The Deaths of Ian Stone

Descent. It's a downward motion. Sometimes a descent is a leisurely glide gently moving toward the Earth, like that of a bird landing soaring on a calming wind. At other times descent is a sudden burst of speed, a rapid fall which catches you at the last moment and hurls you back up into the air. Still other times descent is long, slow, boring and inevitable; such as when you listen to Coldplay; or, if you're a goldfish, like when your lifeless scaly body is sent upon that last great voyage into the greater unknown via that porcelain whir-pool in the tiled room of your two legged owners.

Welcome back to the tome, Sporefans. This week's review is a symbolic journey; a journey that descends from a pretty decent beginning into a sloppily crafted mid-point before it finally tips and crashes to a terrifying halt; full of sound and fury, ultimately signifying nothing. I hope you'll join me in this allegorical experience as I attempt to demonstrate exactly how terrible watching this movie was through imaginative story-telling, and perhaps some interpretive dance.

I think it goes without saying that I'm going to blow the ending of this movie for you.

Read the descending text at your own peril.

I present to you, The Deaths of Ian Stone.














My first attempt to construct a proper metaphor for the pain and suffering caused by watching this movie ended badly, as I tried to express my disappointment with a 1:96 scale recreation of the Hindenberg air ship. Sadly, that idea went up in flames. While applying burn cream to what was left of my eyebrows, I hit upon the idea that maybe I should use words to convey this idea, rather than a balloon filled with a highly combustible substance.

The following review is entwined with an allegorical story of a young man on a journey which parallels the experience of watching this film. Hopefully the review will be more entertaining than the movie.

Upon first reading the description for this movie, I was a bit intrigued. The Deaths of Ian Stone is another one of the Horrorfest 2008 8 films to die for. The premise of this movie is somewhat original. A young man named Ian Stone (Mike Vogel), is killed (repeatedly) by dark and mysterious forces. However, instead of remaining dead, Ian awakens in a new but slightly different life after each death.







This isn't about that money I owe you, is it? Cause I will totally pay you back... next Tuesday.


And now, on to our allegory. Picture if you will, a young man about to embark upon a voyage. To where, I cannot say. Mostly because it doesn't matter. At this point it would be wise to name our representative protagonist, as it would be confusing to call him "representative protagonist" throughout the story.

A lesser writer might be inclined to name this character something like "Mr. Metaphor" or "Story" or "Plot Device"; but not I dear Sporefans. No, I shall not resort to such un-originality. I have not been pigeon-holed by the Hollywood machine, nor have my creative energies been sucked dry by the ever hungry entertainment industry forcing me to churn out sub-standard movie plots to fill contractual obligations.

Let's just call our representative protagonist "Mr. Night" and leave it at that.

So on the start of our journey the young Mr. Night boards a plane in the metaphysical plane going to his inevitable and final destination. The plane is comfortable, well lit, and not full of livestock as planes are frequently depicted in Indiana Jones movies. The stewardess is attractive and friendly, and the alcohol is complementary. Such is the beginning of the Deaths of Ian Stone, a warm happy environment full of promise and free liquor.

As the movie continues, Stone finds that he's being stalked by strange creatures. These creatures seems to be attracted to the dying and appear to feed off of some ethereal energies emitted by expiring humans. Most people can not see these creatures, but as Ian spends most of the movie being reincarnated we can assume that he is not like most people. During his second incarnation Ian meets an old man (Michael Feast) who warns him of the dangers of the mysterious entities who seek to kill Ian once again.










Buddy, your hands are really cold!


Back in the land of metaphors, the stewardess approaches Mr. Night and informs him that the passenger sitting next to the emergency exit is uncomfortable with the responsibilities of sitting next to the emergency door, and asks our reluctant hero if he would mind exchanging seats. With a slight feeling of trepidation Mr. Night accepts this solemn and serious duty, and is moved to the seat next to the emergency exit. As he settles in to his new seat he notices a small boy staring at him. The boy's face is covered in chocolate and he stares intently at Mr. Night.

"Hey there little guy," Mr. Night stammers, "My name is Mr. Night."

The boy does not respond, but stares at him coldly. After an uncomfortable minute of trying to ignore the child, Mr. Night finally asks "What's your name?"

"Plot device," the boy responds flatly.

Indeed, you too would feel a cold knot in your stomach if you were watching The Deaths of Ian Stone and saw a sage old man warning Ian about monsters who are out to get him, and telling Ian to protect Jenny (Christina Cole), Ian's sometimes girlfriend in this crazy mixed up world. Indeed, while it doesn't derail the movie, it is an ominous portent of things to come.










Ian prepares to get some dental work done by a dominatrix/monster. Unfortunatly this was the only doctor his dental plan would cover. Perhaps next time Ian won't go with "G'narg the eater of 1000 souls dental insurance."

Or perhaps he will. Maybe he's into that sort of thing.


As the movie continues Stone flees his supernatural pursuers while trying to get Jenny to remember their previous lives together. The movie progresses fairly smoothly until about half way in when it is revealed that Ian is not human, but of the same race as the creatures who are pursuing him.

Perhaps its me. Perhaps I have become jaded, or cynical with time. Perhaps I'm just crabby and irate. But when one of the key plot twists in a monster movie is "The protagonist is also a monster!" I tend to look unfavorably upon that movie. When you couple this with "The protagonist is a monster more powerful than the monster's who are out to get him/her," my revulsion grows exponentially. This cheap and tawdry move by Brendan Hood, the author of this rapidly descending film, takes an otherwise decent film and covers it with glitter and stickers. I haven't seen such juvenile one ups-man-ship since I was in grade school.




Summarily, someone should pay dearly for this crap. Luckily we have an allegorical scapegoat waiting by.







Not only is this guy about to be devoured, he's also soiled himself.


