Darkplace/Shadowbox

Welcome back Sporefans. Tonight we have a mixed up review of a mixed up movie. Not only does this movie have two names but it also has two imdb pages. And while the first title may appear to be similar to "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace", make no mistake as we are talking about a decidedly different animal.















As far as I can tell this movie was originally released as the title "ShadowBox" and then re-released as "DarkPlace". This isn't as uncommon as you might think in the B-movie world, as there are many titles that see re-release with a new moniker as to rake in some extra cash from used material. This practice is all over the B-movie world, why they re-use everything they can to come in under budget: actors, props, sets, sound effects, condoms. There's almost no limit to the thrifty, cash saving techniques that a good B-movie producer/director/writer might use. So why not re-use the whole movie?

Oh. Because it sucks.

This is actually quite a shock to me because the director, Philip Adrian Booth wrote and directed another movie called "Death Tunnel" which I actually enjoyed. Sure, "Death Tunnel" was a remake of the remake of "House on Haunted Hill", but it had a better location and didn't have all the Hollywood plasticity you'd see in the remake of HoHH or HoHH2: "More dumb people show up to be eaten by ghosts". While by no means original, Death Tunnel was at least a good 97 minutes of blood soaked fun. So the question you've got to ask yourself upon seeing ShadowBox/DarkPlace is:

"What the SPORE happened to Philip Adrian Booth's talent?"

Anyone with information leading to the location of the missing talent should contact Spored to Death Publishing. Not that we're going to give it back to him, we're actually just curious as to what happened. And all though we have no proof, I think I have a good theory as to what happened to the missing talent. Read on, Sporefans, and I'll reveal my theory in the course of the review.

The main problem with ShadowBox/DarkPlace/talent-devouring-hole is that the movie doesn't really make much sense. Supposedly this movie is about a kid locked in a box somewhere, and detective or a doctor or something who is investigating the box. The problem is that the movie spends so much time jumping around that the plot doesn't make any sense. The dialogue between characters is lacking, and when there is some its either distorted by special effects, or repeated over and over even though there's really nothing going on. How many times are we going to have to listen to an old guy with bad teeth say the same thing over and over again while the drunken cameraman loads the camera with equal parts film and booze and focuses on the old guy's rotten teeth? Is this what passes for a good shot in a horror movie these days?

Or could it be that Philip Adrian Booth is on "the drugs"?










And I was like... that's totally... like... awesome. And it was, like, the biggest thing in the history of mankind... got any cookies? I'm starving.


And by that I don't mean that stuff that they prescribe in a doctor's office. I mean the kind of drugs that you get from a guy behind the hardware store. It would explain the psycho-dramatic events and effects that take place in ShadowBox/DarkPlace/bad-mushroom-trip-that-shouldn't-have-been-turned-into-a-movie.

Let's take a quick look at some of the events in this film. Dr. Virgil Nichols (Dougald Park) is sitting in his office going over his notes on the supernatural events surrounding the mysterious box that they lock people in, which lies in the middle of no-where. Please temporarily put aside your question of "why would a doctor investigate this" because it won't be answered, at least not in any satisfying way. He gets a creepy phone call that tells him to get on a train. He does so. Creepy people appear and menace him. He gets off the train. Somehow he later winds up back in his office.

Prepare for some spoilers.










This movie thinks that it has something in common with Dante's Inferno. Like demons.


Also in the movie is a young man or boy named "Ian" played by both Benjamin Bryan and Timothy Lee dePriest. Flashbacks ensue. Lots of them. Beware the flashbacks. Lots of terrible things happen to Ian over the course of this movie. For example, someone locks him in a box in the middle of a field for a week. Then this movie happens.

Yes Sporefans, this whole sad movie is a flashback. Apparently this is the reason, or more likely the excuse Booth came up with, that justifies why nothing makes any sense in this movie. Now some people might claim that this is an artistic piece and that the movie's heavy symbolism is explained as the the story is an internal conflict between a boy and his inner demons. On the other hand, I might claim that this is a piece of crap and its heavy handed symbolism and lame explanation are a result of a writer who was too stoned or tripping to make any sense and then decided to pretend that there was nothing wrong with their work.










Ian is a disturbed young man. Just look at him here, all hyped up on crystal meth.


Please don't get me wrong Sporefans. I'm not saying that you can't write under the influence of psychotropic drugs. I'm just saying you should edit it when you sober up afterwards. A little clarification will go a long way into saving your movie, your career and your reputation. Without it, someone might just take your movie and stick it in a dark steel box in the middle of no-where, and then bury the damn thing. Maybe that would be for the best.

The really sad thing is that this piece of crap movie is the last thing that Matthew McGrory will ever be billed for. You may know McGrory better as the giant from "Big Fish". If you haven't seen that movie, its a simultaneously uplifting and depressing movie directed by Tim Burton, and a movie too expensive for me to ever review.

Watching Shadowplace/Darkbox/who-gives-a-crap-what-the-name-is-anymore reminded me of another actor who went out on a tragic movie note. Way back in the 1990's some guy named Steven E. de Souza decided that it would be a really swell idea to make a live action movie version of Street Fighter starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Raul Julia. Unfortunately, this was Julia's last big screen appearance (though he did appear on a made for TV movie). It truly was a battle to the finish to see which would die first, Raul Julia or Van Damme's career. But somehow, despite logic, Van Damme still continues to make movies to this day... kind of like how Kevin Costner does.

Sadly, this tragic "last film" syndrome didn't have to happen to McGrory... but it did when Shadowbox was re-released in 2007 under the title of Darkplace and given the latest billing on McGrory's imdb list. Way to stick it to a dead guy Booth.










The newspaper of plot tells all. Cause, you know... dialogue is hard to write.


Curiosity overtook me. Why would Phillip Adrian Booth smear a good... OK, decent but large actor's name with his crappy re-re-released movie? Why would he subject the public to a re-re-release of his badly made drugged out psycho-drama?

