick Miller, who’s acting career is longer than the shopping list of a family of 8. Dick’s most recognizable role was Murray Futterman in the 1984 movie “Gremlins”, but Miller has done just about everything. From 1950’s Westerns to the 1986 “hit” movie “Chopping Mall” to voice acting on the current cartoon version of “The Justice League”, Dick’s been just about everywhere in the industry.



Billy, I swear, the Gremilns did it! I swear they did it Billy!










Well except porn. Dick’s never been in porn. Nope, Dick is no where to be found in the porn industry. Anywhere.

Anyway, tiny little green monsters have nothing to do with this blood bucket, as Walter Paisley discovers his talent for sculpting after accidentally stabbing his landlady’s cat. He does try to rescue the cat, which somehow has become stuck in the small space between two walls. He does this by trying to cut a hole in the wall so that the cat can climb out.

Unfortunately for the cat, he tries this with a 12 inch kitchen knife.

While musing about all of the things one could do with a dead cat, Paisley decides to use the clay from his failed sculpting projects to cover up his little mishap. Once the clay hardens (without having to be fired in a kiln I might add) the little tabby becomes a modern work of art, complete with knife.



Man its so... lifelike. Especially how its standing up with a knife lodged in it like that.






This leads Paisley to some fame, and as a result he’s pressured to create more art. Predictably, the next work is a human sculpture. and it follows that Paisley amasses quite a collection. But just like a guy who wears a long overcoat but no pants, Paisley is caught during his first exhibition.




I call it, man with splitting headache.

What? Why are you all moaning? What?






If you think this sounds like a familiar setup, i.e. the loveable loser that no one paid attention to displays a talent that gets him fame, fortune and a shot at the woman of his dreams but makes him a murderer you’re right. Roger Corman and Charles B. Griffith were also responsible for the creation of “Little Shop of Horrors”. Again, the original 1962 version, not the remake from 1986. Corman and Griffith would also go on to produce one of my all time favorite bad movies, “Creature from the Haunted Sea”!

While the murder sequences lack the Hollywood shock comedy that we’ve all been accustomed to seeing, they are given a fairly creepy tone by Paisley’s growing acceptance and eventual eagerness to carry them out as the movie continues. Personally, my favorite scene is when Paisley decides to create “a bust” (the human head kind, not a female chest).

Also somewhat creepy on a personal note is the chase sequence at the end of the movie when Paisley runs through what appears very much like New Brunswick late at night while being pursued by both the police and the apparitions of his victims.

If you get a chance, check out A Bucket of Blood. It’s a classic old horror comedy that really delivers. Except for the bucket of blood part. Its actually more of roasting pan, suitable for chicken or other game, not a bucket at all. Remember kids, when you want a good quality roasting pan, make sure it distributes and reflects heat evenly and can be placed atop two adjacent burners for browning. Thanks to Alton Brown for that tip. But remember kids, a bucket full of blood is not Good Eats.

Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon

Grab your decoder rings Spore fans, today we’re taking a break from our usual horror fare to traipse into the realm of Sci-Fi. OK, so it’s a short trip, as Sci-Fi and horror often cross over each other’s boundaries like European’s well, crossing each other’s national boundaries. Anyway, without further ado, I present "Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon".






Be afraid, er, I mean amazed!








Remember when you were a kid? How things used to be? When you used to come home and plunk yourself down in front of that giant old TV set? You know the one I mean. The 3 foot square box with a 10 inch screen with two huge speakers but without stereo sound. It had two great big knobs, one to turn it on and control the volume, and the other to change the channel. All 3 of them.

Well, if you do remember all this, then you were obviously a child in 1954, and you probably also remember “Rocky Jones, Space Ranger”. Yes, I bet you were adorable, sitting on the floor in your little playtime cowboy hat, sipping Ovaltine through a straw and getting most of it on the floor. Then your Dad would scold you for getting crap all over the carpet. Your Mom would come in and chide your Father for being to rough on you, to which he would respond “In my day, my Father would have slapped the freckles off of my damn face for that!” followed by him adding more ice to his scotch and muttering darkly about how the Commies were out to destroy America.

You remember that? Cause I sure don’t. I was born in the late seventies. Well, for all of us who didn’t get to see Rocky Jones when he was back on TV, we can buy a compilation of his TV episodes melded into movie format and watch the magic.

And by magic, I mean like that trick where you pull your thumb off with your other hand.