This turn of events in an otherwise decent movie is the beginning of the downward spiral of the plot. The allegorical representation of this effect would be if Plot device, the creepy and chocolate covered child sitting next to Mr. Night were to open the emergency door of the plane and hurl Mr. Night into the azure void for no apparent raisin. While I fully understand that the plot to my allegorical tale lacks motivation or subtlety, so too does the plot of the Deaths of Ian Stone; and I hope that this lack of intricacy truly reflects the emotional and psychic trauma inflicted upon me from watching this movie. I will not address how a small child possesses the strength to throw a grown man from an airplane, nor how the plane does not depressurize hurtling all the passengers inside the plane into the sky; for it truly does not matter.

It is just a crude allegory, after all.

The final slice of salt covered lemon thrust into the open wound that is the movie entitled The Deaths of Ian Stone comes in the form of the final "plot twist". The reason that the other Reapers are after Ian is due to the fact that Ian has the power to kill other's of his kind. Apparently the Reapers are immortal unless a very specific set of circumstances is fulfilled which gives them the power to kill others of their species. Very specific circumstances that are highly improbable. Something that most people would not associate with the power to kill. Something that you would find in a low budget movie from the 1980's.

In order to kill one of their own kind a Reaper has to find true love.










It seems Mr. Stone has a few more scars since the last time we saw him. That's what happens when you let a crazy dominatrix/monster do your dental work... and perform a few unnecessary surgeries...

You don't even want to know what she did with the rubber ducky.

You do want to know, don't you? You're really sick, you know that? Sick!


It is at this point that our allegorical hero Mr. Night ends his vertical journey, but not impacting with the Earth. Instead, he is impaled on a radio antenna atop a large building, creating an end befitting the allegory of watching The Deaths of Ian Stone. Truly this movie came crashing to a terrible halt in a gruesome and tawdry display of bad writing. How... how I ask you, could this movie or this allegory get any worse than the sappy Hollywood pleasing ending which makes a mangled mess of what was otherwise a decent premise?

Oh. Also, finding true love gives Ian the ability to bring his deceased girlfriend back to life. Cause, you know... he had to stab her.

Did I mention that Mr. Night was impaled by the radio antenna in the most humiliating and painful way possible? You know what I'm talking about. But... at least that's an end fitting of this ending.


OK Sporefans, against my better judgement I'm going to post the trailer for The Deaths of Ian Stone. I think watching this trailer is a waste of time, so if you're like me, you'll be watching this instead.

Nightmare Man

Every year After Dark pictures releases 8 films to die for. Inevitably one of them always sucks. Last year's entry of suckitude was The Gravedancers, a film I decided not to review... for now. This year After Dark pictures released a couple of not so great films, but the one that stands out the most from this year's lot is Nightmare Man.














I'm going to start off right now by saying that I'm going to ruin the ending of this movie for you. It's really not worth watching, so I don't consider it to be a big loss. If you want to see this movie, stop reading.

NOW.


Otherwise keep reading.


I knew you would keep reading. This further adds merit to my claim that this movie sucks. Not even warnings of spoiling the ending will avert your eyes from the horrors I am about to unfold. You, dear Sporefan, are wise, and can now spend 89 minutes of your life doing something more productive.

In Nightmare Man a woman named Ellen (Blythe Metz) falls into some form of psychosis after getting a freaky ancient African fertility mask. Believing the mask to be evil, Ellen now thinks that there is a masked man or creature who is out to get her. I guess she should have read the description on eBay more carefully.

Her husband decides to get her help and files paperwork to have her committed in a happy fun sanatorium somewhere amidst the rolling forests of California. On their way out to said sanatorium, their car breaks down. Hubby (Luciano Szafir) decides to take a walk to get some gas, leaving his deranged wife to fight off...

THE NIGHTMARE MAN!

...which is just some guy in the freaky African fertility/demon mask. I swear the thing is designed to scare you into having a child. In no other way could this mask ever possibly be construed to have anything to do with fertility.










Boo! Get pregnant! What, is this not working for you? I could get the mask from Satan's Little Helper if that what turns you on.


Meanwhile, four friends Mia, Jack, Ed and Trinity (Tiffany Shepis, James Ferris, Jack Sway and Carrie Ann Mo... err, I meant Hanna Putnam) are having a party in their remote cabin in the woods. This cabin is so remote that if anything should happen... anything... like a masked killer were to stalk the inhabitants or something unusual like that... the police would not be able to reach it in less than three hours.

But Ellen makes it there in about 5 minutes or so. Did I mention that they have working electricity?

Let's examine exactly how long a three hour trip by car is, shall we. Let's assume that after the occupants of this cabin called the police that they responded to the call promptly. I mean, people are being murdered, so its safe to assume that the police are on their way and not sitting around somewhere doing nothing. Lets also posit that the police en route to a homicide in progress would not be driving at the speed limit, so they would be travelling on I-5 en route to the mountains at somewhere between 60 and 115 miles per hour.

This would mean that the police officer en route to a homicide in progress was somewhere between 180 and 345 miles away. Given that I-5 runs for 796.53 miles in California, and that police are more concentrated in heavily populated areas, I would have to conclude that there are only two police officers in the entire Northern half of California. Either that, or they called in some out of state back up.














OK, so this movie does have some redeeming qualities.


This movie was written and directed by Rolfe Kanefsky. I can only assume that Mr. Kanefsky has issues with spatial relation. However, I have to give Rolfe some props for a couple of decently funny murder scenes; my personal favorite being the one where the boyfriend stands in front of an open window vowing to avenge the death of his girl when his chest is perforated several times with arrows from the crossbow that the campers dropped early in the movie.









So, how exactly did the killer get your crossbow again, hon? I just want to be sure before moving away from this big window where there's plenty of light.