OK, the correct answer is money, but that's no fun.

I decided to embark on a quest to view this movie in the state that the director was in when he created it. Not having access to regular street drugs like Booth, I decided to try the next best thing... NyQuil and Red Bull, with a healthy dose of non-toxic grade school paste just to be sure. After acquiring the appropriate ingredients, I set about turning my apartment into a seedy drug den by closing the blinds and locking the doors. Actually my apartment is usually in this state, so it was easy to set the mood. I ingested the concoction and set about my "trip".

I spent the next hour and forty minutes vomiting.










In this climactic scene, Dr. Nichols tries to save young Ian by using the ancient Eastern art of the mime, by walking against the wind.


While I was doing that, I had plenty of time to think about this incident. Maybe if a movie requires that you be on something to understand it, the movie isn't very good. Maybe if you need to be messed up beyond all belief to sit through a movie you shouldn't sit through it. Maybe I've learned my lesson and will stop watching these terrible movies.

Or maybe I should just stick to whiskey. Mmmm.... whiskey.


So I wasn't able to find any good video clips of Shadowbox/Darkplace. In fact, its probably for the best that you don't watch any of this movie at any point in your lives. I did however, find a clip from that dreadful live action version of Street Fighter that shows not only how bad this movie is, but how good Raul Julia is despite the movie. Check it out:

Half-Caste

Welcome back Sporefans. Its time that we kicked 2008 into high gear... with a beating. Join me today whilst I lay the smack down on one of the worst films ever created: "Half-Caste".













Don't get excited, the actual leopard people don't look half as good as the cover.


Set in South Africa, Half-Caste is about a mythological creature which is part leopard and part human. According to the official website for the movie which is brazenly displayed on screen throughout this sad flick, a half-caste is "much like a vampire" and "similar to a werewolf" but "more dangerous than any of the above". I got these quotes from the official website, which you can access here, just click on the link for "The Creature". Or don't, as its mostly a waste of time.

Other than the fact that this movie is an obvious and talentless rip on the movie "Cat People", in either incarnation; this movie falls under the Spored to Death rule of perpetually increasing awesomination. For those of you who have forgotten the rule, it states "When a concept occurs, whether in a good movie or not, and is copied and improved upon by another movie, the concept will be cheapened and craptified on a inversely proportionate scale to its so called improvement."

So to sum up, this movie is about a werewolf vampire cat person, but this monster is cooler than werewolves and vampires put together because its all psychological... and... stuff.










Rawr.


I had low expectations for this movie, but Half-Caste managed to stumble like an autistic child with tied shoelaces on every conceivable hurdle placed before it. Even the one's I buried. The first and highest hurdle I could think, was deciding the on the format. You would think that when making a low budget horror movie that this would be an easy decision, but alas Half-Caste can't decide if it wanted to be a straight horror movie, a documentary horror movie or a reality TV horror movie.

At times the film is straight out horror, when the camera is intangible to the characters. At other times the movie interviews "witnesses" who recount their experiences involving interactions with the "Half-Caste". But most of the time the movie comes off like a bad episode of "Big Brother" as the house mates sit around talking about how excited they are to be tracking a Half-Caste.










I did NOT edit this picture, this is straight from the movie.


About 10 minutes into the movie the characters hire an African guide who takes them out into the bush to see animals and learn about African wildlife. At this point, they are instructed to eat and smoke different types of animal dung.

No, I'm not making this up.










This man is eating feces.


The "documentary crew" learns that eating the poop of a giraffe is nutritious, and that smoking the poop of an elephant cures headaches. They do as they are instructed by their guide, and I would like to point out that this is the high point of the movie. After this scene there's a steep decline as the crew gets more and more involved in tracking their shoddily constructed prey.










Apodaca is about to smoke elephant dung. Anything to get high, eh?


I would like to go into the characters and actors more, but the only name that matters in this production is Sebastian Apodaca. Sebastian plays documentary director Bobby G. Cortez, and then there are some other people who's names aren't important enough to remember; which is really sad because I was taking notes. I tried, and I still can't differentiate between them. They just don't matter, except for that one scene where everyone was asking Ray if he was gay. Maybe its because the writing was shoddy. Maybe its because of the real world/documentary format that doesn't focus on creating any type of tangible story, and therefore doesn't develop any of the character's attributes.

Or maybe its because Sebastian Apodaca is also the writer, director and producer of this movie. But who can say?

Oh wait. I can.

This movie suffers and the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of the writer, director, producer and star Apodaca. Anything to get your name in lights, right?










In this scene Cortez chastises his crew for trying to steal his fame. Oh, and Apodaca, someone should have pointed out to you that you're BACKLIT!

Good job sport.


There are some terrible inconsistencies, but chances are you won't notice them as the insipid crap-eating plot rots your brain. The biggest example is when they attempt to use "special documentary cameras". The movie uses "streaming webcam" shots, which is obviously the same type of 16mm film that they use for the rest of the movie, but with the words "streaming webcam" in the lower right corner. They also attempt the same thing with the label "infrared camera" on the lower right. Oh, and let's not forget the "leopard man" camera in this supposed documentary. These are just the technical errors, I haven't even touched the writing yet.

Speaking of which...

In the opening section the documentary team is lead through the bush by a professional guide, who doesn't appear in the rest of the movie. I guess you when you've got the hubris of Apodaca you don't need a guide to get through the wilds of Africa. Either that or it cost too much. The guide is captured on screen telling the crew about the dangers of the bush, and not to leave the car or stand up in it. Later in the movie the crew not only travels around the bush without their guide, they do so in the dead of night. So let's see... dangerous area, wild animals. I guess its only natural that everyone lounge around the house all day and only go out looking for monsters at night.










Yesterday was Valentine's day; and look, she got you a heart!


