Saturday, December 15, 2007


Hey there Sporefans. Tonight's movie review is brutal. No, I mean "Brutal", written and directed by Ethan Wiley and released in 2007. Also, "whoos" on first, "waats" on second, and "Ida Know's" on third.

That joke was pretty brutal, I know.

"Brutal" is also brutal, and not because of its horror content. What else would you expect from the guy who wrote House 2 and Children of the Corn 5? Did I mention that the only thing he worked on in the eleven year stretch between these two movies was composing some music for a short film in the year 2000? Working on that great American novel Ethan?

Wiley's not all bad, the problem is that he was trying to write a horror movie and wound up with some good TV drama instead. There are actually two plots mixed up in this mixed up and brutal movie. In the "good" plot you have Sarah Thompson as Zoe Adams and the infamous Jeffery Combs as Sheriff Jimmy Fleck. Adams is...

What did I tell you about stalking me?

Wait a minute, Jeffrey Combs? "Reanimator" Jeffrey Combs? "The Frightners" Jeffrey Combs? "Trancers 2", both "House on Haunted Hill" remakes, "Necronomicon", "Castle Freak" Jeffrey SPORING Combs? How the hell did Wiley pull that off? If he can get Jeffrey Combs to act his movie, maybe he does have a chance against Mega-Man. OK, so maybe it's not that surprising. But still...

Oh! The review! Right. Sorry.

Adams is...

Jeffrey Combs?! How?


Adams, who is a police officer, is having an affair with the Sheriff. As the movie progresses the Sheriff starts to feel remorseful over this affair, and by remorseful I mean he's up for re-election. The Sheriff tries to break off his affair with Adams several times, and even tries to get her to hook up with the town's "ace" reporter Rick (played by William Sanford). It's to no avail, as Adams is deeply in love with Sheriff Fleck and hopes that one day he will leave his wife and they'll live happily ever after. Will it happen? I guess you'll just have to watch the movie to find out.

OK, no it doesn't happen.

I know there's a dead body behind you and all, but what about dinner sometime? What? Too creepy?

Unfortunately Sporefans, this is still a horror movie; and the horror plot in this movie sucks some pretty hardcore... uhh... suck-i-tude. Wiley dons the director's hat and does a pretty good job of being graphic with the violence. There are even a couple of funny scenes, like the one where a guy dies from an overdose of Viagra in front of the killer. Too bad the killer himself and his motivations are most definitely not brutal.

So there I was about to stab a guy with a pair of gardening shears, when he fell over and had a heart attack in front of me? Can you believe that? He overdosed on Viagra!

I did slaughter his girlfriend though, so the night wasn't a total loss.

The killer's M.O. is that he's into flowers. How brutal is that? He kills women who live on streets named after flowers, makes them into compost and then plants that flower on them for... some... unknown (I was too drunk to remember) reason. Oh, and every street in the town has a flower for a street name. That narrows the list of killers down to, oh... everyone.

Find the killer, you must. Yes. Also, too old for the training, you are. Yes.

Don't worry though, Wiley ruins it for you right away by showing you the killer as he goes about his business of killing girls. Mostly girls who are in sexual situations, but you probably already saw that coming too. I guess the concept of building suspense was lost on him, as he was too busy building more robots to destroy Mega-Man. You'll get a clear view of the killer's face about 10 minutes into the movie, removing any theories about Jeffrey Combs playing the killer.

Huh? Sorry, I was distracted by those two girls making out at the bar behind you.

I have to give the actors credit, even though there are some terrible lines they deliver them without undue laughter or grimaces. For example, Rick the town's ace reporter asks Zoe and the Sheriff if they suspect foul play.

In front of a body bag. Next to a garbage can full of blood.

Did I mention the girl was in pieces?

In conclusion, Dr. Wiley, er... Ethan Wiley, should probably watch a few more horror movies before he pen's his next horror flick. Or switch to late night TV drama. Just don't take too long Ethan, or it'll be 2019 before your next movie hits DVD... or whatever they watch movies on in 2019.

Anyway, you can check out the "Brutal" Trailer below, or click here for something funny. As always, you can post your comments on the Sporeboard, or here. It seems I've been shooting myself in the foot, because the more comments a post has, the more it comes up in google.

And I'd like to think that I'm higly googleable.


esuarez said...

Let's not forget Jeffery Combs was also the Question on Justice league Unlimited.

Spored_to_Death said...

Oh, I didn't forget. I just ran out of room. Jeffrey Combs is up there with Bruce Campbell as one of the greatest actors of bad cinema. But how can you top Dr. Herbert West reanimating a dead cat. How?

Marina said...

"the horror plot in this movie sucks some pretty hardcore... uhh... suck-i-tude"