But what kind of supernatural being uses a crossbow to kill? If you guessed that the killer was a real live person just wearing a mask, then you're correct Sporefans. The movie makes it pretty obvious that someone wants Ellen dead. Someone who probably took out a large life insurance policy on her. Someone who was going to have her committed to a loony bin. Someone who hired some schlep to wear a mask and scare the crap out of his wife. Like the meteor that killed the dinosaurs, this plot device looms over the whole movie; and it should be a surprise to no one when this revelation lands and blots out the sky with giant clouds of crap. Like a train wreck in slow motion, we all saw it coming but no one could do anything about it.

I guess that Mr. Kanefsky realized that he showed his plot twist too early, because he decided to sink all of his foreshadowing into the first plot twist and none into the second. When the masked killer finally corners Ellen and prepares to kill her, she turns into a demon for seemingly no apparent raisin.

Then she kills a lot of people.

Ellen and Mia duke it out, and when Ellen dies the Nightmare Man jumps into Mia. Then the credits roll and your left with a mixed feeling of disappointment and shame for having wasted so much of your time on this piece of crap.



Click for a Latin-English translator.


If I had to draw some sort of parable to this movie, I would say that it was like that episode of Scooby Doo where they find out it was the old man who would have gotten away with it had it not been for those meddling kids. It really doesn't matter which episode of Scooby Doo you pick, they're pretty much all the same. Its even got the same thinly veiled sexual tension between Daphne and Velma, or was that just my imagination? Well its just like that, except at the end Shaggy turns into a demon and eats the rest of the gang. So, yeah, that's pretty much Nightmare Man in a nutshell. Scooby Doo, but with demonic possession.

Believe it or not, I actually found the trailer to this movie. Unfortunately I'm borrowing a computer at the moment and am having trouble getting the file to embed, you're just gonna have to do it the old fashioned way and click the link.

See you next time, Sporefans!

Procrastinating

So I seem to have some computer woes. I know that you've all been waiting patiently for the new review, so here's something to keep you occupied in the meantime..

Choose your favorite movie villain!!!

Here's how it works: I'll give you a brief lowdown on four movie villains, and you pick which one you like the best. Think of it like the Oscar's for fictional characters, but you get to vote and its not decided by a shadowy board of members operating from obscurity.

Or, if you like, pretend that you are a member of a shadowy board of members and that you're operating from obscurity in your own home. Love that Internet don't cha?

The contestants are the following:













First, up is Pinhead from the movie Hellraiser. Pinhead is not only famous for his stylish haircut, but also for his sadomasochistic love of ripping people apart with barbed chains as well as a few well timed barbed comments!

"Your suffering will be legendary, even in Hell." -Pinhead.











Second is Mola Ram, from the movie Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Politician by day and heart ripping priest by night, Mola Ram sports evil on multiple levels. Plus, he betrayed Sheba. Oooh.















You can't have a movie villain contest without the Joker from the movie Batman, or at least without comments about his funny purple gas. Maybe he should have that checked out by a doctor.
















Last, but not least on the list is Richter from the movie Total Recall. I couldn't get a decent shot of the character, but as its Michael Ironside it doesn't matter. Our of all the villains listed here, Ironside is the guy who is most likely to actually be evil outside the movies. I mean... uhhh... I'm sure he's not, but... uhhh...

Please don't kill me Mr. Ironside.

The time is nigh...er, sort of

I know that there have been a few complaints that I haven't done many reviews lately. I try to keep up, but I do have classes now, and sadly they do take priority. However, this is the last week of classes for this semester, and I don't take Summer session classes, so get ready for a barrage of reviews, as I've been waiting for months to churn out some goodness.

Upcoming reviews will include (in no specific order) Harry Knuckles, Nightmare Man, Zombiegeddon, and The Deaths of Ian Stone and many other great and terrible titles. Also check out the abolishment of quotation marks and the introduction of italics for our links and titles. I think its much more professional looking.

That's just the start Sporefans. Those of you who have been readers for a while know that I have a tendency to churn out reviews during the Summer, so get ready for some awful goodness in the Summer of 2008.

And now for a fun poll. Please pick the best answer. There is no right answer, but there are certainly wrong ones.

Uwe Boll, the poll

So blogflux just emailed me and said that they revamped their polls. I haven't done a poll in a while, so I decided to throw one out there. This week, we're taking a look at movie director Uwe Boll.

Darkplace/Shadowbox

Welcome back Sporefans. Tonight we have a mixed up review of a mixed up movie. Not only does this movie have two names but it also has two imdb pages. And while the first title may appear to be similar to "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace", make no mistake as we are talking about a decidedly different animal.















As far as I can tell this movie was originally released as the title "ShadowBox" and then re-released as "DarkPlace". This isn't as uncommon as you might think in the B-movie world, as there are many titles that see re-release with a new moniker as to rake in some extra cash from used material. This practice is all over the B-movie world, why they re-use everything they can to come in under budget: actors, props, sets, sound effects, condoms. There's almost no limit to the thrifty, cash saving techniques that a good B-movie producer/director/writer might use. So why not re-use the whole movie?

Oh. Because it sucks.

This is actually quite a shock to me because the director, Philip Adrian Booth wrote and directed another movie called "Death Tunnel" which I actually enjoyed. Sure, "Death Tunnel" was a remake of the remake of "House on Haunted Hill", but it had a better location and didn't have all the Hollywood plasticity you'd see in the remake of HoHH or HoHH2: "More dumb people show up to be eaten by ghosts". While by no means original, Death Tunnel was at least a good 97 minutes of blood soaked fun. So the question you've got to ask yourself upon seeing ShadowBox/DarkPlace is:

"What the SPORE happened to Philip Adrian Booth's talent?"

Anyone with information leading to the location of the missing talent should contact Spored to Death Publishing. Not that we're going to give it back to him, we're actually just curious as to what happened. And all though we have no proof, I think I have a good theory as to what happened to the missing talent. Read on, Sporefans, and I'll reveal my theory in the course of the review.