That being said, it should come as a shock to no one when they're attacked by a lion. Good thing they had a lion tamer on staff for all the lion scenes. For all those morons who wrote to imdb astounded that they captured footage of a real live lion attacking the car, maybe you should have stuck around for the credits. I usually don't fling my insults at the viewing audience, but I strongly suspect that some of the crew... well, probably just Apodaca, have been writing bogus imdb comments about this movie.

Can't you just see it? Apodaca, alone in his house at night rocking back and fourth on the milk crate that he's probably using for a chair in front of his laptop writing sad little comments to lure people into watching this movie all the while chanting "I didn't make a piece of SPORE, I didn't make a piece of SPORE..." over and over while eating a tin of beans.










Fake experts agree: this movie is a piece of crap!


Well, even if you couldn't picture it before, I'm sure you've got a pretty good mental image of it now. I really wish I could stop ranting about how bad this movie was, as I feel like I'm picking on an autistic child with bad acne. I really should feel bad about it... I just don't. After having subjected myself and one other person to this movie...

Oh crap, I forgot about him! Hang on a second...


(sounds of screaming) "Oh god, make it stop! The poo! No more! Ahhh!"


Yeah, he'll be fine. Anyway, I don't really recommend watching this movie. It could do really bad things to you. There's an old saying that goes "Eat SPORE and die". Apodaca is half way there. But like everything else he does, this too is half-assed.


Today's youtube is only somewhat related to the movie. Enjoy the homeless sock monkey.

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Happy New Year Sporefans. After a not so brief vacation, Spored to Death Publishing is back with our first review of the new year. We're going to start off in a new direction this new year with our first review of a television series. I first became aware of this series in an inebriated haze after watching a movie for review. After flipping through the channels for a few minutes, dissatisfied with Sci-Fi's late night infomercial barrage, G4's late night leftovers which lead into an infomercial barrage, and HBO's... well, you know...

And then I found "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace".














No, that's not a porn. Darkplace is currently running on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim block, but seeing the edited version of Darkplace just wasn't enough for me. I needed to see the raw, uncut, uncensored version so I could hear all the naughty words that you can't say on TV. So we bought the DVD.

Did I mention that this is a British show?

Yes, Darkplace was made in England, which means that the DVD is a region 2 format. But wait! We're a region 1 country! Which means that the Darkplace DVD shouldn't play in my DVD player.










The caring doctors of Darkplace hospital will pop a cap in your ass if you're not careful.


Luckily Sporefans, I have the technology to crack the code on my DVD player and make it an "All-Region" player. Neat, huh? With my newly found power I popped the DVD into the player and we began a 4 hour trek into the mind of Garth Marenghi, otherwise known as Matthew Holness. To celebrate our victory over the regionalization of entertainment and the spread of global comedy, I will now conduct the rest of this review in a British accent.

A-hem.

In Darkplace Matthew Holness plays Garth Marenghi; an author, director, and actor who in turn plays Dr. Rick Dagless on the show within the show. Darkplace hosts many of these dual roles as the "actors" have commentary that was supposedly added after the show's first run in the 1980's. I say supposedly because the show was actually created and released in January of 2004, and merely appears to be a show from the 80's. In reality, Darkplace is an elaborate spoof on 80's television, horror writers, and Peru.











Darkplace hospital. Dark, isn't it?


The show within the show centers on Darkplace hospital, a facility that rests on a nexus of evil which leaks from a doorway to Hell; which happens to be located in Romford, England. Rick Dagless is the Protagonist and very obviously the extension of Marenghi's massive ego; and ego so massive it rivals my own. My ego is still bigger though, so you can imagine what a character Dagless is.

Richard Ayoade (I dare you to pronounce his name, DO IT!!!) plays Dean Learner who is both Garth's publisher and the actor who portrays Thornton Reed, Darkplace's Administrative official. Reed is constantly plauged by the mysterious and unseen "Won Ton" who controls Darkplace hospital. This is an obvious allusion to Charlie from Charlie's Angels. No, not the remake, although John Forsythe was the voice in both... I'm getting off topic again, but its an allusion to an unseen character who controls the plot. Like God. Or authors. Did I mention my ego recently?










"Garth Marenghi" and "Dean Learner".


The third player in Darkplace is Matt Berry who plays the actor Todd Rivers who in turn plays Dr. Lucien Sanchez. River's and Sanchez's most notable characteristic is the "Supervoice" which never quite syncs up with his mouth. There is some debate as to whether this is actually Matt Berry's voice, or if the lip-sync is just off to further the dazzling illusion of the 1980's. In any event, be sure to check out the music video shot in Darkplace with River's and Learner here.

The final member of the cast is Alice Lowe a.k.a. Madeleine Wool a.k.a. Dr. Liz Asher. She's psychic.

What, you want more? OK, Liz spends most of her on screen tenure at Darkplace either being put down by Dagless and Reed, or as a monkey. Luckily Alice Lowe is skilled at playing the part of a monkey and it shows in the episode where everyone turns into monkeys. No, no one throws any poo, they're mostly just hairier. This episode also features the requisite chase scene which, as we all know, was required to be on at least one prime time show in every channel in the 80's. It's a fact, look it up!











Right! Pull over! Pull over right now!


Darkplace is a scant six episodes long, but each of these six episodes is jam packed with great content that any fan of bad movies would love. In a scene from the first episode object's change in Thornton Reed's hand back and fourth from a bloody shovel to a Styrofoam coffee cup. For those of you more experienced readers, keep an eye out for something I like to call the "Premonition stop". This takes place when one character is dramatically walking away from another and stops in front of the camera before their name is called out. Darkplace is full of subtle and not so subtle humor that allows the viewer to catch something new each time they watch an episode; or at least until they've discovered everything. These things are finite, you know.











She's turning into broccoli.


So, should you watch "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace"? Well, you could watch it for free on Cartoon Network, but you'd have to put up with censorship and commercials; two things I hate and not necessarily in that order. No Sporefans, you should get the DVD, and I even suggest you get it from a reputable dealer like amazon.com and not that shady guy who hangs out at the docks. Why?

