Friday, September 28, 2007

Die Hard Dracula

Welcome back Sporefans. I know that I've been AWOL lately, but we do have a new review for you. Sit back and enjoy, because this week we're covering the 1998 movie "Die Hard Dracula"!

At first glance, it looks like this movie intends to mix "Die Hard" with "Dracula". Unfortunately, that is not the case, as the only thing that Die Hard Dracula has to do with Die Hard is the title, which is a sad thing because this movie would have been much better with a cheesy John McClane rip off as the star.

Die Hard Dracula attempts to retell yet again the story of Dracula with a modern twist. Again. The movie starts in the past where a king attempts to have his "kingly privileges" with one of the local peasant girls. She runs to the old abandoned castle where the king stabs her on top of Dracula's coffin. A bloated and ugly Dracula (played by Ernest M. Garcia and Chaba Hrotko and Tom McGowan) emerges and proclaims "How dare you screw on top of my casket!" and kills the king. Then he turns to the dying girl, and makes her into his bride.

Dracula: Vampire or Creepy Pervert? Is there a difference?

Cut to present day America. Some kids are out on a boat water-skiing. Julia (played by Kerry Dustin), a Californian bimbo, decides that she doesn't need a life vest because she's too cool for that. She dies.

Julia's boyfriend Steven (played by Denny Sachen) is mortified by her death. And what does every red-blooded American guy do when his girlfriend dies? He goes to Europe. Steven wanders around Europe for a while, getting wasted and lamenting Julia's death, waking up in a European gutter every morning until he has an accident and wanders into a small village. Once there, Steven finds the local inn, where the innkeeper's daughter Carla, recently came back to life for no apparent raisin. Coincidentally, she looks exactly like Julia, which is probably because she's played by the same actress.

Carla's turn ons are "not being turned into a vampire" and "being turned into a vampire". Confused? So is she.

Also coincidentally, this village sits in the shadow of a castle occupied by Dracula.

Dracula has been looking for a place to obtain blood for his wife, who is a constant pain in his undead ass. While he's out he meets a peasant girl, drinks her blood and turns her into one of his wives. You would think that he would have learned his lesson after the first one, but Dracula seems to be a sucker for peasant girls.

Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... Dracula?

Unfortunately, the peasant girl is one of Carla's friends. Steven and the local cronies decide to enlist the help of Dr. Van Helsing (played by Bruce Glover), the worlds most famous vampire hunter. Van Helsing shows up at the inn and reveals that he knows magic; the David Blaine kind, not the Harry Potter kind. Van Helsing makes fools of the local villagers by using slight of hand and making fire without a flint. Afterwards the local villagers become his loyal peons.

Dracula shows up at the pub, dressed as an ordinary hunter. I guess he was trying to get away from his horrible wives for a while. This prompts Van Helsing to test whether or not this strangely dressed man is a vampire. So, Van Helsing saunters over and makes idle conversation with Dracula, and performs several "tests" on him. Its like that scene in "The Lost Boys" where the Corey twins try to find out whether or not Max is a vampire, except that the sound is awful and its not funny. Also, Dracula is most definitely a vampire. Here are some of the things that didn't convince Van Helsing that he was sitting across the table from a vampire.

-Obvious fangs.
-Orders a bloody steak.
-Can't touch silver without screaming.
-Doesn't like Van Helsing's crucifix.
-Doesn't let Van Helsing see if Dracula has a reflection.

Oh, yeah. There was one other thing that stuck out.

-His name was frickin' "Dracula".

STILL unsure of the undead condition of his dinner guest, Van Helsing gives Dracula the ultimate test. He gives him some garlic bread. After the Count freaks out and leaves without paying, Van Helsing is now sure that he's a vampire.

I don't know. Could this guy maybe, possibly, kinda be a vampire? Maybe?

Van Helsing and Steve... (I love the way that fits together: Van Helsing and Steve. Like Bob Dylan and Frank the pizza guy. Anyway Van Helsing and Steve..) set off to Dracula's castle. Somewhere along the way Van Helsing must forget that he already determined that Dracula is a vampire, because they walk in on the Count and his bride necking. Get it?


Anyway they figure it out... eventually... and spend the rest of the movie making inept attempts at breaking and entering into the Castle to A) defeat Dracula. B) rescue Carla. and C) Make off with Dracula's gold. No, this isn't a multiple choice question, they're attempting all 3 goals.

The dynamic doofi.

In the end, Dracula wins. Yes, you heard me right, Dracula bites Carla and then Dracula has his brides turn Van Helsing and Steve into vampires, and then they dance. Roll credits.

Feel the power of the dark side!

Now you can imagine my disappointment with this movie. It had such potential, and it was squandered. There were no scenes with a barefoot hero tossing a vampire corpse down an elevator shaft with a message written in blood on it. Think about that Sporefans, it works on so many levels. It could have read "Ha ha ha, now I have a mallet and a wooden steak". Dracula could have eaten the message too, it was made of blood! But, no, this movie had to be mediocre. It had to be a regular vampire movie. How bad does a movie have to stink to make "Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness" look good by comparison? "Pretty frickin' bad!", that's how bad.

Still, they did have a flying coffin. That was pretty cool.

The only way to fly. Blah!

OK, until next time Sporefans. Keep reading. Keep watching. And join the Sporeboard. If you're good, I'll post the short story I've been working on for the last three weeks on the Sporeboard. Yes, I've been cheating on you all... with fiction.

OK, I couldn't find a video of "Die Hard Dracula", so I found something better. I found the best thing Christopher Lee ever did. Ever. Debate over. There is no topping this. None. This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

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