The main problem with ShadowBox/DarkPlace/talent-devouring-hole is that the movie doesn't really make much sense. Supposedly this movie is about a kid locked in a box somewhere, and detective or a doctor or something who is investigating the box. The problem is that the movie spends so much time jumping around that the plot doesn't make any sense. The dialogue between characters is lacking, and when there is some its either distorted by special effects, or repeated over and over even though there's really nothing going on. How many times are we going to have to listen to an old guy with bad teeth say the same thing over and over again while the drunken cameraman loads the camera with equal parts film and booze and focuses on the old guy's rotten teeth? Is this what passes for a good shot in a horror movie these days?

Or could it be that Philip Adrian Booth is on "the drugs"?










And I was like... that's totally... like... awesome. And it was, like, the biggest thing in the history of mankind... got any cookies? I'm starving.


And by that I don't mean that stuff that they prescribe in a doctor's office. I mean the kind of drugs that you get from a guy behind the hardware store. It would explain the psycho-dramatic events and effects that take place in ShadowBox/DarkPlace/bad-mushroom-trip-that-shouldn't-have-been-turned-into-a-movie.

Let's take a quick look at some of the events in this film. Dr. Virgil Nichols (Dougald Park) is sitting in his office going over his notes on the supernatural events surrounding the mysterious box that they lock people in, which lies in the middle of no-where. Please temporarily put aside your question of "why would a doctor investigate this" because it won't be answered, at least not in any satisfying way. He gets a creepy phone call that tells him to get on a train. He does so. Creepy people appear and menace him. He gets off the train. Somehow he later winds up back in his office.

Prepare for some spoilers.










This movie thinks that it has something in common with Dante's Inferno. Like demons.


Also in the movie is a young man or boy named "Ian" played by both Benjamin Bryan and Timothy Lee dePriest. Flashbacks ensue. Lots of them. Beware the flashbacks. Lots of terrible things happen to Ian over the course of this movie. For example, someone locks him in a box in the middle of a field for a week. Then this movie happens.

Yes Sporefans, this whole sad movie is a flashback. Apparently this is the reason, or more likely the excuse Booth came up with, that justifies why nothing makes any sense in this movie. Now some people might claim that this is an artistic piece and that the movie's heavy symbolism is explained as the the story is an internal conflict between a boy and his inner demons. On the other hand, I might claim that this is a piece of crap and its heavy handed symbolism and lame explanation are a result of a writer who was too stoned or tripping to make any sense and then decided to pretend that there was nothing wrong with their work.










Ian is a disturbed young man. Just look at him here, all hyped up on crystal meth.


Please don't get me wrong Sporefans. I'm not saying that you can't write under the influence of psychotropic drugs. I'm just saying you should edit it when you sober up afterwards. A little clarification will go a long way into saving your movie, your career and your reputation. Without it, someone might just take your movie and stick it in a dark steel box in the middle of no-where, and then bury the damn thing. Maybe that would be for the best.

The really sad thing is that this piece of crap movie is the last thing that Matthew McGrory will ever be billed for. You may know McGrory better as the giant from "Big Fish". If you haven't seen that movie, its a simultaneously uplifting and depressing movie directed by Tim Burton, and a movie too expensive for me to ever review.

Watching Shadowplace/Darkbox/who-gives-a-crap-what-the-name-is-anymore reminded me of another actor who went out on a tragic movie note. Way back in the 1990's some guy named Steven E. de Souza decided that it would be a really swell idea to make a live action movie version of Street Fighter starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Raul Julia. Unfortunately, this was Julia's last big screen appearance (though he did appear on a made for TV movie). It truly was a battle to the finish to see which would die first, Raul Julia or Van Damme's career. But somehow, despite logic, Van Damme still continues to make movies to this day... kind of like how Kevin Costner does.

Sadly, this tragic "last film" syndrome didn't have to happen to McGrory... but it did when Shadowbox was re-released in 2007 under the title of Darkplace and given the latest billing on McGrory's imdb list. Way to stick it to a dead guy Booth.










The newspaper of plot tells all. Cause, you know... dialogue is hard to write.


Curiosity overtook me. Why would Phillip Adrian Booth smear a good... OK, decent but large actor's name with his crappy re-re-released movie? Why would he subject the public to a re-re-release of his badly made drugged out psycho-drama?

OK, the correct answer is money, but that's no fun.

I decided to embark on a quest to view this movie in the state that the director was in when he created it. Not having access to regular street drugs like Booth, I decided to try the next best thing... NyQuil and Red Bull, with a healthy dose of non-toxic grade school paste just to be sure. After acquiring the appropriate ingredients, I set about turning my apartment into a seedy drug den by closing the blinds and locking the doors. Actually my apartment is usually in this state, so it was easy to set the mood. I ingested the concoction and set about my "trip".

I spent the next hour and forty minutes vomiting.










In this climactic scene, Dr. Nichols tries to save young Ian by using the ancient Eastern art of the mime, by walking against the wind.


While I was doing that, I had plenty of time to think about this incident. Maybe if a movie requires that you be on something to understand it, the movie isn't very good. Maybe if you need to be messed up beyond all belief to sit through a movie you shouldn't sit through it. Maybe I've learned my lesson and will stop watching these terrible movies.

Or maybe I should just stick to whiskey. Mmmm.... whiskey.


So I wasn't able to find any good video clips of Shadowbox/Darkplace. In fact, its probably for the best that you don't watch any of this movie at any point in your lives. I did however, find a clip from that dreadful live action version of Street Fighter that shows not only how bad this movie is, but how good Raul Julia is despite the movie. Check it out:

Half-Caste

Welcome back Sporefans. Its time that we kicked 2008 into high gear... with a beating. Join me today whilst I lay the smack down on one of the worst films ever created: "Half-Caste".













