Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Anus Magillicutty

With a title like "Anus Magillicutty", you know it has to be good.

And by that I mean bad.

Welcome Sporefans, to the last movie review of 2007. As the closing act for this year, I've selected Anus Magillicutty.

Jesus SPORING Christ! What the Hell is that?!?!

On the cover of this movie is the caption "Worst movie ever made". This is a pretty steep claim, so I decided that I needed to see this movie. A need so great it was as if I were a mosquito lured by the bio-luminescent bait of a lantern-fish if mosquito's could wear tiny aqualungs and swim to the depths of the ocean floor.

After waiting a few weeks for my order to arrive, then waiting a few more weeks to find the time to view the movie and then waiting a few more weeks to find the appropriate crop of victi... I mean... viewing audience to watch the movie with, I finally ripped off the plastic and cracked open the case of this movie. With a sense of giddiness that can only be brought on by impending doom, I put the DVD into the player and hit the button.

It didn't load.

Anus's trash can smells like something crawled into it and died...
Oh wait...

Then after popping it out, reloading the movie, praying to the DVD gods and sacrificing a small gingerbread man to them, I finally got the movie to work. The movie started rolling with a shot of a guy with terrible yellow teeth surrounded by two girls speaking to a twitchy looking skinny guy. There was no dialogue, just some music and the characters talking and smoking what appeared to be the dread mary-ja-whanna.

Joe Hall shows that he has the same dental plan as Eisei Amamoto.

After that it cut to a guy with funny red hair sitting at a bar. The movie freeze frames, and a voice over can be heard, presumably from the title character "Anus", (played by Lloyd Garner, or Henry Lloyd depending on who you ask), and he spoke these utterly profound and truthful words that will forever change my outlook on life.

"As long as I could remember, there have always been two things on my mind - Tits!"- Anus Magillicutty.

What followed was a 70 minute movie that was comprised of approximately 60% soft-core pornography, 15% music video, 10% badly acted scenes, 8% kung-fu fighting, 6% stuff going on for no reason, and less that 1% plot. Did I mention that IMDB claims that this movie is 99.9% unscripted? It shows. In every scene.

Every. Scene.

Anus ponders the magical wonders of breasts.

From what I can gather, Anus and his brother (played by Buddy Golden) made a deal with the devil (played by Joe Hall) for "Man beauty". While "brother" Magillicutty views the man beauty as a curse, Anus uses his man beauty to sleep with as many women as possible. By doing this, Anus has pissed off half of some-random-town-in-California-that-I-don't-remember-the-name-of, and hits are called out on Anus for fast and loose ways. When a hit man (played by Daryl Khan) attempts to plug Anus while he sleeps, his girlfriend "Anus's Woman" played by Paige Abbott (seriously, she has no name. I've seen her naked, and I don't know her name.) attacks, overpowers and kills the would-be ass-assassin.


Anus is now stuck with a rotting corpse in his garbage can. His father, "Father Magillicutty" (played by Chuck. Seriously, that's what he's listed as: Chuck), tells Anus to take out his trash, as its starting to stink up the joint. He also feels the need to point to the mustard on his shirt and to inform Anus that he was eating a hot dog. Yeah. That's... irrelevant.

The rest of the movie is Anus attempting to get rid of the body while he's being pursued by assassins and Satan. Oh, and the porn. It just shows up when nothing else is going on. Like a screen saver, but for a movie.

Hold up! You just stabbed me, Anus! Damn that's gonna leave a stain!

Now lets start with the good. This movie is funny. Really funny. Sometimes intentionally. There are some really great lines and scenes, but they're few and far between. I think there might be, I dunno... four... maybe five good lines. They really stand out though, as the rest of the movie is pure SPORE. The fight sequences in particular are pretty good, especially the one where Anus makes a guy's head explode.


Moving on. There is one other great thing about this movie Sporefans, the music. Three bands do the music for this movie: Papa, Gunfighter, and Green Door Pedestal. The music is really good and if you can find time, try to look these bands up.

Now on to the mediocre...

There isn't any.

Looks like the masked ass-assassin could use a hand.


Stop groaning. You saw that joke coming a mile away.

Finally the bad. Whole rest of the movie. Where do I start? The script, of course. Abraham Fineburgh is credited with having written the script, but according to the IMDB trivia section this movie is 99.9% unscripted. So if both of these facts are true, the following is my approximation for the script of Anus Magillicutty.

Anus Magillicutty: Scene 1


Roll credits.

Yeah that about sums it up. Most of the actors ad-lib the whole movie. You can tell who's got talent and who's taking up space by their ability to mimic scenes from "Whose line is it anyway". Effects? Well they're done by someone with a primitive editing board from the 80's. Luckily they were one step above "The Malibu Beach Vampires" and didn't sink as low as using a star wipe for every other transition. There's also a badly done CGI cartoon show and some cheap computer effects that far outshine the BASIC computer sequences from "Snakes on a Train".

Satan attempts to explain why he was rooting around in Anus's trunk.

So, in conclusion Sporefans... wait. What's this? There's something worse than "bad" at the bottom of my list. What could it be? What is so rotten, so foul, that it stands out in this craptastic crapterpiece appropriately labeled Anus? What is it?


That's right, Father Magillicutty, played by Chuck. Where the SPORE did they find this guy? Did they just scour the streets of Southern California looking for a meth addict or mental patient released in the 80's by Reagan that fit the bill? The only thing he has to do in this movie is tell Anus to take out the garbage, but he can't keep from cracking a goofy looking smile while he shouts profanities and giggles. For some strange reason I was filled with the urge to smack this foul Neanderthal upside his velcro-shoe wearing, drool dripping skull with a nine iron. If you're bad enough to stand out in a movie that proclaims itself to be the worst movie ever made, you suck.

As for Anus Magillicutty being the worst movie ever made, sadly I must admit that it falls a close second to "The Evil of Dr. Satanicus", which is available free of charge online. However, Anus Magillicutty can proudly proclaim itself to be the worst movie ever produced and sold, which is still a mighty achievement in the world of terrible movies, which I guess is a good thing if that's what you're aiming for.

Should you watch this movie, Sporefans? It depends on your answer to the following question. For as long as you can remember, what are the two thing's that you've had on your mind?

There you go. Till next year Sporefans. Keep warm, and watch your Anus.

Well Sporefans, since I've already posted the trailer for Anus Magillicutty, I can't very well repeat myself. So I had to find something of equal caliber. Here's a brief scene from "Vampires vs. Zombies". I was going to post the official trailer, but it actually contained brief nudity. You can see that by clicking this link.

1 comment:

Marina said...