Yes, thanks to http://www.oldies.com/, you too can watch the adventures of Rocky, Winky, and little Bobby as they travel “Beyond the Moon”. Enjoy the hijinks as Rocky is forced to take a girl on as a member of the crew! Marvel at the incredible technical effects! Watch as faithful Winky helps Rocky fly the... (what the hell was the spaceships name again? Hang on a second… Gotta remember to take this out in the final copy… crap where did I put it… I know I left that DVD here somewhere… wait, how did it get in the fridge? Oh god, was that milk at some point?!?! How did it get all over the DVD? And why is it green? ) “The Orbit Jet”!


Winky: "Hey Rocky, how do you feel about having a girl on board?"

Rocky: "Well Winky, its a good thing I got my cootie shot."

Winky: "... What is that like the clap or something?"



But watch out! That little scamp Bobby flies off the handle and uses some pretty harsh language! Here’s a warning to the parents at home: tonight, Billy uses the “J” word! And by that I mean “Jeepers!”.

And one last bonus! This great piece of… television history comes with 2 free episodes of the original animated adventures of Superman! And for only $1!!! That’s right! Thanks to my connection at the Dollar Store, I got this movie for One frickin American dollar. That’s 10.9327 Mexican pesos amigo.

Now I understand that due to the limitations of the time, Rocky’s Orbit jet and space station may not look that great. But when you’ve seen 300,000 individually animated Orcs preparing to invade Helm’s Deep, Rocky may seem a bit dated. But as an avid fan of Giant Lizards stomping on Tokyo, I’m not to disappointed.

However, the writing and acting of the time is a bit unbearable. Unless you like old school Sci-Fi shtick, have a high tolerance for the 1950’s concept of Übermensch, or like to drink (that’s how the DVD got into the fridge!); you’ll probably find the characters of Rocky Jones not only dated but a little grating. Unfortunately a mind once expanded can not collapse back to its original shape. Watching Rocky Jones in 2006 is kind of like being a Lovecraftian hero who watches people go to a “normal” church. It just seems too simple and happy after Great Cthulhu has rent your mind in twain.

This also applies to Voltron. Trust me, its not as much fun as when you were 6.

So if you long for a great piece of American Television history, pick up a copy of “Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Beyond the Moon!”. Or you could spend your money on porn or booze. Whatever floats your boat.

God Bless America and beware the red menace!

Head to Head!

As part of my objective to make Spored to Death Publishing more interactive, so I can whip you all into a foaming frenzy, I've decided to make a semi regular debate post. This weeks debate stems from an argument I had with min about who's a better actor: Don Frye, from Godzilla: Final Wars or Hulk Hogan star of, among other things, Santa with Muscles.
















Wikipedia entries here for Don Frye and Hulk Hogan, in case you want them.

So who will it be? Frankly I think that Don Frye is the better actor, but I'm probably still traumatized from having seen Hogan wrestle recently. So have at it, and let me know who you think is the superior thespian.

I said "thespian", with a T! Oh, never mind.

Severed

Those of you who read “The Foreign Object” are probably familiar with the setup of a “triple threat match”. For those of you unfamiliar with this concept, its a wrestling match where three opponents compete against each other and only one can be the winner, and is also known as a “three way dance”. And it’s also the perfect analogy for this week’s review.

Lets review the cast of players in our triple threat movie. First, in the blue corner, accompanied by their manager “Faceless Corporate Empire”, wearing flannel and smelling of sweat and tree sap we have “The Lumberjacks”! Also, as a late entry into the Lumberjacks we have the son of the head of the Faceless Corporation, a Shane McMahan clone, if you will.
















As you can see in this photo taken from somewhere in either NorthWest America or Canada, Lumberjacks are often accompanied by Mounties and wild Scandanavian women.


Next up, in the Red corner, wearing the latest camping gear from LL Bean and some cheap hair beads, we have the forest protecting “Eco-Activists”.





In this highly realistic and believeable photo, you can see a hippie, er, Eco-Activist in his native environment... a web page.












Now before I introduce the 3rd entry in our rumble in the woods, I’d like to point out that while this movie sets us up to believe that there’s going to be a high amount of Left and Right sided political tension, there really isn’t. The writers were good about not taking sides between the Loggers and the Activists. The Loggers aren’t portrayed as beer chugging brutes, and the Activists aren’t depicted as crazy tree hugging hippies, although there is some chaining of people to trees. We’ll get into that later. No, the Loggers just want to do their job and the Activists want to protect the environment. Both sides are presented as “good people”.

Unfortunately, the chain of events that leads to the main point of this movie is set off by actions of both parties. You see, the Faceless Corporate Empire decided that it would be a good idea to test their new serum for genetically altering trees. The result is that the trees grow 3 times faster, increasing production, and possible ending clear-cut logging. A small side effect of playing God with the trees is that the trees now produce a thick, red sap that looks an awful lot like blood.