Don't get excited, the actual leopard people don't look half as good as the cover.


Set in South Africa, Half-Caste is about a mythological creature which is part leopard and part human. According to the official website for the movie which is brazenly displayed on screen throughout this sad flick, a half-caste is "much like a vampire" and "similar to a werewolf" but "more dangerous than any of the above". I got these quotes from the official website, which you can access here, just click on the link for "The Creature". Or don't, as its mostly a waste of time.

Other than the fact that this movie is an obvious and talentless rip on the movie "Cat People", in either incarnation; this movie falls under the Spored to Death rule of perpetually increasing awesomination. For those of you who have forgotten the rule, it states "When a concept occurs, whether in a good movie or not, and is copied and improved upon by another movie, the concept will be cheapened and craptified on a inversely proportionate scale to its so called improvement."

So to sum up, this movie is about a werewolf vampire cat person, but this monster is cooler than werewolves and vampires put together because its all psychological... and... stuff.










Rawr.


I had low expectations for this movie, but Half-Caste managed to stumble like an autistic child with tied shoelaces on every conceivable hurdle placed before it. Even the one's I buried. The first and highest hurdle I could think, was deciding the on the format. You would think that when making a low budget horror movie that this would be an easy decision, but alas Half-Caste can't decide if it wanted to be a straight horror movie, a documentary horror movie or a reality TV horror movie.

At times the film is straight out horror, when the camera is intangible to the characters. At other times the movie interviews "witnesses" who recount their experiences involving interactions with the "Half-Caste". But most of the time the movie comes off like a bad episode of "Big Brother" as the house mates sit around talking about how excited they are to be tracking a Half-Caste.










I did NOT edit this picture, this is straight from the movie.


About 10 minutes into the movie the characters hire an African guide who takes them out into the bush to see animals and learn about African wildlife. At this point, they are instructed to eat and smoke different types of animal dung.

No, I'm not making this up.










This man is eating feces.


The "documentary crew" learns that eating the poop of a giraffe is nutritious, and that smoking the poop of an elephant cures headaches. They do as they are instructed by their guide, and I would like to point out that this is the high point of the movie. After this scene there's a steep decline as the crew gets more and more involved in tracking their shoddily constructed prey.










Apodaca is about to smoke elephant dung. Anything to get high, eh?


I would like to go into the characters and actors more, but the only name that matters in this production is Sebastian Apodaca. Sebastian plays documentary director Bobby G. Cortez, and then there are some other people who's names aren't important enough to remember; which is really sad because I was taking notes. I tried, and I still can't differentiate between them. They just don't matter, except for that one scene where everyone was asking Ray if he was gay. Maybe its because the writing was shoddy. Maybe its because of the real world/documentary format that doesn't focus on creating any type of tangible story, and therefore doesn't develop any of the character's attributes.

Or maybe its because Sebastian Apodaca is also the writer, director and producer of this movie. But who can say?

Oh wait. I can.

This movie suffers and the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of the writer, director, producer and star Apodaca. Anything to get your name in lights, right?










In this scene Cortez chastises his crew for trying to steal his fame. Oh, and Apodaca, someone should have pointed out to you that you're BACKLIT!

Good job sport.


There are some terrible inconsistencies, but chances are you won't notice them as the insipid crap-eating plot rots your brain. The biggest example is when they attempt to use "special documentary cameras". The movie uses "streaming webcam" shots, which is obviously the same type of 16mm film that they use for the rest of the movie, but with the words "streaming webcam" in the lower right corner. They also attempt the same thing with the label "infrared camera" on the lower right. Oh, and let's not forget the "leopard man" camera in this supposed documentary. These are just the technical errors, I haven't even touched the writing yet.

Speaking of which...

In the opening section the documentary team is lead through the bush by a professional guide, who doesn't appear in the rest of the movie. I guess you when you've got the hubris of Apodaca you don't need a guide to get through the wilds of Africa. Either that or it cost too much. The guide is captured on screen telling the crew about the dangers of the bush, and not to leave the car or stand up in it. Later in the movie the crew not only travels around the bush without their guide, they do so in the dead of night. So let's see... dangerous area, wild animals. I guess its only natural that everyone lounge around the house all day and only go out looking for monsters at night.










Yesterday was Valentine's day; and look, she got you a heart!


That being said, it should come as a shock to no one when they're attacked by a lion. Good thing they had a lion tamer on staff for all the lion scenes. For all those morons who wrote to imdb astounded that they captured footage of a real live lion attacking the car, maybe you should have stuck around for the credits. I usually don't fling my insults at the viewing audience, but I strongly suspect that some of the crew... well, probably just Apodaca, have been writing bogus imdb comments about this movie.

Can't you just see it? Apodaca, alone in his house at night rocking back and fourth on the milk crate that he's probably using for a chair in front of his laptop writing sad little comments to lure people into watching this movie all the while chanting "I didn't make a piece of SPORE, I didn't make a piece of SPORE..." over and over while eating a tin of beans.










Fake experts agree: this movie is a piece of crap!


Well, even if you couldn't picture it before, I'm sure you've got a pretty good mental image of it now. I really wish I could stop ranting about how bad this movie was, as I feel like I'm picking on an autistic child with bad acne. I really should feel bad about it... I just don't. After having subjected myself and one other person to this movie...

Oh crap, I forgot about him! Hang on a second...


(sounds of screaming) "Oh god, make it stop! The poo! No more! Ahhh!"


Yeah, he'll be fine. Anyway, I don't really recommend watching this movie. It could do really bad things to you. There's an old saying that goes "Eat SPORE and die". Apodaca is half way there. But like everything else he does, this too is half-assed.


Today's youtube is only somewhat related to the movie. Enjoy the homeless sock monkey.