Because these people deserve your money.

I do not say that lightly. Most of the crap I buy I would never recommend that you also purchase. I would not want to encourage the producers of drek to produce more drek. I'd like to think that my input on a movie slightly increases or decreases the amount of revenue it receives. It doesn't, but that's not the point. The point is, if I'm telling you that you should actually shell out $30 American for something that they're giving away on TV and that you could easily acquire by setting your DVR to record it, that it is my highest form of praise. Also, the extras are pretty funny, if you're into that sort of thing.

Also, unlike the shady guy from the docks, amazon.com is unlikely to try and steal your organs and sell them on the black market.

Sure you could get by on one kidney and save yourself $20 or even $21 dollars, but I recommend you keep the kidney and spend the extra money on an official copy of "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace". It's worth it.


On a final note, cartoon network hates having their stuff pimped out on youtube, but their embed code sucks and causes my post to crash. So here's a small bit from darkplace on youtube.

Once again, buy it!

Anus Magillicutty

With a title like "Anus Magillicutty", you know it has to be good.

And by that I mean bad.

Welcome Sporefans, to the last movie review of 2007. As the closing act for this year, I've selected Anus Magillicutty.















Jesus SPORING Christ! What the Hell is that?!?!


On the cover of this movie is the caption "Worst movie ever made". This is a pretty steep claim, so I decided that I needed to see this movie. A need so great it was as if I were a mosquito lured by the bio-luminescent bait of a lantern-fish if mosquito's could wear tiny aqualungs and swim to the depths of the ocean floor.

After waiting a few weeks for my order to arrive, then waiting a few more weeks to find the time to view the movie and then waiting a few more weeks to find the appropriate crop of victi... I mean... viewing audience to watch the movie with, I finally ripped off the plastic and cracked open the case of this movie. With a sense of giddiness that can only be brought on by impending doom, I put the DVD into the player and hit the button.

It didn't load.












Anus's trash can smells like something crawled into it and died...
Oh wait...


Then after popping it out, reloading the movie, praying to the DVD gods and sacrificing a small gingerbread man to them, I finally got the movie to work. The movie started rolling with a shot of a guy with terrible yellow teeth surrounded by two girls speaking to a twitchy looking skinny guy. There was no dialogue, just some music and the characters talking and smoking what appeared to be the dread mary-ja-whanna.












Joe Hall shows that he has the same dental plan as Eisei Amamoto.


After that it cut to a guy with funny red hair sitting at a bar. The movie freeze frames, and a voice over can be heard, presumably from the title character "Anus", (played by Lloyd Garner, or Henry Lloyd depending on who you ask), and he spoke these utterly profound and truthful words that will forever change my outlook on life.

"As long as I could remember, there have always been two things on my mind - Tits!"- Anus Magillicutty.

What followed was a 70 minute movie that was comprised of approximately 60% soft-core pornography, 15% music video, 10% badly acted scenes, 8% kung-fu fighting, 6% stuff going on for no reason, and less that 1% plot. Did I mention that IMDB claims that this movie is 99.9% unscripted? It shows. In every scene.

Every. Scene.












Anus ponders the magical wonders of breasts.


From what I can gather, Anus and his brother (played by Buddy Golden) made a deal with the devil (played by Joe Hall) for "Man beauty". While "brother" Magillicutty views the man beauty as a curse, Anus uses his man beauty to sleep with as many women as possible. By doing this, Anus has pissed off half of some-random-town-in-California-that-I-don't-remember-the-name-of, and hits are called out on Anus for fast and loose ways. When a hit man (played by Daryl Khan) attempts to plug Anus while he sleeps, his girlfriend "Anus's Woman" played by Paige Abbott (seriously, she has no name. I've seen her naked, and I don't know her name.) attacks, overpowers and kills the would-be ass-assassin.

What?

Anus is now stuck with a rotting corpse in his garbage can. His father, "Father Magillicutty" (played by Chuck. Seriously, that's what he's listed as: Chuck), tells Anus to take out his trash, as its starting to stink up the joint. He also feels the need to point to the mustard on his shirt and to inform Anus that he was eating a hot dog. Yeah. That's... irrelevant.

The rest of the movie is Anus attempting to get rid of the body while he's being pursued by assassins and Satan. Oh, and the porn. It just shows up when nothing else is going on. Like a screen saver, but for a movie.












Hold up! You just stabbed me, Anus! Damn that's gonna leave a stain!


Now lets start with the good. This movie is funny. Really funny. Sometimes intentionally. There are some really great lines and scenes, but they're few and far between. I think there might be, I dunno... four... maybe five good lines. They really stand out though, as the rest of the movie is pure SPORE. The fight sequences in particular are pretty good, especially the one where Anus makes a guy's head explode.

...

Moving on. There is one other great thing about this movie Sporefans, the music. Three bands do the music for this movie: Papa, Gunfighter, and Green Door Pedestal. The music is really good and if you can find time, try to look these bands up.

Now on to the mediocre...

There isn't any.












Looks like the masked ass-assassin could use a hand.

...

Stop groaning. You saw that joke coming a mile away.


Finally the bad. Whole rest of the movie. Where do I start? The script, of course. Abraham Fineburgh is credited with having written the script, but according to the IMDB trivia section this movie is 99.9% unscripted. So if both of these facts are true, the following is my approximation for the script of Anus Magillicutty.

Anus Magillicutty: Scene 1

The.

Roll credits.

Yeah that about sums it up. Most of the actors ad-lib the whole movie. You can tell who's got talent and who's taking up space by their ability to mimic scenes from "Whose line is it anyway". Effects? Well they're done by someone with a primitive editing board from the 80's. Luckily they were one step above "The Malibu Beach Vampires" and didn't sink as low as using a star wipe for every other transition. There's also a badly done CGI cartoon show and some cheap computer effects that far outshine the BASIC computer sequences from "Snakes on a Train".












