Friday, October 12, 2007

Creepshow 3

Welcome back Sporefans. This week we have a long awaited and totally unexpected sequel to a franchise thought long dead. According to the trailer I viewed before renting this movie (gotta love On-Demand), "in 1982 George Romero and and Stephen King made a horror classic". It goes on to say, "Now, 32 years later comes the latest installment in this horror masterpiece". Already there were some problems, and the movie hadn't even started yet.

Number one: This movie was made in 2006, and released in 2007, so even at the latest its only been 25 years since the "horror classic" was first created. As we all know from grade school, 25 does not equal 32.

Number two: There was another installment of this movie series in 1987. So if you want to get really picky its only been 20 years since the last installment.

Number three: You shouldn't be claiming that your movie is the latest installment of a horror masterpiece if it sucks. But does it?

Intrigued, I hit the button and ordered...

Creepshow 3!

Unlike the first two movies, Creepshow 3 doesn't have an all encompassing Wraparound story that ties in the independent sections of the film. Instead, Creepshow 3 ties all the stories together internally, making character's from one story appear as background character's in another section. This is a bold new idea, especially because this "franchise" is now operating without the two big names associated with the title. Actually, according to Wikipedia, James Dudelson is the only connection this movie has with the first two, as he owns the rights to the franchise. Miss the 80's much James?

Check out the creepy hot dog vendor. Looks like Kenny from South Park gone bad.

I'll go over each section of the movie, since you're probably not going to watch it and I can't ruin anything for you. Besides, each section does, for the most part, stand on its own as a story.

First up is "Alice", a piece that was supposed to remind you of Alice in Wonderland, but is actually just a cheap rip off of the Adam Sandler movie "Click".


Now take a moment to reflect on exactly how sad something has to be to rip off an Adam Sandler movie. As "Pinhead" would probably say, "Revel in the sweet, sweet suffering."... go on, revel in it. I'll wait.

Done revelling? Good.

Alice (played by Stephanie Pettee) is a normal bratty teenage girl. Her father gets a remote control in the mail and whenever he presses a button on it, strange things happen to Alice. Also, for no apparent raisin, this causes her to melt. Eventually she gets all goopy and the strange doctor who lives up the street changes her into a rabbit, for no apparent raisin.

Now ve melt you... in the meltorium!

Alice is the weakest part of the movie, and really doesn't make much sense on its own. It also doesn't make any more sense when you watch the rest of the movie. Yeah. Sit back and suspend your disbelief like David Blaine over the Thames. Remember kids, its not really magic, its just a test of endurance. Just like watching some of our fine cinema at Spored to Death publishing.

The next segment is "The Radio" where a drunk loser named Jerry (played by A.J. Bowen) buys a radio that tells him to do things. Now, if you've ever seen any movie where an inanimate object tells you to do things, you would know not to do them. It always, Always, ALWAYS winds up badly. Good thing Jerry doesn't have much to live for anyway.

Jerry... jerry... you forgot to put fresh batteries in me.

"The Radio" is probably the best segment in the movie. Sure its been done to death, but at least it was coherent. I also liked the product placement for "Arrogant Bastard ale" in the movie. As an arrogant bastard, I'm proud to say that I enjoy Arrogant Bastard ale. If you're an arrogant bastard like me, you too should try Arrogant Bastard ale. Keep in mind I get no compensation what-so-ever by plugging that product, I just really like it. (Hint, hint.)

After "The Radio" draws to its predictable conclusion, we're treated to "Call Girl", a story about a killer call girl who winds up paying a visit to a "vampire". At least, that's what Wikipedia is calling it. I'm thinking it was just some type of toothy monster. Meh. Cutting to the chase this is what happens: call girl meets boy, call girl kills boy, call girl takes a shower in dead boy's bathroom, boy is a "vampire", "vampire" kills call girl. End.

Is this a vampire? I thought they only had 2 fangs. I better check with the experts on this one.

Story 4 is the "Professor's wife", and is really kind of funny. Two former students are called to see their old college professor as he's about to be married. The students are suspicious because the professor was fond of practical jokes, and suspect that the bride to be is actually a robot. While the professor is away they decide to "disassemble" her to see how she works.

Guess what.


Wow Sporefans, you're really good at guessing games. You are correct: she is not a robot. The two students dismember an actual human being who just happens to be very dumb. Luckily, the professor knows someone with an advanced voodoo kit and resurrects his zombie bride. Better wed than dead I guess.

Think the professor can fix her?

I hope the doc signed a prenuptial agreement, because I have a sneaky suspicion that things will turn sour soon after the honeymoon. Or during, depending on how warm and humid it is where they choose to have their honeymoon. Really, I could make scores of zombie honeymoon jokes here, but I've already worked that angle to death. It doesn't take any brains to know that these jokes have come back on more than one occasion.

The last segment is "Haunted Dog" and no, it doesn't have anything to do with either dogs or "Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai". Nope, its about a haunted hot dog. Or poisoned. Or something.

A doctor working off public service hours at a free clinic gives a hot dog to a homeless guy. The homeless guy eats it and dies. Then the homeless guy haunts the doctor for giving him the poisoned/cursed hot dog. I've got huge problems with this one.

So what's the moral here? Is the doctor supposed to eat the hot dog and die? Is that any better than being haunted by a homeless guy until he dies from a heart attack? And what about the homeless guy? He ate the hot dog, and it was his choice to do so. He died by his own hand, so why does he haunt the doctor? Are homeless guy's really that hard to shake off out in the West? The only thing that I learned definitively from this tale is that you should never eat anything from a street vendor's cart.

So that's it for Creepshow 3. It really wasn't all that bad. Really. Of course, the last thing I saw before this was "Die Hard Dracula", so my sense of taste and sound reasoning skills were probably still destroyed from the last review. I've seen better, but damn have I seen far worse than this. Far, far worse. Of course, if you have a few bottles of Arrogant Bastard ale on hand, this movie will seem great.

Bottom line? See it. Drunk.

Check out this movie I found about the dangers of eating hot dogs from street vendors. Now you know the risks.

Now you know.

And you can post about it on the Sporeboard!

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