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Happy New Year Sporefans. After a not so brief vacation, Spored to Death Publishing is back with our first review of the new year. We're going to start off in a new direction this new year with our first review of a television series. I first became aware of this series in an inebriated haze after watching a movie for review. After flipping through the channels for a few minutes, dissatisfied with Sci-Fi's late night infomercial barrage, G4's late night leftovers which lead into an infomercial barrage, and HBO's... well, you know...

And then I found "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace".














No, that's not a porn. Darkplace is currently running on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim block, but seeing the edited version of Darkplace just wasn't enough for me. I needed to see the raw, uncut, uncensored version so I could hear all the naughty words that you can't say on TV. So we bought the DVD.

Did I mention that this is a British show?

Yes, Darkplace was made in England, which means that the DVD is a region 2 format. But wait! We're a region 1 country! Which means that the Darkplace DVD shouldn't play in my DVD player.










The caring doctors of Darkplace hospital will pop a cap in your ass if you're not careful.


Luckily Sporefans, I have the technology to crack the code on my DVD player and make it an "All-Region" player. Neat, huh? With my newly found power I popped the DVD into the player and we began a 4 hour trek into the mind of Garth Marenghi, otherwise known as Matthew Holness. To celebrate our victory over the regionalization of entertainment and the spread of global comedy, I will now conduct the rest of this review in a British accent.

A-hem.

In Darkplace Matthew Holness plays Garth Marenghi; an author, director, and actor who in turn plays Dr. Rick Dagless on the show within the show. Darkplace hosts many of these dual roles as the "actors" have commentary that was supposedly added after the show's first run in the 1980's. I say supposedly because the show was actually created and released in January of 2004, and merely appears to be a show from the 80's. In reality, Darkplace is an elaborate spoof on 80's television, horror writers, and Peru.











Darkplace hospital. Dark, isn't it?


The show within the show centers on Darkplace hospital, a facility that rests on a nexus of evil which leaks from a doorway to Hell; which happens to be located in Romford, England. Rick Dagless is the Protagonist and very obviously the extension of Marenghi's massive ego; and ego so massive it rivals my own. My ego is still bigger though, so you can imagine what a character Dagless is.

Richard Ayoade (I dare you to pronounce his name, DO IT!!!) plays Dean Learner who is both Garth's publisher and the actor who portrays Thornton Reed, Darkplace's Administrative official. Reed is constantly plauged by the mysterious and unseen "Won Ton" who controls Darkplace hospital. This is an obvious allusion to Charlie from Charlie's Angels. No, not the remake, although John Forsythe was the voice in both... I'm getting off topic again, but its an allusion to an unseen character who controls the plot. Like God. Or authors. Did I mention my ego recently?










"Garth Marenghi" and "Dean Learner".


The third player in Darkplace is Matt Berry who plays the actor Todd Rivers who in turn plays Dr. Lucien Sanchez. River's and Sanchez's most notable characteristic is the "Supervoice" which never quite syncs up with his mouth. There is some debate as to whether this is actually Matt Berry's voice, or if the lip-sync is just off to further the dazzling illusion of the 1980's. In any event, be sure to check out the music video shot in Darkplace with River's and Learner here.

The final member of the cast is Alice Lowe a.k.a. Madeleine Wool a.k.a. Dr. Liz Asher. She's psychic.

What, you want more? OK, Liz spends most of her on screen tenure at Darkplace either being put down by Dagless and Reed, or as a monkey. Luckily Alice Lowe is skilled at playing the part of a monkey and it shows in the episode where everyone turns into monkeys. No, no one throws any poo, they're mostly just hairier. This episode also features the requisite chase scene which, as we all know, was required to be on at least one prime time show in every channel in the 80's. It's a fact, look it up!











Right! Pull over! Pull over right now!


Darkplace is a scant six episodes long, but each of these six episodes is jam packed with great content that any fan of bad movies would love. In a scene from the first episode object's change in Thornton Reed's hand back and fourth from a bloody shovel to a Styrofoam coffee cup. For those of you more experienced readers, keep an eye out for something I like to call the "Premonition stop". This takes place when one character is dramatically walking away from another and stops in front of the camera before their name is called out. Darkplace is full of subtle and not so subtle humor that allows the viewer to catch something new each time they watch an episode; or at least until they've discovered everything. These things are finite, you know.











She's turning into broccoli.


So, should you watch "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace"? Well, you could watch it for free on Cartoon Network, but you'd have to put up with censorship and commercials; two things I hate and not necessarily in that order. No Sporefans, you should get the DVD, and I even suggest you get it from a reputable dealer like amazon.com and not that shady guy who hangs out at the docks. Why?

Because these people deserve your money.

I do not say that lightly. Most of the crap I buy I would never recommend that you also purchase. I would not want to encourage the producers of drek to produce more drek. I'd like to think that my input on a movie slightly increases or decreases the amount of revenue it receives. It doesn't, but that's not the point. The point is, if I'm telling you that you should actually shell out $30 American for something that they're giving away on TV and that you could easily acquire by setting your DVR to record it, that it is my highest form of praise. Also, the extras are pretty funny, if you're into that sort of thing.

Also, unlike the shady guy from the docks, amazon.com is unlikely to try and steal your organs and sell them on the black market.

Sure you could get by on one kidney and save yourself $20 or even $21 dollars, but I recommend you keep the kidney and spend the extra money on an official copy of "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace". It's worth it.


On a final note, cartoon network hates having their stuff pimped out on youtube, but their embed code sucks and causes my post to crash. So here's a small bit from darkplace on youtube.

Once again, buy it!

Anus Magillicutty

With a title like "Anus Magillicutty", you know it has to be good.

And by that I mean bad.

Welcome Sporefans, to the last movie review of 2007. As the closing act for this year, I've selected Anus Magillicutty.















Jesus SPORING Christ! What the Hell is that?!?!


