Wednesday, November 08, 2006

House IV: The Repossession

OK, so enough with the zombies. I'm all zombied out right now. Time to move on to something different. So this week, we're changing gears and going with the haunted house motif. What should I review? Lets see… There's "The Amityville Horror"…. Nah, budget's too big. There's "The House on Haunted Hill"… no, too classy. We need something a little more terrible. Something more along the lines of what you Sporefans would expect.

Lets review "House 4" also known as "House 4: The Repossession" in England! That's a great movie!

Stop Crying.

In 1992, Lewis Abernathy decided to subject viewers to another installment in the "House" movie series, and I don't mean the one with Hugh Laurie as a doctor. No, I'm talking about a series of movies that started in 1986 which was about a house where every door opened into another dimension. Its of the quality that you would expect having Lewis Abernathy, the author and main screenwriter of "Deep Star Six" at the helm of this picture.

House 4 takes place in a house in the middle of nowhere. Seriously, it appears that someone constructed a run down house somewhere in the middle of the Mojave. This is incredibly strange as William Katt (whom some of you may recognize as "The Greatest American Hero") reprises his role from the first movie; where he moves into his aunt's haunted house where his son had disappeared a few years before. In this movie Roger Cobb (Katt) takes his family to visit his father's old house, which is also apparently haunted. The movie starts with Roger and his new family leaving the haunted house and telling his step-brother Burke that the house is not up for sale.

Now, you've got to ask yourself "Why are they leaving the creepy old house in the beginning of the movie?" Well, the great part of playing Roger Cobb is that you only have to be in the first 15 minutes of this stinker. Then you die in a horrible car accident that results in your charred corpse being taken off life support. Unfortunately even though this movie dies pretty quickly, no one took it off life support.

So where do we go from here? The movie continues on in the hands of Terri Treas as Roger's wife Kelly, and Melissa Clayton as Roger's now crippled daughter Laurel. Laurel in particular seems strangely positive and chipper after losing her father, her old home and her ability to walk. Add in Denny Dillion, who's probably the most recognizable star in this sad flick as the house keeper/undercover FBI agent and prepare to tape your eyes open while you watch a movie that nose dives from the plateau of mildly entertaining to the hard, rocky plains of disappointment.

Yes, if you're looking for horror, this is not your movie. Sure there's a scene with Kelly Cobb (Terri Treas) taking a shower with the water turning into blood. Unfortunately about the best this movie has to offer is a pizza attacking Kelly before dinner. Yes, a killer pizza is the most frightening moment in this movie and only because of the involvement of a kitchen garbage disposal.

The ridiculous sub plot in this movie involves Burke (played by Scott Burkeholder) trying to buy the house for the local chemical factory so that they can tear it down and bury chemical waste where it once stood. Add in one Native American (Ned Romero), cut one small onion and get him to shed one small tear and you've got yourself a genuine 1980's pro environmental theme. Yay for clearly defined roles of good and evil! You even have Mark Gash portraying the stereotypically toxic antagonist "Mr. Grosso" pressuring Burke to close the deal with his "oozes". Looks like Seth Green isn't the only fan of "Captain Planet".

Stay far away from this movie, Sporefans. Even if you enjoyed the other movies in the House series, this is definitely one to steer clear of.

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