The Activists, not aware of this testing, decide to spike some trees. For those of you not familiar with the practice of spiking trees, its when you ram a railroad spike into a tree to break the chain on a chainsaw. There’s an article on Wikipedia about it here, but you don’t have to read it to realize that breaking the chain on a chainsaw will probably kill someone. In this case, it does… sort of.

So what does all this have to do with our third contender? Does a man-eating tree come to life and start devouring people? No, because the third contender in our triple threat movie is…

...

....

.....













ZOMBIES!!!


Yes, when the mutated tree sap is introduced into the human bloodstream, it makes the human transform into a flesh eating undead zombie. I guess this means that all weapons are legal in this three way dance. To top it all off, Faceless Corporate Empire has declared that this is a cage match, by blocking off all exits to the mountain and patrolling the roads with machine gun armed assault helicopters. Because you know that every faceless logging corporation on the planet has a fleet of machine gun armed assault helicopters with trained soldiers in case the trees get uppity and try to get away from the lumberjacks.

So all the political posturing goes out the window when the zombies come into play. They basically clear the area and run amok, eating lumberjacks and hippies equally. It should be noted that eating the hippies does not make the zombies mellow, and its hard to tell whether or not a zombie has the munchies, what with the already constant craving for human flesh.

The movie goes on with the generic rag-tag bunch of characters that you’ve probably seen in other zombie movies, performing tasks that you’ve probably also seen in other zombie movies. In fact, in the last 3rd of the movie, the survivors of the rag-tag generics make their way into a compound of lumberjacks who make sport of shooting zombies. Those of you who have seen 28 Days Later will notice the striking similarity between this part of the movie and the last part of 28 Days Later when the group comes upon the soldiers. The most notable aspect is the disproportionate number of men to women and the theme where killing zombies and enjoying it reduces a man’s civility as an example of man’s inhumanity to man.

Now, on that last note, I just want to say that killing zombies is not a game and not fun at all. I don’t know where anyone would get and idea like that. Let me spell it out for you, killing zombies should be done with respect, as these were someone’s loved ones, and should not under any circumstance be entertaining or fun.

Nor is it fun under any circumstance to watch a guy chained to a tree get eaten by zombies.

Never ever.

In conclusion, the victory in this triple threat movie goes undoubtedly and completely to the zombies. Neither the burly lumberjacks nor the college educated hippies were a match for the zombie horde. Especially since the zombie horde was comprised of fallen burly lumberjacks and fallen college educated hippies. No, everyone either gets eaten or killed by the Faceless Corporate Empire (the ending is slightly vague, but its implied that the last one left alive gets killed). And just like wrestling, you’re expected to have problems with long term memory. If you still remember this movie in two weeks, then there’s something wrong with you. Obviously you haven’t eaten enough hippies.

Guest post by Esuarez: Chopping mall

This latest post is a guest post by Esuarez, author of The Foreign Object. Enjoy this with your eyemeats.

Chopping Mall -When Killbots go bad at the Sharper Image.















It's every kid's fantasy to get locked up in a toy store for a night. You can shoot basketballs, play video games and create all out toy anarchy. As an adult those urges start dwindle once you learn about trespassing charges and jail time. Apparently, those urges didn't stop the brainacs from the film "Chopping Block" from living the dream and going one step further: breaking into a mall.

Since they are teenagers they are going to do what teenagers would do in a mall. Drink, have sex, Drink some more, have more sex with different partners and ride scooters from the sharper image. The mall in chopping block though is fully prepared for this disastrously teenage menace with a auto security team known as the Protectors a.k.a "The Killbots"!!!!














Now what kind of mall would hire Killbots instead of rent a cops? Well the cool kind featured in this flick. This happened to be the second best mall presented in film behind "Day of the Dead" and "Scenes from a Mall" starring Woody Allen. Of course the Killbots are not able to follow their original programming until they are hit by a strike of lighting. Instead of giving them life like Johnny -Five, the lighting just makes them want to kill. Particularly teenagers drinking and having sex in the sharper image. The Killbot fodder are unable to escape the mall because the security system won't open the large steel doors till sunrise.

What follows is about 50 or so minutes of gruesome deaths and multiple lines of how I don't want to be killed by killer robots. (Heck, what are the robots supposed to do). Now your wondering how can that robot which looks like ROB from the NES kill people? Well it can! and gruesomely, as this clip shows:

http://www.badmovies.org/multimedia/movies6/chopmall1.mpg

Yes the robot was aiming for her butt. That what you get for being half naked in the sharper image. Lesson here is just don't mess with Killbots!!!! Particularly half naked in a Sharper Image.

-Esuarez