On the cover of this movie is the caption "Worst movie ever made". This is a pretty steep claim, so I decided that I needed to see this movie. A need so great it was as if I were a mosquito lured by the bio-luminescent bait of a lantern-fish if mosquito's could wear tiny aqualungs and swim to the depths of the ocean floor.

After waiting a few weeks for my order to arrive, then waiting a few more weeks to find the time to view the movie and then waiting a few more weeks to find the appropriate crop of victi... I mean... viewing audience to watch the movie with, I finally ripped off the plastic and cracked open the case of this movie. With a sense of giddiness that can only be brought on by impending doom, I put the DVD into the player and hit the button.

It didn't load.












Anus's trash can smells like something crawled into it and died...
Oh wait...


Then after popping it out, reloading the movie, praying to the DVD gods and sacrificing a small gingerbread man to them, I finally got the movie to work. The movie started rolling with a shot of a guy with terrible yellow teeth surrounded by two girls speaking to a twitchy looking skinny guy. There was no dialogue, just some music and the characters talking and smoking what appeared to be the dread mary-ja-whanna.












Joe Hall shows that he has the same dental plan as Eisei Amamoto.


After that it cut to a guy with funny red hair sitting at a bar. The movie freeze frames, and a voice over can be heard, presumably from the title character "Anus", (played by Lloyd Garner, or Henry Lloyd depending on who you ask), and he spoke these utterly profound and truthful words that will forever change my outlook on life.

"As long as I could remember, there have always been two things on my mind - Tits!"- Anus Magillicutty.

What followed was a 70 minute movie that was comprised of approximately 60% soft-core pornography, 15% music video, 10% badly acted scenes, 8% kung-fu fighting, 6% stuff going on for no reason, and less that 1% plot. Did I mention that IMDB claims that this movie is 99.9% unscripted? It shows. In every scene.

Every. Scene.












Anus ponders the magical wonders of breasts.


From what I can gather, Anus and his brother (played by Buddy Golden) made a deal with the devil (played by Joe Hall) for "Man beauty". While "brother" Magillicutty views the man beauty as a curse, Anus uses his man beauty to sleep with as many women as possible. By doing this, Anus has pissed off half of some-random-town-in-California-that-I-don't-remember-the-name-of, and hits are called out on Anus for fast and loose ways. When a hit man (played by Daryl Khan) attempts to plug Anus while he sleeps, his girlfriend "Anus's Woman" played by Paige Abbott (seriously, she has no name. I've seen her naked, and I don't know her name.) attacks, overpowers and kills the would-be ass-assassin.

What?

Anus is now stuck with a rotting corpse in his garbage can. His father, "Father Magillicutty" (played by Chuck. Seriously, that's what he's listed as: Chuck), tells Anus to take out his trash, as its starting to stink up the joint. He also feels the need to point to the mustard on his shirt and to inform Anus that he was eating a hot dog. Yeah. That's... irrelevant.

The rest of the movie is Anus attempting to get rid of the body while he's being pursued by assassins and Satan. Oh, and the porn. It just shows up when nothing else is going on. Like a screen saver, but for a movie.












Hold up! You just stabbed me, Anus! Damn that's gonna leave a stain!


Now lets start with the good. This movie is funny. Really funny. Sometimes intentionally. There are some really great lines and scenes, but they're few and far between. I think there might be, I dunno... four... maybe five good lines. They really stand out though, as the rest of the movie is pure SPORE. The fight sequences in particular are pretty good, especially the one where Anus makes a guy's head explode.

...

Moving on. There is one other great thing about this movie Sporefans, the music. Three bands do the music for this movie: Papa, Gunfighter, and Green Door Pedestal. The music is really good and if you can find time, try to look these bands up.

Now on to the mediocre...

There isn't any.












Looks like the masked ass-assassin could use a hand.

...

Stop groaning. You saw that joke coming a mile away.


Finally the bad. Whole rest of the movie. Where do I start? The script, of course. Abraham Fineburgh is credited with having written the script, but according to the IMDB trivia section this movie is 99.9% unscripted. So if both of these facts are true, the following is my approximation for the script of Anus Magillicutty.

Anus Magillicutty: Scene 1

The.

Roll credits.

Yeah that about sums it up. Most of the actors ad-lib the whole movie. You can tell who's got talent and who's taking up space by their ability to mimic scenes from "Whose line is it anyway". Effects? Well they're done by someone with a primitive editing board from the 80's. Luckily they were one step above "The Malibu Beach Vampires" and didn't sink as low as using a star wipe for every other transition. There's also a badly done CGI cartoon show and some cheap computer effects that far outshine the BASIC computer sequences from "Snakes on a Train".












Satan attempts to explain why he was rooting around in Anus's trunk.


So, in conclusion Sporefans... wait. What's this? There's something worse than "bad" at the bottom of my list. What could it be? What is so rotten, so foul, that it stands out in this craptastic crapterpiece appropriately labeled Anus? What is it?

Chuck.

That's right, Father Magillicutty, played by Chuck. Where the SPORE did they find this guy? Did they just scour the streets of Southern California looking for a meth addict or mental patient released in the 80's by Reagan that fit the bill? The only thing he has to do in this movie is tell Anus to take out the garbage, but he can't keep from cracking a goofy looking smile while he shouts profanities and giggles. For some strange reason I was filled with the urge to smack this foul Neanderthal upside his velcro-shoe wearing, drool dripping skull with a nine iron. If you're bad enough to stand out in a movie that proclaims itself to be the worst movie ever made, you suck.

As for Anus Magillicutty being the worst movie ever made, sadly I must admit that it falls a close second to "The Evil of Dr. Satanicus", which is available free of charge online. However, Anus Magillicutty can proudly proclaim itself to be the worst movie ever produced and sold, which is still a mighty achievement in the world of terrible movies, which I guess is a good thing if that's what you're aiming for.

Should you watch this movie, Sporefans? It depends on your answer to the following question. For as long as you can remember, what are the two thing's that you've had on your mind?