Satan attempts to explain why he was rooting around in Anus's trunk.


So, in conclusion Sporefans... wait. What's this? There's something worse than "bad" at the bottom of my list. What could it be? What is so rotten, so foul, that it stands out in this craptastic crapterpiece appropriately labeled Anus? What is it?

Chuck.

That's right, Father Magillicutty, played by Chuck. Where the SPORE did they find this guy? Did they just scour the streets of Southern California looking for a meth addict or mental patient released in the 80's by Reagan that fit the bill? The only thing he has to do in this movie is tell Anus to take out the garbage, but he can't keep from cracking a goofy looking smile while he shouts profanities and giggles. For some strange reason I was filled with the urge to smack this foul Neanderthal upside his velcro-shoe wearing, drool dripping skull with a nine iron. If you're bad enough to stand out in a movie that proclaims itself to be the worst movie ever made, you suck.

As for Anus Magillicutty being the worst movie ever made, sadly I must admit that it falls a close second to "The Evil of Dr. Satanicus", which is available free of charge online. However, Anus Magillicutty can proudly proclaim itself to be the worst movie ever produced and sold, which is still a mighty achievement in the world of terrible movies, which I guess is a good thing if that's what you're aiming for.

Should you watch this movie, Sporefans? It depends on your answer to the following question. For as long as you can remember, what are the two thing's that you've had on your mind?

There you go. Till next year Sporefans. Keep warm, and watch your Anus.

Well Sporefans, since I've already posted the trailer for Anus Magillicutty, I can't very well repeat myself. So I had to find something of equal caliber. Here's a brief scene from "Vampires vs. Zombies". I was going to post the official trailer, but it actually contained brief nudity. You can see that by clicking this link.

Brutal

Hey there Sporefans. Tonight's movie review is brutal. No, I mean "Brutal", written and directed by Ethan Wiley and released in 2007. Also, "whoos" on first, "waats" on second, and "Ida Know's" on third.













That joke was pretty brutal, I know.

"Brutal" is also brutal, and not because of its horror content. What else would you expect from the guy who wrote House 2 and Children of the Corn 5? Did I mention that the only thing he worked on in the eleven year stretch between these two movies was composing some music for a short film in the year 2000? Working on that great American novel Ethan?

Wiley's not all bad, the problem is that he was trying to write a horror movie and wound up with some good TV drama instead. There are actually two plots mixed up in this mixed up and brutal movie. In the "good" plot you have Sarah Thompson as Zoe Adams and the infamous Jeffery Combs as Sheriff Jimmy Fleck. Adams is...










What did I tell you about stalking me?


Wait a minute, Jeffrey Combs? "Reanimator" Jeffrey Combs? "The Frightners" Jeffrey Combs? "Trancers 2", both "House on Haunted Hill" remakes, "Necronomicon", "Castle Freak" Jeffrey SPORING Combs? How the hell did Wiley pull that off? If he can get Jeffrey Combs to act his movie, maybe he does have a chance against Mega-Man. OK, so maybe it's not that surprising. But still...

Oh! The review! Right. Sorry.

Adams is...

Jeffrey Combs?! How?

Ahem.

Adams, who is a police officer, is having an affair with the Sheriff. As the movie progresses the Sheriff starts to feel remorseful over this affair, and by remorseful I mean he's up for re-election. The Sheriff tries to break off his affair with Adams several times, and even tries to get her to hook up with the town's "ace" reporter Rick (played by William Sanford). It's to no avail, as Adams is deeply in love with Sheriff Fleck and hopes that one day he will leave his wife and they'll live happily ever after. Will it happen? I guess you'll just have to watch the movie to find out.

OK, no it doesn't happen.










I know there's a dead body behind you and all, but what about dinner sometime? What? Too creepy?


Unfortunately Sporefans, this is still a horror movie; and the horror plot in this movie sucks some pretty hardcore... uhh... suck-i-tude. Wiley dons the director's hat and does a pretty good job of being graphic with the violence. There are even a couple of funny scenes, like the one where a guy dies from an overdose of Viagra in front of the killer. Too bad the killer himself and his motivations are most definitely not brutal.










So there I was about to stab a guy with a pair of gardening shears, when he fell over and had a heart attack in front of me? Can you believe that? He overdosed on Viagra!

I did slaughter his girlfriend though, so the night wasn't a total loss.


The killer's M.O. is that he's into flowers. How brutal is that? He kills women who live on streets named after flowers, makes them into compost and then plants that flower on them for... some... unknown (I was too drunk to remember) reason. Oh, and every street in the town has a flower for a street name. That narrows the list of killers down to, oh... everyone.










Find the killer, you must. Yes. Also, too old for the training, you are. Yes.


Don't worry though, Wiley ruins it for you right away by showing you the killer as he goes about his business of killing girls. Mostly girls who are in sexual situations, but you probably already saw that coming too. I guess the concept of building suspense was lost on him, as he was too busy building more robots to destroy Mega-Man. You'll get a clear view of the killer's face about 10 minutes into the movie, removing any theories about Jeffrey Combs playing the killer.










Huh? Sorry, I was distracted by those two girls making out at the bar behind you.


I have to give the actors credit, even though there are some terrible lines they deliver them without undue laughter or grimaces. For example, Rick the town's ace reporter asks Zoe and the Sheriff if they suspect foul play.

In front of a body bag. Next to a garbage can full of blood.

Did I mention the girl was in pieces?

In conclusion, Dr. Wiley, er... Ethan Wiley, should probably watch a few more horror movies before he pen's his next horror flick. Or switch to late night TV drama. Just don't take too long Ethan, or it'll be 2019 before your next movie hits DVD... or whatever they watch movies on in 2019.

Anyway, you can check out the "Brutal" Trailer below, or click here for something funny. As always, you can post your comments on the Sporeboard, or here. It seems I've been shooting myself in the foot, because the more comments a post has, the more it comes up in google.

And I'd like to think that I'm higly googleable.

Best of the Worst

Due to my inability to keep myself from shamelessly plugging my website, we may have a few new readers soon. Because of this, and because nostalgia struck me in the head with a 2x4, I've decided to post up some links to the best, or maybe worst reviews I've ever done. Here now is a primer for all things Spored_to_Death... in award show format.

Most hyped review: Snakes on a Train.

Most scholarly review: The Hellraiser Series. Wow, I actually did some research for that. Some, being the operative word.

Longest running interconnected reviews: King Kong Escapes introduced two villians who became co-reviewers in Terror of Mechagodzilla and Godzilla X Mechagodzilla.

Most crap I've ever made up in one review goes to A look inside Spored to Death Publishing. It was about 99.9% fiction.

Best movie I've actually reviewed goes to Black Sheep.

The best no-budget film award goes to The Evil of Dr. Satanicus.

Worst concept goes to The Shadow Walkers for their hypersexual kung-fu zombie super soldiers.

Best use of a midget goes to Slaughter Party.

And now, both last and first (until I review Anus Magillucutty) is Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness. Without this movie, I wouldn't be here today. Thank God for Erika Eleniak's... er... acting ability.

As always, check the Sporeboard for... stuff.

Bless the Child

Good evening Sporefans. Tonight we've got an extra special craptastic review for you because I'm feeling absolutely vicious tonight. Yes, tonight's movie is one that I'm going to rip to shreds, Hellraiser style! According to IMDB, the tagline for this movie is " Fear the Darkness. Fight the Evil. Bless the Child." and as if you needed to be told, the movie for tonight's review is "Bless the Child".













What do I have against this movie Sporefans? A better question would be, "what don't I have against this movie?". Its a piece of Hollywood schlock. Before I even get into this crapfest full of plot holes and wooden acting, lets take a minute to pick apart that "tagline". Three lines, each one is a command to the viewing audience. "Fear the Darkness!"... whooo boy, just drink in that original piece of work right there. "FEAR THE DARKNESS!" OOOOOOOHH!!! SCARY!

"Fight the evil!", again, more unoriginal crap. How about you, sir? Did you fight some evil today? No? You brushed your teeth and ate some cereal? How about you ma'am? Did you fight evil today? And by that I don't mean, did you do something worthwhile for mankind. I mean, did you go out and physically wrestle the devil himself. No? You didn't wrestle the devil? No? How are you supposed to fight the evil while you're afraid of the darkness anyway? Anybody got a mag-lite?

And finally "Bless the child!". How many of my readers are priests? No one? Hey, that guy has his hand up. No, you can't just use a priest in a video game, I don't' care how entertaining or free it is. If you can't turn tap water into a deadly weapon to be used against vampires, then its just not good enough to fight evil in the fearful dark of the darkness.

Am I to understand that this movie somehow wants me to grab a torch and a pitchfork and go out into the world quoting the bible to put a hurting on "evil"? Because that's what watching this movie makes me think of. If you're the type of person who thinks the devil is responsible for all the evil in the world, that today's youth is troubled because they're tainted with sin, and that things that confuse and scare you must be evil, than "Bless the child" is definitely for you. On the other hand, if you're, ohhh, I dunno... sane, you're not going to enjoy it.

Lets get to the rotten meat and rancid potatoes of the movie. The plot is that autistic child Cody O'Conner (played by Holliston Coleman) has "special powers". Cody's aunt, Maggie O'Conner (played by Kim Basinger) has custody of Cody after her mother (played by Angela Bettis) abandons her to score some more heroin. Or crack. Whatever.













Hold your tounge and say "truck" Cody.


Several years later, millionaire, cult leader and Satanist Eric Stark (played by Rufus Sewell of Dark City. Remember that movie? That movie didn't suck. What happened Rufus? What happened?) search for a "special child". He sends his patently ugly guy, Stuart (played by Eugene Lipinski) to collect and test children. Oh, and get this:

The children who are not "special" enough are killed.

Kind of goes against what you learned on Sesame Street and Mr. Roger's Neighborhood about everyone being special. Eventually when they stumble on upon the right one, they try and turn her to the dark side.














Wanna see my Darth Vader impression? "Luke the Evangelist, I am your father! HOOO-SHHHH!" What? Not funny? Then jump Cody, God will save you. Go on, jump. Here, let me give you a little push...

Oops...


To get to Cody, Stark marries Cody's estranged mother and feeds her some drugs and uses his evil Satan powers to somehow make her not look like a junkie. They barge into O'Conner's apartment, demand custody of Cody, and when Maggie refuses they kidnap Cody. When the police won't help...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait one frickin' minute here. Despite the fact that the mother accompanies Mr. Satan worshipper to reclaim her blessed child, she still can't take the kid from her guardian's residence without a court order. If you want some facts, check out section 1 of this F.A.Q. on legal custody in New York:

"To obtain legal custody of a child, a parent must go to court." -http://www.empirestatecoalition.org/custody.html

Yeah. So, that guy... in the movie... Mr. Satan... just committed felony kidnapping, and the police are "helpless". That is one huge plot hole. If an inebriated movie watching fungus-man can pick out a legal issue central to the development of the story, something is wrong with the movie. Terribly, terribly wrong. Like, don't they-have-people-to-catch-this-type-of-thing-and-why-did-they-drop-the-ball-so-badly wrong.

Anyway, when the police won't get involved, FBI agent John Travis (played by the eternally typecast Jimmy Smits) offers to help Maggie O'Conner reclaim her blessed child. By, uh... not really doing a whole lot till the end of the movie. Then he shoots some people. Don't worry, they were all "bad". Sure, he could have been off collecting evidence, or interrogating witnesses and forcing them to talk by showing them Dennis Franz's ass, but he wasn't. Nope, all the work in this movie gets done by Kim Basinger, who starts hallucinating half way through the film.

Oh, I'm sorry. They were "visions".