There you go. Till next year Sporefans. Keep warm, and watch your Anus.

Well Sporefans, since I've already posted the trailer for Anus Magillicutty, I can't very well repeat myself. So I had to find something of equal caliber. Here's a brief scene from "Vampires vs. Zombies". I was going to post the official trailer, but it actually contained brief nudity. You can see that by clicking this link.

Brutal

Hey there Sporefans. Tonight's movie review is brutal. No, I mean "Brutal", written and directed by Ethan Wiley and released in 2007. Also, "whoos" on first, "waats" on second, and "Ida Know's" on third.













That joke was pretty brutal, I know.

"Brutal" is also brutal, and not because of its horror content. What else would you expect from the guy who wrote House 2 and Children of the Corn 5? Did I mention that the only thing he worked on in the eleven year stretch between these two movies was composing some music for a short film in the year 2000? Working on that great American novel Ethan?

Wiley's not all bad, the problem is that he was trying to write a horror movie and wound up with some good TV drama instead. There are actually two plots mixed up in this mixed up and brutal movie. In the "good" plot you have Sarah Thompson as Zoe Adams and the infamous Jeffery Combs as Sheriff Jimmy Fleck. Adams is...










What did I tell you about stalking me?


Wait a minute, Jeffrey Combs? "Reanimator" Jeffrey Combs? "The Frightners" Jeffrey Combs? "Trancers 2", both "House on Haunted Hill" remakes, "Necronomicon", "Castle Freak" Jeffrey SPORING Combs? How the hell did Wiley pull that off? If he can get Jeffrey Combs to act his movie, maybe he does have a chance against Mega-Man. OK, so maybe it's not that surprising. But still...

Oh! The review! Right. Sorry.

Adams is...

Jeffrey Combs?! How?

Ahem.

Adams, who is a police officer, is having an affair with the Sheriff. As the movie progresses the Sheriff starts to feel remorseful over this affair, and by remorseful I mean he's up for re-election. The Sheriff tries to break off his affair with Adams several times, and even tries to get her to hook up with the town's "ace" reporter Rick (played by William Sanford). It's to no avail, as Adams is deeply in love with Sheriff Fleck and hopes that one day he will leave his wife and they'll live happily ever after. Will it happen? I guess you'll just have to watch the movie to find out.

OK, no it doesn't happen.










I know there's a dead body behind you and all, but what about dinner sometime? What? Too creepy?


Unfortunately Sporefans, this is still a horror movie; and the horror plot in this movie sucks some pretty hardcore... uhh... suck-i-tude. Wiley dons the director's hat and does a pretty good job of being graphic with the violence. There are even a couple of funny scenes, like the one where a guy dies from an overdose of Viagra in front of the killer. Too bad the killer himself and his motivations are most definitely not brutal.










So there I was about to stab a guy with a pair of gardening shears, when he fell over and had a heart attack in front of me? Can you believe that? He overdosed on Viagra!

I did slaughter his girlfriend though, so the night wasn't a total loss.


The killer's M.O. is that he's into flowers. How brutal is that? He kills women who live on streets named after flowers, makes them into compost and then plants that flower on them for... some... unknown (I was too drunk to remember) reason. Oh, and every street in the town has a flower for a street name. That narrows the list of killers down to, oh... everyone.










Find the killer, you must. Yes. Also, too old for the training, you are. Yes.


Don't worry though, Wiley ruins it for you right away by showing you the killer as he goes about his business of killing girls. Mostly girls who are in sexual situations, but you probably already saw that coming too. I guess the concept of building suspense was lost on him, as he was too busy building more robots to destroy Mega-Man. You'll get a clear view of the killer's face about 10 minutes into the movie, removing any theories about Jeffrey Combs playing the killer.










Huh? Sorry, I was distracted by those two girls making out at the bar behind you.


I have to give the actors credit, even though there are some terrible lines they deliver them without undue laughter or grimaces. For example, Rick the town's ace reporter asks Zoe and the Sheriff if they suspect foul play.

In front of a body bag. Next to a garbage can full of blood.

Did I mention the girl was in pieces?

In conclusion, Dr. Wiley, er... Ethan Wiley, should probably watch a few more horror movies before he pen's his next horror flick. Or switch to late night TV drama. Just don't take too long Ethan, or it'll be 2019 before your next movie hits DVD... or whatever they watch movies on in 2019.

Anyway, you can check out the "Brutal" Trailer below, or click here for something funny. As always, you can post your comments on the Sporeboard, or here. It seems I've been shooting myself in the foot, because the more comments a post has, the more it comes up in google.

And I'd like to think that I'm higly googleable.

Best of the Worst

Due to my inability to keep myself from shamelessly plugging my website, we may have a few new readers soon. Because of this, and because nostalgia struck me in the head with a 2x4, I've decided to post up some links to the best, or maybe worst reviews I've ever done. Here now is a primer for all things Spored_to_Death... in award show format.

Most hyped review: Snakes on a Train.

Most scholarly review: The Hellraiser Series. Wow, I actually did some research for that. Some, being the operative word.

Longest running interconnected reviews: King Kong Escapes introduced two villians who became co-reviewers in Terror of Mechagodzilla and Godzilla X Mechagodzilla.

Most crap I've ever made up in one review goes to A look inside Spored to Death Publishing. It was about 99.9% fiction.

Best movie I've actually reviewed goes to Black Sheep.

The best no-budget film award goes to The Evil of Dr. Satanicus.

Worst concept goes to The Shadow Walkers for their hypersexual kung-fu zombie super soldiers.

Best use of a midget goes to Slaughter Party.

And now, both last and first (until I review Anus Magillucutty) is Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness. Without this movie, I wouldn't be here today. Thank God for Erika Eleniak's... er... acting ability.

As always, check the Sporeboard for... stuff.