Jimmy Smits play F.B.I. Agent John Travis. He does... stuff...


What other plot holes are there in this movie? Oh, lets see... First, Christina Ricci who has a minor part in the film is attacked by some "hoodlums" and killed in a subway. Mostly Ricci's character dies because O'Conner can't fire a gun. I could do an entire paper on the impotent phallic imagery throughout this movie, but that's another day. For now, lets go over the aftermath of the attack in the absolutely desolate subway platform. O'Conner walks up to Ricci's "corpse" and the head falls off. The problem? The only "hood" with a bladed weapon had a switch blade, everyone else had pipes and sticks. Have you ever tried to decapitate someone with a switch blade? Its really hard.

Not that I'd know that from personal experience, but I imagine that it would be really hard.









So, are you on "the drugs"? It's OK, you can talk to me. I'm "hip" as the kids say these days. Right? Right?


And certainly not something you could do either cleanly or during the several seconds that O'Conner spent being "woozy". I've seen more convincing acting from WWE superstar HHH, who's "wooziness" is part of any main event sleeper.

This leads to a whole string of plot holes. O'Conner goes to the apartment of Mr. Satan and tries to get her baby back. When she leaves her bag on the couch, Mr. Satan sits on it and apologetically hands it back to her. Somehow, not only does that slick devil know O'Conner had a gun in her purse, he was able to unload a snub nosed revolver one handed in less that one second and palmed the bullets, all before closing it neatly and tossing the bag to O'Conner. Looks like worshiping Satan allows you to bend the laws of time and space.

Stuart, the ugly child kidnapper who works for Mr. Satan knocks O'Conner out with some ether and a hankie. Evil. Then, to make her death look like an accident, they put her in a car with a bottle of Vodka, some pills and cut the break line and let it loose on what they're claiming is the Brooklyn bridge (its actually a bridge in Canada). How exactly is an unconscious woman capable of guiding the car enough not to just crash into the nearest truck and sustain a slight injury? Magic? Remote control Buick? Somehow she gets this thing up to a high enough speed to crash over the side of the bridge, but she's saved by an angel at the last moment.

At the same time, Agent Travis is having some sort of crisis of faith, so another angel appears to cheer him up in the guise of a creepy janitor. They make some banter about faith, and I think it went something like this:

*disclaimer: Text does not reflect actual dialogue. Spored_to_Death was too drunk when watching this part of the movie and made most of it up.

Agent Travis: Man, things are really bad. I feel so alone in the world.

Creepy Divine Janitor: No man is alone if he has faith! Have faith, and you will never be alone.

Agent Travis: Huh... thank you. I feel much better now.

Creepy Divine Janitor: I mean it. You're never really alone if you have faith. You're not alone when you're raiding the fridge at 2 in the morning either. You weren't alone when you stole those cookies when you were 7...

Agent Travis: Hey, this is actually kind of creepy...

Creepy Divine Janitor: ...and when you shower... and while you sleep. I just wanted you to know... you're not alone.

Agent Travis: Uhhh... I gotta go do... uh... cop... stuff... now. Right now, as a matter of fact.

Creepy Divine Janitor: See ya.


The remainder of this predictable flick follows O'Conner and she stumbles about trying to get her kid back. The movie would have been OK, except Blackcloud had to ruin it for me. We had a little discussion during the scene where O'Conner confronts Capitan Satan in his Posh apartment. It went something like this:

Blackcould: God I can't stand Kim Basinger. She's so wooden.

Spored_to_Death: Wha? Whaddya mean? She's fine. You know.... OK.

Blackcloud: No she's not. You're just being a typical guy.

Spored_to_Death: I don't get it.

Blackcloud: If you weren't so busy staring at her chest, you'd see how bad she is.

Spored_to_Death: Fine, lets put it to the test.

Spored_to_Death rewinds the movie and uses his hand to shield the lower half of the screen from his vision.

Basinger: (from on screen) Close your eyes baby.

Spored_to_Death: HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY THAT'S AWFUL! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Blackcloud: Told you.


From that point on I had to watch the rest of the movie with the veil of Basingers... natural charm... removed from my mind. And in retrospect it was like that episode of the twilight zone where the dummy changes place with the ventriloquist, but there was no ventriloquist. Just a giant blonde block of animated wood.

Another great thing I noticed is that Cody gets noticeably less autistic as the movie progresses. At the beginning she can barely function, but by the end she's mostly normal. Looks like exposure to Satan makes you smarter.

The movie thankfully drew to a close as Smits began shooting Satanist who were conspicuously unarmed. Basinger gets her baby back, Cody doesn't join the dark side, and Capitan Satan gets blown away. Everything is wrapped up in a neat package, and I'm $2.95 poorer for the experience. And much, much drunker.










The movie has reached critical mass! Run!


I think that one of the telling aspects of this movie is... its box office business. According to IMDB, Bless the Child made $29,374,178 in theaters. Too bad it cost $40 million to make it. So add in all the people who bought the DVD, and the fact that I rented it from On-Demand, and I estimate Bless the Child made abooooouut... $29,374,180.95.

Anyhoo, if we estimate and make things easier, Bless the Child made $29,375,000 before it was pulled from theaters. If you divide that by $7.50, which I estimate was the price of admission in the year 2000, then the total number of people who went to see Bless the Child was 3,916,666.6666666666... people.

...

Boy, that's a lot of sixes!

Now, I'm not going to post the youtube trailer to this piece of crap movie. Instead, I'm going to post the trailer for another movie that I ordered which will be infinitely better than Bless the Child. You may have to verify your age to watch it, but how can you pass up the opportunity to watch the trailer for...

Anus Magillicutty.

And as always, check out the Sporeboard for comments and other cool stuff.

Creepshow 3

Welcome back Sporefans. This week we have a long awaited and totally unexpected sequel to a franchise thought long dead. According to the trailer I viewed before renting this movie (gotta love On-Demand), "in 1982 George Romero and and Stephen King made a horror classic". It goes on to say, "Now, 32 years later comes the latest installment in this horror masterpiece". Already there were some problems, and the movie hadn't even started yet.

Number one: This movie was made in 2006, and released in 2007, so even at the latest its only been 25 years since the "horror classic" was first created. As we all know from grade school, 25 does not equal 32.

Number two: There was another installment of this movie series in 1987. So if you want to get really picky its only been 20 years since the last installment.

Number three: You shouldn't be claiming that your movie is the latest installment of a horror masterpiece if it sucks. But does it?

Intrigued, I hit the button and ordered...













Creepshow 3!

Unlike the first two movies, Creepshow 3 doesn't have an all encompassing Wraparound story that ties in the independent sections of the film. Instead, Creepshow 3 ties all the stories together internally, making character's from one story appear as background character's in another section. This is a bold new idea, especially because this "franchise" is now operating without the two big names associated with the title. Actually, according to Wikipedia, James Dudelson is the only connection this movie has with the first two, as he owns the rights to the franchise. Miss the 80's much James?













Check out the creepy hot dog vendor. Looks like Kenny from South Park gone bad.


I'll go over each section of the movie, since you're probably not going to watch it and I can't ruin anything for you. Besides, each section does, for the most part, stand on its own as a story.

First up is "Alice", a piece that was supposed to remind you of Alice in Wonderland, but is actually just a cheap rip off of the Adam Sandler movie "Click".

Stop.

Now take a moment to reflect on exactly how sad something has to be to rip off an Adam Sandler movie. As "Pinhead" would probably say, "Revel in the sweet, sweet suffering."... go on, revel in it. I'll wait.

Done revelling? Good.

Alice (played by Stephanie Pettee) is a normal bratty teenage girl. Her father gets a remote control in the mail and whenever he presses a button on it, strange things happen to Alice. Also, for no apparent raisin, this causes her to melt. Eventually she gets all goopy and the strange doctor who lives up the street changes her into a rabbit, for no apparent raisin.













Now ve melt you... in the meltorium!


Alice is the weakest part of the movie, and really doesn't make much sense on its own. It also doesn't make any more sense when you watch the rest of the movie. Yeah. Sit back and suspend your disbelief like David Blaine over the Thames. Remember kids, its not really magic, its just a test of endurance. Just like watching some of our fine cinema at Spored to Death publishing.

The next segment is "The Radio" where a drunk loser named Jerry (played by A.J. Bowen) buys a radio that tells him to do things. Now, if you've ever seen any movie where an inanimate object tells you to do things, you would know not to do them. It always, Always, ALWAYS winds up badly. Good thing Jerry doesn't have much to live for anyway.









Jerry... jerry... you forgot to put fresh batteries in me.


"The Radio" is probably the best segment in the movie. Sure its been done to death, but at least it was coherent. I also liked the product placement for "Arrogant Bastard ale" in the movie. As an arrogant bastard, I'm proud to say that I enjoy Arrogant Bastard ale. If you're an arrogant bastard like me, you too should try Arrogant Bastard ale. Keep in mind I get no compensation what-so-ever by plugging that product, I just really like it. (Hint, hint.)

After "The Radio" draws to its predictable conclusion, we're treated to "Call Girl", a story about a killer call girl who winds up paying a visit to a "vampire". At least, that's what Wikipedia is calling it. I'm thinking it was just some type of toothy monster. Meh. Cutting to the chase this is what happens: call girl meets boy, call girl kills boy, call girl takes a shower in dead boy's bathroom, boy is a "vampire", "vampire" kills call girl. End.









Is this a vampire? I thought they only had 2 fangs. I better check with the experts on this one.


Story 4 is the "Professor's wife", and is really kind of funny. Two former students are called to see their old college professor as he's about to be married. The students are suspicious because the professor was fond of practical jokes, and suspect that the bride to be is actually a robot. While the professor is away they decide to "disassemble" her to see how she works.

Guess what.

...

Wow Sporefans, you're really good at guessing games. You are correct: she is not a robot. The two students dismember an actual human being who just happens to be very dumb. Luckily, the professor knows someone with an advanced voodoo kit and resurrects his zombie bride. Better wed than dead I guess.









Think the professor can fix her?


I hope the doc signed a prenuptial agreement, because I have a sneaky suspicion that things will turn sour soon after the honeymoon. Or during, depending on how warm and humid it is where they choose to have their honeymoon. Really, I could make scores of zombie honeymoon jokes here, but I've already worked that angle to death. It doesn't take any brains to know that these jokes have come back on more than one occasion.

The last segment is "Haunted Dog" and no, it doesn't have anything to do with either dogs or "Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai". Nope, its about a haunted hot dog. Or poisoned. Or something.

A doctor working off public service hours at a free clinic gives a hot dog to a homeless guy. The homeless guy eats it and dies. Then the homeless guy haunts the doctor for giving him the poisoned/cursed hot dog. I've got huge problems with this one.

So what's the moral here? Is the doctor supposed to eat the hot dog and die? Is that any better than being haunted by a homeless guy until he dies from a heart attack? And what about the homeless guy? He ate the hot dog, and it was his choice to do so. He died by his own hand, so why does he haunt the doctor? Are homeless guy's really that hard to shake off out in the West? The only thing that I learned definitively from this tale is that you should never eat anything from a street vendor's cart.

So that's it for Creepshow 3. It really wasn't all that bad. Really. Of course, the last thing I saw before this was "Die Hard Dracula", so my sense of taste and sound reasoning skills were probably still destroyed from the last review. I've seen better, but damn have I seen far worse than this. Far, far worse. Of course, if you have a few bottles of Arrogant Bastard ale on hand, this movie will seem great.

Bottom line? See it. Drunk.

Check out this movie I found about the dangers of eating hot dogs from street vendors. Now you know the risks.

Now you know.

And you can post about it on the Sporeboard!